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Embarrased about friends behavior.
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 01:05 PM
Edited by YumYumDoughnut (99333) on 2014-03-02 13:08:05
Edited by YumYumDoughnut (99333) on 2014-03-02 13:15:29 Go to gym...not too too too gym ugh autocorrect,

I don't want to go too much into detail but I have a friend who is so rude to service workers. Waitresses, nail salons, grocery baggers. She embarrasses me quite a bit, but I have no idea how to approach this subject with her. I always leave a 30% tip whenever I go get my nails done with her or eat out with her.

I don't want to stop being her friend because I enjoy her company and she treats me really well. So please don't tell me that I should stop going out with her. During the day, she is one of the only people who doesn't work that I can hang out with. We go to the gym together, grab coffee, nails etc. I don't start work until 1 PMish, so I like being able to have a buddy in the morning,

I hang out with people who treat service workers nicely during the weekend.
I wouldn't date a man who treated service people badly, but she is very entertaining company when I have 1 hour to kill shopping or getting my nails done. Thoughts?

Do I say something to her? Should I apologize to the people out of earshot?

57 Replies to Embarrased about friends behavior.

re: Embarrased about friends behavior.
By ballerinatwirler
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 01:55 PM
I'm a little curious to what exactly is she doing?
re: Embarrased about friends behavior.
By ChristinePremium member
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 02:53 PM
Some people enjoy the power play of being "assertive" with those "serving" them. It is a terrible character flaw.

The next time she starts, give her a stern look and say, "Be nice..." or "Kinda harsh, no?" She may not realize she is being so obnoxious, just believes she is making her needs known, although I suspect it is a power trip for her.

In defense of the servers, or the nail people, do not just sit there and pay a 30% guilt fine. If she is rude, right there and then jump in and be nice to the person if it is appropriate. If you are simply an observer, an understanding (helpless)smile or a well placed eye roll may help make the victim of this bully feel better. I know you said you enjoy this person's company, but it really isn't good for you or your long term friendship to let this go.

I do try to keep a grip on my judgmental reactions to others but I can't help but think less of individuals who belittle others they consider their inferiors. Not nice...

Keep On Dancing*
re: Embarrased about friends behavior.
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 03:24 PM
Edited by YumYumDoughnut (99333) on 2014-03-02 15:25:37
Edited by YumYumDoughnut (99333) on 2014-03-02 15:35:39
ballerinatwiler, here are a couple examples from our most recent outing.

1. We were getting a pedicure, and the nail lady was talking to my nail lady in a foreign language quite loudly. My friend said " I don't pay $80 for a pedicure so I can hear you talking, If I wanted to listen to Vietnamese, my husband and I would plan a vacation there".

2. We were eating at a restaurant and our waitress brought her a regular Pepsi instead of diet. She told the waitress " Maybe you should go to college instead of wasting time being a waitress. Maybe you wouldn't get orders wrong".
I actually asked her why she tarted her like and her explanation was that she was paying good money for the meal, and she was providing her waitress with an income, so she could demand whatever she wanted for the privilege of paying her bills.

She isn't what I consider a " close friend" but she is someone who isn't flakey for meeting up with for a workout or lunch, I don't think she cancelled on me ONCE, which is super hard to find in a workout buddy.

She speaks this way to her husband also and even her own parents. But, she doesn't do it to any of her female friends or to myself. I want to continue spending time with her but I also want to know how to approach her and if I should even say anything.

I pay 25% tip anyways, so the extra 5% is nothing for me if they put up with us.

She is in her 30's, not some 18 year old who doesn't know any better.

She is very responsible, hard working, and she has a bunch of other positive personality traits which is why she is still my friend. We aren't perfect, so I try to accept my friends for who they are, but this one is driving me up the wall.
re: Embarrased about friends behavior.
By majeremember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 03:58 PM
I encounter people like that all the time at work, it pisses me off but I just smile and be nice to them. It sounds like it is something that is ingrained in her and it isn't something that is likely to change.
re: Embarrased about friends behavior.
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 04:12 PM
Majere, I have friends who are waitresses and I hear horror stories from them, it seems to be quite common.

