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re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces (karma: 3)
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Fri Apr 14, 2017 09:37 AM
GUYS.

I FEEL AWESOME TODAY.

I just thought y'all should know. <3
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By hummingbird Comments: 10435, member since Mon Apr 18, 2005
On Fri Apr 14, 2017 07:15 PM
That's great news, it's wonderful to hear that you're feeling so good!

Keep us updated and don't be afraid to bend our ears if things get rough for you again. I know I haven't answered recently but I'm listening to you and sending positive thoughts and sympathy when needed.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Mon Apr 17, 2017 08:39 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-04-17 08:54:36
My sister and I went out on Saturday. It was just a gorgeous day. Ridiculously beautiful. We went to Mozarts and Hula Hut and Mount Bonnell and had a great Austin day. We sat by Town Lake for hours. My soul feels refreshed and ready.

I'm finally feeling like a functional adult. I've been able to get some stuff done without totally shutting down - which is huge. I've been sleeping pretty consistently. The Lexapro makes me fall asleep. I made the mistake of taking it at 9:30pm (when I should) but then trying to stay up to finish laundry. I was so tired I straight forgot to take out my contacts. But I slept so good.

I also got an appetite back this weekend! I enjoyed eating and drinking. I actually went over my calorie recommendation by like a 1000 calories. XD But you know what, it's fine, I enjoyed that ice cream and alcohol. And that's not going to be a regular thing, but it was nice to eat and really enjoy the food.

So I have a plan to go to Seattle next March for ECCC. I haven't seen Cali in AGES and B's on board. Now I just have to start saving money so I can afford the con tickets and plane tickets. It also gives me a good fitness goal. I haven't seen Cali since 2011 and I want to look good in the many, many, many pictures we take. I'm also hoping that Saint M might be able to come down next year - they've been looking at attending PAX South or a festival, and if she and her SO do, I will definitely make time to meet up with them. PinUp was also mentioning maybe coming down with her SO, which would be awesome! *AND* I've got tentative (hopeful) plans to meet-up with Midlake_Muse for Hamilton next year too. So I'm looking forward to 2018. I have plans I'd like to see come to fruition.

It's nice to be excited about the future. It's nice to want to be excited about the future. I'm doing good, y'all. I'm starting to get back to ME again.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Tue Apr 18, 2017 11:22 AM
Man, I've got a headache today. Mentally I'm good. My headspace feels solid today. But I feel like I'm trying to get a migraine. My body is doing that thing where it started my period yesterday, decided to NOPE today, and I can feel the pressure building which means my period will hit like a suckerpunch tomorrow.

My head hurts and I've had some major tinnitus off and on and the light feels heavy.

Bleh.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Wed Apr 19, 2017 08:42 AM
I made the mistake of drinking coffee after 5pm yesterday. Slept awful. Super tired today. And crampy. And bloated. And gross. And ugh. Being a girl sucks.

But did I tell y'all that I'm wearing pants I bought two years and never wore because they didn't quite fit? And then I gained weight. And I never took the tags off. And I pulled the tags off and wore them last week. And they fit really well. Also, they were $12 on clearance at the Gap so they're really nice pants. I'm wearing the larger size today because period bloat, but the size down fits as well. I just wanted comfy pants today. But I feel more chic and less frumpy, which is pretty neat. My weight goal is still a distant thing, but I am making progress. And I know feeling better in my skin is going a long way to my overall health too.

Anyway. Back cramps suck.

Love you beautiful people.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Mon Apr 24, 2017 08:55 AM
All right lovely, things are good.

Despite getting not enough sleep last night and falling on Saturday, I actually feel really well. The Lexapro is doing a good job. I'm not sorry for trying to break the depression cycle with other non-medicine means first, but I do wish I had done this sooner. I'm not overly bubbly-happy, but my brain feels clear. I feel solid again and not like some lugubrious facsimile of a human fading out of existence.

