Forum: Advice / Secrets PG-13

I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Jun 17, 2016 09:06 AM

I need help. I feel so stuck and I don't know what to do. I have never done this before.

I moved to a new city to be with my boyfriend in December. We met online randomly through a group in Oct 2014, Met in real life Jan 2016, and started officially dating April 2015 (though unofficially it was March 2016).

I could go on and on but I am just going to point form.

- He does next to no house work. Example we have friend coming over tomorrow and he has not even vacuumed so I get to spend my day off today cleaning the whole house.
- He doesn't care if he is late to work.
- I moved here and left my job so he could stay working in his field that he apparently loved oh so much but all he does is complain.
- He wants to split everything 50/50 in terms of money even though he makes more then me.
- Family is whatever to him and everything to me.
- I get no privacy. I tried watching a video the other day and he got upset because I wouldn't tell him what I was watching. It was on the topic of being productive while depressed. It was something personal I wanted to watch along but apparently I can't have that any more.
- His life is video games. I get home from work and he is so into his games he won't even say hi to me.
- That also leads to him doing no house work. I will be out of the house for nearly 10 hours with working and my commute and then I have to come home and clean up after him.
- He never plans date nights. Ever. If I want to be treated to something I better plan it myself.
- Our sex life is basically non existent. We used to have sex 3-4 times a week. Now I am lucky if we have it 1-2 times a month.
- If I am in a rush or we are running late he seems to move slower then normal. I ask him to pick up the pace and he says "I'm not going to run" and continues to be slow. He doesn;t care if I am late.
- He is VERY unhealthy. He drinks 2-4 bottles of coke zero a day and chips and other crap every day. I don't mind people being over weight, I am not the thinnest, but when he is sitting there shirtless with his gut hanging over while playing video games and stuffing his face with junk food and pop every day, it is a turn off.

So I work full time, am basically a full time maid, he ignores me when I am home for his video games, doesn't care about being late, doesn't care that I am broke, complains about his job non stop even though it is what he wants to be doing and what I quit my job for him to do, and I feel like he doesnt even find me desirable anymore.

On top of that, I am finding myself trying to pick up new hobbies and trying to volunteer just so I can be happy again. I don't like this city, I don't like my job, I don't like this relationship, so now I have to find ways to make myself happy and none of them involve him.

I am thinking I will talk with him tonight and say this relationship is not working and either we work together to change it or I am leaving.

The problem is, I don't know how to leave.

I am in a lease here until next April, I have zero savings because it is so expensive for me to live in this town, I am suppose to go to a wedding with him this summer and it is VERY expensive because they are doing it at a resort and I don't want to leave him stuck paying it all, I know he could afford this place on his own but his money would be tight and there is no room for a room mate. And what about me? I would have to move out and that would be awkward and I need to give two weeks notice at work so do I do that before I break up with him and then get my family to help me pack so I can move out in 1 day?

So I would have to basically screw him over and move back in with my mom. Even now when I think about leaving him I put more thought into how to help him through it then he has ever put into this relationship.

I am so over this. I am not happy and all I do is cry. I just don't know how to leave because I do care about him and I don't want to leave him up a creek without a paddle, but at the same time I have been living pay cheque to pay cheque while he has enjoyed life because he doesnt think it is fair for him to pay more rent when he brings in almost 70% of the household income.

Can someone help me? Usually when I break up with someone we have only been dating a couple months. Now I am living with him and I don't know what to do!

24 Replies to I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do

re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do
By majeremember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jun 17, 2016 09:48 AM
anonymous wrote:

And what about me? I would have to move out and that would be awkward and I need to give two weeks notice at work so do I do that before I break up with him and then get my family to help me pack so I can move out in 1 day?


Yes. Give the notice first. That is what I would do.

Though, I don't think there is a right or a wrong way to do this.
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do
By ChristinePremium member
On Sun Jun 19, 2016 10:17 PM
Honesty is really the best policy, even if it makes you uncomfortable.

"I am so unhappy with so many things, I can't see myself sticking this out until the lease expires. How do you feel about living alone?" ...conversation starter.

If you are done with him there is no point in going into the particulars, especially if it seems there is no hope of change. If you stick it out, you are going to hate him and your situation even more than you do now.

If there is hope that things could improve and you might feel differently about him if they did, be specific in your conversation. "I feel like we don't connect like we used to. We need to work on improving our level of intimacy or there is really no point in me trying to adjust to this city and my job."
A simple thing like "date night" might lead to improvement. If you two can't find one evening a week to share something you both enjoy, what is the point?