I just don't get why people need to be rude, just because they are paying the bill. Sometimes the whole " Customer is Always Right" gets out of hand!
re: Embarrased about friends behavior. (karma: 1)
By majeremember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 04:17 PM
YumYumDoughnut wrote:

Majere, I have friends who are waitresses and I hear horror stories from them, it seems to be quite common.

I just don't get why people need to be rude, just because they are paying the bill. Sometimes the whole " Customer is Always Right" gets out of hand!


And I work in a library! It's strange that people will do stuff like that even when it's a free service for them.
re: Embarrased about friends behavior.
By SaraTheGrouchmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 05:03 PM
Your friend has some nerve. I'd flat out tell her to stop acting like an entitled jerk. But with more colorful language. I couldn't tolerate being friends with someone who treated people so poorly, even if it isn't me she's mistreating.
re: Embarrased about friends behavior. (karma: 2)
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 05:07 PM
So...I want to make sure we're all clear on what's happening here. She's an absolutely relentless a-hole, TO EVERYBODY, being her friend is not only earning you a bad rep but is now costing you money...but she's available to go get a pedicure at 10am, so we're gonna keep her?

If that's the trade off that you're willing to make to have someone to go get a pedicure with, then you grit your teeth and hang on, because this is the company you choose to keep. And I wouldn't try any food or drink she gets served, no matter what, because she's eating a lot of spit, I'd nearly guarantee it.
re: Embarrased about friends behavior.
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 05:22 PM
Edited by YumYumDoughnut (99333) on 2014-03-02 17:30:05
Edited by YumYumDoughnut (99333) on 2014-03-02 17:44:55
^ she's an asshole at times but she also has a bunch of good qualities about her that I value in our friendship. I wouldn't ever date someone like this, but for me, the friendship is worth it.

She never flakes, she is ALWAYS on time, she loves talking politics, we work out in the gym together very well. She has been there during the rough time of my relationship, when no one else was.
So for me, the friendship is worth keeping around. I am no easy walk in the park myself. I am not making any excuses for her, but she has been a better friend to me then people who are always 5 mins late or flake out on lunches or forgets to call back when they said they would. She keeps her word and I respect her for that.


I've learned on DDN that the world isn't black and white and I should start to see the grey in life. No one is perfect and I see the good qualities in her and I want to keep her as a friend because she is the least flakey person I have met.

She donates her time and money to charities, goes out of her way to give the homeless money etc. She just has this roughness in what she says and I'm not even sure if she notices that she is being condescending. She talks like this to her OWN HUSBAND, the man she loves...so I don't think has this horrible intention.

She isn't a " close friend" in the sense that I would travel half way around the world several times a year to meet up, knows significant details about my sex life, nor would I risk my life for her....but she has been a good friend to me. It's a friendship of convenience and also we mesh on all the majority of important outlooks like finances, religion, politics and even hobbies.

So again, is this something I should bring up or is it totally none of my business? I am thinking that the next time she does this, I would just talk to her about how her actions are embarrassing.
re: Embarrased about friends behavior.
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 05:58 PM
Actually, the better question for people who have been in the service industry is what I should do if I am there witnessing it?

We combine the check and we end up tipping 30% which is 5% over the " normal" tip here, but should I be doing something else too?

Should I just give a " I'm sorry" look and slight smile? I don't want any spit ending up in MY food.
re: Embarrased about friends behavior.
By hummingbird
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 06:46 PM
YumYumDoughnut wrote:

I don't want any spit ending up in MY food.


Don't count on there not being spit in your food if you're sitting with someone who's that rude. If she talks to her own husband and parents like that then there's no hope for her really, she's just an rude ass!

People know she's paying for the service, that's why they apologize when they get it wrong, they don't need her to ram their mistakes down their throats. They also don't need her to tell them how to do a job she's never had to do.
re: Embarrased about friends behavior.
By imadanseurPremium member
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 06:53 PM
She talks like this to her OWN HUSBAND, the man she loves...so I don't think has this horrible intention.


