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Secrets PG-13
Nasty rumour about me, what to do?
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 27682, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Tue Sep 12, 2017 03:04 PM

I'm in a really stupid situation at the moment.

Someone messaged my boyfriend in the middle of the night saying I've been subtly harassing her, and attacking her honour with mean and untrue judgements. She said she's stop writing to him if it bothers me so much, but that I can't treat her this way.

Only the problem is, I don't interact with her much at all. I didn't know she wrote to my boyfriend before. When she and I meet, it's usually a bit of small talk about whatever event we're attending, and usually in front of one or two other people. I had no idea anything was wrong between us.

Boyfriend showed me her letter this morning, and I wrote to her that I had never said a word against her even in private, and that whatever I did to offend her, she should tell me so that I can stop doing it.

She responded with something that made me feel weird: she promised that this would be between us only, but I never requested secrecy. Quite frankly, there is nothing for me to hide. She said she didn't want to talk about it anymore, but when my boyfriend responded to her, she started messaging both of us--that my denial is the exact response she expected, that any attempts to resolve the situation only leads to petty bickering, and she won't stoop to that, like me (I had sent two messages, tone is professional, but not unfriendly); in addition, she doesn't want to talk to me ever again.

And just yesterday she was tagging me in Facebook posts after the event.

Boyfriend did mention that she sent him an invitation to a small party. He said she invited me as well, but funnily enough, she didn't write to me, only to him.

I have a gut feeling that she has a crush on my boyfriend, and that the letter to him last night was written and sent on impulse. She didn't expect him to show it to me, and keeps attacking me (or defending herself) while refusing to tell either of us what I did wrong, and when. Since she couldn't very well admit that she wanted to make me look bad in front of him, she said she didn't want to discuss it anymore. However, she got passive-aggressive here, so I clarified that I don't check my boyfriend's email or phone. It's part of his job to communicate with a lot of people, including her, and there's no reason for me to get jealous because all this is strictly professional. That must have sounded like a cruel rejection for her. It was after the clarification that she got really offensive.

In the past we exchanged phone numbers when she got a fever, so I wanted her to have a safety net in case it got worse. We made vague plans to go to a coffee shop sometime, but for some reason I never tried making any concrete plans.

My boyfriend and I trust each other and have never felt the need to snoop around. At the same time, we also don't feel the need to hide things from each other, so I guess we'll be fine. But I'm a bit worried about the reputation. I don't want to be known as the jealous girlfriend who gets in the way of his professional work. I have my insecurities, but not there.

9 Replies to Nasty rumour about me, what to do?

re: Nasty rumour about me, what to do?
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster Comments: 27682, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Tue Sep 12, 2017 03:07 PM
Sorry, I meant, what is the most mature way to deal with a situation like this? Should I tell a trusted girlfriend of someone higher up?

She is 33 years old, and I just turned 24. I think we're both way too old for this.
re: Nasty rumour about me, what to do?
By kandykanePremium member Comments: 16424, member since Mon May 01, 2006
On Tue Sep 12, 2017 08:08 PM
You don't refer to this person as a friend. Is she a coworker of your boyfriend?
re: Nasty rumour about me, what to do?
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6845, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Tue Sep 12, 2017 10:14 PM
I know it is really hard, but the most mature way to handle this is to IGNORE it.

Her accusations were odd, at best. You know the truth, and given the fact that SHE initiated this discussion with your boyfriend, her reaction is also odd.

The age difference between the two of you makes it all the more odd. Is your boyfriend her age? If not..... just chalk it up to an unbalanced person and keep the lines of communication on the subject open... WIDE open, with your boyfriend. No need to fan the fires or give it any more attention... just say, "Wow... this is so weird. Let me know if anything else develops." And then move on with your good life.

Don't bother responding to this woman again. If you must, simply say, "Boyfriend and I agree that this entire episode must be a misunderstanding as neither of us give you this much thought. We hope you are wiser in the future and ask that whatever gossip mill you are connected to delete both of us from their radar. We have neither the time nor the inclination to be sucked into this high school level nonsense." Make sure he assists with sending the message.

This is just stupid!

Hugs to you...xoxo

Keep On Dancing*
re: Nasty rumour about me, what to do?
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster Comments: 27682, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Wed Sep 13, 2017 12:53 AM
Thanks for the response, Christine.

