25 Replies to I need some words of hope
For the actual job part: I would highly, highly recommend temp agencies. The "temp" part may be scary, but very often those "temp" jobs turn into permanent ones if they like you enough (it did for me). I spent a year applying to jobs on my own and might as well have been launching those applications into the sun. A good temp agency is like a well-connected friend who can at least get you in the door. Thinking of you. I know how frustrating the job hunt can be.
Financially yes, he is in the position where he could afford to cover the bills for a couple of months while I looked for work, but he wants to put the money aside to save for us to go on a trip or something. We discusses me quitting two days ago. he asked "Do you have enough money for next month?" I said "Kind of, when I get paid this week I will have enough money for my bills for next month and that is it." (and since I have no idea when my tax return is getting to me, I am leaving that out of the equation). Basically he just told me to maybe keep this job then while I look for something else.
So I do feel really alone on all of this, but I can't move back because I am stuck in a lease that is another 10 months. The awful part of all of this is my place I was renting before is open again (cheaper then what I pay for rent here and I would be living on my own), and my old job is offering me a position again. But I can't afford to buy out of this lease and I can't afford to pay two rents even though I would be making more money.
And I feel guilty because I am struggling with watching my boyfriend do what he loves. He is getting cool job opportunities and he is loving his position. I should be happy for him! I moved here because I knew he had better opportunities here then in my small little city. I made the move so he could succeed and now that he is I am hating it. Like right now he is complaining about being in a boring training class and how awful it is but he is making $300 today to be there for 6 hours. I have to work for 8 hours, will make $112, then in 9 hours I head back to do another 8 hour shift and an hour of that will be spent driving!
I am so miserable and I know that is on me and I should make the most of the situation and be positive about it, I just feel like giving up though and crying in my room for a week.
(And just saying, not that you have to do it this way, but subleasing is totally a thing. It might be too overwhelming to think about right now, but usually if you can get someone to take over your lease, apartments don't really care who's paying the rent as long as they're getting money every month.)
The posters above have made some excellent suggestions. Temp agencies can give you a taste of what other kinds of jobs are available in the area, and sometimes they lead to job offers. Since you hate your job anyway, you might consider doing something outside of your field even if you don't love it, for better money. Waiting tables is not glamorous but if you can find the right situation you may be able to make some good money and be able to put a few dollars aside so you can make some important decisions for your future.
The idea of going back home for a visit to clear your head is also good. No one likes to "go backward" but there is also the chance that in your current unhappiness, you are only remembering the good things about "home". If you really believe you belong there in your old job and such, perhaps it is time for your boyfriend to look for another roommate. It would help you get out of the lease, and 10 months isn't as long as it sounds if it means you will be restored to a better state of physical and mental health.
I suspect that if your boyfriend continues to play video games while saving for his next vacation, with his "deep thoughts" amounting to, "can you pay your bills next month?", you two may be over before your lease is up anyway. You say things are going great for him...you would think he would be at his best under these circumstances and more capable of being sympathetic, empathetic, and generous. Does he understand that you feeling like you spend your workdays lying and cheating is something that won't be good for either of you if it continues? Sometimes guys are able to disconnect from their work in a way many women can't. Perhaps he just doesn't get it? I actually hope this is true, for the sake of your relationship.
Whatever you decide, it is time for a serious talk with your boyfriend. Lay it all out, and give him a chance to be helpful in a concrete way, not just offering unhelpful advice.
I hope this all works out for you.
In the meantime, it might help if you set boundaries for yourself. When you go to work, remind yourself that it is only a paycheck. You are NOT invested in a career with this place, you don't care about pleasing these people. Just do your job. You don't have to lie and cheat no matter what your employer expects...what can happen if you don't? You'll get fired? GOOD... you can collect unemployment and look for a better job full time.
Try to take better care of yourself. Try to not dwell on your unhappiness, but rather do something nice for yourself everyday, and look forward to doing so. Exercise, take special care with your personal appearance... I always feel better when I look better. DANCE. Seriously.... music goes to the deepest part of your brain and movement to music is better than drugs.
Hugs... I know things will be better. You are a loving, loyal, person, and you know what you like and what you hate. Very few people can say this, especially when they are depressed. Hopefully, your boyfriend will rise to the occasion and you will find a better job. I really hope so. xoxo
Keep On Dancing*
Comment #10239937 deleted
Removed by hummingbird (128773) on 2016-05-29 08:33:17 Sorry Christine, I'm removing the post because it's making the words disappear off the page. I'm going to pm you so you can repost it without this happening.