So how long do you really think it is going to take before she talks to you like this? What you do in one area of your life follows you to multiple places. Would you be friends with her if you were a service worker? I think not.

I am not sure why you can't just say, "Why are you rude to service people? When I am with you this is what I notice, and frankly I don't really like being with you when it happens."

If you are friends you should be able to talk to her like one.
re: Embarrased about friends behavior.
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 07:03 PM
Edited by YumYumDoughnut (99333) on 2014-03-02 19:10:08
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2014-03-03 12:24:16 fixed profanity
If she starts to talk to me that way, I would probably give her a couple of chances before cutting the cord.

If she was a man, it would be a totally different story. If I saw a date of mine being so rude to someone that would be the end of the date and communication for me. I'm not invested in her like a relationship. Friends can get away with more stuff then a significant other.

I guess I always find the good in people which is why it's so hard for me to cut the cord for someone when that is their only major flaw. If she didn't have the rude way of talking to people, we would be best friends by now.

I want to bring it up to her, but I'm not sure if that would be RUDE to do myself. I don't want to be rude or hurt her feelings. I'm just thinking of a graceful and mature way of facing her because I want to tell her " Your parents had way to much money and now you are acting like a spoiled immature brat. Knock it off"

Or, is she so set in her ways that I should just stop investing in the friendship and cut the cord completely? If she didn't have this arrogance about herself and the way she talks to others, we would be soulmates. This huge character flaw is the only thing standing in the way and straining our friendship.

My friend who is kind to others is always at least 20 mins late, that it ruined our relationship. Being late is the number one per peeve for me, so that friendship fell apart. I have another that used to be friends with me, but she gained weight and started to attack me for being too focused on a healthy lifestyle, so that fell apart too. Then I have this perfect girl except she looks down on people.

I just seem to have high standards,which is kind of why I don't want this friendship falling apart like the other two friendships that I had. I kinda regret how those last two went down, so I'm trying to be extra patient and work on this friendship. Friendships at my age don't just happen, they take the effort to nurture and grow. I don't want to make the mistake of losing friends because I have too high of standards.
re: Embarrased about friends behavior.
By Brittanymember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 07:08 PM
Edited by Brittany (36942) on 2014-03-02 19:10:39
If she starts to talk to me that way, I would probably give her a couple of chances before cutting the cord.


But it's fine for her to talk to others that way numerous times?

I'm sorry but I wouldn't tolerate that level of rudeness. There are better people out there that I would want to be associated with. Negativity can spread easily and you don't always realize that it's influencing you.

The next time she acts that I way I would bluntly say that it's really off putting to see someone act so superior and rude to people. If she doesn't get that memo then I wouldn't be able to deal. I want my friends to treat everyone just as nicely as they'd treat me...they can certainly be a reflection on the type of person I am.
re: Embarrased about friends behavior.
By majeremember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 07:15 PM
If you do this, you need to do it subtly, well, just don't confront her. Don't be too direct. Maybe counter her comments with a joke, say "Don't mind her..." and think of something witty to diffuse the situation. If you can think so something that wouldn't offend her. Or try to cut off her comments with a compliment to the server.
re: Embarrased about friends behavior.
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 07:29 PM
Edited by YumYumDoughnut (99333) on 2014-03-02 19:33:56
Edited by YumYumDoughnut (99333) on 2014-03-02 19:41:03
Brittany, no it isn't ok for her to talk to others that way. But they are in full control of refusing service to her or they can chose to not be in a relationship with her ( for example, her husband). My friend who is a waitress had her manager refuse service to a man for being so rude to the waitstaff.

I am in full control over what happens to me, which is why if she talked to me several times like that, I would think long and hard about our friendship.

Plus, she is a grown woman. It isn't my job to try and change her, I am not her mommy. She needs to take responsibility for her own actions.

