Forum: Adults / Married Life

Page:
Page 1 of 21 2
Married Life
The things my marriage teaches me about myself
By Garnet_Juliet Comments: 134, member since Mon Jan 28, 2013
On Tue Jan 29, 2013 09:45 PM

I am newly wed and it is a very odd experience. We were together for over 8 years before we signed the marriage papers last summer.

After 8 years I thought this was no big deal, that nothing would change and that it was just a legal piece of paper.

But I am surprised that things feel different! I'm surprised how much this legally binding commitment has changed the way I feel! It has, in a sense, taken us to a next level.

I feel a new sense of responsibility and duty to my part in this relationship. It has been transformed overnight from Me and Him to a single thing - our marriage.

I grow all the time from my marriage and it has challenged me to learn more about myself.

I never expected this, that getting married would change my perspective on our relationship this much. I wonder if we'd gotten married years ago if things would be different now.

I'm curious to open a dialogue with other people to talk about what you've learned about yourself, and how your marriage continues to challenge you to grow as a person and to be the best version of yourself that you can be.

25 Replies to The things my marriage teaches me about myself

re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself
By Gavrilushka Comments: 872, member since Wed Jul 11, 2012
On Wed Jan 30, 2013 05:14 AM
^ This!

I've been trying to tell people this always when they tell me they want to get married. Obviously I have no right to say who can and can't but as someone who is married and has seen how much things change it's let me understand how big a deal and a change it is.

Even though DH and I have been living together before, I feel like there are a tonne more responsibilities on my part. We're no longer living as two people who love each other, but instead we are living as one person. It's like marriage literally fused the two of us together.

In some parts it gets harder - there's a bit less 'me time' and a bit more 'us time' and everything I have to do is to benefit 'us' and not myself. Before I got married that was the part that terrified me the most, but it turned out not so bad. :)

It's a whole new level of love and care which like you say, challenges you to grow in so many different ways. Our behaviours towards each other haven't really changed, but there is like this feeling inside which just sort of strengthened and I know in my heart and in myself I can persevere through anything which comes our way.
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself
By Garnet_Juliet Comments: 134, member since Mon Jan 28, 2013
On Wed Jan 30, 2013 03:10 PM
I was thinking today about how you have to accept every aspect of the other person now, and promise to forever accept every aspect of the other person in the future - whatever happens. It is a scary commitment to make.

What if he develops an illness, or has an accident that debilitates him physically and cannot work or function independently - then I can't live my life the way I've always wanted to. But I'd have to give up on what I want because I promised him I'd always accept him and be tied to him.

No wonder they call it the ball and chain. hehe!

I think I've always been an independent spirit and even selfish at times. I would never compromise for someone else. And for women I think that behavior is often overly encouraged because too many women are doormats. People are often more worried about a woman's risk of overly compromising herself, not the other way around.

I have learned to compromise and also maintain a level of independence. It is a balance that for years I've agonized over because I thought one day I would figure it out and then not have to worry about it anymore.

Now I'm learning this balance is a constantly changing balance and I'll never "get it figured out" just once, so to speak. I'll constantly be figuring it out for the rest of my life.

But it's a good thing to forever be open to change. I'm realizing that it's a good thing.
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself
By Garnet_Juliet Comments: 134, member since Mon Jan 28, 2013
On Thu Jan 31, 2013 10:58 AM
Edited by Garnet_Juliet (256503) on 2013-01-31 11:01:16
Here's a sad thought. I want children. I would really like to have a baby. My husband doesn't want them right now. He thinks that in the future he might, but often he says he doesn't.

I'd love to have a child, to have someone to teach things to, and share things I know and love, and to just make us a family. I want to go to family night at the museum, I want to give a Christmas morning to someone who still believes in Santa Claus. I think I've done enough in my life for myself that I'd be willing to live more for someone who hasn't had the chance yet.

Thing is, I'm 33. I can't wait much longer with optimism that I'll conceive. I think I should seriously get used to the idea that I'll never have a kid.

For years I've never allowed myself to admit that I even wanted a child because my husband doesn't want them. I don't know that I really did want one until now. And I don't desperately want one now it's just that I'm learning who I am, and I am sure one day I'll regret not having a child.

He says we could adopt some day and yes, that would be wonderful but I'm scared of that prospect as well. I'm scared that he'll one day realize he wants his own children, and by then I'll be too old to make them, and he'll leave me. I'm scared that he doesn't want children as much as I do, and he won't love an adopted child enough.

