259 Replies to ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
If you need an ear, a pair of eyes, someone in your corner, I am here.
If you need respectful silence and privacy, I can do that too.
The ups and downs of depression and the realities of life...especially at a point in time when random acts of extreme hatred are rampant...are well articulated in your post. You are not alone.
Please know that you are loved. Exponentially.
Keep On Dancing*
Alright folks, I know you're wondering, well Suma, it's great that you realize you're depressed and I get that writing can be a cathartic release, but what are you doing about it?
Well, for starters, this whole gaining weight if I so much as look at food without exercising for like 90 minutes a day is wearing on me. And a lot of the symptoms of depression are also symptoms of thyroid disorders. So step 1 was to get my thyroid tested.
That was... less helpful than I had hoped.
Thyroid Panel with TSH: Venipuncture
TSH: Result 3.120 (Units: uIU/mL; Reference Interval: 0.450 - 4.500)
Thyroxine (T4): Result 8.3 (Units: ug/dL; Reference Interval: 4.5 - 12.0)
T3 Uptake: 23 low (Units: %; Reference Interval 24 - 39)
Free Thyroxine Index: 1.9 (Reference Interval: 1.2 - 4.9)
So the only thing I'm actually low on is my T3, and even then it's only by a point. My TSH is fine, my T4 is fine, my free Thyroxine Index is a little low but within normal ranges. So my thyroid is more or less okay.
But! Google "low T3 depression" and you'll get scores of articles saying, essentially, duh, low T3 and psychiatric depression are like peanut butter and mustard sandwiches. Unlikely partners, but delicious together.
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov . . .
www.hindawi.com . . .
www.health.harvard.edu . . .
(However, in the lovely is it depression or hypothyroid, I squarely fall in the depression camp, though I can claim 3 -4 items on the hypothyroid list too. But I haven't been diagnosed as hypothyroid, though I definitely have some of the traits.)
Okay, so overall my thyroid is chugging away. So, moving onto step 2: adrenals. Interestingly, I've been hypoglycemic (of the severe fainting variety) basically all my life. Hypoglycemia doesn't just present on its own, it's usually a symptom of something more nefarious. 9 times out of 10 it's diabetes. The 1 time out of 10 though, there's another cause, which is frequently hormonal (aka adrenals). Since I've never once in my life tested positive for diabetes (which is a worry since my mom is diabetic), the only other answer is something else is going on. So onward to the adrenal spit test.
ASI: Adrenal Stress Index (Original) - Saliva
TAP Cortisol rhythm (saliva)
06:00 - 08:00AM 14 Normal (ref values: 13-24 nM)
11:00 - 01:00PM 4 Depressed (ref values: 5-10 nM)
04:00 - 05:00PM 5 Normal (ref values: 3-8 nM)
10:00 - Midnight 2 Normal (ref values: 1-4 nM)
Total Cortisol Output 25 (ref values 22 - 46 nM)
The Total Cortisol Output is the sum of the four cortisol values. Elevated values my indicate hypercortisolism or exogenous exposure, and low values suggest adrenal hypofunction.
So my cortisol is borderline low in the morning, falls into depression mind morning/early afternoon, and then decides to kick into high gear when I should be getting ready for bed. Heyo insomnia what?
DHEA Dehydroepiandrosterone [DHEA + DHEA-S] (slaiva)
Single Collection: 5 Normal (ref values: 3-10 ng/ml)
Fasting < 3 (Borderline elevated: 3-11 uIU/mL; Elevated: > 11 uIU/mL)
Non-fasting < 3 (Borderline elevated: 6-25 uIU/mL; Elevated: >25 uIU/mL)
17-OH Progesterone (saliva): 39 (ref values: optimal 22-11 pg/ml)
So my DHEA is fine. On the chart I'm squarely in the reference zone, if a little close to the depressed cortisol, but normal. I'm less than 3 for both fasting and on-fasting insulin levels, so by all observations, I'm not insulin resistant. And, see as I did the test on day one of my period, my progesterone levels are exactly where they should be.
