Forum: Arts / Diaries

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re: Living on the Upside Down (karma: 1)
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun May 20, 2018 10:30 PM
From this weekend:

"We're going to be that grossly affectionate old couple who still pinches each other's butts, aren't we?"
"I've felt calmer since I met you. It's just such a sense of deep contentment, nothing can rattle me."
"I miss you when you're not around but I feel at peace when I realize this is just temporary."
"I really like the idea of us growing old together."
"You make me want to be a better person. I've never felt this way about anyone before."

(insert heart eyes emoji x 1000)
re: Living on the Upside Down
By Sumayah
On Wed May 23, 2018 12:04 PM
😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍
re: Living on the Upside Down
By Chaconnemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat May 26, 2018 09:57 PM
Oh.... Does anyone think this might get rather serious? :P


Jon
re: Living on the Upside Down
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun May 27, 2018 11:19 AM
L got his check yesterday and sent me a picture. I don't know if I just forgot, or I'm used to seeing contestants' winnings that are more typically around the $1k or $2k mark. I just saw it and laughed. He said he wouldn't be able to deposit it until after the holiday, so naturally I reminded him of all the Memorial Day mattress sales he's going to be missing. He says it'll probably take some time to clear but it should be in his account by the time I get up here. (No, I did not ask what he's thinking.)

And speaking of that certain game show--he totally twisted my arm into applying to audition. I had no interest initially, because the format is not something that just comes naturally to me. But he pointed out that even as a former contestant he was eligible to be my "plus one" on the show and I'd be able to call on him to help me answer a question I was stumped on.

And that's what appealed to me and tipped the scales. When he did the second game show, he went in with no expectations and doing so well kind of redeemed his experience with his first game show. It ameliorated the disappointment he felt.

I don't really have any regrets about the amount I won. It was a cool thing that happened, and even though I was bereft at the time (mostly because I was hoping to singlehandedly lift me and my ex out of poverty, or at least have a few hard years feel less dire), I'm at peace with it. But the part that I'd like to re-do is not having to go it alone. I was the only person on tape day that had NOBODY there to cheer me on, and consequently nobody to help me work through my emotions when I didn't win big. After our separation my ex actually expressed regret that he hadn't gone with me. It's probably just as well. Ex was not great at comforting and probably would have just made me more upset.

So when presented as a fun couple thing to do, I actually did want to do it. He'd be there to support me, whether it's a celebration or disappointment. It's filmed in Las Vegas, and I've never set foot in Nevada, so it's not like we couldn't have fun after my taping.

I mean I'm probably getting ahead of myself here, but he basically thinks I'll get insta-cast because I'm young and female and pretty (his words, not mine. :P) Plus I really played up the Harvey angle, and they eat that stuff up.

So, we'll see.
re: Living on the Upside Down
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue May 29, 2018 01:41 PM
Yoooooo guess who got a call from casting today?
re: Living on the Upside Down
By Sumayah
On Wed May 30, 2018 08:46 AM
Image hotlink - 'https://media.giphy.com/media/l8XYZYdlOHSrS/giphy.gif'

YAAAA YYYY !!!!

I'M SO EXCITED FOR YOU!!!!
re: Living on the Upside Down
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Fri Jun 01, 2018 10:33 AM
Had my test yesterday (the trivia portion) and I passed. Final stage is the "personality interview" and I feel like Miss America. Before the video call I have to send in three recent pictures of myself from the waist up, straight on, and I am finding that the hardest part of all of this. FAT GIRLS KNOW THE ANGLES. This is not one of them.

Taking the bus and spending the weekend with L in a fancy shmancy hotel. It's absurd how much I've missed him.
re: Living on the Upside Down
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jun 05, 2018 04:01 PM
Edited by TheMidlakeMuse (78507) on 2018-06-05 16:02:42
Personality interview complete. I've been passed along to the producers and I was told to watch my email and keep my schedule open, but that doesn't help ameliorate the crippling self-doubt I'm feeling right now. We futzed with my meds since the new dosage was making me really angry and agitated for no good reason, and I'm back to feeling more myself--except I think it's tipped me from hypomania back to depression again. Oh well.

But, if I can, I want to whine about something that's totally not really fair to whine about.

