Forum: Advice / Secrets PG-13

Secrets PG-13
How long did you date your Significant Other before becoming "official?"
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 27689, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Mon Oct 23, 2017 03:20 PM

Only in secrets so this isn't stumbled upon.

My last post was " I need advice on this guy."

Well we have spent every weekend together for the past six weeks, switching off to make a two hour trek to see each other. About two weeks in he asked if I was seeing other people too and told me how much he liked me. I of course was not and let him know how much I like him. Since then he has met all of my friends, and I have met all of his. We talk about things we want to do a month out, maybe going on vacation for the holidays, or concerts. The problem? We aren't official. I've been okay with this so far but after buying couples Halloween costumes I am now a little confused. We discussed it 3 weeks ago and he said that he didn't want to rush things and screw them up. I told him I wouldn't rush him and liked spending time with him.

So how long did you date before making things official with your boyfriend or girlfriend? I'm 29 years old and have always dated friends that I already knew so I've never experienced this situation.

Thanks!

6 Replies to How long did you date your Significant Other before becoming "official?"

re: How long did you date your Significant Other before becoming "official?"
By ChristinePremium member Comments: 6854, member since Wed Feb 04, 2009
On Wed Oct 25, 2017 12:56 PM
I can not answer from personal experience, but since no one else has jumped in here, I thought I'd comment, just so you know we care!

Given your ages, I think it might be reasonable to take things easy. If I read your post correctly, you questioned him on this three weeks in? Since you are both adults, are happy with the time commitment and mutual travel investment, why don't you table this "curiosity" until, say, Christmas.

I am not sure what you have to gain by becoming "official". Let a few holidays pass, a few changes of seasons,(matching Halloween costumes not withstanding)and let the intensity of the new relationship find its "median" or equilibrium before deciding if you really want this to be something so "official" it may take more than a cooling off should it not be all you hope and dream at the moment. You have already said you are not interested in seeing other people, but since he hasn't, I would proceed with maturity on this. You are both old enough to have grown past the point of needing to wear his ring around your neck and his hesitancy (and I could be completely wrong here....)might mean he doesn't want to add a committed relationship to his life at this point in time.

If by Valentine's Day there is not defining of intentions, perhaps you might want to insist on a conversation.

Just my opinion...

Glad things are going well and that you are happy.

Keep On Dancing*
re: How long did you date your Significant Other before becoming "official?"
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 27689, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Sat Oct 28, 2017 03:00 AM
In my opinion, I think once you've had your first "real" kiss you are official. What I mean by "real" kiss is a passionate kiss that entwines you're two hearts together and is full of emotion...as opposed to just a "fooling-around" or "friends-with-benefits" kiss. I don't think it's like marriage, where you both have to sign a document stating that the two of you are officialy "going out". (Also, what may be considered "official" to you may not be considered "official" by him.)

Romance is too complicated to capture and box into phases like "official dating" or "serious dating." Romance doesn't just grow a little bit, then suddenly say to itself "okay, it's time to switch to the official stage", It just "grows" (or sadfully) recedes. Official is a term of the mind, not the heart. If you try to control your love and grow it on a time scale like you're growing something in a petri dish, the pressure will make it fall apart. Instead of focusing on what "needs to happen" for your relationship to grow, perhaps it would be more effective to focus more on the actual chemistry you have between the two of you and just have fun. Like Christine says, things will be a whole lot clearer to you by Valentine's day because if he's going to make any move to advance the relationship, Valentine's Day is when he's going to make that move, if not sooner.
re: How long did you date your Significant Other before becoming "official?"
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 34917, member since Wed May 22, 2002
On Sun Oct 29, 2017 06:15 PM
So I'll return a question with a question here...

...at what point will you tire of forcing EVERY. SINGLE. ISSUE. with this guy?

He didn't want a girlfriend. Forced it. Didn't want to do long distance. Forced it. Now he doesn't want to officially call you his girlfriend, and again, you're wanting to know when you can force it.

...when's he gonna put some effort into this thing too? Cause I mean, you can only lead a horse to water and go "Horse! Water!" just so many times, can't you?

It is what it is. He's already giving you more commitment then he ever said he wanted. Take a deep breath, relax and enjoy the moment. And let's be honest, if he is two timing you (which, he said he didn't want one girlfriend, and you're nervous he's got multiples?!), he's the worst boyfriend ever, cause after he chases up and down the road for you, he's got what? Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday? Would you date a guy that could only give you MONDAY as a date night? I wouldn't.
re: How long did you date your Significant Other before becoming "official?"
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos Comments: 27689, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Mon Oct 30, 2017 04:43 PM
Theresa wrote:

So I'll return a question with a question here...

...at what point will you tire of forcing EVERY. SINGLE. ISSUE. with this guy?


Good question
re: How long did you date your Significant Other before becoming "official?"
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster Comments: 27689, member since Fri Aug 03, 2001
On Tue Oct 31, 2017 11:53 AM
THIS IS THE OP:

I would like to clear up something that apparently was not on my original question: He has been the one to bring things up every time. I am fine just dating, I was just wondering for general knowledge how long this usually goes on for. He was the one who wanted to clarify that I was not seeing other people and neither was I. He was also the one that brought up that he would like me to be his girlfriend when ready a few weeks ago. The only things i've said have been in response and were, "I like you a lot too." I'm having fun spending time with you and getting to know you." "Take your time, I would never pressure you."

I've never had what I would classify as a normal relationship so it was merely wondering what people would consider a normal time line. He's a good guy, if its going to happen it will.
re: How long did you date your Significant Other before becoming "official?" (karma: 1)
By TheMidlakeMusemember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member Comments: 11337, member since Sun Nov 23, 2003
On Fri Nov 03, 2017 09:43 AM
Edited by TheMidlakeMuse (78507) on 2017-11-03 09:46:10
Theresa wrote:

And let's be honest, if he is two timing you (which, he said he didn't want one girlfriend, and you're nervous he's got multiples?!), he's the worst boyfriend ever, cause after he chases up and down the road for you, he's got what? Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday? Would you date a guy that could only give you MONDAY as a date night? I wouldn't.


First of all, as OP pointed out...he's the one who brought up being exclusive. Second of all--huhhh??? I'm having a hard time parsing this. I only see my boyfriend on the weekends because, y'know, I have to work during the week. Welp, I must be his side chick just because that's the only time we can see each other! Never mind that he's offered to come up during the week (I can't do that because I don't have my own place right now) or that we text pretty much constantly.

I seriously SUPER don't get the vitriol being leveled at OP.

For the original question--for me, about two months. I was ready to just let it ride, but my BF's the one who brought it up first. But there's no right or wrong answer here. If it starts to feel like you're getting further out time-wise and the lack of status is uncomfortable to you, tell him your feelings. Emotional honesty is a good thing, I've been learning. (WEIRD, RIGHT???) If he still isn't ready, well, you can either keep going, or bail if he decides if he still doesn't feel attached to you.

I mean, I'd point out that "I want you to be my girlfriend when I'm ready" while you're actively dating means you're pretty much already his girlfriend, but whatever feels right to you. ;)

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