Forum: Advice / Emergency

Back in abuse zone, no professional help available, advice needed.
By SwordInStone
On Fri Jun 19, 2015 12:02 PM
Edited by SwordInStone (239239) on 2015-06-19 12:30:01
Edited by SwordInStone (239239) on 2015-06-19 12:32:58

Sorry for the suddenness and I have trouble being logical. Here:

1. Abusive parents, had suicide attempts, needed to get out. Told that no one will like me if I say I have PTSD (diagnosed by professional). I was isolated, needed to run away from home. Finished undergrad early to run away to "Eastern" Europe.

2. I like there, did well academically but parents triggered me and I breakdown three times. Grades suffered. Good friends here say tell prof, told prof and he was understanding, gave me extension. Other two profs gave me extensions, rest of papers were on time and good quality. Thesis presentation successful. All papers done by now. Profs say I have good ideas, work with me extra because I want to publish in university journal.

3. Parents say come back to States, I said I'm suicidal and cannot stay more than a month. Plane tickets booked for two months.

4. I got along well with colleagues (competitors), in March started hanging out with them outside of uni. Got close to them, they know I'm depressed, they help me very much and are understanding. We also help each other academically. Parents triggered me more when I got closer to friends. Early May, fell in love with one friend. Parents know, said they did not give permission to fall in love with someone they did not choose, then other things that triggered so bad I had a full breakdown.

5. Breakdown was during finals, managed to pass and finish all papers, with extensions. My ranking dropped from 1 to 3, still hope for phD.

6. Friend whom I love has girlfriend. Long-distance, relationship not too much love but pleasant. Friend and I--still friends, he is still with girlfriend. Falling in love was spontaneous, I do not intend to damage his existing relationship. Parents still call me whore, say third parties are despicable. They say mistress, concubine, shameless whore, homewrecker. I did not have sex with him, did not even kiss or hold hands. He is not married, relationship not even very serious, and I am fine with being friends. Why call me these things, it's really not so dramatic.

7. Slut-shaming of me began at age 9, now parents infiltrated memories of my friends, connected past traumas to them. Whenever I think of friend-I-loved, flashbacks of past return. Say no one will love me like parents will, if friends love me it is to take advantage of me, I am idiot for trusting.

8. Overwhelming emotion makes it hard to work, so I have no emotion, only dull sense of dread. I forget friends, I forget their names and entire months. Then I read journal and it all comes back. Sometimes I cannot physically talk. Sometimes flashbacks too intense, I lose consciousness. When I can write a little, I write, they say the work is still good quality but I have done much better.

9. I still have 45 more days in this abuse home. Very suicidal, do not want to commit suicide but suicidal thoughts are intrusive. So I say, must see counsellor. Today saw counsellor, she says problem is very bad, cannot help me much and gave me info for hospital because that's how badly I'm doing. Said outpatient because then I can leave whenever, so I can catch plane in August.

10. Hospital mocked by parents, then found out that their current American insurance will not pay. Insurance also will not pay for normal counselling.

11. Ballet--I have no job in new country, no income unless I get into phD. I want to stay in that country, the locals like me and say I should stay, I love the university and department. Feel safe there, belongs. Before leaving I was trainee at ballet company, now want to audition to be apprentice or corps member. If I stay in States till Aug, will have very good ballet training. It starts mid-July, goes for 3 weeks.

12. If I go back to Europe, I have insurance for counselling, also safe environment and friends, if I can learn to stop associating them with trauma.

13. Should I try to go back early? Possible to work back up to rank 1 instead of 3 or 4 (out of 11)? Is ballet worth staying in this place or should I go back and ask coach from there? I cannot leave room sometimes, parents yell or say things that trigger and I shut down, lose parts of memory.

14. I miss my friends and cannot remember them always. I read past note about blond man not in army, wonder who is this blond man not in army, sometimes I remember he is friend-I-loved and that I am whore for loved him because he has relationship, that we are not even friends because how can I be friends with man who plays me and sees me as prostitute and trash? Because I was prostitute and trash since age 9. Sometimes I remember this is not true, that friend is good person and I am not whore, he still loves me but we are just friends because too overwhelmed with other problems that must be resolved first. I used to forget him just for short moments, now I remember him for short moments. When I remember I might remember him as he is or my parents' distorted version of him. Sometimes on Facebook I see his picture and say, why does this man look familiar?

15. Parents just yelled for me (just now), I have no privacy, sometimes I canont talk and they will not leave me peace. They know this is last time they see me, so it is very bad. I am visible unwell, they do not care to extra kindness.

16. I will recover, I will, I will go back and stay there whether as researcher or dancer but must not break down too much before that. Must not be unfair to friends. Department very kind, must not waste their kindness by letting abuse prevent me from work. I want to Stay in states because ballet is important, if phd not successful in applying then I will need ballet to help me stay there. But is it worth the risk because after seeing counsellor, abuse worse since they did not want me to see counsellor anyway. Now all professional help here not likely, should I go back to Europe for professional help mentally, and figure out ballet training and audition later when I am more well?

Please give advice, sorry for rambling and being unwell but I am doing my best, this is a struggle and thank you if you have advice. If you want to say I am failure, please wait until later.