So, a little while ago, L was visiting and we were coming back from a family dinner. Earlier in the week I'd substituted as a trivia host at a venue I'd never worked before, and in walked a complete DOUBLE of my ex. It was really weird because I genuinely thought it was him at first. It wasn't (because he wasn't social and didn't ever do anything fun), but that was a strange thing that happened. I'd never run into him for real! Ha ha.

Anywho, we were staying in a hotel on the west side and I suggested we get a couple fancy beers and get blotto in our room while watching SNL, which has kind of become our tradition. I knew there was a (special, Houston-only) liquor store (that I wanted to show L) near where I used to live, and it was on the way. So we went. Picked out our fancy beers. A few little snacks. And then I walked outside and I saw a car that was the same model as my ex's that had just pulled up. I thought to myself, hey, what a weird coincidence. And then I saw my ex in the driver's seat. With a girl in the passenger side. (I say girl, because she looked like she was in her early 20s. My ex is turning 40 this year.)

And it was just kind of gross. In the abstract, I was okay with him dating again, but having it not be abstract was a little bit shocking. It just brought up all those feelings of hurt and betrayal and anger that I'd had when I found out the affair had been going on for a year without me knowing. And I felt played again. He'd reached out to me when what would have been our 5th wedding anniversary rolled around, about how sad he was, and I was super mature and told him I was sorry he was still having trouble with this, and wished him nothing but the best. And I'd text occasionally about the cats and ask how he was doing because he had so few friends (a major problem in our relationship). I was still emotionally caretaking for his dumb ass. And I felt stupid.

L was, of course, amazing. He totally understood why I was feeling what I was feeling as he'd had a similar experience earlier in the week with his ex. So he made me lots of strong drinks, and cuddled, and laughed so hard at this skit which might be my favorite SNL bit ever, and kissed a whole lot, as we do.

Last night I went out to a bar in my old neighborhood (where I used to live with ex) with my friend, who was in town from the Midwest, and learned definitively that my ex has a "roommate". (My friends' parents, his landlord, totally raised the rent on him, so I can at least feel good about that.) I guess it was the girl I saw in his car a few weeks ago. And I just feel gutted.

Please let me clarify: there is no way in hell that I want him back, or wish that things were different. I love my life right now. I have an amazing partner that's whip-smart, funny, empathetic, and meets my needs. But he's the one that cheated. He's the one that provided the breaking point for our marriage. He doesn't get to be happy and have someone to come home to. It's totally fracking unfair. And it's not like I can go off on him and get the catharsis that comes with that--the anniversary of our separation is coming up. What am I gonna be like? "I'm mad at you for dating someone else, because you're supposed to be broken forever and never have a happy day in your life"?

Going back to the old neighborhood, and thinking about what used to be--not even that long ago!--felt musty and stale in my mouth. I'm thinking about consciously avoiding that area until I move, because it doesn't do good things for me. I want to run away.
re: Living on the Upside Down
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jun 05, 2018 10:42 PM
We’re probably not going to see each other until the end of the month and I really did not need that today.
re: Living on the Upside Down (karma: 1)
By Sumayah
On Wed Jun 06, 2018 12:05 PM
"he's the one that cheated. He's the one that provided the breaking point for our marriage. He doesn't get to be happy and have someone to come home to. It's totally fracking unfair. And it's not like I can go off on him and get the catharsis that comes with that"

My friend, you are not wrong. And I wish him the same thing I wish on B: every and any inconvenience possible. I wish your ex low air pressure in his tires. I wish him a car that drifts and lists to the side even after having the alignment fixed. I wish that his power goes off and on sporadically and he has to constantly reset all his clocks. I wish that his car always ends up with bird crap and tree pollen on it. I wish him weevils in his dry goods. I wish his soap and toilet paper always run out before payday. I wish him a refrigerator that doesn't seal properly. I wish him a freezer that freezes too well and gets encased in ice. I wish his packages get delivered to the wrong address. I wish him every small, irritating, gets under you skin thing possible.

Because he doesn't get to be happy.

He doesn't deserve it.

Not right now. Maybe later, much later. But right now, he doesn't get to casually move on and be okay. He deserves to be miserable and feel that what he did was wrong. And that how he acted was wrong. And that he owes you so much more than an apology.

Right now? Right now you get to be vindicated. You get to glory in the realization that you are loved and amazing and you have found someone who is genuine and cares about you and thinks you're the absolute bee's knees. And he gets to be miserable. That's the deal.

So those are my wishes.

