Forum: Arts / Diaries

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re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Mon Jan 23, 2017 08:17 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-01-23 20:35:57 Added a little late night/early morning whimsy
I went to bed a reasonable hour last night. I was in bed by 9:30pm, was ready to sleep before 10:30.

And I was wide awake just before 3am. After some tossing and turning, getting up and laying back down and sitting on the sofa staring at the clock, I realized that sleep was just not going to happen so I got up and went for a walk. For an hour. Around my neighborhood.

Forsaken by Morpheus, I walk alone in the darkness and night. The stars plummet to my feet and in their stardust I am renewed. Cold air burns against my bare skin and upside down, chained to her chair, Cassiopeia, in all her vanity, watches my progress through the shadows.

I definitely connect to the night and the moonlight and dark shadows more than I do sunlight. It feels right to be awake at night, like my brain is happy and capable. I could have just kept on walking for miles. I went back home just in time to stretch a little before getting ready for work.

Fast forward to right now. It's 9:15am and I am so tired I positively feel drunk. I'm wearing my glasses. I never wear my glasses. But my throat hurts from throwing up last night (and this morning), my eyes hurt from lack of sleep, and I just want to curl up and sleep for another 5 hours.

Of course this my long day.

Of course.

So, one foot in front of the other. Forward momentum.

I can do it.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces (karma: 1)
By Sumayah
On Wed Jan 25, 2017 10:54 AM
The sky was ridiculous last night. I worked from home, as my boss is out of town, so I caught one picture on my way out of the neighborhood and the other at the studio. Ahhh, just so lovely.

So, I'm not sure if I've been sick, but I really haven't been able to eat anything since Friday. It's just every time I look at Twitter of Facebook, my stomach knots up and I just lose all desire for food. I've actually lost 5 pounds since Friday, between the throwing up and the lack of solids. I had some soup with rice yesterday and that was successful, so... But yeah, I know I'm trying to lose weight, but not eating isn't really the way I want to go about it.

So, hey, adventure!

Today B and I are driving to Arizona. We're staying on a border town and getting dental work done in Mexico.

I know.


I'm equal parts nervous as all get out and kind of excited. The excitement is just now peeking through the nerves. I'm just extremely fortunate to have good friends who can calm me down and help balance me out.

I can already feel the Dragon Age addiction crawling under my skin. No gaming until next week. I haven't really played much this weekend, so already the withdrawal is just brutal. At least in game I have some sense of control and can see immediate effects from actions. I can change the world state for good.

I'm taking some books with me on the trip and plan to just fall into another plane of existence. I'm already planning on limiting who I actively talk to while I'm gone. It's down to three people I trust and care about explicitly. Everyone else, sorry guys. I'll maybe keep up with posting some Instagram stuff, but my Facebook and Twitter might just get deleted from my phone all together. I just cannot handle life right now.

At work today, I was privy to an 87 yr old woman, break down crying over the current state of world affairs. She sees the parallel to history past and she's beyond upset. She was telling me that she was watching the Colbert show and they had Oprah on and she had commented that we'll never have another family with as much grace and aplomb as the Obama's and my lovely octogenarian patient just starts sobbing. It's just so hard. Keeping my own life together is just so hard to see this lovely woman start crying because of how terrible things are. And it's only Wednesday!

Okay, I'm done. Beautiful sunset. 20 hr car ride. Dental work. If you're the praying sort, pray for me.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces (karma: 1)
By hummingbird
On Wed Jan 25, 2017 03:00 PM
She's not the only one who's worried with the rising far right and what it's implications are based on the past. My hope is that people are better at voicing their opinions and not so reliant on those in power to help form their opinions as they used to be in the day of our grandparents.

That is a gorgeous sunset! All we have is fog here at the moment, it doesn't create the same atmosphere.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By ChristinePremium member
On Wed Jan 25, 2017 07:18 PM
I won't look a gift horse in the mouth. Also, where does that expression even come from !?

Finally catching up on you and your life.... mine has been heartbreakingly awful..... but before I post.... I can respond to this....

When selling horses, it was not uncommon for the owner of a horse to lie about it's age. One way to determine the age of a horse is to examine it's gums, as recession often takes place with age. (Thus the expression "long in the tooth" is express a negative comment about a person's age....) It basically means, if someone gives you a gift, you don't examine it too closely, you just say, "Thank you."


Keep On Dancing*

ps... I'm still reading... glad you're posting again. xoxo
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By ChristinePremium member
On Wed Jan 25, 2017 07:48 PM

First, I am so sorry you're "in the cave" again. That said, please don't be too hard on yourself. I just re-read this diary from the start and can't help but notice the dates of your darkest days directly correspond to the rise of Resident Trump, aka "Twitler". I know this isn't a political diary, but honestly... how can any thinking human with even the smallest heart not be depressed by what has been going on in this fine country of ours?

At first, we thought it was just a joke... reality television run amok. The crazies supporting him were no different than the audience on Jerry Springer or the petitioners on Judge Judy or The Peoples' Court. Then, it got serious, and scary, and even on election day, most of us didn't believe it would really happen. It isn't just the reality of, "he who shall not be named", but the disgusting spectacle of the ugly under belly of "Trashy America". Most of us are better than this. We may disagree about many things, but most of us are kind and generous, and helpful. With each passing month we've been bombarded with hate, venom, and a commitment to ignorance unlike anything I've ever seen before, and I am very old! (and remember Richard Nixon!) How could you, or any of us NOT be depressed?

I believe depression is the most appropriate reaction to our surroundings. Therapists often say anger is the flip side of depression. So... yeah! In most cases, depression is a mental health issue, but lately... it is a mentally healthy issue! In a back ass kind of way, it is helpful as it keeps us from getting arrested when the anger might incite us to punch the ignorant or plot revolution. If you didn't have those "meh" feelings, you might have severe gastrointestinal issues.

That said... I suspect the insomnia and migraines are part of this dark triad. I am so, so, sorry. I have no advice to offer as although you live in a state historically acquainted with successful presidential assassination, I am not a believer and I don't think you are a killer either. So.... the solution for the short term? Dance... of course.... seriously, it is the only thing that has kept me sane (ish) and although my right knee is killing me, it is better than the more likely alternatives. Sleep.... well... don't be a hero... Melatonin is available over the counter and although it isn't as effective as Ambien, combined with some hot sex and a long soak in a warm bath, it can do the trick. B is just going to have to take one for the team!

I'm glad you are taking a long drive together. Time spend viewing the spectacular majesty of this great nation can be curative. We will overcome! And there is always a good cleansing feeling to having dental work complete. Enjoy the trip, enjoy your husband, and even enjoy the dentist.

