Forum: Arts / Diaries

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re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Fri May 26, 2017 10:35 PM
I discovered something last night. Two things actually. 1) I dream in color and 2) I dream in high def. I rarely remember dreaming, and when I do, it's this lo-fi, Cliff's Notes generalization of major events. For instance, I remember dreaming that I took a nap - I told y'all about that - but my memory stops with getting into bed to nap and sleep dancing. It was a top down view where I was watching myself nap. But I have no recollection of context (not that dreams have context). But this dream was vivid and I remember in great detail what happened. And I remember more than a gif's worth of information.

According to Dreammoods, my dream
refers to the integration and merging of contrasting aspects of yourself. It represents psychological represents an expression of greater self love and acceptance.

So what was my dream about? Sex. Really gay sex. Because I know anything about being with a woman. I don't. I sat down and wrote it out because the details were so clear and my memory of the dream was so exact. No one will ever read it because it's stupid embarrassing, I'm not an author, and I can't even read it now that it's written. And I certainly can't post it here without breaking ddn porn bylaws. And even though my partner in the dream wasn't a real person, pretty sure she was an amalgamation of all the girls I have a crush on, I was very clearly myself. It was a dream about being with a girl for the first time and my idiosyncratic behavior definitely showed through. I also woke up right when things started to get interesting because I think my brain was like, wait, no info, what do we do? Wake up! WAKE UP!

Anyway, my libido has been high lately and even not drunk I'm way more willing to do things. Normally blow jobs are a dreaded thing, but since my libido went so it seems did my tolerance. So yeah. I think my subconscious is just telling me I need to get laid.

On the note, good night folks! Sleek well, and I hope you too have crazy awesome sexy dreams!
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Sat May 27, 2017 12:00 PM
Aaaaaaand back to boring. I dreamed again. But this was a normal, awake-asleep-awake-asleep, weird ass dreams. Something about a theatre, it was a movie or play or dance performance? I don't know. But like the parking was bizarre, and there wasn't much of it, but there were no cars. I'm pretty sure I've had this dream before? It felt familiar. The parking lot, the chain link fence, the weird theatre...

And then I was fixing a dishwasher.


I will take yesterday's dream any day. Yesterday's dream was hot and sexy and vivid. Today's dream was mundane and blah and boring and *sigh*....

Also, Teen Titans is doing a Breakfast Club parody and Raven is dressed as the Ally Sheedy "Basket Case." Omg.

Time to make kolaches!!!
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Wed May 31, 2017 01:46 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-05-31 14:31:12
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-05-31 14:32:07 um, hey italics, you not coded in right?
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-05-31 14:33:16 okay, so funny thing about end brackets...
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-05-31 14:53:37 AHHHHHHHHH!
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-05-31 14:58:35 dead. dying. want to go sooooooo badly.
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-05-31 15:17:50 :(
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-05-31 16:38:47 Wishful hoping
The kolaches turned out amazing. Brunch was amazing. My friends are amazing. And you guys are amazing. I am extremely lucky to have the sorts of friends, both local and distant, that I have in my life. I don't say it enough but I appreciate you, more than you know.

Here's a small look into my brain.

I enjoy compliments as much as the next person, and "likes" are a nice response for posting a selfie. But if I straight up ask you to tell me I'm pretty, use those words or other approximate synonyms. That request is coming from a place of huge insecurity and I legitimately need to hear those words.

I've lost 50 pounds you guys. I haven't wanted to mention it, but it gives more credence to what I'm feeling. That's a pretty big deal, honestly. But I still have 65 pounds to shed. Depression was pretty brutal, and combined with a less than functioning endocrine system, it's no wonder I both couldn't lose weight and kept putting weight on. I also have the unfortunate circumstance of being large boned and sturdy. Even prepubescent me was never described as "petite." I wasn't overweight as a child, but I had substance - I was sturdy and strong. I've always appeared visually taller than I am. At 5'4" I was grouped with dancers who were 5'6" and taller (much to the directors surprise when he realized I wasn't that tall - I had placed myself in the height line correctly, but he had insisted I was further down the line and we all know you don't argue with the AD, you follow directions... XD). So I've always been big. And while losing weight has been a major help to making me feel better, my identity is sort of in limbo and my confidence is a bit rough.

So what do I do? I get fed up with my hair and chop it off.

I felt good about it doing it. I liked how it looked when I was done. Then the next day doubt crept in.

I literally posted a pic where I hoped I looked nice to Twitter and said "So, um, I cut my hair. Please stroke my ego and tell me I'm pretty because I'm having scissor regrets." I sent the same pic to K and Saint M. Wanna know how many people said, "Oh wow! You look so pretty with your haircut!"


It's nice. It's fine. It's great. It's cute.

The response was super underwhelming. I know I'm picking at semantics, but seriously?

I just needed to hear it. I told everyone what to say. And literally no one could say it to me. So hey, that's cool right?

I finally told K what was going on:
Spoiler: Show
Me:I'm having haircut regret. Tell me I'm pretty. Or reassure me it'll grow out.

K: What's wrong with your hair? Are you not used to having it short?

Me: I just cut it yesterday.

K: Obviously. What don't you like about it?

