Forum: Adults / Married Life

Married Life
Balancing married life with friends
By ladybugbop Comments: 89, member since Sun Nov 27, 2011
On Sun Jan 12, 2014 11:00 AM

Over the past year since I've been married, and my good friend has gotten a serious boyfriend, we haven't hung out as much. I know we're both pretty busy at this point in our lives. I'm always going to put my husband first, but that's not to say that I don't care about my friends! How do you find the balance? When weekends come along and I've hardly seen my husband all week because of work and such it makes the weekends "our" time. And also cleaning the house time! How do I kindly say to a friend that I'm not make plans all the time like we used to? She'll ask if I'm doing anything that day and sometimes the answer is no I'm not...but I need time with my husband. I don't want to seem like I'm blowing people off...

9 Replies to Balancing married life with friends

re: Balancing married life with friends
By Nyssasisticmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 3643, member since Sat Sep 20, 2003
On Sun Jan 12, 2014 11:56 AM
Then you ARE doing something, you're spending much-needed time with your husband.

There is no "balance" for this. Hubby is priority, and that makes everyone else secondary. Hopefully, in the future you'll be able to spend one-on-one time with your husband during the week so you may have more free time for friends, and it's totally okay to take a couple of hours out of a few weekends a month even to have some "you" time.

The main thing to keep in mind is that YOU are happy with how your time is being spent. If you feel the need to spend coupley time with your husband, do it. If you want to spend some time with your friend, just give your husband a heads-up so he can find something to suit his interests during the time you're out.

Or hey, if your friend now has a boyfriend, you can always do the 2 birds/one stone and double date :)
re: Balancing married life with friends
By dancin_til_death Comments: 4381, member since Sat May 08, 2004
On Sun Jan 12, 2014 09:38 PM
A little bit confused about what you want. Do you want to spend more time with your friend or do you want to explain gently that you are happy not seeing her?

My partner and I work a lot and have fairly active social lives. The only way we make it work is through routine. Monday night, Friday night and Saturday morning-midday is our time. That time is sacred us, time where we try our new dinners, couple excursion, or curl up on the couch and watch tv. Mid week nights are open to friends/sport/gym activities. Saturday night and Sunday day is open to friend activities to be scheduled without prior negotiating, usually we send sms's to update each other. If for someone reason the friend activity takes place on our "couple time" couple time has to be rescheduled. Also our friends groups are somewhat merged now, so its easier to so its not just "friend" or "couple" time. We also talk a lot via sms, which sounds lame, but it helps us feel together and present even when we're at work or with friends.
re: Balancing married life with friends (karma: 3)
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 11321, member since Sun Nov 23, 2003
On Mon Jan 13, 2014 07:35 AM
Yeah, I'm really confused about what you're asking about. Are you saying that your friend always calls up during the weekends, when you're busy? I think this is pretty easily solved...just tell her you can only hang out on weeknights.

As someone who's been married for about as long as you have, but probably dated for longer (just because we dated longer than 90% of people getting married, haha)'s really, really important to maintain your friendships. Yes, quality time with your husband is important, but you cannot put all your relationship and friendship energy into your husband. That's not fair to him, and it will drive you apart more than it will bring you together. He just can't be everything to you. There will come a time when you need to reach out to someone--perhaps because your husband has a health crisis, or maybe you lose someone close to you and you find out your husband doesn't deal with grief the same way you do. It will be hard when you realize you don't really have a close friend to share this stuff with, or that it would be supremely awkward to call them up and dump on them when you haven't talked for six months.

I've come to a point where I realized I need to be more intentional with my friendships (especially because all my very closest friends don't live in my city). I totally understand it's easier to just sit at home because you have an insta-friend there with you, but occasional time apart and outside friendships are just as healthy as making time for your partner.
re: Balancing married life with friends
By Kettricken Comments: 174, member since Thu Jun 07, 2012
On Mon Jan 13, 2014 08:36 AM
My husband and I live several hours from my best friends. So, several times a year all the girls get together in one city and spend a couple days having a 'girls' weekend'. We shop, cook, go to tea, see a movie, whatever. I love spending time with my husband, but occasionally I need my girl time to. We were married a few years before the Girls' weekends started though.

I think it is important to set time aside for friends, but I know it is hard to give up weekend time around the house/with the husband. Finding the balance is something that will just come with time.
re: Balancing married life with friends
By ladybugbop Comments: 89, member since Sun Nov 27, 2011
On Mon Jan 13, 2014 09:09 PM
Thanks for the replies! Sorry about the confusion. I guess what I mean is she only wants to hang out on weekends and since hubby and I work opposite shifts the weekend is our only time together, so I end up saying no a lot. I need to find a happy medium though and maybe every other weekend could be a hang out with friend weekend. I also feel like we're headed separate directions though, and that's another story....she still lives at home with Mom and only has to work 4 hours a day so she has a hard time understanding why I would need to get housework done or why I can't just buy a new car when my current car breaks down. I think a part of her is still stuck in that high school stage where as I'm moving on to other things.
re: Balancing married life with friends (karma: 1)
By LoriCook Comments: 1762, member since Mon Aug 17, 2009
On Tue Jan 14, 2014 03:35 AM
Invite her to come help you clean house. Or have a cup of tea and chat while you do the dishes. During my first marriage I let all my friends go. When I got a divorce I had no one. It took 4 years to build up a group of friends again. It was a very lonely time.
I make time for my friends even if it is 3pm-4pm once a month at Starbucks. If you work separate shifts then there are many hours he is gone in which you can visit with friends without feeling like your neglecting him. Housework doesn't take too long if you keep up on it. It is easy to get complacent with friendships but trust me, you need friends! Fit in an hour here and there. You won't regret it unless she is a friend you'd rather not keep.
re: Balancing married life with friends
By dancin_til_death Comments: 4381, member since Sat May 08, 2004
On Tue Jan 14, 2014 07:01 PM
Why can't you clean the house during the week while your husband is at work?
re: Balancing married life with friends
By ladybugbop Comments: 89, member since Sun Nov 27, 2011
On Wed Jan 15, 2014 08:57 AM
I do clean house while hubby is at work but it's not always kept up with lol especially with our car situation! One broke down and we're having to take each other to work so we've hardly been home to get stuff done. Thanks for the replies :)
re: Balancing married life with friends
By SaraTheGrouchmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 8600, member since Thu Apr 17, 2003
On Wed Jan 15, 2014 10:52 AM
I get the whole "husband comes first" thing, but if you put your friends so far on the back burner, don't be surprised when you don't have friends anymore. Friendships are important, even when you're married. If you neglect them, they will disappear. If these friends mean enough to you, you'll make the time to see them. Even if it's a quick coffee date mid-week, you should find the time. Since this friend has a serious boyfriend, a double date is a great idea.