Total salivary sIgA
Total salivary sIgA: < 5 Low (ref values: borderline low 5-9 mg/dL; Normal: 10-20 mg/dL; Borderline High: 21-25 mg/dL)
Depressed sIgA may be associated with chronic stress, allergies, upper repiratory tract infection, and/or selective IgA deficiency.
General information about sIgA:
1. Secretory IgA (sIgA) is the predominant antibody found on mucosal membranes trhoughout the body.
2. sIgA exists as a dimer of two individual IgA combined with a secretory component that helps protect sIgA from enzymatic degradation.
3. One main function of sIgA is immune exclusion, binding antigens and preventing their adherence and admittance into the body. Typically, sIgA moderates the mucosal inflammatory response.
I have no idea what any of that means. Everything I've googled about mention leaky gut and other things I don't seem to have. If I do have leaky gut, I guess I'd fall under the thyroid/eczema aspects, though neither of those are particularly bad. We've established my thyroid is basically fine, except for the low T3 thing. And the only place I get eczema is on two of my fingers and that's more my body dealing with pent up stress than anything. So I don't know what to make of this one.
Gluten (gliadin) Ab, sIgA (saliva): <1 Negative (ref values: Borderline: 13-15 U/ml; Positive: >15 U/ml)
A negative sIgA response to gliadin does not rule out adverse reactions to gluten.
Notes on Gliadin Ab Test:
Gliadins are proteins found in wheat, barley, and other grains, which may trigger an immune reaction in some individuals.
Patients on a gluten-free diet who have not been exposed to gluten for 3 months or more should have a negative sIgA response to gliadin.
Basically, all the bread belongs to me.
So yeah. That's where I am right now. Essentially my T3, cortisol and sIgA levels are all problematic. I've been put on supplements to support my adrenal health, but mending a fatigued adrenal system is a slow, tedious process.
Chances are, once I can get my cortisol and T3 levels under control, I'll be able to make headway with the depression. So that's where I am right now. And if any of the medical ddn community want to unofficially diagnose me, feel free.
My doctor started me on the generic form of Deplin (broken down form of folic acid) and my depression really improved. My vitamin D level is pretty much constantly low so I have to take supplements, which also helps with my depression because I don't get a lot of sunlight because I get sunburned really easily.
I've been battling depression lately too, mainly because I needed another abdominal surgery. If you need to talk, let me know.
Emt - that's pretty interesting. I already take vitamin D and some of the L- amino acids. Since I'm pretty sunshy, I've been told to take up my D intake. I'm also taking Drenamin, Thytrophin PMG, B12, and 50mg Iodine (along with munching on a handful of Brazil nuts for selenium).
But definitely I'll mention that to my doctor. I'm sorry you've been depressed. Thoughts and good wishes that whatever procedure you're needing done is easy with quick recovery.
Comment #10241494 deleted
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2016-08-03 22:41:00
Removed by Sumayah (204191) on 2016-08-03 22:43:05 Wrong picture, frustrating. Starting over. Argh.
Get one hour of sleep. Work a full day. Pick up dinner since stove is not yet reconnected due to floors. Eat food. Discover newly installed water softener has sprung a leak. Shut off water. Bleed pipes. Call contractor. Drive to Lowe's. Buy pipe wrap. Drive home. Install pipe wrap. Wait.
Meanwhile, the house is still 85*F. It's not getting colder. Change filters. Duct tape around ducts inside house where the previous duct taping had come loose and was blowing out cold air into the utility closet. House gradually (excruciatingly slowly) getting cooler.
Still waiting on pipe wrap to set so we can shower, et al, before turning off water for the night and bleeding system again.
Currently: hot, cranky, and tired but unable to go to bed, thereby missing the window of opportunity with which to get to sleep.
Tomorrow: insurance guy coming out to check roof for damage at 8am. Sprinkler system guy coming out to check sprinklers at 10am. Plumber coming out sometime tomorrow morning to fix leak. A/C guy coming out Monday.
Work at noon. Teach 6:30-8:30. Come home, curl up in fetal position and rock back and forth.
This is not also considering the ant and flea invasion we've been dealing with.
So I'm over it. Over. It.
The. Toilet. Reservoir. Was. Leaking. O. M. G. I. Can't. Do. This.