What a sad commentary on life in these United States that a trip to the dentist in Mexico is preferable to the spectacle of Washington as viewed through our "window to the world" (television)

Hugs...xoxo Better days are coming.

Keep On Dancing*
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Thu Jan 26, 2017 10:26 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-01-26 23:10:43
I think it's fairly obvious that I'm absolutely a liberal, feminist, pseudohippie, democrat. So yeah, the current state of affairs is deeply upsetting.

On the plus side, I actually had real food today. Like actual meals. Yesterday, before we set out on our grand adventure, I tried my hand at soup and shrimp and vegetables and that was... successful? But I only ate maybe half of it? Otherwise I had a protein drink and some yogurt and black coffee. Today, I had a protein drink for breakfast, loads of coffee, a bagel with cream cheese, a small grocery store salad, half a dozen almonds, and a 6oz steak with salad and a sweet potato. So that's a huge amount of food!

Also, drove 6.5 hrs from Fort Stockton in west Texas to Tucson, Arizona. B drove a short leg at the front and he's driving a short leg to Yuma. Only 2 more hours in the car (give or take). Then tomorrow, across the border, get my cavities dealt with, back to Yuma to sleep, the Saturday B gets the last of his work done and we start the driving process all the way back home.

Excuse me while I go cry in a corner.

For the record, I-10 is one of the most boring stretches of cross-country road I've had the misfortune of cruise-controlling my way down.

Oh look, land that goes on and on into the horizon, oh look plateaus to the south. Oh look a wind farm. Oh look yucca plants. Oh look rocks. Oh look cactus. Oh look more highway. It's the worst.

That said, there were pretty moments. Some lovely scenery and some poetic vistas. But even that starts to wear thin when you've been trapped in a car for hours.

I'll keep y'all updated for my progress. Glad to see y'all here. Also Christine, I love you so much, I laughed way harder at some of your commentary than i should have.

Also, if you're ever in Fort Stockton, the Garage Coffee is super. 10/10 do recommend.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Fri Jan 27, 2017 05:05 AM
A friend of mine is a librarian, I've actually got two librarian friends, both with the same initial so it doesn't help to specify which one it is. But this her story and it's important:
Spoiler: Show
I know I'm supposed to be taking a break but something happened to us at work tonight and I'm just gonna put it out there and then I'ma go.

At work we have a back office, so we can like, get work done. Patrons are not allowed in the back office, not just because Staff Only means Staff Only and we hate your face, but because we have other patron's personal information back there, as well as our money box etc etc. It's basically the same reason you would never be allowed in any back office.

Tonight a man tries to come into our back office. Patrons do this some times usually because they're confused or because they're impatient.

We hate this. Don't do this.

But we try to be polite and redirect people to the desk and assure them that someone will be there shortly. But this guy we've had problems with. He's basically been a terrible to all of us, and the other day, he had tried then as well to come into the office and shouted at a coworker and our manager had to shout him down.

Tonight he pulls this again, and before my coworker can even get a sentence out, he becomes verbally abusive. We have one-way glass so that we can see through and he's shouting at us through the glass and as our guard escorts him out, he starts shouting: "Long live Trump, long live President Trump" and then starts saying that he hates women who abuse their authority. This continues.

Everyone. Everyone. Everyone who works at our branch is female.

So we called the cops. He was gone by then, but that's a thing that happened.

That's really the end of the story.

The point is, this happens. This happened. This is happening all the time. This is happening to someone you know.

Also, library staff gets this a lot. Just so you're aware. We get called socialists (mostly true), we get called thieves (you're welcome for your free service, and guess what, we pay our taxes too), and we get called a lot of things. Especially the women.

This happens. This is happening. Just. So. You. Know. This is not a one-time thing. This is not new. But it has been escalating. You can go ahead and guess why.

Just. So. You. Know.

I thank you guys for your replies, but that's not the point. The point is that this is the world we live in. I deal with problem patrons all the time. That's literally in my job description. This was not a Problem Patron. This is someone who feels empowered by the current state of affairs. This is going to keep happening. This is just one personal story that I thought I would put out there.

The wrong people are empowered right now. And no good can come of this.

That's all for me. Take care of each other. Take care of your militant socialist librarians. Take care of yourself.

*edited out personal info and profanity

This reminds me of the guy in the game store. I'm positive I told y'all about it, but it's not worth the time or energy to track down the actual diary post. Longtime readers you'll remember this (probably).

So the way the store was set up, we had heavy duty counters with shelves and on the shelves were boxes - inventory. In line with the heavy duty counter is a glass display counter. Those counters marked off the Employee Only space from the hey go browse space. There was just enough of a gap that employees could walk out onto the floor to help customers and the duck back behind the counter into our safe zone.

At the end of the counter was the cash register. A cash register that was ridiculously easy to open. Also, we had an open cash box that's right in that general vicinity (because my former boss doesn't believe in safes).

So anyway, it was a weekday and I was doing some project or other, who knows, and this middle aged guy comes in to the store. He had some item on hold, a movie? I think it was a movie, because we would order new movies for customers who don't know what amazon is, pay the cheap, discounted Amazon price, but charge full retail. Nice little racket if you ask me. But when we received orders, they went into a box in the counter, near the bottom third in the middle.

Middle-aged uy comes in, and stands at the corner/side of the counter, next to the cash register. I help him, he has a hold. He's already more into my space than I would like, but as I crouch down to check the holds, he steps behind the counter into my space to point to his business card.

A) I know I'm a woman but I'm competent, thanks. B) You don't go behind the counter. C) He doesn't know (or frankly care) if I had been a victim of abuse or rape and was sensitive to men invading my personal space.

No, he was A MAN and held dealt with A MAN and I was a useless woman who should just let him do what he wants because He Obviously Knows Best. Also, he was a Doctor and Very Important and I shouldn't be afraid of him coming at me from above while I was in a powerless, vulnerable position.

Then he became aggressive and yelled me down because I shouldn't be afraid of him. Mansplaining my gut reaction of get out of my personal space and why I was wrong to react that way. My fault.

This was pre-Trump. But men will and have been doing this and are just emboldened by Trump. Expect more random violence against women. Expect more intimidation and men feeling that they are within their right to harass women. Expect more men to feel that they are entitled to break the rules and will blame you for doing your job.

My friend's story is terrifying. It literally made me nauseated to read it. My heart hurt for her. It's only been a week. Men have already been entitled but they're getting bolder, more aggressive. Be safe friends.

