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re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol?
By Coccinellamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 5930, member since Sat Jan 25, 2003
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 09:29 AM
I have developed some pretty "traditional" views on gender roles but ultimately I don't really care what anybody chooses to do with their relationship or household. I will have my degree finished in about a year and am currently studying full time (5 courses) and working about 13.5 hours a week with the Federal government and my husband and I share another job for supplementary income and he works 37.5 hours a week at his full time job. He definitely helps around the home but I do take the lead on getting housework done and making food for us.

My husband is pursuing a job right now that will allow him to make a very respectable amount of money within about 3 years and ,depending on cost of living, this might mean I'll be able to stay at home if I choose to. I think I'd be bored so I'm only really interested in taking a hiatus from working when I have small children.
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol?
By schuhplattlerPremium member Comments: 3037, member since Sat Dec 23, 2006
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 10:39 AM
YYD, this post by itself I would understand and probably would answer.

But all the other posts you have written - surveying others on how they run a particular aspect of their lives? YYD, you don't need our permission to survive (and you probably have it anyway.

Be yourself. Run your life the way you want.
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol?
By Moonlitefairy06member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 7177, member since Fri Apr 16, 2004
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 11:00 AM
Most people here know that I've been struggling to find a new job for awhile now. Though I can't deny there were times when being able to stay at home, sleep in, apply for jobs for awhile and then go to to the gym and yoga class (using living social deals) and watching TV with my roommate was pretty awesome. Don't get me wrong, more than anything I want to find another job and be financially independent of my parents again, especially since I'm now back to living with them. My job search VCDT thread shows that I think. But I totally understand the appeal of that kind of life now. Perhaps because I've never had a job that day in and day out I've been excited and happy to go to has played a part. I've been excited about the prospective and goals of my jobs (for instance my last jobs biggest client was a presidential candidate, I wanted to win!) but the day to day work life is mundane and I have wondered if I would be happier marrying a rich guy and staying at home (though kids would probably be a part of this equation). As a capitalist, Republican, it can be hard to admit that especially since I have worked SO hard for everything I've had. I never took a day off at my last job for instance and worked really hard interning while going to graduate school full time. But the idea of someone taking care of me is appealing, but being financially dependent on someone else, as has been mentioned here, is incredibly risky too. New technologies come and go so fast now, that being out of the job market for even a year can mean you have no idea how to use the latest and greatest program that now every job listing has as a requirement. It's definitely a very difficult call to make. I think having a two person income can be invaluable because you never know what could happen. My mom has been the sole breadwinner of our family since I was about 10. That was not something we expected, but my dad got laid off, had some health problems, and is older and was never able to get another job. So it's really something that needs to be looked at at all angles, but I definitely see the appeal of being a SAHW or SAHM. At first being unemployed I did go nuts, but once I found ways to fill my day (including spending hours applying for jobs) you get used to it. I'm also an only child so perhaps that makes a difference as I am used to spending a lot of time by myself from an early age. Now that I'm back home though without my own car (lived in a metro area before), gym membership, etc and still no new job besides once in a while helping out at my mom's business, I would definitely prefer working and being independent even if the job is mundane and boring. I have a great desire to be independent of my parents, but I'm not sure if I would feel the same way about a husband.
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol? (karma: 1)
By Dancing_EMTmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 3466, member since Wed Dec 08, 2004
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 11:18 AM
Secondly, I feel the reasoning that "my husband wants to provide for me" can be very problematic. I feel that, in some relationship dynamics, this can be code for "my husband wants me to be completely reliant on him". I'm certainly not saying this is always the case, but none the less, the idea of a man telling me he doesn't WANT me to work gives me the heebie jeebies.


Not necessarily. When my husband had a higher paying job than me, he took pride in being able to provide for us. His salary paid rent and bills, my salary paid for our "fun" such as movies and meals out. It's the way he was brought up. Both his parents worked, but he feels as the man it's his main job to protect and provide. (Even though he knows I can hold my own in the protection area :P)

I enjoy cooking for us, but we alternate. If I've been on my feet all day working, he'll usually cook or at least help me.

The ones I can't stand are the women who go to college, get a good degree and a great job, but trade it in for her "Mrs." degree. As in, she got her master's, but then quits her job and stays home with the kids. Basically wasting her degree. I guess if it works for them, great. But she still took a spot from someone in that class who probably wouldn't waste his/her degree.

