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re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6922, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Sun Aug 27, 2017 03:09 AM
Next time I get the bright idea to drunk text, remind me not to. Especially when I'm in this sort of self-destructive mood. I was texting Saint M. Who is earning her nane in the morning. Nothing I said was particularly bad. Unnecessary? Yes. Regretful? Somewhat. But most because of me being self-degrading, not because of anything particularly salacious or malicious or any other -cious words.

I gotta get out of whatever funk this is. This negativity spiral is just awful. And I can see myself descending, but as I'm going down, it's like I'm powerless to stop myself. It's so completely helpless. I feel like I need someone to quite literally slap me out of it when I start going into that mindset. I want to stop the behavior, I don't want to succumb to myself, but then all of a sudden there I am. In the thick of it. Pity party, table of one.

Does anyone have advice? Because it's so frustrating. One minute things are fine, and then over the course of hours I slip into the depressive mindset and the negative self talk comes out, and it's like an infection in my brain and Injust cannot control my thoughts and they taint and run. Those who take antidepressants, is this a sign that my body has adapted to the 10 mg of Lexapro? I think maybe that's a reddit question honestly. Because I felt SO GOOD and then over the past few days, instability city. Is it the hurricane? When not Harvey specifically, but the major weather fronts? I finally gpt a migraine. Ive had to take two of the ketorolac - one last night, one this morning. Maybe that's messing me up? I don't know. I just... frustrating. And poor Saint M. +sigh+ Wish i could go back and fix that.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6922, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Tue Aug 29, 2017 11:51 AM
Tomorrow is my anniversary.

I am so checked out of this marriage.

I literally texted Saint M those words and B texts me this:
Spoiler: Show
B: I don't feel well. I'd like to just skip tomorrow night. I don't have your gift yet. But I will give it to you as soon as it arrives.

B: You have stated that you need to be responsible for bills to be more present with them. I am going to pay off our outstanding bills this week and separate our finances. We will probably need to borrow a bit to do that. You will be responsible for paying half of that off. I will need the [credit card] tonight and you can start using you card.

This occurred because of a $300 water bill. Because he's obsessive about the yard. And we got in a fight. I dropped the ball on calling the utility company back. Because he changed the water filters in the house and ran the water for hours and it's summer in Texas and our yard is lush and green and he does a lot of laundry. So honestly, I'm not too surprised. It sucks. That's A LOT of money we don't have, but I'm not surprised. So it was super high on priority list. Because when I called initially, they said they showed no evidence of leaks. So calling back and making them reread the meter to be told the same thing wasn't exactly my priority because hey, you now what? It's his fault. But we got into a fight. And he spent 10 minutes this morning going off on me about how irresponsible I am.

That seems to be the thing huh?

Both my dad and my husband thing I'm completely useless and irresponsible.

Incapable of existing without help.

A total walking wreck.

That I am too dependent on everyone else.

I run away from reality.

I spend too much time on time on my phone.

Well you know what?

Yeah, I do.

Because I don't want to spend time with you.

Because I am not invested in making this work.

Because I haven't been for a long time.

Because you treat me like a child.

Because you treat me like I'm less than you.

Because you don't care about the thing I like.

Because you don't want to be involved in my life.

Because I have sought out people who actually care about me even though they've never met me.

Because you married me and and you tried to change me and I've never been the person you thought I'd become.

I've never been that person.

I'll never be that person.

I'm tired of trying.

I'm tired of trying.

I'm tired.

I'm so tired.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I don't want to make excuses.

I don't want to pretend.

I don't want to be this person.

I'm super not perfect.

I have many, many flaws.

Staying on top of things is not my strong suit.

I KNOW.

Finances are not my strong suit.

I am very aware of this.

But I can try.

I may fail.

But I can try.

And I'd rather try and fail on my own than deal with these undermining barbs.

Why am I unhappy?

Because I'm with someone who doesn't fulfill me in any meaningful way that I need fulfilled.

Not emotionally.

Not physically.

Sure our sex life has improved. But there's no touch beyond sex. Physical contact = sex. There's no cuddling. There's no lounging and just being with each other. Nope. Physical contact = sex.

Not mentally.

Guys.

I don't know where to start.

I don't know what to do.

I'm scared.

It's a big step.

It's time.

I'm scared to do it.

I know I need to. I know I do.

Let me get through this separating of accounts. That's the first step right?

I haven't been alone in a long time.

I can do it. I'm not worried that I can do it.

It's just... big.

It's one thing to hypothesize.

But he may change his mind tonight.

But I won't let him.

It's time.

It's time to take this first step.

Guys I'm scared. But I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6850, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Tue Aug 29, 2017 08:19 PM
My darling....

my heart is broken for you because your heart has been broken for a long, long, time.

And sadly... it is now time to act SMART. You are done with emotions, doubts, and "well ....but.... um....". I am assuming you made the list, the pros and cons, and here you are. It's ok.

Say. Not. Another. Word. before you speak to a lawyer. I know it is expensive, but it is necessary. You are going to regret too many words spoken in anger if you end up in divorce negotiations and those words come back to bite you.

If you are truly done with B., it is silly to allow him to continue to bully you and tell you what you BETTER do. He is capable of calling the water company. He knows how much water he uses...and what better way to hobble your travel plans! Unconscious, perhaps...but just the same. Who has "the green green grass of home" in Texas in August? Oil millionaires. Only.