What are the pros and cons of you staying where you are, versus what are the pros and cons of your moving back to where you were?
Would your boyfriend be willing, and is it in the lease for you to try to find a replacement roommate, a sublet? Also, if you pursue this avenue, make sure that the replacement roommate's check clears FIRST. AND that they sign a contract that they would be responsible for the fees required for that place.
In short, I don't think you are a good fit to your current situation. Things sound too strict and stringent. I feel that going home would be akin to a holiday, and a lovely one. If you are one person of 350 who fought for your current position, that tells me that your employer is wanting and expecting you to sweat blood. Miranda Priestly comes to mind.
It was great that you relocated with your boyfriend,and potentially take care of his needs. Now I feel you need to take care of your own needs.
Hope this helps.
I have been home a couple of times and unfortunately all it does is make me realize how much I miss it. I am VERY close to my family. I worked at the same company as my mother and I would spend a lot of time with my brother making stuff and shopping. We did family game nights every 3-4 weeks (this included my brother's gf) and we would even go to my brother's girlfriend's family house to spend time with them and play games with the young kids. I loved that sense of family and everyone having each others back and having help anytime you needed it. Everyone was so loving and so willing to help each other. My brother's girlfriend even helps my mom workout when my brother is not around to do it.
So then I move here and it is such a culture shock. The other day I cried in bed for about an hour with my boyfriend beside me and then at the end of it I asked him if he wanted a snack and asked if he needed anything and just said "yeah if you want a snack I will have something" even though I was so drained and could hardly move. It is so instilled in me that people have each others backs and then here I feel like he doesn't have mine.
We have had multiple talks about how this job is ruining me. It is a very toxic environment for me and the absolute worst fit. So he understands how much I am struggling with this and how hard it is for me.
After my hour long cry he told me to just pay rent next month and not worry about the other bills or food and to just quit my job and then pay for bills again in July. The problem is though, if I don't find another one (And I am not picky, I have been applying for everything. Serving, reception, vet clinics, ect...)then I won't have money for the wedding we need to go to this summer and I won't have money for fun stuff so then I get stressed thinking about that too.
A job did actually open in my field (I am currently not working in my field) and it is the most perfect position. I am crossing my fingers I can get an interview and show them how much I want this job and much passion I have for this position. If I can get it then I would still need another part time job as this is part time, but it pays so well I could just stock shelves at a grocery part time.
My honest to goodness advice to you would be to find something that gets you some sort of foot hold in your area. Take a dance class. Join the book club at the library. Sign up for a class at the college (visit the Women's Center on campus first, you can probably get all sorts of scholarships and grants to help pay for it). Volunteer for some of the community summer festivals that are happening, they always need help. You have something that you're passionate about, find it in your area, and get out there. Maybe do a little of all of these things, until you figure out what it is that you're passionate about.
And take literally any job that'll have you. The library. Night shift at McDonald's. Whatever you got that can keep a few coins in your pocket, so you can get out of where you are now.
And do NOT hesitate to speak to your doctor about all of this. There sounds like there's some good old fashioned depression at play in there, which is making all the rest of these problems seem worse, rather than better. Good luck!
I struggle because I know I can not afford to live here if I make min wage. It costs a lot more to live in the large city then my small one and I did the math and on min wage I would have $0 left at the end of the month which means no camping with everyone else and no going to the wedding.
I guess the other thing I am struggling with is he was laid off of work in May 2015 and didn't start working again Oct or Nov of 2015. He had the time to find a job in his field. I know it was because he was laid off and it was stressful, I just wish I could be afforded that opportunity.
I know I am just sounding childish and selfish now.
I am looking at classes. I like helping people and doing everything I can to go that extra step for people. I have had a few people tell me I would be good at working with persons with special needs so I have been debating going to school for that since it is a 9 month program and they are very short on special needs educational assistants.
I just feel very lost right now and I am not getting the support I need from my boyfriend but at the same time I don't know what I need.
He says things like "Well just pay rent next month and don't worry about anything else and then you have a month to find a job." and I say "well technically I have 2 weeks to find a job so I can have a pay cheque to pay for bills for July" and he says "there you go, you have 2 weeks" like 2 weeks it not a lot of time to apply for a position, have an interview, get hired, and start. Even this job it was about 3 weeks from when I applied to when I started. So it feels like he is trying but at the same time doesn't really want to have to spend extra money.
I know I should stop complaining and start doing something, I am just lost.