When I was a "stay at home mother" to our pets after I got laid off, I volunteered a lot at the local Humane Society where my husband worked, I was there 2-4x a week. The house was always SPOTLESS and dinner was made every night. I'd also take the dogs out to the park 1-2x a week. I enjoyed it, but also wanted to work.
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol?
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member Comments: 8688, member since Sat Jul 10, 2004
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 11:52 AM
Thanks Schuhplatter, but honestly this thread isn't about me. I am quite happy with the arrangement I have with my BF for our finances. As someone who mentioned earlier that people work to have a life, so if the family unit can afford to have a stay at home wife OR husband, why not?

As for it being unfair, I know some women who set out to be homemakers as a career. That is all they dreamed about, and they worked towards that goal since they were in high school. Doesn't it make sense that they would find a spouse that has the same beliefs just like other people go to college to prepare for a career? If that was their main goal in life, how is it unfair that they carefully chose their path and found a spouse who is willing to support them financially?
I am sure there are plenty of men looking for a homemaker just as there are men who are looking for Ph.d women who bring in $250,000 a year. There is a person for everyone.
If you think it is unfair, would you ever be happy as a stay at home wife? If so, find a man who would take care of you. If you would be unfulfilled ,find a husband who takes great value in your work outside of the home. I feel finding a spouse who shares your outlook is very important.
The reason why you have to work instead of them, is that they carefully chose a life when they didn't have to work. I am not talking about Krystal or anyone on DDN. I am talking about the abundance of " stay at home wives" in my town. They talk about how they would frequent charity events and go to bars in the rich district of the city to meet a wealthy spouse. I am talking about women who made it a career to find a rich husband, NOT someone like Krystal. ( Just wanted to clarify that)
I don't think Krystal married her husband, so she can just be a stay at home wife. That's what worked for them and I think it is great value for her husband, knowing that he has a wife taking care of the home, while he is away. Keeping doing what works for your family Krystal!

Two of my friends are in a marriage where she/ he agreed that she should be the trophy wife, and stay at home. He wants a hot wife, and she knows that her job is to keep the house immaculate and to stay physically attractive. Her career is going to the gym, dieting, and dressing pretty. She truly strived for that in life, and she is ass happy as I can tell. She works part time, but she has no desire to ever work full time.
As for a divorce, CA is a 50/50 state, So she would get half of the money. Considering that he is worth a few million, she is set for life even if she could never find a job again.
Some people are fulfilled having an awesome career and others are very happy being the " kept woman".

For me, I would work full time if my husband and I needed the money, but I prefer to just work part time. Honestly my part time job ends up working up to about full time hours anyways. Dance related things is my only career( teaching, office work, dancing professional etc). Dancing professionally and teaching take a lot of effort, going to competitions is time consuming, and it requires a lot of traveling. If I worked a 9-5 office job, I would have to give up my passion for dance. If I worked minimum wage to supplement the income, that would only be like $80 a day. My Bf makes that in less then 2 hours, so it makes sense for him just to work an extra 2 hours instead if me working 8 hours. That gives me time to do things for him, that he would have spent 2 hours doing at home, if I wasn't there to do it for him.

EMT, I don't think a degree is a waste at all. I feel that education and knowledge are very important things in life, it doesn't matter if you use them. I don't think of it as taking the spot of someone else. If someone wanted that spot, then maybe they should have earned the spot by being smarter then me and getting better grades. Even if my career is dance, I am planning on getting a masters degree in Business, because I value education. I am not a charity and I am not opening up that spot for someone who MIGHT use the degree.

So in a nutshell, I think whether you work full time or not says nothing about the " value" of a person. There are workaholics who are very unhappy, and there are poor people who are quite content with their lives. I don't think that money is the only way to happiness.
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol? (karma: 3)
By d4jmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 12490, member since Fri Aug 27, 2004
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 11:55 AM
College degrees are never 'wasted'. You don't necessarily get educated just to become a cog in someone else's system of work. Educating yourself is always beneficial to your life. Whose to say that the woman with a college degree who stays home won't become the most awesome homeschool mom ever and pass on that education? Or maybe she will be a stay at home entrepreneur or maybe she will be a well-informed and influential member of her community whose smarts can drive local politics to better decisions. Education is never wasted, always money well spent and you are never taking someone else's seat.
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol?
By PinUpGirlmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 25878, member since Tue Jul 16, 2002
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 12:12 PM
Two of my friends have become stay at home moms over the past 18 months. Both of them have college degrees. One actually as a Master's. She plans on home schooling her daughter and any potential future children. Her husband makes enough money that she doesn't have to work unless she wants to.

