Forum: Arts / Diaries

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re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Thu Jan 11, 2018 06:25 PM
I’m just sitting in my car. In the dark. In my garage. Everything is turned off and it’s so quiet except for the tinnitus. For the past ten minutes.

I could go inside.

I should go fix dinner.

But I’m just sitting here feeling depressed.

That’s awesome.

I feel just scattered and worn and broken.

I feel exhausted.

I feel heavy.

I feel sad.

Just. Everything you know?

Relationships.

Who even am I?

Why am I not a better friend? I take so much and give so little.

I need to be a better person.

I need to be a better human.

I need to act like the type of friend my friends are to me.

Because I’m a user. I use people. I don’t know how to give.

You see? This is that emotional side.

This that pure, raw emotional side taking over right now and my logical sode know it and I’m trying to stop the landslide of emotion but it’s already there, it’s already going how do I pull back so much emotional heft?

I’m going to go. Before I fully go into blame, before I completely resolve myself to trashing who I am and why I don’t deserve any of you I’m going to stop this. I’ll go cry it out. I’ll eat dinner and go to bed and cry it out.

I do need to be a better friend.

I do.

But I am trying. I am. I’m trying not to be wholly self-absorbed. It’s just hard right now. Everything is just so loud. My emotions are just so loud. It’s hard to turn them down and not think about me and think about someone else.

Tomorrow.

I’m in no shale tonight.

Tomorrow I will check in on someone. Not to turn the conversation back around to me, but to take about them because I genuinely care about them. Because I do. I just haven’t been able to focus lately. And my friends shouldn’t suffer because of that. I need to make time for them. They are important to me and I need to remember that.
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance (karma: 2)
By kandykanePremium member
On Thu Jan 11, 2018 07:57 PM
I understand how hard all the emotional noise is. Reading your words, I can see that you desperately need some inner peace. Some quiet. Right now, even sitting there in the quiet, you don't feel the quiet. You feel the noise. I've been there. In that noisy place that is so overwhelming.

I want you to know that you'll find your way to the quiet. You will get there. It may take some time and work, but you will get there.

Feed your soul. Put on music that soothes you. Watch movies that lift you up. Stargaze, watch sunsets and sunrises. Let your friends comfort you.

It's going to get better.

Hugs, dear~
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By sjerosemember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Fri Jan 12, 2018 07:47 AM
Sumayah wrote:


Tomorrow I will check in on someone. Not to turn the conversation back around to me, but to talk about them because I genuinely care about them. Because I do. I just haven't been able to focus lately. And my friends shouldn't suffer because of that. I need to make time for them. They are important to me and I need to remember that.


When I was in my therapy journey and dealing with leaving an abusive close friendship a few years back, I remember saying this very thing a lot - hella close to verbatim, even. This hits home. Just wanted to let you know I hear you and feel you.
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Sun Jan 21, 2018 04:45 AM
I’ve been not so well. I just wanted to let y’all know I’m okay. I’m too tired to explain in full but basically my doctor (but not the gynecologist) thinks I had a small cyst rupture on my ovary. A week ago Sunday. Finally feeling better. I slept 11 hours last night, played games all today and all night, it’s 5:45am and I’m just not going to bed. Also, B got a new car. I’m pissed about that. All that and more tomorrow!
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Mon Feb 05, 2018 04:18 PM
It's been a rough month.

Okay, so let me clarify. I had spotting on Saturday the 13th, heavy enough for me to mention it in my period tracking app. I felt really depressed and down and slept a lot. I had no ability to do anything. Late Sunday night, the 14th, I felt like I had been stabbed. The pain was low in my pelvis, on the left side, and it made me catch my breath and sit back down because I thought I was going to pass out. I crept upstairs to my bed and lay down, and dug into my pelvis with fingers, thumbs - trying to press down into the pain and alternately dig it out. It was directly over my left ovary.

I eventually crawled into the bathtub and took a 2 hour bath, just curled up in pain in the hot water. I called the 24 on-call doctor through my insurance who said it sounded like a ruptured ovarian cyst or diverticulitis, however, given my age, diverticulitis was a long shot. I took 4 ibuprofen and slept a few hours.

Went to work the next day and was in so much pain. I explained to Dr. G what was going on and she adjusted me and felt around but I was so swollen and in pain she told me to get a sonogram if it kept hurting. After about 3 hours I couldn't do it anymore and I went home sick. I had a noticeable softball-sized swollen area right over my reproductive system on the left when I got home and over the course of the next hours I began swelling/bloating severely. By 9pm I had no discernible waistline and my hip bones were not apparent. I felt awful.

