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re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Mon Jun 19, 2017 01:55 PM
This is Sir Pounce-A-Lot.

Sir Pounce-A-Lot Logan Whitepaws

B calls him Logan. He's wrong. That's no Wolverine kitty. So I've been calling him Sir Pounce-A-Lot. Sir Pouncy or Pally for short. He's two months old and precious!

Mayuri and he are going to be fast friends when he gets bigger. They already play, she just plays a little rough yet. But yeah, she grooms him and he engages her in play and she plays with him (she's just over a year old). So they're going to be a really good twosome.

Anyway, thought I'd introduce y'all to the newest member of my family.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By hummingbird Comments: 10435, member since Mon Apr 18, 2005
On Tue Jun 20, 2017 10:53 AM
Awww, Sir Pounce a Lot, the Feline Paladin :) He's cute!
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Wed Jun 21, 2017 09:40 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-06-21 09:48:49
I'm trying not to get to attached as sad as that sounds. My immediate first thought was "He got a playmate for Mayuri so when he leaves, he'll take both the younger cats, and I'll keep the two dogs and Shadow." So if you're wondering how our relationship is going, it's, um, it's a manual transmission car without the emergency brake on. It might be fine, or it might start rolling and gaining momentum and crash and explode because that's what cars do right?

Image hotlink - 'https://uproxx.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/explosion.jpg?quality=100&w=650'
The future of my marriage.

It's everybody's favorite time when we read texts from Suma. In which we see that she's easily manipulated and prone to making mistakes.
Spoiler: Show
B: What's with the [credit card payment] withdrawal?

Me: I told you about that. That's the airline miles credit card I opened. I'm using it instead of the [other credit card] for the next 3 months on my purchases so I can get the initial miles, then it'l' be my gas and lunch card so I can better keep track of spending.

B: Okay. Relax. I just need to know. Making sure.

****Okay, gonna interject something here. IF I HAD BEEN SMART, I WOULD HAVE SHOUT MY MOUTH AND LEFT IT THERE, BUT NOOOOOOO. BECAUSE WE LITERALLY HAD THIS CONVERSATION AND HIS OBSESSION ABOUT MONEY PUSHES MY BUTTONS.****

Me: I know. I'm explaining.

B: Those are important future white kitten funds you are using right now. ;)

Me: There will be purchases in the forefront but they'll tape off after the first three months. Or until I hit $1000, whichever comes first. But I have billing set up to notify me weekly, so I might end up paying my balance weekly too, just to keep it at $0.

B: *side eye emoji*

Me: I'm being responsible. :P I don't intend on spending more that $350/month. Stuff that would have gone on the [other credit card] anyway.

Me: ANYWAY. The important take away from this conversation is NO WHITE KITTENS. XD

B: We get rewards credit on the [other credit card] for those purchases. You skipped the grocery store Friday to go play at the library.

B: And you didn't get any cleaning done this weekend. Not cool.

Me: And you brought home a kitten.

B: Not a good excuse for Friday. Not a good excuse for not cleaning. Not going to be okay with that any more. You are not working full time. You need to get that done. Period.

B: You want to travel. You need to help pay for it. 30 hours a week only isn't going to cut it. I will not enable this bull anymore.

Me: Okay, so lemme get this straight. You told me to get my own credit card, I did. You told me *not* to get my own bank accoun, I didn't. So now that I'm making purchases on a card that doesn't benefit you, you're having a fit?

B: No.

Me: I told you flat out that my plan for the weekend was to clean. I told you I'd be completely derailed if we added a kitten. Kitten was added, I was derailed.

B: You told me that is I was working more that you would be taking care of the house. And you are not. You just a new phone, newer car. No cleaning at all beacause of a kitten? Really?

Me: I told you what I needed. I told you what would happen. I adore the kitten. But, I did get thoroughly distracted by the events of the weekend.

B: The rewards on the [other credit card] benefit us both, not just me. I HATE that kind of thinking. I have also made myself clear that I expected you to shake the tree for some extra cash. Find some petsitting, dog walking, get on Next Door. And you haven't. You bought plane tickets though. And no cleaning.

B: I have a right to be upset.

B: I am also clueless as to why you cannot understand where I am coming from. Which is why I wanted to separate accounts and let you manage your own finances for a while.

Me: Which is what I thought we were doing? That's why you've been leaving me bills and why I opened the credit card up in the first place. I had been sitting on that offer, and ate that last discussion, I went ahead and made it happen.

Me: That's why I was going to open a separate bank account and leave [bank] as the joint bill pay account. That way my credit got paid by my paycheck and you didn't feel like you were paying for it.

B: That is not what I told you I wanted and you know it. You opened that for airline miles.

Me: I had had that offer fr a while and hadn't done it. We had the long discussion, we talked about splitting the accounts, you said I should, I did.

B: Which benefits only you I might add.

Me: That card, yes. Because if we were splitting account and I was being removed (have been removed?) from [department] and [home improvement], etc, then yeah, I wanted a card that benefited my future plans.

B: I didn't actually do any of that yet. I was not on board with the joint account plan. You know this. If we are going to do that, you truly need to be responsible for your own finances.

Me: You said that you didn't want a joint account. I didn't open a separate account. I already said that.

B: But my patience is running out. Keep avoiding your responsibilities and I will find somewhere else to go. We will get divorced. I have had enough carrying us while you run away.

B: Look. You want to game, do stuff with friends all the time, travel, do dance and all these other things. They are expensive. You can't reasonably expect to afford to do all this working 30 hours a week. I do not think it is unreasonable to expect you to work a full 40 hour work week. Particularly if you are doing all of this other stuff.

B: I will not pay for all of this stuff anymore while you run out and be irresponsible. I won't do it. Things need to change right now.

B: I am emotionally drained from too many years of this. Please figure it out. Either get it together or I will be gone by the end of July.

Now, my answer should have been:
Image hotlink - 'https://i.giphy.com/media/11QJgcchgwskq4/giphy.webp'

Unfortunately, because I'm trying not to sabotage this, because I do love him, despite the fact that he's a giant manipulative, narcissistic asshole with some sort approval/Oedipus complex who would be happy being the house husband of a 55+ yr old rich, childless white woman who is content to let him clean house, sleep with her, and play video games, I didn't. AND LOVE COMPLICATES THINGS DAMMIT. If I didn't love him, I'd be gone. Would have been gone. But I'm trying to make it work, because I'm not sure cutting my losses is the right decision. But shit like that? That's some petty manipulation.

And I fell for it.

And I could kick myself.

My friend who is going through a similar situation with their SO is up against a similar wall. The answer seems so obvious. But love complicates things. It makes it messy. I KNOW that B would be happier with someone who shared his goals. I don't make him happy. He may love me, but I don't make him happy and he sure as hell doesn't make me happy. I told K, our relation is 98% fine and 2% awful. And she responded, wait, no, those numbers can't be right if you're looking at possibly getting divorced. And I told her that the 98% is feathers, but the 2%, that 2% is made of lead and it's heavier to bear.

There's also still this weird dichotomy of things being "normal" but us both knowing things aren't fine. I don't know.
I think I'm ready to cut my losses. I begrudgingly made the Next Door account because I don't want to be accused of not trying and doing everything I could, especially when it was something as simple as joining a website. But still, the bottom line came down to, he made a threat, I acquiesced. Which means I got played hardcore. *sigh*

Guyyyy s. WHAT DO I DO?
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6850, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Wed Jun 28, 2017 08:15 PM
I've been resisting comment....

I love you and don't want to say the wrong thing....

In the past, I've been BLASTED for saying this....

BUT

Marriage is H A R D....

I have you in my thoughts, my heart, and my prayers.