I don't like what she does, which is why I came to advice from you guys on how I can approach this subject with her. It really bothers me to see her treating others so badly. If she wants, she can do it in her spare time, but I want to come up with a way to ask her to avoid doing it when I'm around.

She says rude things when a big mistake is made. It's like she can't control her anger. At the nail place, the girls were so busy chatting to each other that they cut her big toe and it bled all over. She is diabetic so having a regular Pepsi would make her feel really ill, and she overreacted because of that.

It's like she reacts and says something without even thinking about it. I would complain to the manager, leave a 0% tip, or write a bad yelp review. She on the other hand never stiffs a tip no matter how bad the service is, nor has she complained to a manager about bad service.
She will say something in anger to someone, but she doesn't have the heart to actually hurt them by stiffing finances or complaining to the manager to get them fired.

I asked why she yelled at the waitress instead of leaving a lower tip like I would have done instead of yelling. She said that these people are counting on tips, and even with bad service these people deserve a living wage, so she will hurt them with words, but never actions.

I wouldn't have any problem leaving a smaller tip or talking to the manager about horrible service,but she thinks it is cruel to do these things. Words are just words for her, and I feel that words can hurt just as much as actions.

If a woman cut me because she wasn't paying attention to my feet, I wouldn't pay for the service, nor leave a tip and I would write a bad review on yelp. I've been cut many times, but those times were fine because they were attentive and they just cut too deep. If a girl was busy yakking and looking at her friend while cutting...that would be a different story.

She is very confrontational with words, but wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt someone. She just loses her temper for like 10 seconds, says her piece and then let's it go. She acts like nothing happened and leaves a tip for people. It's like she is so impulsive with her words, but not her actions.

Me ,on the other hand, never loses my cool, but if someone makes a HUGE mistake...I will stew on it the whole night and try to contact the manager for a refund and if that doesn't work, write an honest review about the horrible experience on yelp.

Not sure if that makes any sense.

* I've only left a 0% tip a couple of times because the service was horrible AND the waitstaff messed up big time and then blamed it on me. She tried to convince me to leave at least a 15% tip no matter how horrible the service was.

I have a feeling that she thinks me stiffing a tip is worse then her yelling at service people. Tips aren't mandatory, but I pay at least 25% of tips the huge majority of the time.
Tips aren't mandatory but controlling your anger should be mandatory.
re: Embarrased about friends behavior.
By majeremember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 07:53 PM
She says rude things when a big mistake is made. It's like she can't control her anger. At the nail place, the girls were so busy chatting to each other that they cut her big toe and it bled all over. She is diabetic so having a regular Pepsi would make her feel really ill, and she overreacted because of that.


This makes it a bit different. True, she could have been more tactful. I would have been pissed if that had happened to me under those circumstances.

I'd still go with my suggestion of humor.
re: Embarrased about friends behavior.
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 08:03 PM
Edited by YumYumDoughnut (99333) on 2014-03-02 20:11:59
^ yeah, she isn't just rude to people from the get go. They would do something to tick her off, which gets this reaction from her. As I said before, she really is a kind person but she reacts so horrible and embarrassingly when mistakes are made.
I feel like she knows if she does this to her friends, they would leave so she tried extra hard to control it around us. I've heard her start to say snippets of things to her friends, but she seems to stop mid sentence.

I guess I notice her reaction with service people because we hang out in places where people serve us. I am always super polite to service people because I've had to deal with CRAZY customers in the past and I know how hard it

It's like she talks down in waitstaff, For example, I would say " May I please have some extra ice in my tea, if it wouldn't be too hard"
She would say " Extra ice in my tea"
I make eye contact with waitstaff and she just stares at the menu and doesn't even acknowledge them when they are saying the specials.
She is just so impulsive and she doesn't have a filter. I mean, I was thinking that I didn't pay $80 to hear two people chatting...but she actually just says what I am thinking!I'm always on my toes because I'm not sure what she will say next.

Maybe I am being too judgmental of her myself. I should maybe check myself too in this situation.
re: Embarrased about friends behavior. (karma: 1)
By ballerinatwirler
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 08:14 PM
Have you ever asked why she reacts like that? Maybe she doesn't realize how harsh she is coming across? My fear is that her personality is going to reflect badly on you when you are associating with her in public.