The next day was a day off because the city closed down due to winter weather. I rested and started to feel better. Then Tuesday night I started to feel a dull ache and throbbing right over that same area. Wednesday morning when I woke up, laying on my back was okay, but laying on either side made me nauseated to the point I thought I was going to vomit. Called out from work, called my doctor to get checked. They couldn't get me in until Thursday. Went in Thursday for my doctor appointment. My blood pressure was 130/68. That's a solid 20 points higher on the systolic side than normal. The nurse just looked at me and said, "You're really hurting, huh? Your blood pressure is really high for you."

My doctor checked me and referred me to an OB/GYN. I did a urine test first, no bladder or kidney issues detected. And clearly not pregnant. Set up that appointment and had an ultrasound, both exterior and vaginal to look at my reproductive system. The OB/GYN did a full pelvic exam and determined that it was not a ruptured cyst, that my pain was too high up, that my uterus and ovaries looked fine and if the pain persisted I should see a GI doctor because it was probably bowel. She then asked when my last bowel movement was and whether I had been constipated. Then, despite it being Thursday and the event having happened on Sunday, she insisted there was absolutely no way for my body to have rid it itself of the debris remaining from the cyst and that if a cyst had ruptured there would be something on the ultrasound and I was completely healthy.

Bitch, let me tell you something. First of all, yes, my current discomfort is a bit above where the pain originally was, but if you want to look at the bruises you can see exactly where my pain initiated from. Second, this is not constipation or gas. I know where my ovaries are and if you'd listen to me, and not dismiss me as not knowing anything, you should find the surrounding evidence off. But clearly I don't know anything. I've never been pregnant or had a baby so. When she saw my age and the fact that I'm childfree suddenly she became very dismissive. Okay. She did do thorough std testing when she heard I was recently divorced and those came back clean, so that's something. At least when B said he didn't cheat, either he didn't or at least he didn't catch anything.

The next day I had a second ultrasound and this one told me my uterus was retroverted which explains my painful periods but also showed no evidence of any event. Dr. G thinks I had a ruptured cyst. Despite the ultrasound results, my pain, the location, the swelling, the continued pain, the spotting, she said everything lends itself to be a ruptured cyst. Then the following week my period started and I had some major clotting, which is unusual, and I also had major hemorrhaging where I woke up and it looked like I had killed an animal in my sleep. Also really unusual. But things that happen after a cyst ruptures. That according to the OB/GYN absolutely didn't happen. But whatever.

Because after all that? AFTER ALL THAT? I got the flu.

I was flat on my back, couldn't stand, couldn't walk. I was vomiting anything that hit my stomach. I showered laying down in the tub, unable to stand. This is what I wrote, half-delirious after trying to shower Sunday night (I had gone to brunch because I thought I just had a cough and a headache from wearing a headband) before I was diagnosed:
I felt light headed so I sat, sat under the spray and tried to gather my will to stand.

Then the coughing started. Heavy, thick coughs that brought me to my hands and knees, feral, and I vomited bile and phlegm into the running water.

I collapsed back on my legs, the spray hitting the middle of my back while my forehead rested on my folded arms, saliva running out of my mouth and blood pouring out of my nose, swirling in a wading pool created by the dam my arms made before running down the drain.

Tears fell from my eyes, head pounding, I just wanted someone with me right then. Someone to care about me and stroke my wet hair and naked back and tell me it was all right. I had had a small breakdown, hearing how Librarian M’s mom still would drop off comforts when she was ill made me feel so alone, so tired of always taking care of myself and being unable to yield when someone has been present. I want someone there, but would I be able to soften and actually let someone see me so vulnerable? Not that it matters, hypotheticals can wait for when my brain isn’t on fire.

I carefully sat up and wiped nose, my mouth, and rinsed my face. I took the shampoo and ran it through my hair, rubbing it in with a lackluster vigor. But then I knew I had to stand. My head swum as I pulled my body up, freezing as the spray burned my skin.

I rinsed the shampoo out and managed to wash the smudged and tear stained makeup from my face. A coughing fit over took me and I nearly threw up again, spitting into the tub thick, discolored liquid.

Down to my knees. I put on my conditioner and scrubbed my body, eyes closed, trying not to move much. I just lay back in the tub and slid down, further and further until I was laying flat on my back, they spray hitting my soft, untoned belly. My eyes still closed and knees bent up, I wondered how long I could stay there. Minutes? Hours? Days?

I opened my eyes to see concerned orange ones looking down at me. Ser Pounce was at his guard, watching, maybe worrying about why I wasn’t getting out. I carefully pushed up to sitting, leaning forward through the spray, then slowly, slowly stood.

I rinsed and dried and dressed and crawled into bed. And my head is throbbing and I’m freezing and I’m going to set my alarm for tomorrow and hopefully I’ll be magically better.

Spoilers: I was not better the next day. The next day my dad drove me to the doctor where I was diagnosed with Flu type B. Monday night I couldn't even stand. I just lay in the the bottom of the bathtub under the spray. Tuesday night my fever broke. Wednesday I could sit up, but stay vertical for any amount of time and had soup. Thursday I ran a low grade fever and had my fever break again. Friday I had a migraine. Saturday I felt normal but weak. Sunday I rested.

