Forum: Adults / Married Life

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re: At odds at what to do with alcoholic husband
By Dream_chaserPremium member Comments: 25854, member since Thu Jul 26, 2001
On Sun Dec 02, 2012 05:34 AM
Some will never get out of that mindset. I am sure more than I know, but having been around others who beat it, I have yet to see it, personally.

Luckily, for me, my husband's family, some are recovering (cousins) or were married to ones who are and did not so they left, or did get help and are doing fine. They are all talking to him, and his boss. It helps to have kindred spirits.

he did admin, when he went today, that when he introduced himself, he did not say, "Hi, I'm (name) and I am an alcoholic." He said, "I am (name) and I am not sure if I am an alcoholic."

He said because the other stories were so much worse than his. He still needs to learn that there are many levels of it, and I said that, and then dropped it. I said, "It will take a while to see what's up. I will continue to go to my meetings, too."

Fingers crossed and turned it over to my HP (higher power).
re: At odds at what to do with alcoholic husband
By kandykanePremium member Comments: 16415, member since Mon May 01, 2006
On Sun Dec 02, 2012 05:47 AM
^ I really, really wish he would talk to other recovering alcoholics. I think it would do us all a world of good. I asked him to, but like you said, I "turned it over to a higher power".

The most he has ever admitted to was to say "they say it's a disease...." in the hospital during his recent health crisis.

Baby steps, I guess. :?

kk~
re: At odds at what to do with alcoholic husband
By Dream_chaserPremium member Comments: 25854, member since Thu Jul 26, 2001
On Sun Dec 02, 2012 05:53 AM
I think that I had once ace in the hole... my granddaughter. The fact that he can't see her until he gets help, I think, is spurring him on. I agree with my daughter on that.

Like, just now, he came out of the bedroom to go to the bathroom. If I am up late, he always makes some stupid remark about me being on the computer and I am always up late... that's every night.

He did not say a word, and just went back to bed. That's progress.
re: At odds at what to do with alcoholic husband (karma: 1)
By Celebrianmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 7921, member since Thu Mar 31, 2005
On Sun Dec 02, 2012 09:24 PM
Dream_chaser, I'm glad your husband seems to be doing well.

It's taken me a while to say something on this thread. My dad was an alcoholic. (He passed about 4 years ago.) I have lots and lots of other family members who have been (some who still are) alcoholics and/or drug addicts. My father was in the category of 'the mean drunk'.

But I'll tell you truthfully, it took years but I've been able to see more of the tapestry and not just the individual strands of alcoholism and addiction in general. I've noticed that it takes a lot of effort and working on themselves to get to the other side of the rainbow. But you're right that they have to want to for themselves, that's so true.

When you have one that gets an awesome no-nonsense substance abuse sponsor who keeps it real and doesn't pull any punches when they speak to them? The possibilities are endless. Growing up, I had an upstairs neighbor, a two-steps forward one step back situation. She was the one who turned the tide in my thinking about addiction in general and the possibilities of life. I was friends with her daughter and would visit several days a week since my mom was at work and I needed some human interaction at times. I watched this neighbor, firsthand, struggle and fall repeatedly and then in the end finally stand on her own and beat it. It was a model at a young age, for me, to learn what it is to recognize your shortcomings FOR REAL and say 'this can't continue and it's all on me if it does'. And I don't mean just the drinking either, I mean the selfishness and the excuses and the negativity. The right sponsor is key. I hope he gets that right sponsor.
re: At odds at what to do with alcoholic husband
By kandykanePremium member Comments: 16415, member since Mon May 01, 2006
On Sun Dec 02, 2012 09:33 PM
'this can't continue and it's all on me if it does'


This is what I want. I want him to say it and really mean it. I don't want to have to continually demand it. He has known for years I want him to get help and quit drinking. I want him to take responsibility himself. So far, it's not happening, even though he is dry right now. I guess that's why I'm not very hopeful this is really the time he finally turns it all around, for himself and the rest of the family.

But... even though I don't have much faith in it, I am giving him the chance. I've told him for years, "every day I stay married to you, you get another chance". We'll see what happens.

kk~
re: At odds at what to do with alcoholic husband
By Dream_chaserPremium member Comments: 25854, member since Thu Jul 26, 2001
On Sun Dec 02, 2012 09:44 PM
kandykane wrote:

'this can't continue and it's all on me if it does'
"every day I stay married to you, you get another chance". We'll see what happens.

kk~


I hope that you get what you want, but I have already decided, if it falls apart, again, I will find a way to leave. 38 years of giving chances, is enough for me.

