Forum: Adults / 30 Something

30 Something
I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it....
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Sat Dec 21, 2013 08:29 PM
Locked by Theresa (28613) on 2014-02-16 17:55:24 Locked, over, moving along...

So, I can't believe Jim doesn't get why I'm so upset, but he really professes to not.

A few weeks ago, I tried to make Jim's moms peanut butter ball recipe. They didn't turn out (too much butter). Rather than acknowledge the effort, or even acknowledge that sometimes that happens, Jim instead decides to handle the situation by screaming about how he didn't ask me to make them, he can't believe I asked our seven year old to help, etc. He caps this joy off with a screamed lecture on portion control, and a threat to send me a bill for the wasted ingredients.

Now, here's where our opinions differ. I ended this screaming match on the floor in tears. I think this whole thing was a d*** move of the absolute highest order, and I've adamantly refused to make them ever again.

He says there's nothing wrong with what he did, and my response is using my feelings as a weapon, which isn't fair to him.

Now, because I'm sane and everything, I'm pretty sure I'm not wrong, but seriously...back me up?

*and you can spare me the typical DDN, "you're being abused" rhetoric. I'm not - trust me, most abused women would be thrilled for my life/relationship. I just got in a bad fight, and can't believe my reaction is being perceived as being so out of line.,,

22 Replies to I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it....

re: I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it....
By CaffeinePremium member Comments: 3194, member since Wed Aug 08, 2007
On Sat Dec 21, 2013 08:36 PM
I'm on your side - I'd be horrified to be on the receiving end of something like that. Sometimes things don't work: the humidity is wrong, the recipe wasn't written down (or followed) just right, the universe doesn't want you to make XYZ. But to fly off the handle like that because accidents happen? Not. On. And you being upset is completely understandable!

I certainly hope he didn't do this in front of James. Now that would be a way of making sure the boy never cooked a thing again in case he got it wrong and his dad got mad again. :(

BTW, just WHAT was his justification for such a massive overreaction? Was it simply because his mom's recipe was botched, or does he have other things going on and this was the final straw?
re: I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it....
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Sat Dec 21, 2013 09:44 PM
Edited by Theresa (28613) on 2013-12-21 21:45:08
He says he's mad because he didn't ask me to make them, and because I shouldn't have followed the recipe.

My defense to that is that when we'd gone grocery shopping over the weekend prior, he bought several large size containers of peanut butter, saying that he was buying so much peanut butter so that I'd have enough to make the peanut butter balls, and he was also mad because I should NOT have followed the recipe. Which, doesn't pulling the recipe out of my hat kind of defeat the purpose of making moms peanut butter balls? I'm sure I could google oodles of recipes for peanut butter balls, but they won't be his moms.

So, we're at a stalemate. He thinks that over Christmas, he's going to have a talk with his mom about it. Boy howdy. At one point in our relationship, his mom told me she didn't know why I stayed with him, that I could do better. So, uh...mom's gonna be on my side on this one, I think. :D
re: I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it.... (karma: 1)
By LoriCook Comments: 1762, member since Mon Aug 17, 2009
On Sat Dec 21, 2013 09:54 PM
He is being a d**k. Sending you a bill for ingredients? Is he a twelve year old? I would bet it's not about peanut butter balls though. This time of year is hard on everyone, there's no sunshine and an expectation to be happy. It is a big bunch of stress. My kids and husband are always terrible humans the month before Christmas...or maybe it's me! Anyway, you both need to chill out. Go do something fun together that doesn't involve baking. You've spent too many days being upset. This too shall pass, unless you don't let it pass, in which case it becomes a huge deal. Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?
re: I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it.... (karma: 1)
By CaffeinePremium member Comments: 3194, member since Wed Aug 08, 2007
On Sat Dec 21, 2013 10:00 PM
Wha...? I can't even....

How can you make his mom's peanut butter balls without using her recipe? And if he didn't want you to make them, why buy so much peanut butter? There is NO logic there!