And by the way? You are the freakin' bee's knees. And you are loved. And you came out of this marriage so far ahead. And just because he has a roommate, I wouldn't bet he's happy. He's probably using her, as he used you, and she'll hopefully wise up and leave.

You rock. <3
re: Living on the Upside Down
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Jun 07, 2018 08:00 PM
What a difference 48 hours makes. I am still really squicked out that there is some 20-something stranger living in the house that used to be mine, sleeping in the bed that I bought...(shudder). But. It is what it is.

Tuesday night I had asked L when we'd see each other again and he said the next time he could come into town was probably June 29. That was...unexpected. He was going to Kansas this weekend to visit a friend, and then he's got to stay in town to take care of a friend's dogs when she has a baby, so he can't make plans for the next couple weeks depending on when baby comes. (Now keep in mind, I KNEW THIS WEEKS AGO, I'VE MET THEIR ANIMALS, HE HAS NOT MADE THIS UP.) But I cried a lot because that was an awfully long way to go before I'd see him again, and Depression Brain said "he's sick of being around you but he's letting you down easy".

And that's when I recognized that my sadness and self-loathing was overwhelming me. Psychiatrist was called yesterday and I have an appointment with her Wednesday to adjust my meds. The little voice that says that I suck and nobody really likes me is annoying, but I recognize it is what it is and it'll be gone soon. Also, we had a bit of a misunderstanding that I cleared up the next day. He meant what he said: that was the next weekend he could TRAVEL to see me. If I could make it up there in between now and that date, I'd be more than welcome. Also I acknowledged that telling him "I miss you and I wish we could see each other more often" isn't irritating or asking too much. Ugh. I gots a lot of bad habits.

But gosh, he knows exactly what to do to make me feel better. I had a lot of anxiety texting him first in the morning because I think somehow I'm being annoying or clingy even though he's crazy about me and I objectively do not text him too much. Without me even saying anything, his first text to me of the morning after my little breakdown was "You are loved". EXACTLY what I needed. Guh.

So. I did a thing today. A little background: there are two Master's in Counseling programs in the Dallas area, and although one of them would be my absolute dream school...it's too expensive and committing to either program would limit me severely in where I could live and work since the area is so big.

However, there's actually TWO paths to becoming a therapist and I don't think the public is generally aware of this. You can do a master's in social work with a clinical focus. The advantage to this is that while you're a new graduate certain insurance companies will pay you even when you're not FULLY licensed yet. (With either path, I'd planned to get an additional certification that would put me on a third insurance panel that's like, 50% of our business here in Texas and make me more marketable.)

The big drawback to the Social Work track is that I've seen time and time again that the interns that come to us through the social work program are suuuuper under-prepared to actually start seeing clients. LPC students have been studying counseling exclusively--social work is more broad. By the time they get to us, the LPC students have already completed their practicum so they've BEEN doing therapy. Social Work is just getting started.

The big drawback to the LPC track is that while you're an intern (basically the next 3 years after graduation), NO insurance company will pay, which is mega bull. When you're fully certified, you still can't take Medicare clients, which is ALSO bull. So ultimately, the social work degree is actually better for your marketability...and by the time you're fully licensed, there really isn't much difference between the two.

Anyway, long story short I applied for an online Master's of Social Work program at a state school that's local to Dallas, so if I wanted to switch to in-person I could, but also doesn't limit me to where I want to live and work. The deadline was June 15th for fall admission. My grades were good enough that all they needed was an application and transcripts. I'm even applying for a scholarship for an incoming student. Done.

I'd been feeling really stuck and stir-crazy as I wait out the clock for the end of the year, and this is helping me immensely. I'll have something that I'm super interested in to help me fill my time. To make up for that gap in therapeutic skills I just have to try to really absorb everything I can while I'm still at my job and maybe do some independent reading. I keep telling L that I am going to be some organization's DREAM intern because I know so much about what's expected of me already.

The only thing I'm not looking forward to is student loans...again. Ick. Here's hoping I can get a job in Dallas that's sweet enough to help me cashflow it.

So now that's TWO things I'm going to be obsessively checking my email for. Aaugh.

The other happy thing is that unfortunately (but fortunately for me) L's friend in Kansas had an emergency this weekend and he's not going to be visiting. But he's coming to see me! I have a business trip in a neighboring city and a fancy hotel and nobody to accompany me, so I invited him over.

