Forum: Advice / Secrets PG-13

Secrets PG-13
Texting work colleague
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 27664, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Thu Jul 13, 2017 10:21 PM

Apolgies this will be long.
A bit of background: my boyfriend cheated on me last year with a work colleague. We split for a bit and then I took him back as I still loved him and could see that he was truly sorry, loved me and trying to change himself to be a better person.
We have been together 10 years and moved into a new flat at the start of the year.

Things were going good he was coming home after work and only went out with friends on a Friday night.

Then recently he has started to go out a bit more in the week but home by 1030pm.
I noticed one day there was some messages on his phone by a name I didn't recognise on his lock screen.
I could tell they were from a girl.

I shouldn't have done it but I then read the messages. There was quite a lot of messages and I can see they work together.
They were asking to go on cigarette breaks together or just general chat about how drunk or hungover one was etc.

There wasn't any flirting it was just "banter" it looked like he could be texting his brother as it was quite immature.

I didn't say anything because he is allowed female friends, even though some days he txt her more then he did me.
I decided to meet him one night after work with his work friends and she was there. She was sat with the boys and just acted like a boy really, then the guy she was seeing came and she sat with him.

One night he came back at midnight from a beer festival with work colleagues.
I saw a message pop up on his phone saying "are you really willing to mess everything up for me?"

Curiosity got me and then later that night I looked again. He wrote back" I meant everything I said."
She said "omg shall we mess our lives up? Are you being serious? "
He was asleep so didn't reply. I couldn't sleep.

The day after I questioned him in a calm way about who was this girl and what that message meant.
He apologised and said he should have told me. He said she is just a friend we get on well.
I asked him about he message and he said she wrote that because he was staying out late and ignoring my calls whilst with her.
He then said I wrote "everything I said" because I told her no I have to leave now my girlfriend would be upset."

I said it was upsetting me the amount of messages going on and he said ok I will cut down. He said I know it looks bad but there is nothing in it. I wouldn't have let you meet each other if it was.

Now I don't know if I'm getting overly paranoid about everything or there is more to it. I feel like I'm going nuts. I know I shouldn't have read the messages but I'm still trying my hardest to trust him fully.

10 Replies to Texting work colleague

re: Texting work colleague (karma: 1)
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6815, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Fri Jul 14, 2017 08:03 PM
My heart is breaking for you...

I want to say, "Believe him", blah, blah, .... but honestly...this just doesn't feel right.

The question I would ask is this..."How would you feel if a guy I worked with sent me texts like this?" The next question, would the guy this girl is seeing accept this odd text exchange without raising an eyebrow?

Life is full of difficult choices. If your boyfriend really believes this is "nothing" he is, at best, a fool. Even if it is "nothing" now, these are the kind of things that evolve into, "I didn't mean for this to happen...." And btw... I find his explanation a bit weak. The time to choose is now.

If he wants to maintain a 10 year relationship in a healthy way, he has to be more respectful. There are a few elements of his excuse (which I find odd...and I have no reason to trust or distrust him....)that are unacceptable even if they are true.

I asked him about he message and he said she wrote that because he was staying out late and ignoring my calls whilst with her. He then said I wrote "everything I said" because I told her no I have to leave now my girlfriend would be upset."


This is his proof that he loves and respects you and is trying to be a better person? Epic fail. When I call my husband he answers. Period. When he calls me, I answer. If we are busy with something, we say, "Can I call you back in _____(however much time it will take)" This is just wrong. Not only is he not taking your calls, he is TELLING her that he is ignoring you... WOW... what kind of message is this sending? And what the heck is he so engaged in with this girl that you are an intrusion?

Sweetie... this doesn't look good, even if I did believe his excuse...

...

BTW... When I just read your post again, I find it almost impossible to buy the excuse.


"are you really willing to mess everything up for me?"

" I meant everything I said."

"omg shall we mess our lives up? Are you being serious? "


To quote an immature game player...
Yeah... "OMG Are You SERIOUS!"

You know the answer here... as you noted, it is really immature. It is a game. His commitment to be a better person is questionable. Time to grow up and stop flirting with his work friends.

