Forum: Advice / Secrets PG-13

Secrets PG-13
Need Advice on this Guy
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 27683, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Wed Sep 06, 2017 10:02 PM

I feel lame posting this but I don't really know how dating works since I've been in long relationships only really. I'm 28 by the way.

So this weekend I went away with a girlfriend to relax and have some fun. The first night we both ended up getting pretty drunk and met a group of guys also on vacation. I immediately started talking to J, which is weird because I'm normally very shy when I'm attracted to a guy. One thing led to another and we spent the rest of the night hanging out with the group. At one point J pulled me outside into an alley and we started making out. We decided to go back to his hotel room. We didn't have protection though so we just made out. While waiting for my cab with me he told me "just so you know I can't commit to anything." I laughed it off and said that was fine, 23 were just having a good time. Later that night he added me on Snapchat.
The next morning he messaged me while I was at breakfast with my friend and came down to meet us. After talking for about 30 mins we went back to his room and had really amazing sex. He had to study, I had to meet my friend. So I left immediately after. Never planned on seeing him again.

We were out later that night and he found us and asked me to hang out. We spent about 4 hours talking and having sex. We have a ton of common goals and the same obscure taste in music. He walked me back to my hotel.

Since then I've gotten snap chats where he told me I was beautiful. How I impressed him, and we talked about how great the sex was. He also messaged me yesterday to tell me about a work promotion. This morning he sought me out and requested me on Facebook.

The problem? I'm getting a crush on this guy. We haven't talked today except for the Facebook ad but I've been secretly wishing he would message me all day. We only live an hour apart and I kind of just wNt to hang out with him again, not per se start anything. But I don't know if that's what he wants? I don't want to seem pushy or desperate ya know?

17 Replies to Need Advice on this Guy

re: Need Advice on this Guy
By CinderEmma Comments: 144, member since Mon Sep 05, 2016
On Thu Sep 07, 2017 10:31 AM
If he just got a promotion, then maybe he is busy with work?

Okay, anyways, I think guys seem to have a different approach on when it comes to "calling/texting back' then we do. I think guys are sometimes afraid to make too much contact because they, themselves,do not want to seem desperate. So they wait a little bit longer then they probably should before making contact again. On the other hand, as soon as we lose contact with a guy, we sometimes tend to read into the absense of communication a little more than we should. I'm not saying that this is necessarily the case here, but I'm just trying to point out that men and women think very differently.

Now, it seems like he was very interested in you, and if all he was interested in was sex, he probably wouldn't have requested you on facebook. It's only been one day! Don't freak out just yet, because our hormones can drive us crazy when it comes to waiting for a man to return our calls. I know how it it, checking our cellphones every hour just to see if he left a text message or not. Relax, eat some chocolate, and try to get through this limbo stage. If you don't hear from him tomorrow, then you should probably send a message to him. Desperate? I don't think so. You two had sex and now he isn't going to talk to you for two days?

Maybe message something like, "Hey, I haven't heard back from you for two days, and I just wanted to make sure that something bad didn't happen to you." That way, you are showing concern for his safety and wellbeing as opposed to appearing desperate. If he doesn't respond, then you can start to panic. But I'm guessing that he will respond. And if he doesn't, then he isn't good enough to be with someone like you.
re: Need Advice on this Guy (karma: 2)
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34900, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Thu Sep 07, 2017 02:42 PM
See, I take a dimmer view to this sort of thing.

When he told you he didn't want a girlfriend? BELIEVE HIM. He wants the easy, fun parts of having a girlfriend - the girl that'll jump into bed, the girl that'll puff up his ego when life is going his way. The girl that he doesn't have to take out to dinner, or that new Reese Witherspoon movie, or hold her hand when her confidence bottoms out because nothing in her closet fit and she's positive that means she's getting fat.

He's got it. You check every last one of those boxes. All the fun, none of the committment. That's what you offer.

And, I want to be fair. I slept with my now husband basically the first time we were alone together for more then two seconds. I. GET. IT. I'm just saying - a lot of times with guys, the message you think you're communicating isn't the one they're hearing. So you have to consider your options.