Did you marry your Dad? A therapist asked me that once, and for a while, my blood ran cold and I almost thought, "YES". As it happens, I am fortunate in that I did NOT marry my dad, but unfortunate in that many of the responses and reactions I'd learned throughout my childhood were my "go to" in negotiating our relationship. I always gave in, always chose peace over confrontation, and often let him be wrong to the detriment of all rather than fight. Therapy.... the best money I ever spent. I don't let the ghost of my bullying father pull the strings of my reactions anymore. And I am very grateful that my husband was willing to grow up, change when he didn't want to, and forgive me my imperfections. If B. can't or won't do this, there isn't much point in prolonging the agony.

A lawyer will most likely not charge you for a consult, and will most likely ask you, "Is there any chance of reconciliation?" You may wish to ask yourself this, in your heart of hearts, before the visit.

I am so sorry you have been in so much pain for so long. I wish there was another answer, but honestly, reading over the last several pages, I can only say, "I'm sure you know best."

Finally....it is always possible that when this all starts rolling, B. may actually agree to things he formerly refused. (See the "grow up, change when he doesn't want to, forgive wife's imperfections...") I will hope for whatever is best for you. xoxo

Hugs.

Hugs.

More hugs.

Some tears.

More hugs.

Tissues.

(A glib not really funny parting remark like, "Cluck him if he can't take a joke") And some more tears.

I wish I could fix this for you.

xoxo
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6922, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Thu Aug 31, 2017 12:44 PM
I put my credit cards that we share on his desk. I have my own bank account now. I unfortunately have a $1000 balance on this current card that's mine from spending to get enough airline miles for Seattle and also I've been using it for a few things here and there. Like I used it to send a donation to Charlottesville to help victims of the violence. I've used it to help a couple Kickstarters, one a PoC run company that supports graphic and comic book artists and then a friend's dance company that supports LGBTQIA+ dance without imposing gender roles, which is especially important for trans and enby dancers who feel left out of ballet especially. I've also contributed to a few local Houston relief funds. So, it would be a lower amount by now, based on what I've paid off, but I have no regrets as to where my money has gone.

It's just a little daunting.

But I can do it. I will keep my main paycheck going into the shared account since that's where bills get pulled from, also my car payment, and I don't want to screw that up. But my dance paycheck, what little there is of it, will go into my new account and that will be dedicated to paying down my credit card. Once my credit card is paid off, I will budget so it gets paid off monthly.

Really, if I'm only putting my groceries and gas on it, it should be reasonable. I just gotta make a budget and stick to it. Well, with the exception of my vacation. I'm not going to stress too much. I haven't had a vacation since 2001 and I'm not going to worry over every penny I spend. I'll figure it out. Right now I have zero interest on this card, so now's the time, you know?

Yesterday was very anticlimactic. I posted the picture that came up on my Facebook from two years ago because I sort of felt like I needed to acknowledge it but I wasn't really into it. +shrug+

My birthday is next Friday. Dr. G is going to take the office out, so I can choose a nice restaurant and get treated. I know I'll be full and won't want anything so I'll probably go home and sleep after that. Then I think I'll see if folks want to go out to eat on Saturday night. We'll see. I'm kind of meh about it still this year. I think everything that's happened, I just don't really feel like a party.

Okay lovelies, y'all are amazing. I love you. Thank you for being here with me. I can't imagine it's going to get easier or better before it gets worse, so just know that it means the world to me to know that even if you just lurk, knowing that folks are checking in on me and keeping tabs on my life, on this ridiculous mess of my life, helps. That's why I write this diary. It's cathartic, yes, but it keeps me grounded, keeps me connected, keeps me feeling like I'm not so alone. So thank you. Y'all are pretty special to keep sticking it with me. <3
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6922, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Fri Sep 01, 2017 11:31 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-09-01 21:43:53
I...

I haven't been taking care of myself. Like at all.

Not really for a while now.

Which is probably of no surprise to anyone.

So Wednesday I had coffee, a spicy chicken taco, and a half order of queso and chips. And I finished the chips and queso for dinner. With a beer. Then Thursday morning my blood sugar plummeted hardcore. Like I went from stand to sitting fast because I was going to pass out. I didn't. My vision went black and I had an ocean in my ears, but I never lost consciousness. I just sat. I sucked on a piece of hard candy and was fine. So clearly with my body telling me I wasn't doing well, I did the smart thing and didn't eat all day. I had coffee. When I got home I ate a small, single serving of steak, potatoes, and asparagus, and drank an entire bottle of Riesling.

I was involved in a silly twitter thread and that was during the fun part of the drunk, then I was texting with Saint M and well, shit you guys. I'm like the literal worst friend.

It devolved around the time I decided to get laid. And now for another graphic interlude into Suma's sex life! Feel free to skip this.
Spoiler: Show
Me: I'm drunk. I decided that you know what? I will screw him. So I did. Pulled his shirt off and shoved him on the bed.

Me: He had the gall to complain that I was too bitey. Whatever dude.

Me: I just stripped us both naked, pushed you down on the bed and straddled you and told you to be more aggressive with my nipples. And you're telling me not be so bitey? My dude. Really?

Me: And when I asked what you wanted to do to me you suggested missionary. Mmmhmm. Well okay. So we did that.

M: Why did you even bother asking? :P

Me: And then I suggested we face face the headboard and that you should be aggressive and grab my breasts, my hair, really go hard and come and well, he at least came. So.

M: That's not nothing. I guess?

Me: I was ready like a slip 'n slide, it wasn't hard for that to happen.

There was more to that conversation, but it gets too graphic for DDN. But basically that devolved into me getting really sad about the fact that I basically married the first person who bothered to give me attention. Y'all know that right? Have I even explicitly said that?

Well I'm gonna.