Me: I don't know. My self esteem is a little... wavering? I've lost 50 lbs and my hair was driving me crazy, I've been trying to get in for a proper haircut for like month. So finally I got frustrated and just grabbed scissors and chopped it all off. And now I wish it were still long. If I had just waited...

K: Ahh. Self cut. I gotcha. I think it looks fine. Is it a flat cut or did you layer it?

K: It was too long before. I love you, but it looked unhealthy and kinda stringy. This shorter cut gives it bounce and life.

Me: It's layered.

K: I think it looks fine sweets.

Me: Fine. *sigh*

K: I'm sorry that you're unhappy with it. :(

Me: This is going to sound ridiculous. I want someone to tell me I'm pretty. Like those exact words" you look pretty. But I keep getting "nice" and "fine" and "great" but not one damn person will say I look pretty and I just want to be pretty right now. Stupid I know.

K: You are pretty. Very pretty.

K: I love that pic you sent. You look happy and healthy.

Me: Thanks.

K: You've accomplished great thing and you've worked your ass off to do so.

K: You're a ridiculously fantastic person and one of the most loyal and best of friends.

Me: Okay, I just wanted to be pretty. You don't need to stroke my ego.

K: You're the kind of person that one can always count on.

K: No you need to hear it.

K: And I'm not stroking anything. You know I wouldn't blow smoke up your ass. If you sucked I'd say so.

K: The years that we lived together made some of my favorite memories. Watching kid's cartoons, taking turns playing video games on the PS2, even the Scrabble fiasco. You were the best roommate. Except you don't do your dishes.

Me: I still don't. Until I do.

K: Lol. Stupid dishes. My point being, you are one of the most gorgeous human beings I've even known. Gloriously wrapped in fantastic packaging.

K: I know you're not where you want to be, trust me I totally get that, but I love you just as you are, when we lived together, after you got married, right in this moment, and I know I'll continue to love you as we grow old.

K: And... your hair doesn't suck. ;)

Me: <3

K: You needed to hear more than you're just pretty. <3

Me: Thank you. I love you!

K: I love you too, dollface!

So yeah. I did need to hear that and it made me teary-eyed. I have a hard time believing it all the way, but she's right, we don't have the sort of relationship where we are disingenuous in either compliments or critiques.

I don't know where this is even going. Other than I am extremely lucky and grateful to have such amazing people around me. I only hope I give as much as I get, because I feel like I am constantly on the receiving end of so. much. love and care. Thank you. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for allowing me to be in your life. I love you all so much.

ETA: I still need to look into airline miles and stuff. I'm going to visit Cali in Seattle in March of next year, and I usually take time off at the end of August/beginning of September around my birthday and I would LOVE to go visit Naoise and Saint M (they live in the same general area), but I don't think I could swing that financially. But who knows. Well, no, I know. I know it won't happen unless I magically get a fairy-godmother who is willing to drop money for a plane ticket in my lap. Lol. So maybe I can save up to visit in 2019. Anyway.


ETA 3: I'm like this close to just saying screw it. Screw the new (to me) car and car payment. Screw saving money. Lemme just slap that credit card down and do it. THE SENSIBLE VIRGO IN ME SAYS NO. *shakes fist at the stars*

ETA 4: Practical me talking down excited me. I hate practical me. Practical me is a killjoy.

ETA 5: B is on board with me going so um, this might happen. Legitimately. I just have to make sure folks can put me because airline tickets I can swing, a motel I can't. Hell, even if they can't get off from work, I've wandered and explored a city by myself before in Seattle. Hmm...
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Fri Jun 02, 2017 10:09 AM
My head has been flirting with getting a migraine on and off for two weeks. Now how much of that is a response to the wreck and how much of it is just me is up for debate. My neck feels jammed, if that makes sense. Like you know how a jammed finger or toe feels? That's what my neck feels like. And I'm under consistent care so...

I have an appointment with my PCP next Friday to talk about how I'm doing on the escitalopram and rizatriptan. I'm doing AWESOME on the Lex, my mindspace is in such a super place. But the escitalopram makes the Maxalt not so effective. Granted, I've had an uptick in migraines and headaches since the wreck, but even before that, the effects of migraine meds are really dull. The first time I took the rizatriptan, I had side effects and my migraine stopped in it's track. To the point that my doctor suggested taking a half dose and then prescribing a 5mg refill instead of a 10mg. Welp. The 10mg is doing almost nothing. I don't feel side effects, I don't feel relief, I have to take a second one for it to kinda sorta work.

My PCP had suggested a daily for migraines, but I didn't think I needed that. I'm thinking I may have been wrong. So now we need to reassess and see what my options are. The mood stabilization has been HUGE, but the migraines need to go. I think I'll check with my sister and see what daily she's on. Our migraines present similarly, with weather and light being huge triggers, and she's loving the new daily she got put on.

Also, insomnia has been sneaking back into my life. And we all know that my insomnia and my mental health are intrinsically tied together. So either my body has adjusted to the Lex and going back to old habits, or I don't know. But I got 4.44 hours of sleep last night. Which, all things considered, isn't bad. But I feel drugged or drunk today. Like I reached for a paper out of a binder and nearly blacked out. Sitting at my desk. If I had blacked out, I would have fallen out of my chair because I was tipping sideways and had to straighten up real quick.

