Forum: Arts / Diaries

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re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Sun Mar 19, 2017 08:04 PM
Okay, so it seems the tiredness is from the Prozac and my body should adapt after 4-6 weeks.


I. Am. So. Freaking. Tired. Like I can barely function tired. I did the dishes and had to sit down for two hours. I haven't gone for a walk in three days. It's 9pm and I just want to sleep.

I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it through my classes tomorrow night.

I've spent the past two days just resting because I literally have no energy to expend and can't keep my eyes open or my mind focused. 😐😴
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Tue Mar 21, 2017 03:04 PM
Heyo insomnia.

I made it through yesterday. Then I had a bought of insomnia and basically didn't sleep. My phone says I got less than 3 hours.

I'm so tired today I feel nauseated. And I'm pmsing so I'm irritable and emotional. I'm supposed to be starting recital dances this week (to be fair my advanced tap is nearly done), but I don't have music or choreography or costume ideas or anything. I've just been in no place mentally to deal with it.

If the Prozac is working it's not noticeable to me. We're supposed to go to Beauty and the Beast on Sunday with friends but I seriously don't want to leave the house. I don't want to go out with people. I just want to sleep. I feel like I'm closing off again from everyone. It took me two days to respond to a friend's text. And she wasn't exactly doing awesome herself and could have used some love. But just responding to the text message was almost more than I could manage. It's not that I didn't want to be invested in her, I just couldn't. I dunno. I may drop off the planet for a little bit. I'm all right. I'm just overwhelmingly exhausted and I can barely function in my life right now. But I'm all right. And if you text me, I do care, I do love you, and I will text back, but it might take me a couple days. I'm ready to not completely drained and useless.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By hummingbird
On Wed Mar 22, 2017 07:15 AM
Just to let you know I'm thinking of you, hold on in there!
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Wed Mar 22, 2017 08:16 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-03-22 08:25:33
<3 Hummingbird

Dear Coworker,

Unless you have dealt with a lifetime of disordered sleeping and clinical insomnia, please don't give me advice. Especially in that I-know-better-than-you condescending tone. Thanks.


So I've been saving up for a sleep tracking device, but until then, I've been using the sleep app ability on my phone. As the picture suggests. I've been doing this so that when I see my pcp I have evidence to present her and it's not just, welp I can't sleep. It's no, look at all this history of me not sleeping. This is a problem, I need help. So telling me that maybe my phone is the problem is super not helpful. This isn't new. The ability to track it is really helpful. But the sleep troubles aren't new. Screw you.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Thu Mar 23, 2017 04:03 PM
B stayed home from work today. Between rescheduling his clients because of his ankle and clients cancelling for various house and health reasons, he's been off a lot in the past week. Which in regards to his ankle is good. But I can't help but feel jealous, because I'm super burned out right now.

I'm still so tired. I got nearly 5 hours of sleep last night so that was pretty good. But I've been awake since 5am.

I feel sort of lost right now. I just don't know what to do with myself. I've been listening to podcasts and playing Dragon Age and that's pretty much it. I got the new Mass Effect and I want to play it but... I don't know. I'm in a weird place right.

Despite being tired, I do feel better today. I think the medication may be doing something because if that's as depressed and blue as I get pre-period, then that's not near as bad as it's been so, I'll take it. I am emotional, and jumping to conclusions about things because that's what I do. I'm trying to remind myself it's not the end of the world and everything is okay. Really. But this still isn't *as* bad. Okay.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Fri Mar 24, 2017 09:37 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-03-24 15:29:17
My head hurts.

It's not a migraine. I don't think it's going to become a migraine. It's raining and the pressure in the air is almost unbearable. I also started my period so I feel bloated and gross and crampy anyway. But the space in my head hurts. It hurts behind my eyes and makes me want to sleep. My teeth hurt. My sinuses hurt. I want to puncture a hole in my cranium and just let the pressure out.

Like my head just feels... like a balloon blown up a smidge too far and the surface is stretched and tense and ready to rip and tear and burst.

But it's not a throbbing pain. But it's just, constant. It makes it hard to think.

I'm also still exhausted. I slept last night. I was in bed from 10:40pm until 6:30am. Asleep from probably 11pm until 6:00am when my alarm went off. But I could lay down right now and close my eyes. And be out. For hours.

This is not me.

This is really weird. Even when my insomnia has been bad, I slam back coffee and power through, but there is not powering through this. I normally feel like I run on low power mode, but this is like 1% battery, close all unnecessary applications, and pray you're near a charger soon because it's about to flicker and go out.