The second one wanted to quit her job for years. She hadn't gotten a raise in years and even got a pay cut at one point. When they did the math, it would be cheaper for her to quit and stay at home with their son than pay for daycare. She has her own photography business and does some freelance illustration work.

I don't consider either of those a "waste" of a degree or "stealing someone's seat". How were they supposed to know when they were going to get pregnant or the circumstances under which it would happen?

A third friend has a degree in fashion design and stays at home. Her husband is also a Marine (semper fi!) and he can afford to pay for everything. She's currently working on getting her foot in the door with movies and tv shows. She goes to conventions to show off her work trying to get more exposure and some paid work. Again, I don't see that as a waste of a degree. She's doing what she loves.

I have a degree in English Lit and work in finance. Did I "steal someone's seat"? Am I "wasting" my degree? Just curious...
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol?
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member Comments: 8688, member since Sat Jul 10, 2004
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 12:22 PM
Amy this will probably drive you nuts, but I have 5 women who were medical doctors who gave up their career, at the church I used to attend. ( the church is biased towards people getting a job in healthcare, because that is the Christian calling....so I admit it may have been skewed).

So not only did these women have college degrees, they had medical degrees!

2 of them women became stay at home moms who homeschool their children.
One volunteers her time with the Red Cross and travels around the world giving medical aid.
One started a flower shop, which is totally losing money each month. The husband says it keeps her out of the house, and I guess it is some sort of tax right off so he funds her flower business.
The other one designs and sells jewelry online on Etsy.

They said they can never go back to their careers because things changed so much and I believe their license has also expired?
Anyways, talking to them, I got the impression that none of them regretted giving up their career or choosing to get professional degrees. One of them married a doctor, and she said if it wasn't for her advanced education, he probably would have never married he and she wouldn't have the lovely children that they have now. So she sees her medical degree as a stepping stone to meet the right husband.

The others, they said while the money was good before, they were always stressed and they are a lot happier in other careers or volunteering.
None of them see their education as a " waste".
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol? (karma: 1)
By Krystalmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 8458, member since Tue Sep 02, 2003
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 01:17 PM
Edited by Krystal (73000) on 2013-11-27 13:19:14
Edited by Krystal (73000) on 2013-11-27 13:19:33 I swear I can spell...
Not necessarily. When my husband had a higher paying job than me, he took pride in being able to provide for us. His salary paid rent and bills, my salary paid for our "fun" such as movies and meals out. It's the way he was brought up. Both his parents worked, but he feels as the man it's his main job to protect and provide.


Yes, exactly. It's a man thing to want to be the provider in the family. My husband seriously takes so much pride in that, and so does my step-dad, best friend's husband, etc.

The reason why you have to work instead of them, is that they carefully chose a life when they didn't have to work. I am not talking about Krystal or anyone on DDN. I am talking about the abundance of " stay at home wives" in my town. They talk about how they would frequent charity events and go to bars in the rich district of the city to meet a wealthy spouse. I am talking about women who made it a career to find a rich husband, NOT someone like Krystal. ( Just wanted to clarify that)
I don't think Krystal married her husband, so she can just be a stay at home wife. That's what worked for them and I think it is great value for her husband, knowing that he has a wife taking care of the home, while he is away. Keeping doing what works for your family Krystal!


Thank you. I definitely didn't marry my husband for money...because when we got married we had none! I was working 45-50 hours a week at Subway as a manager. I loved the job and made good money, but we were still paycheck to paycheck. My husband worked in a hospital and made a little more than me. We had two used cars, a beat up one-bedroom apartment, and crappy furniture...but we were making it. There would be NO way we could have pulled through that if I wasn't working. Absolutely no way! When he joined the Marine Corps I just assumed I would still be working. It wasn't until he sprung it on me that he wanted to be the sole provider in the family; that I realized I wouldn't have to wear a baggy, ugly Subway uniform again unless I wanted to.

Her husband is also a Marine (semper fi!) and he can afford to pay for everything.


Aaah saw the word Marine! Haha. Ooorah!

Oh also wanted to throw it in here: When we do have kids I do plan on homeschooling them. I know that's a pretty hot topic, so I won't go into all the reasoning...but that will DEFINITELY be occupying my time. I'll have children's education in my hands!