And if you're reading this and you voted for Trump, I hope you are happy with what you wrought. I hope you are taking personal responsibility for his actions and are determined to DO SOMETHING to offset the terror we all feel. Because the rest of us are terrified. Deeply, sickeningly terrified.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Fri Jan 27, 2017 06:41 PM
1 Image(s) detached by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-01-27 18:42:44 Sideways picture removed
Here are some pics of the trip to Yuma. Texas... Texas... New Mexico... Arizona.

Also, I am not a sleep anywhere person. I am so exhausted at this point that I just started crying. Also, I reread the post above this one and I don't think that helped. My friends mean the world to me and for them to be subjected to such horrible people just breaks my heart.

Okay, so I had 7 cavities filled today. The lower left is achy. The whole right side feels great. I've got one on upper left and three on my upper front teeth. Those will be dealt with tomorrow and then we start the epic drive back to Texas. Sunday night can't get here soon enough.

Love y'all! ♥️
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Sun Jan 29, 2017 01:47 AM
Guys. That was a cluster****. We made a reservation for the night on Expedia. Get to the hotel. Their computer system is down. B calls Expedia. Then Expedia faxes the wrong amount for the room, so their card is declined. The wrong amount by 0.01¢. But we don't know this yet. We're just rudely informed that they can't give us the room.

Meanwhile, angry dog lady comes in looking for towels. Bitchy, angry lady. Hostile, bitchy, angry lady. Staff is already annoyed because of us showing up and the declined card. Hostile, bitchy, argumentative, angry lady makes staff more upset.

B calls Expedia again. They figure out the problem. Hotel charges one penny less thatvthe amount they sent over. Voila, we are now in a room. But this is after 4 hrs at the dentist in Mexico, 90 mins to cross the border, and 7-8 hours of driving. We've been up since 6:00am. Seriously? We'll be up by 6ish and on the road for home. Only 9-10 more hours to go. *sigh*

Also sunset in Arizona. And Las Cruces for our sleep.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Wicked_Elphabamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Jan 29, 2017 08:26 AM
How much cheaper was the dental work in Mexico and what did you have done? You can PM me if you want. :)
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Sun Jan 29, 2017 07:03 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-01-29 21:46:50
EMT - 11 cavities filled for $550. She also threw in a tooth cleaning. I say 11 because the doctor counts each filling individually. My local dentist had me at 6, but they were almost all multiside, so it evens out about the same in the end. In the states it would have been well over twice that. B had major work done. He had fillings, a root canal, 2 abutments, and 3 crowns and a cleaning for maybe $1100? $1200? His work was where we substantially saved money. The doctor there did very good work, she was very conscientious and gentle. Even when you factor in gas, cheap hotel rooms, food, and whatnot, it's still loads cheaper than even insurance would cover. I can send you her webpage if you want more specific pricing info.

ETA: Also, hey guess who's home!? Also, just heard about the awful events of Friday and the less awful events of Saturday. Donate to the ACLU: . . .

Also donate to Planned Parenthood if you can. Every bit helps.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Tue Jan 31, 2017 01:29 PM
It started with a baby grand piano.

(We're about to get introspective and psychosomatic folks.)

When I was little, we had a baby grand piano. Shiny and black. Ivory keys, brass pedals with worn patches. I've never been able to play piano. If pressed I can pick out Mary Had A Little Lamb or Chopsticks. But that right there is the extent of my musical abilities. I was fascinated but the horizontal harp inside, how when you drummed your fingers on the keys, the hammer hit the wire and made melodious (or in my case, cringeworthy) sounds come out. As a child I was pretty sure the piano was a marvel of engineering.

I loved that piano. I'm not sure why I loved it as fiercely as I did, but there you go.

My dad at the time was a co-owner and Lead Video Editor of a local production company. I grew up around technology. No surprise I am the way I am. I was playing with an expensive stylus and drawing pad on the computer when I was 4. This was the '80s, by the way, back when a stylus was super not common. But when my mom would bring me down to the office to visit, the graphic artists would set me on a stool and pull up the then very high tech paint program and just let me play.

I was 9 when the Gulf War took place. The first one. And it ruined my life.

Well that's an overstatement. Religion ruined my life. The Gulf War just made it more vivid.

I had been a talkative, happy, exuberant child. Or I was up until my mom discovered Religion. The Religion I was raised in was very strict. Without speaking outright, let me just say that I still don't have hang of holidays and birthdays... But when I was 3 suddenly everything came screeching to a halt. God Was Good and we were To Serve Him and Leave All Worldly Possessions behind.

Being a sensitive child, I had a little trouble with that. I've never been materialistic, I just endear myself to objects. I am very happy to make do with what I've been given. I don't always need new or better. But hearing that everything on earth was forfeit just never sat well with me. Also, an eternity of paradise and praising god sounded very dull.

So the Gulf War happened to coincide with a plane trip and a business proposal. A multi-million dollar business proposal. But due to world events, the plane wasn't allowed to land, the deal never went through, and the business failed.

Since my dad was a co-owner, and a principled co-owner, everyone on staff was paid and taken care of. Except him and the other owners. We filed for bankruptcy.

We had to sell the piano.

And I cried. And cried.

And my mother couldn't understand.

Why was I so attached to the piano? I didn't play it. It was just an object. Besides, god Had A Plan and I was supposed to just go with it. Stuff is just stuff. I shouldn't be attached. Especially to an instrument I couldn't play and had given up on lessons for.

I can't explain my attachment. It was just this thing of beauty. Curving lines, sharp angles, imposing and elegant. And I loved it.

So fast forward to now. I still have an attachment to items. I'm not a hoarder. I don't hoard away trash and miscellaneous non-items. But I do keep things that have memories or places or emotions attached to them.

So I'm not even sure how this all came up. Wait, I was talking with a friend about books. I collect books because they're friends, they're comforting. But I've had really hard time actually reading since 2012. Y'all know what a year that was for me. I collect them because they make me feel better, even if I don't actually read them.

But anyway.

It all started with a baby grand piano.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Tue Jan 31, 2017 08:33 PM
Two things.

One: my dancers came back from Art of Movement this weekend. We get into class, about to start pliés, and one of my dancers blurts out, "Oh my gosh Ms. Suma! The ballet teacher at AoM is like your exact clone!" Followed by another half dozen dancers going "Yes!!!!!" And then they started explaining how we were similar. The illustrations and imagery we use, the anatomy terms, our teaching styles and personality. They were saying, hey, we've heard this stuff before - from me.

So the ballet teacher is Josie Walsh.

Take a moment and look her up if you don't know who she is.

So, I'm super flattered.

Like, really, sincerely, super flattered.

