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re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Tue Feb 14, 2017 09:38 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-02-14 21:39:29
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-02-14 22:26:33 More angry.
I hate to sound ungrateful. It's the thought that counts though, right?

Okay, this gets a little explicit too, so, you've been warned.

That picture makes that $19.98 bouquet of flowers look far lovelier than they actually are. The hot pink flowers have obviously been absorbing pink dye because they stained my fingers pink from handling the stems and leaves. The large red flowers? Spray painted. The skinny small bright pink flowers? Spray painted. The white large flower with the pink inside? Spray painted.

Okay fine. So B doesn't do the whole flower thing so well. At least he bothered to stop and walk into the grocery store and buy them. Also, his card was really good.

Monday and Tuesday are my long days. I work and teach a combination of nearly 20 hours between those two days. And that doesn't include the 45 minute drive to work, the 30 minute drive to the studio and the 15 minute drive home. We decided to do Valentine's dinner this weekend, which is fine. Sincerely so, not girl speak "it's fine."

But while I'm in my first class I get a text asking if I would bring home Chinese food. I like Chinese food. I don't like it to the extent he does. So I tell him when I'll be done with classes and if he calls it in I'll pick it up. And no I don't want anything. Because we just ****ing had Chinese food. So I go over to pick it up. And wait. And wait. And wait. Because apparently he waited until my last class was done to call it in.

I bring food home, see the card and flowers. He starts watching tv while I deal with the flowers because they were still in their plastic cover with the price tag on it. So I cut stems and stain my fingers from the shitty dye while he eats dinner. I go upstairs and ask if he wants to watch a movie - spend some time together. Sure, after his show is over in 30 mins. Okay. I'm tired but, okay.

Show ends.

"Hey, you wouldn't want to do something for me?"

I know exactly what he's asking and no. I sincerely don't. But, maybe I'm wrong.

Me: "Like what?"

B: "Suck on me?"

Me: "..."

B: "No?"

Me: "Not tonight. I mean I'd be down for some sexy times but I really don't want to give you a blow job."

To be fair, I really don't like giving blow jobs. Maybe if he were actually better at oral himself, and reciprocated so that I could get off too... but no. So, I'm super disinclined to really ever get him off that way. But Valentine's Day or not, when I've been working this much, I'm especially not in the mood to spend what feels like an eternity getting him there. And double especially when he just wants to finger me awkwardly while I do it. It doesn't feel good. And I've told him that. Yet he asks to do it every time. And every time I tell him it doesn't feel good to me - not at that angle (others positions, sure). And every time he tells me he enjoys it and it gets him off faster. What part of IT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD TO ME DORS HE NOT GET?

So we have sex, which was fine, I guess. I mean it did basically nothing for me. But then I wasn't the point so... But I never am. As someone super inexperienced sexually (he's been it), I still feel pretty assured that I can say that our sex life is mediocre at best. He wants to just have sex and finish. He flat out refuses to do any foreplay. When I've asked - insisted even - he just gives up and says he's not in the mood anymore. He also doesn't want me to move. Like you know how you want to move with your partner? Nope. It "makes it difficult for me" so he'd prefer I just lay there. On top? Well, then he just lays there. Maybe occasionally gropes my breasts. But after he commented that he "never cums that way" it sort of killed the allure. he doesn't cum, so why should he participate? So honestly, it's frequently easier and more enjoyable to just watch some porn and get myself off on my own time. You know, at least I can make me orgasm.

So yeah.

Oh and before you say, we'll have you told him this? Like not while you're having sex? Yes. We've had this conversation. Many times. I just don't matter. What matters is that he cums. Whether I do doesn't ever factor in. If something feels good and I communicate that he almost immediately stops because "he's tired." Okay, I'm done.

I had a better Valentine's Day sending Dragon Age and Dr. Who valentines through text to my friends than I did arriving home tonight to be with my husband. The card was nice though. But I'm currently texting this on my phone in the shower because I'm just disappointed. Flowers from the grocery store is pretty lame. I kind of wish he had bought nothing at all. At least then it wouldn't feel so half-assed. And he's just not romantic. And he's cheap. And he's selfish and self-absorbed. And I feel like I could be anyone. Literally anyone. But whatever. It's my own choice to stay, right? Right. So stop bitching about it Suma.

We're going to skip the movie. We're both "too tired." So. Happy Freaking Valentine's Day folks. :/
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Wed Feb 15, 2017 12:56 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-02-15 13:28:37
Oh hey, so. I sorta feel I should apologize for all the sordid details of my lackluster love life, but there you go. I mean, it is a diary, this is just a public one that people who know in me in real life also sometimes read (hey y'all) and has over 1300 views. Just a cozy intimate space for my private thoughts. I'm inclined to delete that post or maybe just edit it way down, but then again, I don't know who reads this and who might be going through a similar situation where being frank and honest gives them the courage to maybe do the things I cannot.

Because here's what I've come to the conclusion of: it's not like I'm going to leave him. Even though every fiber of my being is saying, "It'll be fine. You will be fine. You don't need him. You are capable and competent and can be fine on your own," I'm too scared. Not of any like bodily harm. Just, that's a huge step and a HUGE unknown. At this point, I'm having a hard time just dealing with our present administration, heap lawyer fees and time and stress onto that and I probably would have a legitimate breakdown. So, here I am. And I may change my mind later. But if I'm too scared of the unknowns right now because I'm not dealing particularly great with the knowns then staying my course seems like the wisest action to take.

Also, who knows, maybe I can get him receptive to therapy. Every time I've brought it up in the past, he shoots it down so fast. But maybe we need to sit down and talk about this. (I say that as though we haven't, we have... it's just been a while.) It's just frustrating because anytime we do try to sit down and talk he shuts down. Completely. Well. Anyway. That's where things stand for the moment.

Rap show tonight!!! Yay!
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Sun Feb 19, 2017 09:46 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-02-19 22:08:38
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-02-19 23:21:00
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-02-19 23:24:17 There will be more edits tomorrow.
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-02-20 08:04:03
I'll catch y'all up on Valentine's and what not tomorrow. For now though, there's this:

I posted this to social media today:

So other people are apparently under the delusion that I am a capable adult who adults well.

No part of me looks like an adulty adult adulting adultly.

But yet while I was staring at wax melters, this college age girl starts asking me about essential oils. Her mom got her a diffuser with the sticks and she was wondering if the small selection of oils taking up an 1/8 of a shelf was all they had.

Okay. To be fair my job requires me to deal with said stick diffusers, so I actually did have some useful help for her. I sent her down to the natural foods aisle where the real essential oils were. She thanked me as we crossed paths again later in the store.

But this isn't an isolated incident.

A few months back I'm buying shallots and I get stopped by an Italian grandmother with a thick accent who starts talking to me. She starts asking me what they are and how to use them. I... I gave advice to an actual Italian grandmother on shallots. I feel that's horribly backwards.