Even coffee hasn't really tasted good lately.



I'm drinking some right now because of habit and ogodimgonnadie otherwise. But... I could just as easily not drink it.





I've done the whole existential finding yourself imposter syndrome thing. BUT THAT DIDN'T INVOLVE NOT LIKING COFFEE.

Saint M is on a pseudo-technology hiatus and I super miss her. I'm trying (and somewhat failing) at not sending her cool stuff I find that I know she'd enjoy and I really want to talk about the podcasts and Dragon Age craziness. But I also know she's taking some time to regroup and recenter and I need to be respectful of that because also, no one wants to take a break from their phone and come back to 5 billion texts. That's just overwhelming. Even if it is fun, happy stuff. But damn. So, hey if anyone is listening to Tanis, hit me up because I need to unpack some stuff from that last episode.

Okay guys, I love y'all. I'm doing okay. I just... I dunno. I'm stuck in a weird antisocial/social dichotomy. I want to be left alone and I don't want to see any notifications on my phone, and at the same time I want to talk to people and engage. But not in real life. In real life I just want to sleep. And apparently not drink coffee. Maybe I'll switch to tea for a while...

ETA: my head is throbbing now. I even drank half a coke (because old wives tales from my grandmother - but also, I swear there's something in the fizzy bubbles that helps). My head hurts so much. It's still not a migraine though. It's not in the migraine spot. But man, my head is killing me.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Sat Mar 25, 2017 04:58 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-03-25 17:23:02 Side effects
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-03-25 17:28:27
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-03-25 17:59:53
Okay. The headache changed dynamics and started to hit migraine status. It's above my eye, base of my neck. And that's in combination with the major pressure headache from yesterday. That I still have.

Just took a Maxalt (rizatriptan).

*fingers crossed*

ETA: first almost immediate side effect is tinnitus. Like WHOA. TINNITUS. Suddenly, a high frequency static noise is engaged in my brain. And it's different than my usual tinnitus. Usually it's like a high frequency note. But this is higher pitched. Like the whine of electronics. In my brain. I feel like this must be what dogs feel like when they hear a dog whistle.

ETA2: the flush I was warned about. My forehead and back of head at my neck feel hot. And the back of my head feels... disconnected? heavy? And my sinuses feel heavy and it's making the bridge of my nose feel numb. And my teeth. It feels like when you get a shot of Novocain at the dentist.

ETA3: and now my hands are sweating.

But the migraine has stopped so that's something. We'll see is it stays stopped when the side effects wear off.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Nyssasisticmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Mar 25, 2017 09:51 PM
The prozac will definitely level out and you'll feel less of a zombie over time. I've been there in my marriage, too- wishing you the best of luck. I hope you're able to find happiness in the path you choose.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Sun Mar 26, 2017 05:11 PM
Hey Nyssa! That's good to hear. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I actually feel a little better today. I got 6 hours of sleep. I ended up not going to the movie. It was just too much. I am getting some cleaning done and I'll go for a walk in a bit. But I don't feel so awful right this minute. So I'll take it.

I'm back to being indecisive about what to do about B. Logistically it's going to require a lot of energy. That's I don't have. And I'm trying to decide if he's going to revert back (I know he will) and whether it's a deal breaker. That last bit I'm wavering on. I don't know what to do. Therapy I think. I think that would be a beneficial first step. Two more weeks to figure it out. I realize it's not a hard life-or-death deadline, but I'd like to be able to have facts at my disposal so I can make a sensible and smart decision. And an emotionally healthy one. I still think we're two very different people now and I think divorce is still probably the best option to make us both happy. But it's a hard bandaid to rip off, you know? Two more weeks.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Mon Mar 27, 2017 12:50 PM
So this is worth mentioning, I think. What does B love more than anything? Money. Yes. Followed by predictability and consistency.

I forgot about my studio paycheck from the 18th. That was spring break and I just forgot about it entirely. So money not deposited combined with inconsistency means B was pretty upset. No surprise there.

What was surprising was that instead of going on the offensive and shutting down and sending me a stream of texts ranting about how he can't do this anymore and picking at my flaws, he sent me a text explaining how it makes him feel. There wasn't blame, there wasn't an accounting of old injuries, just hey, this is something that sets me off, let's find a way that we can avoid this, I would appreciate your help.

He actually communicated.

Communicated without mansplaining. (Well, a little mansplaining, but near his usual amount.)

I replied back that I appreciated the communication without the finger pointing and that yes, I will take steps to help the situation.

