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re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces (karma: 2)
By kandykanePremium member Comments: 16430, member since Mon May 01, 2006
On Wed Sep 20, 2017 05:53 PM
Is it possible for you to tap into the equity on your house? It sounds like you might could do this without his signature.

I'm so sorry about your car :(

kk~
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Thu Sep 21, 2017 06:54 PM
If you pray to a deity, pray. I need a miracle.

Fia is borderline totaled. Like $300 more (including the parts and labor) and she'll be done. They did a tear down to see if there was further damage beyond the 5k estimate but if there is...

Just any good energy, any good thoughts, any prayers I'll take.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6870, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Fri Sep 22, 2017 09:02 AM
Image hotlink - 'https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/9/99/Minerva_logo.gif'

AKA..."The Goddess of Automobiles"


Fingers crossed.... if anyone deserves a miracle, YOU DO!

xoxo

Keep On Dancing*
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces (karma: 1)
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Fri Sep 22, 2017 11:06 AM
THEY ARE GOING TO FIX HER.

She squeaked in at $198.30 additional damages. 15-18 days to fix her, but I'll be on vacation for some of that, so that's okay. Renting a car is expensive but not as expensive as a new car.

I AM SO RELIEVED AND HAPPY YOU GUYS.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces (karma: 1)
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 11338, member since Sun Nov 23, 2003
On Fri Sep 22, 2017 11:34 AM
THIS IS SUCH GOOD NEWS I AM BURSTING AT THE SEAMS FOR YOU. Gaaahhh. I actually squealed when I read it. Fia will be back in no time!
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Sun Sep 24, 2017 12:40 AM
Spoiler: Show
Saint M: This is some sociopathic bullshit going on. This isn’t just bad sex. This is abuse.

Me: Abuse seems a little much, he's a controlling narcissist, absolutely, and I've gone along with it because I frankly didn't have any other frame of reference. Or as I said, up until this year, up until I started antidepressants, I've had no worth to stand up for myself, so, yeah.

Saint M: I’m not saying it’s sexual abuse, it might be.

Me: No, I know, you're talking psychological.

Saint M: But it’s definitely emotional abuse. [....] Like that ain’t even a thin line.


Conclusion? I need to find a way to somehow get health insurance (before, you know, the republicans just completely makes it worthless) and I need to get myself to a therapist. Because I've been sorta having these AHA! moments where I'm just realizing what I've actually been dealing with, above and beyond anything I write in here.

And I had texted her and she wasn't by her phone and that was sort of perfect because I just needed to talk and process. Talk about things I'm not able or comfortable talking about here, just because ddn is ddn. So I just sort of rambled and let my brain decompress all this stuff and words came tumbling out, things I didn't mean to say, things I haven't admit to anyone at all, things I've barely allowed myself to acknowledge. And suddenly there they were. Sent.

And that conversation transpired. And I sat for a moment and went, well, hell, that's not what I expected to hear. But fair point. B is a master manipulator, and a top level blame shifter, along with being a self-absorbed narcissist. So I know I've fallen prey to his emotional machinations before. I'll realize the next day and feel stupid for having fallen for a Jedi mind trick. But emotional or psychological abuse isn't that far a line to cross if we want to be honest. And given some of his recent behavior, he's swerving across it on the regular.

It also made me realize, after Saint M had received all this mental vomit from me and responded in the most generous and loving way (and that's not sarcasm, after she worked all day, was exhausted, in the middle of fixing dinner she made time to basically be like, hey I'm always here for you, you're my fam, I love you, and you deserve so much more than this and I know you'll make that happen) that I am shaking loose a lot of pent up and closely guarded feelings and thoughts, these are things that I don't need to be dropping on my friends, no matter if they're my family I've chosen or my best friend. The stuff that I'm now starting to come to terms with is stuff I need to lay a professional to help me sort through. But I didn't realize how heavy it all was until it was there and sent.

Anyway.

I need therapy.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Sun Sep 24, 2017 11:43 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-09-25 09:38:59
B doesn't know what's up but he knows something is wrong. He's being nice-nice and touchy and concerned.

Nope.

Do not want.

Image hotlink - 'https://media2.giphy.com/media/dzGtumDOJEpaw/giphy.gif'

Thanks but no thanks, don't call us, we'll call you. Whereas I was firmly undecided before, I know what needs to be done, and I am impatiently waiting to be able to do it. I've decided that when I get Fia back, we're going to have a come to Jesus and I'm going to give him my letter. And we'll go from there.

I'll find the money somehow. I'll find a cheaper lawyer. There are resources. But at this point, there is so much at stake - personally. If I want to have any sense of self, and feeling of self-worth, I have to do this. That's what it's come down to.

Either I have the ovaries to stand up for myself and recognize that my personhood is important and valid and I deserve to be happy or I shut up and I lock my diary and I accept that I will never be good enough, never meet his standards, and he'll always be threatening to leave me because of it.

That's it. Woman up or accept that I can't.

And I think every single one of you reading this diary, especially if you've followed me through multiple diaries, you know what I've put up with - his sister living with us briefly, his mother!!!, how I've been walked on - allowed myself to be walked on - how very, sincerely and deeply depressed I've been for a very, very long time and you know that now that I'm here and I'm standing my ground and I'm ready to fight. There's no backing down.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Mon Sep 25, 2017 10:11 PM
Dr. G: So where are you going on your vacation?

Me: Pittsburgh. I'm visiting friends.

Dr G: Is B going with you?