Speaking of which...today's the first anniversary of the time I re-met L and had some FEELINGS for him I didn't understand. It's appropriate that I'll be going on another business trip and he'll be there...but in a very different capacity this time around. And there's no question about my feelings tonight. :)
re: Living on the Upside Down
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Wed Jun 13, 2018 10:48 PM
Edited by TheMidlakeMuse (78507) on 2018-06-13 22:52:04
Still waiting. No official acceptance to grad school yet, though I'm not really worried about it. Casting directors emailed me with follow-up questions, though it's obvious they were blanket requests so I don't feel that special. If I'm remembering correctly, they held in-person auditions today, so I'm sure final calls will be going out soon. Urgh. I just wanna know now, on both counts.

We had a wonderful ~22 hours in Austin together, because I'm beginning to think there's just no bad time with him. "Sure," you're saying, "it's all fun and games when it's all fun and games." A-ha! But we had our first crisis situation and didn't kill each other! How's that for relationship progress?!

L was about 6 miles away from meeting me for lunch on Sunday when his car broke down. He was able to get off the interstate safely and pull over, where a tow truck grabbed him. I was literally sitting at the restaurant and had just been seated when I got the text from him and was so flustered I left my keys on the table. (That gave me a minute to tell myself to calm down.) I ended up meeting him at an auto shop, where he dropped off the car.

And the whole time we were...fine. Good, even. I gave him a big hug after he rolled up in the tow truck and tried to be as sensitive and empathetic as I could be since I know how stressful car trouble is. I know now he has a cool head under stress and didn't displace any frustration onto me. He has the means (obviously) to fix the car and recognized there were times in the past where he definitely wouldn't have.

On Monday he found out the car was going to be out of commission for at least a week, maybe more. When we were trying to figure out logistics, I was able to help him think through some things and offer alternatives since I knew his brain wasn't working at 100% under stress. At first he was thinking he'd have to call someone to come pick him up, but I suggested the Megabus and he was so absurdly grateful. "Oh. Oh! That's a great solution! Thanks babe, you're really saving the day this weekend."

If I'm being honest, I'm glad we had to face something like this because I need to know how we handle conflict. And in this case, it felt like we were on the same team, and we were a good one. I didn't really have that sense of someone having my back in my marriage, but I do now.

So I dropped him off at the bus station just after an early lunch. And that was it. 22 hours.

Sigh.

This is a really obscure reference, but in the 2015 film Brooklyn with Saoirse Ronan, she goes back to Ireland for her sister's funeral. She's married a sweet Italian guy in a courthouse wedding but hasn't told her mother yet. Her mother has all these plans for her, including a suitor, but she finally breaks down and reveals she's married. She can't live this life because she already made one with someone she loves. "I need to go home, mammy," she sobs. "I need to go home to my husband." And that's just how I feel right now. :( I need to stop living so far away and I need to be with my partner. It's morphed from "wouldn't it be nice if we lived near each other" to "I have to be with him". Although I'm certain being apart isn't changing or diminishing his feelings for me, it hurts me to be away. Not just emotionally, but physically too. I'm absolutely heartsick over it.

I just feel like my life is nothing but a series of countdowns right now. How many days until we see each other again? How many days until I'm able to start thinking about moving again? I need something good to happen. Something fun, something exciting, something heartfelt. I don't want to be living my life just to wait out the clock.
re: Living on the Upside Down
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jul 02, 2018 11:58 AM
I have the worst house fever right now. Think I've found another neighborhood I like--one that I could actually afford a home in, with a roommate or two. Plus it's in-between two cities so that would give me a lot of options about where I could work.

Had an impromptu talk with Dad two weekends ago and he says once their old house sells, there will be a lot of $$$ left over (even after they pay off the rent house, their townhome, and his car). He wants to give me and my sister a "substantial gift" since they didn't really do anything to earn it besides buy in a good neighborhood 35 years ago that became a really, REALLY good neighborhood.

That was a surprise to me because my folks have always been really strict about holding onto their money. I paid in full for my own divorce. The most they've done for me since I've been an adult is pay for a few car repairs (that happened to coincide with my birthday) and spotted us rent for the first month after I'd lost my job. They don't splash out like this. But I think my dad wants to see us both in our own houses sometime soon, and the storm has been a weird mixed blessing for them. (He was also laid off last month from his job and given a huge severance--like almost a year's salary--but might be starting a new job this month. So. I think they have more money than they're comfortable with right now, having been raised solidly middle-class.)