So, your options? Suffer, and deal with the attentions that you get from him, or put it out there. When you put it out there, make it sound low key. Find an event that's closer to him that you want to go to, "Hey, I was going to be near you for 'SuchAndSuch Festival', wanna do lunch?" or whatever. Don't make it sound like you're doing it FOR HIM, make it sound like you're busy, and vital, and got crap that you're about. Make him feel like he's gotta chase you a little.

He's either going to flake (in which case, you'll have your answer), or he'll chase after ya a little (in which case, you'll have your preferred answer).
re: Need Advice on this Guy
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster Comments: 27683, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Fri Sep 08, 2017 08:45 AM
OP HERE:

Thank you both for your advice. I responded to a picture he posted on snapchat last night and it sparked a conversation. He told me how hot I was, and we talked about his new job. He said " I don't want to bore you with all the details, but we can definitely talk about it the next time i'm in your city."
I responded with "Or the next time i'm in yours."
He responded "cool"

I then told him that I had thought about him this week and wanting him again. He said it crossed his mind too. I said I was glad I wasn't the only one. The conversation ended there.

So seems like he wants to keep it casual? Does that sound right?
re: Need Advice on this Guy (karma: 1)
By CinderEmma Comments: 144, member since Mon Sep 05, 2016
On Sat Sep 09, 2017 05:39 AM
It's probably too soon to tell for sure, but it does sound like things are moving in the right direction. I think that long distance relationships are always more difficult because there is a lot less contact and if you aren't communicating by phone or email almost everyday, then the relationship is in "decline mode". Everytime you do make contact with him (ESPECIALLY in actual person), then the relationship is in the "growing phase". Don't smother him, but if the two of you go a whole week (for example) without so much as a single text message, then it is no better than if he were on military leave.

Another issue with long distance relationships is that they require a lot more trust because basically you and your boyfriend have to be on the "honor system" when it comes to staying faithful to each other. But if all this depresses you, don't let it, because one of my distant relatives was in a long-distance relationship for over two years before getting happily married!

And finally, I know it is none of my business, but unless there are plans and sufficient money for supporting a child, I think you should strongly insist on making him use protection. If he refuses, then ask him that if you were to get pregnant, would he support and be there for the baby? This is one of the greatest tests to see if your man is really a true and responsible man.

XOXOXO
Emma
re: Need Advice on this Guy (karma: 1)
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6848, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Sat Sep 09, 2017 12:53 PM
I hate to be a heartbreaker here, but the fact that he made it so clear up front that he didn't want this to go anywhere, and the fact that he hasn't initiated any contact doesn't offer much hope for a real future.
"just so you know I can't commit to anything."
Notice he said, "CAN'T"

For not wishing to commit, he was pretty "available" while out of town, but since he went back to his real life? Well....
He said " I don't want to bore you with all the details, but we can definitely talk about it the next time i'm in your city."
I responded with "Or the next time i'm in yours."
He responded "cool"
Definitely get to know each other better at a LATER DATE.

Has it occurred to you that he "can't commit" because he is already "committed" to someone else?

I could be wrong... I HOPE I'm wrong....but honestly, you deserve better. Anyone can tell you you're "hot" and relive "amazing sex" in his imagination and on the phone but really? An hour is not too far to drive for someone you are "impressed" with. Maybe later? NOPE....

Half the people I know commute an hour to work everyday. And that's for a JOB...not FUN.

You really deserve someone who wants to spend time with you for more than out of town sex.

You've already made a number of moves to indicate you'd like to see him. Give it a rest and if he doesn't contact you, move on.

I'm sorry....

Really.

Keep On Dancing*
re: Need Advice on this Guy
By CinderEmma Comments: 144, member since Mon Sep 05, 2016
On Sun Sep 10, 2017 04:49 AM
Edited by CinderEmma (277630) on 2017-09-10 04:59:06 spelling and grammar
Edited by CinderEmma (277630) on 2017-09-10 05:03:52 Punctuation
Christine wrote:

I hate to be a heartbreaker here, but the fact that he made it so clear up front that he didn't want this to go anywhere, and the fact that he hasn't initiated any contact doesn't offer much hope for a real future.
"just so you know I can't commit to anything."
Notice he said, "CAN'T"

For not wishing to commit, he was pretty "available" while out of town, but since he went back to his real life? Well....
He said " I don't want to bore you with all the details, but we can definitely talk about it the next time i'm in your city."
I responded with "Or the next time i'm in yours."
He responded "cool"
Definitely get to know each other better at a LATER DATE.