Want to know my number?

1

Want to know how many people I've kissed?

1

Want to know how many boyfriends or girlfriends I've had?

1

B's been it. I literally married the first person to give me any attention. I was 22 and I felt so lonely. I had been so alone. I had been so alone for so long, I just took the only thing that came along. And being involved in religion still, marriage was the only option. There was no sex before marriage, there was no living together. So I got married. If I could go back and do it again? I wouldn't get married. I wouldn't. I lost my 20s. I have nothing to show for it.

So yeah. I'm 37 and I've kissed one single person. Who clearly doesn't like how I kiss. Because I was super drunk and into it, and yeah. Yeah. And missionary? I'm offering and open to do whatever and you want to do missionary? And not fun take me missionary. I tried to get into it, fingernails and mouths on skin and yeah no. He wasn't having it. So either he's bad at sex or I am. And since he did have sex with girls before me and I've had sex no one else, maybe it's just me? Maybe I'm boring in bed? I mean, there's a common denominator here, and it's me so...

But I'm this combination of wanting to see what's out there. I want to kiss people. I want to be with other people. I don't want a relationship with anyone. I just want to hookup. I'm literally not wanting anything emotional, I want to be physical with someone. Just to do it. I just want someone, anyone, to want to have sex with me. Like right now, given that I can't act on it, I just want someone to be like, yes, I would absolutely take you and you wouldn't remember your name in the morning. I mean nothing has to happen. But just to hear that someone even wants me? Desires me? Oh man. Because I feel so completely, I don't even know. Just, like not even a person.

Anyway. I guess, that's where that's stemming from. I just want to be wanted.


But I also know I can't. Not yet. I just have to ride this out. We've been joking about when he finds his own apartments. Sort of normalizing that. So, yeah. It's going to happen. I need to look into lawyers.

ETA: I went to bed at 8pm. I haven't eaten anything beyond a Kitkat bar and my coffee today. Not hungry. Don't want food. Head aches.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6922, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Sat Sep 02, 2017 09:54 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-09-02 16:12:34
I slept for over 9 hours. And I dozed and napped and rested for a while before that. And chatted with friends. Got up, took a shower and passed out. I wasn't hungry this morning, but I fixed some coffee and ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Toasted, creamy peanut butter, sour cherry jelly, for those interested. I feel better today.

I spent a lot of time crying yesterday. That post I wrote, man, that hit me hard. It was a suckerpunch of realization that I had spent 23 years feeling so very alone, only to get married to the first person who bothered to take the time and put forth the effort to try to get me naked. I wanted to get laid. And religion dictated that marriage was the only acceptable route to that end. So I got married. Bad reason. Don't get me wrong, I genuinely was into B, we shared interests and while we were dating he was very attentive and hands on. Marriage changed that.

He flat out told me early in the marriage that cuddling was a waste of his time.

And I mean early in the marriage. Less than a year. Months? He went from being very touchy-feely with me to only touching me when sex was involved.

He also asked me straight up to not talk about our problems. With anyone. Not with my mom, my sister, my friends. Not the air our dirty laundry. That our problems were our problems and that we'd work work through things together.

I honestly think my diaries began partially because of that request. It gave me an outlet to talk about my problems without technically breaking that request. I've since talked to my sister and mom and K about stuff because frankly, I need people on my side. I love you all. And your support is invaluable, but family is family. But, yeah, it was just one more thing. Take a quiet, introverted person who doesn't have many friends to start with, is in a cult, and then isolate her further by requesting that she not speak to her family about her problems, and you wind up with me. Me coming to the realization 14 years later that I got married to have sex and not be alone, only to realize that I've had mediocre to bed sex, maybe occasionally good sex? but not frequently, and that I've basically been alone for 14 years.

And I cried.

And I cried.

And I cried.

And then I got angry. I got angry at myself. I got angry at myself for playing into the victim role. I could have stopped this. I had 14 years to stop this. And I did nothing. And it's my own fault. I played the victim perfectly. And I'm furious at myself for doing it. So I cried more.

Then I went to the grocery store and shopped for myself for the first time based on my own income and my own credit card. I'm going to need to reevaluate what I buy. And budget way lower. I spent much too much this week. I'll do better next week.

Basically I'm on a no spending budget. The exceptions are Saturday night for my day affer my birthday dinner with friends and then my vacation. All bets are off for my vacation. Until then, it's gonna be gas and groceries. And that's it. And that budget is $50 a week. I went over this week. But learning curve.

Anyway. All right my friends, I love y'all. I'm doing better today. 💖

ETA: WELP. Less better? Oooooh-kay. So.

B wanted to go out to eat. He offered to pay when I told him I didn't have money to spend. We had originally planned on going out to eat for our anniversary. Didn't happen. So, whatever, I go and put on makeup and dressin in nice jeans and flats and a cute raglan from The Gap I've never worn because I gained too much weight. Added some silver jewelry. I look super cute. He comes in wearing a blue tee-shirt with a parody teeshirt of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and red basketball shorts.

The place we had planned on going is nicer. Like they do flights of wine and brunch and yeah. It's casual but, the way I was dressed casual. He looked like he rolled out of bed. I asked him if he'd at least put on a nicer shirt and jeans or shorts. He complained that his ankle is hurting and he's too fat for his pants. I've seen him in jeans recently. He's just being an ass. But fine. I've been losing weight, he's been gaining weight. Legitimately a lot of his pants don't fit. But he looked like he could just care less. Even when I was at my heaviest, I put an effort into looking presentable even when my confidence was nil because that's what girls are forced to do. I ask for the same level of effort from him and it's too much trouble.