These are fears and speculations and anxieties I am realizing now that we're married and we are a family and he has promised to be with me, share his life with me.

I would give up my goal of having children if it meant I could stay with him because I wouldn't be happier with someone else, even if I did have a baby. I say that because people have suggested that I should find someone who wants children now, if this means that much to me. Thing is, I don't just want a baby. I want a family WITH HIM.
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Thu Jan 31, 2013 06:25 PM
So...what did you do during the 8 years you were together? Did you two ever talk to each other? Because he's all on your junk about how "selfish" you are for buying shoes, and is refusing to even discuss the idea of kids (when, at 33, your window isn't necessarily closing, but it's going to start getting harder to get pregnant, and the rate of birth defects gets higher), and I mean...what's happening here?

I was with my now husband 10 years before we'd gotten married, but we'd discussed all this stuff too. I don't get why you'd go in to a marriage without having discussed this stuff - especially when you'd been together SO. LONG. before you got married.
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself
By Garnet_Juliet Comments: 134, member since Mon Jan 28, 2013
On Thu Jan 31, 2013 06:44 PM
He didn't think I was being selfish for getting shoes...just kind of wasteful with the gift money, in his opinion.

And I must have misrepresented us because we have discussed kids and he does not want them now, but he thinks in the future he will, and he says that we could adopt if we cannot have our own

However, he often blurts out "I don't want kids!" or "I'm just glad I don't have kids" and he may not be aware of how much it affects me when he says that.

We never talked seriously about kids until the last couple of years because it wasn't something we both cared about. It was always kind of in the back of my mind and not something I wanted to think about, not ready for it, scared that I might think about it and decide I really wanted them and then have to give up on our relationship.

In the early years we both seemed to think and agree that kids would be nice later on down the road...but it is later on down the road and I'm stupidly realizing too late, how my window is closing faster than I thought it would.
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself
By Garnet_Juliet Comments: 134, member since Mon Jan 28, 2013
On Thu Jan 31, 2013 06:47 PM
I accepted his open admission that children were not something he wanted until he was finished with graduate school. I thought I was fine with that but now I'm getting scared that I made a mistake and that's not his fault, but I have to find a way to figure out just how much I want children, and talk to him about it. If this is just hormones and anxiety and fears about a future of regrets...or is this something I really want to change my life to do, right now.
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Thu Jan 31, 2013 09:09 PM
So he kept, and continues, to keep going "Aah, later. We'll talk about kids later..." and not surprisingly, later has never come.

Honey...later is never coming. He's not going to adopt. He threw that out there to get you to settle down and walk away.

You either need to make peace with not having kids (which has its merits, but clearly isn't the lifestyle you're after, although it IS the lifestyle he's after...), or accept that this marriage might have been a mistake. Because he's duped you up to this point. And sure, it's not duped on the level of "No, I didn't kill that guy. What do you mean there's blood everywhere? I don't know how that got here..." but he said something, you committed, and he meant something else. That's duped.
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself
By Garnet_Juliet Comments: 134, member since Mon Jan 28, 2013
On Thu Jan 31, 2013 09:48 PM
To say this marriage might have been a mistake, is to say that I should leave now. Then where would I be? I'd be without a loving partner and still without children - and less likely than ever to ever have them because, frankly I don't want to be a single mother.


I believe him that he will want children one day. I just need to talk to him about this more. I need him to understand how unlikely it would be that I will have his kids if we wait much longer.

This is a hard topic for me to try to bring up again. I know he'll say that we've had this conversation before. Having a kid now would put so much strain on his graduate school success and our relationship because it would be a lot of work - especially in the beginning. I'm taking a huge risk waiting another 3 years.

I didn't intend for this thread to be only about me; despite the title I gave it. I would love to hear about other people and the things they're learning about what they want out of life, and the issues that have come up, since deciding to share their lives with someone else.
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself
By Dancing_EMTmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 3466, member since Wed Dec 08, 2004
On Thu Jan 31, 2013 10:01 PM
He thinks that in the future he might, but often he says he doesn't.


You have your answer. He doesn't want them! If he gives in to make you happy, he'll only resent you and the child.

What if he develops an illness, or has an accident that debilitates him physically and cannot work or function independently - then I can't live my life the way I've always wanted to. But I'd have to give up on what I want because I promised him I'd always accept him and be tied to him.