B and I have been doing okay. It's like he does really great and then he can't contain his narcissism and falls back into being an asshole. And the 98% of the time that he's trying, he's great. The 2% of the time he turns into an asshole, I want to file divorce papers. Relationships are hard.

I'm waiting to hear back from Saint M and Naoise if they're gonna be available/around in late September, but I might really get on a plane and go visit this year. Honestly that might help jump start my weightloss again (it's slowed to a plateau which usually means I'm losing inches and then will lose pounds again, but frustrating). I want to look cute in pictures. :)

I've got A&A's 10th Anniversary tonight! I'll post pics of the cake I'm making for them.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Sat Jun 03, 2017 01:18 PM
Be careful what you wish for.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Sat Jun 03, 2017 07:54 PM
Happy Saturday I guess. I woke up with a migraine. I've been in bed for the past few hours. I feel awful. Here's how this started:

Stay up late and clean kitchen from making the anniversary cake for A&A (more on that later when I feel better). Sleep in and wake up with a migraine. Go to deposit insurance check at bank since it's too big for a deposit from my phone. B and I had an arguement about that money yesterday and how it should be applied to our current debt. This is the following account of the morning.
Spoiler: Show
Me: I'm about to go deposit my check. Do you want food since I'll be down by [road]? Also have the cats been fed?

Me: (after calling twice) I will assume the answer to all questions is no.

Me: Also, I was looking for a deposit slip. I don't think we have any? But, did you open your own bank account? At [redacted]? If we're separating our finances, that's fine. But let me know it's a thing we're actually doing and not just discussing. In which case, should I even deposit that check into our account or not?

(I then received this email shortly after, which means he's had it typed up and been sitting on it for a while)

I do think it would be better to go ahead and separate the accounts.

That way you can have your own everything. You can make your own money decisions and you won't have any more manfluence on your money. That will also give you the opportunity to see what bills cost and how much money goes through the account every month.

You will keep the [redacted] bank account. I will open up my own. I will need you to open up your own credit card account and give me the [redacted] card back. I will half the house payment and the utility bills with you. It will be your responsibility to let me know what I owe you for that. I will be taking your name off of the [department store] and [homeimprovement store] accounts. Your credit is very good, you can get your own accounts there if you so desire. I will also need the [toll road tag]. You can get your own if that is something you want. The same for any other shared account we have.

I will take care of my own grocery shopping. We will pay the remaining bills until you get a credit card of your own, then we will pay off the current bills and half whatever is in the bank account.

From there on out, your bills will be your responsibility. Since it has been repeatedly been made clear to me that it is your house and not mine, I will be taking no further responsibility for any repairs or anything else regarding the house. The gentleman who mows the yard's name is [redacted]. He has been paid through the month of June. You can contact him at [redacted] if you wish for him to keep that up. I will let him know that I will no longer be paying him though.


Me: When you get home we can talk in person about all of this.

B: I have been depositing money into our account. Look.

Me: I'm not upset, but I would like to discuss your email in person with you.

Clearly I am upset. I'm upset about the lack of communication. I'm upset that this was done behind my back. I'm upset that instead of this being a positive thing so I'm more involved with our finances and gives him full control over his income and extras, so that the resentment of me using "his" bonus money comes to an end, it became a spiteful, hurtful, manipulative suckerpunch. Basically, we're going to be roommates instead of spouses. I want more transparency and communication. He's using it to absolve himself of any responsibilities. He just lives here and pays rent. That's not what I'm trying to accomplish here.

So I fix some coffee, sit on the couch and watch Sing! It's a cute movie, but I randomly start crying - sobbing - throughout it. I stop. It's raining. B calls. We talk. I explain that I want separate accounts as a way of sharing responsibility. I want to be on the same page as far as goals and projects go, and I can't do that if he's taking full control of our finances. I told that it's not fair to him and frankly it's a disservice to me. For years I've let him deal with all the financials because frankly, my head was not in healthy place to handle it. So I did this to myself. And I'm trying to fix it. I'm not trying to cut him out or take over, I'm trying to take some of the burden and give him some relief.

We hung up. I went to go walk. It was raining when I left, but the storm moved on about half a mile in. I was almost home when I had a migraine? Panic attack? Entoptic phenomenon? Ocular migraine? I don't honestly know what happened. I posted to the migraine and Lexapro communities on Reddit to see if anyone had a similar experience:
Spoiler: Show
Anyway, I woke up this morning with a migraine. The weather has been full of quick high and low pressure changes with storms between them. I've been trying to get a migraine for the past week while this has been going on, so I'm not surprised it finally got there. Got up, took my rizatriptan, had some coffee and breakfast, chilled on the couch and watched a movie.

Decided to go walk after a rainstorm, the breeze was cool and pleasant, the air was warm. I got almost through my 3+ mile route when I stopped. I looked out over the fields (I live in the boonies) and could see the storm that had passed and the lighting strikes. All of a sudden, my vision, I don't know, panned out? Like in sci-fi films before they go into hyperspace, there's that moment where everything on screen widens before the camera pans through. That's not what happened, exactly, but it's like my focus went away and my field of vision widened? And then there was all these small electric looking lines over my field of vision and I could see the shadow of my eyelashes- not my eyelashes themselves, but like the shadow of them on the back wall of my eyeball. I then got real nauseated and the center top of my head immediately hurt intensely. I sat down on the side walk and started hyperventilating and crying and shaking and I was holding my chest and I couldn't catch my breath. I sat there for at least 10 minutes. I made myself get up and go home and I'm lying in bed in the dark right now.