Hope things are finding their way to a better place.

Hugs to you and yours... xoxoxo

Keep On Dancing*
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 11335, member since Sun Nov 23, 2003
On Thu Jun 29, 2017 08:27 AM
I completely disagree.

There can be difficult moments, of course, but on a day to day basis, a healthy marriage is not "hard". I feel like the "marriage is hard" line is fed to us because of patriarchal bullcrap. It absolves the other party of accountability, since women are much more likely to try to keep the marriage together and internalize things as their fault.

When one person won't take responsibility for their actions, and they're both actively loathing each other, marriage is not hard, it's hell. Sometimes separating is the most loving thing for both partners involved.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces (karma: 1)
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Fri Jun 30, 2017 11:00 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-06-30 11:58:59
Before I address the mess of my life, I've decided that I need to find a way to fund Sumayah's Halfway Home for Troubled Teenage Gamer Girls (and anyone who isn't a cisgendered male).

So on Twitter, some long time ago I had gotten a random follow from this girl, I checked her bio, some gamer kid. Whatever, I followed her back. She's a good kid. She plays video games and wants to be in the game design industry. She just graduated high school and is starting college in the fall, getting her AA in computer art. She's a bit heavy set and her comments allude to a bit of a low self-esteem, so whenever I see she's posted a picture I always try to say something complimentary and up-building. I mean, I've been there, it's hard when you don't feel good in your skin to post a picture and get crickets in return. So I purposely make a point to like and say something complimentary. It's hard being a teenager, I work with them, and small compliments go a long way.

And while she hasn't explicitly said so, but I strongly get the feeling she's either a lesbian or bi based on the things she posts and likes (reading between the lines a little, but also I've been following her for a few years now so...). She's has trouble with relationships, being super nervous about approaching her crush and eventually just not doing it. Occasionally if I see her giving into negative self-speak, I'll go in and tell her that, yeah, it sucks right now, but it does get better. She also doesn't seem to have many (if any) really close friends. She has friends, but none that she seems to really confide in. She has a much younger sister and feels neglected/unloved by her parents. She's at that age where things are coming to a head at home and tensions are high.

But all that aside, I really don't interact a ton with her. Maybe a half a dozen to a dozen interactions over the years in the tens of thousands of tweets I've made? She retweets a lot of the tweets I retweet but... yeah.

So last night, I'm in this ridiculous tweet thread with friends and I notice I have an inbox message. I click over and it's a message from this same sweet girl:
Spoiler: Show

Twitter Girl: I feel so stuck. I need out of my house. I constantly feel like I just need to go kill myself when I'm here but I have nowhere to go if I leave. My options are to either be miserable or be homeless. And I'm sorry for randomly messaging you I have no one to talk to.

Me: I'm absolutely here for you. No need to apologize!

TG: Thank you. I really need someone in my corner riht now. My dad is shunning me and my mom threatened to kick me out when I'm 18 again. And I'm constantly reminded of just how much more my parents love my sister than they ever loved me.

We talked for a while. I told her that basically she's at that weird point where kids are suddenly expected to be adults, with all the maturity and knowledge of how to handle situations, but without the resources or tools or experience. And then since she's living at home, she also gets hit with the reverse where her parents expect her to be an adult, except when it's convenient for them to pull the my house, my rules, I'm the parent you're the child line. And that it's frustrating and infuriating and that her parents (like all parents of teenagers who pull that) are in fact being assholes and unreasonable. You can't expect your child to pay rent and bills and then ground them for being an hour past curfew. I told her my experience of shouting matches with my mom at that age, and I was a quiet, good kid who didn't get into trouble.

I gave her some advice on being able to plan leave. I told her to look at her bills and write down realistically what she would need to make to cover her bills with a roommate. How much would rent, phone, utilities, etc cost. Start planning now. Put those as goals and start working towards them slowly. I told her it took me about two years before I could afford to move out and in the meantime I spent my free time in any space that wasn't the mall I could - library, park, coffee shop, friends. I also told her that if I, a stranger on the internet cared about her well being, I'm positive there were people in he immediate life who also cared. I also got her in contact with a couple gaming friends in the industry who might be able to give her some community and advice. By the time we were done talking, you could tell she felt better.

It breaks my heart that she clearly feels so alone and desperate that she turned to me, a random on the internet, for advice. In the same breath, I am SO GRATEFUL she turned to me for advice and didn't just suffer with her thoughts alone. But it seriously speaks to a need.

I've had my share of pity parties on here where I've felt like such a one sided friend. Where I feel like all I do is talk about me and my problems. It seems the universe has said, hey Suma, your headspace is better yeah? It's time babe. Unfortunately for my friends, that means that they're dealing with their own crises but I am similarly grateful that we have a relationship where they know they can talk to me, say whatever. I adore my friends and my heart hurts for them. Just know I love you. You're amazing. You are sincerely the best of people. My whole heart to you. <3

******

OOOO kay.

I've put this off.

There is merit to both arguments. Marriage is hard. Which is why deciding to stay or go is literally the hardest decision I've ever made in my entire life. I'm decisive. I met and married B within 6 months. I bought my car in 2 days of seeing it online. I bought plane tickets to fly to a city and meet people I've only talked to online on a whim. I make big decisions quickly and with conviction and I don't look back. And they work out. That's who I am.

Right now I am living on waffle island.

Here's the thing. We are working on it. We're trying to communicate more. Our sex life is more frequent and definitely much better. It's hard to assert that you're important in a sexual relationship when you don't feel like you have much worth. Change the brainspace and yeah. I actually took his hand and was like let me introduce you to my clitoris. And he learned and then later, remembered. So there is genuine effort. But the underhanded threats? Ooooooh that... no. That's not okay. Ever. At all. Period. That is a deal breaker. But I'm so sucked into his mind games that I don't see it while it's happening because it's under the guise of trying to work things out. So that's where we stand. We're a house on fire and we're filling buckets with water but it may be too late. I don't know.
this old woman has SO much advice she wish she could convey to you (karma: 1)
By smileywomanmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 11032, member since Sat Sep 17, 2005
On Sat Jul 01, 2017 06:04 PM
I don't know if you remember me, and I completely/randomly fell into your diary after a gazillion years of not posting on Dance.net I have read a few of your posts and I just want to give you insight from 57 year old smileywoman who spent 12 years married to her first husband and has been (happily) with my 2nd marriage to Dan aka smileywoman for more than 15 years.

...because I'm trying not to sabotage this, because I do love him, despite the fact that he's a giant manipulative, narcissistic asshole with some sort approval/Oedipus complex who would be happy being the house husband of a 55+ yr old rich, childless white woman who is content to let him clean house, sleep with her, and play video games, I didn't. AND LOVE COMPLICATES THINGS DAMMIT. If I didn't love him, I'd be gone. Would have been gone. But I'm trying to make it work, because I'm not sure cutting my losses is the right decision. But shit like that? That's some petty manipulation.


It sounds like B has a LOT of baggage and insecurities. I know from experience that love is not enough. Ultimately, I have learned that you need to look at the whole picture of the positive things in the relationship and the negative things in the relationship and have a hard talk with yourself about what is best for YOUR mental and physical health.

I KNOW that B would be happier with someone who shared his goals. I don't make him happy. He may love me, but I don't make him happy and he sure as hell doesn't make me happy. I told K, our relation is 98% fine and 2% awful. And she responded, wait, no, those numbers can't be right if you're looking at possibly getting divorced. And I told her that the 98% is feathers, but the 2%, that 2% is made of lead and it's heavier to bear.


The statement above seems contradictory to your 98% vs 2% argument and I experienced a few mental red flags when I read the above.

