Forum: Advice / Girls & Guys PG-13

Girls & Guys PG-13
If your boyfriend/girlfriend cheated on you, would you want to know?
By Polestar Comments: 427, member since Sun Mar 16, 2008
On Sat Jun 29, 2013 01:20 PM
Edited by Polestar (193509) on 2013-06-29 14:06:20

I din't want to hijack this girl's thread with my own questions (www.dance.net . . .)

I don't have nearly as much life experience as any of the posters that said that this girl shouldn't tell the girlfriend, but I just can't imagine her not wanting to know. Surely in the moment she won't be happy to hear it, but in the long run she should be relieved that she got the chance to dump him. Personally, even if I knew that the other girl only told me to hurt me or to relieve her own bad conscience, I'd want to know. I mean I'd rather hear it from my boyfriend, but still...

I guess now that I know what you guys think about telling, I'm curious what you think about being told that your partner cheated on you (from either your partner or the person they cheated with).

EDIT: It'd also be interesting to know, if you had a different opinion when you were younger, to see whether or not the "not-wanting-to-know-attitude" comes from having more relationship experience.

10 Replies to If your boyfriend/girlfriend cheated on you, would you want to know?

re: If your boyfriend/girlfriend cheated on you, would you want to know?
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member Comments: 8688, member since Sat Jul 10, 2004
On Sat Jun 29, 2013 01:34 PM
It depends on the situation.

If it was a one time thing, my bf felt awful about it and vowed to never ever do it again, I wouldn't want to know. It would kill my self esteem and ego and I am don't want to bring that baggage with me into the next relationship that I have. I will always wonder if I just wasn't good enough. ( even if we logically know that isn't the case). In a nutshell, if my bf and I have a long term future planned, I wouldn't want to know if it truly was a one time thing.

If he cheated because he just wasn't attracted to me,I would want him to break up with me, without telling me he cheated.

I have seen soooo many people hurt by cheating, and some of my friends have taken over 5 years to get over it, and even now, they aren't quite over it. If he was selfish enough to cheat, don't be bringing my self esteem down with that shit.
re: If your boyfriend/girlfriend cheated on you, would you want to know?
By J1ll Comments: 2344, member since Wed Oct 14, 2009
On Sat Jun 29, 2013 01:57 PM
Nope. I don't want to know. I believe that the confession is as selfish and hurtful as the cheating itself. It serves only to make the cheater feel better and it's them trying to absolve themselves of their guilt.
Hopefully best case scenario the cheating requires the cheater to examine their relationship and re dedicate themselves or end it altogether rather than coast along indulging themselves.
re: If your boyfriend/girlfriend cheated on you, would you want to know?
By slice Comments: 1247, member since Fri Oct 15, 2004
On Sat Jun 29, 2013 02:40 PM
Dang, you know, I don't really know.

I'm sort of in the same boat as YYD. A one-time, never gonna happen again sort of thing isn't something I really want to be privy to.

The only wrinkle is that, if there's sex involved my SO would then be putting my sexual health in danger. And as painful as that would be to find out, getting an STI because my boyfriend unknowingly strayed would be even worse.
re: If your boyfriend/girlfriend cheated on you, would you want to know?
By Believemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 1855, member since Sat Oct 14, 2006
On Sat Jun 29, 2013 03:16 PM
I wouldn't want to know. Knowing myself as we'll as I do! I know that would totally kill me and I know I would probably torture myself by looking at her Facebook etc. it would ruin my life and I'd rather just him break up with me or don't, either way I don't wanna know.
re: If your boyfriend/girlfriend cheated on you, would you want to know?
By DefyingGravityPremium member Comments: 5265, member since Sun Jan 19, 2003
On Sat Jun 29, 2013 04:30 PM
One time thing? Nope. Wouldn't want to know.

Drunken stupidity? Nope. Wouldn't want to know.