Why did you get married then? I mean, seriously? I'd WANT to give up the way I was living my life if it meant my husband got the best care. If we each didn't mean and believe in "til death do us part" we wouldn't have gotten married.

I just need to talk to him about this more. I need him to understand how unlikely it would be that I will have his kids if we wait much longer.


No, just no. That's the worst thing you can do. Just because you get knocked up doesn't mean he'll love it automatically. He probably really does not want children.

Having a kid now would put so much strain on his graduate school success and our relationship because it would be a lot of work - especially in the beginning. I'm taking a huge risk waiting another 3 years.


Whether you have it now or in 3 years, it will still strain your relationship.
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself
By Garnet_Juliet Comments: 134, member since Mon Jan 28, 2013
On Thu Jan 31, 2013 10:12 PM
Okay, um, first of all, I was not saying that I would refuse to give up on my life if he got an illness. I was just contemplating the nature of commitment and the vows of sacrifice. Yes, I would want to give up on my lifestyle if I had to for his health and life.

Second, I never suggested that he would automatically love a child, although I know him and I believe that he wants children someday. Call me stupid if you want, call be delusional. I believe him.

I know that having children puts a strain on things at any time, and that's just something to consider and it's his reason for wanting to wait.
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself
By imadanseurPremium member Comments: 16604, member since Thu Dec 04, 2003
On Thu Jan 31, 2013 11:14 PM
I was with a guy for 7 years that played this...some-a-day thing with marriage. Maybe we will, now isn't the right time, perhaps, etc. I left finally. He is now in year 7 with a new girl and he still isn't any closer to marriage.

It is very sad that you know deep down you'll regret not having kids and you are staying with him. You are 33...that isn't that old. I have friends having kids now between 38-40. None of us can tell you what is right for you, but it is obvious this guy doesn't want a baby (which is okay). I don't want any biological kids of my own either, but when one person does, and the other doesn't it creates a huge mess and it isn't fair for you or him. It is painful, but you have to decide if you'd rather be married or have a kid, because most likely you won't have both in this current setting.
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Fri Feb 01, 2013 12:25 AM
No, his reason for "wanting to wait" is because he doesn't want to have a baby. And his intention is to pat you on the hand and say the right things long enough, and get you to stay quiet until the clock runs out.

No, I didn't say your marriage was a mistake, I said you needed to face the possibility that it might be. You two don't want the same things - are you willing to give up on the idea of ever having kids, in order to not be single? Is not being single honestly that important? Cause I mean, it's been awhile since I've been single, but uh...it's not that scary.
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself (karma: 1)
By Coccinellamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 5930, member since Sat Jan 25, 2003
On Fri Feb 01, 2013 12:50 AM
I'm sorry for what you are going through with your want for children, it sounds really upsetting.

While we're on the topic of having children later in life, I think that you should be aware of just how quickly that window is closing. People see a lot of women that are celebrities having children later in life and assume that they can do that too but don't recognize all the medical interventions that sometimes go in to helping these 40 year old women conceive. A woman in her early 30's has only about a 15% fertility rate per month and the miscarriage rate is about 1 in 5 compared to a woman in her 20's which is closer to 25% for conception each month. After about 35, you are now looking at only a 10% chance each month and the rate of having a child with a genetic abnormality is around 1/350 for Down Syndrome, for example.

I'm not saying this the be cruel, but there is a different between "I'm not quite ready to have kids, yikes, being a Daddy is pretty scary and babies are expensive?!" and "I think I might want kids in the future, actually I don't want them, well maybe..." I think a serious talk with your husband about whether or not his hesitation is out of his certainty that he doesn't want children or out of a bit of hesitation about being ready for a baby, there is a vast difference.

I don't know if you've every been on Reddit.com but the sheer amount of horror stories I've read about men who don't really like their children because their wives pressured them to have babies is terrifying. Don't let that be you guys.
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself
By dancemomtoo Comments: 2643, member since Fri Jan 09, 2004
On Thu Jan 31, 2013 09:14 PM
Edited by dancemomtoo (81523) on 2013-01-31 21:16:53
Sorry, but he REALLY does not want to have kids-he has told you that multiple times and you still believe you 'know' him better than he knows himself-I don't think so.

My husband doesn't want them right now. He thinks that in the future he might, but often he says he doesn't.

For years I've never allowed myself to admit that I even wanted a child because my husband doesn't want them

However, he often blurts out "I don't want kids!" or "I'm just glad I don't have kids" and he may not be aware of how much it affects me when he says that.