Image hotlink - 'http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v655/aragwinity/jiFfM_zps068d5e90.jpg'
re: I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it....
By toroandbruinmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 3627, member since Fri Oct 10, 2008
On Sat Dec 21, 2013 10:04 PM
I have the same question as Caffeine, why, exactly, was he angry?

He always hated his mom's goodies and didn't want you to make them (even though it might have made her happy to see you make her recipe)?

He thought you could make better treats than she did if you followed a different recipe and hoped you would come up with one which would please him?

He was unhappy about wasted ingredients? He was unhappy that you included your child's help in preparing the treats because this helped lead to the wasted ingredients? (And the learning experience for the kid wasn't worth the wasted ingredients??!!??)

Well, if you guys are truly starving I can understand the problem. Being able to eat every bit of food you can buy is of primary importance. But I suspect this is not the case.

So why was he so upset about your trying to prepare the recipe "as-is", at least for starters?

And would he have still been upset if it had turned out OK?

I suspect there is more here than meets the eye.
re: I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it.... (karma: 2)
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 6359, member since Thu Jul 12, 2007
On Sat Dec 21, 2013 10:05 PM
While my wife and I seldom fight, I suspect that if we did it would not be over what to me seems like a pretty trivial issue. If I got ticked at my wife it would have to be over something of greater gravity than the ingredients in Christmas treats. If I were to raise a ruckus like that she'd probably tell me to "get bent."

I guess I'd be concerned that he would choose something like this to be a point of conflict. That would concern me were I in your shoes because it strikes me as irrational. Now if one of you were having an affair, or spent the family into bankruptcy, that might be a cause for concern. But peanut butter? I gather you enjoy making, even experimenting with things like this. Like any parent you enjoy making treats for you family (I gather you only have the one boy) and I believe that a father must recognize that, just as I would hope that he also spends productive time with him.

Of course I don't know your situation or the negotiation styles each of you have with each other, but I would hope that this situation could be treated with humor. I would think a more appropriate response to a failed experiment would be more like "it's only some peanut butter, so back to the drawing board." This is the negotiation style my wife and I have had since we first started going together in high school 55 years ago.
If this sort of behavior continues, I would seriously address anger management issues.

You may have to be firm and tell him "please don't create a crisis where one really doesn't exist...save it for a real crisis."

Jon
re: I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it....
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Sun Dec 22, 2013 10:39 AM
Just to clear up a few things -

It's hardly that we've spent the last few weeks having a go at each other about the peanut butter balls. We had the initial go, and then it's come up two or three times since. Last night was one of those times, which is what prompted me to make this thread.

James (our seven year old) is an only child, and loves to cook. He and I had a separate conversation about why the peanut butter balls didn't come out, and shrugged it off. It actually was a good lesson for James all the way around - he's very cautious, and doesn't like to take a chance unless he's sure he'll get it right. So, for him, seeing that sometimes you get it wrong, and it's no big whoop, that was well worth the cost of the ingredients.

Which, speaking of, what did that amount to? $10, at the MOST?! We live comfortably enough - there's not a lot of room for extras in our budget, but $10 is far from being the difference between us having a home, or not having a home, know what I mean?

And I'll probably eventually forgive and forget, and I'll probably eventually attempt the peanut butter balls again, but I can guarantee that Christmas of 2013, there are NO peanut butter balls coming out of my kitchen!
re: I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it....
By saaammiemember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 440, member since Thu Apr 01, 2010
On Sun Dec 22, 2013 11:50 AM
Am I really reading this right? This is about COOKIES?