If the worst thing to happen was that you moved back home and the boyfriend insisted you still pay your half of the rent, would that be so awful? Not as awful as staying in a situation where you resent the boyfriend and your job and are a year older when April comes 'round. We've all made bad financial decisions from time to time. This is June. If boyfriend doesn't step up the plate why do you care about him having to live with less spending money? It seems like all he does is play video games anyway. If you had to give him half the rent for 10 months, believe me, you'd get over the feeling that you somehow let him down.

Frankly, I think you're being entirely too generous. He won't help you with finances, won't help you with household duties, and is emotionally unavailable. I think it's time for you to care about yourself as much as you worry about him bearing the consequences of his own selfishness.

Hugs... I know this is hard.

I wish you the best....xoxo

Keep On Dancing*
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do
By ChristinePremium member
On Wed Jun 22, 2016 07:51 PM
It's been 5 days since you posted and I am hopeful that perhaps when you wrote your post you were venting and perhaps now are feeling better about things.

Again, I have been thinking of you and your post. I try to imagine what I would tell my daughter if this were her post and I had loving feelings for the boy involved.

I re-read your concerns and I think there are a few things that might be practical elements to address.


I moved to a new city to be with my boyfriend in December. We met online randomly through a group in Oct 2014, Met in real life Jan 2016, and started officially dating April 2015 (though unofficially it was March 2016).


Is this a typo? The "real life" meeting? According to this, you met a month after you moved in with him and started unofficially started dating 3 months later... I am confused.



- He does next to no house work. Example we have friend coming over tomorrow and he has not even vacuumed so I get to spend my day off today cleaning the whole house.


This is a common Mars/Venus complaint. Making a list of chores that need to be done and leaving it on the kitchen counter is a good way to address this. You can make a notation next to the chores you assume and leave the ones you feel he should do blank. It is one way to start the conversation and when it is in black and white the division of labor is more evident.

- He doesn't care if he is late to work.


Unless you are his boss, not for you to address. MYOB. I HATE it when my husband keeps inventory of my faults. Take the splinter out of your own eye before pointing out the splinter in his.

- I moved here and left my job so he could stay working in his field that he apparently loved oh so much but all he does is complain.


Two separate issues. Your resentment of leaving your job is something you have to work out. I suspect you didn't expect to resent it so much, but now you do. Unfortunately, this is not his fault, unless he BEGGED you to do so and made promises he did not keep in order to convince you to make this choice.

As to his complaining, many of us complain about jobs we love. We vent to those we live with because it is a safe place to blow off steam. I tell my family, you must say one good thing before you can say something negative. It could just be a bad habit. For most of us, things rarely turn out the way we imagine they will. Just because the shine is off the apple with his work doesn't mean he hates it, it just means he trusts you enough to listen to his disappointment with the reality of his job which didn't turn out to be the way he'd idealized it.

- He wants to split everything 50/50 in terms of money even though he makes more then me.


Was this your arrangement before you moved in together? Have you tried to re-negotiate it since? Unfortunately, in many relationships, this is the understanding. If it is a deal breaker for you, honestly, break the deal now. Many things happen in the financial lives of couples. If he lost his job, would he still pay his half of the bills? If you became sick and unable to work, would he step up and pay the expenses? These are important parts of financial understandings and if you didn't clarify these at the start they NEED to be addressed now. This is the #1 stressor in most relationships...MONEY! Work it out now... If he still insists on a 50/50 split, you may find this is more than money...it may be revealing of his character (or yours) in a way that is not comfortable.

- Family is whatever to him and everything to me.


Unless he insists that you change, this is not for you to address now. You don't have children, so his attitude about his family of origin is not really something you can fairly judge. He may have good reasons to be distant from his family, just as you have good reasons to be close to yours. Live and let live.

- I get no privacy. I tried watching a video the other day and he got upset because I wouldn't tell him what I was watching. It was on the topic of being productive while depressed. It was something personal I wanted to watch along but apparently I can't have that any more.


Living with others is hard. ALWAYS! College roommates often start out as best friends and become enemies. When you agree to share a space, you automatically sacrifice some privacy. Again, your resentment is palpable...
but apparently I can't have that any more.
Couldn't you just say,(sweetly....) "It's a sensitive topic that is kind of personal. I'd like to watch it alone and digest it ... you understand, don't you.?"

- His life is video games. I get home from work and he is so into his games he won't even say hi to me.


A common side effect of video games which can be as addictive as any drug. Stand in front of the monitor and say, "I'M HOME! Aren't you glad to see me!!!" You are building a huge sack full of resentment and it isn't helpful. He is inconsiderate, but when you gunny sack all of this all that happens is when the sack if full, you feel you've earned a good cry or even a tantrum, but he is clueless and frankly, you might seem like a bitch if he has no clue that little things are building up. SPEAK UP!