That's pretty huge.


re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Tue Mar 28, 2017 01:37 PM
This is the text I sent to Saint M this morning. I think it pretty accurately captures how I'm feeling.

SAINT M. I don't know how to describe this but, I'm getting ready for work and putting on makeup and I look in the mirror and see myself. Me. Actually ME.

Not some overtired construct or self-denigrating me.

It's like I haven't seen myself in a long time.

I'm not explaining this well. But...

I've also slept a solid 6 hours the past three night which is pretty fantastic. I'm still more tired than not. But the overwhelming exhaustion is starting to pass. So I think the meds might actually be starting to kick in.

It's nice to feel like me again. I'm not there. I'm still not me but it's like walking out of the fog into a blue skies. It's still hazy. There's still clouds around me. But I can see skybreaks in the cloud cover. I see my PCP in 10 days to see how I'm doing. I'm currently thinking I might need to be bumped up a smidge. Because if this is the Prozac being effective, well... I know I'm still not quite there yet.

I smiled and laughed at something last night. It was nice to smile and actually feel the corresponding emotion. And while I feel like I'm more me today, I'm still pretty emotiondead. Last night was the first time I can remember feeling anything resembling actual happiness in a long while. I mean I know I've smiled and laughed at stuff, but the feeling was... genuine? I feel like I've been a ball of anxiety and apathy. The only thing I've really had any emotional attachment to has been my friends. Basically if you have my phone number, even if we don't talk often, I care very deeply about you, your problems, and lives. And you're on my mind. And it's nice to add some variety to my emotions. Anyway.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Wed Mar 29, 2017 09:33 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-03-29 13:24:27
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-03-29 15:22:49
So last night was not good. . . .

I slept from 11:05pm - 2:00am (but I was awake by 1:45, I got up at 2am) and then from 4:34am - 7:07am. So a total of 4 hrs and 51 mins. Which is way more than it feels.

I really wanted to lie and say we had no power and I couldn't get out of my garage and just take the morning to sleep, but I got up and I'm at work. I envy people who can call out sick from work. I've called in sick from here - once for a migraine because I knew I shouldn't be driving and I've gone home early twice because I was miserable. But I don't feel like I can call out. At least unless I'm dying. And I'm not dying.

But I seriously need a mental health day. And it's not happening for a while. Thursday, Friday, Saturday I'll be at the theatre. Sunday I'll be passed the heck out. And then Monday it's back to it. I used to take Spring Break week completely off when I worked at the store. It was my reward for working Black Friday and Christmas Eve. I haven't done since I started this job.

Oh wah-wah, stop being a baby. I KNOW. But this is literally the only place I allow myself to voice these thoughts and have a pity party. I've been working 3-4 jobs for so long... I'm just exhausted. I'm back to secretly wishing someone would run a light and crash into me and that I'd end up in the hospital for like 6 weeks on someone else's dime. Because being seriously injured and requiring a 6 week hospital stay sounds like a freaking vacation right now. Which is all kinds of messed up. And I know it's messed up. I try not to entertain those thoughts because wishing for bodily harm is SUPER not healthy. But they're there. Back there in my brain. Sticky, slimy thoughts. Dark, greasy thoughts, waiting to infect and spread.

I know that type of thought process is symptomatic of my depression. I know I don't actually want to suffer an injury. And I know wishing for such things is an absolute affront to handicapped folks. I am able bodied and I need to act like it. Here's what I mean. I talked to K yesterday and she got denied disability again. Her doctor wrote her a letter. This is K's life summed up in a paragraph and it's heartbreaking:
Spoiler: Show
To whom it may concern,

I am writing in regards to K who has been a patient of mine for the last XX yrs. She suffers from multiple medical conditions that result in profound disability and inability to maintain any employment. Patient has mood disorder consistent with Bipolar 2 with both depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, severe insomnia. She has failed numerous medication for mood, anxiety, and sleep. She has been willing to try many different therapies and medication despite at times causing her severe side effects. Patient is eager to improve her functioning though despite our efforts has had little success and at least recently has regressed. She is hardly able to leave her parent's home secondary to anxiety and pain. She has chronic pain syndrome consistent with fibromyalgia, TMJ, Chronic headaches likely associated with her above mentioned health issues. I urge you to consider K entirely disabled despite her personal desire to work and be independent.

So yeah. I need to suck it up and just deal. Oh boo-hoo I'm tired. Welp. When you put it in perspective a little manageable depression is a cake walk. I should be freaking grateful. Every. Damn. Day.