Usually my migraines present without aura and effect above my right eye and right base of my skull and don't throb, they just are constant pain. But they gradually creep up on me. I've never had this happen before. Is it a migraine? A panic attack? A bad mix of medications? I don't know what happened but my head really hurts and I don't feel well.

ETA: my heart is racing. For me. It feels like a trapped bird in cage, like it pounding against my rib cage trying to escape. I'm in bed and my heart rate is 80. Normally when I lay down it drops to the mid-high 50s to low 60s.

I slept for a few hours and have been in bed in the dark since. My head doesn't hurt right now, but I feel lightheaded and dizzy. My heart rate is down to 66. My right eye is bothering me. It's currently closed while I type this on my phone. But I frequently close one eye in the dark because even on the dimmest setting, the phone puts out too much bright light. I think I might get up. Love y'all.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Sun Jun 04, 2017 11:02 AM
I feel better today. Yesterday was not good. At all.

I lay in bed, in the cool, in the dark, for most of the day. I slept some. I got up and B and I watched Sing! as while I had watched it that morning, he hadn't seen it and frankly I cried through most of it so... But the light was almost too much with sunglasses. Watching in a dark, cool room with sunglasses made it tolerable. I didn't have a visceral pain reaction to the light. I was so light sensitive that even texting on my phone with Saint M (she was checking in on me) was too much light. And I had the brightness all the way down and the warmth of the night setting was bumped up. It just physically hurt me. The iPhone needs a dark setting like now. Any app that can be made nighttime or dark already is. But the OS needs a dark setting. Just in general, because white screens trigger me anyway. All my computers have f.lux installed and set on darkroom so that I don't get migraines at work.

Yesterday's episode was overwhelming. I don't know if it was just a perfect storm of personal anxiety, pressure fronts, light, and hormones (my period started today) that triggered it, but that shit was scary. I'm definitely glad that I have an appointment on Friday.

Oh and look at my sleep last night. Despite getting 8 hrs (which as you can tell is unusual), it was bad sleep. I feel exhausted today. I've also got a postdrome headache that is flirting with my normal migraine spot. I have one Rizatriptan left, and I'm debating whether I should just take it and hope the rest of the week is okay. Oh! Also, my tinnitus has been turned up to 11 the past 24 hours. It's going right now. High pitched static.

Pretty sure I would have been drowned for being a witch back in the Salem Witch trial days. I guarantee most of those witches suffered from chronic migraines, or other neurological issues. Side note, drowning is my one legitimate fear. Of all the ways to die, drowning to death scares me the most.

Okay y'all. Happy Sunday.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By ChristinePremium member
On Sun Jun 04, 2017 12:31 PM
Hugs.... that's all..... no, wait.... And prayers. And a heartfelt wish that things get better.

Not to fan the fire.... but right now it sound like your life SUCKS!

I am so, so, sorry.


Keep On Dancing*
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Sun Jun 04, 2017 04:32 PM
Mark the tape. Today marks the day my marriage began it's slow, painful end.

We are separating all accounts.

Sooo. Yeah.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Mon Jun 05, 2017 07:33 AM
My head is killing me. I'm running late to work. And the dynamics between me and B is bizarre at best.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Wicked_Elphabamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jun 05, 2017 09:15 AM
Sumayah wrote:

Mark the tape. Today marks the day my marriage began it's slow, painful end.

We are separating all accounts.

Sooo. Yeah.

I'm so sorry. :'( Please text me or call if you want to talk.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Mon Jun 05, 2017 10:34 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-06-05 14:33:44
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-06-05 14:34:36
It's been a long time coming. This has been building for years and if you've been reading along since the beginning, you know I'm speaking the truth. That doesn't include the Anon posts I've made, some I've identified myself in and others I hoped no one could guess it was me. We've had serious problems for quite a while.

I think a lot of this could have been worked through a resolved if I had started on antidepressants years ago. A decade ago. It's a sort of too little, too late, you know? But hindsight, hey?

It doesn't mean we aren't still trying, we are, it's just... I'm pretty sure he and I both see the inevitable lurking in the future. And he's right, completely separating all bills will definitely make it easier if we decide to part ways. I'm hoping it has the effect of helping, not hindering, but it's a roll of the dice at this point. He is being more reasonable than his email initially presented, but what's said is said. So I'm hopeful that we can work through this and move forward, but I'm not optimistic we can.

We're also going about like nothing's wrong. He called last night as he was getting done with work, "hey babe, I'm stopping to grab food, do you want anything?" We watched a movie together. On the surface, in the day to day, it's like normal life. But we both know there's more at stake. We both know that our goals are at odds. We both know this has run its course, but there's a comfortable familiarity there. And it's useless being in a state of agitation, but it's just this false ease and it's weird.

I just, I don't know. I don't know.