Boyfriend is almost 30, but looks about my age. The girl and I are more like friendly acquaintances. We see each other at work sometimes, but don't spend time alone. I've been busy and tired recently, and don't even get to see friends much, so I didn't really think about her. She has these movie events, and I went mostly to be polite and let some other colleagues know I'm still alive, but the last time only three people showed up. She's an intern, actually, but my boyfriend isn't her boss. In terms of rank in the workplace, my boyfriend and I are more equal.

He also told me to ignore the issue, but this morning said that she messaged him again last night (after midnight, because that's when he last checked messages). Since I was pressed for time this morning, I didn't want to talk about it just then.

At this point it's even weirder, but I do have proof that I did not say anything out of place. I know you advised to ignore it, but would it be weird to tell someone higher up, or even a close girlfriend?
re: Nasty rumour about me, what to do?
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34900, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Wed Sep 13, 2017 11:11 AM
At this point it's even weirder, but I do have proof that I did not say anything out of place. I know you advised to ignore it, but would it be weird to tell someone higher up, or even a close girlfriend?


You can if you want, but be advised...she's gonna use it against you.

The smartest possible thing for you both to do is ignore her. She's not contacting him about work, so he's under no obligation to answer her, and you can verify that she isn't telling the truth anyway.

Crazy can't exist in a vacuum. As long as she keeps getting responses, she'll keep being crazy - CAUSE IT'S WORKING. Unfollow her on Facebook - not unfriend, she'll be watching for that. Unfollow her, so her stuff doesn't show up on your feed anymore, but it still looks like you're friends. Mute her on Twitter if you follow her there.

Stop feeding this. You're asking for permission to play her game. Don't.
re: Nasty rumour about me, what to do?
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 27682, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Wed Sep 13, 2017 12:49 PM
It seems like she's feeding the fire waiting for a reaction from you. Maybe she does like your boyfriend? I honestly would not entertain anything from her. I know that is hard and it is human nature to defend yourself and fight back. The moment though that you start feeding into it, she can turn it and make it look like you actually did do something.

As we say in my hometown: girl is cray-cray.
re: Nasty rumour about me, what to do?
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6845, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Wed Sep 13, 2017 03:00 PM
anonymous wrote:

The girl and I are more like friendly acquaintances. We see each other at work sometimes, but don't spend time alone. ... She has these movie events, and I went mostly to be polite and let some other colleagues know I'm still alive, but the last time only three people showed up. She's an intern, actually, but my boyfriend isn't her boss. In terms of rank in the workplace, my boyfriend and I are more equal.

He also told me to ignore the issue, but this morning said that she messaged him again last night (after midnight, because that's when he last checked messages). Since I was pressed for time this morning, I didn't want to talk about it just then.

At this point it's even weirder, but I do have proof that I did not say anything out of place. I know you advised to ignore it, but would it be weird to tell someone higher up, or even a close girlfriend?


Hum.... I suspect alcohol is involved in these late night texts and perhaps her fantasy life is spilling over into her real life. Her disappointing "events" being poorly attended may be fueling her insecurities as well.

I would refrain from bringing this into work, although for your own protection I would document all this nonsense just in case she brings it to work. Frankly, she sounds that crazy. Open an e mail file and screen shot/email all the texts she's sent as well as the Tag fest she had on Facebook. Her conspiratorial "let's keep this between us" is rather sinister, since you feel there was nothing to keep secret. This is a page from the playbook of a sociopath! Create some kind of doubt about your reality, and at the same time establish a, "If you quote me I'll deny it", unspoken threat. She is really too old for this stuff. This is the behavior of a damaged eleven year old.

You also mentioned you have "proof"? Just keep a time line journal to include in your personal "file". Right now you don't think you will forget the details, but God forbid this ridiculous woman come forward with some more crazy accusations to anyone at work, you really want to be able to protect yourself. For example, if someone in HR came to you and said, "Ms. Wacko says you are harassing her and making it impossible for her to do her job", you would then be able to open the file and say, "I am not surprised, although I am bitterly disappointed. When this first started, we (boyfriend and yourself) thought she was just a mean drunk texting late night, and thought it best to just ignore it. We had hoped she was in an alcoholic black out and would forget it, but due to the nature of the lies, we started to document the activity." You can then produce all the proof, and the fact that you didn't try to stir up trouble for this person initially will speak volumes.