I would have an extremely difficult time being friends with her because I am not assertive enough and I would feel so uncomfortable being around that
re: Embarrased about friends behavior.
By hummingbird
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 09:11 PM
Read what you just said,

My friend who is a waitress had her manager refuse service to a man for being so rude to the waitstaff.


They are not in control, they serve whoever their manager says they have to serve and you are a party to this rudeness by staying with someone whilst they're bing this obnoxious. This is also your choice...
re: Embarrased about friends behavior.
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 09:28 PM
Edited by YumYumDoughnut (99333) on 2014-03-02 21:31:58
Edited by YumYumDoughnut (99333) on 2014-03-02 21:36:42
I guess that came out wrong. My point was, it isn't my job to try and prevent her from doing this. I'm sure she's doing it without me being there.

I am in the camp of trying to accept people for who they are and not jumping to harsh judgments about them. When I was a bit younger I was so judgemental against certain lifestyles and I have been spending the last couple of years working on that.

Do you know how people say a spouce shouldn't leave their other spouce if they get poor, fat, bald or some other trivial reason? They should remember why they fell in love with each other and see the good in each other?

Obviously, I'm not marrying this girl...but I made a lot of mistakes pushing people away in the past. I'm trying to become a better person by overlooking some flaws and seeing the good in people. I used to be hateful, judgemental, and very vindictive and gossipy. I gained some life experience and realized that I was going about my life all wrong.

I am not making excuses for her, but I'm tired of the way that I acted in my early twenties. Now that I am in my mid twenties, I am trying to move past all the negativity. I can't try to fix her, but it can be more compassionate in where she is coming from.
There is a reason why people act up and are bullies. I want to figure out what might be causing this and trying to help her out. Sometimes the meanest people are acting up as a cry for help.
Being a teacher taught me to look past the negativity and try to seek the seed of their misbehavior. I can " punish" her by leaving her in the restaurant but that would be taking my own negativity and anger out in her. That would be immature for me to do.

I hope these don't sound like excuses, but you can get a bit of insight on why I don't want to just walk away from a friendship.

I'm not asking for your advice on whether or not this friendship is wrong. I'm just looking for ways to approach this in a polite and civil manner, some people here said not to be direct and confrontational and others said I should just talk to her. I need to sleep in this and figure out what to do. I can't take words back, so I have to be careful on what I say into the world.
re: Embarrased about friends behavior.
By LoriCook
On Sun Mar 02, 2014 10:02 PM
You don't have to try to change her or control her but you can let her know how her reactions impact you. Let her know that when she snaps at people in public you feel embarrassed and sad for the person. I would avoid going anywhere public with her. You can still ask her over to your house for coffee, go for a walk in the park, visit at her house, go for a drive...other than that you have to interact with people. This would be a deal breaker for me. I can't tolerate someone who is a bully or deliberately mean and feels no remorse about it. Her other good qualities would not be enough for me.
re: Embarrased about friends behavior.
By HollieErin
On Mon Mar 03, 2014 10:44 AM
I would probably start apologizing on her behalf "What my friend meat to say was, this is regular and because of health reason she needs a diet...", then when she asks why I did that I would tell her because she was being rude. Which she downright is.

Does she treat doctors, officers, lawyers like this as well? Or just people who she 'looks down on'?

Personally I would rather go out to eat by myself then deal with this kind of crap, I don't need negativity in my life, no matter how 'reliable' they are.
re: Embarrased about friends behavior.
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member
On Mon Mar 03, 2014 11:38 AM
Edited by YumYumDoughnut (99333) on 2014-03-03 11:40:00
I'm not sure if she treats doctors or lawyers this way. I've only seen her in action with service people. It wouldn't surprise me if she snapped at other professions too. I don't think she does it because she is looking down on them...but more because she was a short fuse and doesn't think before talking. She is pretty impulsive with her words.
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