This is a hard topic for me to try to bring up again. I know he'll say that we've had this conversation before. Having a kid now would put so much strain on his graduate school success and our relationship because it would be a lot of work

I have a dear friend who married a man knowing he did not want children. She loved him, she wanted children but she married him KNOWING that he did not want children. She has completely accepted that she will not have children (she accepted it before deciding to marry him), but it makes her quite sad at times. She is a devoted Aunt to her nieces and nephews and she says that helps a bit.

And at 33 I would NEVER have let my husband guilt me into returning things I bought with my gift card (and he wold never have considered doing so) been married 28 years now-its been very difficult at times but we have survived those times bc we have a commitment to our family and bc we are able to compromise
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself
By Gavrilushka Comments: 872, member since Wed Jul 11, 2012
On Fri Feb 01, 2013 11:24 AM
Garnet_Juliet wrote:

To say this marriage might have been a mistake, is to say that I should leave now. Then where would I be? I'd be without a loving partner and still without children - and less likely than ever to ever have them because, frankly I don't want to be a single mother.

I agree. While you do have a biological clock ticking away, I think it's much harder then to get a divorce and find Mr Right. It could take many many years even. If you love a man, you love a man. Sometimes there are differences between the two of you, but your choices are: leave the man you love over 1 thing or stay with the man you love despite 1 thing. I'm not saying children are not a big thing, but sometimes I feel it's one of those things that really tests your love.

I'm in a similar boat as you are. I physically cannot have children (unless I suddenly grew some girl parts, but if that happened I'd be single again) and I feel (and this is my own opinion) that if you truly want and love children then you should feel no qualms about them being biologically yours or not, unless you could actually do it. My partner doesn't like small children (says they're obnoxious) which is why he wants none and even though he wants none, he can be pretty good with kids. ;)
Have you thought that maybe your partner doesn't like babies or small children? If so, maybe you can suggest adopting an older child?

If you feel your partner doesn't want children now and you have been with him for 8 years, then you may as well be more right than we on DDN think. Men typically are slow and don't like change, having a baby would set him on a timeline and put him in the fast lane. Not to mention it will change his daily routine - Oh no! So it could take some time, rest assured, you are newly wed and things do change over the course of your married life. He's probably still just settling in into this whole marriage thing (I know I still am and I got married in July!)

Garnet_Juliet wrote:

He says we could adopt some day and yes, that would be wonderful but I'm scared of that prospect as well. I'm scared that he'll one day realize he wants his own children, and by then I'll be too old to make them, and he'll leave me. I'm scared that he doesn't want children as much as I do, and he won't love an adopted child enough.


Oh Sweetie, don't be scared! When a man is married he is committed to you and loves you dearly. A child - adopted or not - to his eyes will just be a child. If he is liking and suggesting adoption then it is a good sign that he would love the adopted child in my opinion. There are actually guys out there who don't like the idea of having their own child because it's scary to see a child replica of them. In fact...that is what my partner's estranged father is like...
You have the option of IVF as well, but let me warn you beforehand. I was the result after 5 ROUNDS of IVF. That's right...and my mother was 30, but I probably should mention that she had an issue with her reproductive system as a result of cancer as well, that could have contributed. But anyway, IVF is an option, but a very costly option. Only if you REALLY want your own biological child should you attempt it. Usually, the first 2 rounds fail. I can't remember where I read it but the more treatments you get the more likely you are to be successful, but don't go in hoping you'd get pregnant on your first attempt.
In this way, IVF can be quite risky (and pricey). It's better to just adopt (if you are open to that).

When it comes to the idea of family all I can say is that a family consists of more than one person. I say this because I was raised by a single parent and I know that you don't need three people minimum to make a family. You can have two people who love and care for each other and they are still a family. Don't think that having a child will make you more of a family or make it complete. Really, a child is more like an extra. ;) It's not a need, it's a want. A want to manifest your love into a physical being who you will share the love you and your partner have for each other with.

You said it so yourself, you deeply love this man and would give up having a child. I'm very much the same way because I believe in us as a couple. You can overcome your differences, but it's a matter of priority. We all have our wants and desires, but life always teaches us to choose what we most prefer because perfection is 'making the most out of what you have'. You can wish to have a child, but your priority is to be with him, so you're better off being with him despite his dislike of the idea of having children. :)
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself
By Louisemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 17315, member since Thu Jun 06, 2002
On Fri Feb 01, 2013 11:43 AM
I think you need to ask him when "some day" is. He can't keep batting you off forever, it isn't fair. He needs to be straight with you and if "some day" means never, then he needs to tell you. He's being cowardly by not being honest and upfront, but equally you need to stand up for yourself and ask the question if he's not forthcoming with a concrete answer. You're married, you shouldn't be shy about asking him important questions.