I have scratched together my own little lump of money (that I'm still adding to), since I'm living with my grandma. Although it isn't much in the grand scheme, I'm really pleased that I've put it together on my limited income. It would be really cool to have that money to spend on some new furniture, painting, and renovations rather than all gone at the same time as a down payment. I've made it abundantly clear if I buy a house with tile floors, I'm going to have to replace it with laminate immediately. Tile floors in bedrooms and living areas feels like prison. Out, out, damned spot. And I need a new bed and mattress and sectional/sofa as I don't own them. And most kitchens in my price range are hideous and the cabinets would need to be sanded down and painted before I could feel like humans live there.

Less than six months. I am less than six months away from moving, at the very latest. I can do this. Now, to prowl Pinterest and put together inspiration boards for the house I don't own.
re: Living on the Upside Down
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jul 02, 2018 12:24 PM
Oh hey I got accepted to grad school.
re: Living on the Upside Down
By webstArmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Wed Jul 04, 2018 10:32 AM
I saw your post on Facebook about grad school and loved that too. I'm soooo happy for you, and I think this is such an amazing career path for you! It's so wonderful to see so many amazing things going on in your life, you deserve it all!
re: Living on the Upside Down
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Jul 19, 2018 12:03 PM
So, uh. Remember the Millionaire thing?

Yeah. I got the call yesterday. I'm filming in two weeks. Told my family and they were just like "oh, cool". I guess it's all downhill from Jeopardy.

I had planned to take this coming week off and spend it with L at his house, but uh, I guess plans have changed. The producer asked me "aren't you excited?!" and I just said "mrrrhhh I got a lot of vacation I gotta move around" because I am the worst at reactions. L was way more excited than I was when I called to tell him. (And yes, he's gonna be my "plus one" for that lifeline. I couldn't think of anyone smarter that I'd rather have on my side.)

Seriously, changed plans and logistics make me the MOST frazzled. I am considerably less agitated now, though. We settled the flights and hotel today. AND Y'ALL. He paid for our flights on points so I wouldn't be as stressed about suddenly having to come up with that money. He is so good and I do not deserve him. I was able to find a killer deal on hotel that's affordable for both of us because I am Very Talented at Hotwire. AAAAND I've actually read about stuff we can do in Vegas so that's much less daunting, because I have never been and it's just never been on my radar as a place I wanted to visit.

So we're going on impromptu vacation. A couple of days at his place, 7 days in Vegas. I literally can't remember the last time I traveled and it wasn't dance or family related. A REAL VACATION. I'm overwhelmed, but getting better. Oh yeah, and I'll be taping an episode of WWTBAM. What the hell even is my life.
re: Living on the Upside Down
By Sumayah
On Fri Jul 20, 2018 08:24 AM
whhhhhhhaaaa tttt !!!!


why didn't you tell me!? oh my gosh i am so excited for you this is so cool!!!!! congratulations!!!!!! ahhhh !!!!

if i don't stop yelling briefly ddn will be all rules and i can't help it.

omg omg omg omgomgomgomgomg!!!! that is going to be be amazing i am screaming.
re: Living on the Upside Down
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Jul 23, 2018 11:04 AM
I'm not feeling great today.

I'm not excited about going on the show. I am feeling really unmotivated. With J! I was so confident I was going to slay and put all this pressure on myself and then I stumbled. But that was competitive too--I was playing against other people and there are a lot of other factors in play. This will all be on me. If I embarrass myself, it'll all be my fault.

I'm feeling down about my body. I gained 25+ lbs in Harvey sadness since last year. I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I don't really want to be filmed like this. I'm worried about makeup. With J! they definitely did not put on enough and I looked like a washed-out version of myself. I was going to get a blowout the night before my tape date but it's $49. So I guess I'm just going to have to do my best and pray to the hair gods that they are kind to me. I'm super anxious about all the money I'm having to shell out for this dumb trip, and will have to continue to shell out. I'm afraid it's just going to evaporate my savings.

On top of that, it looks like the degree that I signed up for (the ONLINE degree, mind you) is full time or nothing. There's no way I can afford, or have the time for, a full time course schedule. The internship year will be hard enough to figure out money-wise. If I wanted to be full time, I would have just applied for the on-campus cohort. I have an appointment with an adviser today, but I'm already preparing to be disappointed that after telling everybody I'm going to be starting I'm probably going to have to follow that up with "whoops, just kidding".