Me: Nah, he's staying here.

Dr. G: Are y'all getting divorced?

An eon passes. Kingdoms rise and fall. Technologies are discovered and then lost to time eternal.

Dr. G: You don't need to answer that, it's none of my business.

Me: I'm not going to answer that.

Me: But I don't know? We've talked about it? Well, I've talked about it. Well, if it happens it's going to be a surprise to him. It's that obvious?

Coworker shouting from the other room: We support you!

Soooo it's that obvious. Coworker said that she's noticed a change in me over the past 6 months. Let's count back six months shall we? That would be the end of March? Beginning of April? Right when the Lexapro kicked into effect? Hmm hmm hmm. Right when my depression receded back far enough that I've gained enough self worth back and enough self confidence to believe that I deserve to fight for myself? They don't know about the Lexapro. But let me tell you, I'm able glad to have me back. Me. I've missed me. And I'm ready to kick some ass. Once I get Fia back, B amd me are gonna talk.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6870, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Tue Sep 26, 2017 11:26 AM
Sumayah wrote:

... I will never be good enough, never meet his standards, and he'll always be threatening to leave me because of it.


I try to keep my comments to a minimum....and yes, if you look over the several years of...his mother, yes, to name just one, I don't always hold to that rule....


BUT.....

This crap of threatening to leave you if you don't do exactly what he thinks you should do ....especially as it applies to choices that are YOURS to make....

This is the TACTIC OF A BULLY.....

Just because 35% of this country seems to be committed to ignorance and genuflects to a bully (politics...sorry....) doesn't mean you have to.

It's bad for souls.... ALL SOULS....

Yours

His

Everyone.

There is another choice, of course....HE COULD CHANGE....

But you can't make him

Next time he threatens to leave you, walk to the front door, hold it open and say, "Please do."

Enough is enough.

Sorry....


sorry...

really sorry.


Hugs xoxo

Keep On Dancing*
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Thu Sep 28, 2017 05:46 AM
I. Am. On. Vacation!!!

Saint M is lovely. And comfortable. Like, we sort of just fell in (especially after beers) as though this were not our first time meeting in real life, but like we've known each other in person for ages. Also, I drank maybe a stupid amount of coffee and beer yesterday and maybe like 4oz of water so I am a bit hungover this morning. Or so the slight dry mouth and little bit of a headache would allude to. But it's all right.

The biggest issue I have is the I-can't-sleep-in-not-my-bed where I've been sorta asleep and sorta awake and yeah. Allegedly I got almost 3hrs of sleep but I was conscious for a lot it. I fake light sleep easily. But I was resting at least.

I've decided that my inability to sleep in strange beds just means I need to travel more. Because clearly that's the solution.

Alright beautiful people, I love you, I'm going to go get my tattoo today. It's sort of symbolic of a lot of things for me. My depression. My inner storms. My fight. My determination. And kind of a screw off to B. My body. My personhood. I will do what I want.

I will post a pic of it. Maybe. We'll see. I might keep it private. It is going to be on my ribs. Food first!
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By hummingbird Comments: 10442, member since Mon Apr 18, 2005
On Fri Sep 29, 2017 09:01 AM
You have a great time!!!
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Sun Oct 01, 2017 10:11 PM
Things I have learned about myself while on vacation:

1) I fly better than I used to
2) I am an extreverted introvert
3) My demons are still extremely present and accounted for
4) I'm scared
5) There are a lot of amazing and lovely folks out there
6) Blackout drunk Suma is surprisingly responsible
7) I still don't get really bad hangovers
8) Friends also put themselves in very uncomfortable positions for you
9) Love is amazing

#relationshipgoals

Okay I'll explain more about what stuff means later. But now I need sleep. I gotta catch a plane home tomorrow and then not people for like a month. Love you all.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Mon Oct 02, 2017 06:11 AM
I had a major panic/anxiety attack.

Like stop the music. This was bad.

We got back to the house and my anxiety, which normally just chills out with a newspaper and a cup of coffee in my brain, had been triggered by noise and tight spaces earlier. I am such a cat.

Can we talk about my stupid anxiety for a hot minute? I am all in depression girl. We know this. I am not anxiety girl. My anxiety isn't really a Big Deal most of the time. But occasionally it takes off racing like a cat who was sleeping and now is running madly room to room only to stare at a spot on the ceiling eerily for like five minutes before bathing and then going back to sleep for hours. That's my anxiety. Guess what part of the scenario we're on?

So yeah, we make it back to the house and Saint M's roomies are having a party and people are showing up and I'm just exhausted. We both need some down time, so I go up to my room and pull off my shirt so my tattoo can breathe and promptly (unintentionally) fall asleep. She comes up to keep me company and escape some of the noise, but in the like 10? 15? minutes we've been home I'm already out. But I'm only very lightly napping, I pull clothes on and lay in bed while she works on her story.

But I can hear everyone.

And my cat is awake.

She eventually goes downstairs to get food and see her friends and be personable. And I tell her I'll be down in a bit.

And that when it happens. My cat starts madly dashing from room to room in my brain. And it's overwhelming. Just everything. It all hits me at once.

I first start thinking about Saint M. Because she's lovely. Y'all don't understand how sweet her relationship with her SO is. Is makes my heart happy. Legitimately. But that does it. I realize that I want that. That. Not her. That. I want what she has. Just the genuine care between them is so nice. It's not a big deal, it's warm and gentle and goofy and thoughtful. And suddenly I'm crying. No. Crying is too nice, I'm sobbing.

