Forum: Arts / Diaries

Most days I know it's not true.
By Claritinmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 2100, member since Tue Aug 30, 2005
On Mon Aug 29, 2016 09:44 AM

Hello DDN, long time no see. I know it's relatively dead here, but I am sad and lonely and I didn't know where else to turn. This was my home online for the better part of a decade and I know there are still some kind and friendly faces around. I don't know if anyone will read this, but thank you if you do.

The title of this journal comes from a song by the Mountain Goats called "Wild Sage." The full lyric is: "And some days I don't miss my family/ Some days I do/ Some days I think I'd feel better if I tried harder/ Most days I know it's not true"

Anyway, lately, I've been having a really rough time. My best friend seems to have decided that he no longer wants anything to do with me and it is hurting me more than I can describe. There is some context to this, but I don't want get into it right now because I will just get upset. I am just so sad and lonely that at moments, it's hard to breathe. I don't understand what I did to make him hate me or to make him loathe the idea of hanging out with me so much. I just feel crushed

The only thing that makes me feel even a little bit OK is the thought I had this morning: I thought about everything I have been through so far, including my difficult childhood and my utterly miserable adolescence. I thought about how I felt when Jam (my boyfriend of 3+ years) dumped me out of nowhere and I experienced that similar out-of-breath feeling. I thought about how I have laid in bed for extended periods of time, paralyzed with anxiety and depression, not even being able to imagine how I could get up and function like a typical human being. I thought about all of those times I was certain I couldn't make it though even another single moment. And yet here I am. I am in awe of myself. I am still breathing am still moving. No matter how down-and-out I have been in the past, I somehow managed to make it through each and every difficult, soul-crushingly depressed moment. And I will make it through this, too. I just don't know how.

4 Replies to Most days I know it's not true.

re: Most days I know it's not true.
By hummingbird Comments: 10441, member since Mon Apr 18, 2005
On Tue Aug 30, 2016 07:56 AM
Hi there, it's great to see you again! Yes I'm reading this and hugs.

Please stop putting so much focus on things you can't change, the past is the past, it's been and gone. Look to the future and do what you can with that. I know it's difficult, I'm the sort of person who can dwell on past mistakes as well but that just makes us frustrated and unhappy.
re: Most days I know it's not true.
By Claritinmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 2100, member since Tue Aug 30, 2005
On Sun Sep 04, 2016 11:23 PM
Edited by Claritin (139973) on 2016-09-04 23:26:38
Thank you so much for your response. It means a lot to me!

Things between me and my best friend, Hank, have been extremely hot and cold this past year. There are a million explanations for why, but none of them truly explain it or feel particularly satisfying. Anyway, right now, things are good again. I've recently started to (unintentionally) treat our relationship like a social experiment: if one way of interacting with him seems to be driving him away, I try another. I don't know if I've hit on a sweet spot or if he's just having a good week. I honestly almost don't even care, because it feels so good to be able to talk to him like I used to.

My therapist suggested that I ask him to come to therapy with me and we can do an interpersonal relationship session. As much as I like the idea in theory, I'm keeping that in my back pocket for now because I think there is the potential for him to positively freak out at the suggestion. I think a big part of our problem right now deal with the fact that I have been trying to clearly communicate my feelings to him, but he is so emotionally stunted that the mere mention of feelings makes him completely shut down and get defensive and not want to talk anymore. It is frustrating beyond words, but I think I am finally getting to a point where I realize that this is just how he is, so I either have to accept his limitations and attempt to have a fulfilling relationship with him regardless or I have to walk away and I'm not ready to do that just yet.*

*I have actually gotten to that point a couple of times with him in the last year, but we work together, which further complicates our dynamic. I don't feel that I would have the emotional fortitude to "break up" with him when I have to interact with him on a professional level every day. (One of the reasons I want to quit my job is because I wish our relationship could play out in whatever way it needs to without work artificially altering its path.)
re: Most days I know it's not true.
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34923, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Mon Sep 05, 2016 10:33 AM
So this question is largely meant to be rhetorical, there's probably not an answer, and probably not one you want to share, but I also just want to know it's out there in the world somewhere.