And I'm feeling really anxious about moving. The date approacheth. I would feel a lot better if I had a ring by then. I won't. This isn't moving the way I want it to. I've been piecing together some information, mostly financial stuff, that's made me really sad and confused and I'm not sure how to proceed from here.

Time to close the door and cry in my office. Blah.
re: Living on the Upside Down
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Jul 26, 2018 01:36 PM
Edited by TheMidlakeMuse (78507) on 2018-07-26 13:39:10
Things are better.

- I talked to L about my fears. He talked me off the ledge saying that everything I was feeling, he totally felt too, including feeling awkward and bad about being filmed (and, eventually seeing himself on TV). I'm still worried about getting knocked out before that $5,000 threshold, but he's confident I'll do fine and I guess I'll just have to play and see what happens.

- I talked to my student advisor. The online degree is full time. I told her I would not be able to do that since I had a full time job and wouldn't be able to cashflow (oh god, fingers crossed) the degree. She found a workaround: I can drop down to part time...as an on-campus student...taking online classes. Which seems silly, but whatever works. She said if I want to join an on-campus cohort later, we can talk about that as well.

- I actually stood up for myself and my feelings! L was asked to be another person's "+1" earlier in the summer. He told that person that sorry, obviously I would be priority if I was cast since it was unlikely that we'd be in town the same week. Well, both me and that dude got on the show, and it turns out he's taping the day before me. They gave him like a week to get his house in order, and you MUST have a +1 to play. L unilaterally decided that he would do both tapings, and I felt super hurt that he would just make that decision without consulting me. And I definitely didn't want to spend the day before my taping just crying in my hotel room. It brought back memories of being alone at J! and feeling abandoned.

A friend encouraged me to say something about how I felt, even if I wasn't changing his decision (because duh, I'm not going to be THAT GIRL and leave his friend high and dry. Who can grab somebody that you trust is smart enough to have your back with a week's notice?!) In my past relationships I've had a tendency to bite my tongue at every little thing and then blow up when I can't take it any more, or say things are fine when they definitely aren't, neither of which are particularly good habits.

So, with great reluctance, I said "hey, I'm glad it worked out and you have my blessing to do this, but I just wish I had been consulted. I'm kind of a basket case right now and if one more thing about this trip changes, I'm going to have an aneurysm." I have not been this stressed since Harvey (and maybe even more so right now). And of course he was really sweet about it, apologized in the moment, and then later said he was sorry for being thoughtless and throwing a whole bunch of last minute changes at me, and that he would try to communicate with me better in the future. I SAID I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE WITH A THING AND NOTHING BAD HAPPENED!

- L offered to pay for the blowout. Still not taking his money, but that was incredibly sweet. I got a new hairdryer and think I'll be able to do it myself.

- Had to write a very difficult email at work in response to a policy change. I was mega overwhelmed yesterday with the change of plans and the policy will affect my life pretty drastically, so I was just a ball of stress. I'm actually glad I waited until today to respond. I was way too emotional to have made any kind of a coherent case then. I think I did a good job being tactful and diplomatic while still expressing my concern, and the follow-up seems to have been positive.

Now, if I can finish packing and make sure all my documents in order tonight, I'm ready to leave for DFW tomorrow. I got my wish about days speeding up. I can't believe how fast the past week has flown by.
re: Living on the Upside Down
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Jul 26, 2018 03:24 PM
Edited by TheMidlakeMuse (78507) on 2018-07-26 15:24:36
aaaand his Plus One cancelled on him, so I did a lot of worrying for nothing. I've gathered all my paperwork, I'm almost finished packing, and tomorrow I get to see my boo. Then it's a flight and a chill Monday before tape day in Vegas. Boom.
re: Living on the Upside Down
By MarlaSingermember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Jul 26, 2018 05:51 PM
I have a really bizarre infatuation with Vegas (bizarre because I do not gamble or party, like, at all) and have been there multiple times. Number one piece of advice is DRINK ALL THE WATER. Just have water on hand all the time and drink it non-stop. Vegas knows that you are going to be desperately thirsty, and consequently, drinking fountains are really difficult to find, but the tap water that comes out of your hotel sink should be fine. If you'd prefer alcohol, just sit down at a penny slot machine and order a drink; they'll give you drinks for free as long as you seem to be gambling. Also, if you are planning on doing anything on the Strip, bring really comfortable shoes. The resorts are bigger than anything in the world and it takes a surprising amount of walking just to get from one side of a resort to the other. They are really difficult to navigate on purpose, the thinking being that if you can't find your way around the resort, you'll just give up and go to the casino, which is always magically easy to find. So if you get lost, it's not just you. But most resort employees are very friendly and can help you. Also, the whole Strip is full of weird free things (volcano show at the Mirage, wildlife habitat at the Flamingo, etc). My personal favorite is the fountain show at the Bellagio, which runs every 15 minutes at night. Oh, and there are people whose entire job is to stand on the sidewalk and try to hand you hooker flyers, just FYI.