Because I've been down, I've made a point to spend some time with my friends and make plans to go out. My friend J and I went out last Saturday (July 30th) and we did one of those wine and painting classes and we painted Hogwarts Castle and then we went to the midnight release of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. Alas, I still haven't finished it because of the craziness that has been my life. Here's the progression of my painting:
B and I went to see the animated Batman: The Killing Joke in the theatre and then we went to see The Suicide Squad last night. In The Killing Joke, Mark Hamil voice acting as the Joker was AMAZING as always. Like his Joker is perfect. They showed footage of him reading lines and I swear, I could watch him read lines as the Joker for hours. The first 30 minutes though had nothing to do with the comic and were a sort of let's-give-you-a-reason-to-care-about-Barbara-Gordon-because-you-must-not-know-she's-Batgirl feel. The worst though was Spoiler: Show
Suicide Squad was fun. It was a mess. The dialogue and action sequences were fairly predictable. But I'll totally watch it again when it comes out on Bluray. It's not a "must see in the theatre" movie, but it's fun and if you like superhero movies, it's entertaining. As far as anti-superhero movies go, Deadpool was far and away the better movie. Like they aren't even comparable. Suicide Squad is campy and fun, but not worth the ticket price for theatres.
I'm going to see a musical this Saturday with A and then we're going to an adult night rollerskating on next Tuesday. On the 19th I'm going to have a fun day out because I'll be off from work. Then the last week of August I have completely off. My 13th anniversary is on the 30th and then we'll have my birthday party on Labor day. I'm going to try to get down to Fredericksburg to see my friend H who I haven't seen in three years or so. So I'm making sure I take some time for fun stuff for me in the midst of all the home projects I'm doing.
Terro is amazing stuff. We got an ant invasion a few years ago we couldn't shake, Jim got some Terro ant traps for in the house, and a handful of the outdoors ones to put outside. There's a weird stretch of 4 or 5 days where the ants seem to get worse, so be ready for that (they're all coming out to get the deliciousness in the ant traps!), and then they bail. We still get a few rogue ants every year, but not 10% of what we used to.
And a TSH of 3.1 is high. A perfectly normal, fully functioning adult thyroid is a 2.0. Mine is 2.5, heavily medicated, which seems to please my endocrinologist. 3.1 is maybe not high enough that your particular doctor wants to medicate, but it's high, absolutely. In the name of TSH, you want low.
Maybe that's why my depression kicking back in. Because I had *great* weekend. And then a migraine on Monday. And today I'm tired and apathetic. And I'm exhausted. I could close my eyes right. this. instant. and be asleep. But it's like my brain is forcing me to stay awake. Like, my body is saying sleep now please. And my brain is saying, in a little bit, you've got things to do. And my body is answering, no, sleep is a thing to do, let's do that. And my brain is all ha ha nope. I really don't want to fall back into the insomnia trap.
I just want to care again. Screw having emotions, I just want to sincerely care. Like for instance, my friend A works with cancer patients. And she burst into tears because 3 patients she's worked with for years have finally succumbed. And I tried to say something comforting because honestly my emotions were just checked out and and I was all ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ well I guess that sucks.
But yeah. Not a good past two days, but my weekend was pretty great. I'm going to attempt sleep right now since it's only 1am and I can still get about 5 and a half hours of sleep before my alarm goes off if I get to sleep soon. Otherwise, remind me to tell y'all about my parking lot fiasco downtown when I saw a concert on Saturday night. Night peeps!
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2016-12-21 13:42:01 well, either hotlinking images in broken or instagram isn't letting me. c'est la vie.
We finish the show and break down the stage in record time. Usually there's talking and pictures and hanging out. Not Saturday. Parents were like GET YOUR STUFF LET'S GO YOU SEE THESE PEOPLE ALL THE TIME I'M FREEZING. And the kids were all, yeah, okay, freezing, we're gone.
It was at that point that I headed downtown for a rap show. I get downtown about 9:30 and there's no street parking nearby. Mind you, I'm alone, so I'm not really looking to walk more than a block to the venue. There's a pay $10 to park parking lot about a block away, so I figure my car will be 2% safer than parking on the street and it's close so I won't feel so vulnerable walking back. I pay, I park. I go to the show. It's this little dive with a stage that would barely fit a full drum kit, bass, and lead with enough space for maybe 50 people. Here:
I was standing in the middle of the flash by the stage.