Sorry for saying this, but something is up with your husband. That really isn't normal behavior.
re: I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it.... (karma: 1)
By Tansey Comments: 2367, member since Fri Mar 27, 2009
On Sun Dec 22, 2013 01:24 PM
He's way out of line. Seriously, who flips out because peanut butter balls don't come out right? If a recipe fails I throw it out the food and don't give it another thought beyond how to make it come out better if I try it again. Seems like something else must be bothering him. Rational people don't go nuts over a failed recipe. And threatening to bill his wife for the cost of the ingredients? That's nuts. He thought you should make his mother's peanut butter balls by not following her recipe? He's being irrational. I don't get the part where he says he didn't ask you to make them. Does he think you need his permission? You're definitely not the one who's wrong here. I don't cry often but if someone did this to me, I'd cry too.
re: I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it.... (karma: 1)
By d4jmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 12490, member since Fri Aug 27, 2004
On Sun Dec 22, 2013 01:28 PM
Is he one of those guys who is into "do it right or don't do it at all'? If so well that's great to have such a high standard of excellence and yes we want to always try to do our best, BUT, BUT, BUT:

Cooking and baking is a creative endeavor (may be hard for an engineer to grasp since to him it may seem like a recipe is a simple formula and how can you get it wrong). Not only that, but it can be a family togetherness time and ultimately that is more important when you are cooking with a child than whether the recipe came out right.

He needs to be reminded that he will only be wiring his kid for stress if he reacts this way to you and James trying new things. I know someone who absolutely freezes at the thought of attempting anything new or novel. And that is because he was totally traumatized by his parents who insisted that every attempt at anything be perfect the first time. I witnessed this a lot with him when he was growing up (a friend of my son) and it was painful to watch.

Maybe there is something your husband has attempted that hasn't come out perfectly - can you remind him of that? Not like in ha you suck too, but more like just to point out that everyone in the family needs to cut each other some slack and be supportive when trying things out.

On that note, if I were you I'd ban peanut butter balls from the household unless HE makes them. And they better come out PERFECT or you get to razz him about it until the end of time, :D
re: I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it....
By LoriCook Comments: 1762, member since Mon Aug 17, 2009
On Sun Dec 22, 2013 01:31 PM
Oh I don't know, we've had nasty fights about hanging up clothes, who is doing more housework, why he can't buy the right thing at the store...these petty fights come up all the time in a long marriage. Usually there is a bigger issue that isn't being addressed or someone is very stressed out about other things (or has PMS). I wouldn't worry about it being abnormal but I would stop bringing this issue up. Doing that only causes more damage. Forgive and forget is a necessary skill. If there is an underlying issue, try to talk about it when you are both calm, like after Christmas.
re: I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it....
By Krystalmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 8458, member since Tue Sep 02, 2003
On Sun Dec 22, 2013 01:37 PM
My husband can get like this too, ESPECIALLY during times when he's incredibly stressed. It seems like every little thing irritates him. I totally get it because I can be like that too! I'm definitely not in an abusive relationship, and I know you're not either. Guys can just be real jerks sometimes!

I remember last year right during Christmas, we got into this huge ridiculous fight over what to put on top of the Christmas tree. I wanted to put the star that has been on our last 3 trees together (and was also my mom's when she married my dad), he wanted to go buy this new gaudy, tacky white angel with lights (looks so terrible). It's something SO trivial but it turned into this huge yelling match because we were both so incredibly stressed (he had received orders to deploy within the week, we were packing up the house to move out, finances were kind of strained, etc). We laughed about it later, and we still do from time to time.

If I were you, I'd do exactly what d4j said - No peanut butter balls in the house unless he can make them perfectly! :D

On a different note, I've had this serious craving for Buckeyes all week and this thread didn't help! Lol.
re: I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it....
By ShadowLunaCatPremium member Comments: 8820, member since Sun Sep 12, 2004
On Sun Dec 22, 2013 01:48 PM
^^ arrrrgh! Someone HAD to bring up buckeyes.. GAWD, I LOVE those things!


Ya know, it sounds as if this recipe is something utterly sacred and treasured that his MOTHER makes. And you didn't make it correctly. And how DARE you try to do something that he is used to having wonderfully made by his mother -- and if you can't get it perfect on the first try, then, darnit, GIVE UP!

My brother and I had a similar thing -- I went and tried to replicate what my mother did with a certain thing. Al came in, took ONE look, and said "This is wrong, you didn't do this over here." And he proceeded to do it. Didn't matter that I said, "I'm doing a variation on it", no, he wanted it EXACTLY the way my mother did it.

completely black and white situation. No gray areas. "This is wrong."

