Forum: Advice / Secrets PG-13

Secrets PG-13
Name-calling in relationship
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 27665, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Sat Mar 18, 2017 02:25 AM

I'm just wondering where's the line here. My boyfriend is almost a decade older than me (I'm in my twenties), but he's immature, and he knows it. Sometimes he accuses me of picking fights when I try to defend myself. Once he called me a liar because 3-D glasses gave me a headache, and I said I can still enjoy the movie without them. It was true, but he called me a liar, so I ran away from him to get some peace and quiet.

Once he called me Donald Trump. After that I made it clear that I will break up with him if he calls me names again. He also said that both times he instantly regretted calling me names. It's true that he does apologise, but it would be nice if he could learn not to insult me in the first place.

Recently he's gotten more understanding and sensitive. He had been a bully at school and a jerk to previous girlfriends, and he said that if we had met when he was younger, I wouldn't have talked to him twice. He is very caring, but often short-tempered and impulsive with words.

Yesterday he came over to watch a movie, but was obviously in a bad mood from the beginning. He was looking at the phone and complaining about how he shouldn't have made an agreement to watch a movie with me because now his friends are making plans to go out. I told him that we can watch the movie some other time and just go out with his friends, because he didn't look particularly happy about being at my place, but then he said I was viciously attacking him. After the movie he showed me a very racist video clip.

I got uncomfortable and told him that pushing minority stereotypes is pretty hurtful (I myself am a member of that minority), but instead of stopping, he got defensive. So I told him more clearly to stop, and he called me a nutcase. And it hurt quite a lot because I do actually have mental health issues. Severe depression, but you'd never know. Also anxiety. It seemed weird to call me a nutcase when usually he's quite supportive, you know. I said it would be a good time for him to leave.

The thing is, when I first started seeing a psychologist about my depression, I got a reputation at school for being "crazy". Since then I've learn to hide emotions, and to be coldly logical sometimes to avoid the label. Since my boyfriend isn't extremely mature (his friends are certainly aware of this), I've decided to protect myself by not showing emotions sometimes. Yesterday when he was being difficult, I kept touching him and saying that everything is fine. Even when I told him to leave, I did so very calmly. And it's true that he's been under more stress than usual lately, but I don't think this excuses the name-calling.

Yesterday after saying I'm attacking him, he said that I was his priority, and he would rather spend time with me, and that he's not blaming me because his friends can't plan. Last week he had two free days, but insisted on using them to take me to the hospital instead of doing what he originally wanted to do. And he does admit his mistakes. We're both very supportive towards each other, but once in awhile this name-calling and blame-shifting comes up, and I get nervous. To what extent is this acceptable, and when does it become a red flag?

6 Replies to Name-calling in relationship

re: Name-calling in relationship (karma: 1)
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 6359, member since Thu Jul 12, 2007
On Sun Mar 19, 2017 10:26 PM
There are red flags all over the place here. He admits to being a bully as a kid....he still is. I don't have enough information to say to you it's time to move on, but it very well may be that time.

Jon
re: Name-calling in relationship
By hummingbird Comments: 10418, member since Mon Apr 18, 2005
On Mon Mar 20, 2017 07:36 AM
I agree with Jon about the red flags.

It's no good being sorry if his behaviour isn't going to change and your boyfriend keeps repeating the same behaviour patterns, this really isn't a good sign.
re: Name-calling in relationship
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 27665, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Mon Mar 27, 2017 06:19 AM
Also, when you ask him to stop doing something you don't like, he makes matters worse - and then calls you out when you tell him you don't like that.

Seeing that you are already in therapy, this man does not sound like he is a healthy choice for you (or for anybody else, but that's a different matter).

