Forum: Arts / Diaries

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re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Thu Jan 11, 2018 06:25 PM
I’m just sitting in my car. In the dark. In my garage. Everything is turned off and it’s so quiet except for the tinnitus. For the past ten minutes.

I could go inside.

I should go fix dinner.

But I’m just sitting here feeling depressed.

That’s awesome.

I feel just scattered and worn and broken.

I feel exhausted.

I feel heavy.

I feel sad.

Just. Everything you know?


Who even am I?

Why am I not a better friend? I take so much and give so little.

I need to be a better person.

I need to be a better human.

I need to act like the type of friend my friends are to me.

Because I’m a user. I use people. I don’t know how to give.

You see? This is that emotional side.

This that pure, raw emotional side taking over right now and my logical sode know it and I’m trying to stop the landslide of emotion but it’s already there, it’s already going how do I pull back so much emotional heft?

I’m going to go. Before I fully go into blame, before I completely resolve myself to trashing who I am and why I don’t deserve any of you I’m going to stop this. I’ll go cry it out. I’ll eat dinner and go to bed and cry it out.

I do need to be a better friend.

I do.

But I am trying. I am. I’m trying not to be wholly self-absorbed. It’s just hard right now. Everything is just so loud. My emotions are just so loud. It’s hard to turn them down and not think about me and think about someone else.


I’m in no shale tonight.

Tomorrow I will check in on someone. Not to turn the conversation back around to me, but to take about them because I genuinely care about them. Because I do. I just haven’t been able to focus lately. And my friends shouldn’t suffer because of that. I need to make time for them. They are important to me and I need to remember that.
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance (karma: 2)
By kandykanePremium member
On Thu Jan 11, 2018 07:57 PM
I understand how hard all the emotional noise is. Reading your words, I can see that you desperately need some inner peace. Some quiet. Right now, even sitting there in the quiet, you don't feel the quiet. You feel the noise. I've been there. In that noisy place that is so overwhelming.

I want you to know that you'll find your way to the quiet. You will get there. It may take some time and work, but you will get there.

Feed your soul. Put on music that soothes you. Watch movies that lift you up. Stargaze, watch sunsets and sunrises. Let your friends comfort you.

It's going to get better.

Hugs, dear~
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By sjerosemember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Jan 12, 2018 07:47 AM
Sumayah wrote:

Tomorrow I will check in on someone. Not to turn the conversation back around to me, but to talk about them because I genuinely care about them. Because I do. I just haven't been able to focus lately. And my friends shouldn't suffer because of that. I need to make time for them. They are important to me and I need to remember that.

When I was in my therapy journey and dealing with leaving an abusive close friendship a few years back, I remember saying this very thing a lot - hella close to verbatim, even. This hits home. Just wanted to let you know I hear you and feel you.
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Sun Jan 21, 2018 04:45 AM
I’ve been not so well. I just wanted to let y’all know I’m okay. I’m too tired to explain in full but basically my doctor (but not the gynecologist) thinks I had a small cyst rupture on my ovary. A week ago Sunday. Finally feeling better. I slept 11 hours last night, played games all today and all night, it’s 5:45am and I’m just not going to bed. Also, B got a new car. I’m pissed about that. All that and more tomorrow!
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Mon Feb 05, 2018 04:18 PM
It's been a rough month.

Okay, so let me clarify. I had spotting on Saturday the 13th, heavy enough for me to mention it in my period tracking app. I felt really depressed and down and slept a lot. I had no ability to do anything. Late Sunday night, the 14th, I felt like I had been stabbed. The pain was low in my pelvis, on the left side, and it made me catch my breath and sit back down because I thought I was going to pass out. I crept upstairs to my bed and lay down, and dug into my pelvis with fingers, thumbs - trying to press down into the pain and alternately dig it out. It was directly over my left ovary.

I eventually crawled into the bathtub and took a 2 hour bath, just curled up in pain in the hot water. I called the 24 on-call doctor through my insurance who said it sounded like a ruptured ovarian cyst or diverticulitis, however, given my age, diverticulitis was a long shot. I took 4 ibuprofen and slept a few hours.

Went to work the next day and was in so much pain. I explained to Dr. G what was going on and she adjusted me and felt around but I was so swollen and in pain she told me to get a sonogram if it kept hurting. After about 3 hours I couldn't do it anymore and I went home sick. I had a noticeable softball-sized swollen area right over my reproductive system on the left when I got home and over the course of the next hours I began swelling/bloating severely. By 9pm I had no discernible waistline and my hip bones were not apparent. I felt awful.

The next day was a day off because the city closed down due to winter weather. I rested and started to feel better. Then Tuesday night I started to feel a dull ache and throbbing right over that same area. Wednesday morning when I woke up, laying on my back was okay, but laying on either side made me nauseated to the point I thought I was going to vomit. Called out from work, called my doctor to get checked. They couldn't get me in until Thursday. Went in Thursday for my doctor appointment. My blood pressure was 130/68. That's a solid 20 points higher on the systolic side than normal. The nurse just looked at me and said, "You're really hurting, huh? Your blood pressure is really high for you."