- That also leads to him doing no house work. I will be out of the house for nearly 10 hours with working and my commute and then I have to come home and clean up after him.


Don't clean up after him. Clean up after yourself. He is an adult. If you continue to treat him like an irresponsible child, he will never pull his weight.

- He never plans date nights. Ever. If I want to be treated to something I better plan it myself.


Say, "I would LOVE it if you would plan a surprise date night for us. It would make me feel loved and appreciated....." He is not a mind reader. If you don't tell him you want this, will he know? If you have told him and he refuses, again, this may be a deal breaker. You haven't been together that long and if he flat out refuses to try, what is the point of staying together over a lease?

- Our sex life is basically non existent. We used to have sex 3-4 times a week. Now I am lucky if we have it 1-2 times a month.

Sex.... for many marriages,tied with #1 with money problems. And frankly, this needs to be fixed right away. Is this a symptom of the rest of what is wrong, or is it a matter of different libido? When you are so miserable all the time how can you expect that your relationship is going to be as vibrant as it was when you were happy? There are two people in that bed. If you want to have sex, initiate it. This is a really important element of intimate adult relationships and you are kidding yourself if you think this is his fault entirely. Relationships are hard and take work... you need to address this if you want change.

- If I am in a rush or we are running late he seems to move slower then normal. I ask him to pick up the pace and he says "I'm not going to run" and continues to be slow. He doesn;t care if I am late.


Simply say, "I hate being late... you know this. It is rude to keep people waiting, it says they don't matter.... PLEASE!" Something he can work on improving. A bad habit, but not exactly a character flaw... yet!

- He is VERY unhealthy. He drinks 2-4 bottles of coke zero a day and chips and other crap every day. I don't mind people being over weight, I am not the thinnest, but when he is sitting there shirtless with his gut hanging over while playing video games and stuffing his face with junk food and pop every day, it is a turn off.


Sadly, he is an adult. If he wants to drink soda, you don't have to. As to the "turn off"... well, this may be part of the problem with your sex life. And honestly, you might consider this carefully if you think you are going to just stick it out until April and you are actually just not in love with him anymore.

So I work full time, am basically a full time maid, he ignores me when I am home for his video games, doesn't care about being late, doesn't care that I am broke, complains about his job non stop even though it is what he wants to be doing and what I quit my job for him to do, and I feel like he doesnt even find me desirable anymore.

On top of that, I am finding myself trying to pick up new hobbies and trying to volunteer just so I can be happy again. I don't like this city, I don't like my job, I don't like this relationship, so now I have to find ways to make myself happy and none of them involve him.


Your summary sounds resentful and hopeless. If this is how you really feel all the time, why wait until April? If this is a product of your depression and dissatisfaction, don't let this fester. Each of these issues needs to be isolated and sorted out without blame or recriminations.

I am thinking I will talk with him tonight and say this relationship is not working and either we work together to change it or I am leaving.

The problem is, I don't know how to leave.


I hope you have talked, and I hope things are better. I think there is every chance that you two CAN make a good life together if you do love each other. Your problems are not much different than those most other couples face much of the time.

If you can't work things out, and if you don't love each other, PLEASE... don't wait until April. It will be hurtful and destructive to you both and it will take you YEARS to recover.

If you are done, be done. Find a way to work out a financial settlement on the lease, and part now. Life is too short to torture yourself. Or him.

xoxo I hope things work out for the best. xoxo

Keep On Dancing*
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster
On Wed Jun 22, 2016 09:48 PM
We talked and nothing got better.

The thing is, I WOULD tell him nicely "can you please move a little faster? We need to be there in 10 minutes and you know I don't like being late". Wouldn't matter. I would try to imitate sex. Wouldn't matter. He says he needs an emotional connection for sex and because I was also so bitter about things he never wanted to do it. If I don't clean up after him then we have friends coming over to a dirty kitchen, clothes all over the living room, pop bottles everywhere, and a dirty bathroom. I am not okay with this and he knows it. I told him multiple times I take pride in having a clean and tidy house.

We argued/talked over 3 days and at the end of it we called it off because we could not agree on anything. He says my mental issues (depression and anxiety) were effecting things and I refused to get help which made it worse because had I just taken sleeping meds and gone to talk to someone I could have helped myself. He said he was not always going to stand up for me with things (an issue with me losing friends because they don't like him). Him saying he shouldn't have to tell me he appreciates when I do things for him even though I told him I like hearing things instead of assuming.