Anyway, the show was great and I get back to my car safely. I get into my car, freezing, and let it warm up for minute. I back out and head for the street ahead of me. Well, wait, no I don't. I'm no on an exit aisle, so I can't just pull out into the street because there's a curb. Well, more specifically there's a car parked at the curb. I glance right and there a SUV parked in the aisle between the last parking space and the curb. I glance left and there's a shiny black mustang parked in the aisle between the last parking space and curb.
Well. Hell. Okay.
I back up as there's no space to turn around and pull into an empty spot and then maneuver my way arond to face the other direction. Here's actual footage of me getting turned around:
Well, except I didn't hit any cars doing so. And I start to exit the aisle from the entrance side. And then I stop. And I get out of my car. And I don't burst into tears.
There's an extended cab truck with his bed hanging well out into the aisle. And a long luxury car parked opposite hanging out on the other side.
I'm stuck. Trapped. It's 1am and I just want to go home. And I'm stuck. Stuck. AAAGGGGHHHHH!
So while I'm assessing the situation and trying to figure out if I could somehow angle through the space between the bumpers, this couple and a man walk up. The man is the father of the woman (who claimed not be drunk, but honestly if you have to justify you're sober, you're so not. Not that I'm judging, her dad was sober and he was driving, so, it's cool.) and he had parked one car over from where I was parked. I explain the situation and he goes to check it out.
Getting through the way I was pointed wasn't going to work, but he looked at the extremely small space on the sidewalk between the mustang and the pay to park on the street console at the curb.
I sit and hang out while he manipulates their SUV through the narrow space successfully. At the point, I turn myself around and head up that way.
You've. got. to. be. kidding.
There's this much space: ->[ ]<-
Like, I'm pretty sure he used magic to get through there without touching another vehicle. But between the dad, the woman and her husband we get my car through. At one point the dad was like, just pull straight forward. As I do, I can see in my sideview mirror that there's maybe space enough to slide a piece of paper between my car and the mustang. We're not touching. Barely. But not touching nonetheless. I manage to not touch the mustang, to not clip the pay to park console, not tap the truck parked at the curb, and not drop off the curb into the truck.
This, kids, is why you have someone sober driving. Because had I been drinking, even a little, that precise surgery of a maneuver wouldn't have been successful.
I kinda (really, sincerely) hope the car didn't fare so well later in the evening, and that someone sideswiped it because THAT WASN'T A PARKING SPACE OMG. I just didn't want it to be me. But despite a long look from a cop driving past who was all, "why is she driving on the sidewalk??" It worked. So kudos to the lady, her husband, and her dad especially, for getting me safely out of that lot.
So good dance show, good rap show, and parking lot shenanigans, that was my Saturday.
Sunday we brunched and that was awesome.
Anyway, this week is dragging and I'm super done. I look like hot death on toast, just tired and haggard. Next week I'm off and looking forward to sleeping in, playing video games, and getting some projects done. Yay!
Comment #10244260 deleted
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-01-13 09:12:17 added the diary part, you know.
Removed by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-01-13 09:14:24 redo
I need to get over, get past, the whole idea that everyone else has it worse and that my life and my problems are trivial in comparison. I don't want to burden someone else with my problems. I don't want to open myself up. But then, that leads to the picture above.
Monday I started getting a migraine. It was up and down, but I worked and taught through it. Last Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning it felt like someone had cleaved my skull in half. I was vomiting, if I closed my eyes the world felt like was tilting, I couldn't keep food or water down. My head hurt so. much. I called in sick to work and seriously gave consideration to going to the hospital. I didn't because, well, no health insurance. I can't afford to go to the doctor, despite working for medical professionals.
I literally lay in bed all day. I couldn't turn my head, I couldn't sit up, I couldn't get up, or everything went all skewed in my vision. I have not had a migraine this bad in 14 years.
