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20 Something
Surviving the torture of a long-distance relationship...
By punkgirl59 Comments: 4805, member since Wed Feb 13, 2002
On Sun Jun 07, 2015 07:10 PM

Hey DDN! I have been very MIA the past several months but I'm back and really need some advice!

But first, update on my life:

* I am finishing up my second year of a 5 year PhD program and I love it but it is also kicking. my. butt. So busy but doing what I love!

* My baby Reagan just turned 5 (holy crap!!!) and she is seriously the best, sweetest, most brilliant little girl. Plus she's so, so beautiful. I don't know how I got so lucky!


Problem at hand: Last year I cut ties completely with a very toxic, on-and-off, 10 year relationship. At the beginning of this year, I started dating a guy that I had been (very casual) friends with for the past year, and we really hit it off. He treats me so well, is amazing with Reagan, and she loves him. It's a very healthy and mature adult relationship.

After a few months of dating, he decided to accept an offer for a graduate program in another state that is a 12 hour drive/2 hour flight from where I live. I supported this completely because it is a great school with affordable tuition and is also closer to his family. Since we had only been dating for a few months we kind of had to decide whether we wanted to pursue this relationship long-distance, and had lots of talks about how serious we were about a future together and if we were willing to wait. Since we are both in graduate programs, neither of us will be able to move for at least 1 year (best case scenario) to 2 years. We decided to go for it.

We moved very quickly, said I love you pretty early on, and we've talked about me moving to be with him and the possibility of getting married in the next 1-2 years. I'm not typically one to rush into things, but I feel good about this.

Now, we've been dating for about 6 months and long distance for half that time. And I'm not gonna lie, it's rough. I thought it would be ok since I am so insanely busy and have a lot going on, and I tend to be perfectly happy being single, independent, and doing my own thing.

Luckily, we have been able to see each other pretty often, we've taken turns visiting each other, usually a couple times a month for a few days. I know this will be less frequent after summer.

What can we do to make this easier? Neither of us have done this before and it's just weird to not be able to call him up on the weekend to hang out or to come hug me after a long, crappy day of grad-schooling. Most days are fine, but some really suck. This week has majorly sucked, mostly due to outside stressors, and we've argued quite a bit over stupid, petty crap.

So, to those of you who have been through this, advice?

4 Replies to Surviving the torture of a long-distance relationship...

re: Surviving the torture of a long-distance relationship...
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Sun Jun 07, 2015 09:05 PM
You can't hang out and commiserate with each other, but there's no reason you can't do it on Skype. Or Facetime. Video texts. Snapchat. There's bajoodles of ways you can see and talk to each other. I mean, it's not having him there in person, but it's pretty close. And Reagan is probably missing him in her own unique way, she might enjoy getting to Skype with him too.
re: Surviving the torture of a long-distance relationship...
By hummingbird Comments: 10413, member since Mon Apr 18, 2005
On Mon Jun 08, 2015 12:10 PM
Having spent quite a lot of my time with my husband being long distance I know it can be hard but the internet makes it so much easier than it used to be. I agree with Theresa, use video calls, it helps no end.
re: Surviving the torture of a long-distance relationship...
By foreverlostmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 1917, member since Sun Feb 15, 2004
On Thu Jun 11, 2015 05:26 PM
I know what you're going through. For the past year and a half my boyfriend has literally been on the other side of the country. We see each other every three months. He just moved closer (yippee!) but is still a 3 hour flight away. It is stressful, expensive, and lonely but we make it work until I can move in a year.

That being said, I have found that the best thing is just to talk about. In the beginning I felt myself not telling him how down I really was or how I really felt until it was me completely breaking down. I didn't want to feel like I was constantly complaining about the distance and in a lot of ways was forcing myself to suffer through it alone. So talking to him about every feeling, even a simple "I miss you" has done wonders in helping us communicate.

Do we still have glitches? Yes, LDR's are never going to be cut and dry. I have also found that set times for skyping and phone calls helps. The normal relationship you know you will see them at 5pm every day when they are off work- we don't have that. A set time to communicate gives me something to look forward to all day.

It takes two very strong and dedicated people to makes these work, but it sounds like you guys really care about eachother. Keep plugging through it and it will fly by. You can also PM me if you ever need to talk. :)
re: Surviving the torture of a long-distance relationship...
By iliahmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 2331, member since Tue May 10, 2005
On Sun Jun 14, 2015 02:13 PM
I spent almost 3 years being east coast/west coast long distance with my boyfriend.

I just moved to New York last month, so our long-distance phase is finally over.

Over the past 3 years, I found that the thing that really helped us was that we video chatted every single day sometime after dinner and before bedtime. If we're busy, it'll just be a quick hello or good night. If we had some more time, we'll talk more about our day. We just sort of check in every day.

We text during the day if we had plans to go out with other friends. It just helps to be "in" on what the other is doing, just not the obsessive where are you every second of the day thing.

We usually try to see each other every 2-3 months, and take turns flying back and forth. The longest we've gone without seeing each other was about 6 months when both of us were really busy, and we made a point to video chat longer during that time. How long we stay during each trip depends on our schedules. I've stayed up to 3 weeks before. Sometimes he'd just fly in for a long weekend, take a red eye back to the east coast and go directly to work.

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