And thank you for all the reassurance, guys. I know a lot of times opinions about sensitive topics like this REALLY clash, but you guys are making me feel like less of a loser. So thanks haha.
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol? (karma: 1)
By Dancing_EMTmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 3466, member since Wed Dec 08, 2004
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 01:23 PM
Edited by Dancing_EMT (115664) on 2013-11-27 13:32:46
EMT, I don't think a degree is a waste at all. I feel that education and knowledge are very important things in life, it doesn't matter if you use them. I don't think of it as taking the spot of someone else. If someone wanted that spot, then maybe they should have earned the spot by being smarter then me and getting better grades. Even if my career is dance, I am planning on getting a masters degree in Business, because I value education. I am not a charity and I am not opening up that spot for someone who MIGHT use the degree.


A business degree can be used in so many ways. English lit degree? Not so much, but that's an opinion that belongs in the (dead) Occupy wall st thread. Not here.

With a double major in dance and business, you'd have the knowledge to run a dance based business.

The "waste of a degree" I'm talking about is women who become lawyers, doctors, etc. then leave lucrative jobs to play house. Why spend 6 figures for a fancy advanced degree to play house?

I'll never stop thinking it's silly to give up a well paying job to play house. But hey, that's what the choice of feminism is about. I personally think it's stupid, but to each their own.


Oh also wanted to throw it in here: When we do have kids I do plan on homeschooling them. I know that's a pretty hot topic, so I won't go into all the reasoning...but that will DEFINITELY be occupying my time. I'll have children's education in my hands!


That's another great reason to stay home. In college, I was friends with a girl who had her associates degree at 18. Her brother is now at a well known college studying music and doing very well. She got her bachelor's degree to be a teacher at 20.

I hated school because it was boring. I probably would've done better in home schooling.

One of my friends home schools her son and then works nights as a paramedic for a theme park in FL.
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol?
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member Comments: 8688, member since Sat Jul 10, 2004
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 01:42 PM
Edited by YumYumDoughnut (99333) on 2013-11-27 13:45:51 Opps I meant 23, I forgot my age. Opps
Amy, I see your point,

I think that sometimes people go into the career fields with advanced degrees because they aren't counting on the fact that they are going to get married and " play house". I went to high school with a girl who was absolutely gorgeous and smart but she had zero self esteem. One of the reasons why she wanted to become a lawyer was because she felt no man would ever want her for a wife, and she had to " make it" on her own.

For other, they never thought they wanted children and to settle down, but somewhere along the lines their choices change and they wanted to become a mother and housewife.

The majority of people choosing their careers and majors are between 18-23 years of age. So much can change between 18 and 30 years of age. It is very possible that these women got these advanced degrees with the full intention of working a high paying job, but their interests changed as they got older.

I am a prime example of that. When I was 18, I started a businss degree with the full intention of becoming a high paying CEO ( a girl can dream). Now at the age of 23 I realized that it isn't worth all the effort of climbing the ladder if it doesn't guarantee my happiness. Dance is my passion, it makes me happy, and it pays the bills. I am also starting to open up to the idea that I may be a mother someday too. So much changed between 18 and 23, and I figure I will continue to change into my 30's and even 40's.

Some people are confident they will find a husband, and they want to dedicate all their time learning the ropes of homemaking. Others have careers with the intention if never getting married, and then they meet Mr. right, and plans change for them.
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol? (karma: 3)
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member Comments: 8688, member since Sat Jul 10, 2004
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 01:52 PM
I am making a post to address Krystal in particular incase it gets lost in my jumbled huge paragraph in my previous message.

Krystal,I sometimes feel that the idea of " feminism" is taken to an extreme. Obviously not all feminists think like this, but here is the experience I had when I went to college at a VERY LIBERAL college in a very liberal town.
Some people made me feel guilty that I even considered being a stay at home wife/mother. They brought up that women worked so hard in society to get rights, and it is a step backwards into the 1950's. It is basically a slap in the face to all women etc etc.

Here is what to remember. Women fought for the CHOICE to vote, work etc. If your CHOICE is to stay home, that is a right for you. I feel that people claim to be so open minded, as long as people's opinions are the same as theirs. Once you have a different opinion then the " open minded" people, they have no hesitation to call you a bigot, racist, homophobic, going back to the 1950's etc. They are " open minded" as long as you agree with their agenda.

