Forum: Arts / Diaries

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re: rebuilding myself
By CaitDestinymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Feb 04, 2013 05:44 AM
Hi guys.

I've been taking a lot of time to myself to really figure whats up from down. It is a lot harder than I had first thought it would be, but every day I am managing a little better than the first.

Therapy is going well and it really helping to improve myself. I am getting really far with it and I see great progress after each session. I am trying to learn that I need to be more focused on the present and whats around me then so caught up in other things. I am trying to build relationships with my family that I have wanted for so long, and eventually did push away once I started receiving what it was I was expecting from them. It all goes back to building walls to protect myself and slowly I am allowing the walls to come down just so I can focus more on myself and those who truly love and care about me. In therapy we are always working on finding the "true" qualities about myself and really finding what ones are buried within me and which one's I was actually faking.

Throughout this time period; therapy, new semester starting, hanging out with new friends I was finding myself at the bottom of a bottle of alcohol quiet often. My friends and I would always hang out at the hookah lounge and usually we would all drink and have a good time. It was brought to my attention but several of my friends at multiple times that they think I was developing a drinking problem. This caused me to drink more and I found myself wanting to drink at 11am just because I woke up. I continued with this for a week or so until Max (S's best friend) pulled me to the side, placed his hands on my shoulders and asked me from the bottom of his heart to get help. That moment I knew I had an issue with drinking and needed to turn my life around before I end up losing control. One of the qualities about myself that I am finding to be true is self-control. After I was faced with the issue I was going through I realized that if several people are telling me I have a problem, I probably do REALLY have a problem. I am working on this with my consular and things seem to be going okay.


Things have also been extremely busy between work, school and social life I haven't been able to catch a real break.


I need a pick me up. Anyone?
re: rebuilding myself
By PinUpGirlmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Feb 04, 2013 04:38 PM
As a reformed lush, I might have some helpful tips to offer. Feel free to take or leave any or all of them.

Back in 2010, I didn't know why I drank so much when I didn't want to. I could never have just a glass of wine with dinner. I would always get hammered and make terrible life choices. I finally decided to try AA in September 2010. It allowed me to sober up long enough to examine my deeper issues. I started trauma therapy and as I worked through that, I realized that I wasn't a true alcoholic. When I tried AA, I was so desperate for relief, I just went along with everything they said. As I got better, I realized that I wasn't really relating to people there. Their stories didn't sound like me. That said, I think it's a valuable tool if you've got a lot of other things going on in your life. The accountability and support is very, very helpful. That was just my journey. I benefitted much more from private therapy than AA in the long run. Yours might be different. I would encourage you to try a meeting or two just to see if you think it might help. If you're nervous, ask one of your friends to come with you. In my case, I needed to sober up for 11 months to really work on my PTSD. It helped that I had the boundary of not being able to drink in place so I couldn't ignore the emotional pain. It hurt like hell for a long time, but it was absolutely worth it. I'm a completely different person today and I wouldn't be if I hadn't stopped drinking for that period in my life.

That said, I am still mindful when I drink. It's very, very easy to fall back on old habits if I'm not paying attention (at parties, for example). Then I revert right back to that sad, miserable girl I was years ago. And nobody likes her, especially me. If you want to talk, I'm more than happy to lend an ear.
re: rebuilding myself
By CaitDestinymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Mar 08, 2013 03:47 AM
Life doesn't seem to be getting any easier, but I try to take each day in stride. It's frustrating. It's confusing and most of all I ended up with another broken heart.

I have been 18 days sober and life just seems to be hitting me in the face. Not only can I not run away from my problems anymore but they are full force and in my face. I am learning that there are a lot of things wrong with me. My therapist diagnosed me with bipolar after going back through all my previous therapy sessions. I'm angry at the world, at myself. Things just get so frustrating so quickly. I want to scream and cry and just punch things at random times. Not being able to drink or do drugs to hide myself is very hard. I want to feel numb, but then I remember how far I have made it already. 18 days? When was the last time I could say I've been sober for 18 days? Never. Not once since I started.
re: rebuilding myself
By CaitDestinymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Apr 23, 2013 12:21 AM
They say life is what you make of it, but when you have yourself so buried in things that are tearing you apart; it's hard to be anything and being happy is like shooting for the stars.

Last time I checked in I was 18 days sober. Well I can say I can no longer hold to that. And not only am I not sober but I am drinking more now than I was before. On top of drinking I am drowning myself in weed and ecstasy.

This is where my problem all began....in the beginning....I don't really remember so please stay with me. I messed up big time with a guy I was falling for. I never did get my second chance but I did get a chance with another guy. He was great, charming and I really fell in love with him over the course of these past few months. Turns out he isn't as charming as he seemed and is a straight up douchebag. Not only am I dealing with the breaking up terribly but I find it so hard to be able to let go. We had no contact for a week and then finally today I heard from him after trying to get ahold of him to get his stuff back. We just end up fighting and I wish I could have one more chance with him. He said I will never have that chance and I guess that is just something I am going to have to live with. Our actions have consequences. Too bad I have to see him one last time on Sunday while he is coming to pick up his belongings....this is literally going to kill me.