ETA: My eyes feel tired like I've been crying. I haven't been. Not since the Saturday thing. But I have this massive headache that won't go away and I'm exhausted despite sleeping the entire weekend.
Spoiler: Show
Me: Okay, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to deposit the check and apply $6100 to my car. That will leave 2500 for the bed. Then when the Carmax payment gets here the 3100 can be added to the 2500 so it gets paid off. Sound reasonable?

B: Whatevs.

Me: The bed is getting paid off like you wanted? Since I'm going to be at the bank anyway, it seemed to make more sense to do this first and then you can transfer the rest for the bed when that check gets here. Which should be soon. I'll be able to deposit it from phone.

B: That is what I wanted, but we had to fight and argue and go through way more than was needed to get there. It was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back and put me into action on getting my own bank account.

B: I have earned more trust and respect in regards to our finances. So no. Things are not okay.

Me: I didn't ask that. I know things aren't okay. I'm communicating and compromising with you.

Me: The bed benefits us both, we both should pay on it. The rest is going to the car because that's my screwup. And it will lower the payments asap.

Me: I'm trying here. I'm trying to find ground with you. But if that doesn't matter then why go through this in the first place? If you're going to hold my every mistake, every misspoken word said in anger, every fallacy I've ever commuted over my head, why go through the charade of even trying to fix our relationship? I'm freaking trying right now. I'm going out of my way to try to understand and get onboard. I'm trying to not just walk away and be done. So should I bother? Are you going to accept the steps I'm trying to make or are you just going to keep throwing everything back in my face?

Me: I get that I'm working backwards right now and it's probably too little too late, but I'm trying.

B: I am allowed to be frustrated.

Me: Yes you are.

I'm tired you guys. I'm so tired. My head hurts. I'm so, so tired.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By hummingbird
On Tue Jun 06, 2017 08:55 AM
I'm not sure where to start with the list of I'm sorry's and I'm sorry seems to be such a meaningless word when you look at what you're coping with but I'm sorry that you're having such a shitty time at the moment.

Is there anywhere you can go even just for a day to get out of what can only be described as an incredibly intense atmosphere? I think you need a bit of space to let the dust settle.

re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Tue Jun 06, 2017 11:03 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-06-06 11:10:32
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-06-06 11:23:33
Do me a real quick favor? Google how effective Microsoft security essentials are as an antivirus/malware protection. I'll wait.

Yeah. So, I have both AVG and Malwarebytes installed on both my home computer and my work station computer. They updated the chiropractic software and suddenly, it's the fact that AVG and Malwarebytes and Firefox are installed that causing the problem. So I'm getting blamed for using a different browser and for actually protecting the computer from online junk. But no, it's totes my fault.

Because I SUPER need that sort of vitriol directed at me right now. Whatever. I don't care. I' can't do anything right now for work because I don't have my desk space or access to my files. So whatever man. I'm done.

ETA: and because I'm standing in the back and not at the desk I just ripped the seam out of my blouse on the doorknob.

ETA2: Also, I still have a headache and it's boring a hole through my eye and into my brain and I really want to smash my face in with a hammer because I think that might hurt less.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Tue Jun 06, 2017 10:48 PM
So me and Saint M made it through a 30 day Pilates based ab challenge (picture 1). Now we're doing the second picture. I think I'm going to actually die. Anyone wanna join in the pain? As I told my students tonight in class, if you don't push yourself, you don't improve. So let's go. Who up to die in pain with me?
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Wed Jun 07, 2017 08:09 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-06-07 09:57:34
Pretty my body temperature is super low. I feel feverish. But I'm not feverish. My head still hurts. And I just want to find a small corner somewhere and curl up and cry. And maybe vomit. I'm so. nauseated. I bought coffee and I have drunk any yet because I'm worried. I even got actual cream to help. I got a Coke yesterday and that helped a little. I just feel pretty awful.

Sorry to be such a downer. Trying not to give into negative self talk. Not as easy as you'd think.

I don't know how much longer I can keep going when my head hurts this badly. My doctor's appointment is Friday, but Andraste help me if I still have this headache. I'm right at the bang my head into a wall until I pass out phase of this.

I'm so tired you guys.

Love to you all.

"Worse things have happened to better people."

ETA: Hey self worth, where did you go? Because I feel useless, worthless, and a burden to everyone I know. I want to reach out to friends because I feel so helpless and my head hurts so much, but I also know everyone is sick of hearing from me. And I both don't want to burden my friends with my problems and/or alienate my friends because I'm always talking about myself and my problems. Everyone has problems. People have way more severe problems than I have. I just feel... desperate? I'm at the end of my rope and weighing the cost of holding on verses free falling is start to tip.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Fri Jun 09, 2017 12:13 AM
Today was a much better day.

I still have a headache, but oh well. But I got some rest. I started the new challenge yesterday and I actually feel pretty good today. I just thought I'd drop that here and say life isn't as awful as the earlier parts of the week were.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Fri Jun 09, 2017 08:24 AM
So today my head feels like death. I am really glad my doctor's appointment is today.