So, hey. My ego feels a little more secure right now. I think everyone has that moment where they wonder if they're making a difference and this helped me feel like, yeah, I'm a damn good teacher. That was needed.

Two: I'm having a really hard time eating. I've been eating. But I just don't want food. Like, I'm trying to lose weight, but not by not eating. I just... ugh. Every time I read about world events I just feel nauseated. So, I don't know what to do about it. I'm eating. Just... I don't want to. Advice?
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Wed Feb 01, 2017 08:53 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-02-01 10:27:46
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-02-01 13:27:22
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-02-01 13:56:59
ETA3: So I half feel like deleting this whole post. Don't bother reading it. It's just a bunch whiny and crying and oh woe is me.

I checked in on K, because I know she's having a rough week. And yeah. I could have her set of circumstances. Which i'm obviously not going into, as they are her circumstances, not my own. But my crying over not getting enough sleep is super pathetic in comparison. However, I will let the post stand since I have a really hard owning my emotions. So here they are.

Sorry for all the updates. I'm just having a really hard time right now. This helps.

If you've been following my diaries for a while now, you know that my headspace gets a bit dark. And you also know this is compounded by insomnia. Which is currently back with a vengeance.

For those who have not been following at home (trigger warning, it's really, really depressing): . . .
That one should explain the most about who I am and why this whole insomnia thing is scaring me to death. That was a Bad Year.

And frankly, while the depression was worst that year and into 2013, it's never fully gone away. It wanes and ebbs, but it's always there in my brain. Those same sickly fingers, dark and tainted, poking into my brain, coloring everything around. I know right now I'm hardcore pmsing which may be why I'm feeling so down right now, but I just can't shake it.

Last night I took an awesome and relaxing bath, had a drink and good conversation with a friend, went to bed and was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow at 11:30pm. Wide freaking awake at 3:30am. Been awake since.

Coffee is such a crutch. I love it, but I'm basically existing on little else. But I'm here at work, feeling like a background extra in the Walking Dead, just trying to focus enough to post our social media content. I've switched to straight up black coffee. Yeahhhh .

I just don't get it.

I limited my caffeine intake yesterday so as not to stay awake, I took some down time before bed, I fell asleep right away which is a small miracle, but then boom. 3:30am.

I just can't do this again. I don't know what to do. My tricks were never super effective and I think I can safely say I've tried just about every single remedy out there. I'm at a loss. But these 3am's are becoming more frequent and I'm having a harder time shrugging them off and going back to sleep.

For the record, things I've tried:
otc sleep-aids
walking before bed
hot tea
less caffeine
no caffeine
more water
eating heavy
eating light
not eating or drinking after 6pm
getting drunk
taking allergy meds
getting drunk while taking allergy meds/sleep aids
keeping the house cold
getting ready for bed by 10pm
lying in bed by 10:30 pm
saying the alphabet backwards (in triplet rhythm)
making up elaborate stories in my head
reading a book
not reading a book
watching tv
not watching tv
screwing around on social media
not touching my phone
writing in my diary
going for a 3am walk
getting regular chiropractic care
eating healthier

I'm literally at a loss. But this has been steadily growing.

Oh also, hi, I don't have insurance. So, going to the doctor for antidepressants isn't super feasible. Although I may have to. Because between the migraines, depression, and insomnia I'm going to burn out. My candle wick is flickering and the flame is threatening to extinguish.

Guys, help. I'm really not okay. I say I am, I smile, but I'm just about done. I'm hitting the point where I don't want to do anything. At all. And of course Birdy's "People Help the People" just had to play right now at work. Excuse me while I go cry in a corner.

I'm keeping in contact with my close friends. I'm making a point to talk to the people I love, because I feel like they're the last vestiges on my humanity. My apathy is so high right now... but the one thing I can depend on is that I care about my friends and their lives and problems and successes. It's literally my one saving grace right now. I'm making plans to do things for them (I've got a mixtape for Naoise I need to mail - and an Austin care package for another friend). Taking care of my friends goes a long way to keeping me stable. But damn. I know it's part pms, but I'm just in a such a bad place mentally today. So... I love you guys. <3

ETA: Oh hey and cool. My dad decided today was a good day to lecture me. Because I'm obviously 17 and not in my thirties. That was exactly what I needed today. So, a few weeks back I took my dad out for his birthday, it was rainy and gross and I spun out on a curve. We were fine, no damage to property, the car, or ourselves or other people. But he felt the need to chide me that I didn't notice we were slipping sooner. My reaction time was too slow. That because I was chatting with him and was "distracted" I needed to be more careful. Also, my mom goes in for more tests tomorrow so there's that. I freaking hate life right now.

ETA2: I walked to the grocery store and got pre-made salad with chicken and I bought a couple hardboiled/peeled eggs and a banana. Then I walked further to the park and sat and ate lunch and read up on the world on Twitter (which is sadly a more reliable news source than the actual news) and literally just started crying. I'm now back at work, but my head is anywhere else. I just feel hopeless and lost right now. Like I'm doing that thing where I replay scenarios in my head where something awful happens and then I could just take a break for a while. Like a car not paying attention that could bump me and break my leg, but not so bad that it's awful, but enough that I have to be laid up for like 6 weeks. That's not healthy. And I know it. But my brain, it just goes to these dark, horrible places and I'll try to redirect my thoughts, but they're there, lingering in the background, just out of sight, but you can still feel them there.

I'm sorry to be so down today. I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean, yeah pms, but this is like pms on steroids after gamma radiation. I'm back to that mindset where I just don't want to exist anymore. I'm not suicidal, don't worry, well, not like that, but I don't want to die. That would hurt the people I care about. I just wish my existence was null. That I could just escape to somewhere else and start over. I mean like another plane of existence. Jesus I'm a mess today.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Thu Feb 02, 2017 07:52 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-02-02 07:56:15 Let's go Resistance!
Well, I slept through 3 and 4am, so that's a positive. I'll take 5hrs and I won't complain.

So yesterday happened. That was brutal. I'm pretty sure that if I were to ask my doctor (I just never think to mention it when I'm there for my annual checkup since it's not an always thing), but I'm like 90% sure she'd tell me that I have PMDD, and not just PMS. wrote:

If a woman's PMS is severe and clearly affects her mental health -- leading to things like depression or anxiety -- some experts refer to it as premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD).

Dysphoria: Dysphoria is a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction. Dysphoria may accompany depression, anxiety, or agitation.

And now that I've linked a reputable source, let's see what everyone's favorite, WebMD has to say:
The symptoms of PMDD usually show up the week before you start your period and last until a few days after it begins. Most of the time they are severe and debilitating, and they can keep you from daily activities.