I kind of think it's important to make a distinction here too - people who say outright that they don't want kids, don't want kids EVER. People who say "I don't want kids right now", want kids. People who say "I know I'll want kids in the future", want kids.

So if you believe him when he says "I'll want kids one day", that means he wants kids. Alternatively, he might be saying that to shush you on the subject for a while. So you need to be firm and find out which it is, and then if he definitely does not want kids ever, you need to decide if it's a sacrifice worth making, or if it's a sacrifice that will make you resent him for the rest of your lives.

There's no way I'd've married someone who was wishy-washy on the subject. I said 'sacrifice' just then because it is not a compromise in any way. You cannot have half a baby - you cannot have a situation where you are a parent and he is not. It is a completely black and white issue in terms of what people actually want - there's no "compromise" if one person is devastated that they're not going to have children after all, or if one person is forced to bring up a child they just weren't interested in having. You've done yourself a disservice by obediently following his wants and not admitting to him what you really wanted :(
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself (karma: 1)
By kandykanePremium member Comments: 16415, member since Mon May 01, 2006
On Fri Feb 01, 2013 01:45 PM
Hmmm. I don't know that I agree about the 'no kids ever' thing. I said I didn't want kids EVER and I changed my mind later. But so did my sister and she's NEVER changed her mind. Each case is different.

Let's go back to the original question - I learned that having a husband does not fix every problem. Having a partner does not mean I don't still have to figure some things out on my own and according to my own thoughts and needs.

Marriage still has to allow for 'me' space and time. We don't have to be tied at the hip and that is ok. Conversely, marriage does not mean I will never be lonely.

Not every marriage fits the mold of a traditional or 'ideal' marriage and partnership. Each must make adjustments according to the individual dynamics of the relationship.

Hard adult compromises must be made. I am not going to like everything he does or wants to do. Same for me.

People change. The person I married 27 years ago is not be the same guy today. But I am not the same person, either. Allow room for personal growth.

kk~
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself (karma: 1)
By Louisemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 17315, member since Thu Jun 06, 2002
On Fri Feb 01, 2013 01:55 PM
Hmmm. I don't know that I agree about the 'no kids ever' thing. I said I didn't want kids EVER and I changed my mind later. But so did my sister and she's NEVER changed her mind. Each case is different.

True, and I may change my mind. However it would be foolish to just assume that the 'no kids ever' person will change their mind and hold on to them for that reason, just in case. You've got to take people at their word. For example Tim and I agreed we weren't going to have children before we got married. He took me on my word. If I suddenly turn round and decide I DO want kids after all, then that's tough for me, really. I can't expect him to change him mind on something we both agreed on, just because I've had a change of heart.
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself
By J1ll Comments: 2344, member since Wed Oct 14, 2009
On Fri Feb 01, 2013 02:05 PM
I have learned that I give up on people too easily and hold on to opinions too strongly. But I'm a work in progress and so is my marriage.
Like everything in life marriage in cyclic. Even after 12 years there are days when I love him so much I feel like I could explode, and there are other days when I can't stand him. The best advice I got before my wedding from a couple that had been married for nearly 50 years was that you and your spouse will continually fall in and out of love over and over again. The trick is to never fall out of love at the same time and each of you must have enough love to fight for the other.

On the subject of children:
We had an early surprise child that neither of us were ready for and through that we discovered that we love to be parents. I never thought I could love this much. Being a Mom consumed me and I love it! When we had our second child who was "planned" things didn't go as planned and now we are parents to a special needs child.
Each of these events changes you to your core and shouldn't be taken lightly.

Your husband has said multiple times that he's not ready and may never be ready for parenthood. You have the information now it's up to you to decide what to do with it- let go of having children and embrace your life as the two of you or let go of him to try to have children.
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself
By Garnet_Juliet Comments: 134, member since Mon Jan 28, 2013
On Fri Feb 01, 2013 05:48 PM
I agree with the concept that it is all a work in progress; just as our individual characters are, so are our relationships. I think society puts a lot of pressure on married couples because the divorce rate is so high. There is this feeling that you must be perfect or else you are headed towards divorce.