Sorry, I'll stop, you definitely did not ask for Vegas advice. :) It's just such a weird place, I feel like everyone should get a primer before they go, haha. I hope you knock it out of the park during your taping! So exciting!!

~Jonelle
re: Living on the Upside Down
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Jul 31, 2018 11:47 PM
Edited by TheMidlakeMuse (78507) on 2018-07-31 23:51:56
“Can I say something crazy? I think we should get married. Not right now, and not in a Denny’s, like that weird Vegas article suggested. And I understand if you’re not there yet, but you’re my soulmate. And I just want to let you know that whenever you ask, the answer is yes.”

HOW DID I JUST SAY THIS IM FREAKING OUT!!!!*

* the answer is whiskey. I said this because whiskey. But I don’t regret it because I meant every word.
re: Living on the Upside Down
By Sumayah
On Wed Aug 01, 2018 08:46 AM
Get it girl!

I love that you put it out there, boldly, like what up, I have feelings and I'm not ashamed and I love you and that's pretty rad. Yaaaas!
re: Living on the Upside Down
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sun Aug 05, 2018 08:31 PM
Edited by TheMidlakeMuse (78507) on 2018-08-05 20:33:09
Since I can't say much about Vegas, I won't get into details about any of it. We got a hotel with a view of the Strip, had some great food, saw a Cirque show, smooched a lot. The usual. It was fun but I don't think I'd ever do Vegas again unprompted. It's so touristy it's like it's got an uncanny valley effect where it's a city but not REALLY a city. It's like aliens designed some sort of place where hu-mans can get their kicks.

But the real takeaway is that I really cannot do this long distance thing any more. We had the longest consecutive stretch together on this dumb trip (10 days). We've never been together that long in either of our respective cities. I cannot go back to not waking up next to him at least some of the week. Seeing him in two weeks (for our anniversary) and it's honestly killing me to go back to this.

I'm currently looking to see if there's anything that's a good fit, and I've been reminded of how much I hate job searching. It's a little bit early (about 6 weeks out from my deadline) but hey, if last time is any indication, I'll get ABSOLUTELY ZERO RESPONSE! And the job descriptions are ridiculous. "Candidates should have a degree in Doing Exactly What We Do, 3 years experience standing on one foot, and must have been born on a Thursday. No Scorpios need apply."

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I probably won't be buying a house any time soon. Apartment search it is. And also wondering if I should defer my admission to grad school to next semester. I just can't get into any more debt. It's not a good idea.

Aaaaand I didn't get a particularly positive response (or really a response at all) to my little admission up there. Maybe I'm planning on upending my life for nothing.

I'm just full of sunshine and light today.
re: Living on the Upside Down
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Mon Aug 06, 2018 12:59 PM
Wow. I found a job in DFW that's like...tailor made for me. Senior admin assistant position that requires good analytic skills and grammar/punctuation, and accurate transcription of medical terms. In the PSYCHOLOGY and PSYCHIATRY department. I'm already familiar with the lingo and like, duh on the rest. Everything they list on the description is stuff I'm familiar with and either already do at my current job, or did at a past one.

And probably the best part? At this particular org, the client responsibility for the employee insurance plan is $0. Deductible is $350. (Current job is $250/mo and a $6,000 deductible, for comparison.) The pay is solid. Enough to actually support myself.

GUYS I'm gonna work harder than I ever have before on a job application tonight. I neeeeeeed this job. Gonna nab my dad's cousin's address (who's local) to apply and see what happens. Cross your fingers!!!
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