Sleeping with a friend when there was sexual tension? If you keep on sleeping with her, or carry on an emotional relationship with her, just break up with me. Again, I REALLY don't want to know this one, because it will probably lead to trust issues in my next relationships. I'd be hella wary of my next boyfriend's female friends.

Ongoing relationship? Please, just break up with me. I don't need to know the details of your ongoing relationship with another woman when I thought we were monogamous.

As for the STDs thing... Every guy I've been with knows how important STD testing it to me. I get the full spectrum of tests every year, and I make them get it, too. I'd hope they'd get tested before and after sleeping with another woman, but even if they didn't, I'd find out soon enough when I get tested. Cat would be out of the bag at that point.
re: If your boyfriend/girlfriend cheated on you, would you want to know?
By Claritinmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 2100, member since Tue Aug 30, 2005
On Sun Jun 30, 2013 03:25 PM
Totally agree that in a best case scenario the guy would just break up with me and spare me the trust issues and hit to my self-esteem. However, if he has no intention of doing that and it's between blindly staying with the guy and finding out, I think I would want to know, even if the way I found out was horrible. As I said in the other thread, I want to be in a relationship with someone who respects me and cares about not hurting me and if my boyfriend is cheating on me, he obviously doesn't. If other people know, I feel like I have a right to that information so I can make an informed decision to stay with him, or, more likely, stop wasting my time and move on to someone else.

I actually wonder sometimes if my last boyfriend was cheating on me but I'll never know and I suppose it doesn't really matter. I'm mostly just curious. I feel like I'm far enough past that relationship that it wouldn't even really hurt me if I knew, it'd just add another item to the laundry list of why I don't like him. I broke up with him, but I had been feeling discontent for a while, so if I found out that he had been cheating on me, that might have given me the kick in the pants to end it sooner rather than later. Of course, denial is strong so who knows if I would have even believed it at the time. There are definitely things that now seem questionable in hindsight so maybe that would have just been another one of those things.
re: If your boyfriend/girlfriend cheated on you, would you want to know? (karma: 1)
By Louisemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 17315, member since Thu Jun 06, 2002
On Sun Jun 30, 2013 03:52 PM
Not from the other woman. It's spiteful and catty. And I'd break her face.
re: If your boyfriend/girlfriend cheated on you, would you want to know?
By kandykanePremium member Comments: 16415, member since Mon May 01, 2006
On Sun Jun 30, 2013 03:57 PM
I don't think this is something you can make a call on until you are facing that situation. It's just so very different to consider it as a "what-if" scenario that to actually stare it in the face. Every relationship and situation is different and it's a very personal subject.

kk~
re: If your boyfriend/girlfriend cheated on you, would you want to know?
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Sun Jun 30, 2013 04:48 PM
Yes. And probably not for the reasons you'd figure.

I've always told Jim (the husband) that honesty is absolute, 100%, above all, paramount to me. You checked that girl out? Don't care, but be honest. You think she's hot? Don't care, but be honest.

So yes, I would want him to be honest with me if he'd slept with someone. I can't guarantee that I wouldn't care, because I've never been there (although I have witnessed/heard tale of him checking out other girls, and he has told me about other girls that he thinks are good looking, and I genuinely don't care...), but I'd want him to be honest, above all else.

I would NOT, however, want to hear about it from the jilted FWB that has a pattern of doing this sort of thing, and is just looking to alleviate her own guilt, under the guise of "giving me all the information". Hi, OP from the secrets thread!
re: If your boyfriend/girlfriend cheated on you, would you want to know?
By Tansey Comments: 2367, member since Fri Mar 27, 2009
On Sun Jun 30, 2013 05:44 PM
I would definitely want to know. It would really bother me to find out later that this happened and it was withheld from me. Ideally the information would come from my significant other, or from a close friend. I'd be upset if I found out later and the info had been withheld. Might even end the relationship just for the longterm dishonesty of withholding it. If a friend knew and didn't tell me, I'd probably never consider them a friend again. Like Teresa, honesty is paramount for me. Definitely wouldn't want to hear about it from the other woman though.

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