Symptoms of PMDD include:

☑️Mood swings
☑️Depression or feelings of hopelessness
☑️Intense anger and conflict with other people
☑️Tension, anxiety, and irritability
☑️Decreased interest in usual activities
☑️Difficulty concentrating
☑️Change in appetite
☑️Feeling out of control
☑️Sleep problems
Cramps and bloating
☑️Breast tenderness
Joint or muscle pain
Hot flashes

Soooooo the check marks are definitely me. Cramps and bloating usually go with my period, not before. Don't get joint or muscle pain or hot flashes. I am much, much, much more likely to get a migraine leading up to my period though, not just a headache.

So as far as self-diagnosis goes, I don't think I'm overreaching here. Problem is, if there were an every period thing, I'd be more cognizant and proactive about treating it. It's not. It maybe only happens a few times a year, usually when I'm stressed. Mostly my pms is just pms. You know, where you get cravings, snap at people, and just want to burn the building down because someone took your red Swingline stapler. So when this creeps up on me, I'm not prepared. I try to use my pms strategies, but like, I dunno. It gets DARK in my brain.

It doesn't help that I have perpetually been stressed out over every proposed bill, every presidential action, and have been overwhelmingly unable to process the whole thing. Literally, Trump is bad for my mental health. But I can't just turn a blind eye to it and be a hermit. I'm going to have to find some coping mechanisms.

Yesterday was also rough because of K. She's my best friend and it kills me that she's been through so much. I'm a Fixer. I recognize that about myself. And her problems are not the fixing sort. Without going into too much personal detail, basically she was in an abusive marriage, she has a chronic pain disease/disorder combined with Anxiety, and just went through a messy divorce where her lawyer didn't really fight for her. So she's still dealing with all that. And I knew earlier this week, she had had a panic attack in the car (she wasn't driving) and I was checking in on her. And she tells me about her awful lawyer and well, all my empathy I've ever had sprang into action. My heart just broke for her.

I was listening to Muse's "The Resistance" as I was driving home from work and tears just started falling. Once I got home I sat in my car and just sobbed for like 15 minutes. Also, you should put that entire album in your playlist because it's particularly poignant and purposeful right now (thank you M for the reminder that it existed). The crying helped. It was extremely cathartic just to get it out of my system.

I go inside the house and pour myself a glass of whiskey. I can hear the box fan going upstairs which meant that B was already asleep. He was exhausted and is having an extra hard work week as he had to rearrange accounts to accommodate the trip to Mexico. I flip the light on and there is urine everywhere.

Let me backtrack. Did I tell y'all about Mayuri the anniversary kitten? Most of y'all follow me other places, so I'm not sure I have mentioned her here. Anniversary kitten. There you go. Well, she's an indoor kitty, but she's watched the dogs go in and out of their doggy door and figured out she could go outside too. This wouldn't be an issue if I thought she'd stay in the backyard. She won't. And I would be devastated if I came home and saw she'd been hit by a car or been in a fight with another animal. So to dissuade her from using the doggy door, we'll put the dogs outside and lock it so they can't go in and she can't go out. Otherwise it also has the ability to allow and animal out, but not in and in, but not out and in and out. When we're not home, the dogs are penned by the backdroor and can go in and out as they please and the cats get sequestered. When we're home, we let the dogs go outside (assuming it's not cold, and it's rarely cold), lock the door and let the cats have the run of the house.

Well when B got home he had done just that. Dogs outside, cats inside. When he decided to take a nap, he got Mayuri and turned the doggy door lock so the dogs could come in and out. Except he didn't. He was so tired that he turned it the in, but not out setting. So the dogs came in and couldn't go back outside.

Fast forward to me getting home. He's been asleep for hours. He probably took a 6 hour nap total (and slept the bulk of the night too). At that point the dogs had been locked in the house for a lot of that. So, unable to go outside, they peed in the house. I'm not exaggerating to say there was a lake of urine that had to be cleaned up. By me. After the day I had had. So I let them out and breakout the paper towels. Then I grab sanitizing spray and the steam mop and mop up all the tile and launder the bedding. After my day that I've had. It was right then that I realized I couldn't be home. I needed to not be home. So I got dressed and went for a 3 mile walk in the dark. As you do. Well, as I do. Came home, took a shower, and chatted with M who is an actual saint.

I'm pretty sure I need to step up my side of our friendship because she's been fielding some heavy baggage from me. But Saint M talked with me about everything and nothing and eventually I was able to broach how awful my day was. So if you have any good will or positive energy that needs a place, direct it to her because she's the best sort of people.

I (obviously) feel better today. Stable. Well, normal. Normal for me. So that's good.

Think I'll have some breakfast and get on the elliptical. I've been walking Tues/Thurs morning but after my 10000 steps yesterday, I think I should switch it up. Thank you all for bearing with me. And dealing with my outpouring of crazy. I've said it before, but it's worth restating, in real life I have it together. My coworkers had ZERO idea anything was going on. Yes, I was crying a little bit at work, but I wasn't blowing my nose any more than they were because cedar and mold are through the roof. So I blamed the bloodshot eyes and red nose on alternaria (which I do react to). I make a point to keep my shit together in a professional environment. So my diary becomes the dumping ground for all the stuff in my head that has no place else to go. They see the best of me, y'all see the worst. So for that, I'm sorry. But if I leave all these thoughts in my head and don't get them out, I physically make myself ill. Guess who hasn't had a migraine since I really started posting again? That last bad one was the last one I've had. And that's something. Although... the pmdd is probably just a different expression of that same suppressed stress.

Anyway. Thank you for being here and I love y'all. ♥️

ETA: Here. Listen. This is relevant and important and I had forgotten what a good album it is.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Sat Feb 04, 2017 04:49 PM
First off, last night I hit a wall. Not literally. But I got home from teaching, went for an hour walk, took a shower, lay down in bed and was out. I slept a good 8-9 hours. Solid, deep, I'm not sure I moved at all, kind of sleep.

So today I actually feel pretty darn good.

Which is nice. It's also cool and misty and grey outside, and if you've been following along at home, you know those are my alive days. I am absolutely a creature of the darkness, of shadows, of rain and storms. For instance B and I have this thing. He turns on the lights. I methodically turn them off. It's not because I'm trying to save on energy. It's because bright lights are quite seriously the bane of my existence. I hate them. Lights are the worst. So on days like today, I feel energized and alive.

I did a whole bunch of running around. Which was dampened by B. "Hey can you bring home food." Yeah, but I don't know when I'll be home though. You should probably eat. "What are you doing?" Errands. "Like what?" Do you really want the minutiae of where I'm going and what I'm doing?