Has it occurred to you that he "can't commit" because he is already "committed" to someone else?

I could be wrong... I HOPE I'm wrong....but honestly, you deserve better. Anyone can tell you you're "hot" and relive "amazing sex" in his imagination and on the phone but really? An hour is not too far to drive for someone you are "impressed" with. Maybe later? NOPE....

Half the people I know commute an hour to work everyday. And that's for a JOB...not FUN.

You really deserve someone who wants to spend time with you for more than out of town sex.

You've already made a number of moves to indicate you'd like to see him. Give it a rest and if he doesn't contact you, move on.

I'm sorry....

Really.

Keep On Dancing*


I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but honestly, due to the full day of no contact and his apparent lack of serious commitment, it is starting to look more and more like this guy is just interested in sex. Christine has noted a lot of good hints that I overlooked, and I kind of have to agree with her. Like her, I also hope I am wrong about this guy, but he really needs to step it up if he wants to make the cut.

I know there are a lot of good guys out there, but unfortunately, nowadays there seems to be even more that believe that all there is to life is sex. These are guys that you want to watch out for. SUPPOSE this is one of those guys. If that is the case here, right now he is probably thinking "I want to hang on to this girl because she is giving me sex. I just need to be careful not to get too close to her or get too emotionally involved in any relationship." THAT SAID, if you continue to see this guy, have sex with him, and play his game while he still doesn't want to commit to the relationship, then what you are basically communicating to him is "I'm okay with having sex with you without the commitment."
If I may speak in metaphors, you want a romantic, well-cooked dinner by candlelight while he wants fast food.

So what do I think you should do?

Up the ante. Find some way to tell him "no romance, no sex" (but probably not in those exact words). Make sure you don't use words like "maybe" (which to him will mean "probably"), or "right now" as in "I'm not interested in a long-distance relationship right now" (which to him will mean "wait a few weeks and then come back again"), or "try" and "more" as in him agreeing to "try to be in your life more" (which to him means "I'll just give in a little bit, just enough to make you happy.") It's either "all" or "nothing"..."yes" or "no"..."I WILL commit" or "I WON'T commit".

Make sure he understands that you are a woman and a human being, and that if he wants the priviligege of your company, then he has to treat you with respect and not like a piece of meat. He needs to move closer to you or do something to show he is really interested in a romantic relationship. Otherwise he is just using you.
re: Need Advice on this Guy (karma: 1)
By hummingbird Comments: 10430, member since Mon Apr 18, 2005
On Sun Sep 10, 2017 04:39 PM
CinderEmma I love that you're getting so involved here but the guy says he can't commit to anything. That's a no, it's not a maybe or a possibly or a chase me, it's a no.
re: Need Advice on this Guy
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34900, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Sun Sep 10, 2017 06:53 PM

Make sure he understands that you are a woman and a human being, and that if he wants the priviligege of your company, then he has to treat you with respect and not like a piece of meat. He needs to move closer to you or do something to show he is really interested in a romantic relationship. Otherwise he is just using you.


He already told her he doesn't want a romantic relationship. He was pretty specific about it. So how is "Hey, if you really do want this thing you specifically said you didn't want, then you need to start making more effort!" supposed to work in her favor?
re: Need Advice on this Guy
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster Comments: 27683, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Mon Sep 11, 2017 10:39 AM
OP HERE:

I wanted to thank every one for taking the time to give advice. My gut feeling, of course, is that he doesn't want anything more, so I appreciate the realism that some of you explained.

The one thing I find strange is that he keeps messaging me? Pictures of his dog, talking about his new job and asking for advice, that I am beautiful, when he is out with his friends, etc. He messaged me every day this past weekend.

Though I do have a crush on him I am expecting nothing out of it. I would like to get to know him as a friend though (I just moved here a year ago and am really shy.. its been hard for me to meet people that I have things in common with.)

So I was just told that I have four days off this weekend randomly. I was thinking of mentioning this in casual conversation saying I am looking for something to do. See if he wants to hang out? If not I feel that I've pretty much got my answer of things being at his convenience only.