**sigh. Groan** "Do it just how Mother made it!"


Now, WHERE are those buckeyes?

Can you tell him to go outdoors and stick his head in the snow -- to cool off?

I think his message is that you never attempt something like this again. Personally I think he's being ridiculous.

Did you ask him if this is one of those things that he has special with his mother?

Just wondering. Just asking. Don't kill me, please.


Shadow.
re: I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it....
By Nyssasisticmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 3643, member since Sat Sep 20, 2003
On Sun Dec 22, 2013 05:52 PM
Yep, if he's going to be a douche about it, the easiest way is to just not make them again. If he complains, all you have to say is "last time I tried to make them, they caused a fight and they're not worth it". End of discussion.
re: I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it....
By kandykanePremium member Comments: 16415, member since Mon May 01, 2006
On Sun Dec 22, 2013 10:36 PM
This is slightly controlling and more than just a little d***ish. How nice of him to put a damper on the holidays with such a trivial tantrum.

When my husband tries this crap, I refuse to fight back. At all. It's not worth it. I just get more upset. It seems to sink in sooner to him that he's out of line when I don't fight back. And then we don't speak til he apologizes or I get over it or both. But I'd rather not speak to him than fight. Talking about it is one thing, but fighting over such small things? No. Waste of time and energy. He can be mad all by himself, I have more important things to deal with.

kk~
re: I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it....
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6817, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Sun Dec 22, 2013 11:01 PM
I'll try to not repeat any of the very astute observations already made by others but I do want to back you up on another aspect of this altercation.

When I first started visiting this site years ago, you were looking for a tag line for your blog: "Chef:____ ", and after running a fun little contest right here on DDN, the winning suggestion was, "Chef: Cooking with James and The Giant Peach."

Your explanation when awarding the prize of a DDN Premium Membership (very generous btw) was, "James is usually my partner (in crime? in the kitchen? ... I forget exactly) but I think he was only about 4 years old at the time. I remember thinking that my grandson of the same age just LOVED cooking with me. For Christmas two years ago my daughter bought us matching aprons and chef's hats. He still gets them out when it's time to cook.

I find it a bit revealing of "something else going on here" that Jim was critical of you having James help with something so ordinary, something so traditionally shared with women and their young children or grandchildren, and something that has been an ordinary part of your family dynamic for many years.

I have to agree with everyone else here... this isn't about peanut butter balls. Stress, anger or dissatisfaction about something else, insecurity about something unrelated to you or James or your marriage, perhaps, fatigue, or just holiday angst, but for this little thing to have erupted into a recurring issue seems disproportionate to the cost of ingredients, which I estimate to be closer to $6.00, than $10., if my guesses are correct.

Additionally, I find that I learn much more from my mistakes than from easy successes. You have already determined that there was too much butter in your first try. So? It is unlikely that you'll make that mistake again. Not only in this recipe, but in all others... you've learned that although cooking may be art, baking is science. You have to measure every. single. ingredient. like a chemist. But you already know this.... Jim, on the other hand, didn't actually make anything, yet had no trouble lecturing you about NOT following the directions (this is just plain old out of the box crazy, btw...)and throws in a rant about portion control ??? In addition to using too much butter, did you force your seven year old to eat 30 of these greasy morsels? (and somewhat aside, some of the greatest commercial successes, like Toll House Cookies, and Ivory Soap ...it floats.... were discovered as the result of A MISTAKE.)

I can't help but suspect that for what ever reason, Jim drew a line in the sand over this stupid issue and has used it as a platform for something else he can't quite articulate rationally.

You have my sympathy. I know this is a small thing, I know you will put it behind you and just back away from all Peanut Butter Balls in the future, no matter what form they take, but it has to be infuriating because .... well... you're 100% right about this and for whatever reason, Jim is determined to be stubborn and keep this going for three weeks . Oy... This, as Lori pointed out, is part of married life sometimes.

