Forum: Advice / Secrets PG-13

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re: Issues with fianc�©
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster
On Thu Jun 23, 2016 10:51 AM
Thanks for the responses. I appreciate the tough love, without making me feel like garbage. Hah..

I'm pretty convinced that this whole situation can boil down to a substance abuse issue and I'm honestly surprised your therapist hasn't highlighted this more.


Our therapist actually works in an addiction centre at the hospital. We only started to touch on the drinking/partying thing at the end of our last session, but I know we'll get into it a lot more this next session. I'm hoping our therapist can open his eyes, because like I said before, he's surrounded by people at work that are worse than him, so he feels like he's not that bad.

Anon, you've GOT to stop trying to be the "cool girlfriend."


Ugh. I know. It's the unfortunate culture of the company that he works for. The guys do all of the partying, while the spouses are expected to be totally cool with it. The "cooler" you are with the guys getting into all sorts of trouble and ridiculous scenarios, the "better" the spouse you are. Except that whenever the wives/girlfriends get together, all we talk about is how frustrating it all is.

We talked more about things on Tuesday night, and he truly believes that, while driving home drunk was wrong, he only did it because of me. He also doesn't think it's fair that I've lost trust in him because of this, because "he's never cheated on me, and never will" (totally irrelevant). He also just doesn't like the "sound" of me not having trust in him, he thinks I should use different words to describe it because me not having trust in him makes him feel bad. I tried to explain that, especially after this last incident, he needs a better plan when he goes out drinking. Figuring it out at the end of the night, and expecting me to just trust him isn't going to fly anymore. He told me that I need to be more generous with my time and offer to come pick him up at the end of the night, if I want to make sure he has a plan to get home, but most of these nights happen on weeknights, and I don't feel that it's fair to expect me to wait up until 1:30 or 2am to come pick him up when he's decided he's done partying when I have to work the next day. If I asked him to be done at a specific time so I don't have to wait as long, he'd say that I'm pressuring him and that he isn't having fun. He also believes that I'm just latching on to the whole drunk driving thing as an excuse to not be ok with him going out, that I'm using this to manipulate him into not going out or not having a good time when he is out.

In July, there's a big event with his work that lasts over 2 and a half weeks. He basically told me that I need to be prepared for him to go a bunch during that time. I told him that I don't mind him staying for a few casual drinks after work, but we really need to be careful about the money we're spending with the wedding coming up and my bachelorette party at the end of July. He told me that he couldn't make any promises.

I'm just so so so frustrated. :?
re: Issues with fiancé
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Jun 23, 2016 06:39 PM
During that two and a half weeks (!!!), go home and visit your mom. Shut your phone off. You don't have to deal with this. You didn't agree to marry the entire company. The first year my husband worked at his company (that he's still employed by), he left the Christmas party THROWING UP DRUNK. I earned the reputation of being the girl who's "pretty cool, but kind of freaks out sometimes", because I was pissed and I didn't care if he knew, or if everybody else in the company knew. I'm petrified of being around someone who's throwing up, and my husband knows that. Screw him and his work reputation, I'll yell if I want to.

Know what he's never done again since? Gotten that drunk. EVER.

Who cares if your guy doesn't like that you get upset? If he wanted a Stepford Wife, he should have gotten one of those. You're entitled to your opinions. You say that you know you have to stop just blindly going along with all of this, and then in the very next breath - you go along with all of it.

If he doesn't lose you over his alcoholism, he needs to. If the therapist doesn't seem to bringing it up, you need to really be pushing the point.
re: Issues with fiancé
By d4jmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Jun 23, 2016 09:07 PM
This guy is simply brilliant in his ability to manipulate you to his advantage.... or maybe he isn't that brilliant at all, seems all he has to do is state his point of view and you go along. You need to learn to be ok with holding your ground and having your opinion even if it means he thinks you are wrong, uptight, not cool, non-understanding, etc. Because that is what he is going to do over and over, you will state your point of view until he says hey you're a ball and chain and then you back off. And that is what he is setting you up for this next big event - he's warning you ahead of time nt to be the old ball and chain. But you're not that at all, you are being reasonable and you are in the right. Dani's right, you need some distance when the event comes up. Or do you want to keep dancing the same dance? Stand up for what you know is right, we've got your back! Hugs~
re: Issues with fianc�©
By foreverlostmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Jun 24, 2016 11:44 AM
Edited by foreverlost (84609) on 2016-06-24 11:46:01
***"He also doesn't think it's fair that I've lost trust in him because of this, because "he's never cheated on me, and never will"

If he believes that is the only part of a relationship where trust should be held he is extremely mistaken and very juvenile in his thinking.