1. If you think that B would be happier with someone who shared his goals and you don't make him happy? A person cannot be made to be happy by another person. Tue happiness comes from within. Whatever you are trying to articulate about happy vs. unhappy with each other are probably areas that are a huge discord between each other. Those "things" need to be analyzed. Sometimes its a difference in values, perspective etc. Relationships are often about compromising on issues where differences occur between people and ACCEPTING those differences not trying to change someone to be something that they are not/that you want them to be.

2. "Trying and doing ones best" to make a relationship work takes TWO people. What threat did he make? It's sounds like insecurity and the need for control. Have you ever been able to talk to him about some of his manipulative behavior? Is he aware of the behavior? Self-awareness is KEY to a person evolving/changing to be the best they can be.

Has B ever considered therapy? Have the two of you every considered couples counseling?

Manipulations, threats, and controlling behavior is toxic.

Sometimes one needs to take a good hard look the person in front of them exactly the way they are...are you willing to accept everything about this person or are there things that are just never going to be acceptable?

He may actually say that there are things that are not acceptable to him about you.

Ultimately, everyone has their own perception of what their reality is and it just may be too different.

I hope my rambling was helpful in some form. It's really hard to articulate all the thoughts and feelings that I have that I'm trying to convey in order to help you see an outside perspective of a woman who has been through years of therapy, relationship mistakes, and my own "issues" that impacted those relationships and where I needed to evolve myself.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Dancing_EMTmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 3467, member since Wed Dec 08, 2004
On Sat Jul 08, 2017 09:17 PM
How have things been? I've been thinking about you!
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Sun Jul 09, 2017 12:39 PM
EMT, It's funny, I've sat down three times to write a response and I don't know. I've got nothing right now.

And, Smileywoman, of course I remember you! Any input is always welcome!!

Honestly, I feel healthy and stable right now. For maybe the first time ever in my life, so that's pretty cool. I'm on 10mg of the escitalopram and that's holding my depression steady and I just finished a week at 100mg of topiramate for my migraines. The weather was screwy and I was flirting with a migraine and took three of the ketorolac over 18 hours (one the first day and then two the second day spaced 6 hours apart) and that kept it at headache levels, it never progressed to full blown migraine, so that's a HUGE improvement. Normally that would have averaged a moderate to severe migraine over the course of three days. A bad headache for 18 hours is nothing.

Since January I've lost 55+ pounds. I'm well on my way to being a healthy weight again. I just donated a huge bag of clothes that don't fit!! to Goodwill because I never plan to be that big ever again. I'm about halfway to my goal weight. So I'm looking forward to actually looking in the mirror and seeing me again.

I ordered some new glasses. The ones I currently have are from almost ten years and several prescriptions ago, so I got some cute frames and I'm actually looking forward to giving my eyes a break from wearing contacts all the time. I also splurged and bought some high-end sunglasses for the first time ever. Polarized lens are the real deal. Buenos.

Okay, so B and I had a brief state of the marriage talk, and for the time being, we're both on the same page and we're going to keep actively working. I mean, this may all change. Waffle girl here. But I am trying to get to know him again - get to him as not clinically majorly depressed Sumayah but as a rational human being and see if he's someone I want to invest more time and years with. Getting on the medications has drastically changed me, which has also changed the dynamics of our relationship. So, it's rough, because all my memories are from the perspective of dark depression, lacking in worth, desperate, backed into a corner. And now that I'm feeling capable of exerting personhood again and being an actual partner in this relationship and not just a burden or a weight to be born (to either myself or to him), it's really like starting over.

There's all this baggage, but it's superfluous. It's like I've got to just set it on fire and sweep up the ashes and throw them away. But then we circle back around to "but you do/don't do..." and then it's a re-evavualtion of, "but no, see, that's done, gone, well, mostly gone, I've still got this sock stuck on me, but, static cling you know, and I'm trying but..." and it's just so damn frustrating.

I'm having to prove that I'm not the same sadsack person I've been for 14 years. Except that I am that sadsack person, except that I'm not that person at all. And goddamn. It's exhausting.

But yeah. We're trying. We are trying. I'm making a concerted effort to put his wants and needs first and give him attention. He's making and effort to help me accomplish my goals and make the things that I want to happen happen and put me first. If we can just not backslide...

But that's one hell of an "if."

All right guys. I'm doing well. I've just been really tired. Adjusting to the topiramate has really taken it out of me. Oh! And the side effects have been fun. My sister got the "burning, prickling, or tingling sensations" when she took it. I've had a little of that, like my feet are falling asleep. But mostly I've had some major illusory palinopsia - light streaking and vision trailing specifically. Only in high contrast situations - so late at night, dark country skies and bright street lights. I am my own visual rave. But I've also had the tiredness. Definitively the tiredness.

Anyway. That's where things stand right now. Presently I feel good - stable - and B and I are working things out, but as I become more confident in myself and more sure of my actual feelings towards him, that may change in the future. We'll see.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Mon Jul 17, 2017 11:08 AM
I'm having a maybe I should divorce him day.

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re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6850, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Tue Jul 18, 2017 01:31 PM
Edited by Christine (207347) on 2017-07-18 14:30:56 clean up some messy typing
I am not a therapist, nor do I play one on television. Therefore, this free advice is worth exactly what you pay for it.

I assume he has refused marriage counseling? I suspect the, "We can't afford it", card may be played, but I assure you, divorce lawyers cost much more and tend to be horrible counselors.

Often, people go into counseling when things are already broken, and I do hope if you two are able to see your way clear to this option, that is not the case. However, if it is, and the decision is a clear cut as your post above, it can still be a useful tool. This is a big decision and you've been suffering with it for a while. I think these are the questions you need to address.

1) Would you be happier with him or without him? I know you say you love him, and I believe you do. But will you spend your youth trying to turn Mr. Wrong into Mr. Right? It doesn't work. On the other hand, sometimes the reality of "do or die" can force some people to grow up.

2) Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Where does he see himself in 10 years? Do either of these "visions" seem possible as you approach you 25th Anniversary? (which is what my math calculates)

3) If something changed tomorrow... health, finances, geography.... would you weigh your options the same way you are now?

4) If you could pick one moment in time, where things "went wrong", is there any chance that things would have been different if that moment had been different? Is there any undoing this? Is he capable of change? Are you?

5) What do you want?

Number 5 is the hardest to answer, I suspect.

I have hesitated to comment too much as I don't want to inspire misunderstanding from other DDN members and I clearly understand that this is an extremely emotional time. I also suspect this diary is often a safe place to vent.... as it should be.

But I MUST say this.... It is clear that B is a bit immature, a bit angry, and frankly, using the tactics of a teenage boy in dealing with the growing pains of marriage. Threatening to divorce you when you express unhappiness and express the need for changes is NOT the stuff hope is made of.

On the other hand, perhaps he would be more receptive to hearing "the way it is" from a therapist. Whether is is willing or not, I do think you deserve this particular sounding board. It will help you organize and clarify your thoughts and feelings, which are complex and complicated.

I wish you the very, very, best. xoxo

Keep On Dancing*
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By hummingbird Comments: 10435, member since Mon Apr 18, 2005
On Thu Jul 27, 2017 05:40 PM
Just sending positive thoughts your way and wondering how things are going.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Mon Jul 31, 2017 01:52 PM
I'm here. I'm okay. I'm stuck in a reciprocal mindset of frustration and EVERYTHING'S FINE.

To which, clearly, if my mind is yelling at me, everything is not fine.

We've talked a couple of times and it feels like we've made progress, like actual headway, but then he'll do something completely assholerly and I'm like I'M OUT. Christine, you were dead on when you said that "It is clear that B is a bit immature, a bit angry, and frankly, using the tactics of a teenage boy in dealing with the growing pains of marriage." That's it.