According to the doctor's scale at work, I'm down 40 lbs since January, according to my scale at home I'm down 38.5 lbs. I'm choosing to believe the doctors scale I think. XD I'm wearing my other clearance Gap pants which are a size smaller than the other pants. This is the first time I've worn them. I couldn't get them on when I bought them 2 years ago but the price was too good to pass up. So, I'm starting to feel good in my skin again too. I still have a weight loss journey ahead of me, with no clear cut weight as a goal. I am big boned - legitimately - I'm fat too, but I am actually big boned. For my height, the normal bmi ranges from 118-148 and I can tell you right now, I need to stay near the heavier end of that. Me at 125 looks skeletal and sickly, so I'm thinking of somewhere between 135-145. But we'll see. I may be perfectly happy being "overweight" at 150lbs. For friends who see my pics on Facebook, I was 150lbs when I got married, so take a look at those pics and you'll see what I mean. A little weight looks better on me, I can look anorexic real quick (even if I'm not) because my ribs and sternum and hip bones start protruding dramatically. So I'm trying to be realistic in my goals. And specifically, my goal is to feel healthy and fit and comfortable in my skin. I want to be able to see pictures of myself and not bemoan how I look.

Okay, so recital is next Saturday and I literally finished my dances last week. Oh man. I definitely dropped the ball this year. I think it'll be all right, but I wish I had started the Lex months ago so I hadn't fallen so deep into such a dark place. I know that shadow is there in my brain, it's a part of me. But being proactive in quieting it and shutting it down is good. I don't want to be on an antidepressant for the rest of my life, but knowing my family's mental history, if I have to, that's fine too. Functioning and being productive is far superior to hollow point bullets.

All right my friends, I'm out.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Fri Apr 28, 2017 02:20 PM
Hey.

I'm down today.

I think it's because I'm tired.

The kitten decided she needed snuggles at 2:30am which woke me up. So we snuggled, but I had trouble getting back to sleep. I also had a hard time getting up this morning.

And as such, I'm just a bit melancholy today. Not depressed. My brain space is clear. The sticky fingers are locked away and there aren't any shadows cast across skull. So that's good.

I'm also stuck weightwise. I can't seem to break this ten pounds. Need to step up my workouts. And not get tacos like I did today. :/

All right lovely people. Later.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Sat Apr 29, 2017 02:18 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-04-29 14:26:02
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-04-29 20:17:54
And now for another installment of "TMI: A Look Into Sumayah's Sex Life." Feel free to skip this entry if you're so inclined. Again, I'm detailing this because someone else might be going through similar things, and knowing you're not alone goes a long way.

First off, in response to my self-discovery at the beginning of my diary that I've sort of touched on here and there, but really haven't explored, let's do a little introspective dialogue shall we? Given that I'm married to a dude and have never been with anyone else (literally), everything is speculative. If I had to put a label on myself, I'd say at this point I'm bi-curious. Because honestly, women are pretty and I've discovered I definitely have a type, if you go off all my girlcrushes. I tend to go towards pretty, petite brunettes, nerdy-hipster, glasses and curly hair a plus. Also, the sophisticated feminine/androgynous look is really hot too. I also seem to gravitate towards late 20's and early 30's, which is weird. I just discovered two of my girlcrushes are born in 1988. So, that's a thing apparently. Actually most of my friends tend to fall in that late '80s time period. So I'm gonna go with I was born in the wrong time period since these are the folks I click with as friends (all crushes aside). And in relation to girlcrushes, late 20s isn't too bad. Like I look at young 20 yr olds and think, dawwwww they're such babies! Look at them starting out in the real world. And it could be the fact that I've been teaching long enough to see my teen students turn into 20 yr olds and I just think of them as children still. But yeah, zero attraction to the 21 yr olds of the world. But apparently 28 going on 29 is the magic number. So, huh. Weird insights into my brain up in here.

Re: my sexlife with B, that has gotten remarkably better. Despite the fact that Lexapro's side effect include diminished sexual interest and anorgasmia, I've been super horny. A large part of that is feeling better in my skin and having confidence again. And really, that was a side effect I wasn't too worried about since previously my interest in sex was nil. How do you want sex less when you already don't want it at all? So this is a nice change of pace. We also talked. And B listened. He is really making a huge effort. Like I haven't seen him this determined to be a part of our marriage as a couple ever. And if he's willing to work to make our marriage a success, then I am too. But our actual sex has gotten better. I talked to him about how I didn't feel engaged or involved, that i was just sort of a warm receptacle with which he was having sex. We talked about the things he enjoys (and doesn't) and I talked about the things I enjoy (and don't) and our sex life has improved dramatically. We're both making concessions and trying to do more for the other person, rather than taking what we can selfishly. So yay!