I'm at work today. My body is tired. I am ready to go home and sleep. So I'm better. I'll tell y'all about the good stuff later. <3
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Mon Feb 26, 2018 04:51 PM
Hey strangers.

I know I haven't been around. I've been... well. No, not well, that was a pause of consideration. I've been, ah, okay I guess? Mostly? Sort of? I've been faking it well.

I leave tomorrow to fly to Seattle and visit Cali. And attend ECCC. And it's going to be amazing. But more about that later.

Okay. I don't even know where to start. So, I guess I'll start where I left off and this is gonna be one those long posts. So, settle in and prepare to get inside my head. I'm not even sure where my head is right now, like this minute, right now, I'm sort of... um, disconnected?

I've had a three day mild migraine and my eczema is flaring up to the point that I'm seriously worried about my fingers. Like they're oozing and more skin keeps coming off and I keep picking at it and there's kinda a hole in my finger and it's not bleeding yet - yet - so I put a bandaid on it, but uh, I should probably see a dermatologist because this isn't and hasn't resolved. In over two years? Okay. And when I say a mild migraine I mean from Wednesday to Friday of last week so I'm past postdrome but I took pain pills all three days and I'm almost out. And I have no refills. But maybe I should call my doctor. Before my trip. So now. But she's not in the office, so hopefully I don't get a migraine that requires more than two pain pills on my trip.

Also, maybe that's why I'm feeling weird. I went from 20mg of escitalopram to 10mg two days ago. I had only gone up because of the divorce and I had talked to my doctor about lowering the dose back to 10mg but I wasn't thinking about the fact that my refill coincided with my trip and huh. That could explain a lot of the weird spaciness I'm feeling and some of the disconnectedness. And maybe some of the other inexplicable stuff today?

Not just today. I can't focus. I can't spell. I stopped writing in my diary because typing is so hard. It's like I've suddenly developed dyslexia. Letters assemble themselves in bizarre ways under my fingers and my sentences construct themselves jumbled. I have to go back read and fix and reorganize because my brain is struggling to arrange things in the correct order. But that may not be the escitalopram, that may actually be the topiramate.

The incessant tinnitus is the escitalopram. It's beginning to drown out music, the click of my fingers striking the keyboard. I've had tinnitus for a long time already. It's been gradually getting worse - and the hearing loss - since I was 10 and my eardrum ruptured. But the Lexapro is making the tinnitus worse. So much worse. I'm constantly turning the TV up because I can't hear it over the sound in my own head.

I think I also have musical ear syndrome? I... I'm so used to hearing things that aren't there. But for the past couple of years, as I'm going to bed I'll hear music playing in the distance. I would ask B, hey do you hear that? What is that song? And he would hear it. I'd get up and look in the backyard to see if neighbors were back there. No. Check the front to see if a car was thumping bass. No. I just... hear songs? Like that joke about tuning into radio stations using your filings, except not. And it's disconcerting. And I haven't mentioned it to my doctor because it sounds crazy. Hey doc, I hear music in my head when it's silent. Not music to be composed. Not songs I know. Just... music. And it makes me feel crazy? I'm not crazy. But when it happens it's really bizarre. But it's just one of those things I accept about myself I guess. I have auditory hallucinations? Okay.

Okay,

Because that sure sounds crazy.

But the mental confusion is a side effect of the topiramate, I'm pretty sure.

www.rxlist.com . . .
Common side effects of Topamax include:

tiredness,
drowsiness,
dizziness,
nervousness,
numbness or tingly feeling in the hands or feet,
coordination problems,
diarrhea,
weight loss,
speech/language problems,
changes in vision,
sensory distortion,
loss of appetite,
bad taste in your mouth,
confusion,
slowed thinking,
trouble concentrating or paying attention,
memory problems,
and cold symptoms such as stuffy nose, sneezing, or sore throat.

So, going down the list, I've definitely got a lot of these side-effects as lasting ones. The tiredness and drowsiness are still readily prevalent because when 10pm hits, I have to sleep - I used to be able to stay up and now I absolutely cannot. I have the numbness or tingly feeling in my hands, less so my feet. Which feels really bizarre, I've never had any sort of peripheral neuropathy before and it's vaguely like my hands are falling asleep. The sensory distortion is still really prevalent. I still have the illusory palinopsia. I've learned A LOT about that one because it freaked me out so much in the beginning. While it lessened, it never went away. I just got used to it. But occasionally the visual trailing will catch me by surprise and the prolonged indistinct afterimages are super annoying. Fortunately the light streaking ins't as bad as it was, because if it were, driving would be problematic. Also annoying are the cold symptoms of the stuffy nose and sneezing - less so a sore throat. But I'm congested basically all the time. Which in Austin isn't surprising, everyone is - what up year round allergies - but I just want to breathe. Normally. Through my nose. And because of that, I don't know if it's just dry out or because I've been blowing my nose so much and everything inside there is raw, but I've been having nose bleeds. I'll be driving and and small rivulet of blood starts creeping down from feels like my brain but from where I know is actually in my sinus cavities and eventually breaks free and trails down to my lip.