So, the cause of this migraine seems to be a perfectly concocted storm of epic proportions. We went from 20F degree weather to 70F degree weather in less that a week, with the temperature jumping up 20 degrees a day. I was also at the front of my period so my hormones were are out in force. Then the whole thing with my mom, which I've sort of just blown off, I think really had a pretty big impact on me.
My mom you say? What's going on with her? Well, just cancer. No big. Same type of cancer my grandmother had (my dad's mom). So cool. Good to know that uterine cancer runs on both sides of my family. But I've literally just shut that information out and haven't acknowledged it. But she had surgery on Tuesday, they removed the precancerous areas and the cancerous nodes, and she did great. It was stage 1, so no chemo, no radiation. All's good. But I've been sitting on this for a while now, just not processing it.
So yeah. How's everyone else?
So and randomly, I just have to admit it somewhere, but I have a huge girl crush on one of my online friends. She's not a dancer, she's a gamer and overall nerd, but she's freaking adorable. *heart emoji eyes*
My awesome friend insomnia!
I'm pretty sure that I have the lousiest superpowers ever. She has the power to stay up all night and still act and look like a normal human being in the morning! Able to drink obscene amounts of caffeine with no effect!
Yeah, I feel like the Sloth demon is my spirit match. Ha, so my friend (the aforementioned one) and I are deep down the rabbit hole of Dragon Age lore. For those of you going, "huh?" Dragon Age is a video game rpg series. This is the description of the sloth demon:
The truth is that demons of sloth are named so because this is the portion of the human psyche that they feed upon. Doubt. Apathy. Entropy. They seek to spread these things. The sloth demon hides in its forms, a master of shapes and disguises, always in the last place you look... and from its hiding place it spreads its influence. A community afflicted by a demon of sloth could soon become a dilapidated pit where injustices are allowed to pass without comment, and none of the residents could be aware that such a change has even taken place. The sloth demon weakens, tires, tears at the edges of consciousness and would much rather render its victim helpless than engage in a true conflict. Such creatures are best faced only with a great deal of will, and only with an eye to piercing their many disguises.
Except not entropy because, as my cute friend pointed out, physics. I offer up ennui instead. Mostly because I love the word. Is it me or does melancholy have the best words? Ennui, lugubrious, lassitude... they're just wonderful words that mean such depressing things. But for real, hey sloth demon on my back, WHAT IS UP!?
Pretty sure my sloth demon likes coffee.
Wait... that's a selfie.
Anyway. So I'm currently running on stubbornness and 8 shots of espresso. I was going to get more coffee at lunch, but I sort of like my liver and my heart. I'm a little attached to them you know? Sentimental reasons.
Okay can we have real talk here? I've come to the realization that while my life is great (mental nonsense excluded), I really haven't ever *lived*. All of my friends have stories and I've got... what? five diaries of crying about how broken I am? Why didn't I do stupid things and have adventures and get in trouble when I was in my early 20s? Who thought that it was good idea to get married at 23!? (Kids, don't get married at 23. You're seriously still a baby.)
I mean it's pretty impressive, actually that B and I are still together, but y'all know some of the stuff that has gone down (and like talked me off a metaphoric ledge), and it's less impressive than a miracle. But I've come to an interesting conclusion. I would be fine. I would be sad, sure, depressed (but really how's that any different than now?), but I'd be fine. My friends genuinely care about me, and I have the really good luck of finding kindred spirits all around me. Granted most of y'all are like across the country, but still. I would be just fine.
I don't think B would be. I've given him outs. I've brought up getting lawyers. But every time, he just shuts down. I think he knows that if we divorced (which I don't really want, I do love him) he'd be all alone. His friends are based on my friends. And even his best friend he basically cut out of his life. Allegedly they still text, but we haven't hung out with them in years. Which is sad. He's so stuck in his worldview that he can't see that he's alienating people. Even when we do have people over that he likes, he retreats to his office to play video games. He just can't deal with that much socialization. Meanwhile, I'm by no means an extrovert, but my friendships are important to me and I make a point to have dialogue with them in some manner. I think if we weren't married, he'd be so very alone. I'm not sure he'd be alive.