I said it was upsetting me the amount of messages going on and he said ok I will cut down. He said I know it looks bad but there is nothing in it. I wouldn't have let you meet each other if it was.


Oh please! He will "cut down"? NOPE. There are 24 hours in a day. If he is going to work on being a better person, increasing the time he spends drinking with buddies after work and texting a girl he works with is not going to help him accomplish this goal.

And as to, "I wouldn't have let you meet each other..." well... kinda lame.

I could be wrong. I HOPE I am wrong. This isn't your fault because you were checking his texts. I don't think you are paranoid, or crazy. He violated your trust before, and he knows this is hurtful but he is doing it again. He needs to face the fact that he can't have everything. Even if this relationship is "nothing", his behavior is at best immature and in my opinion, disrespectful.

If this was your mistake, you would have checked his texts in a weak moment, and discovered that there really WAS nothing and you would have felt foolish, and trusted him more than ever, and not done it again. Your relationship would be stronger and you wouldn't be doubting him or your relationship now.

I wish you the very best. I hope he grows up sooner than later and you work this out as you seem to love him. But if it doesn't, move on and don't blame yourself. "Crazy making" is a tactic of the weak. People often don't have the courage to be honest so they push the buttons of others and then stand back and say, "You're CRAZY! You've CHANGED! I can' take this anymore." You deserve better.

Hugs...

and More hugs. xoxo

I am sorry you are so hurt.

Keep On Dancing*
re: Texting work colleague
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster Comments: 27664, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Fri Jul 28, 2017 08:30 PM
Thankyou for your reply. Everything you said was what I was thinking.

*update* long again sorry!

I decided to stop checking his phone as it didn't feel good snooping around.

He went back home last weekend to see his family and came back Sunday. He didn't text me much during the weekend but he never does really to anyone.

I thought he seemed not himself on Monday and again decided to check his phone. There had been quite a few texts over the weekend (more then texting me) and she sent a photo of herself. He wrote "cute pic, I've saved this" he said he also told his mum and showed her this photo.

I felt sick, and decided to ask him what was wrong. He denied nothing was wrong and then said he was just tired. I kept pushing and then finally he said he isn't happy with life. He said he doesn't know what he wants anymore. He doesn't know if he wants to work at his job, live in this city or be with me.

I asked him again about this other girl and again he said they were just friends but said he has developed small feelings for her. He said that he loves me though and it's not love with her.

I said if you want to continue being with me then you need to stop communicating with her. He said but she's a good friend and we get on well. I said I'm sorry but you can't have both.

He said he wants to go away for a month and think about things and then come back and let me know what he feels as he is confused. I said no you need to make a decision, I'm not waiting for you to decide.

We went to sleep and he fell asleep cuddling me.
He then went to work and then the next evening I said we should talk.
He said he is confused with life and that he loves me but doesn't know if he loves me enough. He said he will stay at a friends house he didn't know how long.

I asked him what he wants to do and he said I think it's over? He was crying, I said is that what you want and he said I don't know.
We talked some more and he said it's best that it's over I'm sorry for breaking your heart. We hugged and I was trying to not cry but couldn't help it.
He said he will pack and leave shortly. I said I'm going for a walk as I do not want to watch you go.

I then called my mum and cried and then spent the night at my best friends house as I didn't want to be alone.

I havnt messaged him nor me. My dad has stayed with me for the past couple of days as I hate being alone especially at night.
He said he will still pay his side of the rent for the next few months until the lease is up. He said he will collect the rest of his things soon.

His family have text me telling me they are shocked and gutted and that he will not find someone like me.
I have days where I feel relieved, gutted, sick, angry everything and cry about twice a day. I have a good support system of family and friends though. Cannot believe this and the fact I'm single and just turned 30, not what I was expecting :(
re: Texting work colleague
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6815, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Fri Jul 28, 2017 10:44 PM
I am heartbroken for you.

I know this is hard at the moment but I am encouraged by the fact that your parents are so supportive and can help their little girl move on.