But I'm not.

And I feel like such a bad person for being such a brat.

Who are we kidding.

I am selfish, self-centered and self-serving. I always have been. I try to be giving and caring but that's not me. I have to actively work to care about other people. How often do I pull conversations back around to me and my problems? Because it's all about me.

I mean... what's even the point?

Why even try?

Ugh. I just want to go home and go to bed. Or disappear. Throw a dart at a map and just go where the dart hits. Restart my life.

I want to be a better person and I surround myself with good people, but I'm like a plague. My brain is this rotten thing. and no matter how much I try to shine it up, it's still festering and black.

I freaking hate my life.

ETA: I want to cry. I don't know what's wrong with me today. And every day. I was texting with Saint M this morning and it suddenly struck me. She had mentioned a few days back that she was feeling better and spending more time in her head and just going out and being present in her life. And it occurred to me, that whole selfish thing? Yeah. I keep texting and trying to engage her which just ties her down to her phone. And that's not only selfish because I want the interaction, but it's really uncaring and thoughtless because she outright TOLD me that's she was feeling better not being on her phone. So here I am, this selfish asshole. And at the same time, I don't want to leave her be because I enjoy her company. Hey self-centered, self-serving personality, how are you? Ugh, I'm just a miserable human being.

ETA2: No really guys. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY AM I INEXPLICABLY WEEPY? I took my meds the same as I have been. Is this the difference in sleeping verses not on this medication? Because if it's gonna do this every time I can't sleep, we're going to have a major problems. Jesus. It's like pms except that I am almost at the end of my period. My emotions shouldn't be in upheaval.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Wed Mar 29, 2017 03:31 PM
Friend, you've been in crisis mode for so long it is totally understandable that you don't have the energy to reach out to other people. And I think you're not giving yourself enough credit on how caring you actually are.

Needing a break is not a weird desire, and just because some people have it worse doesn't mean you're not worthy of love and self-care. You are totally normal, and you don't get to beat yourself up for being normal instead of a superhero 24/7. Hugs.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Thu Mar 30, 2017 10:11 AM
I talked to K. It sorta helped.
Spoiler: Show

Me: Do you ever just feel like an awful human being and nothing anyone says will convince you differently?

K: Most of the time.
K: Did you do something specific to make mankind despise you? Or is it just a Wednesday?

Me: It's just Wednesday.

K: Oh those are the best days!

Me: Yeah. I feel like I'm swimming in pms and I'm weepy and a wreck and I just fee like today was a mistake.
Me: I'm not pmsing.
Me: I'm at the end of my period so I should be getting MORE stable, not less.

K: I'm sorry you're having one of those days.
K: Ahhh hormones. The should be's never always are.
K: You do realize that pms is for both pre and post, yes?

Me: :/

K: Exactly.
K: Hooray being a girl! We'll only feel like this another decade and a half or so. Then we'll get the fun of commiserating hot flashes and menopausal feelings while our ovaries slowly shrivel and die.
K: I'm personally gonna throw a party that day.
K: Mom's honestly almost forgotten what it's like to bleed monthly! Isn't that nice!

Me: :/ :/ :/ :/ :/

K: I'm being snarkier than usual. I apologize. It's a Wednesday for me as well. Not a hormonal Wednesday, but an in pain all day on less than two hours of sleep Wednesday. I think i prefer your Wednesday.
K: I've locked myself away in my room shooting super mutants cause I'm a huuuu ge bitch today.
K: So, I'm gonna channel "normal" nicer K. She's in the somewhere.
K: I love you. I'm sorry you're feeling so horribly. It's terribly hard any time your body messes with you emotionally. Even more so when it makes you feel like less of a person.
K: If it helps, you are by far one of my favoritest of people. And that's saying a lot.
K: How much more of the day do you have left before you can pour yourself a stiff drink?

Me: No, snarky K is good. "Normal" K will probably make me cry.
Me: I've been on Prozac for three weeks and I've basically felt like an exhausted zombie for three weeks. Then yesterday I felt like... me. And I had gotten three nights of sleeping at least 6 hours straight. I felt like a person again.
Me: Last night I got a total of four hours, but two happened pre-storm, the I was wide awake and I fell back asleep for a couple hours before my alarm went off. And I've been a mess all day. Like what the hell is wrong with me!? Ugh.

K: Prozac. that's what's wrong. New meds. It's gonna take more than a few week for that to level off. And it may not be the med that's right for you. Is this your first try?