So I took some pictures of me looking cute while he took his scrubby looking butt to Subway. I still haven't eaten. I may not eat again today. I'm just not feeling it. I took a look at my finances and bills and let's just say it's pretty dire.

Splitting the bills I can manage and be able to pay down my credit card. On my own? Well, I'm basically screwed. If I only spend $100 a month on gas and groceries, I can pay $100 to my credit card. And I'm going to see about paying the card off sooner than later. Because on my own, I'll basically be breaking even each month. And that's getting rid of cable/internet because I'm on unlimited data for my phone and I'm still paying my phone off. Makes sense to keep the phone since I use it more, and get rid of house internet. But that's a future move. Until then, while I'm only paying half the bills, I'm going to pay down my credit card until it's paid off and then put money aside into savings. I've also started looking at lawyers. Because I think B will be happy to just ride this out. Forever. And I am not. I can't keep living like this. I can't keep this up, I'm ready to love my life. Ha. Typo. Live my life. But yeah, love my life. I'm tired of not loving my life. I'm tired of not living. I'm about to have a birthday, 40 is approaching, and I have nothing but regrets. I at least want my regrets to be memorable. Right now my regrets are that I haven't done anything TO regret. I'm ready. But I'm sincerely worried that I won't be able to afford a lawyer. I make too much even on a sliding scale. But my bills? Eesh. I don't know what I'm going to do.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6922, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Sun Sep 03, 2017 04:44 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-09-03 21:39:49
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-09-03 22:16:37
Okay, so despite the worry over finances, yesterday wasn't too bad. I haven't added in the little I'll get from teaching, so that'll make up the difference so if I am on my own, I'm not digging myself into debt.

I discovered I fit into my size 10 jeans and by the end of the month they'll fit really cute. But one pair is stretchy and you better believe I'm wearing them on my birthday. I posted some pictures to Twitter and felt pretty confident that I looked damn cute and Twitter agreed. And that was a nice boost.

I sent a card and a cup to a friend (the cup brand is the friend's name) and they got that yesterday and that made me really happy. I made their card and they loved it. It made them cry and yeah. That was pretty amazing to see how happy they were. And I'm going to craft another card for another friend.

I chatted with a new friend (a real life friend of Saint M's) who is going to have us and some other friends I've "met" (they all know each other) for potato soup and kitty cuddles. People are so lovely. I should make her a thank you card!

And I went with B to the grocery store and watched him spend nearly three times more than I did, which I won't even lie, satisfied the petty side of me. Yeah my dude. Groceries are expensive. And he didn't even buy all the things he usually has me buy for him. So muahahahahahhah. Oh the petty petty petty rejoicing.

Okay. One more thing. I don't recommend donating money to things unless I give to them as well. So everything below are causes I support. They are people I know and they support causes that need it. I understand if you can't give. But if you can, these are all good people and good causes.

This my very good friend and a ddner who was hit by Hurricane Harvey:
www.youcaring.com . . .

This is another very good friend's family who also lost everything due to Harvey:
www.gofundme.com . . .

This is my friend's Patreon, she's writing a post-apocalyptic book, set after a warhead has gone off and world war, The Second Law:
www.patreon.com . . .

This is another friend's Patreon, that talks about LGBTQIA+ in gaming:
www.patreon.com . . .

This dance company promotes LGBTQIA+ dance without gender stereotypes:
www.ballez.org

And finally, if you're so inclined, my birthday is Friday... sumayah@dance.net I'd love a silly ecard. They don't cost a thing. 💖

ETA: random migraine out of nowhere. I am ovulating, and I haven't been eating much, and I am stressed. B wanted to walk, so we walked. And he joked about getting a white kitten. I told him absolutely not. I told him if he wanted a white kitten he could have one in his own apartment after he served me with papers. That his choice was me or a white kitten. And as we walked in silence, I'm sad to say I kept thinking, please choose the white kitten. And I wondered if he was thinking the same. It was so nice. He was gone all day and he's going to be gone all day tomorrow. I'm so excited. Oh, I did fix a half a grilled cheese and took a ketorolac and drank some coffee and cream. My head still hurts. I want to scoop my eye out.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6922, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Wed Sep 06, 2017 12:12 PM



I bought myself a birthday present. How often does Green Day play on your birthday, in your town? Plus, lawn seats were inexpensive. Including all processing fees, it was just over $40. That's tickets and parking y'all. And I keep a blanket in my car, I'm just sayin'.

I asked B if he wanted to go. I had already bought my ticket hours ago. I knew he didn't. I thought I'd be nice and ask instead of say, whatever, I'm going to a concert on my birthday, screw you dude. So I eased into it, "heyyyyy wanna see Green Day on my birthday tickets are cheap?" And he predictably said no. So I said "okaaaa y imma get meeeeee a ticket then wheeeeeee." Later he was all, "yeah, Friday I get off at 5pm and just want to come be at home. So you're not going to be home?" (all butthurt like) "Nah, I'm going to the concert." "Well Green Day isn't a band I'd want to see anyway." Yeah. I know. To be fair, I'm not sure I can name a band he would want to go see with me. In 14 years we've been to zero concerts together. Eventually I realized that if I wanted to see live music I was going to have to go alone. So I did. And I do. I've done that for a while now. This is yet another one of those things where we are not at all alike and do not share any commonality.

But like, my dude, it's my birthday. I'm not going to sit at home with you. More specifically, I'm not going to sit at home while you sit in your office playing video games and watching the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Teen Titans Go! just so you aren't alone. Forget that nonsense. I'm going to do what I want.