But my point is, I'm barely adulting well enough to get by. I am not your adulty adult. This is not the face of competence.


And I started thinking about Imposter Syndrome. (Hello fellow frauds, I love you.) I mean, we've all got it. For those not in the know, the ever trustworthy Wikipedia:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome wrote:

Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon or fraud syndrome) is a concept describing high-achieving individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud". The term was coined in 1978 by clinical psychologists Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne A. Imes. Despite external evidence of their competence, those exhibiting the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be. Some studies suggest that impostor syndrome is particularly common among high-achieving women.


Now I surely would not describe myself as a high-achieving individual, but the point is there. Maybe I am more competent than I give myself credit for. Maybe it's not me (or you) that's the problem. It's easy to not really feel like we know what we're doing.

Because we don't.

But no one does.

It's hard to compare our progress when there aren't any markers or guidelines. Everything is so different than it used to be and all of our goals have changed.

The American Dream... "the ideal that every US citizen should have an equal opportunity to achieve success and prosperity through hard work, determination, and initiative."

At one point, that was a quick selection of go to school -> get a job -> get married -> buy a house -> raise a family -> something something white picket fences (do those actually exist!?). It was all very heteronormative, with the man doing "men's jobs" and the woman staying home to do "women's work." But the dynamic shifted. Progress was made and the economy became such that having a single breadwinner was unfeasible. But there was still a very clear divide between "men's jobs" and "women's work." Men were not secretaries, women were not CEOs. Success was measured by whether you check marks next to the items on the above list. Then the dynamic shifted again as feminists fought for women's equality.

So now fast forward to today. There's no clear cut guidelines that say you are successful or you aren't. Because we're not all chasing the same carrot. Sure some people still want the 1950's household where the man is the breadwinner and the woman stays home tends the family and cleaning and meals. But that's not real life anymore. Go pick up a copy of Teen Vogue this month - it's a thing of beauty. That's where our society of headed and I personally think it's glorious. But it also means that success is defined differently for every person.

Why do I feel like a fraud? I have a job (I have 3 jobs), I own a car that's paid off (the POS it is), I have a house that I took out a mortgage on, I have a spouse. That's being a successful adult, right?

But it doesn't feel that way. It feels like I'm in the middle of the ocean treading water and trying not to drown. And everyone around is drowning too. I hear more experienced, adulty adults tell me that they just made it up while they went and they have no idea either.

So maybe that's the trick. None of us are succeeding, but we're not outright failing either. We're figuring it out as we go, it's just that the rules are a bit different now than they used to be and the markers and guidelines don't really apply. So, I guess so long as your nose is above the waterline, you too are a successful adult. And if you start to slip under, someone is close enough to help pull you back up again.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Mon Feb 20, 2017 09:53 AM
Okay, so B and I went out for a our Valentine's dinner. Lunch? Mid-afternoon meal? Sure. We went out for steaks at a midprice steakhouse and it was nice.

The real story though was that he actively wanted to do stuff with me. He started off by asking what a pedicure was like. So I told him and my sweet metrosexual hubby goes, "We should do that tomorrow." At which point I had to inform his that typically nail salons are not open on Sunday. So, we have plans to get pedicures and at least him a manicure on Thursday after work. This, the same man who used to give me grief about get occasional pedicures wants to experience one for himself. I'm super tempted to convince him to get his toenails painted...

He also wants to go see a movie. Once there's something worth seeing in the theatre. So I'll take the gestures. This is much, much more effort than he's put into our relationship in a long time. So I will do what I can to reciprocate that back. Who knows, maybe this can kindle something in me again. That would be nice. It would be really nice to actively WANT to spend time with him again. It's small, but like the grain of sand in the NeverEnding Story, you can grow something small into something larger with enough belief.

Also, the rap show was fantastic! I highly recommend that if P.O.S. comes to your town, go to his show. It was also a really good sized crowd given the show happened at 10pm on a Wednesday night.

This weekend is Carnaval Basileiro with A. I mnaged to find an outfit that is sparkly and fun (praise the dance costume pieces I've saved) without being, you know, body paint and pasties. I just do not have that sort of body confidence, but more power to those who do! It'll be... an experience. I'm much more an introvert and Carnaval is super not an introverts place. But I'll try almost anything once!
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces (karma: 1)
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Wed Feb 22, 2017 05:37 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-02-22 13:44:41
I've been seeing a lot of 4am lately.

I've been falling asleep!!! which is a huge step in the right direction, but that whole staying asleep thing isn't working out so hot for me. I've been seeing 4am more and more, even before the past trio of nights.

Sunday night.

We had a HUGE thunderstorm. NonTexans, let me explain: it knocked over a train. Also, there were tornados.

I don't like thunderstorms at the best of times. They combine two things I am legitimately afraid of into one super terrifying beast: overwhelming amounts of rain and lightning. Having been outside in a thunderstorm before, you feel like you could drown. There's just so. much. water. everywhere. It stings as it hits your body, presses in on you, makes it hard to catch your breath. And lightning has stuck in front of me while I was driving in a storm before. Stuck waaaa y too close for comfort. Maybe 100 ft in front of me? Close enough that I slammed on my brakes and the car shook. So ever since then, I've had some anxiety concerning thunderstorms. Reasonably so, if I may add.

Well, as we're going to bed, B looks at me says, "I don't care how bad it gets don't wake me up." You see the last major storm (which this happened a long enough time ago that I had forgotten about it until he brought it up), I started crying in bed. Paralyzed to move, lighting flashes illuminating the room through the uncovered cracks around the windows, thunder crashes rattling the glass. It woke him up. My fear and crying woke him up that time and he was having none of it this time.

Wow.

I just... I feel so loved and cared for...

ANYWAY. So we try to sleep with the storm raging and my internal raging at his lack of delicacy and concern.

But Karma's a bitch.

And she hates me.

Because I finally drop off the sleep out of sheer exhaustion and am awakened at 4am. By B. Who has the bathroom door wide open and the light on (I'm super sensitive to lights being on when I try to sleep). Apparently he got up to use the restroom, left the freaking door open, blew his nose at the toilet and had a fairly major nosebleed. I'm now wide awake. He goes back to sleep. So that was fun before my longest work day of nearly 11hrs.

Monday night.

So Monday, I go to bed fairly early - 12:30ish? And I'm awoken at 4am by B screaming/crying. Justly so. I thought he was having a nightmare. He turns on the bedroom light and there are rivulets of blood pouring down his face from his eye.

It seems the cat misjudged jumping up on the bed and landed on his face, slicing open his eyelid and leaving other puncture wounds around his eye.

I'm not ashamed to say I nearly passed out. I'm okay with blood in a surgical setting. I'm less okay with major trauma. This was major trauma. But once I got my focus back, I got him an ice pack and rubbing alcohol and hydrogen peroxide and helped clean him up a bit.