I feel really good on the Lexapro. But the uptick in migraines is really not good. And before they'd last 48-72 hours, the last 2 I've had have lasted well over 100 hrs. And instead of being pretty constant pain, but predictable, now they waver between debilitating and mild. My sister used to take Topamax but switched over to Elavil (which Saint M is also taking). I know a side effect of Elavil is antidepressant, but given how good my headspace is on the Lexapro, I'm loathe to change antidepressants. I feel like I'm just starting to make headway (pun intended). So I'm going to ask about Topamax, I did a cursory search and it doesn't have major drug interactions with Lexapro (like scary ones, it has interactions, but not scary ones), and my sister was on it for several years with decent results. She only recently switched over to the Elavil.

I'm also going to bring up how completely ineffective the Maxalt became once I was on Lexapro. I like the idea of a rescue med, but it needs to be - rescue med that you know, works.

This isn't a migraine today. This is just a really bad headache. But my neck is getting tight and I'm pretty sure it's trying to become a migraine. My coffee tastes bad today. Sickly sweet. This isn't my year.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Mon Jun 12, 2017 10:05 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-06-12 11:26:33 Gotta add more than pictures of cake!
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-06-12 11:27:34 I'm so excited I can't fomat
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-06-12 11:28:04 forward slash suma, not backslash
Okay! I'm feeling pretty good today. Here's the pictures (finally) of A&A's 10th Anniversary Vow Renewal Cake. It's a 3 layer white velvet butter cake with peach puree and lemon buttercream icing, with baked peaches for the rose decorations. I stewed and pureed the peaches and then put them through a blender and spread a thin layer over the cake layers. Then I spread a good layer of the lemon buttercream (which was a real buttercream - like boil the sugar and lemon juice to make simple syrup and whisk into the eggs buttercream) between the layers and covered the cake. Meanwhile, I had used a mandolin to slice peaches thin and I put them in a liner in a cupcake tin to make a rose, and baked them. Those went on top of the cake with some pearl sprinkles. The cake was delicious!!

Oh and fun fact, I don't like carrot cake. I should. I like the flavor profiles. I don't like the texture. I also don't like tres leche for the same reason. Anyway.

Uhm, hey, so. I sorta bought plane tickets to visit Naoise and Saint M. I'll be flying up at the end of September and flying back 5 days later at the beginning of October. My boss will coincidentally be out of town, which means the office will be slow, so it's a good time to take off. AND I'M SO NERVOUS EXCITED BESIDE MYSELF WITH GLEE CAN'T STOP SMILING EXCITED I'M SUCH A BAD FLYER EXCITED I'M GOING TO MEET THEM IN REAL LIFE AND I'M GETTING ON A PLANE AND DID I SAY I AM EXCITED!?

Future destinations: Seattle for ECCC in March to see Cali, Atlanta to visit PinUp and Mr. PinUp (I know you're having a year so we'll let that all settle before I come say hi), Finland to visit Puss_In_Boots, and Australia to visit Oz_Helen and Odessa. Yes. These plans will happen! Meanwhile if anyone wants to come drop in and say hi, shoot me a text or a pm and we'll make some plans. But like give me notice, if you show up in Austin all heyyyyyyy can I stay with you the answer might be no depending on whether B is in a mood. (That actually happened. I felt so bad too. Like, I pride myself on having an open door to any of my friends and a friend happened to be in town and she ended up staying longer than expected and asked if she could crash at my place on the couch for the night and like shower. My answer would have been hell yes, come over, but B was being SUCH an asshole and was all no. I don't want people in the house, I've had a bad day, I just want quiet. Which is totally fair, but lousy at the same time. And I felt so bad for my friend, and I felt like a super lousy friend. Anyways.)

So yeah.

Oh. Migraine update.

Okay, so my doctor is keeping me on the Lex (yay) and added in topiramate. I'm starting at 25mg and increasing by 25mg each week until I hit 100mg. I also have an NSAID painkiller in addition to the rizatriptan abortive. Now when I say an NSAID painkiller, what I mean is if ibuprofen is Neil DeGrasse Tyson, then ketorolac (what I'm prescribed) is Bruce Banner post gamma radiation blast. I'm only given a five day supply because you cannot take it longer than five days and you MUST take with food if you value your stomach lining. So yeahhhhh. But I'm excited about the topiramate. My sister took it and did really great on it. I'm looking forward to feeling better!

So yay!!!!!! :D
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Wicked_Elphabamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jun 13, 2017 10:39 PM
You need to come to Chicago! :D
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Wed Jun 14, 2017 08:33 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-06-14 08:40:24
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-06-14 08:41:21 tired typing troubled trials
You are added to the list! Just, in the summer. I don't own a proper coat to risk any sort of winter weather. XD

I have discovered that September in Pittsburgh is basically December in Austin. So that's easy to pack for. I still can't believe I'm doing this. I'm so excited.

I want to lose two more pant sizes before then, which would make me feel awesome. I feel really good. I'm on the second week of this challenge and I'm up to two reps. I did that last night with my dancers and I about died. I persisted though. And I was wearing that tee-shirt. Adorable political message and workout motivation!

I've officially hit zombieland with the topiramate. I'm gonna call it tops. I start 50mg of the tops on Friday and I think I am going to be the most tired ever. My sister warned me that if you don't get enough sleep you feel weird, and right now, on 4.5 hrs of sleep, she speaks the truth. I am a sleepy puppy and my brain is firing at marshmallow gun speed. And I was getting these weird light flashes in my peripheral vision when I was walking last night.


