Forum: Adults / 20 Something

Don't judge me! (a rant!)
By sparklystars
On Sat Nov 12, 2016 04:13 AM

First of all, this is absolutely not aimed at anyone on here, I've never felt judged on DDN, in fact quite the opposite. It's more in my 'real' life.

Also, I'm very aware that many people face FAR more awful judgements that have very serious consequences for them, I don't mean to trivialise it in any way, I know others are much worse off, this is just my personal experience and opinions.

Finally, I don't mean this as a look at me, I'm a great person. I never talk about myself and the things I do, I just feel comfortable doing it here and it's intended as one example in a wider context. I'm also not saying that I'm completely without fault either, but I want to change that!

Well, I started thinking about this whole issue of judging others this morning after something quite insignificant really (bit of background information coming) I was expecting a delivery, I got a text last night saying it would arrive between 10am and 2pm, and I'd get a phone call an hour before arrival. I have just moved into my first home, and ended up staying at my mum and dads last night, planning to come back to my new house around 9am in time for delivery. I got a call at 8am saying they were on their way, I explained I'd get there as soon as I could but I had been told after 10am. He said I couldn't have been told that, despite having the text right there on my phone. Anyway, when they arrived the first thing he said was oh there's grumpy up out of her bed. I took it as the joke it was intended to be, laughed along with it. 10 minutes later, after constant jokes, I wasn't finding it so funny. I explained in a joking way I'd been working all week as well as being at uni at night and felt 8am on a Saturday was a well deserved long lie, which then started a 'competition' about how hard this guy works and how hard it is having to work Saturdays. He kept saying 'ask the boss' when his partner was asking where to put the boxes and I found myself explaining I'd worked at least 2 jobs since I was 16 to buy this house so yes, I was the boss in here. Then I was annoyed at myself for always feeling like I HAVE to explain myself in these situations.

This is a completely insignificant event, and yes, I was very sensitive to it. But it's turning into a daily occurrence where people who don't even take the time to speak to me and get to know me laugh and make snidey comments about my situation. Talking to my friends last night, many of them feel the same way.

Again, this is not intended to be a sob story about how hard done by I am, I'm very aware that I am lucky in many ways, and I'm grateful for everything I have. But here are some things which people comment on regularly;

That I'm single: I'm mostly single because I was in an emotionally abusive relationship as a teenager, right into my mid 20s. I've worked extremely hard to move on, and whilst it doesn't affect me too much in my day to day life, relationships are a different story. But new people I meet don't know that about me. They joke about me being a lesbian (why is that the first conclusion they jump to, and so what if I was) or that I'm too selfish to be with someone.

That I don't have children: Again, people mostly comment on me being selfish. I'm not. I thought I'd have children by now, but the situation above has affected this too.

That I have an 'easy' job: I don't. I work from 8am to 5 or 6pm, and usually bring work home at night and weekends too. I barely take a lunch break. I've worked since I was 16, and have worked around the world when work dried up at home, just so I wouldn't be sitting around doing nothing. I'm also learning a language in my own free time which I have to do for work, as well as having started studying for my masters.

That I'm a snob because I have a degree: I worked really hard, managed to stick at it through a terrible relationship and I'm proud if it. But that's it, I don't think I'm better than anyone else, uni was my path, I appreciate and admire people who have gone different ways. I certainly never mention 'having a degree' to anyone, it's just obvious through my job I guess.

That I must have plenty of money: Some of this is mentioned in line with not having children. Sometimes it's brought up because I've recently bought a house and bought some furniture for it. I must have lots of cash 'to throw around'. Well, again, I work for it, I decorated my house by myself, built all my furniture, saved for it. I have direct debits from my account straight to a couple of charities every month. I often end up spending my own money on work and make sure to send my mum and dad a wee Groupon every now and then. I attend engagements, weddings, Christenings and childrens birthday parties and buy presents for them all, by myself.

That I don't drive: I'm a nuisance and selfish for expecting everyone to drive me everywhere. I don't. I find my own way around no matter where I go. I just don't want to learn yet, it scares me and when I'm ready I will.

That I'm too skinny: I've always been small and have received a variety of comments over the years ranging from the well meaning to the downright hurtful. I must not eat enough, I must only eat salad, I must be really cold in winter and I must be doing too much exercise.

That I'm a woman: I've been laughed at so many times over the last few weeks when buying hardware for my home or receiving deliveries. I've been told women are lazy and don't build furniture, women can't paint, I don't know what I'm talking about and they then turn to speak to my dad instead, I'm a crazy woman because I've waited in 12 hours for a delivery and it then arrives an hour after the stated latest time.

That I go on holiday: I have lots of cash, I don't have children, it's alright for some . . . .

That I dance: I'm a bimbo, I have too much spare time, I have lots of cash . . .

As a one off, none of these are very much of an issue. But it's literally turning into a regular thing, where someone who doesn't know me makes one of these comments. I am a bit sensitive to it now I suppose, it's happening so often, and every day I find myself biting my tongue not to be rude back. I'm also very aware now of the judgements I place on others, even if I don't voice them, I'm trying to change the way I think in my mind.

It's so sad, when did it become so mainstream to just judge people we don't know without thinking of their feelings? Why can people not just worry about their own business?

I'm sorry this has been such a rant, I just had to write it down and I'm sorry for anyone else who has to deal with the constant judgement. I'm also so, so grateful to all the nice people out there who make all the comments above seem insignificant. Finally, apologies if this seems trivial to anyone.

4 Replies to Don't judge me! (a rant!)

re: Don't judge me! (a rant!)
By hummingbird
On Sat Nov 12, 2016 07:11 AM
It's ok to rant but you need to stop worrying about other peoples opinions about you, that's something you can't control.

There's one thing you can control and that's your reaction to them, stop stressing yourself out so much about things you can't change.
re: Don't judge me! (a rant!)
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Nov 12, 2016 09:44 PM
You *regularly* get called a bimbo? You need new friends.

My son is underweight too, and you know what? People can only one side that conversation for just so long. My one aunt is the only person who still tries. I just give a half hearted smile and walk away. No discussion. I don't agree, I don't disagree. Half hearted smile, and keep moving. They can't engage me - or him - if we're unwilling to discuss it. He's got terrible body image (he's 10 years old, and we've had serious discussions about body dysmorphic disorder with the pediatrician. That level of terrible), and not only do I not want to get in to why he's so thin - he eats like a bird and he never sits still - but in his case, it's possibly dangerous. So I walk. Go to the hardware store alone. Quit putting up with being called a bimbo. Quit expending so much energy worried about other peoples opinions.

Comment #10250160 deleted
Removed by Theresa (28613) on 2019-12-06 18:00:20 Spam

re: Don't judge me! (a rant!)
By CinderEmma
On Sun Feb 24, 2019 09:09 AM
Growing up in a world full of bullying, I can genuinely identify with your situations. Sadly, there really isn't anything we can do to stop the opinions of others. They will always keep coming and coming! Usually, all that we can do most of the time is to try to develop little mental filters in our heads to block out these garbage insults to try and give ourselves a little bit more peace of mind sometimes.

For example, I will sometimes envsion myself in a suit of insult-proof armor so whenever somebody says something aggravating, I try to picture the insult bouncing off my armor and flying back at the person. Or on days that I feel particuarly emotional and I feel like I'm approaching a situation where I'm about to undergo some mental uneasyness, I'll envision a mosquito-net-like force field encircling my body like a bubble, and all the bad stuff that I don't agree with sticks to that net. I know it sounds stupid, but with mental practice, you'll start to notice that it actually seems to take the edge off of some of the tinyer things that bother us.


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