He wants me to be a homebody. He wants me to want to put time and energy into the house and make it a place where we grow old together. He wants me to be at home with him.

I... I don't want that.

Not right now. Maybe not ever? I don't know. Right now, right now I feel like I've wasted so much of my life. I'm 37. I've done so little. The last time I was on a plane was to visit my sister when she lived in Seattle. That was in 2001? 2002? We didn't go anywhere for our honeymoon. I've been to Las Vegas for dance Nationals years and years ago. I've lost so much of myself working and sitting at home and being depressed.

I want to travel. I want to go places. I want to meet people. I am over the moon to take this trip. I'm getting a tattoo while I'm up there. I'm scrounging up old gift cards and with a donation from a friend I've got about half what I need in my PayPal. I'm not sure where I'll find the rest of the money, but I'll find it. It's gonna be worth it. The tattoo is going to be a reflection of my battle with depression and a nod to the fight and rebellion of our times and a gamer insight as well. I'm going to sing karaoke. I'm going to eat french fries in my sandwich and get drunk on cheap wine. I'm going to a Harry Potter event with Naoise. I am SO excited. September cannot come soon enough.

My meds are working awesomely. I feel so good. And I think that's the problem. I feel good. I want to live my life. And B isn't a social creature. And he doesn't want these things. But honestly? If it comes to me or us I'm choosing me. I'm tired of putting myself on the backburner. It's time to live. And he's either going to help me or we'll part ways. I'm important. What I want is important. And I am working towards his goals, so it's gotta go both ways. Period.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces (karma: 1)
By hummingbird Comments: 10435, member since Mon Apr 18, 2005
On Tue Aug 01, 2017 10:23 AM
I know I shouldn't say this and in the old days of DDN I would have been vilified but in my experience it's a guy thing. Women want to talk about their feelings, men will dig their heels in and try to pretend that nothing is changing in this given situation.

I know that's exactly what happened with my husband. I can't count the amount of times that he has said can't we go back to how we where. My reaction is hell no! I'm not that person any more and I'm certainly not going to turn back into her.

Look after yourself, if you don't no one else is going to do it for you and good for you for standing up for what you want. I agree with you, get out there, see things, do things, it will make you a stronger person.

It's so good to hear you sounding more positive and looking forward to life!
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Tue Aug 01, 2017 11:32 AM
I do feel better. I feel like I'm awake? B's just a homebody, always has been. I used to be. I still enjoy being at home, but I also want to experience more than my small microcosm of the world.

I like doing.

Here's a good example. So all my very closest friend's birthdays fall in August. Cali (who eloped!!!!!! I'M SO HAPPY FOR HER! MY HEART IS JUST BURSTING FOR HER AND C.), Saint M, and K. So I have a few birthday gifts to wrap and get in the mail. Yesterday I worked a long day, got home, made dinner, watch a little stupid cooking show tv while I ate and went to my office to wrap gifts. B got all hurt that I didn't want to sit in the living room with for an hour while he watched Preacher.

It's a good show. I've been sorta half watching, but I'm not invested in the show. But that's how he attributes affection. He "spends time" with people by watching tv with them. I spend time with people by talking to them, doing stuff with them, engaging them in someway. Not coexisting in the same space with them. But whatever, I stopped what I was doing and sat on the couch and texted Saint M and half watched tv. I just don't know. That's not how I want to waste my life away. I don't want to spend the next 15 years sitting in front of the tv watching shows as a way of spending time with B, you know? But he doesn't want to go out and *do* stuff.

I WANT TO DO STUFF.

AGHHHHHH.

Okay. Enough whinging.

I am doing stuff. I'm flying to visit cool people and finally going east of Texas. I'm sending awesome birthday gifts off to people I love this month. I've got brunch with friends. I'm helping another friend with her business' social media. I'm gonna lose another 20 pounds before I get on this plane. I'm going to save up more money so this tattoo will be badass. (If any of you want to donate to the tattoo cause and/or me having extra spending money on my trip: sumayah@dance.net is set up to receive funds. Although I don't actually expect anyone too. XD) I'm going to have the best 5 days and night available.

So yeah. <3
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Wed Aug 09, 2017 09:33 AM
So I had pretty bad food poisoning on Monday. I went to work and within maybe 15 minutes decided that I was not making it. Dr. G adjusted me and worked on my gall bladder. Holy crow you guys. I thought I was going to cry and/or throw up. I went home and spent half the day in the bathroom feeling just awful and half the day in bed resting from feeling awful.

Me and food mutually decided that we were going to see other people and then I realized that I wanted to be exclusive with water for a while.

Tuesday I went to work, but I asked Dr. R if I could go home early, and he let me. This actually served multiple purposes since Sir Pounce-A-Lot had been dropped off to be neutered and pick-up was between 3:30-5:00pm. So I got off at 4:30pm instead of 5:30pm and got my baby kitty, got some soup and ate for the first time in 24 hours. It went okay. I read on the sofa and then decided that around 9:30 I needed to go to bed.

Okay, relationship good news. On Saturday, B wanted to go out to dinner. Like a date night. Actually leave the house and go somewhere with me and have a meal. !!! So that's a pretty big step for him. Initially I was tired and didn't want to go, but then I was like, um, Suma, isn't that exactly what you've been saying you want? To go OUT and do stuff together? Isn't this a step? Get your ass and dressed and go do it. So I did.

The only negative was he took a throw away conversation, a one off, and like held onto it and stewed on it and got all upset and confronted me about it the next day. I was all +hands up+ whoa boy, there was literally no hidden meaning or agenda, this was a conversation that happened, I was making small talk. For the love of cheese.

What was this comment you ask? Well, B drinks this tea. He drinks an inordinate amount of tea. You can only buy it by the bottle. I end up buying like 30-40 bottles at the store regularly. WITHOUT FAIL some bagger has to be all OMG DO YOU DRINK THAT MUCH TEA!? Yeah. Clearly. WHOA. HOW MUCH DOES THAT COST!? Too much for tea. YOU MUST REALLY LIKE TEA. Yeah. Obviously. Thanks. So, I was sharing this with him and teasing him that he'll get to deal with the incredulous and nosy clerks when I go on vacation at the end of September. Apparently, he took this as some underhanded jab about money and spending and got all butthurt.

Um. No my dude. It was literally a story about my trip to the grocery store that morning. There was zero subtext there. I had forgotten about it until he brought it up on Sunday, all angry and upset. I'm sorry what?

BUT ANYWAY.

Also, a friend is creating a novel. She actually wrote the bulk of this back in 2013, and it's become overwhelmingly timely given the current state of affairs. But if you've got some money you'd like to donate towards an up and coming author support her here: www.patreon.com . . .

All right folks. You are beautiful and I love you and I have a headache and I don't really feel good but you guys make my heart happy.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Dancing_EMTmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 3467, member since Wed Dec 08, 2004
On Wed Aug 09, 2017 10:24 PM
Where did you get him? Most shelters fix their kittens before sending them home.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Thu Aug 10, 2017 06:13 AM
EMT - he was from Nextdoor. B saw a post that someone had an unexpected litter of kittens and were giving them away - I don't know the full story, but it sounds like a pregnant momma cat just adopted this family and said I live here now, because they had two other cats besides. So Sir Pounce was free, but we were on the hook for neutering and shots. Fortunately there's a low cost clinic at the rescue/adoption place where we got Mayuri so I made an appointment to have it done there.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Thu Aug 10, 2017 09:58 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-08-10 12:48:16
Okay, first off, shameless self-promotion and plugs. If you have money just burning a hole in your pocket (ha, who am I kidding, we're all poor) and you want to donate it to a bad cause, sumayah@dance.net is set up for PayPal and will help fund my vacation in September. There will be drunkenness and debauchery. I told you it's a bad cause. If you want to feel better about where your money is going, become a Patreon to my friend who is writing a novel. The story is really good and my friend deserves every dollar she gets. Give a dollar or three or more here: www.patreon.com . . .