Me: Yes. I meet with my doctor next Friday (the 7th to see how I'm doing. I'm... not doing so well.

K: Nope. It doesn't sound like it at all. They'll throw the ol' reliables at you first. The one that have helped the most people and then move on from there.
K: Xanax was supposed to help me and my anxiety and chill me out. It made me a neurotic crazy bitch. And I mean, if it were a sitcom it would have been funny but a real life crazy hose beast was bad. It took me three different tries ater Xanax before I found an anxiety pill the "helped" and he's upped that three times now and I'm at the max dose. I do not want to have to try to find a stronger one that works, but I can at least manage more where I am than where I was.
K: And that's how medication works.

Me: Neurotic is the word for today. Here's my tweet from earlier: "I just need today to be over. I'm being bizarrely neurotic and I don't understand what's wrong. Done."

K: Every time I've gotten on something, that's the run through. Pain pills, anxiety med, sleep meds, anti-depressants, it's the same song and dance. You'll never find one that will be your perfect partner, but you'll find one that at least isn't super sweaty, smelly, with bad breath and steps on your feet.

Me: LOL XD :( :*(

K: I thought you'd like that. ;)
K: You'll get there. Do you think you have another week of this in you? Do you think today is just an off day? Cause you can call your doctor office and tell them what's going on and ask if it's okay to stop the meds before your next appointment.

Me: Well up until yesterday I've literally been unbearably exhausted. Like sleeping ALL THE TIME exhausted mixed with insomnia.
Me: Yesterday was the first day I felt like a human. And then there's today. I can make it through another week to see if it settles, but either this is the wrong pill or it's not enough of a dose.

K: Yup. I personally would suggest putting a call into your doctor and let her know what's going on. She may have you quit, she may increase or decrease your done over the phone. You may not have to just suffer through it and see what happens. Or. she may suggest just that. At least have her be informed. It may make your appointment on Friday easier if you've already informed them of this.
K: Highly recommend, persuade, gently shove you in that direction...
K: Dooooooeeeeeeet!

Me: It tomorrow is a mood of a different color I'll call. If today is just a weird day, then it's just a weird day.

K: The super lethargy/insomnia combo can't be a good sign either.
K: Look at me being all mother hen.

Me: <3
Me: Well, since you're one of the very few people I've told about this, mother hen away.

K: Your health, mental or otherwise, is never an easy thing to discuss with anyone nor is it one you want most people to even know about. I, of all people, come from a place of sincere understanding and empathy. I've literally been there. Still am in fact. And I know that not having someone to explain thing to, especially since it already feel and sounds bizarre yo you, sucks. It's hard to explain something that you cannot explain. Sweets, I'm always here for you. Bother me all you wish, knowing that you'll never be a bother.
K: Do you feel less crazy now that you know it's just your new crazy pills messing with you? ;)

Me: Screw you man. You just made me cry. I love you. <3 <3 <3

K: I love you too dollface! <3
K: Are you at least able to go home or are you still working?

Me: Going home now.

I went home and walked for an hour, took a shower and went to bed. At 9:30pm. I slept over 8 hours straight.

Today is okay, I guess. I still feel like an insensitive jerk. I mean it's one thing to post this stuff here. Y'all choose to come peek your head into my life, to see how I am. But you can choose to not do that.

Texting my problems to friends just feels... I don't know, like I'm imposing. Despite being told by everyone that I'm not, I just can't shake the feeling that my job is to listen and be there for others and that I just need to deal with my problems on my own. That in talking about it to help figure me out, I'm only making myself feel better and laying my troubles on everyone else's shoulders. Making them worry about me. And that's not right. I shouldn't be causing more stress in the lives of my friends.

I feel lost. Like I'm just drifting.

And I want to cry again.

I cried myself to sleep last night.

I hate this.

I'm so tired.

I'm so worn down.

I'm so unfocused.

Nothing has flavor anymore. Nothing excites me. I can't find the beauty in life. At least when I was in full swing melancholy, there was a beauty in the sadness. Everything just sort of exists right now. I just sort of exist right now.


I just don't know.

I'm here.


re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Fri Mar 31, 2017 08:44 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-03-31 10:26:59
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-03-31 11:51:42
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-03-31 13:49:47
What even is sleep? Amirite?

I'm sitting here at work staring at my coffee. I took my pills. I drank some yogurt.

I'm so tired I don't even want coffee.

But then, it's not been tasting real great.

Wasn't I switching to tea?

Habits, man.