My doctor checked me and referred me to an OB/GYN. I did a urine test first, no bladder or kidney issues detected. And clearly not pregnant. Set up that appointment and had an ultrasound, both exterior and vaginal to look at my reproductive system. The OB/GYN did a full pelvic exam and determined that it was not a ruptured cyst, that my pain was too high up, that my uterus and ovaries looked fine and if the pain persisted I should see a GI doctor because it was probably bowel. She then asked when my last bowel movement was and whether I had been constipated. Then, despite it being Thursday and the event having happened on Sunday, she insisted there was absolutely no way for my body to have rid it itself of the debris remaining from the cyst and that if a cyst had ruptured there would be something on the ultrasound and I was completely healthy.

Bitch, let me tell you something. First of all, yes, my current discomfort is a bit above where the pain originally was, but if you want to look at the bruises you can see exactly where my pain initiated from. Second, this is not constipation or gas. I know where my ovaries are and if you'd listen to me, and not dismiss me as not knowing anything, you should find the surrounding evidence off. But clearly I don't know anything. I've never been pregnant or had a baby so. When she saw my age and the fact that I'm childfree suddenly she became very dismissive. Okay. She did do thorough std testing when she heard I was recently divorced and those came back clean, so that's something. At least when B said he didn't cheat, either he didn't or at least he didn't catch anything.

The next day I had a second ultrasound and this one told me my uterus was retroverted which explains my painful periods but also showed no evidence of any event. Dr. G thinks I had a ruptured cyst. Despite the ultrasound results, my pain, the location, the swelling, the continued pain, the spotting, she said everything lends itself to be a ruptured cyst. Then the following week my period started and I had some major clotting, which is unusual, and I also had major hemorrhaging where I woke up and it looked like I had killed an animal in my sleep. Also really unusual. But things that happen after a cyst ruptures. That according to the OB/GYN absolutely didn't happen. But whatever.

Because after all that? AFTER ALL THAT? I got the flu.

I was flat on my back, couldn't stand, couldn't walk. I was vomiting anything that hit my stomach. I showered laying down in the tub, unable to stand. This is what I wrote, half-delirious after trying to shower Sunday night (I had gone to brunch because I thought I just had a cough and a headache from wearing a headband) before I was diagnosed:
I felt light headed so I sat, sat under the spray and tried to gather my will to stand.

Then the coughing started. Heavy, thick coughs that brought me to my hands and knees, feral, and I vomited bile and phlegm into the running water.

I collapsed back on my legs, the spray hitting the middle of my back while my forehead rested on my folded arms, saliva running out of my mouth and blood pouring out of my nose, swirling in a wading pool created by the dam my arms made before running down the drain.

Tears fell from my eyes, head pounding, I just wanted someone with me right then. Someone to care about me and stroke my wet hair and naked back and tell me it was all right. I had had a small breakdown, hearing how Librarian M’s mom still would drop off comforts when she was ill made me feel so alone, so tired of always taking care of myself and being unable to yield when someone has been present. I want someone there, but would I be able to soften and actually let someone see me so vulnerable? Not that it matters, hypotheticals can wait for when my brain isn’t on fire.

I carefully sat up and wiped nose, my mouth, and rinsed my face. I took the shampoo and ran it through my hair, rubbing it in with a lackluster vigor. But then I knew I had to stand. My head swum as I pulled my body up, freezing as the spray burned my skin.

I rinsed the shampoo out and managed to wash the smudged and tear stained makeup from my face. A coughing fit over took me and I nearly threw up again, spitting into the tub thick, discolored liquid.

Down to my knees. I put on my conditioner and scrubbed my body, eyes closed, trying not to move much. I just lay back in the tub and slid down, further and further until I was laying flat on my back, they spray hitting my soft, untoned belly. My eyes still closed and knees bent up, I wondered how long I could stay there. Minutes? Hours? Days?

I opened my eyes to see concerned orange ones looking down at me. Ser Pounce was at his guard, watching, maybe worrying about why I wasn’t getting out. I carefully pushed up to sitting, leaning forward through the spray, then slowly, slowly stood.

I rinsed and dried and dressed and crawled into bed. And my head is throbbing and I’m freezing and I’m going to set my alarm for tomorrow and hopefully I’ll be magically better.

Spoilers: I was not better the next day. The next day my dad drove me to the doctor where I was diagnosed with Flu type B. Monday night I couldn't even stand. I just lay in the the bottom of the bathtub under the spray. Tuesday night my fever broke. Wednesday I could sit up, but stay vertical for any amount of time and had soup. Thursday I ran a low grade fever and had my fever break again. Friday I had a migraine. Saturday I felt normal but weak. Sunday I rested.

I'm at work today. My body is tired. I am ready to go home and sleep. So I'm better. I'll tell y'all about the good stuff later. <3
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