Forum: Advice / Secrets PG-13

Secrets PG-13
Coversation with friend about social topic that now has me feeling all kinds of confusing anger.
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 27689, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Mon Feb 20, 2017 10:39 AM

I have a friend who I've known since elementary school. She has 3 kids, boys, and all three of them have autism. We got together for breakfast yesterday, just the two of us, and she was saying that she wants to try for a girl. She told her mom and her mother said that my friend and her husband should get genetic testing done before trying again.

She asked me what I thought and I asked her flat out, if she wanted my completely honest opinion. She insisted yes, and I told her that I agree with her mother. Her life is very difficult. She has 3 kids already with special needs. According to Dr.'s the first two MAY one day be able to move out on their own and be more independent, but the youngest probably never will.

I told her that while I agree with her mother, I think this is a convo for her and her husband. She's pissy but it is what it is. The more kids she has the less time there will be for the first three who need a lot of work.

Anyway. This is also a bit of a vent. She is living off the Social Security she gets from the 3 boys she already has. I have seen her struggles and it is frustrating because if she and her husband make more than $15,000 a year, they wont get any help. It really does perpetuate a cycle of poverty. But as someone who is busting their ass to save up for law school and hasn't had kids I can't afford, it is so frustrating.

And than I feel bad because its like there is a part of me saying I don't want them to get help when they need it! I'm all kinds of mixed up about it.

And she's been texting wanting me to talk more about it with her and I flat out told her she isn't going to like my opinion on it and that it really is just between her and her husband, but even this feels like a cop out.

With three boys that already needs so much special care, the fact that she is living off of government assistance and all that, it just seems morally and ethically wrong to actively try for another kid.

I don't know what I'm looking for in this post, but I just needed to vent a bit. I don't know in how many ways I can tell her that I don't want to get involved in this topic.

1 Replies to Coversation with friend about social topic that now has me feeling all kinds of confusing anger.

re: Coversation with friend about social topic that now has me feeling all kinds of confusing anger.
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34923, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Tue Feb 21, 2017 07:20 PM
You've already said your peace. Have you pointed that out? You said it. You can't really point out that you think that the combination of outside forces that she couldn't control, and the welfare system (which again, she can't control) have made a perfect storm that she's never going to get out of. They have, but chances are, she's already aware of it. Or, lacks enough self awareness to be aware of it, in which case, pointing it out will just make her huffy and indignant, and you'll lose a friend over it.

"I do agree that you should have the genetic testing done. However, I don't believe that I should get a say in your reproductive choices, nor do I want one." (change the verbage so it sounds something more like what you'd say). Repeat. She just wants some adult conversation, and probably some drama. Don't feed the beast.