Forum: Advice / Secrets PG-13

Secrets PG-13
Best friend might be bullying me
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 27682, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Mon Sep 18, 2017 05:54 AM

I have a really strange friendship going on. In the beginning we told each other everything, but later she seemed to contradict herself a lot. For example, I've struggled with depression for over a decade, and she has this tendency to romanticise depression as something poetic, deep and edgy. I've pointed out many times that this isn't exactly how depression works, but she just kept doing that. In the end I decided not to take it personally because at the time she had a crush on someone who romanticised being an outcast, so I thought maybe it had nothing to do with me, even though it came across as unsupportive (and when I was trying my best not to self-harm, it felt even insulting).

At school there's a group of kids who consider themselves cooler than the rest. They're pretty mean, and they chose three targets for bullying. I'm one of them, but the other two get it much worse. When school started, my friend hung out with them a lot, and they'd talk about me behind my back. And the weirdest part is that they make fun of my "mental issues", but since I keep these issues relatively private, the only way they could have known is through my friend.

Once in class I saw their group chat over her shoulder, and they were actually making fun of me online while I was in class right next to them. That night I told my friend that I'm done with trying to be friendly to the group, and that I simply don't like them. Her answer was that they don't like me either, so I'm definitely not hurting their feelings. I found this rather cold.

She ditches me for "cooler" people all the time, but when these people aren't around, she sometimes checks up on me. She used to tell me her secrets, but have stopped; recently she got into a new relationship, but all she'd say about the new guy is that he's great, he's working all the time, he's really mature or something like that; there are no details otherwise. I did share more details about my boyfriend, but after our conversations I get the feeling that I said more than I should.

Also, someone else stopped talking to me after hearing from the bullies that I have "mental issues". It's just depression, but sometimes the old rumours are still going around, and this person is from an exceptionally conservative culture, let's say. So I ranted to my friend about that, and today I see on Facebook that they are making plans to hang out together, even though neither really knew the other before. I'm not sure whether I'm being paranoid and taking things too personally or if something is going on.

I would have dropped the friend a long time ago, but when I put some distance between us, she'd write to my boyfriend to check if I'm okay. Also, since I don't share my birthday on Facebook, no one really knows it, but she remembered and gave me a present. With her, it's always a little bit hard to tell. She used to say the popular group is shallow, and that she wanted to stop hanging out with them, but after talking to them about what a needy loser I am, she'll tell me that they're the most considerate people she's ever met. In general, I'm really confused. If anyone can give me some advice or insight, I'd appreciate it a lot.

1 Replies to Best friend might be bullying me

re: Best friend might be bullying me
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6848, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Fri Sep 22, 2017 10:13 PM
Oh Sweetie.... this person is not "best friend" material. She may be the best you have a the moment but she is not a keeper.

If I try to look at her behavior in the most forgiving, compassionate, understanding way I can muster the most I can do is say, I suspect she is extremely immature, insecure, insincere, and manipulative to say nothing of disloyal and untrustworthy.

If I were on the receiving end of any of this behavior, as you are, I would judge her to be mean spirited, back stabbing, twisted, dishonest, and evil.

That may seem harsh... I'm sure there was a good reason you were close once upon a time, but it is NEVER ok to launch a social climb on the back of a genuine friend. Is she so lacking in desirable traits herself and so desperate for shallow popularity that it was necessary to sharpen her teeth on your confidences rather than sharpen her own wit, good nature, friendliness, sense of humor, or accomplishments, to use as tools to wiggle her way into a seat at the cool kids table?

A day may come when this person grows up enough to be ashamed of her immature behavior. I remember betraying the confidence of a girl who had been a good neighborhood friend when I thought it would make me seem cooler with the popular kids.... I was 13 years old and I am still ashamed of the pain I caused her simply because I was so star struck with the future cheerleaders of America I acted impulsively and unkindly. In the case of this girl though, it is not an isolated incident. Her "go to" seems to be a recurring behavior. I suspect your friend's betrayal has more to do with her own neediness than anything you did, do, or deserve. I wish I had been a better person at the time. I wish your friend was a better person now.

Sadly, humans are a flawed lot. I don't expect you to forgive or trust your friend, especially since at this point it is likely she will not be capable of growing up fast enough to resist hurting you again. However, I do hope that you are able to not take her bad behavior to heart and think less of yourself in any way. Your own insight into the behavior and your ability to note unacceptable behavior on her part rather than turn it back on yourself shows remarkable maturity and indicates great skill at managing your own tendency to depression. CELEBRATE YOU!

For now, I would just cool things a bit with her. I wouldn't let her manipulate you into escalating the riff and I would be cautious of her trying to pull your boyfriend into her dramatic action. I would simply say, "She has been really mean to me and I'd rather not talk about it. I prefer to think about happy things, not her." And then DO JUST THAT. Fill your days, thoughts, plans, and dreams, with things that make you feel good about yourself, your future, and how you are spending your time. People who behave like these gossipy kids rarely stay focused on others for very long. They are too self absorbed and uncaring to think about much more than themselves. If you don't respond to their hatefulness, you will quickly drop off their radar.

I am truly sorry you have had this experience. I promise you, life will get better. I don't know a single well adjusted adult who remembers this part of their life fondly. The up side? The lessons you glean from this will make you a much wiser person in the years to come.

Hugs...xoxo

Keep On Dancing*

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