He's fine. It didn't require stitches.

It probably should have required stitches.

But he's fine. He went to work. I went to work. My second longest day.

And now tonight. 4am came and I'm wide awake. Been wide awake. Woke up some time after 3am and drifted in and out for about 45 minutes before being fully awake at 4. So. That's fun. In the past three night I've averaged between 3 and 3.5 hrs of sleep? For a grand total for 9-11 hrs of sleep since going to bed Sunday night.

I suppose, given my history of insomnia, and some *weeks* only getting that much sleep, I should be grateful. But I'm not.

I did make myself eat dinner three nights running so that's something. I guess.

****

Quick change of subject.

Politics.

This is a text I got from a friend (personal information removed):
"I'm really feeling like I'm legitimately at the end of my rope.... I'm just tired. I'm not feeling well at all lately.... I just can't anymore. I mean, when I say I'm at the end of my rope, I don't mean for like today. I mean this is when something has to give."

If you voted for Trump and you're reading my diary, I want you to know that YOU are personally responsible for that text. If you helped put that incompetent child in office, I hold you directly responsible. This is your fault.

That text could have come from any number of my friends, and those of you reading it probably feel amazing empathy to her feelings because you're also feeling that way. So many of you work in jobs where you are trying to make difference. So many of you are standing up for the inequalities you see, the lack of justice, the lack of knowledge. So many of you fit into multiple cross-sections that this administration is targeting - be it you are a Person of Color, or your religion/religious background, your sexuality, your gender, you're non-cisgender, you're an immigrant, you're disabled. Almost every single one of my friends fits into multiple categories. WHICH IS HOW LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE. We're not supposed to be this Stepford Wives collection of replicas.

But the point is, that's what this administration wants. If you're not white, you're wrong. If you're a woman, you're wrong. If you don't want a heteronormative marriage with 2.5 kids, you're wrong. If you aren't a Christian, you're wrong. AND THAT MENTALITY IS DAMAGING PEOPLE. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. It's also emboldening the bigots, the misogynists, the racists, the homophobes, the xenophobes, the religious intolerant - the fascists and the nazis are feeling safe to come out and do horrible things to people. To push their agenda of white male dominance and hatred. It makes communities fear, it makes wonderful people like my friend physically and emotionally ill because it's so overwhelming.

In the face of real bodily harm and threats against your way of life, just getting out of bed is becoming a challenge. You Trump supporters, how the hell do you justify this? Explain to me how it's right that your actions are now directly causing my friend to be ill? And she is ill. I edited out the health concerns she listed to me, but I promise, they are extensive and not helped by the stress of everything around her. I have another friend with chronic pain - fibromyalgia - and she has had more bad days than good since this administration took place because the outright stress of the world is exhausting her. Did you know that fibromyalgia has only had an official code since October of 2016? That's when ICD 10 came out and they finally gave it it's own ICD code: M79.7. Before that it was lumped in with other codes. And while it may not seem like much, it's only been months since it has had it's own stand alone diagnosis. And that's assuming you can even afford the insurance to get the diagnosis in the first place. And now even that is in jeopardy.

Texts I got from her:
"Days when the weather changes I get that real bad. I'll be up for 36-42 hrs. It sucks. My record staying up is 46."
"You know, weather hangs today. I got out of bed about a hour ago. [it was 6:30pm] So, my sleep is going to be off for about a week. Same ol' same ol'."

And that's just how she feels on medication when the weather is fluctuating. Now add in conversations about insurance (her premiums are over $800 a month) and the threat of losing her healthcare? That stress adds up.

DO YOU PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'VE DONE?

I cry for my friends. My heart absolutely breaks for them. To see the people I care about, people I genuinely love, hurting so much... I lay in bed and cry silent tears because I cannot do anything to help them. I cannot physically remove their burdens, their problems, their fears. I can only tell my friends I love them and that they are the world to me. I call my senators, I vote, I spread whatever information I can do more people see it and her it and know. But I cannot actually DO ANYTHING to help them.

I hate it all so much. To all my friends, no matter where you live, you have my whole heart. I love you so much. And I am so sorry. And I wish more than anything that I could do something - anything - to help.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Fri Feb 24, 2017 11:41 AM
I have coffee regrets this morning.

As in I did not procure coffee and I am undercaffeinated. Think I'm going to die.

Sleep was less than fulfilling last night. I tossed and turned for hours. My skin felt alive - as though all my nerve endings were awake and alert and I could even feel my toenails on my nailbed. My hair, my clothes, the blanket. I could feel everything on my skin and it was driving me crazy. I don't know what was up, but I couldn't get comfortable and fall sleep.

We need to talk about Steven Strait for a hot minute.
Image hotlink - 'https://cdn.cloudpix.co/images/steven-strait/steven-strait-4ccb363a53e2135fd453d6fb353d293a-large-1237106.jpg'
A really hot minute.
Image hotlink - 'http://media.gettyimages.com/photos/actor-steven-strait-from-syfys-masters-of-sex-poses-in-the-getty-picture-id484772336'

Okay. So I haven't started really watching The Expanse yet, but oh man. Do I ever have reason now. Also, I've heard it's excellent Sci-Fi - like the best Sci-Fi series since Battlestar Galatica and y'all know how much I watched the heck out of that series.

But he's beautiful. Like, really, really, really beautiful. I could just stare at pics of him for hours. (I have been, legitimately.)

Okay y'all. I may come back and add/edit this later but now feast your eyes on Steven Strait. I recommend googling "Steven Strait Expanse" because he is getting hotter as he's getting older and he's only like 30 or something so... Yes.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 11338, member since Sun Nov 23, 2003
On Mon Feb 27, 2017 08:19 AM
I didn't like The Expanse :X I mean, I'm sure other people did because it's so highly lauded, and maybe it gets better later in the season? But I watched the first 2-3 episodes and spent most of the time yelling at the screen because the characters were so unlikeable and uninteresting. So I cut my losses because life's too short, etc. Maybe if you stick with it longer than I did you'll find the good bits?! :D
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Mon Feb 27, 2017 11:15 AM
I made it (mostly) through the first three episodes. I had a migraine last night so I didn't really pay as much attention to the third episode as I should have. It's definitely a show you need to pay attention to, you can't casually watch it - so watching with a headache was a little defeatist. B watched the first season, and I only sorta kinda paid attention to it, it didn't jump out and grab me. But I've heard really good things about from many people and we have the first season handy so it seems like a good time to reevaluate my first impression.

I've also heard there's a lot from the books that made it into the show - details they could have glossed over. So that is heartening too. I have a feeling it's going to be a series where the first season is finding itself and its audience base and then the subsequent seasons will just build on that foundation. So, a lot of set-up, a lot of quick, though perhaps not deep, character development to set the baseline, and a lot of here-is-the-world-situation-everyone-up-to-speed to give it a good premise for the show to grow from. Because everyone has said the second season is already better.