I'm going to see about scheduling a massage for Saturday. I have a gift card I haven't used and that sounds like the perfect day to use it. Hopefully I haven't waited too long and there's openings. If not, c'est la vie. If not, I'll go down to Mozart's and have a coffee and tart and sit by the water and read or recruit my sister and maybe scheme.

We're going to Trudy's on Saturday night so it will be a girl's night of Tex-Mex and Mexican martinis and I am looking forward to it! I miss my friends!

B and I are going to try to go out to dinner on Thursday. Huh. We'll see how that goes. I'm not holding my breath. He seems to want to. He's willing to try to put on pants, especially after I mentioned the years of squeezing into clothing that I've had to do for him. But yeah, I'm definitely not holding my breath. If it happens, that's cool. If it doesn't, well, whatever.

But yeah, so you guys, just a friendly reminder, stupid ecards to sumayah@dance.net on Friday would be kind of cool... And while I'm still open to "help fund Sumayah's vacation" by subtly saying, hey that address is also my PayPal, there's also a whole list of folks who could use help more than me listed in the post directly above so, yeah.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces (karma: 1)
By hummingbird Comments: 10435, member since Mon Apr 18, 2005
On Thu Sep 07, 2017 10:20 AM
Happy Birthday Sumayah!!!

Here's pixelated cake and flowers for you.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6922, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Fri Sep 08, 2017 10:12 AM
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! TODAY IS A GOOD DAY! YAAAA Y!!!!

Thank you Hummingbird! <3

I went out to dinner with B and he treated me to dinner. I had a flight of Malbecs and a Mediterranean pizza and we split a key lime pie and oh man. It was the best food I've had in a while. Concert tonight. Massage and dinner with the girls tomorrow. Hells yeah.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6850, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Fri Sep 08, 2017 11:07 AM
Hope you have a wonderful day, evening, weekend, and year to come.

Hugs.
oxxoxo

Keep On Dancing*

ps... be sure to check the "Holidays" board before the day is over. xoxo
www.dance.net . . .

Comment #10247701 deleted
Removed by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-09-10 13:23:11 I only thought I had the pictures rightway up. Gonna try again!

re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6922, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Sun Sep 10, 2017 04:04 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-09-10 19:33:42
1) B took me out for a pre-birthday dinner to The Grove and I had a Malbec flight with a Mediterranean pizza. It was absolutely delicious.
2) We then shared the best Key Lime Pie I've ever had.
3) When I got home I open a box from Saint M and inside were stickers! Dragon Age stickers and this was one which she also sent as a teeshirt which I wore to Green Day. Also, not pictured she made me a Voodoo doll of a heinous Dragon Age character and let's just say she has some pins in her right now.
4) And there were buttons!! The two round buttons came from Planned Parenthood and now live in my car with my other life defining cool buttons. The Kind button will go on my jacket. It's from Penzey's spices. Saint M said they did a lot for the march in Washington in January and are doing relief efforts in Florida and Texas and they just opened a store locally near her. In the picture they're all pinned on a bag from a library she sent as well. 📚
5) My birthday cake at work. I dumped a load of rainbow sparklie sanding sugar over the top of it because it was boring.
6) GREEN DAY
7) Post concert
8) Two new bracelets. 💙💚 The left one is a friendship bracelet from Saint M and the one on the right is a much needed reminder from Naoise. She said she saw and knew I needed it. It's a good visual that even when I frequently doubt myself, y'all don't. I have people behind me believing in me and that's pretty huge. So I'll be wearing it all the time.
9) I went out to dinner with friends and my friend Librarian M brought me a bouquet from her garden. It's a mix of fresh flowers and fresh herbs and basil is my favorite scent. Such a bright and beautiful bouquet
10) My friends A&A bought me an original signed print by Brian Froud of concept work from Labyrinth. It's one of 40. I was just... I almost cried. I'm going to look into getting it matted and framed tomorrow.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6922, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Wed Sep 13, 2017 03:01 PM
I sent an email to a law office to get information. Divorce information.

I was in another wreck last night. My fault. No getting around it. Good chance Fia is totaled. I'm pretty sick about it. I can't even get her in until Tuesday morning.

B however. If I've been waiting for a sign, a last push to get me to make a move, well guess what? This did it.

In 14 years of marriage, I've had exactly 2 wrecks that were my fault.

And they both happened this year, less than a mile apart, on the same road.

In 14 years.

Even before that I hadn't had a wreck that was my fault since I was a teenager.

But I've had two wrecks this year. Two wrecks. But we all know what year this has been for me. So yeah.

At 6:27pm I text him pictures of the damage and say "calling insurance now can't talk, I'm okay."

What would your response be?

By the way, my hood, bumper, headlight assembly, and left front panel will need to be replaced and I can't open my driver's side door.

"Are you sure? Do I need to come get you? Call me as soon as you can and let me know you're all right."

"What do you need? Can I help?"

"Oh no, I am so sorry. Call me and let me know you're really okay. I love you. Are you okay to drive?"

His response?

At 6:30pm he responds, "What happened?"

At 7:10pm he responds, "Is your car driveable?"

FORTY MINUTES LATER.

Meanwhile, I file my claim and then I leave and drive home. I call and talk to him on the way (I have hands free in my car). So I'm actually talking to him in the 40 minutes between those texts. While we're on the phone he lectures me about follow distance and how cars aren't disposable and how I need to stop hitting people.

Because I don't feel bad enough as it stands.

Because I don't know this.

Because I am not fully aware that this is all going to be my fault.

That my insurance rates are about to go through the roof.