People need to remember that we need ALL different types of people in this world. If we were all the same, it would be such a boring world. We need career women, stay at home mothers, stay at home wives, women doctors, women CEO's etc. Every one of these things are vital to society and it doesn't make you any less of a woman if you decide to chose what works for YOUR family.

Don't let anyone ever guilt you for choosing the life which is best for you husband and future children.
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol?
By Dancing_EMTmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 3466, member since Wed Dec 08, 2004
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 02:04 PM
YumYumDoughnut wrote:

I am making a post to address Krystal in particular incase it gets lost in my jumbled huge paragraph in my previous message.

Krystal,I sometimes feel that the idea of " feminism" is taken to an extreme. Obviously not all feminists think like this, but here is the experience I had when I went to college at a VERY LIBERAL college in a very liberal town.
Some people made me feel guilty that I even considered being a stay at home wife/mother. They brought up that women worked so hard in society to get rights, and it is a step backwards into the 1950's. It is basically a slap in the face to all women etc etc.

Here is what to remember. Women fought for the CHOICE to vote, work etc. If your CHOICE is to stay home, that is a right for you. I feel that people claim to be so open minded, as long as people's opinions are the same as theirs. Once you have a different opinion then the " open minded" people, they have no hesitation to call you a bigot, racist, homophobic, going back to the 1950's etc. They are " open minded" as long as you agree with their agenda.

People need to remember that we need ALL different types of people in this world. If we were all the same, it would be such a boring world. We need career women, stay at home mothers, stay at home wives, women doctors, women CEO's etc. Every one of these things are vital to society and it doesn't make you any less of a woman if you decide to chose what works for YOUR family.

Don't let anyone ever guilt you for choosing the life which is best for you husband and future children.


That's how I feel too. I'll just never understand becoming a doctor and then quitting to stay home.

I totally agree about feminism being taken to the extreme. It's annoying and stupid. I wouldn't choose to be a stay at home mom because I'd go crazy, but if that's what a woman CHOOSES, more power to her.
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol? (karma: 3)
By d4jmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 12490, member since Fri Aug 27, 2004
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 02:08 PM
The use of the words 'play house' is so insulting! AGAIN, we have a determination that only if you are contributing a paycheck are you of value. It's like we have been brain-washed into thinking that where you sleep at night is just a holding tank for the workers, nothing more. If you actually want to BE at home then you are useless because you are not a worker bee.
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol?
By Munkensteinmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 14381, member since Mon Aug 11, 2003
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 02:49 PM
College degrees are never 'wasted'. You don't necessarily get educated just to become a cog in someone else's system of work. Educating yourself is always beneficial to your life. Whose to say that the woman with a college degree who stays home won't become the most awesome homeschool mom ever and pass on that education? Or maybe she will be a stay at home entrepreneur or maybe she will be a well-informed and influential member of her community whose smarts can drive local politics to better decisions. Education is never wasted, always money well spent and you are never taking someone else's seat.

I'm all about education - our society needs educated people in it and I get the point you're making here. BUT I resent paying for other people to go to college in the form of taxpayer funded grant money, only to have some of those people not utilize their education for very long or at all. Especially while I'm trying to pay back student loans that I had to take out because my parents, who weren't paying my tuition, made too much money. Example: I know somebody went to law school for free on society's dime simply because he could and he didn't want to leave college for "the real world." Does he utilize his degree at all? No. Is he unemployed and seemingly unable to hold down a job? Yes. Waste of money, in my opinion. In my perfect world he would have had to hold down a job for a few years or pay for the tuition. I do know somebody who had a scholarship and failed out of college, so ended up having to pay the scholarship money back, so there's that, but the grant money just seems to be thrown out solely based on income level without any regard for anything else. To me that's irresponsible and yes, it ends up being a waste at times.
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol? (karma: 1)
By Nyssasisticmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 3643, member since Sat Sep 20, 2003
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 02:56 PM
While some may 'play' house, I am on of many that don't.

I don't "play" at keeping my house, I DO keep my house.

I don't "play" mother, I AM a Mother.

I don't "play" wife, I AM a wife.

These aren't roles I pick up and drop at will, these are the things I've dedicated my life to.

I take it all very seriously, and just like any other profession I spend a LOT of my time honing my skills to become the best darn housewife I can be.