****

So, I went to Carnaval Brasileiro on Saturday night. It was pretty amazing. This year was New Orlean's themed so it was a giant Cajun samba party. Basically, it was a reason to dress up in costumes and watch great dance and drum and music performers and drink and dance and have a good time. It was also a place of great body positivity and acceptance - it didn't matter how old you were, how much you weighed, how in shape you were, it as the spirit of the party that was important. Most people were in some combination state of undress-dress. A lot of (intricate, amazing) body paint. A lot of glowing and light up costumes. Some people wore as little as a thong and body paint and wings, some came covered up completely. It didn't matter what you wore or didn't, everyone looked amazing.

I wore some fishnets and comfy heels, a red handkerchief skirt from Capezio that was a costume piece from years ago, the top to my Columbia costume from a few Halloweens ago tacked onto a bustier, a purple feather boa, a gold sequin choker with pretty beads, some long gold Mardi Gras-esque necklaces, a mask with feathers, and my sister did an upside down French braid and then made a bow with the ends of my hair. So I was in theme, but I felt a little more covered because my body confidence wasn't really there. My friend A rocked some awesome star pasties, a chainmail bra, belly dance waist and head piece with a black skirt. We looked fabulous if I do say so myself!

While it was a great time and fun, I don't know that I'd go again. My introvertedness would have been just as happy hanging out in my living room in pajamas and drinking wine and talking and laughing. But as far as experiences go, I'm glad I went and had the opportunity.

A few of y'all who check in on me and keep me sane may find a present in your mail soon. Just... thank you. I love you. Your presence in my life is huge and you mean more to me than I will ever express or you will ever know. All my love, my whole heart to you. <3
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Wed Mar 01, 2017 04:07 PM
I have decided the uterus is completely useless organ. There will be no organisms growing within its walls. Frankly I don't even know what I was going to say. Some tirade on how it sucks to be a girl.

I feel underwater. I feel like I can't focus. Lightheaded. I'm like hemorrhaging blood. I am hemorrhaging blood. You know how period blood is usually darker? For the past 24 hours it's been bright red. Every time I empty the cup out, there's like an eighth to a quarter ounce of bright red blood. And I've emptied that cup like, what? 5 or 6 times since I got to work today? So at least a solid ounce of blood since 8:30am. Not including yesterday or last night. I feel anemic.

I also started taking my supplements again for my adrenals. The dark spots on my face are getting darker and larger. That's a sign my hormones are out of whack (no kidding) and my adrenals aren't working so well. I feel like a baby whining, but I hate taking pills. I know I don't have it so bad.

I got about 3 hrs of sleep last night.

I want to go home.

I want to go home.

I want to go home.

I want to go home.

I want to go home.

I want to go home.

I want to go home.

I want to go home.

I want to go home.

One foot in front of the other.

You can do it.

One foot in front of the other.

Just keep going.

One foot in front of the other.

Just keep going.

I want to go home.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Wed Mar 01, 2017 10:55 PM
So Invot home around 6:45pm and I flopped onto bed and just found some quiet stillness there. About 30 minutes later B comes in. He can't find Cosmo. Still in my work clothes I get up and head outside and we start searching. I walked miles in my work clothes and ill fitting flip flops that were handy. Came home, got in my car and drove around the neighborhood and surrounding neighborhoods. I saw two wild rabbits and a few cats, but no gold and white Cosmo doggie. Came home, changed clothes and hit the street again (in sneakers) and walked for miles until my legs started to buckle underneath me and I had begin to audibly cry.

So here I am at home. I took a shower to warm up since it's a cold night and I'm in bed. I can only hope someone scooped up my elderly pup (Cosmo is 14yrs old) and is keeping him overnight. B posted to our local Next Door and tomorrow when I can focus, I'll post signs by the mailboxes. And hopefully someone will call. Presently l, I'm not so hopeful. I hope so. Inhopemtonhave my god returned to me but my gut instinct? He's 14 and he's the last of his litter. I think he went on one last grand adventure and I don't think we'll see him again alive. Maybe that's just the pessimistic exhaustion talking, and we'll get a call from someone tomorrow. I sincerely hope we do.

This... this has been a hard couple of days. I've got to sleep. Good night friends.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Thu Mar 02, 2017 12:46 PM
Cosmo was found.

We have to fix a hole in the fence.

I'm probably anemic on top of the adrenal fatigue which I stopped taking stuff for because I didn't think the supplements were doing anything (I was wrong) and I'm really super not doing well.

Also, had a fight with B this morning.

Guys, I hate to be this pathetic and dramatic but life blows. I'm super over all of it.

If you need me, I'll be in my bed, hiding from the world.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By MarlaSingermember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 3906, member since Fri Jul 25, 2008
On Thu Mar 02, 2017 02:45 PM
Hey there, it's Jonelle. I have not been on DDN in a hot minute but something persuaded me to do so today and I have just got done reading through this diary. I am so, so bad at giving legitimately good advice or anything like that, but I just wanted you to know I'm here. DM me on Facebook anytime you want to talk. I am thinking about you and I want the best for you. Please stop downplaying your concerns. You don't have to have the suckiest life that anyone could ever have in order to be able to say, "You know, this sucks, and I'm having a hard time." I know you know that; just thought it might help to hear it from someone else.

Also, I have not been married as long as you have, but Mark and I have been together for 14 years, living together for 11 of those, so I'd like to think I'm not clueless about relationships. I refuse to give unsolicited advice on principle, but if it ever strikes your fancy, solicit away. :)

Love you! Hang in there, lady. xoxoxo
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Sun Mar 05, 2017 10:11 AM
I've been having a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I don't have messenger installed on my phone most of the time and when I do, I have notifications turned off. And I've deleted and reinstalled Facebook about a dozen time now. I really need to go through and cull out people and clean it up, but that's such a headache. For instance, I'm still friends with K's exhusband, but that was intentional, since she couldn't see what he was posting, it gave me the opportunity to sort of keep an eye on things and report back. But now that their divorce is done, I can get rid of him. But there's other people like that I'm friends with, who I don't need to be friends with anymore. Or people who I have zero interaction with anymore. Eh. So for anyone who has my number, that's a far better means of contacting me. I'll Facebook sorted at some point.

The past few days I've slept. Like slept hard. I've been talking to Dr. G about it, and she's having me get back on the adrenal supplements and do a laser series on myself. I need to get a blood test done to see if I'm anemic. But I told her that my monthly sleep average is about 6 hours a night, but that doesn't include days like today where I was in bed before 11pm and am still laying in bed at 11am. She said that's called exhaustion. I need to be getting real sleep, every night. And that the adrenals can take a year? or longer? to heal and repair. So I've got to be patient.