Sadly, it sounds like for what ever reason, this grown woman is Jr. High School jealous of you. Perhaps it's work, perhaps it's your boyfriend, perhaps it is that others you work with find you nice, kind, and likable. Some people just can't stand to see others doing well. Sick, I know...but as the song goes, "If you knew my story, you'd have a good story to tell." Through the years, I've had a few "encounters" with jealous crazies as well. Just another tale as old as time. All the way back to Cane and Able! Disney stories are full of this scenario. I am really, REALLY, sorry you are experiencing this. It is unfair, hurtful, and distracting. I am glad your boyfriend is being mature and open about it and that you two can confide in each other. If you both ignore her, I suspect she will continue to try to turn your boyfriend against you and at some point, he will respond with, "Please don't text me anymore. You know this is crazy. Get some professional help before you do something really stupid." Humiliating, not what she hopes for, and likely enough to make her find a new job! (just a bit of "schadenfruede" to look forward to should this escalate.)

You have my deepest sympathies. I hope this ends quickly and all these precautions prove unnecessary. When people act this way, I often think, "Why The Ark? We humans are a deeply flawed lot."

Hugs xoxo

Keep On Dancing*

ps... as to confiding in a close friend.... it's your call. But be aware that unless the friend has proven to be a "vault", sometimes a secret is something that people tell others one at a time. You tell her, and swear her to secrecy. She tells another and swears them to secrecy. And so on,..... For now, I would keep it low key, between you and your boyfriend and your secret file. Why let this vicious woman have reason to believe she matters at all to either of you?
re: Nasty rumour about me, what to do?
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster Comments: 27682, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Sun Sep 17, 2017 09:50 AM
Thanks for the responses, everyone. Here are some updates:

She stopped writing to me after the first day, and I stopped responding. However, she continued to contact my boyfriend, and he spent over half a workday talking with her on the internet. She finally gave a reason for being mad at me, which was that sometime in spring, my boyfriend gave her his ID to open a door, and I snatched it out of her hand, leaving her in shock. My boyfriend does remember giving her the ID, and me returning it, but the event she was talking about happened last autumn, not spring. In addition, when she passed me the ID, she first put it on a table. We weren't alone, either, and boyfriend said snatching it doesn't sound like something I'd do. She wasn't able to respond to what he said, though, but continued to insist that I've been harassing her, so he pressed for more details.

Then she said that I've been contributing to a negative work environment by complaining about the bosses to the new people we hired. So boyfriend asked what this has to do with me personally harassing her, and she couldn't answer either. In addition, he said this doesn't sound like something I'd do, especially since I haven't met the new people. He also wanted to know why she put him in the middle of this, but there also wasn't an answer. But whenever he tried to resolve the issue by saying it's a misunderstanding, and that I don't have bad intentions against her, she'd bring forth more vague complaints, and he'd question her for details again, but she wouldn't be able to give any, so he'd try to resolve it, but she'd have more vague complaints and so on and so forth...

My boyfriend usually deletes his Facebook messages, but decided to keep this conversation just in case.

Thanks for all your helpful advice, and Christine, thank you especially for your support. It was a bit weird knowing that an acquaintance not only suddenly hates me, but has hated me for at least half a year. It's really a bit of a curveball, but I'll be fine.
re: Nasty rumour about me, what to do?
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6845, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Mon Sep 18, 2017 06:31 PM
It sounds like it is starting to unravel already.

Her story doesn't add up, your boyfriend called her on it, and basically, she has been outed as a petty idiot... oh well!

I hoped I was wrong about the work place nonsense but based on what she said to your boyfriend, it confirms my fear

Then she said that I've been contributing to a negative work environment by complaining about the bosses to the new people we hired. So boyfriend asked what this has to do with me personally harassing her, and she couldn't answer either. In addition, he said this doesn't sound like something I'd do, especially since I haven't met the new people. He also wanted to know why she put him in the middle of this, but there also wasn't an answer.[q/]

So... she is failing to make a good impression at work and rather than adjust her own output or behavior, she is looking for a scapegoat. Good luck, Baby! It sounds like the poor attendance at her last movie party may have been more telling than you suspected.

I am really happy your boyfriend handled this so brilliantly. (I venture to say, "He is a keeper" xoxo)

I hope this dies down quickly. This woman is poison and it is time she moves on.

Hugs xoxo

Keep On Dancing*

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