Looking back I know I could have just made the damn chore list (like he wanted) and I could have gone to talk to someone about my mental issues. I guess I felt it would not have made a difference because nothing would have changed at home and that is where my mental health was suffering. I was fine before moving here. He told me I should have just quit my job sine it was causing so much stress, only because we split the bills 50/50 I had no savings which meant looking for a job while being out of the house at work for 10 hours and I started to feel defeated to anything changing or anyone hiring me.

We also sucked at talking to one another. He wanted to go to couples counseling and I said if we need only a year in are things really going to work until year 5?

It sucks because we do care about each other. I cooked us dinner tonight, he brought me home lemonade yesterday because he knows it is my favorite. After I sobbed for 2 hours he came and gave me a big hug because he knew I needed one.

And it sucks because I look back and think of all the things I could have changed easily and I look at where I am and my job and it no longer seems so bad. And part of me wants to stay and try to work it out but another part of me feels I deserve better and I deserve someone who also likes a clean house and will always have my back and will ask if I want any chips before he eats them all, but then part of me feels maybe that isn't how relationships work Maybe there is always something you need to sacrifice.

The arguing started Saturday. It is Wednesday now and I am tired and emotionally drained. I have been crying for 3 days straight and today was the first day I woke up and went pretty much all day without sobbing. I think I am coming more and more to terms with it all though. I am coming to terms with things ending, but not with the fact I need to quit my job, pack all my stuff, move to a different city, sleep at my brothers house, find a new job, somehow make enough to afford a place to live and a deposit, and start everything over again.

My head is very confused with everything and I am really struggling. This weekend I am going to go stay at a hotel and then next week I will start moving out. We both say parts of us want to try again but we don't know if it will make a difference. Maybe going about our own lives for 3 days will help things because more clear. I guess only time will tell.
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster
On Wed Jun 22, 2016 11:42 PM
We talked again for an hour tonight. We agreed I will get a hotel room for 3 nights this weekend so we won't see each other at all Fri, Sat, Sun, or Mon until 11pm. I will be setting up the air mattress in the crafting room and sleeping in there instead of 1 person on the couch.

After our chat I came out to get some cheezies wince I bought those and a bag of chips for us to snack on. Comfort food and all that. I came out to an empty bag. He ate the bag of cheezies without asking if I wanted any. He said he left the chips for since I like that kind.

It is SO stupid, I know, it is snack food, but it drives me crazy that he doesn't ask if I want things before he eats/uses them. My mom is the most giving person in the world and always makes sure everyone else is taken care of as well as herself. It is something I have adopted because it takes two seconds to ask if someone wants a snack before eating all of it and then both people will be happy. To me it is so simple, but he just isn't that way. He sees what he wants and he takes it. It is how he was raised. It is who he is.

I know a chore list would help with a clean house, but it is the little things that will continue to annoy me.

My gut is telling me this won't work. I know this won't work. We are too different. We both agreed tonight that we want to stay friends after this is all over. After we take some time to heal and stuff first.

It is still hard to walk away even though I know it is best. It is painful and hard because we did start building a life together. We bought furniture together, we set up our patio together, all our stuff is mixed together in the crafting room and with movies and video games and stuff. But I just don't think we were went to be.

We did have good times together. Walking around the farmers market then eating Popsicles in the shade. Picnics. Cooking together. Shopping for stuff together. Decorating for Christmas. I just... I don't know. He is an amazing guy and I will always care for him, but I think he can find someone better suited for him and I can find someone better suited for me.

This is so hard.
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do
By schuhplattlerPremium member
On Thu Jun 23, 2016 07:35 AM
Stable datum: An addict does worse than not care. An addict actively refuses to care.

Therefore, above all else, your boyfriend needs to get off alcohol (and, if he is on drugs, he needs to get off those as well). If he doesn't, that is the deal breaker, even at this late stage.

If I knew what city you were in, I could help you find an effective treatment center - one that handles the very cause of addiction without drugs.
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Jun 23, 2016 08:20 AM
schuhplattler wrote:

If I knew what city you were in, I could help you find an effective treatment center - one that handles the very cause of addiction without drugs.


Please don't take him up on this offer--he's just going to refer you/your BF to a cult. Besides that, it's not your responsibility to make him get help for any problems he has, percevied or otherwise.

I feel you on the snack issue, and I know it's not really about the snacks. It's that he didn't care enough to realize it was important to you. I'm sorry things didn't happen the way you had hoped, but I really think you're doing the right thing. You may have had some good times but this is something that's just not working out, and that's ok.
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do (karma: 2)
By Kekoamember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Jun 23, 2016 08:58 AM
Put in your notice and leave. It shouldn't be this hard in a one year old relationship, and it's not going to get better.