That I owe nearly 10K on my car I've only made three payments on.

That if Fia is totaled I'm basically screwed.

Yes I have gap insurance.

But I'm so screwed if she's totaled.

And really I just needed some kindness and love.

I know I screwed up and I am well aware of how bad it is. I'm paying for it. Literally. Me.

And he could not be kind. He could not be loving. He just kept saying, "You gotta stop hitting people. You need more follow room."

Yeah, no shit Sherlock.

MAYBE NOW ISN'T THE TIME.

He kept saying that over and over.

I hung up on him in the car. When I got home he kept it up. Kept lecturing me on how irresponsible I am. He finally went in his office and shut the door because it was giving him a migraine. I'm sobbing my eyes out. Sitting on the floor. In a ball. Sobbing. I know how bad it is.

He had zero kindness for me.

And that was it. That was the final straw.

And I sent an email looking for details on divorce proceedings and fees at lunch. Because I deserve to be treated better than that. An empty house would have been better than that. I'm more upset and angry over how he treated me than I am over my car and I'm so scared shitless that my car is totaled. I'm livid about B. I told Saint M that I kinda hate him. And I do. I really, really do.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6850, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Wed Sep 13, 2017 07:18 PM
I am so sorry.

Mostly, I am glad you weren't hurt.

This is why God invented insurance companies. I promise this will all work out.

As to B.... well, I almost wrote this a few posts ago but decided to control myself but now....well....frankly, he is behaving like an ass.

I don't know why men do this, but I know far too many that do. I am not making excuses for him, really, I'm not, but when I was a younger wife my friends and I came up with a stupid theory.

Basically, it goes like this:

1) The "X" chromosome is larger than the "Y" (this is a fact....)
2) Because it is larger, it is able to hold more genetic information than the "Y" (also a fact, this is why birth defects are more prevalent among baby boys)
3) Since this is the structure of the "Y" it is helpful to view it not as a "Y" but rather as an "X" amputee.(artistic license meets biology)
4) (This part is NOT fact...we figured this out on our own..)The attributes required to react appropriately under pressure.... compassion, reason, logic, balance..... all located on the amputated "leg", are not available when those with "Y" need them most.

NOT MAKING EXCUSES.... and I am not a man hater...but honestly..... he is acting like a sullen child, a testosteroney (not a word, but yeah....)mammal without the ability to think with his heart or his brain, but only with raw biochemicals like adrenaline.

I am really sorry he seems incapable of rising to the occasion. I am really sorry he seems incapable of rising to too many occasions of late.
I am really sorry he seems UNWILLING to be capable.

And mostly, I am really sorry to be saying any of this.

~
~
~
I hope you are able to take a long soak in the tub, manage to get some sleep, and manage to shut out his mindless scolding. (I always want to ask people who behave this way, "Do you expect that this will help?" Seriously... it is helping NO ONE...not even him....which sadly, seems to be the only person he thinks about lately...and again, sorry for the unflattering observation.

Hang in there Doll... things will get better.

I know you're not a believer these days, but I am, so I will pray for your peace, your success, and your happiness.

YOU ARE LOVED!

xoxo

Keep On Dancing*
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6850, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Wed Sep 13, 2017 08:47 PM
Edited by Christine (207347) on 2017-09-13 20:49:42 try again
Image hotlink - 'https://kismatandkarma.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/george-carlin.jpg'

More hugs
xoxo
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces (karma: 1)
By kandykanePremium member Comments: 16426, member since Mon May 01, 2006
On Wed Sep 13, 2017 10:23 PM
It's a car. It can be replaced. Pricey, maybe so, but they can't eat you. (This, coming from the woman whose daughter has had us on high risk insurance for FOUR stinkin' years.) You, meanwhile, precious girl. You are ok. That's the important thing. The rest is just details. Don't let it overwhelm you. Just breathe and take it one step at a time. You'll get through it.

And if someone told me I needed to "stop hitting people" my first reaction might be to hit him over the head.

Hugs, dear.

kk~
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6922, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Thu Sep 14, 2017 09:49 AM
I love y'all.

Thank you for your support. This isn't the way I wanted to go, but it's the way I need to go.

I recognize that this is going to be hard. I'm going to be emotionally bruised and my heart is going to have more scars and wounds. But I was telling Naoise last night that I've been delaying against really considering a divorce and I've really been trying to work it out because I'm not sure emotionally I'm ready to go through a divorce.

I'm still adapting to being on an antidepressant and the daily migraine preventive, as well as healing my adrenals. I've made progress, absolutely, but I've got a lot of healing to go. I've done a number on my body. So if I'm real honest with myself, emotionally I'm pretty fragile still. I'm not handling stress like I should be. The ragweed is up and my allergies are going nuts and my body is responding to the alergies and stress by producing a cold sore on my lip (thanks random relative or person who kissed me as a small child and passed that along). But that's a definite immune system malfunction. It just shows that my body is struggling right now.

But I told Naoise that for as much as I don't think I'm emotionally ready to put myself through a divorce, after his reaction to me getting in wreck, I'm not sure I'm emotionally capable of staying in this marriage. That was pretty damning.

I asked her who does that? Who responds that way? Certainly not a husband who loves you. Not a friend. Not even a halfway decent roommate. Her response was someone with a damaged connection to you. And that's it exactly. Our connection is damaged.

Spoiler: Show
N: You two are each right for somebody. I just don't think it's each other. And you have a lot of years left that you could be spending much more happily. But it's going to take a while to get there. But getting there is the battle and I don't think you are going to lose it. Come out hrusufed and bloodied. Sure. Possibly. Probably. But victorious.