I'm down 25lbs. Since the new administration. I had coffee, one large meal, and 3 beers yesterday. At least beer has calories? *sigh* I'm not sorry to be losing weight, but I also don't want to fall into the mindset that not eating = weightloss = a good thing. But it's hard. All the weight I gained from the depression my body just not working right over the past five years makes me feel super less than. And if you've seen pictures of me, you know I have the fat girl angles down.

Since I started taking the adrenal supplements again, the dark spots on my forehead are fading. I know adrenal fatigue isn't a real diagnosis. It's not actually a thing. Medically, it would be caught under ICD 10 codes of E00 - E89, "endocrine, nutritional and metabolic diseases," probably more specifically ICD 10 code E27.40 "unspecified adrenocortical insufficiency." But that doesn't make my endocrine system or my adrenals less screwed up. So I'm taking a liquid herbal supplement that helps support adrenal function, as well as a dozen herbal supplements 3 times a day. Part of me is thinking, this is crap. This is woo-woo fake "medicine." And part of me is going, well the spots on your face say differently. But honestly, at the moment, given there is no specific "adrenal fatigue" diagnosis and I check off every one of the supposed symptoms, herbalistic medicine is what I've got. Because the alternative is a lot of expensive tests to confirm that "it's not a proven medical condition. Your adrenal glands make hormones. One of these is cortisol, which helps your body deal with stress. According to the adrenal fatigue theory, if your life is too stressful, your adrenal glands may not pump out enough hormones, leading to a wide variety of symptoms." Thanks WebMD! I feel better now. There's absolutely nothing wrong with me. Except that the tests I have done basically show that, yeah, my cortisol levels are way off, my thyroid isn't exactly working precisely right, and there are, in fact, some real hormonal problems happening. *sigh*

In other news, Saint M got me listening to the Tanis podcast. If you like a little conspiracy theory and unsolved real life murder mystery/serial killer in your sci-if, it's a good time. Season 3 just started. I'm still in season 2. It's compelling and fun. It's pretty well written and for the most part you can suspend disbelief and just go with it. So if you're looking for a podcast, do listen. They also just started new one, Rabbits, so if you want in on the beginning of one, get to it. It's a fun distraction from the malaise of everyday life.

All right, time to brave the grocery store and get projects done at home. No rest for the weary and the adrenal depleted, you know...
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Mon Mar 06, 2017 02:06 PM
For those curious, here's the Mayo Clinic's description of Adrenal Fatigue, or rather Adrenal Insufficiency:
Mayo Clinic - Adrenal fatigue: What causes it? wrote:

Adrenal fatigue is a term applied to a collection of nonspecific symptoms, such as body aches, fatigue, nervousness, sleep disturbances and digestive problems. The term often shows up in popular health books and on alternative medicine websites, but it isn't an accepted medical diagnosis.

Your adrenal glands produce a variety of hormones that are essential to life. The medical term adrenal insufficiency (Addison's disease) refers to inadequate production of one or more of these hormones as a result of an underlying disease.

Signs and symptoms of adrenal insufficiency may include:

  • Fatigue
  • Body aches
  • Unexplained weight loss
  • Low blood pressure
  • Lightheadedness
  • Loss of body hair
  • Skin discoloration (hyperpigmentation)

Adrenal insufficiency can be diagnosed by blood tests and special stimulation tests that show inadequate levels of adrenal hormones.

Proponents of the adrenal fatigue diagnosis claim this is a mild form of adrenal insufficiency caused by chronic stress. The unproven theory behind adrenal fatigue is that your adrenal glands are unable to keep pace with the demands of perpetual fight-or-flight arousal. As a result, they can't produce quite enough of the hormones you need to feel good. Existing blood tests, according to this theory, aren't sensitive enough to detect such a small decline in adrenal function -- but your body is.

It's frustrating to have persistent symptoms your doctor can't readily explain. But accepting a medically unrecognized diagnosis from an unqualified practitioner could be worse. Unproven remedies for so-called adrenal fatigue may leave you feeling sicker, while the real cause -- such as depression or fibromyalgia -- continues to take its toll.


So of those symptoms of alleged adrenal fatigue I definitely have fatigue, low blood pressure, some degree of loss of body hair, and I definitely have skin discoloration. I wouldn't say my weight loss is unexplained. No appetite, not eating enough, and increased physical activity would account for that. Body aches I don't get. Lightheadedness, yeah, I do get this from time to time, but it sort of goes hand in hand with low pressure, you know?.

I have had blood tests, et al to show where my levels are, refer to page 1 of my diary, so I know this isn't just a random diagnosis. I'm not trusting Dr. Google. I do have a doctor who is overseeing me because I do have some issues. And I have feeling, judging from the recent rise in skin discoloration, that my levels are probably more off than the tests showed then.

I don't think it's Addison's disease because my symptoms don't really fit well within those listed - fatigue, weight loss, and low blood pressure aren't exactly hallmarks to work off of and are also apart of a sundry other things. I also don't exhibit any of the other symptoms.

Depression? Yes. Obviously. I mean, again let's take a look at the Mayo Clinic's definition:
Mayo Clinic - Depression (major depressive disorder) wrote:

Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.

More than just a bout of the blues, depression isn't a weakness and you can't simply "snap out" of it. Depression may require long-term treatment. But don't get discouraged. Most people with depression feel better with medication, psychological counseling or both.

Although depression may occur only one time during your life, usually people have multiple episodes of depression. During these episodes, symptoms occur most of the day, nearly every day and may include:
  • Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness
  • Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports
  • Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
  • Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
  • Changes in appetite — often reduced appetite and weight loss, but increased cravings for food and weight gain in some people
  • Anxiety, agitation or restlessness
  • Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
  • Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself for things that aren't your responsibility
  • Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
  • Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide
  • Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

For many people with depression, symptoms usually are severe enough to cause noticeable problems in day-to-day activities, such as work, school, social activities or relationships with others. Other people may feel generally miserable or unhappy without really knowing why.

WELP.

So, is the adrenal disorder due to the depression, or is the depression from the adrenal disorder? Chicken or egg, folks. Because my hypoglycemia isn't diabetic or pre-diabetic (my glucose levels are great), that means it's hormonal. In regards to non-diabetic hypoglycemia, Mayo Clinic had this to say: "Hormone deficiencies: Certain disorders of the adrenal glands and the pituitary gland can result in a deficiency of key hormones that regulate glucose production. Children with these disorders are more prone to hypoglycemia than are adults." Yeah, I've had hypoglycemia since I was a wee child. Like itty-bitty. Pre-K or younger. Annnnnnnd from the depression article above (italics mine): "Hormones: Changes in the body's balance of hormones may be involved in causing or triggering depression. Hormone changes can result with pregnancy and during the weeks or months after delivery (postpartum) and from thyroid problems, menopause or a number of other conditions."