So, I guess I needed to get that off my chest. I've been sitting on this, not verbalizing it, and I know technically I still haven't actually said it out loud, but this is as sharing as I get. I mean it's nice to know that despite everything, if push came to shove, I would be all right. Anyway.
So I've been making mixtapes lately. I'm inspired by two things. One I actually found a box of old cassette tapes and mixtapes.
Kids, once upon a time, music was played using magnetic tape.
Mind blowing right? Also, I'm old. But that's okay. I'm also pretty darn awesome (or so I've been told) and I'm gonna hold onto that happy thought and just let it fill me up. So feel free to just nod your head in agreement, even if you don't mean it.
The point being, I found legit mixtapes I had made back in like the '90s and I DON'T OWN A CASSETTE PLAYER ANYMORE. I have a record player because vinyl is the [profanity removed]. But like, I don't even have an old clunky Walkman anywhere. Which is frankly shocking because we all know I'm a packrat. Don't worry folks, it's not Horders level packratery, but I like having stuff and I swear to god some of these objects are straight up horcruxes. Part of my soul in indelibly connected to the object and unless you have a basilisk fang handy, psh, I'm gonna live forever.
But like one of the mixtapes I found was during my ill advised but awesome obsession with South Park. Kids, at one point the Simpsons was edgy. Like you were a bad parent if you let your kids watch the Simpsons because Bart was so disrespectful and set such a bad example.
Sorry, I just rolled my eyes so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
But true story. ANYWAY, eventually the Simpsons became passÃ© and like everyone was watching and it wasn't shocking in the least. Then came South Park and all the pearl clutchers clutched their pearls and made sad clucking noises, like super judgy chickens. 1950s martini mom chickens. Wait wait, tell me that's a thing.
I AM NOT DISAPPOINTED. RIGHT NOW GO IMAGE GOOGLE SEARCH "CHICKENS WEARING PEARLS" don't worry, I'll wait.
Those are super judgy cluckers. Like I feel the disdain. Also this one:
Right. South Park. Focus Suma, focus. So, being a teenager who doesn't care what her parents thought, nor the pearls they clutched, I watched South Park religiously. In my room. With the door closed. And the volume down. And the remote set to flip back to benign programming should they door open. Real rebellious right?
Actually, ha, I used to do the *exact* same thing when I was like 8 and wasn't allowed to watch He-Man and She-Ra, so I'd watch TV in my parents bedroom and have the remote set to flip back to Square One TV. The show that made Math fun except for when they didn't air the Mathnet episodes in order and therefore you never got any sort of resolve. I still remember the one where the kid was kidnapped and blindfolded and he somehow managed to see down into the console of the car and communicate the freaking angle of the water in the cup which was the angle of exactly one hill. That's how you Math, les biches.
But yeah, so I made a whole mixtape -actual cassette mixtape- with sound drops from South Park between the songs. And it was EPIC.
So there's that.
Also, back when K and I were roommates, we made *TONS* of mixtapes (cds) and to this day I keep a cd wallet in my car because sometimes the radio is lame. So I'm in a mood and pull out her cd. It used to be a trio: Uno!, 2, and Three. Alas, 2 has been lost to ages, but Uno! and Three still exist. Oh man. I should post the songs for you because I guarantee you haven't thought about the Eels in a hot minute. But they're awesome right? Like, oh yeah, I totally liked the Eels, I forgot.
Also on there? Great screaming songs. Like the ultimate screaming song. Go ahead, volume up, sing it out, I promise no one is judging you.
Except the chickens.
They're always judging you.
Like don't you feel better now? I sure do.
All right beautiful people, I love y'all lots. And thanks for checking up on me and you know, being awesome. I think everyone needs to be told they're beautiful and amazing and awesome. Well, at least the people I care about. Because they are awesome. Right, I'm out.
It's like a Campbell's Cup-uccino. All the coffee will be mine.
Along with that is my inability to pull up images in my brain. For the longest time when I was a kid, I thought that when people said to imagine something in your mind, it was hyperbole. Because I cannot literally imagine something inside my head. My brain know what things look like and I'm super at drawing a known object. But if you tell me to make something up from scratch? Make an imaginary creature? My brain throws a big lever and the whole works just grind to halt.
