Forum: Advice / Girls & Guys

Sketchy situation with ex...advice needed please!
By Cheesemoo
On Wed Aug 12, 2015 10:25 AM

Alright, so about eight months ago I had a brief unofficial relationship with this guy. It was one of those ill-defined things where we weren't technically dating but we were seeing each other every day, I'd met most of his family, etc. Anyway, he decided that wasn't working and ended it in not the best way. It was hurtful at the time but I got over it and moved on.

Unfortunately, we go to the same university, so we were seeing each other all over the place and it was very awkward, and I think something we both were on-edge about while just walking between classes.

Anyway, since then I've been in another relationship, but am now single. He sends me a very kind message a couple weeks ago apologizing for what happened, and saying he wants to be friends and make it less awkward when we bump into each other. This sounds great to me, but I make it clear that I don't want anything romantic/sexual and he agrees and lets me know he has a girlfriend. Great! We make nice small talk over text, it's nice to be back in touch in a casual way, it's all very mild.

Then last night he starts getting weird. Telling me he misses me, I'm such a sweetie, he just wants to hear my laugh again. I try and brush this off but then he asks if we can meet up. I'm fine to meet with him for coffee or something because I do want to be friends but the way he asked was so weird and intense. I suggest his girlfriend comes too, he informs me that she lives on the other side of the globe and that they recently met online and he has no idea if/when she'll be back. He wants specific times I'm free so I just say I don't have my work schedule yet to buy myself a little more time.

What do I do? I genuinely want to be on friendly terms with this guy but I feel really bad for his girlfriend. I know in her position I would be very upset if my boyfriend was sending texts like that to an ex. And I'm happy to catch up with him over coffee, but I'm really scared he's going to try and make a move, which I really am not interested in. I know he's a flirty personality, so could I just be reading too much into this?

2 Replies to Sketchy situation with ex...advice needed please!

re: Sketchy situation with ex...advice needed please!
By LizDancermember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Wed Aug 12, 2015 08:04 PM
Girl ... just don't. Go with your gut on this one. You're not required to be friends with him. You're not obligated to meet up with him. You don't have to prove in a court of law that he wants to be more than friends in order to justify backing away from this guy. Don't let your fear of being impolite trump your own comfort and safety here.

Don't make plans to meet up with him until he starts acting more like a friend and less like a creep. And if you talk to him again and he starts saying those things, just say "hey, you're making me uncomfortable." If he doesn't back off, then stop talking to him. You're right, it would be nice for you guys to be on friendly terms. But if he tries to take it farther than just friends, then obviously that goal wasn't possible in the first place and you guys were never going to be able to be just friends. What that means is that you tried to be friends, and he was the one who wrecked that. And so in that case, you're totally justified in backing away from him.
re: Sketchy situation with ex...advice needed please! (karma: 1)
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Aug 13, 2015 09:13 PM
I'll take a shot: girlfriend on the other side of the globe? In the words of Phoebe Buffay: ...she's fictitious, no? He made up a girl, hoping you'd get jealous. When you didn't, and instead invited her to coffee, he had to talk his way out of that one pretty quick, so now she lives on the other side of the universe. You can't prove he's not telling the truth, right?!

So, when he tried to make you jealous, and that didn't pan out, he became mopey sad guy, hoping he could get you on the sympathy tip. And it's almost working - he's got you up to "thinking about it". He's right there!

I'd blow him off with everything you could come up with. Stomach flu, dance class, buried in homework, all the things. And when you say you're doing any of these things, social media goes dark. Don't even get on to check. Cause facebook shows when people are online, you'll get sussed out.

If you get the guilt, and you decide you're going to see him, repeat after me: only in public places, and don't go alone. Treat it as if you were meeting a new guy that you met online. Only in public, and don't go alone. Bonus points if you can wrangle another guy to go with you. Wanting to be friends with your exs is a noble effort, but pulling it off is considerably harder.


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