So. Yeah. And again, I'm not strictly consulting the interwebs for my information, I am under care. And I also realize that the Mayo Clinic is one step above WebMD in trustworthiness and accuracy of information, but it's also more accessible. I'm sure if pressed, I have the means to find studies and resource info for all of this and could present it, but for the moment, Mayo Clinic is good enough for me in this diary.

I don't know why I feel the need to justify this all here, but there you go. Given how anti-western medicine B is, specifically in regards to anti-psych meds, I'm thinking if I were to start any sort of depression medication, I'll need to do so quietly. I know I need to get in for annual check-up, maybe I'll mention my depression my doctor. It's been quite a while - pre-B actually - since I took any sort of depression/anxiety medication. And honestly, if it could get me over this hump so I could actually feel healthy, that might what I need to also get my adrenals under control. Because another year of this... man.

So that fight I mentioned? B lashed out to me with this:
Spoiler: Show
I don't understand why you can't sleep and why it always seems to be my fault. I can fall back asleep. You can too. I have seen you do it.

I don't understand why you hate your life so much and why you seem to hate taking care of our house and being productive in any way, shape or form. I can't keep working myself to death to make up for dance shortfalls. I can't. I won't.

I will not sacrifice any more of dance.

He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand depression. He doesn't get that insomnia isn't an always on or always off thing. And re: dance? He means that I spend time away from the house -unpaid- to help with the shows and stuff. He means when we have a week off and I don't get paid. He is constantly telling me I need to find a better paying job and work less hours. He wants me to be home? For what? To clean? Cook? Sit around and just be there? That's not how I want to live my life. Besides the fact that I loathe cleaning in the first place, it's super hard to get motivated when you're depressed.

UGGHHHH .

I bet talking with my regular doctor will help. I'll see about getting an appointment. Especially with this past period being so difficult and the pmdd before that. I should definitely get my annual exam taken care of. And a talk about my mental health. Because maybe some of my marriage problems would also resolve if I wasn't in a seeming permanent state of malaise and melancholy.

Right.

Love you beautiful people.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Mon Mar 06, 2017 04:06 PM
So, I guess the stars are aligned. It usually takes months to get in to see my PCP for an annual exam. They have an opening on Friday. This Friday. At 3pm.

I told B that given the situation with my mom and my grandmom (on my dad's side) both having uterine cancer, it would be prudent to stay on top of that. And I'm pretty sure I didn't go in last year. So I'll get my PAP smear and make sure everything is normal and also talk to my doctor about my adrenals, thyroid, possible anemia, difficult periods, and my mental health. And we'll go from there. She may be on board with what I've already done/doing, or maybe she'll prescribe something. I'm open to suggestion. Because something needs to give.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 11338, member since Sun Nov 23, 2003
On Wed Mar 08, 2017 07:50 AM
You need to get yourself into an endocrinologist, if at all possible. I'm not sure what your insurance situation is and I hate that I'm even having to even consider this (hooray America), but the adrenaline/thyroid link has a lot of new research and I'm actually gonna get in and see an endocrinologist again because my adrenals + thyroid are messed up too. Maybe your PCP will have a referral?

Is the insomnia cyclical? Like is it always this way, or is it staying up and then sleeping for hours kind of a thing? I'm fairly recently diagnosed with Bipolar II and getting on an antidepressant + mood stabilizer just about saved my life. But even if it's "just" unipolar depression-- sounds like to me you need an assist and your doctor will probably agree. My doc told me it's the #2 most common type of medication she gives out behind cold meds, so don't feel like you're a weirdo.

Do whatever you need to stay healthy. Whether you need to hide pills or white lie or whatever--get whatever help you can. I keep all my pills in a gallon size bag in my purse so they're always at the ready when I need them. Maybe you could do something similar if you're worried about privacy. <3
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Wed Mar 08, 2017 09:07 AM
Hello lovely. So, my insurance situation is completely nonexistent. As in, even with Obamacare we can't afford it or B doesn't believe in it or more likely some combination of the two. So I am and have been uninsured for a long time. That's partly why I haven't been in to get my annual check-up done.

But I absolutely need to stay on top of it, because when it runs on both sides of my family? I'd rather take care of a few abnormal cells while they're abnormal cells that be told, by the way, you totally have cancer, sucks to be you. Or, more ideally, be told, hey everything looks normal! We'll see you in a year.

I've been on an anti-depressant before, back in my early 20s so I'm definitely not against them or have any sort of stigma attached to them. I was on a low-dose anti-depressant that I was allowed to ween off of after about 6 months and it just made that difference in my being able to function in life and not sit and play solitaire scrabble for hours on end. And that's sort of where we are. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to work. I don't want to eat. I don't want to watch tv. I don't want to play video games. I don't want to read. I don't want to exercise. I don't want to sleep. I only want to sleep. Basically, I just sort of sit and stare blankly into space when left to my own devices.

I've been forcing myself to exercise. I've been forcing myself to eat. I've been forcing myself to get up in the morning and get dressed and go to work. I've been trying to get involved in things. I just don't care about anything right now. So yeah. I need to fix this. I've been severely depressed now, more and less severely for about 5 years. I can't keep this up. So, yeah, if she prescribes me an anti-depressant, I will get it filled and it will live in my purse and no one but me, my doctor, and everyone who reads my diary will be the wiser.

I'm worried about my friend. The one from above who said something will need to give. I know she has some major health issues on top of being a cross-section of targeted hate crime related elements, and she's... not been doing so well. I know she a doctor appointment for one of her major health issues on Friday, and she's just sort of dropped off the map. I've been texting silly stuff, pictures mostly, just so she knows I'm thinking of her - she has read receipts on, so I know she's at least there, even if she's in no state or desire to communicate. I just wished she lived closer. Like all of y'all, it's not so easy to just drop by and say, hey, are you okay? But I don't know if something happened or if she's just overwhelmed or scared/worried about the appointment or what. And I'm not going to ask. She knows I'm here and I know she'll tell me what's going on if she chooses to, but that's hers to decide. But... I worry. I care about my friends. I love you all. And if I can ever do anything to help my friends, I will.

So yeah. I'm definitely going to let my pcp look over my adrenal and thyroid tests and see if she has any recommendations. I just can't exactly afford a specialist, so...

I'll keep you in the loop.

Also, I'm officially caught up on Tanis. I blew through season 1 and 2 in like under two weeks, so I am caught up on the first episode of season 3. It's fun. Saint M's recommendation was definitely a good one. For it to hold my attention despite everything going on says something. It's pretty compelling. You should listen if that's something you have interest in.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Thu Mar 09, 2017 10:49 PM
I feel bad for whoever is scheduled after me at the doctor tomorrow because it's not going to be the quick speculum-ouch-breast-exam-results-in-two-weeks-come-back-next-year that I'm scheduled for. Topics to broach with my doctor:

1) depression
2) insomnia
3) migraines
4) adrenal/thyroid tests
5) eczema
6) rash on my neck
7) no appetite
8) exhaustion
9) sleeping all the time
10) pms/pmdd
11) anemic
12) mom's uterine cancer
13) weight gain

Hell. There's probably more. And it's all hormonal/chemical.

