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Lingerie Shower Thrown by Family? (mainly a vent)
By GoBANANAS Comments: 363, member since Fri Jul 07, 2006
On Sat Jun 28, 2014 11:48 AM

I know it's common to have a lingerie shower sort of deal on the night of the bachelorette party. At bachelorette parties I've been to, the girls have brought the bride a gift, often jokey, like an over-the-top pair of underwear or body paint or something. Sometimes a classy lingerie set. Bringing a lingerie gift makes sense to me in that context because bachelorette parties are usually a goofy, cheesy time and they're for peers and bridesmaids, not the whole family.

But my future mil is hosting the wife-to-be of his first cousin a lingerie shower early in the afternoon on a Saturday and she's invited all the female members of the family. That means conservative 50 and 60 year-old aunts, 82-year-old grandma, etc. will be in attendance, including her own future mother-in-law. (My future mil is pretty conservative, so I doubt this was her idea. I know I've mentioned that she's not the easiest person to deal with all the time, but I think she's just being nice enough to offer her house and she probably wound up taking on the invitations, too, to chip in. Her sister is going to be the mil of the bride.)

When my future mil filled out the invites, she filled the entire left side of the card with specifics about the lingerie this girl wants. First of all, she's requested all Victoria's Secret items. Mil has listed all the styles of underwear and bras by their names (like instead of push-up, she's put Body by Victoria), the colors she wants and her cup size and underwear size. Basically a step away from registering.

I barely know her. I've met her twice, didn't even know her last name till I saw the invite, virtually nothing about her but her first name and where she's from. And now not only am I buying a practical stranger underwear, she's requested expensive items. I know that I can't get away with not going to this party, it just feels really odd to be buying her a $52 bra. I have a decent job and everything, but I don't really splurge on that stuff for myself that often, and now I'm buying a girl I don't know pricey, personal stuff. I might not bite, actually. I could just as easily go to VS or another store and get her a gift card or a bunch of body care stuff and they could all just deal with it.

This third thing is maybe not the biggest deal, but it weirds me out to no end. My future mil put all those intimate details in that paper invite and those invites are going to be on fridges and laying out on counter tops at homes where male family members also live. So now because I got an invite, my fiance and future bil know her cup size. They're our age, so it's a less big deal, but I'm thinking of the husbands of those aunts. The entire family potentially has access to her sizing and the kind of underwear she prefers and that's kind of yuck to me. I would personally NOT want fiance's dad and uncles to know that stuff.

Is this whole concept of the family lingerie shower odd to anyone else? It's going to be ALL family. I consider myself fairly open about sexuality, but the idea of opening sexy underwear in front of my future mil and grand-mil is extremely embarrassing and strange to me.

I am already DREADING this party and the other girls in the family my age are, too. For the love of all that is holy, why can't we have a normal bridal shower with the family and get her stuff that's actually practical?! Or better yet, just a get-together where we all help her celebrate and get her something else she'd like that's not necessarily Pyrex OR a lace thong.

I hate wedding traditions. Always have, always will.

17 Replies to Lingerie Shower Thrown by Family? (mainly a vent)

re: Lingerie Shower Thrown by Family? (mainly a vent)
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Sat Jun 28, 2014 05:10 PM
But you also don't like this guy that much, and you really, REALLY don't like his family, so isn't it possible you've just got a short fuse in regards to stuff his mom does?
re: Lingerie Shower Thrown by Family? (mainly a vent)
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member Comments: 8688, member since Sat Jul 10, 2004
On Sat Jun 28, 2014 05:29 PM
Edited by YumYumDoughnut (99333) on 2014-06-28 17:31:34
I would be ok and comfortable with the men in my family and older conservative people knowing my lingerie style. Especially if it is just like a regular bra/panties and not like fetish kinky stuff. ( candy bras, crotchless panties, sex toys would make me super uncomfortable)
Everyone wears bras, and these men have wives who also wear bras. I think of bras and underwear like a swimsuit. Especially if it is just a detailed list of the style of a bra. Is a guy going to go check VS to see what it looks like? I doubt so.

