Forum: Advice / GLBT PG-13

out or in?
By heartofadancer2 Comments: 48, member since Sun Mar 27, 2011
On Thu Sep 15, 2016 11:41 PM

Ok, so me and my wife have a child together. Our son will be going to kindergarden next year. My partner says for his sake be in the closet for his school life. I'm not sure. How bad is it in society for same sex relationships?

7 Replies to out or in?

re: out or in?
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Fri Sep 16, 2016 06:45 AM
Having a kid in elementary school, all secrets come out eventually. Kids TALK. It's what they do. How old I was was the topic of conversation at the first grade class Halloween party. Not even kidding. Amazingly, it was there that I learned that I'm almost 10 years younger then the moms of any of the kids that were at the table that day. So...there's that!

This isn't a secret you'll even get to keep, so your wife isn't going to get her way with this one anyway. The first time your son's teacher mentions Father's Day, what is your son supposed to say? Is he supposed to lie for you? Make up a fake dad? NO. No he is not. Listen, he'll get to a stage where you're both super embarrassing quick enough. Teaching him that he's got to lie, like you two are doing something wrong, and he's got to protect you somehow? That's just doing a disservice to all three of you. Shame on her for even considering it.
re: out or in?
By sjerosemember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 1263, member since Thu May 11, 2006
On Fri Sep 16, 2016 08:27 AM
It sounds like she has some very deep feelings about being an open committed couple with a child. Have you talked with her about WHY she wants to make that decision?

I agree with Theresa, that there's not really a practical way for that to happen, and it will only be emotionally detrimental to your child to hide your true relationship to each other. I'm sure she doesn't want that. I wouldn't go so far as to say "shame on her", though - it sounds like she has internalized a lot of shame already, to want to hide her true identity in such an extreme way. If she is adamant about this, there's probably something more deep that she is going to need to work through with a counselor or therapist. I speak from a personal experience with shame (though admittedly not the same situation as you all), and shame makes people want to hide their feelings and needs rather than to discuss them in the open.

As for your question, I think it really depends on where you live. Different areas of the US and the globe have different cultures, and some are more accepting of same-sex couples than others. In my midwestern US town of 250,000 there are already a couple of great GLBT support groups off the top of my head, so I hope you can easily find something that can give you the support you need, too.
re: out or in?
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Fri Sep 16, 2016 12:23 PM
So, her not wanting people to know that you guys are GAY (!) and a COUPLE (!!), and have a child (!!!) is actually a problem that goes back so far, that it predates the actual child: . . .

Being with someone who has spent years trying to hide that you're important to her must be exhausting. :( You have my sympathies. I stand by every word in my original post.
re: out or in?
By SarahdncrPremium member Comments: 634, member since Wed Jul 29, 2009
On Sat Sep 17, 2016 08:38 AM

I know this is going to sound like a blunt answer but unfortunately if you live in the U.S., this is the stark reality of how things are today in this country.

GLBTQ acceptance in this country while slowly (ever so s...l...o...w...l...y) is getting better/more accepting, it still all boils down at the end of the day to these factors: where you live (city/state-community standards), the educational levels of those around you, your/your partner's profession, and most importantly how financially successful you/your partner truly is all about the Benjamin's.

Sad, but true. This is how it is.
re: out or in?
By Dancing_EMTmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 3466, member since Wed Dec 08, 2004
On Sat Sep 17, 2016 11:20 AM
It really depends on where you live. I live in a big city where the LGBT community is accepted. :) It's nothing to see same sex parents. :)
re: out or in?
By heartofadancer2 Comments: 48, member since Sun Mar 27, 2011
On Wed Sep 21, 2016 07:09 PM
Oh the only resonance why she said that...Keep him from getting beat up or teased. We live in a small town. The school we are thinking of is in a mid size to small city next to us.
re: out or in?
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 11321, member since Sun Nov 23, 2003
On Thu Sep 22, 2016 08:53 AM
Edited by TheMidlakeMuse (78507) on 2016-09-22 08:55:09
Kids get bullied for a lot of reasons. Just because you attempt to eliminate one possibility doesn't mean you can protect him from everything.

I don't know how she expects to keep this secret forever. Does your family never do anything together where you'd be out in the world? If she's not closeted in other parts of her life, how does she expect to separate the fact that a teacher or classmate's parent might see you all out in public? What possible lie could she come up with in that situation?

To reiterate what the others have said: kindergartners talk. I really doubt your kiddo would be able to never mention that he has two moms, and if you expect him to do that, it's a really heavy burden for a 5 or 6 year old. I remember being that age and learning that my classmates and friends had different family situations than I did (stepparents, single moms, living with grandparents, adopted, etc). It was a little confusing at first, but kids can be remarkably accepting if they're just being told things matter-of-factly without fear or embarrassment.

I think if your wife continues to be closeted, the only message you're going to send is to your son, and it'll be telling him that his parents are something to be ashamed of. If your family's physical safety is not in danger, and you/your partner are just worried about how people are going to frown upon you, she's gotta step up for your kid.