I've still got a rash on my neck. My chest was so red ecause I literally scratched it raw and some of the scabbing came off today. I've also got a migraine. Like right this instant. I also couldn't eat dinner. Again.

What if she prescribes something and I can't afford it? I'm legitimately worried about that. I don't have insurance. If she prescribes me something, I have to pay for it out of pocket. I can't afford a prescription that costs $$$. But something needs to change.

And in regards to my insomnia, I didn't answer that earlier. I won't really sleep for a period and then I crash and sleep like 12 hrs at a time. I've been sleeping hard and for like a full 8 hours and waking up exhausted like I didn't sleep at all. I feel like I'm becoming the Narrator. At least if I were Tyler Durden I'd be *doing* stuff, but no, I feel perpetually on the brink of asleep and awake. Complete lethargic and unable to find any spare reserves of anything.

Also, my friend checked in with me. She's okay. Ins'pose as much as any of us are okay.

All right. I'll let you know how my appointment goes tomorrow.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Sat Mar 11, 2017 06:23 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-03-11 18:28:30 Copypasta profanity problems. Guys, I curse a lot in real life. Y'all have no idea.
Hey beautiful.

Okay, so I'm on a starting dose of Prozac and I have some abortive migraine pills. I filled my prescriptions this morning and took the first pill. I regroup with my pcp in a month. Also, it's been 7 yrs since I had an annual exam. That's how completely inconsequential I've felt. That I'm not worth taking care of.

Saint M deserves a fricken medal. I showed her the texts from our last 2 fights. Seriously. Like someone needs to buy her a drink or send her a thank you card. Because reading those texts from my end was rough. Her response?
Spoiler: Show
so okay look. I'm not you. I don't know the whole story. But the fact that he's completely resistant to you get separate bank accounts is fricking bananas because it would literally solve what sounds like all of his problems. So I've come to the conclusion that either he just likes controlling and guilting the heck out of you because it's something that he can control when it seems like the rest of his life of full of things he can't control - and congratulations buddy, that's life, welcome to the party, or he doesn't want a solution at all and does just want a divorce. That or he has a failing grasp on logic as an entity in and of itself.

So about that first conclusion? The guilting and controlling? Yeahhhhhh. I'm pretty sure that what it is. Because B and me had a "come to Jesus" and I cried and he cried. Except I was crying because I know in my heart we're done. We've done this before. I've called him out on the same stuff before. And he'll try to change for a while but he reverts into his set habits. He was crying because he's hoping I'll have empathy maybe? Here's my super drunk text to her from today.
Spoiler: Show
B's surprisingly chill atm which is weird since I outright said I wanted a divorce. Despite agreeing to wait a month. I mean he cried. I cried. I cried mostly because I know we're done and he cried because he screwed up and is possibly trying to make an empathy play? Idk. But we played pool. I drank a lot. But he's kind of weirdly okay right now. And that sort of worries me. Because I'm okay, except that I'm not okay, because I got fricken drunk at 4pm, but he seems fiiiiiine. And that's unnerving. I'm not going to say he's making a long con but it sure the heck feels like it.

We're going to regroup in a month and re-evaluate. He thinks that hiring a lawn guy and someone to clean our house is going to magically fix our problems. Meanwhile I'm here going, yeah, no, there's a major problem between us that yard work and a clean house won't fix. We have problems. I'm not even sure I could begin to tell you what exactly is wrong - aside from the controlling, vindictive and cruel texts he sends when he's upset. Stuff I've absolutely called him out on before. Things he's "fixed" or "worked on" in the past. He begrudgingly agreed to consider therapy. But I don't think it's gonna help.

I love him. And I know he loves me. But, and I told him this outright, he's miserable and I absolutely am it the person who can make him happy. I think more than anything he doesn't want to go through the process of a divorce, or dividing up our stuff, or moving out. It's way easier to apologize and cry a little and hug me and hope I go back to my complete apathy and just accept things as they are. But you know what? I'm over it. I'm done. I have no delusions that he's going to change and put me before his love of money. That he's not going to fall into old patterns and rip into me when he gets upset.

Honestly? A month means our taxes will be filed. A month means the Prozac will have a chance to have an effect. A month means I can research divorce laws in Texas and look into apartments and set up a budget. A month gives me time without pressure to get my ducks in a row. So a month. Fine. We'll see where we are in a month. But, and I'm saying this so I don't get caught in a month's worth of good behavior. This has been building and going on for a long time. While we may love each other, we are two totally different people. I don't know if I've changed or we've both changed but I'm no longer willing to put up with this sort of treatment and behavior.

Okay y'all. I love you. You're a huge support. You have no idea. Thank you for dropping in and checking on me. ❤️
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Sun Mar 12, 2017 10:11 PM
I think he's genuinely scared right now. He's going out of his way to be thoughtful and kind and understanding. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

He was driving to one of his jobs tonight and we talked a little more. I told him I see him becoming my dad, stuck in a relationship where he'll gradually begin to resent me more and more until he barely be in the same room I am. Guys, my parents haven't shared a bedroom in memory. Like since I was a baby. I do not want that. My sister and I agree that our dad would be happier on his own. While he cares about our mom, there isn't any shared anything. And I see me and B heading down that path.

In near tears, he asked me not to hate him. Seriously? I don't hate him. I told him yesterday that it's not that I doubt he cares about - that he loves me - and I asked him where he was in doubt that I cared about and loved him. And he said no, he didn't doubt that. I know feeling hated is something his mom did to him. And I'm somewhat thinking that that's what he's afraid of. He's afraid of being alone and unwanted because his mom did such a number on him.

Meanwhile I'm suuuuuper depressed. He asked me tonight if anything made me happy. It wasn't a mean question. It wasn't vicious or sarcastic, he genuinely wanted to know. And I had to stop and think. And I told him I didn't know. It's been so long since I've actually felt happy I almost couldn't describe the emotion to you.

So he's trying his darndest to fix things between us because his threats of "maybe we should get divorced" we're not met with the naive crying and begging him to stay they elicited earlier in our relationship. Now I'm actively going, yeah, probably so. Maybe that would be best for all involved. And as much as I know I could turn this back on him in my own power play, I've hit the point where I'm not sure it's worth fighting to save. I've expended so much energy into this relationship already and I'm not sure I want to dedicate any more of my time to trying to fix my side of things.