I don't know that I really believe that couples should have to "work" at their relationship period (there's a difference between prioritizing your significant other during hard times and actually having to work at not hating them), but you sure as hell shouldn't have to do it in the honeymoon stage. I have a friend who started dating a guy four years ago and would talk about all the things they had to work on...communication, intimacy, respect, etc. And they'd been dating for a year. Three years later, it's still constant work for her, and all I can think is how much harder it will be when they get married and have kids.

These early days are supposed to be lighthearted and enjoyable, a foundation to get you through future hardships. If it sucks now, run. Leave. He'll find a roommate, and a year from now you both will be much happier.
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do
By ChristinePremium member
On Thu Jun 23, 2016 09:40 AM
I am sorry the outcome is sad. That said, I am glad it's over since you feel the way you do.

Most of us learn more from our mistakes than from our successes. Hopefully you will go forward with a wise sense of who will make you happy and what you want to invest in a relationship.

I must commend you for your ability to be strong and do what is right for you.

I wish you the very best.

Keep On Dancing*
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Thu Jun 23, 2016 09:58 AM
Edited by hummingbird (128773) on 2016-06-23 10:52:54 Lets see if this fixes the mark up code
Edited by hummingbird (128773) on 2016-06-23 10:54:14 One more fix
schuhplattler wrote:

If I knew what city you were in, I could help you find an effective treatment center - one that handles the very cause of addiction without drugs.


anonymous wrote:

Please don't take him up on this offer--he's just going to refer you/your BF to a cult. Besides that, it's not your responsibility to make him get help for any problems he has, percevied or otherwise.


Thank you for saying this. People are most vulnerable to cults when they are confused and hopeless. The OP has enough to straighten out in her own head, she doesn't need Scientology.

When people are put in solitary confinement in prison, they are given a Bible. The usually either go crazy or become Christians. This isn't to bash Scientology or Born Again Bible Beaters, but it is a fact.
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do
By ChristinePremium member
On Thu Jun 23, 2016 10:17 AM
schuhplattler wrote:

Stable datum: An addict does worse than not care. An addict actively refuses to care.

Therefore, above all else, your boyfriend needs to get off alcohol (and, if he is on drugs, he needs to get off those as well). If he doesn't, that is the deal breaker, even at this late stage.

If I knew what city you were in, I could help you find an effective treatment center - one that handles the very cause of addiction without drugs.


Kind Sir,

I mean no disrespect, but NOWHERE in the OP's post did she indicate her boyfriend was a drinker or a drug user.

She wrote:
- He is VERY unhealthy. He drinks 2-4 bottles of coke zero a day and chips and other crap every day. I don't mind people being over weight, I am not the thinnest, but when he is sitting there shirtless with his gut hanging over while playing video games and stuffing his face with junk food and pop every day, it is a turn off.


I likened the effect of video games on the brain to addiction. If I was out of line, and I may have been, I apologize to all concerned. The OP, her boyfriend, and you.

Keep On Dancing*
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do
By schuhplattlerPremium member
On Thu Jun 23, 2016 06:37 PM
In any event, he is an addict if only to video games, junk food, and cokes. Get this condition treated somewhere - anywhere.
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster
On Sat Jun 25, 2016 12:16 PM
He doesn't have an addiction to anything. He plays video games with his friends because his friends are not in the same city so to him it is a form of socializing. And he has actually cut down on the amount of pop he drinks and upped his veggie intake since we moved in together because he says he wants to be healthier, especially since I am fairly health conscience.

I wish this was not my first major break up because then I would know if these feelings are normal.

4 days ago at work I had to go through a month of receipts to pull certain ones and photocopy them. It sucked because it was suppose to be done each day by night audit but they didn't do it so we had to while also working the front desk and answering the phones. All I wanted to do was to message him and tell him about it and have him tell me it will be okay and I will home soon and then we can relax with snacks and a movie to destress.

2 days ago at work we had an incident and we had to call the police. Myself and my co-worker had to go to the back while the managers all handled it our front. Again I just wanted to message him instead of keeping my feelings bottled up and when I got home all I wanted to do was cuddle him and have him rub my back (he rubs my back to help my anxiety calm down and to help me sleep).

Yesterday while at work I was looking forward to the weekend away on my own. I packed up stuff for baths and went and finally got a library card and got some books I had been wanting to read. I am staying close to some shops so I was going to go walk around and try to take my time and destress. As soon as I got to the hotel though I just felt sad and anxious. I want to go to the shops and look at the rescue cats but I keep thinking about how I want him there. It is nice having a bed to myself but I can't help but want him here to cuddle with.