Somehow, I got less sleep than I did on Tuesday night and we all saw what a wreck I was Wednesday. Like that super wasn't pretty. For anyone involved. At all.

But I'm holding pretty solid at 6.5 hrs of sleep a night for the week, so there's that. I mean, I'm not sleeping 6.5 hours a night, that's my average. There were two night I slept more than 7 hours, so that's pretty cool. I mean there's also two nights that I slept just over 4 hours so...

C'mon Suma, get it together.

Work and then we have our opening show tonight. Class at 9am Saturday and then two shows.

I can't even take off. Coworker J is sick - she looks like she needs to go home. It's allergies (oak pollen is EVERYWHERE and she's severely allergic) but she looks like hot death on toast. Coworker L just found out last night that her sister has a tumor on her brain stem and could die at pretty much any time.

I'm tired.

Yeahhhh .

Once again, I come to find that my problems are pretty inconsequential. And I just need to deal. I need to stop being a baby. I need to whining and crying about it and deal.

Oh boo hoo. I slept 4 hours last night.

I slept.

Get over it.

Move on.

Stop being such a crybaby.

No one wants to hear that you're tired.

No one cares.

I don't even care.

I don't care about anything.

I'm just so tired.

Shut up.



Just deal. C'mon.



Doesn't taste good.

Drink it anyway.

One foot in front of the other.

You don't have it so bad.

You're just tired. You're not gonna die.

Just keep going.

ETA: J went home sick. I was thinking that Sunday, after spending all day in the theatre on Friday night and Saturday, I'd finish off the bottle of Riesling in the fridge. Get myself pleasantly drunk. And then I started thinking about how dry I get when I drink. And my hands are already dry. My body is already dry. I'm drink at least 2L of water a day. But the eczema on my hands is telling a different story. My left palm by my ring and middle finger has so many crosshatching wrinkles from the eczema that you can't see the fingerprint texture on my palm. So, maybe I won't drink. Because getting drunk sounds like work. And I'm way too tired for that.

I haven't looked at options. I know I should. But I've been too tired to contemplate looking at lawyers, at apartments, at laws. It's so overwhelming. One thing at a time right? B isn't abusive, we're just different people. And until I get myself dealt with, I'm in no position to make huge life changes. I still want to sit down with him next week and have a heart to heart about how we are and whether this is working. If it's not, we'll go from there. But I literally can't focus. On anything. Much less that right now. I've got to get out of this malaise. I can't function like this anymore. I think... I think I need to talk to my doctor. This isn't working. I feel more apathetic and lifeless than before.

I need to sleep.

ETA2: I don't feel good. I think my body temp is low again. My face feels warm to the touch but I feel cold internally. Like my pilot light is out. I also feel light headed and like I'm going to faint. Maybe my blood sugar is too low?

ETA3: I got some sushi. I think that was a bad plan because my stomach is vehemently protesting. But I'm not convinced it would have liked anything. I needed to eat and I figured sushi was easy, nutritious, good combo of carbs and protein and yeah NOPE. Wishing I hadn't eaten anything at all now.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Mon Apr 03, 2017 10:31 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-04-03 11:39:27
I am the most tired panda today.

I feel bad because usually I'm way more excited for show day, but I had like -10% energy. I feel like I'm running out. Out of what? Everything. Energy. Emotions. Work ethic. Everything. Just, everything.

That aside, my head feels good today. It stormed on Sunday - hail, threat of tornado, torrential rain - and the headache I've been carrying finally went away. But also, my headspace feels good today. Which is nice. Usually there's this shadow in my brain, at the very back, it's sticky fingers probing into my mind, and while I know it's still there, lurking, it feels... retracted?

Here's what I've discovered: >6 hrs sleep = neurotic, psychotic, out-of-control; ~6 hrs sleep = over tired, but functional human being; 7hrs+ = capable, engaged, and productive member of society. So sleep is essential to this medication working right. Without sleep, I lose all capacity at reason and my negative self talk goes through the roof. As evidenced here. And yes, depression lies, but it's super hard to remember that when you're actively in the thick of it.

Okay. Shows.

Thursday night was tech/dress rehearsal. Things went surprisingly well. A few mishaps and nervous mistakes, but overall, it was a good rehearsal. Friday night's show was a disaster. The dancers were on it. They were fabulous. The tech side of things was just awful. They had to completely redo the lights at intermission, there were just all kinds of technical difficulties and oh man. But the dancers pulled it out and they were awesome.