Although, I do find it a bit weird that it is only family members. For something like this, I would want my girlfriends to be around.
re: Lingerie Shower Thrown by Family? (mainly a vent)
By GoBANANAS Comments: 363, member since Fri Jul 07, 2006
On Sat Jun 28, 2014 05:36 PM
Edited by GoBANANAS (162508) on 2014-06-28 17:43:24 Added
T: That's definitely true, but for a change, this has nothing to do with her. She and her sister (the mil to be) offered to throw this girl a kitchen stuff shower and the girl said no, she had enough kitchen stuff and she wanted a lingerie shower. I think that they don't know how to tell her no, and they're giving her what she wants. I'm far more weirded out by the choice on the girl's part. I just thought it was so strange. I don't know that mil would necessarily want to do this normally. It's not like her.

YYD: I don't know, I consider my bra size pretty personal info for the men in my fiancé's family to know, and actually some of the women. It's not a huge deal, but I would prefer to keep my underwear to myself. It's not about the principle of a guy knowing my size and style, it's boundaries with particular people. Of course there's a chance that they still won't pick up the invite and find out, so it could be a nonissue anyway. As for women, if it were the women I grew up with, sure, for some of this stuff. The in laws? Nooo way.
re: Lingerie Shower Thrown by Family? (mainly a vent)
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6819, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Sat Jun 28, 2014 05:40 PM
I have to agree with you. This is just weird.

If I were you, I'd find one of the special promotions VS often offers, you know the "free beach bag with the purchase of a VS gift card" kind of thing, and wrap it up.

Not because you should but because your MIL will appreciate it and god only knows what kind of nonsense is going on behind the scenes that made her step up for this one. It's actually very nice of you to be so understanding.

I wouldn't spend one extra minute of my time or a tiny piece of emotion on this. Just show up, shut up, smile sweetly and leave early. Oh yeah... and report all the details back here as I'm sure they will be entertaining.

You can't buy class. If you could, I'd suggest a big box for this group but regardless, you can be the classy one. Gift card.


Good luck

Keep On Dancing*
re: Lingerie Shower Thrown by Family? (mainly a vent)
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member Comments: 8688, member since Sat Jul 10, 2004
On Sat Jun 28, 2014 05:53 PM
Edited by YumYumDoughnut (99333) on 2014-06-28 17:54:27
Got it, I guess we all have our own limitations with what we feel comfortable in. Girls model lingerie, and along with the whole world, I am sure their family sees them in lingerie. Some people are obviously comfortable with it haha. My grandma bought me a VS giftcard and I felt totally comfortable....so maybe the giftcard would be the place to go.

If the girl requested this and she is comfortable with this, that's all that matters. I personally wouldn't want one and I would much rather have a kitchen party!

Would you be able to buy a lingerie bag and full it with things to take care of lingerie? Special soaps, maybe some sprays etc. That way, it keeps with the theme, but you aren't spending so much money. Maybe instead of lingerie, you can get her a super cute bikini?
re: Lingerie Shower Thrown by Family? (mainly a vent)
By GoBANANAS Comments: 363, member since Fri Jul 07, 2006
On Sat Jun 28, 2014 06:00 PM
My mil actually called today after my initial post and offered me money toward the gift, which was nice of her. I don't want or need to take her up on it, but it sounds like she maybe at least knows that this is a bit of a racket. I think she and her sister are also buying a present for the girl that is supposed to be from their mother (grandma). It's not that she's a bad person. She's difficult and has some habits that don't mesh with me and my personality or preferences very well, (she can be demanding, she changes plans at the last minute) but she's a kind person when it comes to a lot of things.
re: Lingerie Shower Thrown by Family? (mainly a vent)
By GoBANANAS Comments: 363, member since Fri Jul 07, 2006
On Sat Jun 28, 2014 06:08 PM
Edited by GoBANANAS (162508) on 2014-06-28 18:10:19 On mah phone...so many typos
YumYumDoughnut wrote:

Got it, I guess we all have our own limitations with what we feel comfortable in. Girls model lingerie, and along with the whole world, I am sure their family sees them in lingerie. Some people are obviously comfortable with it haha. My grandma bought me a VS giftcard and I felt totally comfortable....so maybe the giftcard would be the place to go.

If the girl requested this and she is comfortable with this, that's all that matters. I personally wouldn't want one and I would much rather have a kitchen party!