Why are you friends with this guy?

You can't talk to him about certain things, or on certain days. If you get the combination of certain things or certain days wrong, he'll cease talking to you all together, in which case, you go into a spiral of depression and sadness and feeling sorry for yourself, because somehow, you managed to get the combination of things and days wrong.

I think my three year old nephew would be less complicated to be friends with.

When he's on, and you've hit the right combination of days and topics, he must just be the most amazing friend that's ever been an amazing friend, cause I can't figure out what else in the world would make saddling yourself with this heartache (willingly!) worth it.

I just googled "emotional abuse" out of curiosity, and I know that Wikipedia is no diagnostician or anything, but uh...he kind of meets the criteria. No, not kind of. Completely. Exhibit A:

Psychological abuse (also referred to as psychological violence, emotional abuse or mental abuse) is a form of abuse, characterized by a person subjecting, or exposing, another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.

So I would greatly encourage, celebrate and cheer for you changing your job - I feel like once you got out from under this guys thumb, it'd change the rest of your life.

And this might sting a little, and if it does, I apologize for that part anyway. Years ago, when I first moved to Michigan, I was in a fairly similar situation, with a boyfriend, and my aunt gave me a very similar speech. It stung in the moment, but after I got a chance to chew on it, I went "You know, she's right. I am worth so much more then all of this drama." And I hope that when your heart is ready to hear it, you get the same message. Because you are. <3
re: Most days I know it's not true.
By Claritinmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 2100, member since Tue Aug 30, 2005
On Mon Sep 05, 2016 10:35 PM
Thanks. It's definitely a valid question and one I have been pondering over quite heavily for the last few months. It's a complicated answer, but there is one.

I think it is a perfect storm between my personal baggage and his. Starting with me, I have always had low self esteem so I look to other people for validation that I'm an OK person who people like. Because of this, any even perceived slight has the potential to send me spiraling. I know that at times I have the propensity to overreact or believe that everyone hates me, so I actively try to fight this which sometimes works, but sometimes leads me to being too tolerant of crappy situations. Sometimes the smallest thing will make me miserable and I recognize that this is not rational or reasonable, but I have a hard time stopping it. So, I guess in fairness to him, although my tailspins may be caused by an interaction we've had, it is not necessarily because he's done something super terrible. (I know this is all an issue and I'm working on it in therapy, but it's a slow process.)

For him, he's younger so I think right off the bat he's just less mature or experienced with relationship dynamics. On top of that, he's gay and from what I've seen, he still really isn't comfortable in his own skin. I think he has a lot of internalized self-hatred and I think that informs a lot of our interaction. He is extremely emotionally closed off and is either unwilling or entirely unable to engage in emotionally intelligent conversation (Such as how something made one or the other of us feel. Instead, he will be passive aggressive if he's upset or dismissive if I'm the one upset.) This has been a bit of a sticking point for me but I'm starting to realize that he will probably never interact with me in the way that I would like him to in terms of being more emotionally available or honest, so I either need to accept that this is how he is or just be done with our relationship. I wouldn't say he's emotionally abusive, more that he is young, immature, and wholly unaware of how his actions affect other people.

When we are clicking, we *click* and it is perfect and wonderful. Everyone always thinks we're dating. We spent the whole of last year attached at the hip and had zero conflict. Things didn't get bad until 6 months ago when he got his first boyfriend and (imo) he started acting like a total a-hole and I called him out on it. They were only together a month, but we haven't really recovered from our falling out. I keep thinking that if I can just ride out whatever current conflict is happening that things will go back to how they used to be.

Of course, all of this explains the "why" but does not answer the question of whether or not it's worth it to hang around. This is a question I've been digging deep to find the answer to.