Let's flip this, just as a what-if. If HE was the one in a bad job situation and you were the one with the good job, what would you do for him? Ok, THAT answer is what you need from him. You turned your life upside down to be with him and he's just watching you struggle. Not cool.
I think you know what you need from your boyfriend, you just are afraid to ask because you know the answer might make or break your relationship. Again--y'all are in crisis mode. He needs to step up, or else.
I moved to Calgary almost 6 years ago, and the first thing I did when I got here was apply at a restaurant. I met my fiancé there, and I would say 80% of the people coming to our wedding are people we've met through that restaurant. My maid of honour and one of my bridesmaids I met there. Truly my best friends are the people I met at that restaurant, and I haven't even worked there in over a year!
The nice thing about serving too is walking away from each shift with cash. There's no waiting for your next paycheque to come in. Plus, you'll often have a pretty flexible schedule, which would allow you to work, plus look for a job in your field without being stressed out about it. If you work evenings, your days are available to look for other jobs.
From the sounds of things, it doesn't really seem like you are able to enjoy your down time. I would suggest talking with your boyfriend to figure out some ways to enjoy that down time together. Do you enjoy cooking? That's something that my fiancé and I look forward to at the end of the day. We cook a nice meal (nothing fancy, just regular dinner), maybe have a glass of wine, listen to some music. We both look forward to that part of our day. Or maybe work out together? Read books together?
Did your boyfriend live in the city before you got there? Does he know the area? Have you guys gone out exploring? Moving to a big city can be very exciting, and there are often lots of things to do with your down time that are free. Find different parks, hikes, lakes, whatever! I know it's a little uncomfortable to tell us where you live, but maybe we'd be able to help you find some awesome things to do if we knew? That's totally up to you.
And I have to agree with everyone else - your boyfriend needs to step up. Watching you cry in bed, then having you grab him a snack is silly. I'm glad he's offering to help you with some bills, but it doesn't really sound like he is emotionally available for you. I get that some guys relax with video games, but when he's playing video games he isn't emotionally available for you. I think it's important for you to let him know what your emotional needs are so that he can be present with you. The 5 Languages of Love is a book that is SO helpful to figure out what you need to be emotionally secure in a relationship. For example, my fiancé and I need physical touch and words of affirmation - so at the end of a crappy day for either of us, we need to be able to talk to each other/vent and hug/cuddle for our needs to be met. For you, maybe is that tangible help with looking for a job (acts of service), or maybe just quality time (which doesn't include him playing video games!) But it's SO worth it to figure this out.
Good luck with everything! Moving to a new city can be very stressful, and it's exponentially harder when you hate your job and are stressed about money.
He lived here for just over a year before I moved up here. I know the city pretty well as I have been coming here for years but I would like to explore a bit more. Another issue I am having is I get super stressed out being on the roads here. A million people live here and it seems no one knows how to drive
The hard thing is, I know that if I had the money and he was like this I would tell him to quit his job and look for a new one. In fact he taught for a week and then they asked him to come back for another month but he hated that class he was teaching so much that his life was hell for that one week. He didn't know what to do because he felt he should take it but he was miserable and I sat down with him and told him to not take it. It wasn't worth it. To keep subbing and something would come up and just subbing he was making a ton of money.
I really want to go in and quit. My co-worker threw me under the bus again, my boss put another 6 steps into our daily "must get done list" because one person made a mistake one time, and apparently my department is not following the four core values we have so we are all treading water with a 1 strike your fired policy pretty much.
I still feel lost. I try to do the stuff I love doing and I end up just sitting there with zero motivation.
The other difficult part is my shifts are ALWAYS different so spending time with my boyfriend is rare. For the last couple months I have mostly been working 2:30-10:30 which means I have to leave my house at 2 and I get home at 11. He works 845-315 and is out of the house from 8-4. So we get 9 hours home together, but really only 1 because then he has to go to sleep while I still unwind from a stressful day at work.
nothing about this job is working. I know serving is the same but at least I would make more money and not have to wait 2 weeks for it.
I just want to be excited to go to work again and excited to get out of bed and do my hobbies.
Are you able to take this one problem at a time and see if there is a light at the end of the tunnel?
As I see it, your problems are these:
1) Your job is soul sucking and depressing and feeds your feeling of hopelessness.
2) You wish your boyfriend was a knight in shining armor, or at least a cowboy on a white horse, but he is just a boy, seemingly self centered and not very generous, or at best clueless. (I have to ask... how old is he?) Your hope that he will rescue you seems improbable based on recent history. The reality that you have to save yourself is also depressing because it takes the shine off the apple of your relationship with him.