Would you be able to buy a lingerie bag and full it with things to take care of lingerie? Special soaps, maybe some sprays etc. That way, it keeps with the theme, but you aren't spending so much money. Maybe instead of lingerie, you can get her a super cute bikini?


I know right?! Kitchen stuff would be way more useful and fun to receive than a bunch of lingerie. I want to pick out my own lingerie.

If my own grandma got me a VS gift card, it would be a little different. It's the "wink wink" factor in in the in law context that is just odd to me. Like my future mil personally picking me out some sexy lingerie is just inappropriate and weird because for one, she chose it and for another, by giving it to me it's like she's saying, "now go show my son a good time" ;) I'm just thinking why on earth would anyone want to wear lingerie their mil picked out to bed? Talk about the opposite of sexy lol.
re: Lingerie Shower Thrown by Family? (mainly a vent)
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member Comments: 8688, member since Sat Jul 10, 2004
On Sat Jun 28, 2014 06:14 PM



Just get her a onsie hahah!
re: Lingerie Shower Thrown by Family? (mainly a vent)
By GoBANANAS Comments: 363, member since Fri Jul 07, 2006
On Sat Jun 28, 2014 06:27 PM
That's a fantastic idea!
re: Lingerie Shower Thrown by Family? (mainly a vent)
By slice Comments: 1247, member since Fri Oct 15, 2004
On Sat Jun 28, 2014 07:01 PM
Edited by slice (109495) on 2014-06-28 19:02:36 grammar
I'm still a little young for the whole train of weddings part of life so I haven't been to many weddings and I've never been in a bridal party, but I've got to admit that sounds strange. The whole thing strikes me as incredibly rude as well. A jokesy fun lingerie party is one thing, but this person - unless it's all the MIL's doing - is expecting all of you to furnish her entire underwear drawer. The specificity of VS with the actual trademarked names, wow, tacky much...

I love VS and they make the best bras that I've found for someone of my proportions (small rib size, large cup size), but I really only shop there during the semi-annual sale (which might still be going on actually, if so you should hop to it!).

Their body stuff and makeup are really great. I would get her some cute stuff, wrap it up, and call it a day. If even 5 people buy bras this chick is already getting at least $200 worth of bras, so I don't think perfume, lipgloss, and body scrub is going to ruin anything.

YYD, a onesie! Haha, that would hi-larious.
re: Lingerie Shower Thrown by Family? (mainly a vent)
By d4jmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 12490, member since Fri Aug 27, 2004
On Sat Jun 28, 2014 07:23 PM
I had a lingerie shower when I got married and my grandmother was in attendance. I loved having her there, she was hilarious with her comments about marriage and sex and the younger women relaxed once they saw that she was on board with the whole concept. What made the whole thing work was that everyone brought what was comfortable for them. So I received all kinds of lingerie including high-necked flannel nightgowns, silk peignoirs, merry widows, edible undies, etc. That made it fun and interesting and made it work more easily with the conservative folks who were there like my aunt. When I got something 'saucy', I would quickly lift up and laugh and put it back down again. I did that a couple of times only to have my Nanny grab the item and lift it high up and would say something totally surprising and naughty and oh she made everyone laugh. Good memories... :) Anyway, the whole thing may be more fun than you think, especially if there are cocktails involved, hahaha, that might get certain people to relax... :D
re: Lingerie Shower Thrown by Family? (mainly a vent)
By GoBANANAS Comments: 363, member since Fri Jul 07, 2006
On Sat Jun 28, 2014 09:34 PM
^That sounds like a nice time! I hope that's what happens, but these women are all in laws that barely know her. :/ None of her family or friends will be there. Cocktails are definitely a necessity.
re: Lingerie Shower Thrown by Family? (mainly a vent)
By GoBANANAS Comments: 363, member since Fri Jul 07, 2006
On Tue Jul 01, 2014 12:48 PM
Edited by GoBANANAS (162508) on 2014-07-01 12:56:53 Detail
Sorry to bump this. I need advice now about how to handle the money situation. Everything to do with this family has to be an unnecessary circus, I swear.

So mil went behind my back and gave my fiancé $40 for me to use on this girl's present. She told him to pretend that HE was giving me money for the present, which is hilarious because he's never given me money like that and hardly ever has cash on him in the first place. He told me the truth because he knew he wouldn't be able to pull it off. She had been trying to keep the offer of money a secret from me the whole time, but I had known about it because I was right there when she called fiancé initially about it.