***"He told me that I need to be more generous with my time and offer to come pick him up at the end of the night, if I want to make sure he has a plan to get home, but most of these nights happen on weeknights, and I don't feel that it's fair to expect me to wait up until 1:30 or 2am to come pick him up when he's decided he's done partying when I have to work the next day."

You are right. It isn't fair. You are his partner. You ARE NOT his babysitter or rideshare company. Picking him up every weekend is enabling his behavior and stating that you are okay with the situation as long as he isn't driving.

***"I told him that I don't mind him staying for a few casual drinks after work, but we really need to be careful about the money we're spending with the wedding coming up and my bachelorette party at the end of July. He told me that he couldn't make any promises."

So he is willing to sacrifice something that is important to you just to get his fix?

I'm sorry OP for what I am going to say but i feel like being brutally honest may be the only way to help. This guy has no respect or care for your feelings. He doesn't like you expressing your feelings because it "makes him feel bad". Thus demonstrating he only cares about himself. He is not respectful of your sleep, your financial situation, your work schedule, or your relationship. It seems like he feels that he should be able to do whatever he pleases and just use you for rides and company when he is not out partying.

Sometimes in relationships, especially marriages, you have to sacrifice on both ends. It just seems like he has yet to make a single sacrifice lately for you. Don't get me wrong here, I am not out to solely bash this guy or you. Obviously you guys have had a good bond at some point, it just seems like he is more concerned about himself and the party right now.

If you Google the 5 most common behavior traits of an addict they are:
1. They lie or make false promises
2.They manipulate those closest to them
3.They are likely to engage in criminal acts (IE drunk driving)
4.They shift the blame onto others ("Your making me feel bad")
5. They are likely to become abusive


I'm not saying he is #5. I pray to god that he is not and never will be. I am not a mental health expert, just a girl who has had her string of bad relationships before finding her prince charming. I strongly urge you to see a counselor alone as well as couples counseling.

Remember marriage is for better or for worse. Every one has a different brand of worse. Please ask yourself if you can really be his wife during his worst?
re: Issues with fiancé
By Live_on_Broadway
On Tue Jun 28, 2016 11:45 PM
...coming out of lurkdom because damn, girl! After reading this I wanna give you a giant internet hug!

anonymous wrote:

He also doesn't think it's fair that I've lost trust in him because of this, because "he's never cheated on me, and never will" (totally irrelevant). He also just doesn't like the "sound" of me not having trust in him, he thinks I should use different words to describe it because me not having trust in him makes him feel bad.


No, you lost trust in him because he said he would be home at a certain time and he wasn't. He also said he was okay to drive home and he wasn't. Not to mention the completely inappropriate texts with the co-worker. I hate to say it, but he should feel bad.

anonymous wrote:

I tried to explain that, especially after this last incident, he needs a better plan when he goes out drinking. Figuring it out at the end of the night, and expecting me to just trust him isn't going to fly anymore. He told me that I need to be more generous with my time and offer to come pick him up at the end of the night, if I want to make sure he has a plan to get home, but most of these nights happen on weeknights, and I don't feel that it's fair to expect me to wait up until 1:30 or 2am to come pick him up when he's decided he's done partying when I have to work the next day.


Or he can be a big boy and take a cab, public transit, or stay sober so he can drive himself.

anonymous wrote:

In July, there's a big event with his work that lasts over 2 and a half weeks. He basically told me that I need to be prepared for him to go a bunch during that time. I told him that I don't mind him staying for a few casual drinks after work, but we really need to be careful about the money we're spending with the wedding coming up and my bachelorette party at the end of July. He told me that he couldn't make any promises.


Wow. I get that partying is part of his work culture, but your relationship (soon to be marriage!) should be a top priority. If my partner told me that my job/lifestyle was negatively affecting our relationship and slowly eroding the trust between us, you can be damn sure that I'd do something to change it. He says he "can't make any promises"? Ouch. :/


I know there's a lot I don't know about your fiancé, and I'm sure he's wonderful in a lot of other ways, otherwise you wouldn't be with him. But the actions you've described here, and his apparent unwillingness to take responsibility or make any changes would be cause me to seriously re-evaluate the relationship.

I'm so glad to hear you're already in counselling. In your next few sessions, you need to bring up everything you've typed here -- the work culture, the inappropriate texts, the drinking and driving, and the expectation of being a "cool" spouse. These things are poisoning your relationship, and something's got to give.

*massive internet hugs*
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