And then I'm thinking how on earth am I going to do this? How I am going to afford a divorce? At this point, there's no other option. Because I deserve to be in a relationship that doesn't bring on a panic attack when observing someone else's relationship. But how am I going to do it? How am I going to tell him? The fear in my throat sobbed out angry, quiet cries, almost to the point of hyperventilating. I stopped myself first. Because I've been down that path and it's not a good path.

But with the cat racing frantically around my brain, up and over the furniture, knocking over lamps, my demons, who are only ever locked away with some heavy books on top of an old chest were given clearance to come out. And did they. They came out with a vengeance.

I've been so much better. I've been making myself be positive about myself and my future. Not allowing those gross demons hold. Stacking heavier and heavier books on the that trunk. Occasionally one somehow escapes, but one or two can be dealt with and my stupid brain is stupid and awful. But this was all of them. Every last one. And they descended on my headspace and saw how fragile I was and just latched their greasy fingers into my pysche and rooted down.

Every single lonely emotion surfaced. Every isolated friendless childhood emotion came crashing down on my head. Every moment of watching K makeout while I drank alone, next to her, at bars came back like a suckerpunch. Every moment of well, I guess this is my one chance of having someone came back to me as I thought about discarding the one, single human who ever bothered to want me enough to make an effort. But I can't stay. And then all that loneliness was a wave that crashed on my head.

Who will want you now?

No one. You're a broken mess. No one wanted you then, no one will want you now.

That's what the demons in my head whispered while the cat stared at them from the side of the room.

And that was around the time Saint M came to check on me.

I'm sitting in bed, shaking, crying, barely able to communicate. That's how she found me. Hell, I'm crying now just writing this out. Current me hurts for Friday night me. She sat down with me and let me cry on her shoulder. I'm so stiff. I'm not used to kindness like that. I don't give, I pull away away. I'm not used to anyone being there for me when I'm that broken and in pieces. Just being cared for by someone who loves me was so different. And she was so loving and kind but also real with me. As I'm telling her everything, telling her about how I'm afraid I'm going to end up alone, she gently - gently - says something to the effect of "You're not special. We are all broken and damaged. Who's going to love you? I can think of like 10 people off the top of my head. And for that matter I love you." And I am just so full of anger and bile and hurt that I purposely and spitefully miss her point, "Yeah, as my friend, but that's not the love I'm looking for." And she called me out for being obtuse and I was being obtuse.

But my point stands, even if it was a bit willfully obtuse about it. I have good luck making friends. I love my friends and my friends love me back. But yeah, I want to be in love with someone. I want someone to be in love with me. And it doesn't have to be that overdramatic, sweep you off your feet love. I want to think about my partner and feel a warmth for them in my chest, just a bubble of happiness. I want to realize that our schedules don't sync up so I take ten minutes of my day to sit with them in the morning to just be with them. I want to have a moment of thoughtfulness toward them just because I love them. I want someone romantically in love with me enough to feel the same. To just want to be apart of the things I do. To find what I do interesting. Not to be jealous of the time I spend at the studio. Not to be so driven by money that the only justification for volunteering my time is if I get paid. (Which isn't volunteering.) I want that. And I have friend love. Saint M loves me. She's one of my best friends. She's my family. K loves me. She's my family. Cali loves me. She's my little sister. All my friends love me. But I want that romantic love, that gentle kiss or shared passion, that person to hold hands with, to share experiences with.

But anyway, Saint M talked my demons down, we got them back in the box, but they aren't real secure, I can tell. I still have a scratching in my brain. A demoralizing need to go "you are worth it" but I'm fighting. The cat is asleep. My anxiety is back to reading the paper and drinking coffee for the next 9 or 10 or however many months until the cat gets startled again. The demons are harder.

I fly back today. I touch on more stuff, but I've been thinking about this a lot since it happened and needed to process out what went on. My take aways are that when I'm offered a shoulder I need to be more bending and take it and that I love my friends and I'm sorry that I'm a mess, but yeah.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Mon Oct 02, 2017 06:00 PM
I fly better than I used to. I'm in the air, now, actually. I just left Pittsburgh and am flying to Chicago for a short layover before flying home to Texas.

My ear doesn't hurt near as much as I remember it hurting in times past. But that was a long time ago. 16 years ago.

I love Saint M. With my whole heart. I start crying every time I think about it. My eyes well with tears. Now even. I'm crying at 24,000 feet in the air because I sincerely love her. I held her hand and hugged her and kissed her cheek before I left. She calls me a goof to sort of take away the seriousness of it, but goddamn she holds a very special place in my heart. Hers is a friendship I didn't know I needed in my life. And one I am indebted to whatever Lovecraftian gods made possible.

Naoise. Oh man. Where do I even start? She is the loveliest human on this planet and I'm not sure I deserve her friendship. The point above about friends sacrificing their comfort for you? Yeahhhhhh. That was Naoise. My whole heart y'all. She has my whole heart. I love her so, so, so much. And I am so grateful to have these memories with her because her presence has legitimately made me a better human, and meeting her in real life, ahhh she's just a shining, beautiful soul and my heart needs her.

I know I'm gushing. But seriously, I met such stupendously amazing humans on my trip. So many beautiful souls. People who I've communicated with online, people who are good people, people who are so welcoming and generous and kind and supportive. The internet may be full of horrible folks, but I have the very good luck to meet some incredible people. People I will make a point to visit again when my own life isn't in such chaos and disarray. Because yeah, these folks are the best of people.