At first I worried that if I have to get a full time job, my daughter will suffer for having someone to help her with her daughter, which I LOVE doing, but I have to stop thinking like that. I have to do for me and be a bit selfish.

I have plenty of places to go, if I needed, but I did not feel that I wanted to leave my home. I will, if I have to, and I will hate it, I guess, at first, but so far, so good. ODAT.
re: At odds at what to do with alcoholic husband (karma: 1)
By imadanseurPremium member Comments: 16604, member since Thu Dec 04, 2003
On Mon Dec 03, 2012 04:29 AM
What makes you think I have not done so?


Well because you didn't specifically say you had requested that in your previous post. My apologies for assuming anything...and also my lack of reading comprehension to a certain extent.

With one person in my life sober 10 years, I never knew them when they were drinking. I have heard stories, I am sure the actions were similar to those being discussed here, and I am glad I see how AA and therapy (to a certain degree) has helped stay sober, be outward focused, be a better person in all areas of their life, and most of all be a loving family member to people they hurt in the past or had resentments against. I hope the alcoholics in your lives find a path of peace, light, hope, love, and sobriety.

Another person in my life is struggling and continues to hurt their family members and lies, lies, and lies. There is so much denial with the closest people around her, herself, and now the solution is just to quit cold turkey, but there is no work being done on those issues still brewing underneath. It's sad, but I have removed that person from my life and immediate household family's life for the most part. Luckily I have the luxury of being able to do that...but to see the damage that is piling up behind that person, makes me very sad.
re: At odds at what to do with alcoholic husband
By kandykanePremium member Comments: 16415, member since Mon May 01, 2006
On Mon Dec 03, 2012 05:10 AM
Apology accepted. This is something I've learned over the years - if you have not had someone close to you who is an addict, it's difficult to truly grasp the depth of the poison that is spread by the person under the influence. All the lies and deception and hiding and the deflecting and denial and thoughtlessness are bricks which build a wall, one brick at a time, one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. I have to accept that this wall is not going to be torn down any faster than one brick at a time.

I don't think I've mentioned this openly in this thread, but we don't live together and haven't for years. He works away from home and for that I am truly grateful. Although it has made his hiding easier, it has sheltered me and his kids from the worst of the damage.

Thanksgiving was so bad I'm thinking a conversation may be in order before he comes for Christmas. But first, he has an appointment with the cardiologist to determine if he needs a pacemaker for the heart afib. Hoping that one doesn't slap him in the face, but it might be good if it did. Even though his heart disease has slapped him in the face, he is already relaxing as evidenced by his continued smoking and his drinking that "non-alcoholic" beer. If he continues to relax and doesn't get help, I see a return to old habits.

kk~
re: At odds at what to do with alcoholic husband
By Dream_chaserPremium member Comments: 25854, member since Thu Jul 26, 2001
On Sat Dec 08, 2012 06:18 PM
So, I go to my Al Anon meeting last night. Hubby seems not the same as before. Now, he can't be drinking as long, because he used to start even when I was home. I get home around tenish, and he is grumpy, but not AS bad, because IF he did drink while I was away, he did not get as much in him.

I walk into the living room today, and see some spilled, dried stuff on the floor, near where he sits. I lean down and smell beer. I know what beer smells like. I am soooo angry!!

He is at, I hope, his second meeting with AA today. GRRRR. I just texted him about it. All I said was that I found it near where he sits, I had just washed the floor, two days, ago, and want the truth.

Sigh.
re: At odds at what to do with alcoholic husband
By Dream_chaserPremium member Comments: 25854, member since Thu Jul 26, 2001
On Sat Dec 08, 2012 07:00 PM
Well, to make matters worse, while he is at his meeting, I assume he is, I decided to search. I found his stash, in an uplugged, outside fridge. So, he has been drinking while I am out. I knew that I was NOT going crazy!! I am so deeply hurt, sad and more.

We will not have Christmas this year. No one wants to be with him, my daughter won't let him see her or my granddaughter. We are supposed to go away for two, mini trips, and I don't want to go. I am soooo angry!
re: At odds at what to do with alcoholic husband
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6818, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Sat Dec 08, 2012 03:05 PM
Edited by Christine (207347) on 2012-12-08 15:06:03
Edited by Christine (207347) on 2012-12-08 15:08:39 fixed markup
Sweetie, I am so, so, sorry you are in so much pain.

