Forum: Advice / Secrets PG-13

We're in love--And totally incompatible
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Tue May 24, 2016 07:01 PM

I have no idea why I let myself get into this situation, but I realize now I was really setting myself up the whole time. I'm in love with a guy that I have way too many incompatibilities with. They have been there from the beginning.

We met last summer before I left on a four-month international trip. We kept things casual"ish", but we definitely developed feelings for one another. I think we both expected to resume things when I returned.

When I did return, we picked up where we left off immediately. We get along so well. We can talk for hours. Being intimate with him is electrifying. He's so smart and adventurous; he has so many traits I put a lot of value on. And his presence affects me so much. However, there are major differences between us that I know would become road blocks in the end. He is a loner; I love to spend time with my significant other. He would just assume see me twice a month, and that is perfectly fine for him. That is not ok for me. I don't fault him at all; I know we are just different. He's not open about his feelings. He doesn't use pet names. He likes to maintain his distance and keep his privacy. His sex drive is way lower than mine. He doesn't like to cuddle that much and rarely tries to hold my hand. I am the type that goes all in. I want to know everything, and I want to feel desired. I'm a very intimate person. He is open about the fact that he is not a sentimental person. I'm very sentimental. I can tell that he even tries to accommodate for our differences, but it still isn't enough. So many of the things that I most enjoy about being in a relationship just aren't there. We are so opposite in our relationship needs.

This weekend we went on a road trip, just the two of us, and we had an absolutely amazing time. I felt wonderful around him, and for a moment, forgot about all the issues I see with us. We were close and intimate, just like I had hoped we could be. Things were so comfortable. This weekend he also told me he loved me. I didn't say it back, but I told him I knew I would get there. Thing is, I'm already there, but I don't think I can be with him. I don't want to be the girl who tries to change a guy. I don't want to nag him constantly. I have been down that road before, and it doesn't work. I know that.

A few months ago I told him I thought we might be better suited as friends because I think we have differing emotional needs, and he was very understanding but asked me not to end it, saying that was something he needed to work on because it was why his previous relationship ended. He put in effort to be different for a bit, but that just made me feel a little weird anyway.

I really don't know what I'm asking as far as advice; mostly I'd like to know if anyone has had a similar experience. When did you realize it wouldn't work? What did you do? I feel like this is the kind of stuff that can't be compromised on, but I'm out of my ballpark here. They say opposites attract, but this may not be one of those cases where that's a good thing. I don't know if this is something that can be fixed. I don't know what to say to him. I love you, but I can't be with you just doesn't sound right. And it feels so unfair.

Thanks for reading my woes. Seriously.

1 Replies to We're in love--And totally incompatible

re: We're in love--And totally incompatible
By Cheesemoo
On Wed May 25, 2016 06:44 PM
I was in a very similar situation! Mine even involved an international trip as well. I'm extremely extroverted and all of my long-term goals revolve around people, he was the most introverted person I know and ALWAYS preferred being alone to being with anyone, even me. He was an intensely Christian creationist with conservative values, I'm a liberal hippy with vague at best religious beliefs. He was an engineer, I a philosophy major. I could go on and on. Polar opposites. But we were in love.

My advice? End it as kindly as you can. It's not gonna work. You're already realizing it. I was in your shoes too and went through the same thing. You can't change him, and you can't change who you are, and the distance will only grow. Yes, it's not a bad thing to be a little different from your partner, but you do not have the same goals, motivations, or living styles. You said it yourself - totally incompatible.

It's a horrible situation and a time in my life that was very difficult. But I promise you can get through this. Message me if you want. <3

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