Forum: Arts / Diaries

Today I walked away from a Cheeseburger.
By Spiorad
On Fri Oct 17, 2014 01:00 PM

Be prepared for drabbles, rants and random musings!

So I am trying to "get healthy". And step one is actually being honest. So, I think my long term goal is to eventually "get healthy" but for now I just want to lose weight.

Almost 2 years ago I herniated 2 disks in my lower back. I had just lost about 15-20lbs and was actually feeling happy about my body. And then I got hurt. And I gained back all the weight I lost, plus 15 more pounds. I basically found out how GOOD food could actually be by eating whatever the heck I wanted because it was the only thing that made me feel better.

I am 5'3(ish) and so that amount of weight is SO FRICKEN apparent. I am a cosplayer and I just hate the way I look in my outfits. I hate that none of my clothes fit me. I hate that I just can't seem to lose weight now.

Before when I lost the weight I was swimming 3 times a week, eating 5-6 times a day, tinny little meals, riding my bike everywhere and teaching and dancing 3-4 hours a day. I couldn't keep that up when school started and so now I don't know what to do.

I started seeing a trainer to help me get back in shape. 2 times a week and its a good work out. But I have MAYBE lost ONE fricken pound in 5 weeks.

I don't want to go back to the way I was when I was losing weight. By the end I was FRICKEN MISERABLE. EVERYTHING EVERYDAY was consumed by food. I could never stop thinking about it and I became so crabby and hungry all the time.

I don't want that again. And I worry that even if I do lose weight, I wont be happy. Because last time, sure, I was getting happier with how my body looked, but I was always hungry and always angry and always thinking about food. And now, I don't even eat completely unhealthily, but its not healthy either. So do I stay the way I am now, eat things that I like and stuff but be completely unhappy with the way my body looks, or do I work to lose weight, but be constantly crabby because of the crappy tasting healthy food?

Because that is my real issue. I don't eat because I'm hungry, I eat because stuff tastes so darn good and then I overeat! I am getting better at portion sizes, but if I don't like the way something tastes I end up not eating it. And healthy food doesn't taste good.

So I got the idea for the title of this diary because all week I have been miserable with my changed diet. I think I'm going through sugar and salt withdrawals. And boy have I been crabby.

So basically I started to realize that several times each day I have turned down unhealthy things. So I wanted to remind myself that I haven't COMPLETELY failed. But I kind of did fail because I gave in to junk food right after I went out again. So.... its a process.
These are just the junk food things that I have turned down, I have overhauled my diet and am eating a lot of healthy stuff that I absolutely hate.

So today I turned down:
*A breakfast burrito (packed with bacon, eggs, cheese, chili, potatoes)
*Mixed popcorn (caramel and cheese)
*Halloween Gushers
*Chocolate Bars

Today I failed because:
*I scarfed a bag of Doritos chips
*I bought gummy packs and ate way to many
*I gave into the cheeseburger I originally walked away from.

I wish that I had been doing this all week because I would be able to see how much I actually have turned down in terms of unhealthy food. This is the first time I gave into my cravings and I totally felt completely awful. If I had been keeping this diary since I started, I would see that I have succeeded more than failed.

I am keeping a food/fitness journal on My Fitness Pal, but it doesn't show me the stuff I have been strong enough to turn down.

I'm hitting my protein goals, been going a little over (marginally) on my sugar (I think it's all the fruits I'm putting into my protein shake), and everything else is looking good. But I am not losing weight!

And I know its because I need to get more cardio in. I'm not working out as much as I should be. But I HATE the gym. I should be dancing. But I can't afford it. And as awful as it sounds, I don't want a technique class. I need a class that is just choreography and dancing pieces over and over. Not zumba. I can't stand it.

My other biggest issue is needing self control! I wish that I could get a bag of chips and just eat one serving. Or buy a box of gushers or gummy packs and only eat one. But I can't. I will end up eating the whole box in a day or two.

Ugh. So this was all over the place. Lets hope it gets better. I just don't know.

8 Replies to Today I walked away from a Cheeseburger.

re: Today I walked away from a Cheeseburger.
By Spiorad
On Sat Dec 06, 2014 08:08 AM
so in all honesty I forgot about this thread. But now I'm back. Blah.