Interestingly, B has already told me that having sex with another guy is a deal breaker for him (which I'm fine with), but if I ever hooked up with a chick, it would be fine. I think he's ever hopeful of a threesome, which I'm not interested in, but yeah, I wouldn't mind seeing what happens with a woman, but it would be a polyamorous relationship between her and me and then separately, me and him, but not me, her, and him. But again, this is pure speculation and curiosity speaking. Because finding someone I'm attracted to who would be into me and after many explicit discussions on consent and boundaries and everything, I don't see it ever actually happening. My girlcrushes are in relationships with guys so, maybe that also part of it? They're safe. And they live nowhere nearby. So the odds of my curiosity actually having to be confronted and become a concrete thing is probably not ever going to happen. Which is okay too. Sexuality is a fluid thing, and curiosity itself does no harm. And seeing as there would be a lot of i's to dot and t's to cross based on the whole I'm not single thing and so there are multiple parties involved here, it's fine if it stays curiosity and never gets explored beyond private browsing for porn.

So that where things stand. Sex is much better, and that's partially because B is willing to actually listen to me and make changes and partially because I'm starting to feel better in my body and the confidence is doing amazing things to my sexual interest.

All right y'all, sorry for that, but hey, I warned you to skip it!

ETA: I will say though that I value my friendships over curiosity. So even if I were to meet up with a girlcrush, they would absolutely have to make the first move. I love my friends, I am deeply loyal to my friends, but I am absolutely not willing to risk a friendship over my infatuation/crush.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Tue May 02, 2017 08:47 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-05-02 20:49:03 Sorry pic is sideways
Hey, so...

I'm fine.

I mean I'm sore already. And I'm gonna feel like shit tomorrow. But I'm okay.

Car's okay. Sorta. I'm gonna need a lot of duct tape. It's going to have to go in and get fixed. But i can't even think about that until after recital. Same with my shattered phone screen.

But I'm okay.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6850, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Wed May 03, 2017 09:16 PM
Edited by Christine (207347) on 2017-05-03 21:18:27 PS Added. xoxo
Well this SUCKS....

You poor thing!

I'm glad you're ok...but I am so sorry to see you dealing with this mess.

But yes, I'm really, really, REALLY, GLAD YOU'RE OK.

Hugs.xoxoxo

Keep On Dancing*

PS.... Is it possible that you might be taking the title of this diary just a little too literally?

More hugs. I soooooooo love you. Please don't let anything happen to you. xoxox

Keep On Dancing*
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 11335, member since Sun Nov 23, 2003
On Fri May 05, 2017 07:24 AM
Noooo ! :( Sending you good vibes and karma because gosh you've earned some.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Sun May 07, 2017 11:59 AM
B and I just had a fight. He says I started it and is sulking I his office with the door locked (I assume). No. That's not how that went down.

I said I was going to do dishes and clean the master bedroom and bathroom. I went downstairs to do dishes, he's messing with his drum kit. I mention that I need to leave around 1:30pm. He gets immediately agitated and starts lecturing/mansplaining about how I can't just go off and ignore responsibilities. I remind him that I'm retuning the tutus. He goes, oh, well that's all right and then goes right back into telling me that I'm not allowed to go out and do stuff until the house is cleaned. He also keeps going on about how I hate to clean, how I hate to do anything, how he's done with it.

All right. So that was what? 2 months?

Time to figure out if because I owned the house prior to marriage and that since it's still in my maiden name, whether he has claim to it at all. Because I'm done. That was the last straw. I understand that there will be arguments in a relationship. And both parties need to work together to fix things. But I am unwilling to deal with these childish outburst and demands. I will be opening an account of my own as soon as I'm able.

Given my car troubles... it'll be in the shop for a full two weeks. Renting a car is more that I can afford. I'm going to be bumming rides until it's fixed. Only a $200 deductible though. So that's something.

Oh, he's now in the bedroom sulking and watching TV in bed because he doesn't want to be in the same room with me. Delivered in the worst whinging way possible. I'm so over this. I've been reminding myself that these weeks of niceties we're going to wear out and we'd be right back to where we were. So here we are.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Mon May 08, 2017 09:35 AM
Puts back of her hand on her forehead and collapses dramatically onto a fainting couch

Is it pms? Is it the wreck? Is it the neck pain and the maybe it's a migraine for three days maybe it's not but it's getting worse headache? Is it him? Is it me? Is it the meds? Is it all of the above?

