Glad to hear you're away from your parents, and starting to feel better.

This is like the broken leading the broken here. Cripes.

Here's my prediction:

On the surface, Spiderweb will succeed. Airplane will settle down, and be nice, and everything will appear to be going very well.

And then once he's lulled Spiderweb in to thinking that everything is going just great, and that their relationship is healed, Airplane is going to wind up, and hit him with a punch in the gut like he's never felt before. He'll tell someone that really, REALLY shouldn't know about Spiderweb's problems about every single detail.

It's how abusive relationships like that work. It'll play out again. Since you are NOT in a place to stop this, you need assistance that's bigger than you. A professor in your university, maybe?

And Spiderweb's boyfriend has a weird problem, again, one that you're not in even the slightest bit equipped to solve. She is also all the things that Spiderweb is. The depression, the emotional problems, the whatever else? Her too. And she finds solace in the fact that Spiderweb is also all of these things. Because then the depths that she feels them all feels a little more normal, and a little more justified. And she's not going to know what to do with herself if he gets better, because then she's low, alone, and what is she supposed to do then?

And it really, REALLY calls the program you're studying in in to question, that there's all these people with severe depression, and emotional problems, and whatever else, and there's not a single person available for any of you to go to. You guys are hardly an advertisement for the program, or the school. To say nothing of the mental health program in the country you're in. Yikes...

Hmmm, okay, let me think this through.

I appreciate your advice, and I think you're right about Airplane and the abusive pattern. In fact, I noticed he's in many ways like my father, and this abusive cycle has already repeated with me (only it's not so emotionally damaging since I don't care much for him). And Snowmaiden did use the word abusive...you used that same word only after reading a summary of the situation, so I'll definitely keep in mind he's most likely abusive and that a healthy friendship with him is far from likely.

Sorry if I made my country sound awful; it's a very reputable university, the best in the region. There's been much better insurance and much less mental stigma than my former university, which was in the United States. The reason none of us has help yet is because Spiderweb is actually having a relapse (he had been doing better before, which is why his doctor's appointments became infrequent), I'm having trouble finding an English doctor--if I needed urgent help then I'll see a Russian doctor or go to emergency room, or have Snowmaiden and Spiderweb translate--and Snowmaiden already had her professional help and is doing much better. We're both quite clear that it's hopeless with Airplane, the only problem is convincing Spiderweb not to listen to his girlfriend on this particular topic. I have his doctor's contact information, though. I know we're all broken in some way, but we've been struggling through it, and the only way we can let professionals help us is if we are willing to help ourselves as well. In addition, doctors can't be there 24-7, so we try to be there for each other. I'm usually strong and patient for Spiderweb, and if I break down, then Snowmaiden reminds me that sometimes it's just his depression talking, and I'll get patient again. And Spiderweb himself reminds me that if he goes away emotionally, he'll always come back. I think we're all perfectly capable of helping each other, and shouldn't refrain from doing so just because we're all a bit broken. Besides, I've called in a support system of friends who aren't broken just so we'll all have some perspective. So apologies for going against you on this point, but I don't think this is very cringe-worthy.

About Spiderweb's girlfriend--I heard her mental health is perfect, but then again, Airplane told me that...
I'm not sure if she's depressed, only she's not serious. Not sure how else to put it; she likes cute, harmless things, and takes pictures of Spiderweb sleeping, changing clothes and so on. When Spiderweb is really depressed he spends all day playing video games, and so she affectionally calls him Czech (not Czech) otaku; basically to her he's a sort of interesting joker fool who's also eccentric and foreign and incredibly handsome. Some of his quirks, like lethargy, video games (he actually hates it when he spends all day on video games, but she's fine with it; Snowmaiden and I got him to quit and now he's fixing things all day and much happier) aren't actually personality quirks but symptoms of depression that put a lot of stress on him. Girlfriend is from a different continent, Airplane has a fetish for girls from that continent and has a group of them which he calls his (ethnic slur)s. I'm not sure if girlfriend is mentally ill, but she doesn't take Spiderweb seriously, treats him like an exotic, curious toy instead of an actual person. She hasn't actually done anything for him. I've been cooking meals for him every day, mending his clothes so he doesn't have to go around in rags like Raskolnikov the way he did last month, and discussing my presentations and papers with him to make sure they work. He appreciates the help and isn't taking it for granted because he's able to do things again. It really helps take off some of the stress load. And the girlfriend says horrible things about me, but neither of us really care, we've both got things to do.

My goodness, last night he was showing me how he fixes a certain gadget, he was so experienced, and his "clients" are university students who stop by to chat about whatever subject they're studying, I was helping him set us a resting schedule and he was so excited to be getting his life back together, it was amazing. Since the four of us started, he's been seeing friends again (instead of only playing video games with Airplane), going out with people and doing the work he does best. I mean, he can be very charismatic in social situations, he's great to his siblings, he speaks five languages (Snowmaiden speaks seven or so) and can keep up with discussions from chemical engineering to archaeology--all this wasted because Airplane is insecure and wants to emphasise Spiderweb's depression as much as possible...

Sorry for the rant.

Thanks for your input, Theresa, and I'll keep your suggestions in mind. Since none of our local friends like Airplane, I think I'll encourage Spiderweb to discuss this issue with multiple people and override his girlfriend's suggestion by majority vote. Like twenty to one majority vote, that is. And if things get back, I will contact his doctor. She most likely speaks English; if not, we've got Russian in common, and Snowmaiden will soon be back to translate.

Actually, I found your comment a bit judgmental, Theresa.
Not the part about there not being help available, that IS bad.
But there being people with mental issues in the program, well, there are people with mental issues EVERYWHERE. Doesn't really say anything about the quality of the program or the people in it.