Okay, enough of that.

GUYS. I FEEL HUMAN AGAIN.

YAAAAAAAY!!!!

Food poisoning is a bitch, man. I spent Monday feeling like death toast. And then Tuesday and Wednesday feeling like I was barely there. I was ready for bed by 9:30pm both nights. Today I'm a real functioning person again, hooray! *throws confetti*

Okay, so I think I was talking to a friend about this, I don't think I told y'all about this. So I mentioned how B's version of spending time with people is watching TV right? Well, that's how he's been even with his niece. Whereas I would make playdoh out of flour and and food coloring and bake cookies and hula hoop and play with her when she was little, he watched TV. And buy her stuff. Because that's how he knows to show affection. Again, I've learned that this is just how he operates and I've adjusted my expectations accordingly. However, I've been waiting for the day that it comes back to bite him in the ass and GUESS WHAT? That day has come.

Niece asks him for a laptop shortly after he just gave gave her some stuff. He's feeling a little used. He says no. This is what goes down:
Spoiler: Show
B: Hi hon, I had some unexpected car expenseses so I won't be able to get your laptop. I am so sorry. You might ask Nana. She makes big money.

B: You can also use you Mom's PC for Nextdoor. That way you can hopefully find some better paying work closer to you.

Niece: Ok

N: I talked to Nana about the laptop... and you didn't mention it to her beforehand. Which was kind of embarrassing for me and that wasn't cool. But she is going to try and get me one.

--Let me just jump in here real quick. Niece is 19. B is 38. The correct response to her response was to say, "Oh sorry sweetie, well I'm glad she's going to try and help you out. <3." AAAAnd done. But she's 19. To any teenagers who read this, I'm sorry, but y'all are precious children. I though when I was 19 I was An Adult™ but I super wasn't. And working with teenagers, you super aren't either. And she super isn't. ANYWAY. Suma out--

B: I wasn't going to talk to Nana about that. Reread the text.

B: I don't talk to Nana. She seems to have some kind of problem with everything I do. I do not talk to people like that. I am not to blame for everyone else's problems.

B: Do not send me another text like that please.

B: FWD: Hi hon, I had some unexpected car expenseses so I won't be able to get your laptop. I am so sorry. You might ask Nana. She makes big money. You can also use you Mom's PC for Nextdoor. That way you can hopefully find some better paying work closer to you.

B: Actually, if you are are just going to text that kind of stuff, just don't text me at all.

--Hi. Suma again. Yes. He's 38. I just wanted to clarify that. That's a nearly 40 year old man. Not the 19 yr old child. Mmmhmm.--

N: I know what the text says. But you can't offer up other people to buy me things because the have "big money." What I am texting you is how I feel and what needs to be talked about. I am sorry that you and Nana aren't doing well,, but that is not my problem. We are all adults here and you need to realize that you are cutting the small amount of family you have left out of your life. My mom takes care of [your dad] all on her own and it's very stressful having a dad who can' make new memories and has a serious brain injury. And all of this is coming from me, not her. I can't force you to do anything but please see what results from your actions.

--Me again. Okay, I've never met B's dad. He's basically dead to him. I barely know his name. Also, um, she super has a point? I'm on her side of this one. He's the one who got all butthurt and drug her into this. And frankly, she is a stupid kid, but for all that, she's responding pretty damn maturely. And back to it.--

B: I made a suggestion. No one was twisting your arm.

B: Your mother is making a choice with [my dad]. That is not her responsibility. Nor is it mine. I will not make it mine and you need to make peace with that because that will not change. Period. I owe that man nothing. He did nothing for me when he should have done. So. Much. More.

B: He is no family of mine. Nana took years away from me exploiting me for her own financial gain while verbally and emotionally abusing me. That woman cares nothing for me. She is not capable of it. By all means though, find out on your own. Go live with her. Work with her and then you can lecture me on family life lessons.

B: [My dad] made decision that led him to where he is. That was his person responsibility. Look at it and learn from it. Don't let it happen to you.

B: You are not changing my mind. Nana made sure of that. I will not waste it on this bs.

--Soooooooooo again, I'd like to remind you. HE'S ALMOST 40. That's WAY MORE OVERSHARED TO A 19yr THAN NECESSARY. I mean like if he doesn't want to get involved with family drama, than DON'T START FAMILY DRAMA. Jesus.--

N: Alrighty then B. This isn't bs. This is real life and I'm talking about now. Not your sad life story who my mom also lived with by the way. But you do you. Keep living at the rate you're going and see how far that gets you. I am not a child and I can argue too. But I don't want to waste anymore of your precious time. Have a beautiful day.

--That's honestly a pretty appropriate response. I really can't blame her.--

B: Wow.

B: It is true you are an adult. And it is time you started living with the consequences of your actions. I am glad you know everything. That will help with that. Have a great day munchkin and I love you.

--Then he told me he call her a hurtful, self-righteous brat. Ummmmmm. I don't know about that. Secondly, her life hasn't been all peaches and cream. She hasn't had life handed to her on a platter and she's worked hard. I'm really damn proud of that kid and I don't tell her that enough. Yes, she's under a misguided fantasy that her mom's side of the family will all be one big dysfunctional but maybe able to coexist tolerably family. That... that's not going to happen. I'm currently on decent terms with his mom and sister and niece, but yeah. Yeahhh.--

ANYWAY.

I feel like I need to make a primer about how to handle B for his family. Because I think I get it, it doesn't mean I don't get frustrated and want to call it quits on a regular basis (CLEARLY), but I've at least figured him out. Heaven help if we do get divorced anyone he gets with. I'm not sure if he'd end up alone because I'm the only one who gets him or if because I get him he hasn't had to adjust his childish behavior? I dunno. Whatever. Okay, back to work.

Have a good day beautiful!
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Tue Aug 15, 2017 02:57 PM
My headache is intensely bad today. I'm considering taking pain meds bad. My head has been having these weird nerve firings along my temple. It's like... it's like my brain is trying its damndest to have a migraine but the topiramate is all NO. NUH UH. YOU CAN'T.

Accurate representation of my headache:


So while I'm having a headache and I sort of want to bang my head into a wall, it's not a migraine. I haven't had a migraine in two months. That's... Guys. 2 months. Do you know what that has done for my quality of life? Jesus. Like, I'm not a fan of these severe headaches and when I say I'm considering taking pain meds I mean the ketorolac, not like advil. Because at this point, a having lived with migraines for so long, a headache that would require advil I shrug off. Those aren't even worth acknowledging. Like, my pain threshold is so skewed at this point, I don't even know what a normal headache is. All I know is I'm pretty sure when you start considering physical bodily harm because your head hurts so much, you've surpassed "advil level headache." But hey maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you're reading this going, dumb bitch, that's exactly what a normal headache feels like, what does she think two advil are for? a tickle?

I dunno man, if your normal headaches make you want to bang your head into a brick wall, I highly suggest seeing a doctor. My normal headaches are headaches. They suck. Your head, well, aches. It's an annoyance. You sign a lot and maybe feel a little unfocused. But why take anything for that? But this is a severe headache. My head isn't throbbing. It's a step down from migraine levels of pain. I'm not nauseated, I don't have visual disturbances, no aura (not that I get auras usually), it's not in my migraines spot, I'm not overly light sensitive (maybe a little? but then I don't exactly love the light aanyway so...), which is great, NOT a migraine. But goddam my head HURTS. Like crazy intensely. I just want to close my eyes and lay down and sleep it off. Buuuuut I'm at work.