6 Replies to Back in abuse zone, no professional help available, advice needed.

re: Back in abuse zone, no professional help available, advice needed. (karma: 1)
By shmcdona
On Fri Jun 19, 2015 12:22 PM
Get out. Go. Change the date of your ticket and leave. Honestly its the best thing you can do. You sound absolutely miserable there and seemed to be happy and doing so much better away from them.
re: Back in abuse zone, no professional help available, advice needed. (karma: 1)
By DarcysReelmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jun 19, 2015 02:37 PM
LEAVE. NOW. Get out. Change the date of your ticket. They may charge a fee, but it will be worth it. Pack your things (or at least your passport, some money, and a couple changes clothes), call a taxi, and leave. You will be so much happier NOT being at home!!!

Please update! :) Hugs!
re: Back in abuse zone, no professional help available, advice needed. (karma: 1)
By Tansey
On Fri Jun 19, 2015 04:22 PM
Change your ticket, pack up your things quietly and go back now. Don't tell your parents until you're ready to leave. And please stop over-sharing with abusive parents who use the info against you. You don't need to tell them so much about your relationships with others. I wish you well.
re: Back in abuse zone, no professional help available, advice needed.
By SwordInStone
On Fri Jun 19, 2015 09:59 PM
Ah, yes, that would make sense. Thank you all for the advice.

As for update:

1. Yelled at me because hospital recommended by counsellor is expensive, told me it will not help, used mean tone and blamed me for somehow making counsellor think this is necessary.

2. Still financially dependent on them. They said before that they can change ticket if necessary, asked them very nicely today and they said no. Suicide risk high, stood my ground while they yelled, made me feel failed in general. Finally changed ticket, said good riddance and never come back.

3. I had spent the little bit of money I earned buying presents for them while in Europe.

4. They made sure to get the worst seat and flight time available, father even asked if there were available standing seats from NY to Helsinki. That's approx. 8 hours. Then laughed, went back to reading news on computer.

5. The whole time, very nasty looks at me, mean triggering comments. One was about mental hospital and how they will keep me in restraints, likely rape me (and describes this graphic detail)--4 years ago I lost memory over this because so traumatic, now they do it again, knowing the consequence from first time. Intentionally triggering me when counsellor sternly told them how serious my illness is, how they should be supportive.

6. I'm still doing laundry, vacuuming and polishing floor, folding clothes, cleaning kitchen. Still largely silent, very polite, do not talk back. Sometimes I ask them to please stop talking like that, they yell, swear at me, say I'll never amount to anything.

7. Don't seek help in new country; if I want to stay there, I should know they do not take deformed crazies so I'm shooting myself in the leg if I think getting counselling there is a good idea. Please, don't let this be true. I've lost memory, faith in friends and now country. Boy-I-loved said the country has my back, their two strongest institutions (university and parliament) are both working very hard to erase stigma and give needed help.

8. I'll join their reserve army after phd. If recovery goes well. In case Russian invades, everyone counts. They're allies of USA so it wouldn't be treason. Sorry if I'm raving, I'm trying to focus on anything as distraction. Need to call hotline that counsellor gave me but parents will awake and saying things about how awful I am, can't use phone.

9. Boy-I-loved hospitalised for a week two years ago, a little less than a euro per day. Was treated very well, no medicated, just lots of care and safety. It was for severe depression. Professors and local friends pay tax dollars so smart, caring people like him get back on his feet. Just some safety, just some not yelling, not picking at most vulnerable triggers for already severe illness, not mocking, someone saying it's going to be alright, no yelling when trying to read colleagues' papers for editing.

10. Father taunting me about not being able to survive in America, that's how awful I am, also hypocrite for using American things. I have it not against America, I am not Putin-supporting Russian that hates everything America! I just need to get away from them because not a moment of peace. Only where I live now it's impossible to get around without car, the streets are lined not with sidewalks but metal railings separating them from private lawns. Friend comes home from med school Sunday, he says can help with everything. Not America's fault, it's them, not the entire country!

I'm sorry for yet another breakdown, it's just that on Fridays they sleep late, watching reality TV while saying all these things about me, each untrue, and they're getting madder the more they talk; the more they talk, the more ridiculous their words become. And I'm really scared, already don't remember some things and now I can have some small degree of rationality, I don't want to faint again, so I can't afford to hear but they force me, they're louder if I cover my ears.
re: Back in abuse zone, no professional help available, advice needed.
By Tishwah
On Sat Jun 20, 2015 01:01 AM
Get out, get out now!

I wouldn't normally tell anyone to get into debt, but use a credit card if you have one and book a ticket back to whatever country it is that you normally live in, get public transport to the airport and go home!

If you don't have a credit card, get out, get out now. You are being abused, go to a women's shelter. You might lose your belongings apart from what you can carry out with your own hands, but that is better than killing yourself. Make sure you get hold of your passport and ticket, take what you can carry and GET OUT!

And stop talking to your parents. Just because they are family you don't owe them anything, not if everything you say here is true. Cut them off, it isn't worth it!
re: Back in abuse zone, no professional help available, advice needed.
By dancinjulie_4
On Mon Aug 17, 2015 10:12 AM
Call the teen "nine line" for advice and help. 999-999-9999.


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