Saturday matinee was the most chill show backstage. I didn't yell at anyone which is a freaking miracle. Usually I make at least one kid cry. But like, they knew where they were going and what they were doing and it just flowed. The energy onstage was great. The sound guy screwed up final bows, but again, the dancers were on it.

Between shows there was drama. One girl who had just recently gotten her license ended up rear-ending someone. Everyone was okay, the car not so much, but all the girls were fine. But there was a lot of crying and emotional outpouring. These kids sincerely love each other. There are forever friendships in this group, definitely. So, lots of crying and hugging. But everyone was fine.

Saturday evening was flawless. The dancers cried, I cried, the audience cried. So good. And I got flowers! Usually I'm co-conspirator to getting the AD flowers, but I'm stage left on headset and the seniors come by and say, come out on stage! So I start to take my headset off and one comes back and says, get your butt on stage!!! So I did and they gave me flowers! I don't usually get flowers for the company show so that was really, deeply touching. My whole heart you guys.

Sunday it stormed and I slept and played games and then it became beautiful so I went for a walk and just rested. But I am still so exhausted today. I'm thinking of using some vacation time and taking off on Good Friday. I won't have classes so I can just have a long weekend. Actually, I think I will... I could use a mental health day.

ETA: and there goes the headspace. The fleeting moments of "normal" are nice, but they don't last. So now I'm tired and depressed and I just want to go home.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Tue Apr 04, 2017 02:21 PM
I called in sick today.

I physically couldn't deal with today. I was so tired I kept lying in bed, only to get up and do something nominal and then be so tired I needed to lie back down. I ended up sleeping another 3+ hrs on top of the 7 hours I slept last night.

So yeah, I know I'm run down, but this is ridiculous. I can't just stop functioning in life. Thankfully my doctor's appointment is on Friday. I think we're going to have to look at a different antidepressant. This one just makes me too tired and there's not enough lack of depression to make it worth it.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By kandykanePremium member
On Wed Apr 05, 2017 09:40 AM
I cannot stress enough how much being on the right medication has helped me. And the one the doctor chose was literally by chance. I developed high blood pressure and they picked a low dose of propanalol because it also helps prevent migraines, with the nice little side effect of anti anxiety. And after a couple of months, stability became my best friend. Chaos was still around me, but it was no longer 'in me'. If that makes sense. And coping became easier.

Talk to your doctor. I hope they get you sorted out, soon.

Hugs, dear.

re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Wed Apr 05, 2017 03:43 PM
Hang in there. Finding the right medication can be a real crapshoot. Takes about 6 weeks to become fully effective, too, which is not that helpful during those 6 weeks.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Fri Apr 07, 2017 01:45 AM
Yeah, I will talk to my doctor today. Given that I've been exhausted (but not exactly sleeping - oh hey 2:30am) and that the exhaustion started with the Prozac, well, it's definitely not the pill for me. I can only hope that since this is a consultation, it'll be cheaper than the last visit. Now that I know doctor visit coding, this one should hopefully be no more than $80, not $170 (plus $80 for labs). Because I may not be able to afford to go in every month until we find an antidepressant that actually works for me.

Guys, I'm thinking of getting rid of my Twitter for a while. And avoiding the news. I already limited/deleted my facebook from my phone and I've been happier. I can't deal with our president and his actions anymore. Even though I see it being reported that the strike was expected and not apparent for escalation, the fact that I live in a country that would happily bomb another while in the same breath refusing to help the refugees just hurts my heart. That's why I'm awake right now. I know I can't be an ostrich and bury my head in the sand, I know I have to deal with the atrocities in the world. But right now, I don't think I can.

Right now, I ache for people. And while losing 30+ lbs since January is good, because I do need to lose weight (hey side effect of being depressed for years), I was just starting to eat semi-normally again. At least eating more than 1200 calories a day, which I haven't been doing. Because I couldn't eat, then I didn't want food, and then medication took my appetite, but I was starting to eat more normally - I'm averaging about 1500 calories a day this week. Which is good. Which means I'm still losing weight but I'm also giving my body enough fuel to function. And now? Don't want it. I'm not sure how starving myself helps with the political situations we're in, but, that's where we stand. I've been walking a ton lately too. Instead of stress eating, I'm stress walking. But stress walking and not eating isn't good either. And I know this. Intelligently, I know this. Emotionally? +sigh+ Emotionally I'm doing the best I can.