But honestly it's the slowed thinking, trouble concentrating, paying attention, and memory problems that is the most worrying. I feel... scattered. You know a dandelion? The bright yellow flower is strong and capable. And I feel like that was me. Even with the depression, I was able to focus and work and accomplish what I need to. I wasn't a great, beautiful plant with tender, intricate flowers. I was a weed, growing despite everything, in the crack of the pavement, growing no matter what. But now, I've gone to seed. And I'm this delicate, windswept flower, with parts missing, gone. And I can't focus on my work, my play, anything. My brain is never fully present in any task. Not even now, not even writing in this diary. I'm blown away by the wind. I'm missing.

It's a small price to pay though. All of it.

I'll will take all the weird, inconvenient side-effects and bizarre responses if it means that I'm not in such intense pain that I can't function, that I want to bash my head in, that I want to perform a frontal lobotomy on myself, that I want to take a diamond tipped drill and puncture my skull to vent the immense pressure because the intensity of the pain is so bad my vision gets distorted and I become nauseated and vomit and cannot tolerate the light.

Guys. I don't know how to describe it. It doesn't make sense unless you've experienced it, but light is heavy, and it hurts. It presses down on you. It constrains. Constricts. It's physical and just like this awful malignant *thing* assaulting me. When I have a migraine, light is this horror monster. People are terrified of the dark, and I run from the light. The light is worse than any darkness, holds worse pain and inflicts more terror on me than shadows ever could.

My eyes are so light and my pupils are always so withdrawn, keeping out as much light as they can, I wonder if my ancestry isn't some northern, pasty folk who guarded the moon? Skin pale, eyes blue with sliver lightning running though them, lightning that runs back into the brain and down to the fingertips with a faint hint of static in the air that makes the fine hair on the head frizzy; there, standing sentry in the dark and guarding the passage of the moon along the celestial corridor. A subtle magic and a dominion over the shadows, the hidden places on the world at night fall.

My depression is better? Enough. Enough to back down to 10mg of escitalopram. But again, mostly I'm hoping the weight gain and tinnitus go away with backing off to 10mg. The 10mg worked GREAT until B got nasty with the divorce, so there's no reason it shouldn't work great again. But it's definitely still there. Very much there. It's hard. It almost feels like my identity at this point. I still have trouble *doing* things. I just drag. It's like my willpower is sucked from my body, I cannot engage.

I finally, with my sister's help, got my office cleaned out. It's only taken since November. But it's been brutal. Hey look, my wedding corset. I guess... that's... trash. And Valentine's cards and wedding bears and hearts and sweet, thoughtful things he gave me. All trash. And it's like a suckerpunch to the stomach every time I find something new, every time I turn it in my hand and close my eyes and remember the good times and feel my heart drip blood in it's cavity, thin and bright from the wound that was freshly wrenched open in the thick protective coating I've dressed it in.

And it's been since December. I only decided, sincerely, officially, to get divorced in September. It's been 6 months from deciding to now. And goddamn, it's HARD. In the past 6 months I ovaried up, pulled the trigger, made my position clear that it was time for a divorce, got divorced, started therapy, had a break down on Valentine's Day, threw his leftover junk away, purged my own sentimental belongings, piled all my belongings in my bedroom, bought sofas, cried a lot, and have watch fully 11 seasons of America's Next Top Model, 5 seasons of The Great British Bake-Off, 1 season of Zumbo's Just Desserts and Cheapest Weddings, Lore started Stranger Things and A Series of Unfortunate Events, listened to all of Lore, caught up on half of Ars Paradoxica, started listening to I Don't Even Own a TV, and read Annihilation because I am so freaking depressed. I'm exhausted from just pretending like I'm fine.

But I am fine.

Except for Valentine's Day. I was not fine on Valentine's Day. That day hit me hard. Incomprehensible sobbing in the car, needing a friend to talk to me and calm me down because I was hyperventilating and so upset and hurting so much. My friend talked me down. I was okay. But I think I'm doing okay, and then I run across a pair of kissing bears B gave some years ago and I feel such pain.

I talked to my therapist. I did not fail. This is not failure. I chose to make decisions that were best for me and my life and that would open me up to healthier life courses.

But.

In that moment. Right then. It felt like I gave up.

And some small part of me wanted to check on him and see if he was okay. To call him and hear his voice. And the voices in my brain were all like ABSOLUTELY NOT DO NOT DO THAT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES THAT IS THE WORST IDEA EVER NO NO NO. So I just started sobbing uncontrollably. As you do.