The only assumption I can make is that someone that considers doing these things to be "pretend" is someone that doesn't take their home life seriously, which is sad because I consider life to be constituted by what happens outside of office hours, not what happens DURING them.
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol?
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member Comments: 8688, member since Sat Jul 10, 2004
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 03:06 PM
Edited by YumYumDoughnut (99333) on 2013-11-27 15:11:29
Edited by YumYumDoughnut (99333) on 2013-11-27 15:14:37
^ you are the perfect example of someone who chooses to be a housewife and mother as a career.

Sure, there are women who sit around the house smoking, watching Opera, and leaving their house in a mess, never cooking etc. That is someone I would consider as someone who hasn't dedicated her life to becoming a homemaker as a career.

I feel that sometimes in today's society, we are losing the art of homemaking. My great grandma( bless her heart) knows how to can foods, knit clothes, sews her own clothes. She also makes pickles from scratch, knows how to preserve foods, and has enough medical, food and water incase of a disaster. She also had to bring water from the well to do her laundry.
Man, being a wife during her time was actually super hard work. It isn't this " degrading" job and it actually took skills to run a household.

If we took away all technology, and lost power to a natural disaster, our family would be dead. I have no freaking idea how to preserve food with canning and pickling techniques. I have no idea how to make clothes from scratch, so we would be a really badly dressed family if it wasn't for malls.

I know I don't have the skills to be a homemaker in my greatgrandmas day. She was one tough cookie, and she would have laughed in your face if you thought she didn't work because she stayed home.

Homemaking CAN be a full time job, depending in how extreme you take it. If someone is sewing the family clothes, has her own garden and cans the food etc.

I know people say " This isn't the 1950's" and imply that housework was something to be laughed about. My grandma didn't even have a laundry machine, it took her 2 hours to do the laundry a day. During the war, her gardening and canning skills probably saved her family from starvation. The people who laugh and say " I would never want to be stuck in the 1950's and being a housewife...I would be so unfulfilled". Those people probably don't even have the skills that were needed to BE a housewife.

If I remember correctly, Nyssa and Krystal both know how to sew their clothes and they also do other things that save their family money. They homemake on a whole mother level. It isn't just cleaning and doing to dishes. They dedicated their lives to this art. Nyssa, if you worked minimum wage retail, you would probably be LOSING money sending your kids to daycare.
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol? (karma: 2)
By slice Comments: 1247, member since Fri Oct 15, 2004
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 03:17 PM
Well, a large part of feminism is choice like Amy said. The choice to do what you want with your body. The choice to be maternal or the choice not to be. The choice to break into a field like engineering or research in the sciences or the choice to be a teacher. The choice to be an equal or breadwinning contributer to the household income or the choice to not contribute financially, but to contribute in other ways. Or the choice to do neither and be a kept woman if that's someone's prerogative.

But also part of feminism is realizing the wide variety of circumstances that people face such that the luxury of choice is not available to them. Many many women don't have the choice to stay home (children or not) because it's not a luxury that they can afford. So I guess if someone feels like feminism isn't going to bat for them because they want to be a traditional homemaker, it's because the kinds of women in a position to make such a choice don't need protection. Modern society loves stay at home wives, even now. Just look at some of the most popular sitcoms; you're more likely to find wives without careers than otherwise I'd wager. Commercials for domestic products (from laundry detergent, to vacuums, to dish soap) all feature women who can be inferred as fulfilling that housewife role. Even most food and snack commercials show a woman greeting the kids at home after their day from school (again, implying that she stayed home during the day). When it comes to dating preferences, most men still say they would prefer a wife who either had a "foofy" profession or no profession at all to someone at an equal or above paygrade. Maybe women with more traditional values feel threatened by mainstream feminist discourse (which has trillions of problems, trust me), but it's everyone else, the women who choose to remain childless, the women who want children AND a career, the women who JUST want a career, the women who would love to stay home but are too poor to do so, etc etc. who get stigmatized by the American culture at large. Something to keep in mind.

I don't think we're losing the art of homemaking (though, the amount of women I've come across in college who can't cook is really quite frightening. If even just for yourself it's a pretty necessary skill!), more that the meaning of homemaking has changed. As it's wont to do and as it always has. You might imagine people in the 1950s thinking about what women at the turn of the century had to do and thinking "Now that was REAL homemaking!"
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol?
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member Comments: 8688, member since Sat Jul 10, 2004
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 03:26 PM
Edited by YumYumDoughnut (99333) on 2013-11-27 15:30:16
Slice I don't agree with what you are saying

If anything, in my experience people looked down on women who chose not to work. It could just be because I live in a progressive area if the country and we have a huge population of working women and a lot of women are college educated. If you said " I want to be a homemaker" in any one of my college business courses, I am sure people who have respected you less. Every single one if my classmates said they wanted a career and none wanted to be a stay at home wife.

