Forum: Adults / 20 Something

20 Something
Dating/talking to more than one person at a time.
By Spiorad Comments: 2156, member since Sat Jul 22, 2006
On Sat Nov 01, 2014 06:59 PM

I have never been in this situation before. Ever. Before this past week I had been on a grand total of 2 dates in my entire life.

Long story short, over the past few weeks I have meet several great guys. Exchanged numbers and started talking to them.

None of us are "official" or "Exclusive". But I have gone out on 2 dates with one, 1 date with another and 2 other guys asked me out for this week.

This is in-fricken-sane. I have NEVER had really any male attention in my life so I really don't know how to handle this.

The thing is that none of us were friends before. One I met at a mutual friends wedding, 2 others I met at comic con this past weekend, and one I met on campus. So we don't really know anything about one another and are just figuring out if we even like each other for more than a physical attraction.

But I feel like I'm doing something wrong. As though I am being dishonest by speaking/dating to more than one guy at a time. Should I pick one right now and stop taking to the others, or do I wait until I know more about each one?

13 Replies to Dating/talking to more than one person at a time.

re: Dating/talking to more than one person at a time.
By majeremember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 5889, member since Sat Sep 29, 2007
On Sat Nov 01, 2014 09:00 PM
I'd keep seeing them until I knew them better. I don't see anything wrong with that at this point. If you pick one now, you might choose wrong and you don't have much to go off of.
re: Dating/talking to more than one person at a time.
By Moonlitefairy06member has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 7177, member since Fri Apr 16, 2004
On Sat Nov 01, 2014 11:05 PM
I would probably feel the way you do too, but it's one of the problems I think our generation has. We expect total exclusivity right away. I'm not sure when or why this started, though I suspect the broader knowledge of STDs and that we grew up with the existence of HIV/AIDS being a part of this phenomena even for non-sexual relationships. I remember being outraged when I was in middle/high school and my dad told me he would date multiple girls at a time. But I think it works out better that way because you get the opportunity to meet more people in a shorter amount of time and get to figure out what you want. I'm like you that I haven't had many dates. The longest I ever dated anyone was 10 years ago when I was 16. I guess you need to figure out what your boundaries are and what you feel comfortable and uncomfortable. Would you be offended if you found out one of the people you are talking to now was talking to three girls as well? If so, then maybe it's time to rethink the situation. But as a whole there isn't anything wrong with what you are doing.
re: Dating/talking to more than one person at a time.
By Spiorad Comments: 2156, member since Sat Jul 22, 2006
On Sun Nov 02, 2014 11:22 AM
Thanks for responding so quickly!

As for the "how would you feel if you found out they were dating/talking to other girls"? Thing, I took a bit to think about it an honestly, at this point, I would be fine with it. Mainly because I don't know any of them well enough to say whether I want more from them. But for some reason I still feel bad. ya know?

I know that I am constantly worried about STD's. I'm not even sexually active (waiting until marriage, and all that), but one of my biggest nightmares would be falling for someone with an STD. Not because I think anything bad about them as people, but because its like, here I am having waited and the person I want to experience this with has something that I will live in constant fear of catching. Yeah, I know condoms and all that, but they aren't 100% effective. Anyway, this is a conversation for another thread lol

I will say this, I feel like one of the guys, just isn't right for me. He is SO nice. I mean a completely respectable, nice guy. But he's like wonder bread. I don't feel any spark or real connection with him. I've gone on two dates with him but he texts and calls me almost everyday.

It is just so strange to be in this situation. I am so out of my league.
re: Dating/talking to more than one person at a time.
By Spiorad Comments: 2156, member since Sat Jul 22, 2006
On Fri Nov 07, 2014 09:11 PM
So here is a new question. I don't know if this deserves its own thread but I'll see if I get a response here. It just doesn't seem like there is much traffic on this board.

Ok, so one of the guys, lets call him Z, asked me out at comic con for Halloween. I wasn't sure if it was an actual date, or a "I need someone to dress up with on Halloween" date. But I went with it. He's handsome, I was instantly attracted to him and we hung out all weekend and he seemed nice.