Yet I hear music and "it talks" to me. The movement and choreography are right there. So weird right?
Anyway, good night my pretties, I shall check in tomorrow!
Oh man. Today has been, well. I'm one margarita in and I plan on drinking a whole lot tonight. It's probably good I can't curse on here because it would be [profanity removed] this and [profanity removed] that [profanity removed][profanity removed] condescendingly Mr. Prez Cheetos [profanity removed].
Today is such a black day in history. May he not [profanity removed] us all.
Anyway, I started with the margarita. I asked the bartender to describe it for me, he said it has alcohol, I replied that I hoped so. I mistook his meaning. He meant, THIS IS FULL OF BOOZE MAYBE YOU SHOULD ORDER FOOD. I nibbled on chips and salsa, drank my drink, felt fine. Then it hit. Oh man. I really hadn't had much food beyond a protein drink for breakfast and a yogurt so the wine and tequila hit me hard. And I happened to be texting my friend that I've got a crush on.
I imagine you can see where this is going.
I get a bit flirty when I've been drinking (doesn't everyone?) and all I'm going to say of the exchange is that she has no question of my feelings (also, the feeling is mutual!). She, like me, is in a committed relationship. She's openly bi though and I've been married to B for so long I think I forgot I had sexuality. Actually, more to the point, I got married before I really had a chance to figure out if I was anything more than hetero. But then again, sexuality is fluid and it morphs and shifts based on your life experience, so what I was at 23 (omg such a baby) is not who I am 13 years later. But at this point it's a lot of flirting and blushing and it's really nice, you know? It's that warm, happy feeling, which to quote Empire Records, "You know that feeling when you get out of a warm bath... well... you make me feel like a bath?" Yeah, exactly like that.
B doesn't seem to care. He'll see me texting her and tease me a little, good naturedly, about it. And her boyfriend doesn't seem to care, she'll be texting me while he's playing video games next to her so, no harm, no foul on either side. I mean she lives halfway across the country, so unless I have reason to travel north or she has reason to travel south, it's all contained to text. Not that I would be opposed for it to be a bit more snugly and interpersonal. I imagine if we ever do meet up, we'll have to address the issue of attraction and set some boundaries and rules, but until then... 😻
I think I'm going to get outside and walk. I woke up dehydrated with a dry mouth and I think moving around would be beneficial. I just gotta be back in an hour because I've 3yrs in tap shoes at 9am. Love you beautiful people a lot!
ETA: so I was chatting with B and telling him about my drunken exploits last night and I can officially say that not only is he onboard with my flirting with her, he's encouraging it. XD I can only think he has an ulterior boy motive, but hey, I won't look a gift horse in the mouth. Also, where does that expression even come from !?
I've basically been running on caffeine the past few days. Y'all know how I like to internalize. I think this whole new president bs is having an actual, visceral effect on me. I haven't been able to eat for a few days, and tonight I threw up what I did eat. I can tell I'm upset. But like, I lack the emotional output to explain it to anyone. So I just keep going.
I feel like I lack a depth I see in other people. And I, for the life of me, can't figure out if it's because my walls are so sturdy and thick that no one gets in to see the core of me or if I really am that shallow. And I don't mean shallow like materialistically or other such associations, but emotionally. Maybe what I present all I have? Maybe it's not a façade, maybe it's actually me. But then I start thinking, isn't that like psychopathic? But I think I've cobbled out enough empathy to not be a serial killer, so there's that at least.
Nah, I know what happens when I snap. I shut down. Utterly and completely. When my emotions become overwhelming I just completely break down. But it's weird, other people seek out comfort and I close myself off. The very few times I've cried myself out to the point that I start hyperventilating (also, that's a thing I do. Can i just tell y'all how miserable it is to be crying so hard that you stop breathing and then because you can't breathe you cry harder?), I isolate myself away to the furthest point I can. Typically in the bathroom with the door closed, with the bedroom door closed. And even though I purposely take myself away, it's always in back of my head that I wish someone would come and sit with me. B never does, but then I don't really think he gets me.
Well, sorry guys. This turned way more introspective than I was prepared for. All right folks, good night.
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