I know she's trying to help, but seriously?!? It's not worth lying over. Should I just shut up and use the money or should I use my own? I doubt she would actually take it back, I would have to leave it in an envelope on her counter when she wasn't looking or something.

She's also not as opposed to this party as I thought. I still don't understand how getting married entitles you to a drawer of $50 bras, but oh well.
re: Lingerie Shower Thrown by Family? (mainly a vent)
By webstArmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 3639, member since Wed Jan 15, 2003
On Tue Jul 01, 2014 02:57 PM
^I'll be honest, my boyfriend's parents have done the same for me. Just recently they changed the oil in my car, and asked my boyfriend to tell me that he paid them for the oil so that I wouldn't feel bad. They know my financial situation, and they also know that being independent is very important to me. Even so, I think the gesture is so kind. And really, I'm a broke student! Sometimes I need to admit that I need help!

With your mil, it sounds like she understands that you're pretty much obligated to show up for this thing, but are concerned about the finances. I think it's a sweet gesture given the circumstances. Don't let it get to you.

As for the whole situation, I agree. A lingerie party seems silly to me and I would NEVER have one. I don't even know if I want a bridal shower for myself when I get married. BUT, I understand that other people enjoy those types of events for their own wedding. Who am I to judge? If you disagree this vehemently about the situation, don't go. But be prepared for the backlash. Otherwise, put your big girl panties on and smile the day of. Who knows, you might actually have a good time.
re: Lingerie Shower Thrown by Family? (mainly a vent)
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member Comments: 8688, member since Sat Jul 10, 2004
On Tue Jul 01, 2014 03:26 PM
Edited by YumYumDoughnut (99333) on 2014-07-01 15:28:40
I think it is sweet that she gave you money. She probably knew you wouldn't accept it from her, and she knew you were against the idea. That way, you won't need to be going out of pocket for something you aren't agreeing with.

I would just be thankful that your MIL offered to give you money, that is going way up and beyond what she needs to do. I think if you gave it back, it would be really rude. Just say something like " I found out that you were the one to give money, and thank you so much for that, that was very kind of you".

Weddings don't entitle anyone to anything, but I think bridal showers, bachelor parties and the whole lot could be a lot of fun. Just go for a day, and at least you aren't even spending money on her.
re: Lingerie Shower Thrown by Family? (mainly a vent)
By GoBANANAS Comments: 363, member since Fri Jul 07, 2006
On Tue Jul 01, 2014 03:52 PM
Edited by GoBANANAS (162508) on 2014-07-01 15:59:29 More
I just hate that a nice gesture turned into "no, you ARE taking this money from me," you know? There's really no need to be sneaky about it either :/. It didn't cross my mind to be offended about it, I just wasn't going to accept it because I don't need to.

I'm going to suck it up and go, but I need to vent about how ridiculous I find it all. I know I probably sound like a prude and I'm being pretty judgy. I just do SO many things I don't want to do all the time and sometimes I feel like I'm the only one out of these people who has any sense of boundaries or any concept of what tacky is. It goes beyond adult stuff no one likes doing like paying bills. I have my free time dictated and spoken for by his family on a regular basis. I found this shower to be the icing on top of a very tall cake. And yes, through it all I do love my future husband. He annoys me to no end sometimes but I love him.
re: Lingerie Shower Thrown by Family? (mainly a vent)
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member Comments: 8688, member since Sat Jul 10, 2004
On Tue Jul 01, 2014 10:02 PM
Well, she probably knew you weren't going to accept it...which is why she had to be sneaky about it. I think it would have even been more off putting , if she said " I am going to give you the money" and made a huge deal with how nice she was. I think people who do other people favors, and showing off about it...is kind of weird. I do stuff for people behind their backs too, and I offered money to a friend...and told them to say it was from them, I didn't want people know it was my money.

She already feels bad about making you spend your own money for this party, I would just be grateful.

Obviously you don't really like your in laws, and for good reason. But don't paint this nice gesture as something negative because of your dealings with them. Everything they do is going to annoy you, but as someone on the outside, I think it was a nice gesture.

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