3) You are homesick. This is depressing in and of itself but it is compounded by the reality that your boyfriend is not going to rescue you (see #2)
4) You are lonely. Your support system is mostly your boyfriend and he isn't meeting your needs. He seems stingy to you right now and your resentment of him is growing. Instead of growing closer, you are growing apart. You are at the breaking point and yet you still get him a snack, I assume, when he'd had enough of you crying. Also depressing, even without the snack.
5)You feel trapped... stuck in your depression which feels like a consequence of outside forces, not internal dynamics, stuck in a lease you can't afford to break, and stuck in a city where you feel like a captive (the fear of driving.)
I am not a shrink and I don't pretend to be an expert on mental health strategies, but I do believe most of these situations can be made better, rather quickly, if you throw fear and doubt out the window and make some changes. Are you stuck because your are depressed? Or are you depressed because you are stuck?
1) QUIT THAT DAMN JOB! As I said before, it is bad for your soul. What's the worst that can happen if you quit? You have to work at McDonalds? It wouldn't be so bad! People are friendly there, they don't ask you to lie to others or cheat people, you'd never go hungry, and they have nice benefits if you go full time and even have a management training program. Also, their feelings won't be hurt if you find a better job and leave them. You'll work with all kinds of people and have an opportunity to learn all kinds of things about your new community. This is worst case! You might find a better job than McDonalds, and this is only temporary anyway!
I strongly suspect once you are away from this job your entire outlook will improve.
2)Give your boyfriend one more chance to help you and be direct about it. "Would you pay the bills until I find another job? It could be a loan, if you insist." If he says no, let it go. Although I agree with everyone else that he shouldn't be such a tool about this, ultimately, it isn't always possible to be Cinderella and have Prince Charming come to the rescue. It would be nice if he did, and it seems like he could, but many women have to take care of themselves and it will make you stronger and more capable if it turns out you have to be such a woman. Many men are not in a position to be the savior... I have several moms at my studio who work full time and their husbands take care of the home and kids because they are nurses and teachers and can make more money. Don't let money mean more than it should. Some men have huge child support payments and student loans and their partners accept the fact that they have to support themselves. Don't let money define your relationship.
3)If you can't be "back home", try to disconnect from what you have left behind and find a balance. Make plans to reconnect with family and friends once a month but work on building a life where you are. "Bloom where you're planted." The idea of volunteering at an animal shelter is EXCELLENT. I find my dog is the most comforting, reliable,creature I encounter some days. The animals at the shelter need you as much as you need them. You will also meet people who share your appreciation for animals...not everyone has this. It might very well be the start of some good friendships.
4)In addition to possibly making some new friends at your new job or if you volunteer at the shelter, go out of your way to spend time with others, even if it is "forced fun". You like animals... is there a dog park? Spend some time with people and you won't feel so lonely. Plan a date night with boyfriend every week NO MATTER WHAT! Set a date and time to visit a museum, a free event like a concert in town, or explore a park or hiking trail, waterfront, train station...whatever... JUST DO IT. Looking forward to something can be very helpful, even if your time together is limited. Make time for each other and re-discover why you like being together, without the pressures of your unhappiness.
5)Drive. Seriously.... It seems frightening when you look at the big numbers, but traffic is traffic. I live in a tiny town, and the 5 point intersection where the only main roads converge is always congested. I also drive into New York as often as I can... a city of 9 million people, and there is traffic there too, but TRAFFIC IS TRAFFIC. Don't look at the big picture, just figure out how to get from point A to point B and once you do it a few times it will be easier than you can imagine. Just like dancing, practice makes perfect.
I am sorry this is so long.... I've been thinking about you and your situation quite a bit, and I really believe you can conquer this. You are healthy, you don't have children depending on you, and although you don't like your job, it isn't like being in the army... you can quit and try another crappy job (again, worst case scenario)which might at lest be FUN!
I hope things get better soon. You sound so sweet and kind and loving and these are rare things in some parts. You deserve to be happy. If this were your boyfriend, I suspect there isn't much you wouldn't do to help him feel better. Treat yourself as well as you would him...you deserve it! xoxo
Keep On Dancing*
I think what I am so scared about with quitting my job is falling further down the ladder. I was so confident when I moved here that I would get a job I would like. I was SO excited to start this job. It is decent pay, great benefits, I get to meet people from all over the world. And I remember when I got the job offer I was so excited I was jumping up and down. And now 4 months into it and I hate it. What if I quit and I make even less money and struggle even more? What if no one will hire me even with all my experience? What if their management is even worse? And I am worried if I don't have the support then I will slip further into myself and close off even more. And I know it sounds so dumb and I worry far too much, but it is what is going on in my head.