Again, you have my sympathy. These things could be easily avoided if men would just realize that when inside the four walls of their marital home, the woman is always right. I do believe Jon will back me up on this strategy. I suspect this is why he and his wife don't fight often. xoxo

Hugs

Keep On Dancing*
re: I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it....
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6817, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Sun Dec 22, 2013 11:25 PM
Krystal wrote:


On a different note, I've had this serious craving for Buckeyes all week and this thread didn't help! Lol.


I've never had these, but this recipe looks very similar to peanut butter Easter eggs we make occasionally.

allrecipes.com . . .

If this is the right recipe, why not post in on the cookie swap? I just LOVE giving karma on that thread!

(sorry for the hijack, T.)

Keep On Dancing*
re: I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it....
By MuffinHeadmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 5172, member since Thu Jun 10, 2004
On Mon Dec 23, 2013 06:09 AM
That is THE most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

When he bills you, is the money going to come out of your joint checking account? :P

He's being silly. But I'd say, let this one go. It's not a huge deal. It shouldn't have been a huge deal.
re: I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it.... (karma: 4)
By Nyssasisticmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 3643, member since Sat Sep 20, 2003
On Mon Dec 23, 2013 09:17 AM
Call me sexist, but I call these Mantrums. Just like a toddler, (and just like Christine said), there is something more to this that he's unable to articulate.

Not that we women don't have total meltdown overreactions from time to time, but I'll let Hubby give those a title. For him, when he pulls crap like this for no good reason, I just call it a Mantrum.
re: I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it....
By Krystalmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 8458, member since Tue Sep 02, 2003
On Fri Dec 27, 2013 05:34 PM
^Love that term! I'm going to start using the word "Mantrum" too. Probably the best way to describe those little hissy fits about nonsense!
re: I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it....
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6817, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Fri Dec 27, 2013 08:22 PM
I visited my father on Christmas. He is in his eighties, and just stopped working about 3 months ago.

After spending some time talking to him and reflecting on his way of looking at things, I realized his pointed fixation on petty details are part of what has made him extremely successful in his career.

He's an engineer.

I swear, while I was listening to him become passionate about some small detail, I reminded myself that this attention to every little screw and washer is what makes bridges reliable.

Then, as bizarre as this sounds, I thought of your husband.

My dad would get almost crazy about the stupidest things when I was growing up... for example...

One day, a friend was sleeping over and she put cottage cheese in a mug of tomato soup for breakfast. My mother had just made eggs and English muffins and a regular sit down family breakfast, and she got up from the table and make this for herself. It was odd, and frankly, rude. After she went home, instead of just framing the incident in those terms, he went off insisting that adding cottage cheese to hot tomato soup would change the structure of the membranes of the curds in the cheese and.... and....??!!!

Who knows? It was as crazy as suggesting that you shouldn't have followed a recipe. But after about 50 years I can step back and lovingly at the touch of crazy that makes rocket scientists.

You have my understanding and sympathy. Not only does my dad's "passion" make me cry from time to time, he too gets put out at the idea that he is maligned in this way... in his world tears are a false accusation directed at him, not a response to stimuli.

xoxo

Keep On Dancing*
re: I can't believe he doesn't get it, but he doesn't get it....
By smileywomanmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 11032, member since Sat Sep 17, 2005
On Sat Dec 28, 2013 02:26 PM
I'm troubled by:

1. him yelling at you over something that IS trivial

2. him yelling at you as a poor role model to your son on how to treat someone who 'fails' at something

3. him yelling at you over the wasted money for the ingredients.

4. this is NOT a little thing. There IS something else that has made him mad and he choose to blast you.

Regardless of his reasoning, I'm MAJORLY concerned that he doesn't get it, but he REALLY did do something that is emotionally hurtful on SO many levels.

PS I know husbands don't often 'get it' but the behavior and the non-acknowledgement that he really did do something that requires an apology?! I don't get it...

ReplySendWatch

Message locked, no more replies allowed