My trip was exhausting and amazing and just everything I needed and even my breakdown was a needed release. I could have done without my demons rampaging around my brain, those awful negative thoughts that tell me I'm not good enough, not enough, not wantable, not desirable, that no one will see me and want to spend their time on me. But we all know that's bullshit. So what if I'm two years from 40? Two of my patients are in their 80s and found love. There is a pretty girl out there who is similarly lost and lonely and we will meet. And she will be interested in my dance and not threatened or jealous of it. And I'll be interested in her life. And I'll want to spend time with her and she'll want to spend time with me. And we will drink wine together and read books and watch stupid tv shows and go out to restaurants and walk around downtown or go get coffee together. And it'll be nice and warm.

I want that so much.

But first things first. I have to get free. So now it's time to roll up my sleeves and get to work. It's time to be brave.

I am scared.

I am terrified.

But I am brave.

I'm not special.

I'm not the first woman to ask her husband for a divorce. My situation is not special or unique or unusual. Millions of women have gotten divorced.

I am brave.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces (karma: 2)
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Wed Oct 04, 2017 04:39 PM
I told him.

I told him Monday night I wanted a divorce.

He made it easy.

Spoiler: Show
Monday 6:48pm
Me: <picture of boarding pass> 10:39pm

B: But but but, if you come home, the orange kitten won't be mine anymore! :(

Me: Too bad so sad pick me up dammit.

B: If I don't, will they return you to Pittsburg?

(I'm not sure if he intentionally misspelled it but, um Pittsburgh. With an H.)

Me: No.

B: Are you sure? You may just need to write "return to sender" on your forehead. ;)

Me: I mean, we have a few papers to sign first, but we can make that happen.

B: I get the kitten!

Me: He's mine. I will lawyer up for the kitten.

B: :(

Me: Would you be willing to stop by [restaurant] or something on our way home?

B: Probably need to come straight home to sleep. Will be late and long work day tomorrow.

Me: Swing through [local fast food] or [other local fast food]? I can eat it at home.

Me: All right I am hitting the skies! See you in ATX!

B: Wait, will you be home tonight? I thought it was tomorrow night.

Me: No, tonight.

B: What airport?

Me: ABIA. There is no other airport.

Me: Bye! Taking off now. 10:39pm. I'll text when I'm there.

Monday 10:33pm
Me: We just landed, taxiing right now, let me know when you're circling. (10:33pm)

B: Here (10:37pm)

Me: Still taxiing :/ (10:37pm)

B: Status (10:46pm)
B: Status (10:47pm)
B: Status (10:48pm)

(I was in the bathroom)

Me: Coming. Just got off. (10:49pm)

B: If you are never driving to Arizone again, then I am never doing this again. Need sleep. Not okay. (10:49pm)

B: Too late. (10:50pm)
B: Not okay. (10:50pm)

Me: Seriously? Okay. Freck you too. I'll drive.
Me: I'll drive.

B: F bombs?
B: I am going home. You can walk. Won't take that.

Me: Okay. You do that.
Me: I'll find my own way home.

B: I'm here. Almost at A.

I got in the car, because I was tired and needed to be home. But I sorta regret it. We rode home in silence.

He went to bed, I went to take a shower. I turned on the space heater and walked out and said, "Just to make sure we're on the same page and I think we are, I want a divorce." And I turned and walked in and started prepping for my shower.

He came in and said, "That's fine, I'll need to save up before I can move out." He then left. He then came back and asked if I cheated on him in Pittsburgh. Nope. He kept asking questions throughout my shower. Then he got angry that I was blaming it all on him. Mmm. No, I'm clearly not blameless, but this is my side of the story so... *gestures idly*

I told him my feelings and how things had changed since the wreck, he then tried to justify himself by calling me a teenager, as though that gives him the right to treat me the way he does. I stayed super calm. I'm really at peace about this whole thing. And he definitely spared me any sort of compassionate reveal.

So, now it's time to get myself in gear and get the ball rolling.

Also, literally everyone is practically throwing confetti and cheering me on. I have so much support.

I told my parents and MY PARENTS WERE LIKE GOOD. MY DAD TOOK ME OUT TO LUNCH. So yeah. Yeahhhhhh. I'm going to be okay. For the first time I am saying that with a sincere conviction. I've got this.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Thu Oct 05, 2017 10:55 PM
We established some ground rules tonight. Since we're officially separated, I told him I'm not making it super public, but for him to tell who he needs so he has a support system. I also told him that while I'm planning on being single for a good long while, I need that for myself, if he wants to get on Tinder or dating sites or if he wants to go out and hook up with 20 year olds, that's fine, I don't care, but just don't bring anyone back to the house. Whatever happens, happens away from here. I don't want to know. We generally discussed splitting of things and selling of things. The damn pool table is going. I never wanted it. I knew we'd never use it, I was angry about it. It's a beautiful pool table. It's in my living room. His drums go away. I'm going to get my downstairs back. I'm super excited about that.

I just need to work on his timeline. He's saying 4-6 months to save enough to move out because he's self employed. I say no. January. We'll revisit that when he's not crying and emotional. Well, about the cats. Not about me or anything. The cats. He legitimately wants visitation. Of the cats. I'm not answering that one. That's a lawyer question. Also, he can get another cat. Of everything I'm giving up, Sir Pounce is mine.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Fri Oct 06, 2017 11:03 AM
I've made the decision to clear out of my office.