So as of last Sunday I have gained 6lbs since I first posted this. Talk about hating yourself.

So last sunday I prepared all my healthy, crappy tasting, disgusting meals and I've been eating them all week. I did eat out twice but I kept it to healthy meals. Mostly sandwiches without a lot of junk added. Except once when a friend let me try her potato soup and it was DELICIOUS. I want more in my life! lol

But I have turned down:
Tons of candy and snacks
Super greasy burgers and pizza

I need to work on:
Drinking more water. Usually isn't a problem because that's all I drink, but now that it's cold its harder to remember.
Finding healthy food that doesn't taste like cardboard.
re: Today I walked away from a Cheeseburger.
By imadanseurPremium member
On Sat Dec 06, 2014 11:31 AM
PM me...and maybe I can help. I work with a registered dietician at my new job and we have some good recipes, tips on eating out, eating on a budget, and I can throw in some exercise advice.

I like the idea of writing down the things you didn't eat. Instead of making the list of "failed" items. Maybe making it about things I chose to eat, things I chose not to eat. Then there is less good/bad associated with eating.

I know your struggle and I am there myself. Between all my jobs I am working about 50 hours a week. I don't have a consistent time to work out. I'm not making excuses...and its not like I couldn't find any time in my day. I'm just choosing other things as priorities. I know I can lose weight and do it, if it was my #1 priority, and right now it isn't. Eventually it will be. (I hope.)
re: Today I walked away from a Cheeseburger.
By Spiorad
On Sun Dec 07, 2014 08:29 AM
^Thank you ,I definitely will. Its so hard for me because I am a person who truly ENJOYS eating. I love the tastes and textures and its not that I CANT do the "healthy" thing. It's that I chose not to because I don't LIKE it. I end up getting really bitchy, this isn't an understatement, I get grumpy after a while because I am constantly hungry. But it doesn't happen at first.

2 summers ago when I lost a lot of weight it was because I had a HUGE competition and the costumes they chose for us were HORRIBLE. I mean absolutely AWFUL. The first 2 months were fine. But by the 3rd month I was cranky, hungry, miserable in general. So as soon as the competition was over, I started binging like crazy, stopped working out and gained all the weight I had lost back. Then I got injured and gained 15lbs on top of it.

Like you I KNOW I can lose weight. For me though, its not even working out that is the biggest problem, it is completely my diet.

On to this weeks weigh in:
I lost 4lbs this week since last Sunday morning when I weighed in. It sounds like a lot but this always happens to me when I first get on a diet/health kick. The first 2ish weeks I'll lose 3-5 lbs and then it evens out to 1-2lbs a week.

the biggest thing I turned down this week:
Candy. I am a candy FANATIC. I LOVE it. Chocolate, gummies, gushers you name it. I was eating a pack of sour patch watermelons, almost a day, so to not be eating any candy all week was a big step.

I craved it a little, but any time I've been craving something I have been drinking water and eating some type of fruit and that usually takes care of it.

I almost did an impulse buy at walgreens of some Garadelli chocolate, but I put it back, so that was a win.

I need to work over my salads. Its not that I dislike salad but the ones that I made for this week just... no. They had things I like, mushrooms, spinach, broccoli, a little bit of feta and one thing I'm not the BIGGEST fan of, carrots. Well, now its a new Sunday and I can try something new.

The most amazing thing is that since I did well all week, and it is FINALLY Sunday, it is officially time for my cheat meal. I don't know what it's going to be yet but I'm sooooo happy!
re: Today I walked away from a Cheeseburger.
By YumYumDoughnutPremium member
On Sun Dec 07, 2014 09:40 AM
I can help you come up with tasty recipies that are " healthy", so it doesn't feel like you are on a diet.

Is there specific foods you are trying to avoid? Like meat, or white bread, or sugar?
Since I am avoiding the majority of grains, I just have a cheeseburger without the bun.

Have you tried to add cooked things unto your salad? A plate full of raw vegetables are kind of BLAH for me. I usually cook up some bell peppers,mushrooms, and a little bit of chicken. I usually put it on a plateful
of spinach. When 50% of the things on a salad aren't cold and raw! it doesn't feel so much like a " blah food" if that makes sense.