Image hotlink - 'https://cdn.meme.am/cache/instances/folder961/500x/63385961/scarlett-ohara-bitch-face-coffee-make-it-black-like-my-heart-soul.jpg'

WHAAAAAT IS UP WITH ME?

So yesterday I was all [EXPLETIVE] B [EXPLETIVE EXPLETIVE] I'M DONE [EXPLETIVE] LEAVING FOR GOOD.

Today I'm all...
Image hotlink - 'https://images.gr-assets.com/hostedimages/1443508917ra/16370635.gif'

GUUUUUUUYYYY SSSS .

*sigh*
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Dancing_EMTmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 3467, member since Wed Dec 08, 2004
On Tue May 09, 2017 11:15 PM
OH HELL NO! My husband doesn't tell me I can't go out. I tell HIM that I am. Although, I ask first if we have anything planned or if he wanted to do something. But TELLING you that you're not allowed? Nope.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Thu May 11, 2017 10:26 AM
Oh I checked him real quick after that comment. I told him that he was being archaic and that wasn't the sort of relationship we had. I'm not standing for that. I reminded him that maybe we just needed to be done.

I'm still not sure.

I had a 5 day migraine. Woke up this morning and my ear canal was bleeding so that's cool. Postdrome headache. Teeth hurt. Fever/stress blister on my lip.

So.

Okay.













































Could use some encouragement. I don't know what's going on with me. I've also been having some fairly major cognitive problems. I'm wondering if it's from the Lexapro. Like my equilibrium and speech are off. I'm having a hard time pulling thoughts to my brain. I'm trying to be upbeat and cheerful, but I'm sort of just. I don't know.

I didn't tell y'all what happened did I?

Grab a drink and some popcorn. This is going to be long.

Okay, so Tuesday the 2nd I had my wreck after work, on my way to the studio. It's dress rehearsal week. I get my bumper back on and get to the studio and have my dress rehearsal. I'm surprisingly calm and cheery given the circumstances. I walk for an hour that night and traction my neck and go to bed.

Wednesday, the 3rd, I wake up and I'm moving really slowly. My boss is out and we have a fill in chiropractor doing the adjusting. I text my coworkers and let them know I'm going to really late and let them know why. I get to work and apologize for running late, it took me longer because I had to put the bumper back in place a few times in my 45 minute drive. They ask how I am and I say I'm fine and go into my office and burst into tears. I'm back here quietly sobbing and they determine that it's shock/stress less than pain that's the problem. We do xrays and I get a full exam and an adjustment and cold laser.

My dad had a chiropractic appointment scheduled and so I ask if he'll take me home and I leave my car. He takes me to get lunch and lets me run an errand I needed to deal with and takes me home. I sleep. And sleep. And wake up and go walk to help warm up my muscles and wake-up. My dad takes me to get my car and follows me home. When it comes to car issues, I prefer my dad to B, as my dad has car knowledge.

Thursday, May 4th. I had already notified boss #2 of the wreck and he told me to stay home and rest. I slept in and then I got up and got dressed and ready and took my car into the repair facility to get looked at. I'm told my car is undriveable based on the damage. Like the hood was not latched, it was just jammed, but if it came loose, it could be a significant issue and cause a wreck and/or damage to the body of the car.

My dad had already agreed to bring me home from the shop. I find out rental car prices - $30 per day - eventually learn that my car is going to be in the shop until the 19th. That's almost $500. Because the accident was my fault, my insurance doesn't cover the cost of a rental car. And $500 is more than we can afford. So I call my dad and ask if I can borrow one of their cars. My dad drives to the chiropractor and the grocery store. My dad drives my mom's car with her in it to doctor's appointments. They're retired.

No.

No, I may not.

No, because B and I rely too much on them. I'm not self-sufficient enough. I'm never available to help out when my mom needs something. What do I do for them? Nothing. So no. No car.




























































































Um.

I...

Wow.



















Okay then.

I'm LIVID.

So instead of getting my dad to pick me up and take me home, I decide I absolutely don't want to see him or hear his disappointed lecture in what a failure I am. I walk home.

On the side of the highway.

I walk.

I get home an hour later and send my mom and dad this text:
Spoiler: Show
Me: Hey fam,

Given the current circumstances and the fact that I'm "not self reliant" enough, and "depend too much" on y'all, I and B shall not ask for assistance of any sort moving forward.

