Secrets PG-13I do not want to be here
By Anonymous Comments: 27685, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Mon Oct 02, 2017 09:09 PM
Just to add to everything else I'm feeling, I failed the LITERALLY EASIEST MATH TEST I EVER TOOK. Was the only one who failed it in the class. Miscounted one number and made a bunch of little, stupid mistakes like that. I hate myself so much. We only have three more tests in the class and a midterm. I have to get one hundred percent on every other grade in this class to make an A.
So. Anyway. It's been about a month and a half of college. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm miserable and feel like I will be miserable for the rest of my life and honestly it's not even grades or the fact that other than my roommate I don't have any friends at all: it's that I will never dance again and everyone who acts like they care in my life doesn't.
I started dancing kind of late in the game. I caught up fast but I'm not the best in the world. I could be exponentially better if I had been allowed to take lots of classes, but my parents always said no. Always, always, always. I never actually told them that ballet was the thing I liked most in the world or that I wanted to be a professional ballet dancer because I was too scared of their reactions. Once my mother told me that my dad would kill himself if I didn't go to college. They're both STEM people and I wasn't, and I spent my whole childhood thinking I was an idiot. I'm now a history major headed for law school because that is the only nonSTEM/ finance career path that my parents were okay with. I don't want to do that.
Throughout high school I planned it so many times. I thought I should tell them in a public place like a restaurant to they'd stay calm. I read somewhere I should tell them in a car because people break news in cars. I came really close plenty of times sitting with my mom on her bed at night, watching tv. But I was always too scared. And I never did. It wouldn't have don't any good anyway but at least they would know. But I was too afraid of blowing up my family and now I don't have any options left.
It just upsets me so much that they talk all about how everything they do is for me, all they ever want is to make me happy, and all they do is make me do things that make me miserable. I can take two beginner dance classes a week. My mom actually said that all the colleges she listed for me to pick from had a dance program; I have no idea where she got that information from because it's not listed even remotely anywhere for my college. I should have known better than to trust her. She doesn't care. I told her once, when she asked why I was crying (full story, my father had stopped speaking to me over junior year spring break because I hadn't yet chosen a college major and he was afraid I was going to amount to nothing) and I told her that I loved dance more than anything in the world, and I was sad that after high school I wouldn't be able to do it anymore. And she didn't care. Of course she didn't care. She said something about if I really loved it, I wouldn't care if I got to do it for fifteen minutes once a month.
And I just...I hate my life. Whatever I do I'm going to be miserable because it's not dancing. And it will never be dancing because now I'm too old and not good enough and will never get better. And my parents continue to pat themselves on the back and punish me for ever expressing unhappiness. Like, that's what gets me. They don't have to care or pay a bunch of money or whatever (although I've never impacted their finances with dance). But then they act like everything is so great. I just want to scream, I'm doing all the things you wanted, can't you leave me alone and shut up and stop telling me what great parents you are? I'm sad every single day
And I guess I'm just now coming to the conclusion that my teenage dream of becoming a dancer someday is really, really, really never coming true. And that's something that I held on to for years and years. And it's gone. And I know it hadto go sometime but I'm so sad. And whatever else I do with my life, i won't love it as much as dance. And sometimes I think I should just give up dance cold turkey instead of staying watching it, looking at pictures, going to my two beginner classes a week. Because every time something reminds me of ballet I think about how pretty soon I'll never dance again, and how I barely dance now, and how one day I'll be doing some job that I don't love, and be doing something I don't love or care about every day.
I just needed to get this off my chest. I'm sad every day and i miss my friends. And we don't talk any more. And i miss my old dance studio but my favorite teacher left anyway so it doesn't matter and next week is nutcracker auditions there and I'll never do nutcracker again. And I have no friends here. And I'm so bitter towards my parents and there's no point I just have to get over it I know but I can't
And when I was way younger I would lie in bed and cry at night because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, and then one day l thought, "dance," and it was like a light turned on I've never felt that way about anything before
I wish so many things in my life were different I don't want to be here and I never want to go home again
1 Replies to I do not want to be here
|re: I do not want to be here|
By Anonymous Comments: 27685, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Tue Oct 17, 2017 08:24 AM
I feel most sadness for you. You must do something to satisfy your dance craving. Just because you can't take a dance class doesn't mean you can't dance for enjoyment. Just be careful that you don't hurt yourself. Convert your pain and sadness into energy for dance and dance is a very emotional thing...sometimes I think how a dancer displays herself is sculpted by the very events in her life.. You could have like a "double-life"...a college student by day and a dancer by night...(or vice versa).