Basically, I spent all weekend with him and I needed a break. I'm also playing and doing stuff I want to do. But no. So what ends up happening? I end up forgetting about doing something I wanted to do because of him.

I'm not big on blame. I don't like blaming other people for my misstep. But seriously dude? You can't just let me have a day to myself? You need to know what I'm doing and where I'm going? Micro-managing control freak. And it's starting to wear on me. He's starting to wear on me.

I'm at that point where I have reached the conclusion that I love B. Very much. I'm super not in love him. Our goals and ideals don't really match up anymore. He doesn't understand why I didn't just want to be at home. Because I'm not you. I'm not a hermit. I LIKE social interaction and going out and about. Also, you're home and I really don't have any desire at all to spend time with you. Oh. And I'm sick of the ultimatums. They're benign and I don't rise to them, but that he even makes them is getting under my skin. Stuff like, you can stay out longer if you do X. At which point I tell him, no I'm doing what I want. Which isn't exactly good for our marriage.

I keep dancing the idea of divorce around in my head. I'm not the person I was when we got married. Neither is he. And I kind of hate spending time with him. So, we're sort of roommates who share a bed and have sex.

He set it up REAL early in the marriage that he doesn't have time to just cuddle with me (actually told me, he had better things he could be doing) and he doesn't want me on him and you know, after 13 years, I've taken the hint. You want to be able to have sex and you're comfortable with another body in the house. But you really don't want to put any effort at all into the emotional side of the relationship.

I know how he expresses love. He gives materially. That's what he values. He values the almighty dollar above all else. (Including me.) So for him, he'll see a tee-shirt he knows I'll like or a box set of a series I enjoy and get me these things unprompted. That's his expression of love. I understand that. But that's not me.

Anyway. It means I'm not inclined just to be home with him for the sake of being home with him. That's not fun for me. I like going places and doing things. I like spending time with my friends.

In fact I'm really excited for the birthday party next week. J is having her birthday and her baby (the baby y'all see me taking selfies with and of frequently) is having her first birthday. I'm making the cakes!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!! I'll make a red velvet cake for J and a mini vanilla cake for baby RL. I'm looking forward to seeing friends and drinking champagne and dressing up (it's a Harry Potter Fantastic Beasts '20s wizarding party because these are my friends and it's what we do). Now, I'm not really great at the decorating bits, so I'll have to play with ideas for a 1920's design somehow. But I'm super looking forward to it.

Anyway. I may go run my errand from today, tomorrow. And screw him. But also, I need to let things percolate around in my head. I've been... not unhappy in our marriage, but I don't know. any marrieds got any advice for me? Is this normal to feel this way? Thirteen years together...
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Sat Feb 04, 2017 09:55 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-02-04 22:11:19
Also, am drunk. Also, also am very drunk. Drunk ddning. Like old times up in here. We haven't had near enough drunk ddning lately. Everyone is gone. But that's okay. You're here and I'm here and I'm three beers in so... yeah!

I can't feel the tip of my tongue or my lips. Or my fingertips.

So yeah.

Also, right now, B is asleep.

The two things may or may not be related.


I still have a super crush on Saint M. At least when I'm drunk. When I'm sober I'm super happy to be awesome friends, because she is. She's quickly become one of my favorite people on the planet. And maybe my drunken infatuation is because I think she's seriously one of the best people on the planet. But, yeah. Yeah. Yeahhhhhhh. She's lovely.

And B is still asleep.

And here I am, drunk and ready to go.

And it's just me. But I should be used to that by now right? I'm a waste of his time. Have I ever told y'all that I've literally stood naked in his doorway, carried on a conversation and he wouldn't look up at me. Had no idea I was absolutely naked. So I took matters into my hands. Literally.

Right now, I just want attention. I'm tired of being second best. Second best to money. Maybe that's half my attraction to Saint M. We can talk about anything. And it's nice. And it's not here and now and in person.

Because let's be real. If me and Saint M were to meet in person, there's no way anything would happen. I'm far too boring married (and so is she, even though she's not but she is). And unless she made the first move we'd just giggle excessively and talk about video games and life and nothing and everything. Not that I'd be opposed to her making the first move. But I don't see that happening. Our friendship is valuable and worth more than a little flirty attraction.


B's still asleep. I'm still alone and drunk.

And that's not gonna change anytime soon.

Oh. OH. Here's a good illustration. I tried to take a semi-sexy photo to send to B. His response?


Seriously dude? "Huh?" I gotta a more excited response for telling him I went to the grocery store.

Jesus I need to be way more drunk.

I realize that I don't do sexy. I'm pretty sure that is not a descriptor anyone would ever use to describe me. But I was expecting a little more of a response than that. I got "It's been a long w eek and I'm tired" as a response.



I feel super desirable.



Boys are the worst.

Why am I still married? This is lame.

Okay, I'm super drunk. Depending on how embarrassing Infind this tomorrow it may get deleted. Abusing my mod powers. What up. Anyway. I'm out.

Or maybe I'm just making excuses and I actually really like her. There is that. Maybe the denial and smoke and mirrors is because I'm worried that I'm just a friend and this is all one sided and it probably is but. Drunk. Yeah. Okay.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Sun Feb 05, 2017 07:19 AM
Good morning.

The one thing I hate about drinking? The dry mouth the next day. I'd apologize for the above post, but it's nothing that isn't a known quantity right now. Or at least a known quantity when I've been drinking. Although, given our national climate, I've been doing quite a bit of drinking lately. Maybe I should stop that. And I do adore Saint M. She truly is the best of people. But she's also far away, she's "safe," you know? The practical, logical side of me (where my fellow calculating Virgos at yo?) knows that it's harmless. It's no worse than having a crush on a tv or fictional character/personality or actor/actress. There's nothing you can actually do about it, but it's nice. And me and her dialogue enough that if one or the other does get flirty in texting, we understand that were situations to change and if we were to meet in real life, we'd have to have a mature conversation about our personal and our SO's boundaries and what's okay and what's not. And were we to meet in person (which is feasible, we do have cons and other conventions here that draw people from across the globe - it's not impossible), whatever boundaries we set we'd stick to. Because we're both principled and honorable people. We also both value the friendship of the other enough to not do or say something entirely inappropriate.