He is the reason I don't want to be single. It's not just that I HAVE to be with someone, anyone. I have to be with him because we're in love and I care about him and, well, I just want to be his wife and he wants to be my husband.

If that means I have to stick up for myself a little more assertively than I'm used to, because he has a tendency to be overly assertive and opinionated, then we have to work it out together. We have to learn each others' weaknesses and help each other with them.

He said he wants children after graduate school is over...that's another 3 - 5 years depending on how long it takes to get his dissertation approved. He knows I'll be older and it's a risky thing to wait, that's why we talked about adoption. I'm just getting scared as the years go by.

I want to thank you for your advice and talking about it, this helps tremendously. Last night, after thinking about all that was discussed in this thread, I went home and we talked and fought and I cried and then we talked some more.

Having another person whose trying to get to know me so deeply, it forces me to confront who I am, and it demands that I make decisions about what I want, because he has a right to know what I want.


Also: it makes me realize how patient I have to be. When he talks about his research and dissertation stuff, it is sooo boring and complicated, and he gets so specific and technical. I have NO idea what the hell he's talking about most of the time. Sometimes I feel like I'm sitting through a lecture class on a subject I have no interest in. But he needs to practice his talks and lectures, it helps him to discuss it out loud and explain it. I try my best to get the general idea but sometimes I just nod and try to look interested while in my head I'm thinking about what I'm going to do tomorrow.

I guess I make him sit through things I talk about that he's not interested in, so you gotta be supportive.
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself (karma: 1)
By imadanseurPremium member Comments: 16604, member since Thu Dec 04, 2003
On Fri Feb 01, 2013 06:51 PM
Can you do a procedure to harvest your eggs so when you do want to have a child your eggs will be younger and might have a better chance of a successful pregnancy?
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself
By sworddancer2 Comments: 158, member since Wed Jun 11, 2008
On Fri Feb 01, 2013 08:30 PM
I understand that the situation is hard for you. It's unfortunate that the timing is bad biologically for you, but as someone currently in graduate school, I just have to say that I think it's perfectly reasonable for him not to want any children until he gets his degree. I could not imagine having children now, or indeed until I complete my postdoc (another 3-5 years). It doesn't mean that I never want children, just that thesis work is very time-consuming. At least in science, you are expected to spend nights/week-ends at work. This would make parenting much more difficult. Although this is sad, and indeed sexist, many supervisors frown upon people leaving early to care for their children, taking time off if they're sick, etc. You are seen as less career-minded than someone else who is there constantly. If he is committed to his career, I understand not wanting to take the risk.

Best wishes to you both. I hope it works out.
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself
By Celebrianmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 7921, member since Thu Mar 31, 2005
On Sat Feb 02, 2013 04:41 AM
OP, I'm sorry you feel caught between a rock and a hard place. Really when it comes down to it, you're the one who has to live the reality so I won't add any extra to what you've already been told.

As for myself and marriage and what it's taught me, I learned to let someone in. Because of the relationship I had with my father growing up I didn't trust 'men' in general and I didn't realize that that was a major issue with me until I grew up. Being married, after a while, I began to realize that life is not about 'man' 'woman' issues, it's about being a human being first. I let go of a lot of sex and gender-based thinking and started seeing people and seeing my husband first as a person. On the converse, I've also learned there are certain ways you can really hurt someone's manhood or womanhood and finding out what that is about your significant other is between the two of you since it's not generic or universal. It's a strange balancing act, but it's worth it if you figure out how to walk that unique tightrope of your relationship.
re: The things my marriage teaches me about myself
By Garnet_Juliet Comments: 134, member since Mon Jan 28, 2013
On Mon Feb 04, 2013 09:15 PM
I have learned how important sexual honesty and communication is, in a relationship. Because this is by far more serious than other relationships I've had (obviously), I've had to stop the passive behavior of thinking things will just work themselves out, or that sex isn't that important.

I know society puts pressure on couples as if it's a contest and whoever is having the best and the most frequent sex is going to win some prize. But aside from that silliness, I've learned that the sexual nature of a relationship is just as important as any other aspect of the relationship. I've had to overcome my insecurities and shyness and my fears in some ways in that regard. I've learned that sometimes it is important - however unromantic it may seem - to consciously make time and effort for being intimate. It sounds to me like such an old-lady thing, too! Ah well, maybe I'm kind of an old lady in spirit.
Page:
Page 1 of 21 2

ReplySendWatch