Me: Yeah. It's scary. I know it will be for the best. Because I refuse to end up like my parents. Trapped in a loveless marriage of duty.

N: Marriage is a big deal, for sure. But sometimes we get it wrong and that has to be ok.

Me: And it was fine for a while. And then I grew as a person. And he didn't. Or he did but he grew into a person that's not parallel or perpendicular to me.

N: *hug*

Me: It will work out. It's going be painful. And bloody. But it will work out. The universe is practically screaming at me at this point.

And when I say the universe is screaming at me, I mean it. My boss at the studio only know about the car, not about B texted me this last night: All will be amazing 💛. Trust the universe. ✨

So yeah. Yeahhhhhh.

Tuesday I take my car in at 8am and hope that Fia is fixable. Then at 1pm I meet with a lawyer to get info. At this point I'm just getting all my ducks in a row. I don't have to do anything but I need to know my options and costs. And I know that I will want a lawyer on my side because I know B, I know he'll bully and get nasty before it's over. And I need someone who's got my back. As much as I want my freedom, I'm also taking Saint M's advice, I'm not going to just give up everything to get it over with. I will regret that later. And a lawyer will ensure that we both get what we're owed from 14 yrs of marriage. Because I don't want to leave him without, we're clearly done, and we're right on the verge of sheer resentment, but I do want him to be happy. So this will make sure that things are done to both of our benefit.

So yeah. There we go.

Love y'all.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces (karma: 1)
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 11335, member since Sun Nov 23, 2003
On Thu Sep 14, 2017 10:06 AM
Edited by TheMidlakeMuse (78507) on 2017-09-14 10:09:32
Sumayah wrote:

He finally went in his office and shut the door because it was giving him a migraine.


Ah yes. Because he's the real victim in all of this. :? What an utterly selfish way to respond.

I'm sorry, love. You know I'm here for you. And let me just say...as hard as this divorce has been for me, I never expected to feel so free and happy as I do now. I know I'm not going home every night to negativity, resentment and anger and that lifted a huge cloud from my life. I honestly believe it'll be the same way for you.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6922, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Thu Sep 14, 2017 10:18 PM
GUYS.

I NEED TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE MOST RIDICULOUS CONVERSATION THAT JUST HAPPENED.

So B complained of feeling sick. I ask why. (I don't know, even through everything the part of me that doesn't activately despise him still loves the guy.) And he tells me he's still upset from Tuesday. I immediately think he means me and the car. Oh ho, silly girl, I should know better. Not this particular narcissist.

So he proceeds to tell me about his Very Bad Day on Tuesday.

Oh buckle up. THIS IS A DOOZY OF A DAY AND TOTALLY EXPLAINS WHY HE ACTED THE WAY HE DID TOWARDS ME.

So he has this account on the other side of town - at least an hour or more away from where we live, definitely more in traffic. He's been thinking of dropping this account anyway, but they've been his clients for a long time. So he gets there - he's a professional housekeeper, remember - and unloads his equipment and starts to clean. When he gets to the kitchen he finds a note the basically reads, "Hey B, pay more attention to the kitchen floor," and there's a dirty paper towel from where they wiped the floor to show him what they meant.

GASP AND HORROR!

ALL THE OH NOES!!

A LETTER!?

Well. That did it. It made him so hurt and angry that he cleaned for a little longer, packed his stuff, texted the person and said that he didn't appreciate being left notes like that and to find a new housekeeper.

He's still sick to his stomach about their insensitivity today.

He didn't even mention the wreck. He said that had one of them been home, he wouldn't have quit, but because they left that letter, it gave him the out he was looking for anyway. That if they hadn't been mean, he would have stayed. I agreed ironically.

But yeah. So it turns out that he had had a Very Bad Day on Tuesday and that's why he went off on me after the wreck.

Which honestly? Makes it worse. Knowing that he had a Bad Day, excuse me Very Bad Day, and took it out on me when I was literally hurt and vulnerable? That's inexcusable. At least before I thought he was just an insensitive, narcissistic asshole. Now? Now I know that he felt bad about his day so he was using that against me, intentionally. That instead of turning it off and going oh no, this is bigger than my problems, let me put myself aside and help her deal with this first, he turned his vitriol on me when I was already feeling small and angry at myself and proceeded to berate and make me feel worse. No apology. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong. I would have to confront him for him to apologize and even then he'd turn it back on me by saying "but actually..." and no. Nope. No no no.

So yeah. His Very Bad Day was him quitting a job because they left him a note. Oh and wanna know why, according to B, the floor is dirty? Because she has a friend over with a small dog who tracks in dirt. It's not him. Nope. He's blameless. So if they want their floor to stay clean they need to stop inviting this friend over.

Wow right? Way to pass the blame. He cannot own up to anything. Ever. Nothing is ever his fault. He will not own blame.

So yeah.

Yeah.

Somewhere in his mind he justified lecturing me about getting in wreck and leaving me alone to cry it out. He left me alone. So it was my friends who haven't even met me yet telling me it's going to be okay, that it's only a car, that I'm safe. Asking if my head, my neck, my back, fingers and toes and joints are all right. It was friends who know me through words I type on a screen asking if I'd eaten yet, drunk enough water, taken an anti-inflammatory yet. It was my friends who don't even live here telling me that even if the car is totaled, we'll figure something out, that that's what friends are for. Meanwhile my husband upon lecturing me, and after I started yelling at him because I wasn't putting up with it (I had hung up on him in the car before too) and he "couldn't take it" because it was giving him a migraine, retreated to his office and closed the door so he and his Very Bad Day could play video games and not be distracted by my crying, alone, in the living room.

