Forum: Advice / Support

dealing with an actual psycho parent & trying to grow up
By greatunknowns Comments: 7, member since Sat Nov 29, 2014
On Sat Aug 15, 2015 11:33 PM

I'm mainly venting, but please post advice/suggestions if you have them. (Pleeease help me if you have any tactics to send someone to therapy...) I'm so sorry for the length of this. Didn't expect it to turn out this wordy. Additionally, there's already some info here that I've posted before, but for the sake of this new post, here it is. (Also - for anyone that did see my preview post several months ago, my father passed away less than a month after that post, & things have for sure changed since then.)

I was adopted as a baby (I am now 22), and for as long as I can remember, I have never gotten along with my mother. Her behavior has always been atrocious, but has gotten worse as I've gotten older. She lies, she blatantly makes things up/twists your words to suit her, she cannot do anything on her own, she doesn't take any responsibility for her own actions/words, she whines about everything/constantly complains, the attention must always be on her & she'll try to make anything about her/make herself out to be the victim, and is overall just a nasty person to be around. She's toxic and foul, and my blood pressure skyrockets whenever I am home. She refuses to seek any professional help, as she does not think there is anything wrong with her, that everyone around her is the problem. I'm sure that her many physical ailments (several health problems, mobility issues, and she's only 62), as well as all the medications she is on contribute to her behavior, but it's absolutely out of control at this point.

Her sister passed away suddenly & unexpectedly in October 2013, and she sought out group therapy for that, which seemed to help. My father, her husband, passed away (a bit sooner than expected) in April of this year, and she has not sought out help for that, despite knowing that she needs to go. My family has basically fallen apart with their passings. While my dad had a larger family (3 remaining siblings), my mother has no one left in her family. Any family gathering of our "immediate" family is typically her, myself, my 32 year old brother, and my uncle (the husband of my aunt that passed). My mother's behavior is so out of control, inappropriate, and out of line that it's impossible for me to feel like I belong in my family. I care deeply about my brother, and that's about it. I don't feel any connection to my mother, which I do feel guilty about, but she has never treated me with any respect or kindness, and any apology she makes is just a hollow gesture. I was very close with my father, and it was a tremendous loss for me. And times like these make me wish I could just call him up and say hi. I've handled his passing reasonably well - the first few weeks were tough, but I got thrown right back into my schoolwork for my last semester of college, and then straight to a job after graduation, so I've been able to channel all of my feelings into something positive.

The most recent development is that my mother found out that I have had sex. I've been having sex for roughly a year now, but I was so afraid of her finding out. It was so much easier to sneak around in college, but it's impossible to now that I'm living at home again. I have to go to the gyno, and she had asked if I had ever had sex before. I didn't want to lie and for it to come back and bite me later, and after all the times she has asked my brother & I to talk about things like that with her ("you won't get in trouble if you tell the truth"), I foolishly thought I could trust her not to fly off the handle like she typically does. Of course, she did exactly what she normally does - makes things up, flies off the handle, blows everything out of proportion.

I am a legal, consenting adult. She, however, was under the assumption that she and my father had drilled it into my head that "sex is sacred" and that I was "waiting until marriage". She has so far accused me of getting married, and made up that I not only have an STD, but am also pregnant. None of that is true - I got my period two weeks ago, I am clean, and I am not married. (She also refuses to take me for a blood test to confirm pregnancy because she knows she's wrong and is lying.) I was away for two months for a job in a different state, and I met a 30 year old man while I was there. Being in the entertainment industry and having to grow up faster than all my friends, it's not a surprise to me that I'm now sort-of dating a 30 year old - he treats me well, does not pressure me, and we're taking it super slow because we're in different life stages. He & I have not yet been intimate, but my mother assumes that it was him that "got my pregnant", and so she doesn't know how many guys I've actually been intimate with. (She was fine with me seeing him until I told her that I've had sex before, and then she just assumed that it was with him when it wasn't. I've not said otherwise, because it would be 80 times worse if she actually knew that I've had sex with more than one person.) Apart from her accusing me of things that aren't true, I'm most upset that she "can't trust me anymore" because I decided to have pre-marital sex. She does not understand that it's my body and I get to decide what I do with it. I told her that it was protected sex and I used a condom (she thinks it only happened once), but she still thinks that she gets to decide whether I have sex or not, despite the fact that she has no control over my life since I am a legal adult. I understand that no parent wants to hear that their child is engaging in sexual activities, but she refuses to even acknowledge that I'm an adult that can make my own decisions, nor that she & I have different views. She just keeps making comments about me being pregnant, and then doesn't understand why I'm so upset and angry. She also keeps dragging my father into this, saying, "If your father were still alive, I bet that you wouldn't have done this." She's wrong. I would have done it either way. Being intimate with another human being is something that makes me happy, makes me feel good, and is my choice, and I would sooner gouge my eyeballs out with blunt scissors than abide by her values. According to her, "having pre-marital sex is illegal"...cue me laughing for days about that.