I am excited to volunteer. I love animals. I love them as much as I love children. I have no idea where the dog parks are here but I can look into that. I never thought of that since I have never owned a dog.
I think I will talk to him again. It is hard for me to do that because I feel like I shouldn't be asking for his help. I have always been very independent and lived on my own for 2 years before moving here. I don't like asking for help. I feel like I just need to be an adult and suck it up and fix it myself because being an adult is hard for everyone so I don't feel like I deserve special treatment.
And I do need to make a life here. I HATE change. I don't do well with it (as is evident in this post) and I have always struggled with it. I dislike change and surprises equally. So I know I need to work on that. I am trying to forget my last job, it is difficult because I loved it so much and I saw myself being there for a long while. I am struggling with going from a job that could have a career to a job that I don't even see myself at for 1 more day.
I am trying hard to change my outlook. I don't want you guys to think your words are falling on deaf ears. I want to change, I want to make this better, I really do. I am just really freaking scared and nervous and I wish my mom was here :/
I was like you. I hated change and I always went for the sure thing, so I was terrifed. I went from $70k a year to $0 for about 2 months, and for almost a year after that I made ends meet by tutoring, teaching a homeschooling class, nannying and doing photography. However, it forced me to take a good long look at what exactly I needed from a work environment, because I wasn't getting it in my current field. I wanted to be in a helping profession somehow.
I started temping in February 2015 at this great little nonprofit and in September of that year they hired me on full time. The salary is half of what I used to make, but going to work is no longer a chore since I get to help people every day, and I think I've figured out what I want to do with the next phase of my career thanks to being at this agency. And yes, it has been stressful at times trying to make ends meet, but I don't have that sense of hollow dread every morning I wake up. I can handle the curveballs because I'm not in panic mode every second.
If you love animals, what about trying to find a job with them? My friend works at a doggy daycare and no longer has to drag herself out of bed every morning, and she didn't really have any experience besides being a pet parent. Volunteering at a humane society would be a great resume item for that sort of thing.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope things get better for you.
I did sign up to volunteer at the humane society and I got accepted! I completed my online training and got 100% on my test. Now I have to wait about a week before they get in contact with me and schedule the tour. I am really excited about doing this and I really hope I meet some people and it helps out with my depression a bit.
I have also decided to bite the bullet and go to school. It isn't what I originally wanted to do, but I talked to my boyfriend and he helped me see it is a good thing for me. Theresa actually mentioned getting any job I could, including a library. It made me giggle because that is what I was doing before! I actually really enjoyed it and while it is not something I would have considered going to school for before, it makes sense. It was a job where I got to be creative, I got to help people learn, I could help people one on one, and I loved it because I wasn't selling anything. I could tell people about our programs which were free, I could give the kids free library cards, I didn't have to meet quotas and goals with signing people up. It was all about helping people and even on the busiest day I ever had, I never once got stressed because everyone helped everyone else.
It also has good hours, holidays off, short days on weekends, it pays REALLY well where I live (and where we would like to move eventually) so I would be able to save up and go on holidays.
I wanted to work with animals but I can always volunteer for that.
I do feel I am taking the safe road a bit, but I am realizing that that isn't a bad thing. It is the safe road but I will have a job any where I go, I will have money for trips, I will be able to have dinner with my boyfriend more often, I will actually have weekends off, I think I will just be happy again.
So I will be quitting my job at the end of Aug at the latest. I am trying to get up the nerve to do it sooner because we had two meetings at work today and I am realizing just how poor of a fit it is.
And that's hilarious that I actually mentioned the job you're going to try to get. I literally was just pulling jobs out of my hat.
Even though you're kind of unlikely to meet your super bestie at the library, you'll be seeing faces that are generally happy, and happy to see you, and don't want a whole lot more than for you to scan their books so they can go on with their day. You'd be amazed what a simple boost to your mood being around people that want to be around you is.
Keep On Dancing*
I wanted to work with animals but I can always volunteer for that.
Why not do that now? Bide your time, give yourself a little bit of hope, while you're slugging it out at the bad job (while of course, getting your ducks in a row to get your awesome life started).
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