And part of that is because he had forwarded an email to me that morning concerning Mayuri's chip registration. But that opened up communication briefly. And I tried to be the bigger person and this is what it turned into (these are all emails - he's blocked on my phone):

Feb 14 9:12am
Me: Thank you, I’ll get Mayuri’s info updated and current.

Feb 16 9:09am
B: May I come by Sunday morning at 9am to visit Cosmo's grave?

Feb 16 9:37am
B: You don't even have to see me. Just leave the gate unlocked. I will make sure no one escapes. I just want a few minutes please.

Feb 18 1:53am
Me: That’s fine, I’ll have it unlocked. Baxter will probably come say hi. :) I mean if he disappears with you... >.> Kidding, kidding, the I’m-shedding-my-winter-coat-but-maybe-I’m-not-how-about-I-look-scraggly brown doggie would be missed. Or would he? O.o I’ll make sure Faye is kenneled so there’s no giant puppy in the backyard. She might be bark-y, but she won’t get out while you’re there.

I tried to login to change Mayuri’s info, but I don’t know the password. Mind if I reset it and you forward me the reset? Or will you reset it to a password I know? I tried the old ones I knew but they fell flat. It may be it never got fully set up? Knowing me midst major depression that’s a good probability if I was supposed to do it.

Anyway, Sunday 9am is fine.

Feb 18 9:32am
B: I didn't see this until just now. I will do this another day. The password reset is fine. I will forward that when you trigger it.

Feb 18 10:20am
B: And thank you.

Feb 18 10:25am
Me: I genuinely thought I had sent it days ago and last night I was wondering why I hadn’t heard anything back, that’s unlike you, so I checked and there it was, still in my drafts. So I apologize for not giving you enough time. If you’re available next Sunday at 9am, I’ll make sure the gate it unlocked.

(I did. I had accidentally sent it to K, not B. I had forwarded the email to her because I wasn't sure what to do, and when I replied, I apparently replied to her, not him.)

Feb 18 10:33am
No worries. I am sure you have a lot going on. Next Sunday is fine. Thank you again. 😁

Feb 20 1:45pm
Will Sunday at 3pm be okay?

Feb 20 1:56pm
I promise not to disturb you or your boyfriend and/or girlfriend.





+++RECORD SCRATCH+++

Um... PARDON ME? OH HELL NO. Things were fine until that. I was being nice. I was being EXCEPTIONALLY nice. Even though I didn't want to say yes. I was saying yes and being nice because of K. We talked and she said if he keeps bringing it up, what's the harm in letting him mourn and have it be done? And then he dropped that on me. Nope.

Feb 20 2:38pm
Me: Sunday 3pm is fine. I’m not sure if you were making joke, but it definitely hit me the wrong way. Whether I have anyone over or in my life is none of your business and frankly, I can plan accordingly. You needn’t worry yourself about disturbing me or my life. If I’m allowing you over, it’s on my terms.

Secondly, if it’s a joke, it’s in very poor taste and we are not (and may never be) in a place to make such jokes. If it’s sincere, again, I am well capable of organizing my social life as I feel comfortable.

The gate will be unlocked on Sunday. And Faye will be inside.

Feb 20 2:49pm
B: We won't be. Sorry for bringing it up. I will forget about Sunday. Thank you for being willing.

Feb 21 7:57am
Me: That is certainly your choice, however the gate will be unlocked and Faye will be put away should you change your mind.

Feb 21 8:09am
B: Please go ahead and do the reset if you are going to. I would really prefer not to receive notifications about former babies.

Feb 21 9:11am
Me: Will do.

(I do the reset, but it makes me pay for the chip service before I can reset any of the information which is stupid. He forwards the payment email to me and because I know him getting MORE emails from the company regard Mayuri are just insulting at this point, I send one last final email. I thought.)

Feb 21 9:56am
Me: It wouldn't let me update the email and info without choosing a plan first, sorry for all the emails. It should be fixed now.

Feb 21 10:30am
B: Okay. Much like you were unreachable in January when I wanted to ask about a Barnes and Nobles renewal on the Visa card, I will be unreachable in the future about these sorts of things.

That hit me the wrong way, but it is just one more shitty thing you did to me on a very long list of shitty things.

Goodbye and have a great life. I am so glad that extracting me made your life perfect and complete.

Feb 21 10:35am
Me: You could have emailed me to ask. I will make sure that get transferred to my credit card. Let me know what I need to reimburse you for that I will send a check in the mail.

Feb 21 11:12am
B: A text should have been just fine. I am sorry I wasted so much of my life on someone who cared so little for me.

I did and did for you. And you hated me for it.