So basically I'm trying to save up and move out now. I unexpectedly was told by my boss at my survival job (when I'm not acting) can't give me the hours I need (or any hours at all), after she had explicitly told me that she would put me back on the schedule once I returned. Sigh. I'm applying to different jobs now in hopes that I'll find a new job with comparable pay, and will be able to save up a bit. I just cannot live at home anymore. I gave my mother an ultimatum - either she gets professional help because her behavior is simply atrocious at this point and she is quite literally insane, or I move out ASAP (I would ask one of my friends if I could crash for a bit until I can get my own apartment, and I know several that would allow me to). So far, she hasn't been very proactive, and she knows how serious I am about this.

I'm just very frustrated. It's so hard feeling so disrespected and so disconnected from the person that raised me and was supposed to be my parent. Instead, I'm parenting her these days - doing errands for her, cooking her dinner, making sure she goes to bed on time, making sure the dog gets fed and taken to the bathroom. It's not even depression at this point, it's just that she lacks all life skills to be independent when there's another person around. (Somehow, all of these things get done when she's by herself...) I'm so frustrated that she's never proud of me whenever I book a new acting gig - she just yells at me about how I won't be around to essentially cater to her every whim. I'm frustrated that I feel like I don't have a family anymore. The 30 year old guy that I'm sort of seeing is the first guy in a while that I get excited to talk to or see, treats me how a person should be treated, and likes me for who I am. He treats me with respect, and I genuinely enjoy spending time with him - and so I am nervous that my mother, while I'm still living at home, will forbid me from going out. (Ugh, so childish. She has threatened to change the locks, and in the past, has locked me out of my own house.) I know - her house, her rules, but frankly, she shouldn't get to make any rules if I (and my brother) have to parent her. She is verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, and sometimes physically abusive.

I just need to move out already, but I don't have enough money to support myself. And I genuinely would be worried what would happen to her if I just up and left, though I definitely would not call her to find out. I'm worried I'll disappoint my brother and uncle if I just walk out, but at this point, walking out is not only what will be best for my mental and physical health, but probably the only thing that will be a wake-up call for her.

1 Replies to dealing with an actual psycho parent & trying to grow up

re: dealing with an actual psycho parent & trying to grow up
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34923, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Sat Aug 15, 2015 11:41 PM
I know - her house, her rules, but frankly, she shouldn't get to make any rules if I (and my brother) have to parent her. She is verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, and sometimes physically abusive.

Yeah, but that's not really how making the rules works. I've asked my son to grab me a bottle of water, but I'm still the one that makes the rules for him. Because, where it up to him, he'd be awake from 6:30 AM to 2:00 AM the following morning, and school wouldn't exist. Sometimes cooler heads have to prevail.

So, you've made your ultimatum, and she's not shown any effort at following through. So now you have to. You said you'd leave if she wouldn't get help. So...get out. Look in to income based housing in your area. There are several apartment complexes near me that set your rent based on your income, so you wouldn't have to come up with some huge amount, they'd tailor it to what you made per month.