IMHO you need to get out, though I realise that could be easier said than done ... Good luck and take care of yourself!
re: Name-calling in relationship (karma: 1)
By CinderEmma Comments: 137, member since Mon Sep 05, 2016
On Sat Apr 08, 2017 06:56 AM
It is not my right to judge him, but you need to listen to your gut insticts. If this man is hurting you EMOTIONALLY, then he is guilty of EMOTIONAL abuse and that qualifies this as an abusive relationship. If that is the case here--for your own safety--I would break up with him immediately while you still have the chance. The longer a woman stays with someone in an abusive relationship, the more difficult it will be to break up with the abusive boyfriend, and the more violent he will become.
re: Name-calling in relationship (karma: 4)
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Sat Apr 08, 2017 11:39 PM
Edited by Theresa (28613) on 2017-04-08 23:43:13
So, we're here:
We're both very supportive towards each other,
Cool. Let's run down the list of examples of his being supportive.

1.
Sometimes he accuses me of picking fights when I try to defend myself.


2.
Once he called me a liar because 3-D glasses gave me a headache,


2.
Once he called me Donald Trump.
(sidebar: I don't even know what that means, or why it's insulting, but I also admittedly didn't vote for the guy, so it counts.)

3.
Yesterday he came over to watch a movie, but was obviously in a bad mood from the beginning. He was looking at the phone and complaining about how he shouldn't have made an agreement to watch a movie with me because now his friends are making plans to go out. I told him that we can watch the movie some other time and just go out with his friends, because he didn't look particularly happy about being at my place, but then he said I was viciously attacking him. After the movie he showed me a very racist video clip.
I wanted to break that one out and quote it separately. But then I decided I probably didn't know enough numbers to put it on the list.

4.
but instead of stopping, he got defensive


5.
So I told him more clearly to stop, and he called me a nutcase.


6.
Since my boyfriend isn't extremely mature (his friends are certainly aware of this), I've decided to protect myself by not showing emotions sometimes.
That one is so bad, it changes my core temperature every time I read it. You're not allowed to show emotions, cause it might make this stellar example of maturity and support angry?!

So I...I don't think supportive means what you think it means. Or maybe it doesn't mean what I think it means, I'm not sure. Because you seem to be in a situation where you're constantly demeaned, and made to feel like you're less then him somehow...and this is what passes for supportive?

No. Stop it. Knock it off.

Why do you think this guy is dating girls 10 years younger then he is? CAUSE GIRLS HIS OWN AGE WON'T PUT UP WITH THIS CRAP. You are beautiful, and awesome, and absolutely worthy of someone who thinks that you're so bad ass, that they can't believe they get to date you.

And you're settling for someone who thinks you're a waste of time, that hanging out with you is better then doing nothing, and openly mocks your ethnicity to your face.

Girl. GIRL. Why?

I'm going to take a shot that you're in your young 20's, that this guy is one of the first, if not THE first, serious boyfriends you've ever had, and you stick with getting treated like rubbish because having to start over feels kind of scary. And he may have even tossed out that he's the only guy that'll love you like he does.

THIS ISN'T WHAT LOVE IS. Man, I need the hand clap emoji right now. THIS. ISN'T. WHAT. LOVE. IS.

He is a whole parade of red flags. He's a red flag factory. You need to reach deep within yourself, summon every ounce of courage you can find, and maybe a few ounces you didn't know were in there until you went lookin' for 'em, and dump this guy. Go back to the therapist, work on loving yourself, and then work on loving someone else. Cause a dude exists out there somewhere that is going to absolutely worship the ground you walk on. And he won't even (intentionally, anyway) make you cry to get to do it! You haven't found him, keep lookin'.

(ETA: If you break up, and you live together, be prepared to move out. Call your dad, any brothers you have, any big, burly former football players you know, to come help you get your stuff. Cause he'll get crazy on you, he won't come at your dad)
re: Name-calling in relationship
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 27665, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Sun Apr 09, 2017 02:56 AM
Yes, get rid of him immediately and protect yourself. He sounds very dangerous. And don't talk to him again after the breakup or it may literally cost you your life!

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