I'm going to have to eventually anyway, but I'm giving myself to the end of the month to move myself out of my office. I'm going to give him that space. That way he can move the mattress in there, start purchasing furniture, boxing up stuff. Have his own space besides his office.

We can't share a bedroom until we're divorced.

I'm going to check with some more lawyers before I decide on one. I've been level-headed up until now, so I won't make any rash decisions I will regret.

I have time, this isn't a race. I don't need to rush. Now that it's out in the open, we can work quietly and meaningfully towards the end goal. I am separated. I am not tied to him in a meaningful way. I don't need to check in. He is a roommate who shares the rent and pet responsibilities. His life is now his, my life is now mine.

It's just a little awkward yet. We need to divide space. That will help. Things are already better, just establishing intent. But yeah, I want to get this going and paperwork started. I want an end.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces (karma: 1)
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Wed Oct 11, 2017 11:34 PM
I thought I should check in. I uh, I got a lawyer. I'll be divorced before Christmas. I think I'm going to have to start a new diary at that point. Talk about closing a chapter.

My heart hurts.

We both know it's for the best. I think he's relieved. He never would have pulled the trigger, he would have suffered on in misery. I'm no martyr.

I'm okay. And I'm not. I'm excited. Terrified. Broke.

I'm going to ECCC. That's my Christmas/divorce/New Years/Spring Break/Valentine's present all to myself. Those tickets sold out so fast. I'm so glad I was able to get them. I had Cali in queue too and whoever made it first was gonna make it happen.

But between my vacation in Pittsburgh (which wasn't *that* expensive), my sister's birthday gift (cheapest seats to Eddie Izzard tomorrow night), getting health insurance (catastrophic until Dec 31, then major medical will kick in and the the catastrophic will go away), copay on my insurance for my car, renting a car for over a week out of pocket, missing classes because vacation, hiring a lawyer, and purchasing con tickets, I'm basically broke. Yeah, a lot of fun stuff. Several could-have-waited expenses. A bunch of all-my-fault expenses. But still, real broke. But you know what? I deserve to have fun. Even if I don't have the money right now. I spent too long wishing I could so now I am.

I'll be okay.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Sun Oct 15, 2017 11:11 AM
Things are weird.

Bizarre.

Surreal.

B tells me that I don’t need to avoid him and that we should spend some time together.

Like... my dude? Do you... do you not comprehend what’s happening? We’re getting divorced. I don’t want to spend time with you. I am zero percent invested in a relationship with you. I’m super not interested in anything besides general roommate consideration.

H’s such a narcissist.

He’s had trouble dealing with the divorce. He’s been mostly okay, except when he’s not. So this happened Thursday.
Spoiler: Show
Thursday 11:05am
B: And please ask that lawyer to email me ASAP. I am a little concerned you went to see a lawyer without talking to me first. That email would make me feel better and I am sure you would feel the same in my shoes.

Thursday 1:33pm

B: And I kinda need you to understand something. The last image I had of you before you went to Pittsburgh was you waxing. And I knew you weren't doing that for me.

B: Please understand how that made me feel and worry given that I knew your interest in Saint M. I am sorry for being so angry, but I still really wonder if there's more you aren't telling me. We are over and I would appreciate you being honest with me if something happened up there. My gut is screaming that something happened.

(Okay. I got angry. Like really, legitimately angry.)

Me: I was waxing for me.
Me: Literally nothing happened.
Me: What happened was that I realized that you were zero percent there for me after the wreck and I was done. So everything I've done since then has been for me. I waxed because I wanted to. I cut my hair because I wanted to. I hired a lawyer because I wanted to. These are things I've done to empower me. To make me feel better about myself. To give me my self esteem and personhood back.
Me: Because for a very long time I've been lost. And I'm finding my voice and I'm finding my feet. And it's going to take time before I find myself again. But I will.

B: That is not fair. I asked if I could help. I did ask if you needed anything. I was there dammit. I have done my best to take care of us and the house and the animals. I really am not okay with being vilified. I really don't understand why you are so upset with me. I was trying to be responsible!

Me: I know you can't fathom that I respect not only our marriage but my friend's relationship enough not to mess up either, but SHE. HAS. A. BOYFRIEND. I AM MARRIED. She's my best. friend. Until ALL those things change, nothing *will* ever happen between us. Even after we're divorced, she's STILL gonna have a boyfriend she loves very much.
Me: No, you were no not there. You checked out on me. Any time I need you, any time I actually NEED you, you are not there for me. Not emotionally, not physically. I take care of myself. So I'm done. There's no do overs. There's no save points. I cannot keep hoping that you will be the person I need you to be. And I know I am not ever going to be the person you need me to be.

B: And I was not holding you in a fog. I was holding things together while you were in a fog.
B: That is not fair and you know it.

Me: B. I can only tell you from my perspective how I feel. Clearly, if this were something we could work through, we wouldn't be getting divorced.
Me: You are entitled to be angry. I am not entitled to agree with you.
Me: I do want to keep things amicable because I see not reason to fight over petty things - stuff - and make this expensive and time consuming.

B: I was angry. I am not now. I was not asking for a do over or another chance. Just expressing how I feel.
B: And that is fine. That is what I want too.

Me: But you are welcome to feel angry and upset. But I'm not likely to concede your point. Because if I did, we wouldn't be here.

B: It's okay. You are entitled to feel the way you do. And I am sorry you do. As I said, I am not angry or upset any more. Just sad and confused.
B: I just feel very taken for granted and unappreciated. So it's good we are separating. It sounds like you feel the same way. It's just sad is all.