I love you beautiful people!
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Thu Jun 15, 2017 11:37 AM

Sleep was the missing key in the why-I'm-so-exhausted conundrum over the past two day. Now, I know what you're thinking, wouldn't that be the most obvious answer? Yeah, well, you could make a good case for that. But I'm pretty tired today despite getting some really solid sleep last night. I went to bed and crashed out hard and slept a good 7 hours.

I'm going to get my two sets of workout in tonight after tap since there's a break and see if any of my dancers want to join me. Given I had chips and nachos and creamy jalapeno dip and a strawberry Mexican martini yesterday, I could use the youthful motivation.

Oh so my period started last week, finished up on Tuesday and yesterday was all PSYCH! AAAA nd it's back. Or it never left? All I know is I'm bleeding again and I don't like it. Lame tacos.

Anyway. Later beautiful!
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Fri Jun 16, 2017 01:30 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-06-16 01:37:21 The letter v should not exist next to the letter c
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-06-16 09:23:21 sleep deprivation is rough on spelling and getting concepts across you guys
It's 1am and I'm not asleep, so it seems like a great time for a Sexual State of the Union, where Suma espouses on her relationships, sexuality, sex life, and miscellaneous tmi that you probably just want to skip.


So, I was chatting today with a friend who is going through a similar situation with their SO. They have a similar dynamic of it's-not-bad-exactly-but-it's-not-good-either-but-is-it-worth-breaking-up-over-because-there-is-significant-time-invested-but-does-that-matter-if-neither-is-happy that B and I have going on. It sucks. There's no right or wrong answer here.

So, we had our reveal for the dance company. The theme of the year is True North. What does that mean? Well, what is your true north? Who is it? Where is it? How do you get there? Do you go alone? Do you take one person? Assorted people? Various people off and on between stretches by yourself along the way? I had run across this song a few year ago and it's been speaking to me. Especially now. So I'm setting a dance to it. But it aptly describes the condrum I - we, my friend included - face:

I never thought The Clash could sound mournful, but there you go. For me, it directly relates to my marriage. For the teens I'm going to set choreography on, I'm going to break it down a little more appropriately for them. Give it a purpose and reason for it to feel meaningful in their lives. More along the lines of friendships and decisions. But yeah. Should I stay or should I go?

B and I are trying. But as I told my friend, it feels futile. We are being extremely communicative, which is very good. We are being way more vocal, in a positive manner, about the things we want and need in our relationship. For instance, B requested more oral. That's the first time we've had that conversation like adults when we weren't naked already. That's pretty big step forward... but again, too little, too late?

I agreed to do more for him. I sent him the article from Teen Vogue on masturbation and showed him where my clitoris was and how much pressure felt good because he's so bad at clitoral stimulation. I feel actually really terrible for all his former girlfriends. And myself. The fact that it's taken 14 years of marriage and the threat of divorce for us both to be like, oh by the you suck at sex, maybe try it this way? shows just how out of touch (ha! literally) we've been with each other.

We are having more regular sex. Hell, I've been super horny lately. Despite a side effect of the Lex being "you're never going to orgasm or want to have sex again congratulations you are now asexual" my brain is all like "I feel good. I feel really good. I would like to get laid." And my vagina has interpreted that to mean "Let's have tons of sex. Sex with everything. All the peoples. She's pretty. He's hot. Let's go get naked with all the people and have lots of sex." Meanwhile my brain is going "Whoa whoa whoa slow down there. You're kinda in a committed relationship. A monogamous relationship. Wait til you get home then jump B's bones and/or pull out the Rabbit and get yourself off. You cannot have sex with all the peoples." Then my vagina retorts "Technically B has stipulated no boys, but he's fine with girls and you're fine with girls so what are we waiting for?" So I'm basically ready to go and squishy like all the time now. Which is weird. Considering it used to be like driving down I-10 and now it's a Florida swamp, it's a bit of a difference. And despite my vaginas assertions, I'm not exactly out looking for a girlfriend. Which brings us to...


I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual. I'm pretty sure I've been bi for a long time. I'm pretty sure I may be way more into girls than I'm willing to admit. And I'm not entirely sure that outside of the private space of my public diary, public Twitter, and my closest friends that I'm willing to own it. Despite the fact that anytime anyone tries to vilify nonhetero behavior I'm quick to normalize it. That happened tonight actually. Negative comment about some guy sending another guy a text about how he wanted to have a threesome with the dude and his girlfriend and I immediately said, if he's also into guys that's fine. What consenting people do isn't a big deal. I get the feeling the guy was trying to taunt the other guy as an insult, the whole using homosexuality as an insult, but I pretty much deflated the story by being like, well, that's cool if he's into that.

So why do I suddenly have this revelation? Well, honestly, it's not exactly a huge revelation, you know?

So, when I was little I hated being teased. Passionately. To an extremist extent. So when my sister teased me about having a crush on a little boy in kindergarten or 1st grade, I vehemently denied it. Declared I didn't like boys at all. Stated that I was never getting married. Couple that with an extremely intolerant and heteronormative, patriarchal religion I grew up in, I also didn't really have friends who were girls because I was so under thumb of who I was allowed to talk to and I was the weird girl. I liked the cool girls, I wanted their attention, the ones who weren't the shopping-and-boys-and-pop-music obsessed girls, the ones who dyed their hair pink and listened to grunge. The ones who went to Lillith Fair and listened to Ani Difranco and wore grommets on their clothes.