Sadly, I am not surprised. His behavior sounded immature and extremely selfish, as did the way he ended things. I don't quite believe the other girl isn't a factor. It is impossible to split up to clear one's head...you can't work on a problem apart and you won't work on a problem when there is someone sitting in the get away car with the motor running. This is the dynamic he set up and it isn't at all fair to you. You can only react, not act...not fair.

You sound like a strong, smart woman. Two years from now you will be even stronger and still smart and still very young. I will pray for your continued strength and healing. xoxoxo

Hugs...

Keep On Dancing*
re: Texting work colleague
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster Comments: 27664, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Sat Jul 29, 2017 02:19 AM
Thankyou for your replies Christine. I appreciate it.
re: Texting work colleague (karma: 1)
By Sumayah Comments: 6875, member since Wed Nov 12, 2008
On Mon Jul 31, 2017 02:17 PM
(((HUGS)))

As someone going through relationship trials, I get it. I've no advice, but you are more than the sum of a relationship. You, yourself, are a worthy human being. And you'll get through this. Because you're important. Because you're strong. Because you as you are wonderful. And it probably doesn't feel like it now, but I guarantee that you are.
re: Texting work colleague (karma: 1)
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34891, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Mon Jul 31, 2017 10:29 PM
Yay! Cheater left!

Ok, that sounded kind of callous, but you never got your trust back after the first time, and if he hadn't already done it the second time, he was certainly winding up for the pitch.

Girl, BYE.

Do you want him back? I mean honest. Do you? Do you want to cycle through these feelings every time his eye wanders, or would you rather find a guy that makes you happy, and makes you laugh, and loves you, and is gonna hang with you through the boring parts of the relationship (cause it's not all the honeymoon phase. Sometimes craps dull, and dealing with them is hard, and they leave their toothpaste spittle in the sink for the ten thousandth time even though you SPECIFICALLY said that it's gross)?

Prepare for a life without him. Cause he's probably not coming back. Cry, eat some ice cream, change your hair, get to work on that revenge body. Read stuff. Do stuff. Go places. Ask your dad to help you get out of the lease and move home until you get a safety deposit saved back up, so that his ghost isn't literally following you around. You'll find out in time that this isn't a sad situation, it's good riddance to bad rubbish.

You got this girl!

Comment #10247297 deleted

re: Texting work colleague
By CinderEmma Comments: 135, member since Mon Sep 05, 2016
On Tue Aug 01, 2017 08:17 AM
I always get so choked up when sad things like this happen :C. Stay strong, girl, and I hope you find your true Prince Charming soon!
re: Texting work colleague
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster Comments: 27664, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Fri Aug 04, 2017 01:16 AM
Thankyou everyone.
I can't move home unfortunately as I live In a Different city for dance work.
I have been spending time with friends and family and these days help but then some days are so dark I feel that I will have a break down.
He is looking for somewhere else to live and said he can't afford to pay as much as he was paying for this flat. I asked him is this what you really want? He said yes.
I'm too tired and drained to argue about it so will have to cope with paying a bit more on my side.
I'm thinking of seeing a therapist or something as I'm worried how I will cope for the months ahead.
re: Texting work colleague (karma: 1)
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6815, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Fri Aug 04, 2017 08:59 AM
Seeing a therapist is an excellent thought.

It seems like all your impulses and reactions are spot on, and you deserve to hear that from a professional who can help guide you into the future you deserve.

This man child is sucking the joy out of your life. He can't afford a place? Tough.... He didn't appreciate the life he had. The reality that is going to crash in on him soon is that no matter where he goes, he has to take himself with him... An immature, deceitful, player. I am so sorry you are so sad, but I know this is all part of the process.

It is unlikely that you will ever let another person use you and take you for granted the way this phony guy did. Please don't let your sad feelings now weaken your resolve. You sound like such a smart and good person. You really deserve better.

I also need to point out...30 is YOUNG. Your therapist can help you re-frame some of the down feelings you are experiencing and if nothing else, it will be nice to have someone who cares focus on you and your needs for an hour a week.

Hugs xoxo

Keep On Dancing*

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