Thursday 2:27pm
B: I am sorry I wasn't there for you.

Thursday 3:11pm
B: Will give me the name and number for your lawyer please?

Me: First. Take a breath. I've been working, Dr R keeps me busy. Second, regarding the lawyer, I will get you the info.

B: Okay. Sorry and thank you.
B: I will do my best to respect you and your space as long as I am in your house though. And I will be out as soon as I am able.
B: I do need to know my interests are being protected though.

Me: Check your email. I'd prefer you respond reply all if you would.
email 4:01pm wrote:

Hello [Paralegal],

I have B cc'd to this email. If you need any information from him, I know he is willing to provide it directly.

I know you said the next step would be a waiver for him, which would take the place of him being served formally, and would mean he is agreeing with what is going on in the divorce.

He is choosing not to have a lawyer, so while [lawyer] cannot provide him with legal council, if he has a question regarding what a particular paper or form is, can he ask for clarification?

Thank you,
Sumayah

email reply 4:08pm wrote:

Hello,

I am agreeing with the divorce. No need to pay someone to serve me.

I just want to make sure that you guys are interested in just filing the paperwork for the divorce and not interested in taking what little I have from me.

Sorry to be direct. I just want to make sure we are all on the same page here.

Thanks,
B

Me: Dude. There's no need for that. I've already told you that.
Me: If was going to take you for everything I wouldn't have told you I got a lawyer, I'd have served you with papers and I'd have asked you to find somewhere else to live.
Me: All you're doing now is making it look like you're going to be difficult to work with.
Me: Like. That's the opposite of the point of this. Jesus. I'm giving you literally everything you're asking for.

B: I just want it in writing and I will give them whatever they need.

Me: Texas law is 50/50. If you want that in writing then it will get shitty. Because I'm willing to take on more debt and letting you take more assets. So maybe stop being so paranoid. Because you're going to end up screwing yourself. I'm going out of my damn way to make sure you don't get short shafted here.

B: You went and got a lawyer without telling me or involving me. How am I supposed to feel? My feelings matter too. Standing in your own two feet can involve not disregarding my input entirely.

Me: Yeah. I did.
Me: We need someone to file the papers. And I made it explicitly clear that this was going to be super easy. You sound like you're going to be trouble.

B: And I was not privy to that conversation. I am not interested in a magic bullet situation. What do you want me to do?

Me: Yeah and you don't believe me. You don't believe I didn't have an affair. I didn't. You don't believe I'm not going to take your stuff. I don't care about stuff. When have I ever? You need the damn lawyer to tell you?
Me: I'm pissed that you don't believe a damn thing I'm telling you.
Me: I'm telling you the truth. I want this done. I don't want to be in debt because of this. And no, I don't need to confer with you to get a lawyer.
Me: I'm being pretty freaking transparent about the whole thing.

B: Alright. I believe. What do you want me to do?
B: Is that better? What else can I do?
email reply 4:22pm wrote:

[Paralegal],

Please let me know what information you need so we can get this done as swiftly and as easily as possible.

My phone number is [redacted].

Thanks,
B

B: Seriously. Is that okay?

Me: Just don't make this harder than it needs to be. Understand that I'm actively working towards NOT being a jerk and taking everything. But if you start being all 50/50 don't take everything from me to the lawyer, it *will* backfire. Because right now it's more like 60/40 in your favor.

B: Okay.

Thursday 5:33pm
B: I am sorry. I have never been divorced before. I will stop being so paranoid. Thank you for everything you are doing and giving me.
B: Done at work? May I call?

(I’m in the car with y sister headed to her birthday dinner. He leaves a message)
B voice message 5:40pm: [crying] I’m sorry... I’m just scared and I’m confused... and I don’t [sobs] I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m sorry. I just... I know you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry. [sobs]

email reply 9:07pm wrote:

Sorry about that first email. I know you all are just going to get the paperwork done for us. Thank you.

Again, let me know what you need from me and I will do everything I can for you.

Thank you,
B

B: What time will you be home?
(I was at Eddie Izzard with my sister for her birthday) 🙄

He applied for an apartment. But like? We wants to hang out and watch tv and wants me to be home? I don’t get it.

Life is weird y’all.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Mon Oct 16, 2017 12:09 AM
He brought it up again.

He super thinks I cheated. Am cheating?

+sigh+

I’m not sure how to be any more plain about it. No. I. Have. Not. Had. An. Affair.

Emotionally? Mmm. That gets a little messy. One would have to assume I’ve at any point had an emotional relationship with B. Physical, sure, but emotional? It’s been a lot of him using me to get things he wants. So, emotionally, our marriage was over a long time ago. If we want to get right down to it, definitionwise, Cali would have been an emotional affair - she’s my “sister,” but I sunk all my emotions into helping her; K was an emotional affair, Saint M was an emotional affair, basically all my friends are emotional affairs because they’re the one I talk about my hopes and dreams and goals with, they’re the people I feel open and free to bare myself to. So... yeah.

B is a narcissist and there’s no exchange of emotions with him beyond basic affection steeped in his needs.

So if someone want to nail me for emotionally cheating, yeah, I guess I have since almost the beginning of our marriage. Every since I realized I wasn’t going to receive emotional support from him. And that’s be early, early, early in the marriage. That was in the first year when I was told that cuddling was a waste of his time. When physical contact meant sex. And when I was expected to have sex because we were married.