But since I couldn't hang with boys because I'd get teased and I couldn't hang with the girls because they weren't Christian enough, I hung out with myself. It all had enough impact enough that my grandmother actually asked if I was a lesbian. Hmm. She may have been more insightful than she knew.

I didn't know how to relate to guys. I got along better with girls. Well, I got along better with the internet. But that's neither here now there. I liked looking at girls, I thought girls were pretty. Like pretty not just pretty, you know? Like soft curving breasts and slim waists and the small of the back right above the butt. Sexy. Smooth lines of the thigh and the pretty, upturned lips of lipstick covered smiles. Girls have a certain touch, a lightness and warmth. But I'm definitely into guys too. And not just because I married one. I had guy crushes too. I remember being in church (this was the only good thing about church) and seeing the way the jacket pulled across the broad shoulders of my crush, the clean cut boy-next-door appearance, strong arms and athletic legs. Hott. Adam's apple bobbing and five o'clock shadow. I'm there for that too.

I agree with Saint M on this point, if you're getting along with someone, and things are going well, if it would be better naked, then sex is on. It seems silly to limit sexuality and sexual expression to a single gender when all the genders represent such attractive desire. Women are hot. Men are hot. Presently, I want to have loads of sex with all of them. I won't because that's a can of worms I'm not sure I'm ready to open but the desire is there. I still think that for me to get with a woman, she would have to make the first move. I wouldn't be brave enough to initiate something. Unless I was drunk. Really drunk. And the odds of me being with someone I want to kiss and touch and get naked with while being drunk are extremely low in Austin. I like my friends, but I'm not attracted to any of them like that. I have wondered if A might be maybe? maybe not? interested in me, I think she's bi or poly, I do know she swings. But if she's wanted to try anything she's either bad at flirting or I'm bad at picking up signals (or both). She's also not really my type (I do definitely have a type), but it's an interesting -academic- thought.

But anyway, it's 2:30am and I should try to sleep. Tomorrow will be a good day though. I'm actually really looking forward to it! More on my exciting Friday later. Love y'all!
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Wicked_Elphabamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jun 16, 2017 02:58 PM
Nothing wrong with being bi. I am. I came out of the closet last year and it was amazing to get that off my shoulders. What can I say? I kissed a girl and I liked it! ;)
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah
On Mon Jun 19, 2017 04:14 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-06-19 05:56:35
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-06-19 06:00:51 Emoji trouble
@EMT - I actually think that's really awesome. I remember when you came out, I'm not sure I said anything, depression man, it hit me hard. I sort of zoned out completely from everyone. But I remember smiling when I read it, which given my mental state at the time was a HUGE positive response. And since I don't feel like death now: 🌈💙💜❤️🏳️‍🌈🎉

Sumayah wrote:

I still think that for me to get with a woman, she would have to make the first move. I wouldn't be brave enough to initiate something. Unless I was drunk. Really drunk. And the odds of me being with someone I want to kiss and touch and get naked with while being drunk are extremely low in Austin. I like my friends, but I'm not attracted to any of them like that.

I feel like that needs explanation. I don't know why, but I do. Like, I'm not seeking out a romantic relationship with anyone. Of either sex. At all. I'm curious. Definitely. And B isn't opposed to me experimenting with women. But I'm also not going to download Tindr or join an online dating site. And I'm not into the bars and clubs scene. That's what I mean by it's doubtful this will happen here.

But let me put a caveat in that. It doubtful it's going to happen anywhere. "But aren't you flying up to visit Saint M? Don't you have a huge girl crush on her!? Why not hook up with her?" Because she's literally one of my best friends. And she's in a committed relationship. And because she's my friend, I love her with my whole heart and wouldn't ever want to screw things up in her life. We're officially on the 'let me send you a tmi shot of this weird place on my boob' level of friends where it's anything but sexy. Her friendship means the world to me. If she wanted to make it a friends with benefits relationship that's entirely up to her - and I don't expect her to go there. My complete expectations for the trip are as follows: talk about and/or watch each other play parts of Dragon Age, talk about Tanis (or more likely The Black Tapes final season), stay up talking and giggling until we're either too tired and/or too drunk to stay awake, put ourselves to bed, sleep, wake up, drink coffee, explore the city, rinse, repeat, add in Naoise. AND IT'S GOING TO BE AWESOME!!!!! I'm seriously so excited to just go get on a plane and go somewhere. Even if I'm having the exact conversation in person that we have via text, it's going to be the best time ever.

So yeah. I'm not sure why I needed to clarify that. But... anyway.

Oh my gosh. The jesus thread. I'm having SO MUCH FUN in that thread. To my friends who are religious, I realize that I'm being a bit, erm, blasphemous? at times, and I do offer you my sincere apologies if I offended. However that said, none of y'all started a new account to preach the word of god nor do you regularly post sermons so, we're good. 💛 Whatever your faith, i respect your right to practice and worship.

Okay. I gotta get SOME sleep. I'm out.
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