But he is in training at the police academy and only gets his phone for a certain amount of time each night. So the week leading up to halloween he would text me when he could and we made all the arrangements for costumes and such. We also would talk about random things but he was usually very tired and we couldn't really talk that long anyway.

On Halloween he came over, I did his makeup (he was joker, I was Harley) we had an amazing time getting ready, going out dancing and stuff and he admitted that he wasn't sure if I wanted this to be a date, date, not just a halloween date, but he did. I told him I did to, happiness all around. He mentioned several times wanting a second date, and at the end of the night he took my face in his hands and asked straight up "So will I get a second date?" I said yes, he smiled and kissed my forehead.

We ended up staying out till 6am the next morning. Came back exhausted, hung out Sat. night as well.

throughout this past week he texted me whenever he got his phone. Even if it was just to say goodnight.

So I know that I am new to all this, but all these signs point to "he likes me", yes?

But here's the thing. THE BOY CANNOT HOLD A DANG CONVERSATION! He'll text me, but the conversation never goes anywhere.

Sample:
Him: Hey darlin :)
Me: Hi!
Him: How are you?
Me: pretty well, just got out of class. How are you?
Him: Spent the whole day in prison lol
Me: Of course you did! lol tell me about it?
Him: It sucks haha

.... ok.... and this happens all the time. He'll send things that end up making it hard for the conversation to continue. Sometimes he'll just answer with "I'm fine" and leave it at that. I end up feeling like I'm making all the effort. Today after one of these moments I just sent a smiley and left it at that and he did end up texting back. But it feel back into this hole again.

I picked up right away that he is a kind of quite guy, even a bit shy, but I don't know what to do with this because it is a bit frustrating to be trying to get to know someone and feel like they are giving you the green light, and then suddenly its like... the car isn't going anywhere.

My friend suggested it was that he didn't want to start a conversation knowing he didn't have much time, which is fine, but the beauty of texting is you can reply when you can.

Sooo... yeah. I don't know what to do in this case. Suggestions?
re: Dating/talking to more than one person at a time.
By majeremember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 5889, member since Sat Sep 29, 2007
On Fri Nov 07, 2014 09:24 PM
I do that too. I'm not really into text conversations (irony here, being on a message board). Text messages are hard because they aren't meant for long meaningful conversations. If you call him or skype him, etc. do you get a real conversation out of him?
re: Dating/talking to more than one person at a time.
By Spiorad Comments: 2156, member since Sat Jul 22, 2006
On Fri Nov 07, 2014 10:16 PM
^ I'm actually the same way lol. I'm the type of person that will send a text if I have something to say. I don't really do the "Hi" and that's it type of text messages.

We don't call or skype. As for calling we just haven't, and skypeing, I don't know if they have access to that. But its also really hard because both of us have really odd hours.

Halloween was just last weekend so it hasn't been even a week since we went out the first time. Actually it's exactly a week today, I think.
re: Dating/talking to more than one person at a time.
By majeremember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 5889, member since Sat Sep 29, 2007
On Fri Nov 07, 2014 10:22 PM
Edited by majere (186163) on 2014-11-07 22:24:03
Spiorad wrote:

^ I'm actually the same way lol. I'm the type of person that will send a text if I have something to say. I don't really do the "Hi" and that's it type of text messages.

We don't call or skype. As for calling we just haven't, and skypeing, I don't know if they have access to that. But its also really hard because both of us have really odd hours.

Halloween was just last weekend so it hasn't been even a week since we went out the first time. Actually it's exactly a week today, I think.


Well, you might want to try calling him or ask if he wants to talk on the phone. It might go well or there might be a awkward silences all around. You might get a better idea of why he stops conversations short if you see how he handles a phone conversation. Sometimes it is scary, because you don't get a time buffer to think about what you are going to say, but I think you get a better sense of a person on the phone.

EDIT: it could just be he doesn't have enough time to have a nice conversation or even enough alone time to talk.
re: Dating/talking to more than one person at a time.
By Spiorad Comments: 2156, member since Sat Jul 22, 2006
On Sat Nov 08, 2014 06:32 AM
^ I'll ask. But at least while he is at the police academy I know that he doesn't really have much private/free time. I think that he shares a room with another guy.