The other night we both just wanted to cuddle with one another but we decided it was best not to. We both agreed that it doesn't feel real because we both just want to keep doing things for the other person and we keep asking if the other person needs stuff from the store when we run out. The only thing that feels different is the longing I have to cuddle up next to him or to grab him from behind or to kiss him.

I HATE how this feels. The fact that I still love him and we still care about each other but not knowing if things will change and I will get what I need.

I am learning that we see the world very differently. He ate all the cheezies because he knew I love BBQ chips so he left those for me. In his eyes, he was putting me first. In my eyes though it seemed like he didn't care. I did a panel recently at an event and before it started my friend's bf stayed and helped set up and made sure she was okay with water and stuff. My guy left the room and said he would be back later. To me that felt like he didn't support me. Turns out he was walking around telling people about our panel since I had done that for him at a previous event so in his eyes he was very supportive.

It is difficult when two people see the world very differently. Part of me feels that with communication we can learn what the other needs and do that even if it wouldn't have been the first thing we thought of doing for them. But part of me worries that communication won't help and we will be back here in a month.

I am very lost right now and I feel like I don't have enough time to figure it out.

We are both also worried that I will move out and THEN we will decide to try and make it work and I will be in a different city already.

I just don't know what to do.
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do
By schuhplattlerPremium member
On Sat Jun 25, 2016 01:53 PM
He doesn't have an addiction to anything. He plays video games with his friends because his friends are not in the same city so to him it is a form of socializing. And he has actually cut down on the amount of pop he drinks and upped his veggie intake since we moved in together because he says he wants to be healthier,

Excellent! I must have inferred too much in what you said earlier.

So I'll bow out of this thread.
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do (karma: 1)
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Jun 25, 2016 08:39 PM
Your original post:

He is VERY unhealthy. He drinks 2-4 bottles of coke zero a day and chips and other crap every day. I don't mind people being over weight, I am not the thinnest, but when he is sitting there shirtless with his gut hanging over while playing video games and stuffing his face with junk food and pop every day, it is a turn off.


Your most recent post:

And he has actually cut down on the amount of pop he drinks and upped his veggie intake since we moved in together because he says he wants to be healthier, especially since I am fairly health conscience.


Your original post:

- His life is video games. I get home from work and he is so into his games he won't even say hi to me.


Your most recent:

He plays video games with his friends because his friends are not in the same city so to him it is a form of socializing.


So look, either this stuff is OK, or it isn't. You sounded pretty put off with it initially, and then by the end, it's all perfectly fine, and you're explaining it away. If you're fine, and all of this is awesome, then what are we doing here? "Talk me through breaking up with my boyfriend" and "I need to vent and don't have anywhere else to do it", are pretty different problems, and a lot of the responses in this thread would probably change, based on which one we're talking about.
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster
On Sat Jun 25, 2016 09:06 PM
Well of course I am going to defend him if someone is telling me he is an addict and needs therapy!

Yeah he drinks 2-4 pops a day instead of 6 like he used to and yes he eats salad a couple times a week more. And yes he plays with his friends from out of town. Doesn't mean that it doesn't bother me when he sits on his computer upwards of 6 hours a night eating chips, drinking pop, and playing games. He is not an addict though because he has no problem going to real life events for the weekend or seeing friends in person. It is the fact that he spends more bloody time on the computer playing games with his friends then he does spending time with me.

And I am not asking for all his time, but when he is on there for 6 hours and then goes to bed and all we did was eat dinner together for 10 minutes, I get pissed off. There are days where I have done my make up extra nice and worn something a little sexier and tried to make moves but he just keeps playing his damn game. This isn't all the time but it is enough to make me feel like I come third to games and his friends and I don't want to feel that way.

Yeah I came here looking for advice because I am beyond lost. I cant ask anyone in real life because I ask my brother his opinion and he says "I never liked him. He seems girly." That doesn't help me.

I have no friends here to go get a coffee with. I am stuck in a hotel room all alone eating microwave meals trying to figure this all out and I don't know what to do.

So yes, I am going to defend him when someone makes ridiculous accusations about him because I do care about him.
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sun Jun 26, 2016 09:41 PM
Questions-

If you have so many money problems, why are you in a hotel?

When he asked for a list of what housework you want done and you complained about it here, why didn't you just make a list like he asked? Most guys would be confused, dontcha think?

Why did you nix couples counseling ? You say he doesn't care, doesn't support you, blah, blah, but when he tries to change it isn't good enough for you. What do you want?