I am so very sorry that his working 12 hrs a day and my working 3 jobs six days a week have made it so that we have to ask for favors. I am also sorry that because we do work so much that we have been unable to reciprocate these favors back. I did not realize that these requests were as intrusive and inconvenient as they apparently have been.

As it appears that asking for help is a weakness we need to overcome, and that asking for help is based on conditional love, well... I'm done.

Mom: What happened

Me: [pic of car]
Insurance doesn't cover rentals, can't afford $30/day for two weeks. Didn't realize asking for help was going to be such a big deal. My mistake. So, I won't ask for further help.

Mom: Your poor car. Did you get hurt

Me: I'm all right. Neck and upper back are sore, had a bit of a breakdown yesterday at work, coworkers made me go home and refused to let me drive myself (rightly so, I was having cognitive difficulties and couldn't focus). Better today. Good enough that I walked home from [auto repair place]. Don't want to be an inconvenience...

Mom: Your dad came in and told me what he said. I think you the brunt of his being tired of all the doctor appointments and not doing what he wants when he wants. He did not speak to me all day recently and said how nice it was that he only had himself to please.

Me: Oh he's in this message too. No, this isn't the first time this has happened. But it will be the last.

The favors that we ask of them? Hey dad, can you bring in a package on the front porch so it's not sitting out? Hey, can we borrow (and return) a tool we don't have? We don't ask for money or help with bills. We don't ask for groceries. We don't ask for gas.

After the flea infestation last, after I had sprayed the back and front yard, flea dipped all four animals, put the animals in carriers, sprinkled flea powder on all the carpeting, and flea bombed up and downstairs, me and animals needed a place to hang out for a couple hours. My dad's response? No. So I sat in a parking lot for hours because I literally had nowhere else to go.

When I was a teenager, hey, can I have $20 to see a movie? Well, what have you done to earn that money? Well... Maybe you need to plan for these things so you have money to spend. Well dad, my friend just called and asked, this wasn't a planned thing. That's too bad. Okay, I'll call them back and let them know I can't go.

He's pulled this with me my whole life. This is the first time I'm not taking it. The first time I'm standing up for myself.

I actually have a theory.

I wasn't planned. I came along 10 years after my sister. I was born in September. My mom's birthday is in December, my dad's is January. Pretttt y sure I was birthday sex. Probably begrudging birthday sex. Possibly less than consensual, but we're married so I have to do this I guess, birthday sex. My mom wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant. And then voila, here I come.

So I'm wondering if there's some pent up anger surrounding my very existence. Something I have literally zero control over. But I wonder if that's not why there's some animosity in regards to me needing stuff.

Or, conversely, my dad is a giant asshole.

There is that.

Okay, so Friday, May 5th. B gives me a ride to rent a car for a day. I run errands, go grocery shopping, go to dress rehearsal. Drink.

Saturday May 6th, I do afterhours drop for the rental, and get a ride to recital with my boss. After recital she takes me out to eat and bring me home. And I drink some more. And get the starting of a migraine.

Sunday, May 7th, I have the fight with B. Migraine.

Monday, May 8th was actually good except for the migraine.

Tuesday I spill a full 24oz coffee all over my desk, paperwork, keyboard, myself, chair, and floor. Then my period starts. Migraine. I teach classes, take yoga. We did floating wishes. Write down something you want to keep inside or something you want to let go of. I write "resentment" and "anger." I make the funnel, it lights on fire and falls over. It doesn't fly. My boss looks at me and says, "That means something. Not ready to let go?" I guess not.

Wednesday, yesterday, I finally bought a Coke and I swear the combination of caffeine and carbonation is magic. My migraine finally faded last night.

Today, I woke up with a postdrome headache. When I got to work, I discovered that my right ear canal had crusted, dried blood all in in and down my neck. I'm just sort of at a loss. I'm definitely at the point of no return. I mean do I walk out into traffic or wait and see if I'm developing superpowers? (It's a joke, I'm not suicidal.)