When we have hung out, I have just gotten the sense that he is a really mellow guy, which is totally fine. I just don't know how to respond to his texts that seem to shut down all conversation.

Comic Con was 1.5 hours from where I live, and almost 2 hrs from where he lives. Its in the next town over. Because I was working I got to stay at the hotel, but he had to go back home each night. On Sunday, he was going to come back to the con to see one of his favorite actors, but I knew they were going to be leaving less than an hour after he would get there. So I texted him and told him, just in case he didn't want to drive 2 hours and not have any time with them.

Well he came anyway. Got his autograph and than came to hang out with me. When I mentioned that I was sorry he didn't have much time with Manu, he said "I saw Manu yesterday, it was cool to get another autograph from him, but he's not why I came back. I came to see you."

My inner girly girl squealed.

So I feel like on the one hand I'm getting all these "yup" "go"! Signals from him, but than... nada.

I will say that every time we have hung out he's also not all that great at holding a conversation. But it doesn't seem like an awkward silence if that makes sense.
re: Dating/talking to more than one person at a time.
By imadanseurPremium member Comments: 16604, member since Thu Dec 04, 2003
On Sat Nov 08, 2014 10:40 AM
You like him, he likes you...but it might not be a match. Holding a conversation is kind of important, and you are a pretty intelligent creature, so this will be a problem eventually. HOWEVER, use this as dating practice. Have fun, have fun, have fun with all this attention. It will eventually lead you to the right guy.
re: Dating/talking to more than one person at a time.
By Spiorad Comments: 2156, member since Sat Jul 22, 2006
On Mon Nov 10, 2014 09:58 AM
^ And see thats the hard part. Because when we spent time together in person, it was fine. The conversation flowed and when we were quite it didn't feel awkward or forced or anything.

I spoke with one of my close friends who is also shy and stuff, and she gave another perspective. She said that a lot of times she just wants to talk with the person she is interested in, but doesn't know what to say or how to keep up the conversation. She knows that the conversation will die because she doesn't know how to keep it up, but that just getting to talk to the person for a bit makes her happy.

I don't know if that's what he's doing. But I just asked her what I was supposed to do, and she said to just keep up the conversation. I told her that that ends up putting so much work on my side and I feel like I'm forcing things. Its like that whole "he's just not that into you" thing. But not. Because in this case he IS making an effort to contact me, its just that the conversation dies very quickly.

The other thing that has me kind of confused is that he was so set on a second date. Yet he has not asked me out. I don't know if it's to forward to ask him, this is all new territory for me.
re: Dating/talking to more than one person at a time.
By Kettricken Comments: 174, member since Thu Jun 07, 2012
On Mon Nov 10, 2014 10:54 AM
To me, this all sounds very promising. I think it is just a combination of him being really busy with the police academy, and sucking at written forms of communication. Some people, especially guys it seems, are like that. Written conversations are harder, since you lose tone and such. It also doesn't help that you two don't know each other super great yet.

I would keep trying with this relationship. There are some blocks in the road with his schedule, but he does seem genuinely interested to me.
re: Dating/talking to more than one person at a time.
By Spiorad Comments: 2156, member since Sat Jul 22, 2006
On Wed Nov 12, 2014 01:06 PM
Yeah, I'll see where this goes. I'm going to see if he wants to do something this weekend.
re: Dating/talking to more than one person at a time.
By Spiorad Comments: 2156, member since Sat Jul 22, 2006
On Wed Nov 12, 2014 09:07 PM
So just an update. So I didn't hear from him after texting him goodnight yesterday night. I didn't think much of it and today I was messing around with snapchat and sent out a snapchat and he responded so we got to talking and he tells me that they got maced today. Yikes. I know its part of their training but it still sucks.

I think this may just be the wrong time for us to try anything. I feel for him. But I also don't want to be waiting on the sidelines for something that is so uncertain. Maybe when he gets out of the academy it would be a better time.

I was going to just ask him if he wanted to one of the places we went to on halloween, but I just didn't think it was the right time. So we'll see.

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