I will say that I have been feeling so much better since getting on the Lexapro and topiramate. Like I don't think I'd make it through this year. Or if I did, (to be continued)
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Thu Aug 17, 2017 07:46 PM
Imma just pick up where that last post left off because life got busy.

I will say that I have been feeling so much better since getting on the Lexapro and topiramate. Like I don't think I'd make it through this year. Or if I did, I'd definitely be in a much worse place. Much, much worse place.

So, the lesson here is, please, find a way to get the mental care you need.

Okay, birthday gifts!

I can finally tell y'all about them. For Cali I got her a bracelet that says, "You are so [censored] loved" and then I got her a sister wish bracelet - one for her and one for me. I made my wishes already. Three wishes. One of them might already be happening. Wishes bracelets are legit y'all. I also made her margarita cookies with a tequila lime glaze. And then, just to make her birthday extra special, I bought my plane tickets to go visit in March. <3

For Saint M I got her stickers and tee-shirts and I made her cranberry gin and tonic cookies. And I got her a new fitness tracker. Okay, so this requires a bit of an explanation. Because while Saint M is one of my besties, I don't love her $130 for her birthday - I mean I do, but yeah, literally one of the shirts I sent her was free and the stickers were like a buck piece because hey, sale! I don't exactly have $130 to just drop on gifts. Cali's gifts were like a total of $80? including the plane trip (yay miles!) and I've been collecting them over a period of time. So I decided to check Craisglist and see if there was an Alta HR (I know she's been wanting to track her sleep more accurately than her current fitness tracker does) and sure enough there was.

For $120.

Haha, very funny.

It was new, sealed in box still. Which is great, but $10 less than Amazon? Really?

So yeah, nope that's super not gonna happen.

So I go about my plan to send her tee-shirts, stickers, and cookies.

A month passes and I go, oh what the heck, let me check Craigslist one more time. That ad was still there. All right, well, lemme see if it's still available.

It was.

So I low ball a price.

No response.

I respond back and ask if they're open to negotiate the price.

The lady responds back "If you pay cash I'll do it for [$10 more]."

Um. OKAY.

She's apparently going on vacation so it needs to happen the following day. She sends me a map with an X marked on it. It's a delivery alley for a professional building downtown.

This isn't sketchy at all.

Turns out she had ordered one, received two and decided to sell the second one. Since it had been sitting there for a month and she was going on a week-long vacation starting tomorrow, she was ready to just take cash.

Lemme put it this way, for what I paid and including all the other stuff I sent, the USPS standard insurance that comes with the 2 day shipping was just fiiii ne. So yeah. I feel like a savvy bargain shopper.

K's birthday is on Monday and I never fail to rub it in that she's older than me. At least for a handful of days. XD

I dunno. I'm not excited about my birthday this year.

I know Dr. G will take us out, and B has been asking what I want. But I kinda don't want to do anything? Maybe dinner on Saturday. I might see if A&A, J&P, M&J, and P&A want to meet somewhere for dinner. I'm not in the mood to have folks over. We also have our brunch on Aug 27th so another get together would be really soon.

All right. Friendly plug time. Go support my friend. Her book is awesome. Doooo eeet. www.patreon.com . . .
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Wed Aug 23, 2017 04:58 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-08-24 00:31:36 don't read this you guys
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-08-26 17:53:25 Added a video because whoa.
Um, shit's about to get real up in here. Like this is a long TL:DR post and it's all over the place and I'm kind of a mess and I'm depressed as hell about current events and I've been crying and if you read this, damn y'all, you deserve a cookie. Because this is rough to write, emotionally for me sure, but just, welcome to my complete stream of consciousness THERE IS NO PLOT good luck with following this.

Spoiler: Show
Okay, I've danced around explicitly stating this for a while. Religion. When I was three my mother began studying with Jehovah's Witnesses. I haven't stated it because it seems a little identifying and also I don't want to bad mouth and/or get attention from folks for that reason. But as I'm figuring my life out I'm realizing it plays a pretty big part of why and who I am me.

So, long time readers are probably going WELL THAT EXPLAINS SO MUCH and new readers are going, huh? Really? I'm kinda surprised. I only got a handful of birthday parties and Christmases and then nothing. And I held on to it for a long time, well into my mid to late 20s - into my first few diaries. Halfheartedly at best.

So here's the story of me.

I went from being a vivacious, precocious child who wouldn't shut up to being a very introverted, shy child. Now whether it was the button-down, staid atmosphere of the church services and having to sit quietly combined with a distancing from extended family and the subtle undercurrents of dissent from family of my mom joining this cult or just a natural progression of my personality, we'll never know.

Let me interject real quick. Cult. Yes. It might not be a Kool-Aid drinking Hale-Bopp worshiping suicide-murder cult, but it is a cult nonetheless. Don't get me wrong, JWs are super nice folks, but they're in a cult. Straight up.

But anyway, I was suddenly not allowed to make friends because kids at school were "worldly" which in JW speak means they weren't also in the cult and you're not allowed to be friends with people who have different beliefs than you because an open mind is a dangerous thing. I mean they don't out right say that, but essentially, yeah. "Bad association spoils useful habits" is the direct line you're told.

You can be friendly, but like hanging out and going over to have "play-dates" or spending time with kids was not allowed. So I didn't have friends at school. I don't remember Kindergarten or 1st grade but I changed schools because of some issue - teacher issue? I was smart which didn't help, but I think the teacher wasn't accommodating of religious beliefs?? I could be making that up. All I know is that second and third grade I do remember.

In second grade I had a crush on these two boys in my class, Blake and Matt. At this point I was A Sensitive Child and I didn't like getting in trouble or being teased. Again, whether this was circumstantial or because of a natural personality shift who knows, but here we are. I had finished with my work early, and so had Matt. And once we were done with our work we were allowed to quietly play at one of the stations in the classroom. So we were sitting in the back of the class room behind the bookshelf playing a quiet game of pick-up sticks. Well, what we thought was a quiet game of pick up sticks. We both got in trouble. The teacher snapped at us and made us sit on time-out stools at the front of the class for probably a minute or two but for what felt like an embarrassing eternity.

I WAS DEVASTATED.

Quiet, shy, introverted me had mustered up my 7 yr old courage enough to play pick-up sticks with one of the boys I had a crush on and here I was shamed in front of the whole class.

Cool, cool, so this is clearly how this whole liking boys thing goes so well we just won't do that any more.

And I didn't.

Not until I was a teenager.

I had one friend, sort of friend anyway, Michelle, in 2nd grade. My mom was "studying" with her mom. That meant that once a week I went over to Michelle's house (also at this point the names are made up because literally they don't matter, I'll never refer to them again after this post) and we'd play while my mom would talk the bible to Michelle's mom and try to convert her into joining the cult. She never became a JW to my knowledge. Good for them. But we were sort of friends, not really close though.

My closest friend was my next door neighbor. Because she lived next door. She was a year or so 18 months younger than me? Her brother was as much older than me. But I'd go over there to play. She had Barbies and Strawberry Shortcake dolls and when he'd go outside to play with his friends, we'd go into his room to play with Skeletor Castle because it was way cooler than girl toys. I do remember at one point around this time period, somewhere in the 6-8 yr old range, the playing with Barbies range, I very distinctly remember Barbie and Ken getting married and then Ken having an affair with a different Barbie doll. Like intentionally. I intentionally made Ken cheat on Barbie, and have an affair with another woman. Like dolls kissing and everything.