You were the worst thing that ever happened to me.
*******

It was at that point that I wrote a response, angry, setting boundaries, telling him basically, THIS IS WHY I LEFT ASSHOLE. And then I stopped. I deleted it. I realized I didn't need to suffer his temper-tantrum. I'm no longer obligated to put up with him tearing me down to make himself feel better. That having the last word is less important to me than stopping the pattern. Just walking away. Not giving him the attention, not continuing the fight. I am not his handler, I am not there to curate his feelings. He can be a big boy and deal.

Yes, he's going through the same loss and hurt that I am. And yes, IT HURTS. A WHOLE LOT. But I'm doing what I can to mend myself. I'm not striking out at him. I don't even talk or think about him much. Sometimes, sure. But it's not my priority. I'm trying to fix +me+ right now because I'm way more important. So I go to therapy and I work through how I feel in regards to things that happened and I set new mental processes in motion and I will, slowly, make progress. I am choosing this course.

I chose to stop the conversation while I could roll my eyes and realize that he was trying to hurt me but he hadn't. Not yet. He could have. Absolutely. But I have the power to disengage from his behavior now and walk away. That is something I could not have done before. I am choosing my path.

I'm clearly upset by it still. It was hurtful. But I'm doing what I can to process and deal.

It's just genuinely hard.

I'm have doctors bills of $367.87 that I'm going to need to pay. And because I'm the person I am, I have less than $1000 available on my credit card - and I'm flying to Seattle, to spend money. And I have bills. And my sister doesn't have a job and can't pay rent. And I'm sort of... worried. I'll make it work. I always do. I'll be fine. I just need to budget big time when I get home. Time to cut everything out and no spending money. Like at all. Gift giving and altruism has screeched to a halt and I'm going to have to focus on paying down my credit cards.

I'm just tired. And I'm fine. I am actually. And I'm anything but fine.

Part of those doctor bills are for the ultrasound where they didn't find anything wrong with me, for the blood test where they didn't find anything wrong with me, for me to be condescended to because I had never been pregnant and therefore I don't know my body, I clearly don't under where my reproductive organs are and obviously I'm just constipated, it's just gas. And I'm not anemic. Which is good. But I'm always cold. And low energy. And if I'M FINE then why am I so screwed up? Why am I not fine? All the time?

Why am I so broken and badly formed? Why is my brain rotten? My skull like bruised fruit? My body incapable of responding normally?

It's only been since December. It's only February.

I don't need to go on dates.

I don't need it.

I still list myself as bi on my Bumble profile but I removed the option for men to see my profile because it felt so gross somehow. And I'm not a woman women want to get with. And I'm not being picky or discriminate. I've swiped right on the cute non-binary person, the trans woman, the curvy women, the dog lovers, the work-out enthusiasts, anyone who strikes my fancy. And my response back has been underwhelming. And it's just disappointing.

Because the common denominator is me.

I'm trying to be okay with my body. Bottom heavy, thick thighs, small breasts. A body that never met standards. B always joked he'd pay for me to get a boob job.

Who even am I?

Maybe when I figure that out, folks will find me more attractive? I just want to go on a date. Not meeting new friends. An actual date. +sigh+

Okay. Work is almost over. I fly to Seattle tomorrow. I have to go home and pack. And dye my hair. And do laundry. And drink. And cry.

Tomorrow will be a good day though. Even if today is hard. Or something better? Love y'all.
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Wed Feb 28, 2018 07:39 PM
I feel alive.

My heart and body feel happy and vibrant.

I feel so alive here.

We hiked down Snoqualmie Falls. I walked out onto a long, large felled tree and took a picture. Coming back, arms extended, trying not to slide off the slippery moss and fall down the side of the mountain, sure enough my foot slipped and I engaged my left leg inner thigh muscles and rond de jambed my right foot across the wet bark until I could step securely onto the the trunk. I felt so badass.

But I feel so incredible today. This weather, the mountains, everything. It’s just... right.
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Tue Mar 06, 2018 02:21 AM
I’m not saying getting high is a little disappointing, but I’m high right now and here I am, making a diary entry.

Now before you’re shocked by my current life choice, gasp, clutch your pearls and faint to the floor, let me just say that it’s legal here so... also, I’ve never tried it. I’m 38 and divorced and this is the first time I’ve done anything like this. Now, never you nervous Nellies entertain the thought that that means, well clearly D.A.R.E. didn’t work, heroin and cocaine are obviously next. No. Pass. Nor does it mean it’s a thing I do now.

And I’m only explaining myself because I’ve never done something that’s considered “anti-” by general acceptance of modern rules of speech.

I don’t need to validate my actions. Especially in my own diary. Especially to myself. Especially not because of the disapproval and disappointment of the general population. And it’s definitely not because of the small gnawing in my stomach of what if you have to have a urine test? Your doctor made you recently. What if you get sick?

But it is legal. I’m not in trouble.

Anyway.