Thanks, saaammie.

More information: the girlfriend is insecure. From am observational instead of judgmental standpoint, she's not considered attractive by her native or foreign beauty standards. Once said that she can't imagine any man finding her attractive, and Airplane has commented on her lack of beauty a few times behind her back. Her country has high expectations for outward appearance and behaviour (think South Korea or Taiwan). Spiderweb happens to be extremely attractive by pretty much any country's standards, and I wouldn't be surprised if the relationship is a source of pride for the girl, just because in her country it would be something to be bragged about to the girls and relatives.

I know many people say physical beauty (or lack thereof) is superficial, and perhaps it shouldn't even matter, but unfortunately in this imperfect world it does matter tremendously, especially to imperfect people. I don't think the girl would have gotten together with Spiderweb if it wasn't for his looks and charismatic personality. She seems more interested in being jealous of me than joining his friends in helping him, more interested in keeping him as he is, perhaps knowing that if he moves on from his depression he is likely to move on in his relationships as well. Theresa has already pointed this out.

The girlfriend is going to use Airplane to get rid of me. I think it would help if Spiderweb's other friends point out that continuing to bend to Airplane is not a good idea. I don't care if he'll ever love me, there's no point in coercing anyone. Only, last night he was so happy and productive, yet he was reading to me his records of the worse days, and I thought, please let him never have to experience that again.

saaammie wrote:

Actually, I found your comment a bit judgmental, Theresa.
Not the part about there not being help available, that IS bad.
But there being people with mental issues in the program, well, there are people with mental issues EVERYWHERE. Doesn't really say anything about the quality of the program or the people in it.

I'll be honest, I thought the same thing Therea did. It just seemed a bit odd to me to have a group of people who all have mental illness that are taking big tolls not their day to day lives. But perhaps part of that is just the treatment available and stuff. I have friends on different meds and stuff that I haven't seen at their worst so I guess maybe my group of college friends would have been just like this if it weren't for treatment. No advice, just saying I understand where Theresa is coming from, but it did make me think that perhaps it's not as odd as it initially seemed.

Glad to hear you're away from your parents, and starting to feel better.

Amen.
Emphatically Spiderweb needs to disconnect from Airplane, even if he has to parachute. Would Airplane feel safe if anyone around him ever became more able in any way, shape, or form? Is he fighting some long-forgotten battle? It sounds as though this character seldom misses an opportunity to put anyone down.

Meanwhile, tap into the joy of Slovenia to bring you and your friends uptone.
www.youtube.com . . .
www.youtube.com . . .

saaammie wrote:

Actually, I found your comment a bit judgmental, Theresa.
Not the part about there not being help available, that IS bad.
But there being people with mental issues in the program, well, there are people with mental issues EVERYWHERE. Doesn't really say anything about the quality of the program or the people in it.

And maybe it is, because after all, we're only hearing one side. But from the side I have heard about, mental health problems seem prevalent, social stigma seems great, and treatment seems hard to come by. ...that's not great news, any way you slice it.

(And I'm aware, of course, that you could likely say the same thing about America. I would call that bad here too. This isn't like an elitest, "Americans are super awesome" sort of thing. This situation would be bad, regardless of the nationalities involved)

Thanks again. Snowmaiden and I will definitely do what we can to undo Airplane's influence.

Update: we're definitely making progress. He's got a sleeping schedule going on and is becoming more cooperative in accepting help. Still hasn't seen Airplane yet. Mood usually fine with friends, but it seems like he needs solitude to actually feel the negative emotions he's been suppressing for so long.

I think I'll post on another board a different side of this problem. Rest assured, we're definitely going to give up on Airplane. Thanks to everyone who contributed, as well as those who read.

Update: Catapult is back with us. Spiderweb's girlfriend is visiting. Spiderweb seemed tired of listening to Airplane and wasn't particularly enthusiastic about his girlfriend's visit. Since she's here, he has stopped spending time with his current friends circle. He wanted to go back to our normal schedule after she leaves and is now willing to speak with his doctor again.

In case you're wondering about our country's public institutions, here's something new:

1. I went to the dean's office at Spiderweb's department and in very broken (Lithuanian/Finnish/Czech/whatever language it is) asked them to rewrite the rules to accommodate Spiderweb should he decide to return to university. They were very touched and agreed, though they said the process would be difficult.
I asked them to write an apology letter to Spiderweb and to specifically invite him back. It's a huge department with hundred of students, so it's normal that they'd have trouble keeping track of everyone. Even so they agreed and apologised for their negligence.

My own department is well-aware of my mental health problems. It's small enough to be family, unlike his department, but both are very accommodating.

I'd had gotten the letter that day, too, if it wasn't for my poor grasp of Albanian (schuplatter, I appreciate the videos, but I'm not really in Slovenia. I'm somewhere in the Balkans or Baltics. I've revealed my location a few times and hinted at it even more, but no need to make it too obvious).

2. Spiderweb's doctor is on holiday till mid-September, both of us tried to reach her, didn't work. Also, the university tried to find a therapist for me, but all doctors are on break till September. Snowmaiden and Catapult got me an appointment on her insurance, but it's in mid-September.

Conclusion: Mental illness isn't stigmatised, and people do genuinely try to help, but the system for getting help isn't ideal. Good intentions without always having the means to carry them out. No reason to be judgmental because we're working on it.

Just so you know, the people who stigmatised my illness are foreigners. East Asians, to be more specific. Business-driven, opportunity-seeking types.
And Airplane's father is so racist that our alcoholic villagers are more open-minded.