Just any love you can send my way right now, I'd appreciate it.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By hummingbird Comments: 10435, member since Mon Apr 18, 2005
On Thu May 11, 2017 12:18 PM
That's a whole load of poop to have to deal with in one go, I wish I lived closer and could help out.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Dancing_EMTmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 3467, member since Wed Dec 08, 2004
On Thu May 11, 2017 11:17 PM
Did you hit your head? Blood coming out of the ears is never really a good sign. How much blood are we talking about? If you're still having headaches, you need to get that looked at.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Fri May 12, 2017 06:38 AM
EMT - no, didn't hit my head. That ear is the one with perforated eardrum. Between the five day migraine, crazy fronts coming through with major atmospheric pressure that wrecked havoc on me, and stress, I'm pretty sure I got a mild inner-ear infection. Gonna call my pcp and explain the situation and carlessness and see if she'll prescribe me some antibiotics sight unseen. I'm not sure she will, but I'm sorta out of luck otherwise.

It wasn't much blood. Enough to leave a couple dime sized spots on my pillow and it had dried on my neck, ear and ear canal. Enough to freak me out after the major migraine I had that the Maxalt didn't help. I'm pretty sure the Lex cancels out the pain relief of the Maxalt.

Bleh.

Hummingbird - <3 <3 <3
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 11335, member since Sun Nov 23, 2003
On Fri May 12, 2017 07:38 AM
:( :( :(

9 days until I see you thoooooo
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Mon May 15, 2017 09:10 AM
MidlakeMuse I am so excited to meet up on Sunday!!

Okay, relationship status update:

B is making some headway. I'm opening a bank account for myself that I can start setting money aside into for traveling and I'm going to see if I can get a credit card that rewards with airline miles. I am determined to start visiting people and places. And he's in full support of this plan.

He also mentioned finding a support group or something for children of toxic parents. He's realizing he has some issues he needs to deal with and as I didn't grow up with toxic parents, I'm not really able to empathize. I told him if he could find a sliding scale therapist, that would be helpful in sorting out the baggage he's carrying around. He's open to it.

One more week carless. I wish we had a better public transportation system here. Friday I discovered that neither buses nor trains run during lunch out to my neck of the woods. So if you live in an outlying area, you're straight out of luck. Fortunately everyone has been very gracious in shuttling me places. I've got quite a few thank you notes to write...

All right lovely people. I'm out.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Mon May 22, 2017 03:19 PM
So... meet Fiammetta.

Fia came into my life on Saturday after quick flirtation on Friday. She and I are now best buds.

As it turns out, Alistair was supposed to be ready on Friday the 19th. But on Thursday, I get a call from the repair place. They're worried about the cost of fixing him. Sure enough I get a call from insurance saying he's been totaled.

My stomach dropped.

Alistair is totaled!? But... but he's supposed to be fixed! I'm supposed to have him back tomorrow!

Not so much.

I have a feeling that my run in with inertia isn't what really caused the damage. Remember when I T-boned that big SUV a few years ago over spring break? Yeah, the incident where I had to take video to prove that she was at fault? Pretttt y sure the bulk of the damage is from that. Because it never quite ran the same after that. So as they'll digging in deeper and finding more stuff beyond the exterior damage, it exceeds $5000 and it was done.

So after being carless for two weeks, I said goodbye to Alistair and went car shopping. So now I've got Fia and she's super cute. But that was a headache.

Also, got to see TheMidlakeMuse and have sushi and that was awesome. All right folks, I'm out!
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By hummingbird Comments: 10435, member since Mon Apr 18, 2005
On Mon May 22, 2017 07:01 PM



Fiammetta is super cute! So what I would have gone for if I didn't have -40 and blizzards to cope with and reminds me a lot of a car I had years ago called Daisy Deckchair, this is a picture of her namesake.

Have fun in Fiammetta!
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Tue May 23, 2017 11:14 AM
Daisy Deckchair is adorable! I am loving Fia - she's taking a little getting used to because no two clutches are the same, but she's amazing.

Okay guys. Dun dun dun. Time to play "Will She Won't She When Is She Just Going Woman Up And Do Something Because This Indecision Is Driving Us All Mad."

Soooo . B. It's just a HUGE thing, you know? I know Saint M is probably sick of me at this point. Well, sick of my whinging and bemoaning my marriage at least. And she should be. I hit her with this the other day:
Spoiler: Show
Me: So. As an outsider who only knows what I present to you as experienced and felt by me, how would you describe my relationship with B? Typical? Unhealthy? Dysfunctional? Poor? Okay? Abusive (mentally and/or emotionally)? Average? Good to average except when it's bad and it's bad? All of the above? Adjectives I haven't mentioned?