Also it just hightened my side effects from rizatriptan and the topiramate. Yeah. Disappointing.

Gotta sleep. Flying home tomorrow!
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Tue Mar 06, 2018 09:10 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2018-03-08 12:07:42 paypal.me/SumayahDDN is the correct paypal whoops
I... am broke.

That was another reason for yesterday’s events. Getting high came after three shots of tequila, draining the last of the rum, and drinking green apple vodka straight from the bottle.

IT WAS A DAY.

So, uh... yeah. I’m straight up broke. I have $7.61 to my name and $0 on either credit card until the 14th. Now, I’m going to drop my my paypal right here, but be forewarned, this isn’t because of some tragedy that befell me and therefore I’m hard on my luck. Hold your pity. This is my own damn fault. I did this to myself. I went on vacation and spent too much money. However, that doesn’t change the fact that I can’t put gas in my car when I get home because I lost my head on vacation. So if you’re inclined to kick me $5 or something, I’d deeply appreciate it, if you’re like, um, maybe should have waited to post about getting high and maybe you should be smarter with your money, well, yes. I know. Lesson well learned.

paypal.me/SumayahDDN

So, why don’t I go return stuff? Souvenirs on vacation - especially stuff bought at comic con - don’t work that way. I know what happened. Trust me. I know.

I’m... acting out? Have a midlife crisis? 1/3 life crisis? Whatever. After 14 years of B telling me no, of being put second, of his wants and needs always coming first, of wanting things and never being allowed to have them, I’ve been on a kick of I-deserve-this-because-no-one-is-here-to-tell-me-no. And it’s not that no one is there to tell me no. I tell myself no. But there’s definitely that internal monologue happening, even if unconsciously.

For instance, when he needed a new car, he got a Mini Cooper. He waited a month driving his dying car to get the one her really wanted. When I needed a new car, I was told to get a Honda Civic and ended up with a car that was fine? I guess. When that car was totaled, I sae Fia and was ready to purchase her. B wanted me to go drive a Honda Civic. It didn’t matter what I wanted. It didn’t matter that he had gotten the car he wanted back then. He wanted me to get the car he wanted me to get and it pissed him off I got Fia instead.

When we remodeled the house, I didn’t want the pool table. I wanted a living room. He wanted a pool table. He wanted a new drum kit. He wanted silent heads for his old drum kit. I wanted and got a Roomba. He got his teeth fixed. He got the stupid tempur-pedic mattress and paid for it with the money from my totaled car. He got and got and got. When I wanted something, oh, it’s not in the budget. Anytime I wanted something unless it benefited him, it wasn’t in the budget. Hey can you order XYZ game/movie? When it goes on sale. Meanwhile his Collector’s Editions steel box movies and game would arrive almost daily.

So, yes, I acknowledge that because I’ve felt unimportant and neglected for so long, that I’d be awoken in the middle of the night to justify credit card purchases if I hadn’t asked permission and the bill was too high, that I’d be blamed for spending ay money at all when I wasn’t even allowed to spend any, I went a little crazy on my vacation. Do I regret my purchases? Not at all. Will I be on a strict budget for a while? Oh yes.

It’s just hard.

Before we divorced, I already had purchased this trip to Seattle. Before we considered getting divorced. This was happening. This trip was not planned with thousands of dollars in lawyers fees, and having to purchase a new mattress, and having to pay B back almost twice my car payment for the cash advance he took against his credit card when we split our accounts for half a year, and him moving out months before he said he would leaving me paying the mortgage alone for several months which is more than my single paycheck and all the utilities which all ended up on my credit card. This trip had not been planned with that in mind. It wasn’t made with my sister losing her job last month and not being able to pay rent so I covered it $250 last month and $250 this month (so far).

I wasn’t in a good financial place to start with. And maybe I overspent because I needed something for me, you know? I’ve been throwing money at my credit cards to pay off bills and to pay off B and to pay off my debt and I’ve made sure family and friends were taken care of because of who I am as a person and now I’m sorta stuck because I wanted this for me, but altruism is only as good as your pockets are deep.

I’ll be fine.

I’m an amazingly resistant woman.

And I’m not worried, too much. I will be fine.

But yesterday started with explaining all that to my mom and telling her that I couldn’t chip in $10 to an anniversary gift for her and my dad’s 49th anniversary because I don’t have the money. Literally. And then trying to explain I wasn’t asking for help. Because in all this time, while my parents supported me getting divorced and my dad went with me to the courthouse and took me out to lunch twice, they haven’t checked on me. They haven’t asked if I’m financially okay. I’m a little salty about that if I’m honest. But I guess turn about is fair play? I don’t exactly check in on them, so why should they check in in me? However, it’s been that way since I moved out. After my mom, when I was 20? yelled at me an told me to get the F out of her house and well, I did, our relationship has been fine but very, very distant. And it was never a nurturing relationship to start with.

