Forum: Advice / Secrets PG-13

I cleaned my boyfriends room and bathroom and I am completely disgusted.
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Mon Jun 13, 2016 10:50 PM

We have been together a little over a year and the majority of that was long distance. We met right before I left for an 8month internship that turned into a year long internship.

I had spent a lot of time at his house and I already knew that it was dirty. It is an old house and he has extended family that lives here and they really don't take care of it. His mom has a lot of medical (physical and mental health) issues and she basically stays in bed all day.

Here is the thing.

The house is DISGUSTING. I mean literally.

I could kind of let the rest of it pass but today I decided to clean up his room and bathroom because I have been staying here due to the most idiotic fight I am currently in with my mom (which is where I was living before my internship). BTW We are both 25.

Well now after cleaning a little I realized just how absolutely FILTHY his room and bathroom were and I am so disgusted.

He works really hard. I get that. He has an extremely physically demanding job that he got at 18 because his father died in his sleep very unexpectedly and so my BF had to step and support the family.

But at the same time, I am looking for someone to spend my life with and I just cannot understand how someone can live like this.

My room at home is trashed as in filled with boxes and things because of my mother (part of the fight we are in) but it isn't dirty and grimy as in health hazard dirty, just cluttered.

I don't know what I'm looking for but I'm sitting here completely unable to comprehend that level of filth and someone being ok with living like that.

It feels like since I did it, all the other "issues" i've had that I just pushed aside are pushing their way forward.

I don't know if I'm reading to much into this or what. I just needed to let this out somewhere.

5 Replies to I cleaned my boyfriends room and bathroom and I am completely disgusted.

re: I cleaned my boyfriends room and bathroom and I am completely disgusted.
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jun 13, 2016 11:05 PM
So, this is one of those "price of admission" sort of quandaries.

He doesn't do house work. He doesn't appear to care if the house work gets done. He has zero concerns about the condition of his house. He's not going to do it, he's not going to help you do it. Ever. If he's not done it for 25 years and it's worked alright, he's not going to start tomorrow.

So...are you OK with doing every single ounce of the housework? For the rest of eternity? Knowing that it doesn't make a flying bit of difference for him, that he couldn't possibly care less?

If the answer is yes, well, first, I'd ask you to reconsider (and I say that being the lousy house keeper in the relationship). Then I'd ask you to figure out who makes the best sponges, and whether you prefer Clorox to the store brand, cause you'll need to know, for the rest of your life!

If the answer is no, then there's no shame in that either. A lot of relationships break down because of a fundamental flaw like this. One person wants kids, one doesn't. One thinks a layer of film so thick you have to use a chisel to get it off is cool, one thinks that's gross. Happens all the time.
re: I cleaned my boyfriends room and bathroom and I am completely disgusted. (karma: 1)
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jun 14, 2016 07:57 AM
I think you should cut them some slack.

Mom is disabled, he works incredibly long hours at a job that takes a lot out of him, and he's had to be the breadwinner at an extremely young age. When you're poor and you only have so much energy at the end of the day, stuff slides, whether you necessarily want it to or not. What about the rest of the family? If they're able-bodied and have the time, I would be more mad at them than your BF or his mom. (And I think it's a touch hypocritical that you say your room at home is a mess too. Yes, there's a difference between messy and dirty, but it's not like you have a pathological need for organization.)

I don't necessarily think you're doomed to a filthy house forever if you move in together (maybe if your bf's job situation changes so that he's not doing manual labor all day he'll be able to help more), but if cleaning is your priority, either make time for it or hire someone else to do it.
re: I cleaned my boyfriends room and bathroom and I am completely disgusted.
By kandykanePremium member
On Wed Jun 15, 2016 12:57 AM
^ Agreed. If you are in this for the long run, hire a housekeeper for the bulk of the work and get on with more important things. It'll be money well spent.

kk~
re: I cleaned my boyfriends room and bathroom and I am completely disgusted.
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster
On Wed Jun 15, 2016 10:39 AM
Thank you everyone, I really appreciate you insight.

I think that there have always been things in the back of my head that I don't know if they are REAL issues, or if it is just me looking for the cracks.
re: I cleaned my boyfriends room and bathroom and I am completely disgusted.
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Wed Jun 15, 2016 12:34 PM
As someone with several chronic illnesses, a very physically and mentally demanding job which requires long hours, plus having to help support disabled parents - I think you need to cut him some slack. I won't lie - there have been times where I haven't vacuumed in ages, I can't remember the last time I cleaned my shower and right now in actually in too much pain to bend down to the dishwasher.

My husband is incredibly understanding - he makes it easy for me and in a way that we spend time together. We'll do the dishes together - I rinse them, hand them to him and he puts them in the dishwasher. It's actually a stress reliever that way because we are talking and joking and enjoying ourselves. When it comes to the washing, he gives me the small jobs - collecting the dirty washing, sorting them and putting the load on. He then will do the most physical taking it out, taking it outside to put on the clothes line to dry and bringing it in after. I leave a bottle of spray shower cleaner in the shower - I'll spray and give a quick scrub and then rinse it while I'm in the shower already.

Plus, once your house is already a mess the task seems too mentally overwhelming and can be so easy to pretend the rubbish doesn't exist. Try making it a regular joint activity. Pick a room every weekend and start small then it's just maintainence on top of it. Ask him you'll help out if he can do the small things - rinsing his plate when he's done eating or simply wiping up crumbs that may be left over.

It sounds like he has a lot on his plate and when my husband first started doing big massive cleans around me - I felt so guilty. So guilty it made me feel worse, I didn't open up to him, hid in my room and it caused a fight.

ReplySendWatch

Powered by XP Experience Server.
Copyright ©1999-2019 XP.COM, LLC. All Rights Reserved.
XL
LG
MD
SM
XS
XL
LG
MD
SM
XS