A woman working in the tech industry, finance etc seemed to be more valued then a person who stayed at home. I guess if I were in a different part of the country, I would have had a different college experiences.

As for people who say " I feel that a woman is dependent on her husband because he pays her bills, I feel like she is wanting to forever be 18"... How about the men who are emotionally dependent on their wives and they benefit from her taking care of the house. Are these men " dependent" on their wives for homemaking and they are 18 years old because they want a woman to nurture him? Financially dependent is the same as dependent on her for childcare and and homemaking. If he divorced her, she is in trouble finding a job. On the other hand, he is in trouble because he lost a homemaker and childcare if they had children. Finding a job is probably easier then finding a stepmother for your children and someone to run the household while the man works. I thinks woman is screwed in a divorse if she is financially dependent, but a man isn't better off either. Wife gets alimony , half the family income , and possible child support.

I guess what I am trying to say above is that women shouldn't feel pressured to get a job just incase he divorces her. You can't always live for " what ifs". Plus most stay at home wives I know have marketable skills and hobbies that can pay the bills in a divorce.
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol?
By Nyssasisticmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 3643, member since Sat Sep 20, 2003
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 03:26 PM
YYD, I had enough success in my career before I quit to stay at home that, were the need for me to work again arise, I would be able to comfortably and singlehandedly support my household, daycare included. I'm not bragging, I'm just saying that to highlight the fact that my staying home is a choice and our family has decided to make the necessary sacrifices to make it work.

I do other "work", mostly dance related, that brings in a bit of income here and there, but I do consider myself a SAHM because my priority is, without question, to fill that role for my family.

That is, at least until Naoise moves to Texas. Then I am ALL about getting a job so she can nanny my kidlets. ;)
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol?
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member Comments: 8688, member since Sat Jul 10, 2004
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 03:34 PM
Nyssa, I am just merely pointing out that a woman working sometimes is money draining if she has children. She has to pay a babysitter ( I charged $30 an hour) plus she has to pay for gas. Daycares charge a lot of money, and a lot of women can't afford to work, if they had children.

That means, she had to make about $40 to break even. Would she have wanted to be torn away from her kids for 8 hours a day, just to break even?

I used minimum wage as an example, because I know women who work retail just to prove to society that " they have a job" ( to escape the negative connotations of them being a lazy stay at home woman " playing house") . Shes actually PAYING for the privilege to work and she is draining the family money just to say she has a job!
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol?
By slice Comments: 1247, member since Fri Oct 15, 2004
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 03:36 PM
YumYumDoughnut wrote:

Slice I don't agree with what you are saying

If anything, in my experience people looked down on women who chose not to work. It could just be because I live in a progressive area if the country and we have a huge population of working women and a lot of women are college educated. If you said " I want to be a homemaker" in any one of my college business courses, I am sure people who have respected you less. Every single one if my classmates said they wanted a career and none wanted to be a stay at home wife.

A woman working in the tech industry, finance etc seemed to be more valued then a person who stayed at home. I guess if I were in a different part of the country, I would have had a different college experiences.


I'm not talking about college, that's the point; I'm talking about the (American) culture at large. What gets presented by the majority of media as the normative household situation. A woman who says "I have a business degree, but I want to stay home to take care of my husband and children" might be criticized in the business world (by other women btw, likely not by men), but outside that context is generally look upon with approval. A woman who says "I want a successful law career and children aren't my thing" is the pariah. At least as far as the packaged, marketed, and sold image of a happy American family is concerned.
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol?
By Dancing_EMTmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 3466, member since Wed Dec 08, 2004
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 03:36 PM
YumYumDoughnut wrote:

Slice I don't agree with what you are saying

If anything, in my experience people looked down on women who chose not to work. It could just be because I live in a progressive area if the country and we have a huge population of working women and a lot of women are college educated. If you said " I want to be a homemaker" in any one of my college business courses, I am sure people who have respected you less. Every single one if my classmates said they wanted a career and none wanted to be a stay at home wife.

A woman working in the tech industry, finance etc seemed to be more valued then a person who stayed at home. I guess if I were in a different part of the country, I would have had a different college experiences.