Because I know it's not all him. And saying it is his fault is a huge lie. We're in the 50/50. We both have to work to turn things around. He has to work and I have to because I know I'm absolutely not blameless. But I just don't know whether I want to do it this time. I'm 90% sure that I'm ready to throw in the towel.

The real question is, is that sincerely how I feel or is that the depression and the exhaustion talking? But then again that's why we'll re-evaluate in a month. See if he's still trying and see if I'm willing to try.

So yeah.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Mon Mar 13, 2017 11:20 AM
I've had a couple of y'all check in on me this morning. <3 <3 <3

I'm okay. I'm not really upset right now. I'm sorta just here. I'm glad it's spring break, because it's a little lighter at work which is good because I cannot focus really well right now. Also, it will let me get my act together concerning recital dances. I've just had -have- nothing to pull from.

Y'all. You know how I never remember my dreams? I remember dreaming this morning. I dreamed I took a nap. Like even my subconscious is exhausted. Actually, I think that pretty much sums up how I'm doing.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Wed Mar 15, 2017 07:43 PM
Seriously? Seriously.

Guess who sprained his ankle?

Yup.

It's good and swollen. He sprained it really well.

Buuuu t I literally have zero ****s left to give right now. Because you see, when I sprained my ankle last year, he bitched about how I was always injured how there was something always wrong with me always some reason why I couldn't do stuff around the house. But now that he's injured, OH NOES! WOE IS ME. I AM IN SUCH PAINNNNNNN. Yeah. Suck it up princess.

The night I had the allergic reaction and my boss at dance sent me home because I was breaking out so badly? After taking antihistamines and going to bed early, wanna know what he did? He had the GALL to come in to the bedroom and complain that I went grocery shopping on Sunday and not Friday and they had been out of his favorite flavor of tea AND MAYBE IF I HAD GONE WHEN I WAS SUPPOSED TO, he would have his favorite tea. Nevermind that he had other flavors. Nevermind that I was bright red and itchy and miserable. Nevermind that I hadn't gone to the grocery store on Friday because I was subbing 4 classes. And I didn't go on Saturday because I was out with him running errands. But OH NO, PLEASE COME TELL ME HOW MUCH OF A LOSER I AM WHILE I FEEL LIKE HELL. So right now, I have absolutely no sympathy. At all.

Sucks to be you dude.

I'm gonna go walk. Or I might smother him. Pray for me. Pick a god, pick a pantheon, light a candle, I don't care. But, guys, this is pushing it. Seriously pushing it. I full on white girl can't right now.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Thu Mar 16, 2017 02:05 PM
I'm pretty sure I'm an awful person.

I went for a walk last night and told B straight up not to call me. Because he called me to whine about how much his ankle hurt. While I was in the other room. I brought home dinner, gave him 1000 mg of ibuprofen, ice, and K-taped his ankle. He spent about 2 hours being unbearable.

I finally got dressed and left to go walk for an hour and told him, hey so remember when I sprained my ankle last year? No? Well that's because I sucked it up and dealt with it. Also, I told you about the first time I sprained it right? When I was in a walking boot for 6 weeks? I was visiting my sister in Seattle, had to wait in January in the rain and take two buses to the hospital and walk two blocks there. And he basically shut up. When I got home he had managed to go downstairs get tea and crawl back up stairs and he was up and down a ton last night (I know because he woke me up), but he was up and moving around. He can't put his full weight on it, but it's way better than last night.

He sent me these texts:
Spoiler: Show
Thank you for putting the ice pack in the fridge.

And thank you for taking care of me last night!

Think it's alright to take a shower?

I can walk better than this morning. Still hurts, but manageable. Worst sprain I think I have ever had.

But I just. don't. care.

I did what I had to because he was legitimately injured. But I was annoyed and angry the whole time because he was being such a baby.

I dunno. I've also got a pressure headache today. It's not a migraine but oh man my head hurts. Like if it rains, I'll be fine, but right now I have that vice around the head, I feel feverish even though I'm not running a fever. No beunos.Just 2.5 more hours. Then I'm going to stop at the grocery store and pick up ingredients to make a Bailey's cheesecake tomorrow for St. Patrick's day.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Dancing_EMTmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 3467, member since Wed Dec 08, 2004
On Thu Mar 16, 2017 06:06 PM
Sumayah wrote:

Seriously? Seriously.

Guess who sprained his ankle?

Yup.

It's good and swollen. He sprained it really well.

Buuuu t I literally have zero ****s left to give right now. Because you see, when I sprained my ankle last year, he bitched about how I was always injured how there was something always wrong with me always some reason why I couldn't do stuff around the house. But now that he's injured, OH NOES! WOE IS ME. I AM IN SUCH PAINNNNNNN. Yeah. Suck it up princess.

The night I had the allergic reaction and my boss at dance sent me home because I was breaking out so badly? After taking antihistamines and going to bed early, wanna know what he did? He had the GALL to come in to the bedroom and complain that I went grocery shopping on Sunday and not Friday and they had been out of his favorite flavor of tea AND MAYBE IF I HAD GONE WHEN I WAS SUPPOSED TO, he would have his favorite tea. Nevermind that he had other flavors. Nevermind that I was bright red and itchy and miserable. Nevermind that I hadn't gone to the grocery store on Friday because I was subbing 4 classes. And I didn't go on Saturday because I was out with him running errands. But OH NO, PLEASE COME TELL ME HOW MUCH OF A LOSER I AM WHILE I FEEL LIKE HELL. So right now, I have absolutely no sympathy. At all.

Sucks to be you dude.

I'm gonna go walk. Or I might smother him. Pray for me. Pick a god, pick a pantheon, light a candle, I don't care. But, guys, this is pushing it. Seriously pushing it. I full on white girl can't right now.


Dude, I fell during 2015's Pride Parade, stepped in one of Chicago's famous potholes, I tore a ligament, STILL continued with a smile on my face. :D

Smothering him might be tough, but if you need a place to hide the body and an alibi, let me know. '-)
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Sat Mar 18, 2017 08:38 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-03-18 11:49:54
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-03-18 11:50:28
I love you EMT. 😆 No need, he sucked it up and stopped whining, so he's managed to live on.

Good morning pills. So, the dark spots on my face are clearing up. I'm not sure what of the many things I'm doing is working but I don't look so blotchy. Which is nice. Because that was wearing on my self-confidence.

I've been getting tired at night and having to sleep, like right then. And then sleeping the night through. Is this what normal people feel like? Is this... normal? Well, I don't know about that. Yesterday I was exhausted. Lying in bed at 4pm exhausted. Asleep by 10:30 exhausted. So I'd guess that part isn't exactly normal.

I've been on the Prozac for a week now and I haven't really noticed anything. I told my coworker and friend J to tell me if she noticed any changes.

Love y'all!

ETA: I'm not sure why I have a ghost page. I'm wondering if there's a lost journal entry from when the server got upgraded and subsequently downgraded that is there but not there.
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