On top of that I have basically lost my whole family. I don't seem them, I don't talk to them....literally nothing. I feel broken and lost. I have nobody anymore. I am all by myself trying to numb myself from the pain of losing everything at once.


I'm really sorry. I wanted to give a proper update but my tears are blocking my typing...I'm not doing good. I need support and DDN wisdom.
re: rebuilding myself
By GrinsPremium member
On Tue Apr 23, 2013 04:37 AM
I had been seeing the stuff you have been posting on Instagram + was worried about how you were going, but didn't want to ask in case it wasn't my business.

*hugs*

How is the college thing going? And work? It is so much easier said than done, but you should work on focusing your time/energy on constructive, positive things in your life. Family, school, work - not partying, drinking, drugs and boys (please not boys!!!!)

You are an intelligent, beautiful young woman. You can pull yourself out of this.
re: rebuilding myself
By Niennamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Apr 23, 2013 10:35 AM
Nothing is impossible. You CAN be sober. You CAN have a relationship with your family. You CAN have, most importantly a good and respectful relationship with yourself. But the first step, the hardest thing, is admitting it to someone, and reaching out for help.

Is there an adult you can trust? I know you lived with your aunt, copy and paste this diary entry, send it to her, ask for help. It is SO hard to do this, but you need help sweetheart. You need to be away from the current group of people you're surrounding yourself with, you need to get sober, and you need lots and lots and lots of support. Are you still seeing your therapist? Have you told her about this? It can be the absolute most painful thing to do, to admit that you need help, but it will lead to great rewards.

Imagine yourself sober, with good friends, good grades, and a healthy relationship with yourself (respecting your body, etc.). Not NEEDING a boy, or drugs, or anything like that for your own self worth. That is COMPLETELY within your grasp, you just need to reach out for it.
re: rebuilding myself
By CaitDestinymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Apr 23, 2013 02:56 PM
Please stick with me and any errors that follow. I am posting from my phone.

I sat down with my aunt and uncle this morning and laid everything out on the table. The drinking, the drugs, the depression and wanting to kill myself but I feel like we made no progress. They asked what they could do to help me but said they would not help me in any way with the drugs. I think I am beyond using them for recreational purposes but to numb my body and mind from emotional pain. I'm sad. I don't know why I'm sad but I feel like I have this empty hole in my body that needs to be filled. And I know I'm filling it with all the wrong things but it helps....

As for what we did after our chat. We switched the title of my car into my name and I have to be more involved with the family. That's it. Hardly any support or anything. I'm still sad and nothing is getting done. I'm basically in the same exact place I was just being monitored more by my family...


As for school? I dropped out. I have nothing going for me anymore. I'm a loser. I just want to turn my life around.
re: rebuilding myself
By CaitDestinymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Apr 25, 2013 08:46 PM
After a couple days and a long hard talk with myself. I know I need to get my life together. Now that my family knows about my drug use, along with alcohol I have continued to be sober for 5 days now. It really upset me talking to an old friend of mine be sarcastic and rude about the fact I have been sober for a couple of days. I was trying to get her to understand that you always have to start somewhere. Because one day sober turns into two and that turns into a whole year. It's all about what you make of it and it really hurt me how....rude she was. I feel like that's not the right word but it's what I am going to use for right now. I'm frustrated and I just didn't want to talk to her anymore. I asked her for support, not to tell me I'm going out this weekend to get shitfaced.

After being sick on and off since January, I finally went to the doctor yesterday. I have an upper repertory infection, double ear infection and a bacterial sinus infection. Needless to say my body and mind are both mentally and physically drained. I have been in bed for the past two days straight. I have taken the time to research careers and I finally think I found the right path for me. After wanting to give up so long, I know deep down I want to be successful.


So....NURSING it is!
re: rebuilding myself (karma: 3)
By CaitDestinymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri May 03, 2013 09:43 PM
Edited by CaitDestiny (189593) on 2013-05-03 21:48:09
There has been a huge turn around. Please stick with me.

A couple entries prior I was ranting about the guy who I was seeing but he ended up admitting I was nothing but a booty call the whole time. He had just moved here from out of state and he was lonely. Before I knew about all of this, he had moved back to Texas and didn't have the finances to ship his work merchandise with him, instead he asked if I could hold it for a couple of months and I agreed. D has multiple personality disorders and is also bipolar so every day was very interesting to say the least. He had moved back to Texas and things between us just went south. I still had all of his belongings and it would be another month or two before he came back to get it. Threats went back and forth and he was downright MEAN. Anyways, he ended showing up out of the blue demanding his stuff. At this time I was out with friends and he started threating me. I had an anxiety attack and a mental breakdown. At one point my friend (who is a security guard/bouncer) escorted me to my car just so he wouldn't do anything to me. I ended up exchanging his stuff back to him and I haven't looked back since. He is gone out of my life and it's for good. Gone forever. As much as it hurts I love him, but I know it's the right thing for me.