I need a therapist.

But no, to this day, I have never kissed another person, touched another person’s genitals, had sex with another person.

Now a better question isn’t did I. It’s would I have?

Well. That’s harder.

Sober Sumayah says absolutely not, and drunk responsible Sumayah says absolutely not. Drunk flirty Sumayah says well... what’s wrong with kissing? Responsible Sumayah was fortunately in charge and flirty Sumayah was not allowed on the trip. Because responsible Sumayah wouldn’t (didn’t) do anything to jeopardize her friendship, whereas flirty Sumayah might have. Responsible Sumayah also read the body language real clearly, and it read Super-Not-Into-You-At-All-In-That-Way, which is for the best. It sort of shut flirty Sumayah down neatly. In fact, there was basically no flirting in real life at all. Which was surprising. There was platonic snuggling, but of the head on the shoulder variety. But that’s it. If you want to count resting your head on your friend’s shoulder as cheating well, you need to re-evaluate your friendships.

My boob apparently brushed his arm. He hasn’t had sex in like a month and so even my breast, acting independently, and brushing his arm, was enough tongive him an erection. I told him to go get a girlfriend. God I feel bad for that chick. I wonder if he already has someone in mind.

I briefly made an account on a dating site and promptly deleted it. It felt disingenuous. And gross.

Anyway.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Mon Oct 16, 2017 11:46 AM
I'm not really okay today.

Like I'm really, really not okay today.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Mon Oct 16, 2017 02:00 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-10-16 19:06:10
Maybe I should expound on that?

I feel sick. I feel like I'm just going to start sobbing at any moment.

I made myself eat lunch. The power of the internet right there. That's all I have eaten, all I will eat today. Other than coffee. Coffee calms me. Not calms. That's the wrong word I think. Soothes?

I feel like I'm sinking, drowning.

Falling.

I am not for one moment doubting what I'm doing. I'm just overwhelmed.

My brain is clicking into all those horrible places it goes to when I find myself in unsteady ground.

Why is my brain so shit?

Why does it have it have to be so damn negative?

I AM ENOUGH.

ME.

I AM ENOUGH. I DON'T NEED ANYONE ELSE TO VALIDATE ME.

Except...

I do.

And it makes me feel so small.

I shouldn't need anyone else's approval of my being or worth. Just the fact that I exist and have made it to where I am is plenty. But, like, my soul craves that outward approval. I want it. I want to know that I'm wanted. That someone thinks I'm amazing. That someone sees me as desirable.

And not as the huge pile of emotional baggage I really am.

A facade of burden.

The amazing good luck I have with friends I have never had with romance. In my teens I was basically aromantic. It was easier to just not be attracted to anyone than deal with being attracted to everyone. Hell, my theme song? If I had had a freaking diary at 20 it would have been titled "Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love." Because Paper Bag was my anthem, my theme song.

I've always been passed over. Always.

I mean. I've told you, I'm not plucky Elizabeth Bennett or heartbroken Jane, nope. Not me. I was pragmatic Charlotte Lucas. In the great Pride and Prejudice cast-off, I took the first person who even halfheartedly bothered with me. WELP. I GUESS THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS.

And so here we are now.

And I'm back to the same damn insecurities. Worse? Because after 14 years, what do I have to show for it? Not a damn thing. Only that for smidgen of affection that was promptly removed, I'd allow myself to be used and walked on. GOOD JOB. That's super huh?

So here I am. Trying to hear Saint M's voice in my head after my full on break down telling me that I have people who love me, telling me to stop being obtuse, but it's really hard.

My brain makes it really hard. It's just determined to take the bleakest, most tragic route.

Maybe I should talk to my doctor about increasing my dosage while I go through the divorce? Because I'm shutting down and turning off. And I can't afford to do that. I need to stay on it. I can't afford to let the apathy and depression wash over me again. I haven't been walking. I haven't been taking care of myself. I haven't been able to. I've just wanted to sleep. Not even to sleep. To lie in bed. And that's a really bad sign.

I'll call her tomorrow and talk to the nurse and ask to leave a message. I can't do this.

I want to go home.

I want to cry.

I want throw up.

I'm not doing okay today. I'm really not doing okay.

ETA: Yeah. Gonna need to call my doctor tomorrow. My brain is in a very bad place. Like, a suicidal place. I kept thinking about speeding into trees, light posts, off embankments. Just the violence and destruction behind the crash and my hopeful death.

Like hold up a minute.

WHERE IS THIS EVEN COMING FROM!?

DO NOT WANT.

So I’m fighting with the demons in my head, driving safely!! home and I get here and I climb into bed fully dressed. At 7:30pm. In the dark.

Oooookay.

I’m super not doing so good. This is really not good. I won’t do anything. I promise. I’m not a danger to myself. I don’t actually want to die. Not when I’m so close to having freedom. But goddman, what is going on in there? Those are some seriously unwelcome, uninvited, and intrusive thoughts. I recognize that they are intrusive thoughts and that they don't represent me and what I want or who I am.

B keeps trying to be helpful. Are you sick? Do you have a headache? Getting another migraine? Can I get you an ice pack? He started to turn on Anne of Green Gables for me.

My dude. Leave me alone. Right now I want to be in the dark, in the quiet. I don’t want your anything. Screw off. And especially now, especially now that we’re getting divorced and I’m feeling vulnerable, now isn’t the time to be nice. You had 14 years for that. Don’t start now. Maybe I should walk. Maybe I should sleep.