Oh hey did I not tell you this was going to be a deepest darkest secrets therapy session? WELL IT'S TOO LATE NOW.

So, reasonably around this time, you may be able to guess that my mom suspected my dad was having an affair at work. In theory, it was kept away from me. However quiet, sensitive children hear things and know. Don't for one freaking second think they don't.

Oh shit. Therapy diary session for real man.

So, it's not like my parents shared a bedroom. It's not like my parents in my memory EVER shared a bedroom. I'm not entirely sure how I was conceived. No. That's true.

September 8th.

LET'S DO MATH.

Counting backwards... carry the 1...

I believe if my calculations are correct, I was either a) birthday sex (mom or dad, there's a birthday for each in Dec and Jan), b) Christmas sex, or c) New Year's Eve sex.

Ew.

My sister was 9 at the time, she'd turn 10 just after I was born. My mom had been told she would never have more children. So this was maybe consensual sex? God I hope it was consensual sex? But there's a good chance it was, hey, we're married, get to having sexytimes, it's like once a year, so let's just do this thing. Weird thing is I have no idea which parent would be the instigator and which would be the reluctant. It could honestly go either way.

But the point being there was never a time in my life where my parents shared a bedroom. Which is totally normal and healthy.

Mmhmm.

And then later when one of my sister's friends got kicked out of their house, as happens when you're a teenager, my mom gave her her room, which was originally my room, but that was the room I had the hypnopompic sleep paralysis shadow parade in when I was small - pre-JW, because I had a pink crucifix that hung on my kitten picture - and I had refused to sleep in that room afterwards, for understandable pre-K logic, and instead of my mom doing the reasonable thing and going, well, I guess I'll shared a room with my husband, she went, nah man, I'll shared a room with my per-pubescent tween daughter and make her sleep on a cot. Literally y'all a cot. A folding cot. That was my bed. My mom slept in my bed and I slept in a cot in my my room. AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY I HAVE PRIVACY AND SPACE ISSUES I CAN'T IMAGE WHY THAT COULD BE THE CASE.

Although here I am telling y'all the internet everything, so clearly my boundaries don't extend digitally.

Which segues nicely in on the Wonder Years. That came out when I was in 3rd grade? Recently a friend had posted on this picture poll thing on Facebook asking who the hottest 90's star was and he commented it was Danica McKellar (she was one of the four pictures listed) and I like his posted and started to comment, well duh, why else did any one watch the Wonder Years? Then I stopped. Sure he watched The Wonder Years for Winnie, but why would I, a girl have been watching it? Surely I was watching for the kid in the Princess Bride who's name I can't even be bothered to google I care so little about? NOPE. I had such a girl crush on her. And it only occurred to me as I deleted my post that my 8 yr old self had had a SERIOUS crush on Danica McKellar. She was the only reason I watched the show. I don't even remember any of the plot lines, I just remember she was pretty. That may or may not have been around the time I discovered that the clitoris was a pretty great thing.

But yeah, basically my childhood was a wash of me not having friends, changing schools, my dad possibly having an affair, then there was drama my sister got into and we while we stayed JWs we changed congregations so even the familiar little boys who didn't want to play with me at the church who were at least familiar were suddenly gone and replaced by no children at all because for whatever reason no one in this congregation had kids my age. I was pretty flipping lonely.

After 4th grade I ended up going to a private school, where strangely enough, awkward me still didn't make friends. I can't imagine why not. No baggage or anything. WHAT 11 yr old HAS BAGGAGE!? Me apparently.

Eventually we moved and I got sick, but I've told y'all about that hell. Fun with almost dying. No.

Then we moved back.

Basically, I think that's why my friend's today are so important to me. When you spend 17 years not having friends, you freaking treasure the ones you make.

It's also why I'm simultaneously good and bad at birthdays. One year I'm amazing at your birthday. The next? Well... you may be lucky to get a card. But probably you'll get a text. Because it's just not something I spent years of my life doing and depending on where I am mentally, sometimes birthday gifs is all I have to give.

But I love giving presents. There again, never being allowed to give gifts? I adore seeing friends light up from receiving a present. It makes my heart happy to make them happy.

I don't know you guys. For as much damage as religion could have done, I was never all in. Honestly, the idea of living forever on a paradise sounded boring? to me. Like forever forever? but what do you do after a while? And then I discovered my love of sci-fi and fantasy because why not colonize planets if we have forever, right? Sure. WHY NOT. Because that's stupid.

A god that wants to hear praise forever as spoken and sung by the people he created by their free will to do it? WHAT? But the animals can go screw off and do whatever they want? But human get to serve and worship for the rest of their lives? THIS DOES NOT SOUND LIKE FUN I WANT TO COLONIZE MARS OR BE REBORN AS A CAT CAN I BE REBORN AS A CAT? Ah... no. WELL I'M OUT.

And then as I got older and wiser and you know, had thoughts of my own for myself, so this whole "love the sinner, hate the sin" thing is total bullshit? It's bullshit right? Because it is. I'm sorry no. FIRST OF ALL. A loving god would not create people with the capacity to fall in love with someone of whatever gender (or not) and then say oh no JK, my bad you can't do that that whole free will thing is all wrong. A loving god would create the capacity for humans to love as humans love, whatever gender (or not) they choose, because of free will. So the tenants against homosexuality just... hurt me? I mean, I've only now settled on the fact that I've liked girls since 1988. But it literally hurt that they are saying that someone who falls in love with a person of the same gender and acts on it is wrong and should be excommunicated from not just the church but by their family. THAT IS A THING THEY DO.

No really. If you're gay and celibate forever and never have a partner and never tell anyone you're gay, you're fine. But if you act on it even a little bit, even kissing a same sex partner, you'll be disciplined. If it's a bad enough offense, you'll be disfellowshipped. Then no one in the church can talk to you. No one in your family can talk to you. It's basically emotional blackmail. It's how they keep you in. They use your family as hostages. Well, do you ever want to talk to your mom and dad and siblings again? your best friend? Better repent and give up on ever being happy with a life partner because your happiness and life fulfillment is not as important as these arbitrary rules outlined by group out of touch AARP to elderly men who are holding on to ideas from the early 1900s.

Oh by the way, if you're het and just want to have per-mariatal sex, you're out too.

Or if you're married and with full communication and agreement of all parties decide to swing with another couple because you're curious? Out.

Apparently what you can and cannot do in the privacy of your bedroom as a consenting adult with another consenting adult is of the utmost concern to the elders in the congregation. Sorry, but that was when I'd finally had it. When I realized that a gay person literally had to chose between their own happiness or being able to speak to their family? No. That's just beyond not okay.

I had been sort of halfheartedly attending meeting for a long time because, well hello, brainwashing, but I finally walked away and the more distance I have the better.

Again, generally speaking JWs are good, caring people, unless you have sex outside of marriage or are homosexual, or are transgender, basically if you don't toe the line and do what they say, in which case it's like you don't exist.

So there's the round about story of how Suma became Suma.

ETA: Real quick, here's some info on disfellowshipping taken from the convention from 2016.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Thu Aug 24, 2017 10:56 AM
Oh hey trigger warning. I didn't mean to go here, but here we are. Past thoughts of suicide.

Okay guys, so I spent last night just crying. This was the article that set me off: www.wsj.com . . .

I'm on my period right now, I haven't had a migraine in over two months which is crazy. I've had major, severe headaches, but not migraines. But I'm still learning how to deal with having emotions. And I think last night was a reminder that, oh shit, under the Lexapro, I'm still depressed. I'm wondering if 10mg is enough? Was last night a one off of swirling hormones (I was more of a mess than I'm letting on, I wasn't just crying, crying is fine, crying is emotions, I was borderline verging into places I haven't visited since starting medication) or was that a showing through that things have settled in my brain and while 10 mg was a good starting point, I'm more screwed up than that? I may be. I've been really, really, really depressed for a long time.