You work and commute 10 hours a day? Most adults without children do. Lots of people have TWO jobs. You don't make as much money as he does? Sad fact of life in the states. Where do you live?


Everyone here gives you all kinds of advice and support and try to help you based entirely on what YOU wrote and then you back peddle and fill in the story in a way that entirely changes the picture. You don't have to take the advice people offer you, but you get defensive and change your story. Kinda unfair, dontcha think?

Living with him is so bad you need to move into a hotel? But he is a great guy?

Please consider therapy. Your problems seem small compared to your reactions to them. Crying for hours at a time? Therapy would help you with this.
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do
By ChristinePremium member
On Sun Jun 26, 2016 09:54 PM
Theresa wrote:

Your original post:

He is VERY unhealthy. He drinks 2-4 bottles of coke zero a day and chips and other crap every day. I don't mind people being over weight, I am not the thinnest, but when he is sitting there shirtless with his gut hanging over while playing video games and stuffing his face with junk food and pop every day, it is a turn off.


Your most recent post:

And he has actually cut down on the amount of pop he drinks and upped his veggie intake since we moved in together because he says he wants to be healthier, especially since I am fairly health conscience.


Your original post:

- His life is video games. I get home from work and he is so into his games he won't even say hi to me.


Your most recent:

He plays video games with his friends because his friends are not in the same city so to him it is a form of socializing.


So look, either this stuff is OK, or it isn't. You sounded pretty put off with it initially, and then by the end, it's all perfectly fine, and you're explaining it away. If you're fine, and all of this is awesome, then what are we doing here? "Talk me through breaking up with my boyfriend" and "I need to vent and don't have anywhere else to do it", are pretty different problems, and a lot of the responses in this thread would probably change, based on which one we're talking about.


I don't want to pile on here, but these are really valid points. Reading over your previous posts and all the posts of others, I have to wonder if your problem isn't more a matter of homesickness and confusion over your idealized hope in your relationship verses reality.

Regardless of the cause of your acute unhappiness, you have said you are suffering from anxiety and depression. I do wish you would consider the suggestion of therapy. It can't hurt, and it may help you deal with your emotions. You are about to make some life altering decisions, either way. Therapy can help you sort out your needs, desires, and solutions. At the very least, it will give you someone to talk to who can ask you the right questions to guide you in working through your unhappiness. It will also help you feel better about your choices and help you learn to make better decisions in the future.

Good luck. I hope you feel better soon.

Keep On Dancing*
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster
On Mon Jun 27, 2016 01:12 AM
I didn't know I had to give my life story on here in order to ask for help.

I am in a hotel because I work for a hotel company and it is costing me next to nothing to stay here and I needed to clear my head and living with the guy you just broke up with kind of messes you up a bit.

As to where I live? I fail to see how this matters.

And yeah I am not happy about being out of the house for 10 hours a day for work and then having to go home and clean and do the laundry and then not be able to do any hobbies because I don't have the money. Yes I have been looking for a second job but finding something that works with my current hours (starting as early as 5am, ending as late as 11:30pm and never having a consistent schedule and a boss that says this job comes first)is not the easiest. And even if I do get a second job then guess what? I am out of the house even longer with the same amount of work to do at home and then what good is that money? I will never be home which means I can't actually do anything with it. All this while he works a wonderful job mon-fri, does all his hobbies (we have the same hobbies), goes out with friends, and does whatever he wants because he isn't working 50+ hours a week. The real kicker? Even if I added on 15 hours a week at a min wage job, making it so I work 55 hours a week, he would still make more then me.

I admitted in my posts I was stupid and stubborn. I said no a chore list because that is what you do for kids so they get an allowance. Not 32 year old men who can't take initiative to vacuum the house once a week. I said no to couples therapy because you shouldn't need it 1 year into a relationship. If it like this now what the heck will it be like in 5 years? 10 years?

And where did I change my story? Yeah my feelings shifted, so shoot me. And I never said living with him was so bad I needed a hotel. Living with him is difficult right now because I come home and I just want to kiss him and cuddle him and we are not together so I can't exactly be doing that. It is hard emotionally so I had a weekend to myself.

And for the love of god, yes, I defended him against stupid accusations. Apparently I shouldn't do that and shit here and let people say "he is addict! he needs help!" when it isn't true.

I don't even know why I came here for help.