I'll be back later with some more to say more, but for not, the most important thing you have to do is trust your own perceptions, and do what is best for you. Also, and I know this is so, so, hard...try to move past the anger as soon as you are able. It is toxic for you and clouds your thinking. It also is exhausting, and right now you need all you energy to think of how you and the girls are going to spend a wonderful Christmas together.

What you are going through right now...this whole alcoholic driven nightmare, is kind of similar to chemo therapy, in side effects. You're tough, woman. If you were able to overcome the fear, worry, nausea, fatigue, migraines, loss of appetite, and out and out frustration of cancer therapies, you can survive doing what you have to do here. Like your cancer therapies, the choices are difficult, there are no guarantees, and they are hard to take. You already know you can do what is best for your health.

I know it is hard to go through this crap at any time of the year, but the Christmas season is supposed to be a season of hope,peace,and joy, not a season of hope,dread, and tension.
he has been drinking while I am out. I knew that I was NOT going crazy!! I am so deeply hurt, sad and more.

Image hotlink - 'http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdr3s47O3V1qzjnxyo1_500.jpg'

Hugs
xoxo
Keep On Dancing*
re: At odds at what to do with alcoholic husband
By Dream_chaserPremium member Comments: 25854, member since Thu Jul 26, 2001
On Sat Dec 08, 2012 10:22 PM
Thanks, Christine. I need to hear that. Hugs.
re: At odds at what to do with alcoholic husband
By kandykanePremium member Comments: 16415, member since Mon May 01, 2006
On Sun Dec 09, 2012 07:44 AM
I am just sick to hear this, Janet. I don't even know what to say. I've typed out several things just to erase them all because they seem so completely inadequate. :(

I offer big hugs and will try to say something more clear headed in the morning. For now... I understand how you must be feeling. Truly, I do.

kk~
re: At odds at what to do with alcoholic husband
By Dream_chaserPremium member Comments: 25854, member since Thu Jul 26, 2001
On Sun Dec 09, 2012 03:28 PM
Thanks, KK. He came home and said he did not and thought it smelled like coffee. I said, "I am not stupid, don't pretend that I am."

Then I said about his stash and he said, "I did not even know it was out there," but I know for sure that he had cleaned all of the beer and soda out of the outside fridge.

He did say, though, that he had been told about a six week, counseling session, in the area. I sat, cried and poured my heart out. Yeah, I know you are not supposed to, but I had to get it out.

We just acted, the rest of the day, like nothing happened. I KNOW that he knows he is wrong but I just want him to get help.

ODAT
re: At odds at what to do with alcoholic husband (karma: 1)
By kandykanePremium member Comments: 16415, member since Mon May 01, 2006
On Sun Dec 09, 2012 05:09 PM
Of course he didn't know it was there. *eye roll* It's that kind of thing that really burns me up. Grrr!! The lies, the trying to make it seem like we are the stupid ones and it's really no big deal and we are overreacting.... they are only fooling themselves!! How can they not see what they are doing? Deny, deny, deny!

If I were you, I'd pop the tops and pour out every bottle/can right in front of him. Of course, it doesn't stop him from going to get more and hiding that, too, but it does make a statement.

I hope he decides to take that counseling. Is it something just for him or are you supposed to go together?

kk~
re: At odds at what to do with alcoholic husband
By kandykanePremium member Comments: 16415, member since Mon May 01, 2006
On Thu Dec 27, 2012 05:24 PM
We may actually be making a little progress. A relative was drinking steadily on Christmas Day and became obnoxious. Husband asked our daughter - "Was I like that? Jeez." Enlightenment comes slowly sometimes, I guess.

kk~
re: At odds at what to do with alcoholic husband
By Dream_chaserPremium member Comments: 25854, member since Thu Jul 26, 2001
On Fri Dec 28, 2012 01:11 AM
Glad to hear that you are making some progress. We are here, too. No drinking (and I can tell as he changes, immediately, when he does). He has been much better and said, "I am trying hard and want to make it work."

He is still not going to counseling, but is doing AA. He has been drinking chocolate milk, apple juice, soda and coffee. Before, once he had his morning coffee, he would not drink anything for the rest of the day. Now he is. That's physical progress.

He is much more pleasant to be around. One day at a time, loving it and hoping that it lasts. Happy new year!
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