So yeah.

And today he's acting like nothing happened.

And today I'm reminding myself that I'm worth more than this. Because he's not even acknowledging that he acted in the wrong. He's not acknowledging it because he doesn't realize he did anything wrong. And that's not okay. Because I've told him before. I've called him out on it before. We've had the Whipping Boy conversation where he does not get to use me and emotionally hurt me because his day was bad. We've been there and done that. And that's a deal breaker. We've talked about it before. I've made explicitly clear that I will not tolerate him treating me that way.

And that makes me feel better now about following my gut and contacting a lawyer. Because that wasn't an overreaction. That was an appropriate reaction. Because he's treated me that way before AND I'VE CALLED HIM ON IT. But I was already so upset, I didn't realize what he was up to. So that's my boundary crossed. We just found my deal breaker.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6922, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Fri Sep 15, 2017 11:01 PM
In the ongoing saga of the universe telling me, nay, grabbing me by my very shoulders and shaking me while earnestly reprimanding me everytime my brain goes "but do I reallll y want to do this? It's not so bad is it?" let me tell you the story of tonight.

Let's have another round tonight.

Raise a glass to the four of us! Tomorrow there'll be more of us! Telling the story of tonight....

So B and I go to the grocery store. Upon his request, we each do our own shopping separately. So I take my basket and shop. Okay. Whatevs.

I finish up and check out, better this week. Although last time I made my groceries stretch for two weeks so, honestly not bad Suma. In the car he gets annoyed that I trolling through Twitter because I'm clearly part Millennial along with Gen X and I can multitask and look at cat pictures and carry on a conversation. But he gets all butthurt, so I put away my phone and give him my attention.

Dear universe, your right he's jealous and narcissistic. Point taken.

We shop. I finish first and go back to the car and load my stuff. He shows up a few minutes later and gets annoyed because I didn't wait. He needed to move stuff around first. So I go grab a cart, take my stuff out, let him shift things and load his stuff, shove my things back in, and fling the cart into the corral.

Dear universe, I get it, if anything inconveniences him IN THE SLIGHTEST he makes a BIG DEAL about it like a child. Okay okay.

We're almost home and he says, "I understand needing a ride but my nerves can't take having people in close proximity. Do you understand?"

Deat universe, right. Got it. LOUD AND CLEAR.

That's why we did our own shopping, having me near him shopping is overwhelming. Having me in the car with him upsets his nerves. He can't take having people in his bubble of space which is why we went grocery shopping at 10pm.

All I could think in the car is don't worry, it won't be this way for long. You'll be free of me soon.

I'd like to think that maybe we could be friends but I already know that once the divorce is final, he'll block me and cut me out of his life like I never existed. And probably talk bad about me. But oh well. And frankly, I'm not sure I'd want to be his friend at this point. :/ He sure isn't my friend now. He can barely remain in the same vehicle as me.

So yeah. I'll get more answers Tuesday, but I'm more and more sure I'm going to go ahead with it.

Raise a glass to freedom, something they can never take away.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6850, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Sat Sep 16, 2017 09:47 AM
Edited by Christine (207347) on 2017-09-16 09:48:28 typo


Of course I have more to say....(Don't I always?)

But for now....

Keep On Dancing*
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6922, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Tue Sep 19, 2017 02:32 PM
Okay. So, I have a plan.

I'm hoping that by January I can have enough saved up enough to actually file for divorce.

I would like to have the $3500 retainer fee set aside, but if I can just have the $2900 flat fee, then at least I can proceed.

That's a lot of money.
Spoiler: Show
I make about $1800 after taxes, give or take. Here's my bills:
1/2 Home loan: $525.62
car loan: $159.55
car insurance: $83.97 (this WILL go up)
phone: $129.27
B loan repayment: $300 (1/5)
1/2 cable/internet $72.75
1/2 water: $114.19 (Aug)
1/2 electric $88.04 (Aug)
1/2 gas $12.39 (Aug)
TOTAL: $1485.78

$312.22 left over for groceries and gas.

And because of the wreck, and my birthday and just life, my credit card bill is going to be way over $1000 this month. Renting a car is expensive. Deductibles are expensive.

I don't know how I'm going to do this.

I can't afford to get divorced. I don't have $1000 to set aside a month. I just don't.

Well shit.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By kandykanePremium member Comments: 16426, member since Mon May 01, 2006
On Wed Sep 20, 2017 12:53 PM
Do you have a friend or family member who would let you stay with them for a while? That way you could move out, even if you did not file right away.

And if I may ask, how much does he bring in? You surely know that Texas is a community property state. In a divorce all assets are 50/50. Same as debts.

kk~
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6922, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Wed Sep 20, 2017 01:17 PM
The house is mine.

Straight up.

It was my mom's inheritance money that she used to build the house with and she gifted me the fully paid for house, which I lived in prior to meeting B. My maiden name is the only name on the deed. He has no claim to the house at all.

Separate property is property you had prior to marriage, property you acquired as a gift, and property you acquired through inheritance. Separate property remains your property after divorce.


We checked the property records and his name isn't listed on a deed anywhere. So if his name was on a deed he could argue that I had "gifted" him half the property but his name isn't on the deed anywhere where so he has no claim to it.

There are cheaper divorce options that I'm looking into, but

Okay. I can't talk about this right now.

I just heard back about my car. She going to be totaled.

$5061.17 is the estimate.

I owe $9571.52 on the car.

It's not worth that much.

I'm... I'm so screwed.

I feel sick.
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