Me: I know you have a very biased p.o.v. because you're my friend and have my back, but you're also level headed and can set your bias aside enough for me to figure out if I'm just feeling emotions and I'm not used to feeling emotions and overreacting or underreacting or appropriately feel.

Me: And if I'm overreacting, tell me. It's the practical Virgo in me. I'd rather know than be given platitudes.

Saint M: I don't think he's abusive. I think he's selfish, and he's either the most thick-headed person in the world or he doesn't realize that relationships are a compromise and he can't have everything he wants, especially not at the cost of your stuff, or he's narcissistic and manipulative and he knows exactly what he's doing and he thinks now if he exerts even more control he's going to win somehow?

Saint M: Either way, he's entirely wrong headed. Either he needs to learn that what he's doing isn't how this works, or he needs a good thump upside the head.

Saint M: Do you know the narcissist's prayer?

Me: No.

Saint M: Because his victim playing makes me think of that.

Saint M:
That didn't happen.

And if it did, it wasn't that bad.

And if it was, that's not a big deal.

And if it is, that's not my fault.

And if it was, I didn't mean it.

And if I did...

You deserved it.

I didn't tell her, but at that point I burst into tears. I literally set my phone down and walked away and cried. For about ten minutes. That hit me hard. Because that's exactly B's behavior.

I'm so torn. In my heart, I know I should just except the inevitable that our relationship is done and has been done for a while now. But I love him, still. And I know he loves me. But love isn't enough. The negatives in the relationship aren't many, but they're large and bold and underlined whereas the positives are many but small and frequently subscript. So what stands out? Not the many small, good words, the few large print negatives. They practically scream off the page. So I'm here trying to the best of a not awful, but not great situation, trying to decide if moving on is really the best decision, trying to decide if it's time to listen to the truth of the situation or close my eyes and pretend that everything is fine.

I don't know. I think I know what to do. But I don't have the courage to make it happen. I still have too many "what-ifs" and doubt. Maybe courage is the wrong word. I have the courage to do it. I don't have the conviction. I need to know in my whole being that it's the right choice. And there's still too much of me that can't agree. And it doesn't matter what anyone else says, this is something I need to be convinced of within myself. And right now I'm not.

So, TL:DR, you'll have to put up with me being indecisive for a while longer. Sorry.

This past week was a bad week for weightloss. I need to hone back in and make this 10 pounds happen. Because I'm so close. Ten pounds at a time Suma, you've got this.

All right lovely people, I love you.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Wed May 24, 2017 07:19 PM
Hey, so I have this tiny black rubbery Pegasus on my desk that just larger than tiny Cthulhu and I for the life of me can't remember where it came from.

Anyway. Brunch on Sunday. I'm hosting this month. I need to figure out some egg dish, but mostly I'm excited to make kolaches. I freaking love kolaches. So I'm going to make half of them prune and half of them apricot. Sunday brunch is always a good time. We drink a lot of mimosas. I need to pick up Kahlua and Bailey's for coffee. We're a boozy group. I'm really looking forward to seeing my friends. I feel like I've been isolated from them lately. It's been of my own doing, but I'm finally in a place where I want to reach out to people and be involved in other people's lives.

I picked out a birthday gift for Saint M and for Cali. I'm really excited. They're exactly 367 days apart. I'd tell y'all what I'm getting them, but I don't want them somehow finding out what it is. But just know it'll be awesome and I'll post pics after their birthdays in August.

Dietwise I'm sort of spiraling a bit. I need to get a grip and tighten up the reins again. I still have far too far to go. I can't stop now.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Thu May 25, 2017 06:33 PM
I removed my Twitter and Facebook from my phone. I'm spending way too much time on my phone and the news is making me... not anxious, but anxious. Not depressed but depressed. Not sad but sad. I can't really describe it. But I thought it would be best to be more present in my actual life. (As I type on my computer with the door closed.)

I'm losing focus. I need to get back to being here. Here in my life, not here on DDN. XD

We're going to start working on the reveal tonight. I'm excited to put my boss's movement on my body. I love reveal. It's my favorite part of the year. I have a song I want to choreograph to, I'll let y'all know what is later, just in case any of my students happen on this. I can't image how they would but, better safe than sorry.

I'm sitting on a lot of secrets right now. Stuff that's not important but stuff that will get revealed later.

All right lovely people, I'm out.
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