Here is what really worked to help get my weight down, and help me get all my nutrients in. I always had a pot of vegetable soup shimmering. I added a bunch of garlic and herbs so it wasn't so boring. I would have a cup or two before dinner, and since the soup took up space in my stomach....I would have normal dinner, but not eat so much of the unhealthy stuff.

I would maybe try to cut back on fruit a bit, depending on how much you are eating. Fruits have natural sugar, but it is still sugar for your body.

Congratulations for turning down foods too. I also love cooking and baking and eating food I'm general, but once I stopped " dieting" and started to cook healthy and good tasting food....I wasn't as crabby.
re: Today I walked away from a Cheeseburger.
By Spiorad
On Mon Dec 08, 2014 08:33 AM
^Thank you! I would really appreciate any suggestions on healthy recipes that aren't so blah.

I have a feeling this week is going to be hard. Yesterday was supposed to be my cheat day and I was going to get wing stop, but I was on campus studying so long that by the time I got out it was closed. So now I'm going to be craving it all week.

And I didn't really sleep last night because I just started my period and all last night I had cramps and back pain so bad I had to keep getting up, even though I was curled up with a heating pad.

I know that I need to be more positive in order for this to work, but I'm feeling so crummy right now and I just want my wing stop. :/

I am still seeing my trainer but this week we wont be able to because of finals and the fact that I have 2 photoshoots. And it just sucks to be having photoshoots when I feel so disgusting in my own skin.
re: Today I walked away from a Cheeseburger.
By Spiorad
On Mon Dec 08, 2014 09:01 AM
And I just realized that I completely didn't answer your question YumYum!

the biggest thing I am doing is watching my portions. I have the BIGGEST problem with portion control. If something tastes good I want to eat it all. Which hasn't been a problem lately as all this healthy food is so blah.

I am also looking to cut back on sugars. I eat either a banana, apple or clementine with either lunch or dinner, so I'm not eating a ton of fruit. I also need to cut back on simple carbs, starches and fats.
re: Today I walked away from a Cheeseburger.
By Spiorad
On Wed Dec 10, 2014 06:54 PM
ended up going to Village Inn last night at about midnight because I had been gameing with a friend and then we just ended up there. So yeah. Yummy unhealthy food.

I had a boudoir photoshoot today. I hate my body. I hate that I take comfort in eating and thus I hate myself even more.

On my way home I was so fricken hungry so I managed not to get:

Wing Stop
Burger King

I'm sure I pass more places on my way home that I could have eaten at but these are the ones that I remember.
re: Today I walked away from a Cheeseburger.
By Spiorad
On Wed Dec 10, 2014 09:06 PM
I was so exhausted I fell asleep in my car. In the driveway. No I'm not kidding. After being asleep for a bit I felt way less hungry and much less crabby.

I know that I have to exercise more, but I really do believe that the major issue with me, is my diet. So I started researching meal plans and all this stuff, trying to find a layout that I can follow. I'm good with following a set of directions. If I can say, "OK! This is what I'm going to eat this week!" and have a shopping list done up and all that. I can stick to it. But when I'm sitting around just trying to figure things out, I'm like "I'm getting wing stop."


My BIGGEST issues are:
1) I eat because it makes me feel good
2) I eat because food tastes good (a lot of times I'm not even hungry any more)

And if food tastes like cardboard, or just plain disgusting, I wont eat it and then I just stop eating because I eventually reach a point where I can't force myself anymore. Then I'm not taking in enough calories and I'm making things worse for myself.

Unfortunately there are so many healthy foods that I wont eat. I'm trying. I really am.

Some of the healthy foods I wont touch:
Yogurt - It makes me gag and throw up. No I am not kidding.
Fish - Disgusting. Can't handle it.
Bran- Seriously, do I even need to say why? It is fricken BRAN.

Healthy foods I like:
Fresh Spinach
Most fruit
Bell peppers
onions (white, red, green)

I also prefer warm meals. Cold meals don't leave me feeling as satisfied.

How bad is potato soup? I just discovered it I WANT IT IN MY LIFE. Which probably means it's actually horrible for me. :(


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