My friends are the world to me. If you're someone I text/pm then I value you greatly. Even if I don't communicate often, that's just sort of how I am. And I'm not going to ever do or say something (intentionally) to screw my friendships up. I care deeply about my friends. I would do anything for y'all. You are the people (whether we've met or not) who hold a very close, very special place in my heart. After, religion, ugh, and being forced to only associate with those of fellow faith - people I'm not sure I liked let alone want to befriend - I've made a point to choose my friends carefully. I want to feel like I'm a better person for knowing you. Unsurprisingly, y'all basically share the same worldviews and ethics/principles. And I learn a lot from each of you. And I'm extremely grateful to know you and have your influence in my life. And I can only hope that I am as good a friend to you, as you are to me. I try to put good out into the world, I do what I can to stand behind my friends and champion them. If you need an ear, don't let my diary fool you, my ear is always available. I will always, ALWAYS, have time to listen to friend. Whether it's crisis or joyous, my time is yours because I love you.


Y'all know that me and B have been on rocky ground for a while. Y'all absolutely know which anon posts were me over the years. And the folks who didn't, unanimously all advised me to be done. Yet here I am. Still here.

As I said, I do love him. He's very much a part of me. For all the complaining I do about him, he's not a bad guy. He's not abusive. I call him out when he pulls out the manipulative tactics (because that's how his mom treated him, and if I'm not going to take that treatment from her, I'm not going to allow him to do it either). Overall, we're not unhappy together. And thirteen years is a lot to throw away.

Not to mention if we did break up, I would be alone. And while I would be fine, I'm in my thirties and not exactly looking forward to starting all over from the beginning. And we managed to remodel the house and spent 40 hours in a car together without coming to blows (but it was close on both accounts - y'all remember). But yeah. If I were alone, while the house loan is doable alone, that's an entire paycheck, no leftovers. All utilities and car insurance (my car is paid off so there's that) bills would have to come from my second paycheck. It would be really tight, I'd have to do some serious budgeting. I could probably figure out a roommate situation. Obviously this isn't the first time I've considered this.

But on the other hand, I know B loves me. He shows it to me the best way that he's able to express it. I do understand him. I've made a point to figure out how he expresses love. As said before, it's with money. Buying me things is how he shows he cares. And it is cute. He'll have ordered me something, and he'll leave it on my desk in my office. I'll get home from work, change into comfy clothes, watch tv and after a little bit he'll say, oh, have you been in your office yet? So I'll go check andnsure enough, there will be something waiting for me. He gets excited for me to receive the item. And he doesn't expect anything in return. When I go tell him, oh thank you baby! He gets this contented happy look. Even the house. He'll bring up how nice the house looks. He's proud of it, and the pride is an extension of his affection too. He wants me to be proud of it like he is.

And while I get him, that's not me. Material goods don't trip my trigger. He tries. He tries to spend time with me. But it's on his terms, not mine. And I'm not sure how to flip that script. He gets lonely and sad when I spend all my time in the other room (I frequently do), and he'll ask if I want to watch something with him. But to him that's spending time with me. I guess so, technically. But I want to go explore downtown or go DO something that makes a memory, not just sit on the couch.

I do love him. He's not a bad person. And at this point in my life, I'm not sure I'd do better. What is the saying the devil you know? Anyway. We all know it's just talk. Just my mind decompressing.

I'm not sure what this says about me (I know exactly what this says about me), but in Pride and Prejudice, do you know which character I identify with the most? Charlotte Lucus. *sigh*
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Tue Feb 07, 2017 06:50 AM
Talking with a friend yesterday who has some marital troubles. It was nice to talk to someone who gets what's going on. I still don't know what I'm doing though. I have some thoughts in my head, but they need to percolate a little more before I put them down on paper.

I will say, I've been feeling better. Mentally, physically and emotionally. More like myself. I'm not sure what happened, whether it was a perfect storm of world events and personal stress that caused my brain to go topsy-turvy, but I do feel grounded again.

I'm still having trouble eating though. And I don't know what to do about that. Don't get me wrong, I'm eating, I'm not about to develop an ED, but I just don't really want anything. I had some yogurt, coffee, coffee, a sub sandwich, and yogurt yesterday. And sub was good. I enjoyed it. I forget how good Thundercloud Subs veggie delight is until I have it again. Hummus and avocado and sprouts and lettuce and tomato and cucumber and mushroom and olives and thundersauce and salt and pepper. But once I ate that? I was done. I didn't want dinner. I drank yogurt because I knew I needed something in my body (hypoglycemia) but otherwise I just really wasn't hungry.

I've started walking again. It does make me feel better when I consistently exercise. When I stop, things spiral downhill quickly. I haven't just been walking at night, I go daytime too, but night walks hold a special place for me. Something about the dark and shadows speaks to my soul. I crashed last night which was nice. Sleeping is slowly getting back on track.

Anyway. I'm feeling better. There's just some stuff I'm figuring out still that needs to bounce around in my head. I love y'all!
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Wed Feb 08, 2017 04:21 PM
I sorta don't have anything to say right now.

But I'm here.

I'm, uh, gonna go see a rap show next Wednesday.

I mean, a little activism in your rap music isn't a bad thing. But the whole album is good. I never thought I'd be into rap music. My musical history has been a bit... convoluted.

In the 80's, with a sister 10 yrs older, I wasn't listening to the normal pop that other kids my age were. While the other kids kids were listening to New Kids on the Block and fangirling over boy band boys, here I was, listening to "Disintegration" by The Cure. Like, I know my '80s club music. And Prince. Both "Purple Rain" and "Under the Cherry Moon" were albums (and movies) that got played a lot in my house. My first concert was Michael Jackson. So it's a weird cross section of '80s and early '90s music I heard because of my sister. Like, I remember being a tag along (the you can't get in trouble if your little sister is along with you method of parenting) and listening (and singing along with) Funky Cold Medina in the car.

Then my my sister got married and moved out and my mom was super Christian and we only listened to classical or oldies with my mom and smooth jazz with my dad. On the other hand my appreciation of the Beatles grew. So that's good. But then I started driving and I was able to pick my own music.

And I started with 90's pop and I just. wasn't. into. it. And then the station I was listening to played Oasis. I dug that. Then one day, scanning through the stations I landed on 101X and they were playing Oasis. And I haven't looked back. So, my music became part grunge scene with Nirvana and Pearl Jam, part ska with No Doubt and Sublime, part rap with Beastie Boys, some electronica with Prodigy and Crystal Method, heavier music with Rage Against the Machine and Nine Inch Nails and Korn and Tool, add in Red Hot Chile Peppers (the Blood Sugar Sex Magic era), Jane's Addiction, The Toadies and a dash of lounge music and big band (big Bad Voodoo Daddies what up) and you've got a pretty good cross section of my musical background.