Okay, gonna try to go back to sleep. Work tomorrow. Doctor tomorrow. Classes tomorrow. Mental breakdown postponed until I have the energy. So, indefinitely at this point. Heh. 😆😂😰😭
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Fri Apr 07, 2017 01:56 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-04-07 15:02:11
See next post...
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Fri Apr 07, 2017 03:14 PM
So, anyone have any experiences with Cymbalta?

We're gonna try that and see if it's better.

ETA: So, let's just hope that I'm of the majority who don't get the scary side effects of the antidepressant mixed with the migraine meds. Because, yeah. Thanks, but no.

Also, can we talk about Cymbalta side effects for a moment?

So picture 2 is the common side effects. 😐

I... welp. Huh.

So insomnia, sleepiness, weakness, headaches, and lack of appetite and accompanying weight loss are major side effects. So. Okay.


Are you freaking kidding me?

This is gonna be a loooong month. Andraste's knickers, I sincerely hope this works. Because if I have to go through another zombie month... 😭
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Sat Apr 08, 2017 01:37 PM
Okay, so my pcp changed her mind. I'm taking Lexapro. No real migraine medicine interactions. Also, side effects are being more awake and alert (take in the morning). Also, weight gain (eh... considering I averaged between 1150-1160 calories the past two weeks and I'm pushing myself to eat more this week and I'm averaging 1570, some appetite increase might be good). So, I'll let y'all know how it goes. I'm feeling more hopeful. Not seeing anorexia as a possible side effect of this pill is encouraging given the trouble I've had lately with eating. So, yeah.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Mon Apr 10, 2017 10:12 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-04-10 10:52:45
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-04-10 11:01:51
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-04-10 13:21:25
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-04-10 16:26:07 I love being a mod and having unrestrained ability to edit my posts muahahahahahahaha
I think I'm getting a migraine. I'm going to wait until after this patient before I take anything. It'll only be 15 minutes. But I'm not feeling so good.

I start the Lexapro tomorrow. I've been chatting on the Lexapro reddit page and honestly some of what people are describing is scaring me a bit. I'm hoping that since it's in the same family as Prozac, maybe since I've spent a month with awful side-effects, this one will transition smoothly.

Okay, I'm going to get adjusted and see if that helps my head first. I don't want to be "drunk" at work.

ETA: It's pouring. My head feels not migraine-y. Not gonna take the rizatriptan unless it's a true migraine.

ETA2: Okay, not a migraine except I'm SUPER light sensitive right now. The light from the fixture feels heavy on my head and it's so bright. It's making feel nauseated. The pain in my migraine spot isn't there but I'm have all the bodily effects of a migraine without the migraine. This is bizarre.

ETA3: Eating lunch helped. Also, drinking coffee, so some caffeine and sugar will help too. I actually feel okay right now.

ETA4: I feel kinda awful. My stomach feels wrecked right now. Bleh. Also, non-sequitur, Jeff Buckley's version of "Hallelujah" is the definitive version all others must compare with.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Tue Apr 11, 2017 11:01 AM
Okay, I took my first dose this morning at 8am. I had some yogurt with it and then worked out for about an hour. At work now. I'll be at work until 5:30 and then I have classes from 6:30-8:30.

My head feels like it's going to implode. Like a black hole where my brain should be sucking down on my cranium. This headache is centralized behind my sinuses and canvases up and over the center of head to my neck. Okay. It could be weather related. It's storming down here. When I was out walking this morning, the sun pushed out a little bit and the weird white/grey light that filtered down immediately made me feel awful. I felt like I was suddenly looking through a mild fisheye lens and my head started pounding. Yay light sensitivity! But I took a shower when I got home and cooled down and my head felt better. Until about 30 minutes ago. But then again, it was pouring as I drove to work. So maybe it's the weather? Or maybe it's not. I don't honestly know.

Here again, this isn't the pressure headache I've been having lately, the balloon stretched to the point of bursting tension headache. That headache feels stretched thin, incredible surface tension. This headache is like mohawk. It hurts down the center of my head.

I also feel that same drugged struggling-to-keep-my-eyes-open feeling I had on the Prozac. (It's almost noon here now.) My head feels heavy. Between the headache and drugged feeling, my head feels like it's weighed down, but weirdly light at the same time if that makes sense? Like it's filled with a heavier than air gas. The inside of my head feels heavy, the outside of my head feels light.

I'm also having a really hard time concentrating. I just caught myself staring at my computer background while my eyes glazed over as I was typing. I don't even know what I was typing.

Tomorrow I'm going to take the Lexapro at night and see if that makes a difference. I can't do another few weeks of being a zombie. I just physically can't.
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