As for people who say " I feel that a woman is dependent on her husband because he pays her bills, I feel like she is wanting to forever be 18"... How about the men who are emotionally dependent on their wives and they benefit from her taking care of the house. Are these men " dependent" on their wives for homemaking and they are 18 years old because they want a woman to nurture him? Financially dependent is the same as dependent on her for childcare and and homemaking. If he divorced her, she is in trouble finding a job. On the other hand, he is in trouble because he lost a homemaker and childcare if they had children. Finding a job is probably easier then finding a stepmother for your children and someone to run the household while the man works,


I think it REALLY depends on where you live. In the suburbs of Chicago, SAHMs are more common than in the city. Both my husband and I work in one of the wealthier suburbs of Chicago and if we go to the mall or a museum on a weekday, it's nothing to see a lot of moms with young children there. Sure they might be off that day or they might be the nanny, I guess. In the Austin area, they weren't very common. So I think a lot has to do with culture and where you are. However, Chicago has a HUGE population of immigrants from Europe, (mainly Polish and Italian) so that also might have something to do with women staying home.

Chicago also has a high population of women in white collar jobs.

So I definitely think it's dependent on culture and where you live.
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol?
By slice Comments: 1247, member since Fri Oct 15, 2004
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 03:38 PM
Edited by slice (109495) on 2013-11-27 15:39:10
Edited by slice (109495) on 2013-11-27 15:44:46
Dancing_EMT wrote:

YumYumDoughnut wrote:

Slice I don't agree with what you are saying

If anything, in my experience people looked down on women who chose not to work. It could just be because I live in a progressive area if the country and we have a huge population of working women and a lot of women are college educated. If you said " I want to be a homemaker" in any one of my college business courses, I am sure people who have respected you less. Every single one if my classmates said they wanted a career and none wanted to be a stay at home wife.

A woman working in the tech industry, finance etc seemed to be more valued then a person who stayed at home. I guess if I were in a different part of the country, I would have had a different college experiences.

As for people who say " I feel that a woman is dependent on her husband because he pays her bills, I feel like she is wanting to forever be 18"... How about the men who are emotionally dependent on their wives and they benefit from her taking care of the house. Are these men " dependent" on their wives for homemaking and they are 18 years old because they want a woman to nurture him? Financially dependent is the same as dependent on her for childcare and and homemaking. If he divorced her, she is in trouble finding a job. On the other hand, he is in trouble because he lost a homemaker and childcare if they had children. Finding a job is probably easier then finding a stepmother for your children and someone to run the household while the man works,


I think it REALLY depends on where you live. In the suburbs of Chicago, SAHMs are more common than in the city. Both my husband and I work in one of the wealthier suburbs of Chicago and if we go to the mall or a museum on a weekday, it's nothing to see a lot of moms with young children there. Sure they might be off that day or they might be the nanny, I guess. In the Austin area, they weren't very common. So I think a lot has to do with culture and where you are. However, Chicago has a HUGE population of immigrants from Europe, (mainly Polish and Italian) so that also might have something to do with women staying home.

Chicago also has a high population of women in white collar jobs.

So I definitely think it's dependent on culture and where you live.


Heh, I grew up in a western suburb of Chicago (aka stay at home mom central) and I currently live in Chicago. But Chicago is a hub for a lot of different people; a lot of YUPPIES and a lot of very very impoverished people, neither of whom have the option to just not work to large extent. A city environment like that changes what you can call typical I think.
re: Stay at home wives. New status symbol?
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member Comments: 8688, member since Sat Jul 10, 2004
On Wed Nov 27, 2013 03:42 PM
Edited by YumYumDoughnut (99333) on 2013-11-27 15:46:16
Slice as for you bringing up college students not being able to cook. I met some who didn't know how to balance a checkbook, do laundry, bake or cook. They said their parents were both too busy working so they had a housekeeper come and the parents never had time to spend with the kids.

When I lived outside of the big cities in CA...I did see a lot of stay at home wives. Right now I live in an area where it is a status symbol to have a rich husband.

I guess in San Francisco where I am, it is frowned upon to stay home, which is why I feel so strongly for women choosing to stay home if she wishes. I don't think housework is degrading or stuck in the 1950's.

A lot of people come to Sf bay area for careers so my experience probably isnt too typical either.

But slice look at the comment a on this thread. There seems to be a lot of negative and judgey thoughts about stay at home wives. It doesn't seem like the American ideal based even on this thread. Most people in here feel negatively about not working....
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