What do you guys think?
re: Need Advice on this Guy (karma: 1)
By CinderEmma Comments: 144, member since Mon Sep 05, 2016
On Tue Sep 12, 2017 12:46 AM
I'm afraid that I have nothing more to say.
re: Need Advice on this Guy
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 27683, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Tue Sep 12, 2017 12:48 AM
A friends with benefits relationship can be great, but you can't fall for the friend. He has been very clear where he stands here (without using the phrase friends with benefits), but you need to decide what you want. Go along for the ride or cut him loose? Yes it can be mutually beneficial, but don't put anything on this other than what it is, hooking up between people who get along but are not in a relationship. At the very worst, you have gotten some great sex out of this.
re: Need Advice on this Guy
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster Comments: 27683, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Wed Sep 13, 2017 12:44 PM
Thanks guys. He messaged me this morning asking if I wanted to hang out this weekend. Im going up and having dinner with him. Guess ill get my answers then. I appreciate everybody's advice and input.

Now im nervous. Haha
re: Need Advice on this Guy
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6848, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Wed Sep 13, 2017 05:50 PM
CinderEmma wrote:

I'm afraid that I have nothing more to say.


When I read your last post, I thought, Emma has it right...it's all been said.

THAT said....

Since you are going to jump in, please review all the good advice already suggested above.

1) USE PROTECTION.

2) When he says he isn't interested, believe him!

3) Be honest with yourself about your own expectations and make sure you communicate them clearly.

and not listed above, but I will add....

PLEASE DRIVE CAREFULLY.

XOXO

Keep On Dancing*
re: Need Advice on this Guy
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster Comments: 27683, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Wed Sep 13, 2017 06:11 PM
Thanks Christine!

We have already and will continue to use protection. :)

I'm planning on having a talk with him after that night about expectations and everything so I can feel comfortable deciding if it is something I would like to continue.
re: Need Advice on this Guy
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 11326, member since Sun Nov 23, 2003
On Thu Sep 14, 2017 10:29 AM
Edited by TheMidlakeMuse (78507) on 2017-09-14 10:31:36
Edited by TheMidlakeMuse (78507) on 2017-09-14 10:53:23
Maybe it's because I'm in a similar situation, but this all sounds pretty normal to me for two people getting to know each other? Some of these responses strike me as off the charts bonkers.

I've been dating a guy in a different city for about two months, and although we've both made it known we're pretty crazy about each other and we're exclusive, we haven't really made anything official because being long-distance is kind of difficult and slow-moving for something new. We both got out of pretty long term relationships (me, 4 year marriage, almost 11 years together; him, 5 year partnership) and at first I asked him out and agreed to go on one date. That date went...pretty amazingly. Then he came and visited me this past weekend. I'm coming up tomorrow and he talked me from staying for dinner to the entire weekend. For me it's gone from "whoo, free dinner and some smoochin'!" to "whoops, I'm catching feelings for you" on both our ends. Things are trending towards a relationship, but I'm not in a hurry. For me, anyway, I think it's a little early for a DTR ('define the relationship' conversation).

He's not just texting you "wyd" at 3am, he's sharing little things about his life with you. He's obviously liking the style you're bringing to the table. Seems kind of premature to either cut bait or ask for a committed relationship. Why not just wait a little longer and see what happens?
re: Need Advice on this Guy
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster Comments: 27683, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Thu Sep 14, 2017 12:45 PM
Thank you for the reply. He texted me yesterday asking me to go to the symphony with him tomorrow night. That makes it not feel just like fwb to me so I'm going to put on my patient pants and see where the road takes me.

Good luck to you with your guy as well!
re: Need Advice on this Guy
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster Comments: 27683, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Mon Sep 25, 2017 01:57 PM
I just thought I would give a quick update, if any one cared. Haha

We have spent the past two weekends together. This past weekend he drove down to see me for my birthday and to meet all of my friends. Before going to my party he asked if we could talk for a minute. He let me know that he really liked me and did see a future with us, he just wants to take things kind of slow. I told him that I felt the same exact way as I really haven't had the greatest relationships. He said he just wants to spend some more time together but that he does want me to be his girlfriend sometime soon.

All of my friends adored him. The next day we went to breakfast, the bookstore, and the zoo before he went home. I'm really excited on seeing where this goes. I appreciate everybodys advice and listening.:)

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