Thanks to those who actually gave me useful advice. I am done with the false accusations though.
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do (karma: 3)
By Nyssasisticmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jun 27, 2016 06:53 AM
So when I was a kid, if I made fun of my siblings it was no big deal. I have to put up with them, I get to complain about them. If anyone else even insinuated something negative about them, it was ON. I *think* the same idea can happen here; I have dealt with the same thing and ended up spending so much time defending my SO that by the end of it I was pretty convinced his bad traits are few and far between. OP, you're allowed to voice your frustration without having to worry about defending your boyfriend. You don't have to justify any of your actions; you are NOT on trial here.

My only piece of advice is that there was some VERY good reasons that you decided to put some distance between you two. Trust yourself, even if you feel differently NOW, remember that there were dealbreakers that came into play and allow those to outweigh your nostalgia and loneliness, sucky as that may be. You're doing the right thing for you, even though it's painful and difficult.

If you really care about him, then it could be a matter of "not right now" instead of "we're totally over". Find a therapist (or even a life coach) that will help YOU be who you want to be, work on figuring out what those dealbreakers are so that IF the relationship ever reconvenes your SO is aware of your bottom line. You can build/compromise/work together after that is set, acknowledged, and respected. Obviously, I think it would be best if your SO did the same thing, but you can't control that.
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jun 27, 2016 05:31 PM
So when I was a kid, if I made fun of my siblings it was no big deal. I have to put up with them, I get to complain about them. If anyone else even insinuated something negative about them, it was ON. I *think* the same idea can happen here; I have dealt with the same thing and ended up spending so much time defending my SO that by the end of it I was pretty convinced his bad traits are few and far between. OP, you're allowed to voice your frustration without having to worry about defending your boyfriend. You don't have to justify any of your actions; you are NOT on trial here.


Since that was pretty squarely aimed at my post, I'll point out - at no point did I name myself judge, jury and executioner on this one. But, again, "talk me through breaking up with my boyfriend" and "I need to complain", would get wildly different responses, and I'd imagine several people on this thread would change their advice, based on which one we started out with.

And this site as a general rule skews really man hate-y. That's not a secret. You have NO. IDEA. how many times the ranks on this site have told me that my husband was abusive and I needed to dump him. It's kind of absurd, how many times. Basically, every anonymous thread I've ever posted. :/
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do (karma: 1)
By Nyssasisticmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jun 27, 2016 11:15 PM
^Actually, I didn't read most of the replies, I just read what the OP wrote and figured that I could draw on personal experience to help her. If I felt like I needed to address you directly, I would have quoted you to make sure there wasn't ambiguity.

People come here to get differing opinions. My advice is shaped by my life and what I've gone through, and I figured I'd add. Didn't mean to detract from anyone else. It's not like your advice wasn't legit, it was just coming from a different POV.
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do (karma: 1)
By ChristinePremium member
On Fri Jul 01, 2016 09:45 PM
Nyssasistic wrote:


People come here to get differing opinions. My advice is shaped by my life and what I've gone through, and I figured I'd add. Didn't mean to detract from anyone else. It's not like your advice wasn't legit, it was just coming from a different POV.


Absolutely.

There seems to be a great deal of emotion developing on this thread.

It is really not fair for anyone to attack anyone else for expressing their opinion, especially when the OP came here looking for advice. I didn't think you attacked T, and for that matter I didn't think anyone attacked the OP or her boyfriend. As T pointed out, the annon boards have, at times, leaned toward the "man haterish" but in this case the only poster who said she should leave him was the OP herself. "So shoot me", seemed a bit harsh considering the DDN members were asked for their input and only had the OP's posts to go on.

It is a risk posters take when choosing the annon option. On one hand, members want to protect their identity, sometimes their families,co workers or studios, or in this case, the other people in their relationships. However, when the reader doesn't have any clue as to the identity of the poster, they may not be able to weigh the posts as kindly or fairly as they might if they knew the posters from their other activity on this site.

I can't help but miss the old days of DDN. When we all tried months ago to get things "going" again, several members noted that they had backed away from DDN because they felt they were constantly under attack and had to parse every. single. word. I've had that experience myself, and I have to say, this is another sad example of what Mendel, just to name one who felt this way, was referring to.

Hugs to all.

Keep On Dancing*
re: I don't think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and I don't know what to do (karma: 1)
By kandykanePremium member
On Sat Jul 02, 2016 01:29 PM
It must be difficult to live with a significant other and not pool your resources. I don't quite understand that concept. It seems if you are committed enough to live together, it should be more couple-y and less roommate-y. And I don't mean just you, I've seen others discuss problems with this type of arrangement. It always seems to weigh more on one person.

It appears you have made your decision, so I won't pile on unwanted advice. I'll just wish you well and hope you find peace.

Hugs, kk~

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