I will be okay. I’m just fighting my demons really hard right now and I’m feeling very fragile.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Tue Oct 17, 2017 08:13 AM
I showered and went to bed. Slept six and a half hours, woke up naturally, long before my alarm. Six and a half hours seems to be my body’s natural point of rest. I got a lot of deep sleep. Nearly 90 minutes worth. I dreamed for less than an hour total. I’m not a dreamer.

I feel better today. Today is less panicked. I’m not really interested in, well, anything.

I had to take Fia back in. Her air conditioning is blowing cold, and she’s making a high pitched whining noise when the AC is on and there’s a tag that flutters when the window defroster is on. So... fun right?

So. A coworker from the game store died. Leukemia. He was one I actually liked. He was a genuinely nice person. It was all pretty sudden and he was only in his 40s. That’s pretty young.

That may have been part of yesterday honestly.

Death is one thing I just don’t handle super well.

December 11th you guys. Divorce will be final on December 11th.

I’ll have to go out that weekend.

Oh, I bought concert tickets (with money I don’t have) to go see Judah and the Lion at Stubb’s next week. Their Suit and Jacket song has been giving me life lately. Impulse buy.


Hey, if you can kick some money to my friend, her computer is dying and supporting her Patreon will help. Even $1 helps.

Okay. Love y’all.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces (karma: 2)
By Nyssasisticmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 3644, member since Sat Sep 20, 2003
On Tue Oct 17, 2017 10:01 AM
You are in the same place I was a year ago. It is a horrible, dark, mess of a place. I sought help through a women's shelter and they provided counseling, and it was a game changer. I had operated SO LONG trying to anticipate my ex's reaction, mood, etc that I knew what negative thing he'd say or do before he said or did it. As I was dealing with the separation, that noise became very loud. I had spent so much of my life operating around his negativity that I didn't quite know how to function proactively rather than in response to what I thought he would say or do.

So much of your correspondence sounds like exchanges between my ex and me. If there were one thing I could have done differently, it would have been to NOT bend over backwards to make the divorce easy on him. He ended up not only not caring that I made concessions, but took the concessions I did make and used them against me. Knowing now that he doesn't care about anyone beyond himself, I regret sacrificing stuff that would have been good for me (and especially my kids) to have to keep things cordial. When he realized there wasn't anything more to be gained by being remotely civil, he stopped being remotely civil.

I am so, so proud of you for taking the steps you need to take to keep yourself mentally safe and healthy. My divorce was finalized on December 29th last year and it has taken a lot of time, but I've finally started truly healing. If there is ANYTHING you take into consideration from my reply, it's this:

Be patient- VERY patient- with yourself. You will make progress, you will make mistakes, and the pendulum will swing rapidly between feeling like you're doing better and feeling like you're a piece of crap. But you belong to yourself now. Celebrate everything, because it is all your own.

I'm cheering for you.
re: ...the creed of the seamstress is that you're pretty in pieces
By Sumayah Comments: 6947, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Tue Oct 17, 2017 12:09 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-10-17 12:10:39
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2017-10-17 13:08:13
Nyssa.

I... I'm so proud of you. I had no idea you actually got divorced. I had worried about you and your situation and I hoped hoped you would leave him. I'm so glad that you did. I cannot even begin to imagine how hard that was with four children. You have nothing but my respect.

It's so easy to look in on a situation from the outside and scream "GO - JUST LEAVE ALREADY" (as I imagine all y'all have been doing for years at me) but being there, it's so hard to actually weigh all the choices and try and figure out if what you're doing is the right thing. To figure out if there's someway to make it work, if the decision you're making is the best for everyone. But I could not be more proud of you for getting yourself and your kids out. Good job momma. <3

Nyssa wrote:

If there were one thing I could have done differently, it would have been to NOT bend over backwards to make the divorce easy on him. He ended up not only not caring that I made concessions, but took the concessions I did make and used them against me.

Right now, because he's living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, sharing the same space, I can't afford for things to be vicious.

BUT.

That's about to change.

He's moving out on November 4th.

I feel... numb? 19 days from now. He still needs to sign the contract on the apartment, but the current tenants are being evicted and so yeah.

Once he's out, I don't have to treat the situation with kid gloves so much. At that point, our property will be divided. What he's keeping will be with him, what I'm keeping will be with me. So it's pretty cut and dry as far as that goes. Then I don't have to deal with him.

I wasn't expecting it to happen so fast. I'm not sad, but at the same time I'm a little... surprised? Like, I'm not ready yet. Okay.

Nyssa wrote:

Be patient- VERY patient- with yourself. You will make progress, you will make mistakes, and the pendulum will swing rapidly between feeling like you're doing better and feeling like you're a piece of crap. But you belong to yourself now. Celebrate everything, because it is all your own.

<3
Thank you Nyssa.

****

Thursday is G's memorial service. I feel really sad about this. I mean I should. He died. A person I knew who was a decent human being that I wish was still alive on this earth is dead. And people who are horrible people are still breathing and living.

I feel really cold.

Physically.

I'm wearing flannel and a sweater. It's 71F outside, sunshiny and beautiful. And I feel cold.

My head hurts.

Everything is just overwhelming.

In regards to my former co-worker G: "within the past month he was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia. He went from not feeling well one night about a month ago to being on a ventilator the next day."

So this wasn't anything anyone was expecting. It just sort of happened. He was one of the few coworkers at the store I actually liked and respected. I feel really heavy-hearted.
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