I got into POS from Dessa, via Doomtree. And I got into Dessa from Cali. When she came and visited I played Ani Difranco's "Not A Pretty Girl" and it sparked a connection and she played me "Dutch" and I fell in love. So as I absorbed Dessa, I started listening to Doomtree and it's just so smart and full of references, and from there I started listening to other members of the crew. But anyway. Rap show. Wednesday.

All right folks, I'm out!
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Wed Feb 08, 2017 08:34 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-02-08 20:37:04
DeVos. Sessions.

I feel like I've been suckerpunched.

And I'm getting worried. About this whole unable to eat thing. I walked over 14,000 steps today. On a yogurt, most of a small salad, a couple hard boiled eggs, a banana, and some coffee. I had planned on eating dinner tonight, but that just killed my appetite. So I walked for an hour and a half. This isn't like me. I'm not the person who gets stressed and stops eating. Like I know I should go fix something for dinner, but it's 9:30pm and I'm not hungry and I just want to sit here.

In the dark. On the floor. Staring at the darkness.

It's not even been three full weeks.

B tells me to stop reading about and stop listening if it's that upsetting. But I disagree. I'd rather be cognizant of the things that are happening and at least try to do something by making phone calls and sending faxes and connecting with others. But I can't eat. I don't want to eat. I feel like this is a really unhealthy road I'm traveling down right now and I have zero experience here. Hypoglycemia. Eating has sort of been an omnipresent burden. I'm trying to make sure that what I do eat is food my body can use and not junk, but still. I just want to cry.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By ChristinePremium member
On Wed Feb 08, 2017 11:22 PM
I have a ton of things to say, but out of kindness, I won't. I too am in a dark place and likely to fan the fire when CO2 is called for.

But in lieu of "a ton", let me offer this... for the moment (you know me well enough to know that eventually the ton will arrive...)

1) Marriage is HARD. When my husband and I met neither of us was old enough to vote. (More on this at a later date.) It is not for the immature, selfish, or faint of heart,.... to quote or paraphrase, an old movie. It is worth the work, but it does take two. And just when you think you have it figured out, outside forces, as well as normal growing pains, take their toll. If I had to offer one single piece of advice, it would be, put love first. Again, more on this another time.

2) The cabinet and all things Donald.... UGH. Taking it all in stride would be a sign of insufficient intellect,character, soul, heart, or all of the above. More than half of the people who actually voted feel this way.... many more also feel this way, and we are all parallelized by fear to some degree. Those who joined this cult are still behaving like cult members. They are distrustful of all evidence that indicates they have supported a liar and perhaps have been duped, and continue to exhibit a passion for ignorance. It is hard to watch people you formerly admired, "Join The Moonies" . I have noticed, men, being saddled with that rather less capable Y-Chromosome, seem to be embracing the, "I can't change the world, ... I can hardly change myself, so screw it and carry on", coping mechanism. Women, being saddled with the heavier, more information laden Double X, tend to feel things more deeply and can't let it go as easily.

Since I am a woman, I agree that we shouldn't.... but since men seem to be able to... let them.... can't change them either, and someone has to move forward. We may find the answers we need, but perhaps they will be able to maintain life as we used to know it while we do.

One of my sons' grandmother-in-law, survived the Nazis. She is 88 and one of the most remarkable women I have ever met. My grandchildren, her great grandchildren, adore her. "Oma knows everything", one of them told me. "That's why she is so smart and we love her." Of course there is more to that observation, as made by a 6 year old.... but trust me on this one.... even she is concerned. "Oh, that Trump... he is a bad one, alright", she says in her German accent. "It will be good to see him go." At 88, having experienced more than most of us can imagine, she is able to see past him to better days ahead. I believe her.

3) It sounds so corny, but it is true.... The older you get, the harder your life gets. We want to believe we will become smarter and wiser and more able to navigate the business of being human, and we do. BUT.... as we do, we realize there are all kind of things, "Further back, deeper in", that we never knew to work into the equations before. Hang in there. You are a brilliant, sensitive, talented, and creative, woman. It will be OK. In fact, it will be more than OK. xoxo

Hugs.... so many hugs. These are perilous times. Only shallow, damaged, people can face these days without concerns. You are not alone. xoxo

Keep On Dancing*
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Fri Feb 10, 2017 11:19 AM
Hello all!

I'm pretty sure I experienced that rare phenomenon known as dreaming last night. I don't remember much, except something about muscles and downward spirals and motion, I don't know. But seriously, how do you dreamers do that every night!? I feel so tired today. My sleep was shallow and I spent most of my time in the in-between stages of sleep and awake.

I'm going to bake cakes today! I found out there's a store nearby that has baking supplies. I think I need some sugar glitter. Because while baking the cakes is pretty easy, I have some trouble decorating them. So some pretty shiny stuff will go a long way towards hiding flaws.

Anyway, I'll let you know how it turns out!
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By ChristinePremium member
On Fri Feb 10, 2017 09:07 PM
Hope the cakes go well.... I happen to know a few things about decorating, so let me know if you need some "tips" (no pun intended!)

Keep On Dancing*
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Sun Feb 12, 2017 10:13 AM
1) RL's White velvet butter cake
2) decorated
3) J's red velvet cake
4) decorated
5) sewed fringe to the bottom of my skirt and broke out my dance fishnets (because dance fishnets > hosiery fishnets
6) headband I made

I "bobbed" my hair for the party. I took a large hair clip and rolled my hair around the arm, like if you were setting rollers, and clipped it in a bob. I took a few bobby pins to anchor it and gently tugged it around to soften it up. The headband was just ribbon with an old hair tie split and sewn at the back, two feathers, and a sparkly button. I hid the back under my hair before I rolled it up. If you're on my instagram or Facebook, you can see the full result.

I'm a bit hungover right now. I've got a headache and I'm soooooo dry. I had so. much. booze. Two little glasses of champagne, a larger glass of grapefruit mimosa, then white wine/ginger beer punch, then more punch, then I start to lose track. Don't worry, B was my designated driver or I'd have camped on J's sofa because oh man I was drunk.

But J and A and me sat around having the best and most absurd conversations. A and I are going to Carnival in town later this month. I have NO IDEA what to wear. But A is braver than me, she wants to rock this beautiful chain mail bra she has and she doesn't want everything out in the open, so J was suggesting making a jeweled pastie where the jewel is large enough to cover the nipple, and then attach bright feathers around it for a pop of color through the chain mail. That got us talking about pasties and nipple size and all kinds of random topics. But it was great. The party was wonderful and I have no regrets. That's a lie. I regret probably the last 3 glasses of champagne. Anyway, say prayers for my liver, it's a hard worker and deserves a gold star. Love y'all!
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