Forum: Advice / Secrets PG-13

Sex freaks me out - sex, trauma and recovery.
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu May 23, 2013 04:57 AM

I am female, and am in a long term same-sex relationship. I love my girlfriend very very much - she is beautiful, wonderful, kind, and patient.

When we first started dating, I seemed to be able to have sex. I'm not sure whether it was hormones, or if I just wasn't very present during it.

I have a childhood that was full of sexual abuse. I've been in counselling since I was 11, and went through counsellors, psychologists, hospitals, etc - the works - so, in many ways, I have had a lot of contact with professionals. Not many have been able to get through to helping with the abuse history - and I have a very very difficult time talking about it.

Now, we haven't had sex in months. Maybe even only once in the last 12 months. I just freak out and shut down every time things start to get sexual. We have had so many conversations, and I have said she deserves better than me, and it's okay to leave because her needs are not being met, etc - I feel terrible about it, and it breaks me because I love her and want to spend my life with this wonderful woman. To date, she has not broken up with me - but I need to sort this whole thing out. She has said multiple times she would just wait, and whenever it happens (or even if it doesn't) - it's okay. But I can't help feeling like this whole thing is not fair on her. Yes, there are other ways, etc - but I don't want to be like this anymore... I just want to be able to function.

I just don't know where to start. Counselling, yes - but so far, it hasn't helped a great deal. A the moment, when I get into a sexual situation with her, I shut down. If I am just with myself, if I get to the point of orgasm, the second I do, I have this overwhelming urge to hurt or kill myself. I absoloutely hate it.

Has anyone else been through this... and succeeded? How did it happen for you? What helped and what didn't help?

Thank you..

1 Replies to Sex freaks me out - sex, trauma and recovery.

re: Sex freaks me out - sex, trauma and recovery.
By Gavrilushka
On Thu May 23, 2013 07:24 AM
I am in tears. I'm taking myself off anonymous because I know what it's like to feel alone and think that you aren't normal and never will be.
Last year, these exact words you wrote may as well have come from me. I used to tell him to leave because he deserved better and he would say he'd wait for me. So I would just want to break up because I couldn't be normal for him.

I understand it so much.

I was, like you, sexually abused for many years and have been hospitalised, visiting psychologists since 6 and been put on medication so much it no longer works anymore. My responses to sexual situations do not differ all that much from yours.

If you want, you can inbox me, anytime, if you ever feel alone and just need to talk with someone who understands.

In the meantime, see a psychologist. Even though it costs more it's the only hope really. Counselling is only for 'surface level' issues, psychologists go deeper into the root of the problem. It's not going to fix quickly, in fact it may never fix, it's something we need to become used to living with. It's the only way to explain it.

For me...well...

It was hard I guess. I have DID so it's a bit weird and might be of no help to you, but it was mainly the work of my partner which got me to be able to become comfortable with having sex with him. It took over a year for it to actually happen and then another year for it to be manageable for me and then another year for it just being pleasurable sex. Although, I do sometimes get flashes of negative stuff, but it's brief and he's quick to comfort me and stop whatever we are doing.
The important thing is to get your partner involved with your recovery. Get her to understand what is going on in your mind and give her the time to process it all and be 100% sure that she is willing to commit to open up to you, help you and protect you.

We took a 2 week relationship/trust camp by advice of my psychologist. That helped quite a bit. The problem lies in trust mainly. I'm a very stubborn person and kept denying that my partner cared for me which hindered the progression of the trust - don't do that, but I think that can just be a personality thing.

I'm sorry I can't say much more, I'm sure you understand it's difficult to talk about.


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