More positive things have started to look up. I met again with another academic advisor. It was a different one from the previous but I had decided on nursing. After meeting with the advisor most of my credits from college while in high school transferred through. While looking at my gen ed classes I only have to take two and retake one to get a better grade and I am sailing through to the nursing classes to apply to the program! I thought I was at least a year behind but it looked like my transfer credits came in handy (after I just wanted to let them settle in the dirt) and I am closer than I thought I was. I am taking a class in the fall for CNA and will be certified within 8 weeks into the semester so it gives me time to focus on my other classes to get straight A's...or at least that is what I am aiming for!!!

I am really pleased that things are starting to look up. I feel like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders and I actually have something going for me. Another thing I got a NEW big girl job! All in the same week this has happened! I am now a sales service receptionist at a car dealership. More money than I am making now and my hours will be steady. Plus they are really understanding of students unlike my job now.


All I can say is things are starting to add up and I can only hope they continue! I am so excited for this day and forward.

EDIT: I forgot to mention my new job drug tests as well as tests for alcohol...so.....DRUG FREE FOR ME!!! It's been a whole week ;)
re: rebuilding myself
By CaitDestinymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue May 21, 2013 09:05 PM
Hi guys! Its officially week 3 at my new job and it has pretty much become mu life. I really love it...minus the drama!!

This also means I have been sober since april 27th. Can't say its too much but definitely a new start. I'm at work on my phone so ill do a proper update later with much more details.
re: rebuilding myself
By Tansey
On Tue May 21, 2013 09:12 PM
Good for you, Cait! Glad to hear things are going better for you.
re: rebuilding myself
By CaitDestinymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu May 23, 2013 09:14 PM
As promised a proper update. I finally got off work at a decent hour today which was pretty nice.

The car dealership is a really nice job. The people are great, minus a few who are really cocky. But hey, I was warned from my aunts boyfriend who works there what to look out for and trust me, I do! So far it's pretty laid back. I am the receptionist plus cashier so I take in all the money from parts, repair orders and downpayments to pay in fulls. Nothing is super complicated but it does get pretty busy. I'm in a little area by myself so it's nice when people stop to chit chat.

I passed my drug test but that wasn't a surprise considering I've been sober!

Hmmmm. Nothing really has been going on. I stopped going out and bouncing around town so my life has been pretty tame and low key. But after all that is probably the best thing for me, right!!?

Where are my lurkers, please come out!!!!!
re: rebuilding myself
By lux
On Fri May 24, 2013 07:56 AM
Lurker here! Just wanted to pop in and let you know that I'm rooting for you, it's wonderful to hear how well things are going for you :)
re: rebuilding myself
By CaitDestinymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jul 02, 2013 10:06 PM
Not doing so well. Sigh.
re: rebuilding myself
By GrinsPremium member
On Tue Jul 02, 2013 10:56 PM
*hugs*

Another lurker wishing you the very best. Hope you're okay..
re: rebuilding myself
By PinUpGirlmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Wed Jul 03, 2013 06:30 AM
It'll get better. Hang in there, girlie. You've got plenty of people rooting for you.
re: rebuilding myself
By CaitDestinymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Jul 28, 2013 11:51 PM
Life has been a constant up and down roller coaster lately and I feel like I'm doing pretty alright, but there are a lot of things going wrong too! I am beyond stressed and I need to get a lot off my chest so please, please bear with me!

I started my new job at the dealership and things were going very okay. There was some drama another one of the girls started about me but I feel she did that because she was intimidated with me being the new girl and practically taking her position. I was hired to have her be fired shortly after. There was a lot of tension and a lot of problems, but the light at the end of the tunnel soon came.

Recently, around 4th of July my family was out of town. I had a few of my Navy friends over because they had a few days break from A school. Well basically, while I was asleep things got out of control. Personal property was burned in the fire, etc. My family got home, found the things missing and instantly freaked out. My family pressed charges against me and all of the people at my house, and kicked me out leaving me on the street.

I called my cousin right away and within 20 minutes, I moved to the city of Chicago to my cousins apartment. Things have been really good here, but I can't seem to land a job. I keep having interviews all throughout the week and I'm just praying I can land one job! I really need the money because rent is coming due, and I basically have ZERO money for food. It is really stressing me out.

I know this is a long story short, but I'm in a rush.

Please DDN. Send me good vibes, I need tons of them and I need to land one of these jobs! .....by AUGUST 1ST!!!!!!
re: rebuilding myself
By GrinsPremium member
On Tue Jul 30, 2013 05:51 PM
Good luck getting a new job. I hope that you land one soon!

Please tell me that you aren't in contact with your Navy "friends" who were responsible for the 4th of July thing? That's some seriously messed up stuff right there. Have you tied to contact your family again at all?
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