Looking back, I don't know how I did this. Like, living. I sincerely don't know how I managed to live. By all accounts I should be dead. Or committed.

Do y'all know how many times through the years when I was driving I thought about swerving off the road into a tree? The times I held a knife in my hand and sobbed because I knew that if I didn't do it right the first time, I would pass out and I wouldn't die? The times I'd get a migraine and imagine just stabbing myself through my eyesocket. The times I couldn't sleep and I imagine just collapsing and never waking up. Cramps so bad that I wanted to physically claw my uterus out but instead I'd clench my fists so tights I'd leave bruises from my fingernails digging into my palms.

I've wanted to die more than I've wanted to live.

And I've missed so much of the good.

And now that I want to live, now that I'm getting my brain under control, I'm finally taking control and I'm walking into a world where it's either fight or die.

And I've wanted to die for long.

But I know too much. I've learned too much. I have too damn much white privilege. My conscience will not let me. There are so many people who have been fighting their whole damn lives and here I am, just now walking up and after a few verbal fights going, wow guys, this is rough, I'm not sure I can do this.

Meanwhile, I can feel the entirety of the PoC, disabled, LGBTQIA+, immigrant, and disenfranchised people just staring at my upper-middle class privileged cisgendered ass married to a cisgender opposite gender partner who is also white and upper-middle class in our house we own in the suburbs and judging the living shit out of me for getting tired.

Because really, let's lay it out, what right do I have to be tired?

I don't.

What right do I have to complain about anything at all?

I don't.

Oh boo hoo Suma, you didn't have friends growing up?

Let me play you a song on the world's smallest violin.

Oh woe is you.

Such hardship.

Oh you're having a hard patch in your marriage?

Sweetheart, your amicable rough patch is nothing. You don't know hardship.

I literally have zero reason to be tired or complain.

Depressed?

Well, I've got news for you princess, who isn't depressed? You're able to make enough money to afford to go the doctor and seek treatment. You're on medication, sure maybe it needs adjusting but so what? That's the process.

So yeah. That's where I stand right now.

I'm tired and depressed right now and I don't feel justified in either.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6850, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Thu Aug 24, 2017 09:46 PM
Edited by Christine (207347) on 2017-08-24 22:36:12 PS Added. xoxo
Oh Sweetie....

As per your "permission", I just ate a huge cookie, am suffering from dieter's remorse, and the entirety of many things that are bothering you at the moment. I wish I could give you a warm hug, rock you in a rocking chair for a while, sing a sweet song, make some tea, and put you to bed to sleep until you feel better.

Really.

I don't want to hijack your diary (again?) but I do need to say this...Sadness, depression, and confusion in response to what is going on in this country of ours right now (you did say the article you linked is the trigger?) is A NORMAL REACTION TO ABNORMAL LEADERSHIP.

I know there are many members here who supported this malignant narcissist before the election and I certainly mean no disrespect to their right to their own opinions.....BUT.... this isn't even funny anymore.

Hate is never OK. .. And when you see the country you love resembling Nazi Germany at every turn ....well, which part of that is supposed to make you feel good?

I will say this however.... I do believe the good people working behind the scenes to fix this mess will prevail. As to the article ...yeah, awful...but when this psycho man first proposed this EVERY. SINGLE. BRANCH. of the military spoke up and called him on his BS. They don't agree...and I don't believe it will happen. I just read the article in The New Yorker regarding Carl Icahn and the complete lack of ethics and oversight in Trump's White House and I am sure the thinkers, those with the power to speak up and the pulpit (like The New Yorker), are doing well. We just need to stay strong and support one another.

We all have friends who must feel even more horrible than we do. I can't imagine what my black and brown friends think about having to send their kids to school next week. But when white people speak up and insist THIS IS NOT RIGHT we can at least give them hope that they are not alone and that we are right by their sides to protect and defend them, their children, and our country.

I am much older than many members here. I lived through the '60's and believe it or not...it was worse. My childhood was full of contention. My parents told me I couldn't go away to college because they feared for my life...with good cause. I had two older cousins who served in Viet Nam and I was actually afraid to tell anyone. My dad was from South Carolina...which in the eyes of liberal New Yorkers, meant he was a racist (he WAS NOT)so at every turn I too felt it best to keep most of the things that defined who I was to myself. I kinda get what you must have felt with the JW identity crisis.

Dance saved my life.

Literally.

It allowed me to lose myself and find myself at the same time. (I forget who said that first, but truth is truth so....)

Starting tomorrow, I vow to dance like my life depends on it. I have been lax the last few months, but I know an hour a day of tap shoes will give me a place to direct my frustration and turn off my brain for a much needed rest. And my ballet barre misses me, I'm sure.... I know you dance often, but if possible...add an extra half hour every single day. It can only help.

None of what is going on in the world right now makes your relationship problems any easier to cope with. Not that relationship problems are EVER easy.... I just know you are going to figure this all out. xoxo


You've had so many changes to deal with in the last year. Years ago I did a paper on "Life Changes". I remember reading an article that assigned a point value to all kinds of changes, good and bad. Divorce or the death of a child, for instance, were good for 100 points. Changing jobs, 40. Moving, 35. Getting married, 50. Losing a job, buying a house, having a baby...they all had numbers. I don't remember all of them, but the idea was to try to keep your number under 100. So... if you lost a child or got divorced...not a good time to buy a house or start a new job. In the case of unavoidable things, like death and taxes, if you number was really high, it was a good time to enter therapy.

I know you are struggling with so many things right now and I'm really glad you have a therapist you can trust and who is helping you. But please don't be hard on yourself, expecting that you SHOULD feel better, SHOULD NOT be allowed to grieve over the state of race relations because you have white skin, or be sad because your marriage is hurting at the moment. Give yourself time and permission to take things day by day and look at your growth and progress over the course of a year, not a week or even a month.

You are a truly wonderful person. You know that, right? You constantly show your big heart and beautiful mind every single time you post on any board here. You deserve happiness by the bucket full. And I do believe when the world gets better, you will too. Until then... Please know you are in my heart, thoughts, and prayers.

Hugs..xoxo

Keep On Dancing*

ps... Just found this. Hope it helps. xoxo Keep On Dancing* www.psychologytoday.com . . .
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6921, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Fri Aug 25, 2017 11:16 AM
I'm freezing at work today.

I did get almost 8 hours of sleep last night. I've noticed that when insomnia rears up and I don't sleep close to my average 6 hours, I get, I'm not sure how to phrase it? Desperate? Manic? My emotions reach overwhelming realms. I slip back into those familiar self-loathing and negative places. It's my default. I can feel myself doing it and it's like I can't stop, I can't pull back.

But, I mean the tone is too much, but the words, well, I don't disagree with the sentiment. I just feel like I need to be doing more. But I keep running into my brain. Like I shout and I get angry and get emotional and then my emotional well isn't so deep and it runs dry real quick because I use all those emotions up so fast. And it takes a while for the emotional waters to replenish enough for me to be shouty and involved again. It's not that I don't care, it's just, I can't express it.

And that's where I am today. I just feel devoid of emotions today.

My 14th anniversary is on Wednesday.

So huh.

I've mixed emotions about that.

B definitely is more invested in our relationship that I am. He was pet sitting for several days and I was actively annoyed when he called to chat with me. I'm pretty much checked out. I basically don't want to be in this relationship. I don't have a reason for it. But I'm pretty much just done.

I don't know what I gonna do about it.
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