It’s shitty.

At least my sister and I have found family together. Like actual family. Family that treats each other the way family should. Not the cold, distant using relationship my parents have with me. You better believe I will stick up and stand by my sister because she’s one of the few people I’m related to who treats me with the same love and care my friends do. And I’m grateful for her.

Yesterday was also hard because Cali has been going through a lot. She has severe, crippling anxiety. Hence the medical marijuana. It actually is specifically for her anxiety so she can manage her stress. Wednesday we, the two of us, went to Snoqualmie Falls and hiked very slowly in the trees and mountains down to the base of the waterfall and slowly back up. It’s the most active she’s been in a long time. Thursday was day one of the con. She had some severe anxiety and nearly had a panic attack in a quiet bathroom, spent some time sitting in the hotel lobby with her hubby C while I did my picture with David Tennant and Billie Piper. She rode home in the backseat of the car with a jacket over her head watching videos on my phone because her anxiety was so bad. Friday was better and she did better. Saturday more progress and we met up with a friend of mine and then later we met up with her friends, Sunday more progress and we went to the Space Needle and Chuhily Garden and Glass Museum and out to eat at a restaurant, so by Monday we all just crashed. Bodies tired, we were all emotional, and then her beloved Betta fish Zuko, who had been sick for a month or so, became gravely ill - dropsy - and they had to euthanize their pet. And I had dealt with a reoccurring payment not going through because my credit card is maxed. So. Hence the three shots of tequila, the rum, the vodka, the pipe. It. Was. A. Day.

So now I’m going to drink some coffee, get dressed, and catch a plane home and deal with the ramifications of my actions. Because I have no one to blame but myself. So. Love y’all. 💙💙💙
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Tue Mar 06, 2018 01:09 PM
I’m sitting at the airport. Fun fact, coffee beans will trip you up through the TSA line and my poor backpack is full to bursting. But I magicked everything in there. I got everything into my backpack and a small tote bag. I’m pretty impressed with myself, honestly.

I feel like a horrible, insensitive person. A selfish, horrible, insensitive asshole of a person. Saint M has been going through stuff, and needed time to sort things out - did a sort of social media and electronics boycott for a short time. And as they resolved some thing for themself, a different crisis hit and they have been unreachable again.

Now, this is why I’m a terrible human being.

Instead of being understanding and supportive, like a friend should, I’m disappointed. All this happened during my trip. My trip to the Pacific Northwest. She’s the one who got me into Tanis and going out to Snoqualmie Falls, I was excited and taking TONS of pictures to share with them because of the podcast. Except she was decidedly not there. At all. And I understand. And I’m working on not having my feelings hurt by giving people space when they need it and understanding that it’s not a detraction of me and my voice, they aren’t doing to me what B did to me, and I am getting about that. But I still feel hurt that she wasn’t there to share this experience with. And now it’s sort of passed and gone. Even if she wants to see the pictures, my enthusiasm for the moment is just lost. It was one of those things where it was magical in the moment, in that day, but now it’s just pretty trees and moss and branches and leaves.

And I feel so horrible. Because my selfish want to share that moment is overshadowing her very real problems. I’m on vacation. She’s dealing with whatever personal demons are plaguing her. My disappointment in not sharing an experience is ridiculous and I’m being a very selfish, terrible human for feeling this way. My emotions and feelings are not more important than someone else’s. Particularly when that someone is my friend. I should be much more concerned about her and her wellbeing and not selfishly feeling sorry for myself.

The new crisis that just came up, combined with the fact that she had been hesitating on buying tickets, I have the very real feeling that her trip to visit will not happen. You can’t make money appear out of nowhere and whatever she is currently dealing with far outweighs a vaction in August. So I’ve got this just sinking feeling that when I do finally hear from them, they’re going to tell me that they can no longer afford to buy plane tickets or take the time off from work. And I’m going to be okay. Because again, they need to do what’s best for them and their life. And having just taken a vacation that literally left me broke, I can’t blame them. But, again, that ugly selfishness is just eating at me. I want to them. I want to hug them and show them my town. And it feels like just waiting on the inevitable conversation. And again, I’m prioritizing my wants over my friend’s needs and that’s just an ugly, shitty thing.

Okay, time to board.

Let’s hope when I land, Ted Cruz no longer has a job.
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Tue Mar 06, 2018 05:31 PM
Sometimes I just need to write stuff out and get it out of my brain. I’ve been staring out the window, unable to focus on my book, and looking at the mountains.

Feeling disappointed is valid. That is a valid emotion that I’m allowed to experience and feeling disappointment does not make me a bad person or a bad friend. I had an experience I wanted to share and I feel disappointed that I was unable to do so. My emotions for myself do not detract from my concern for whatever larger issue they may be dealing with. And I have been more respectful and used my tools and been better at separating my inaccurate feelings from actual life.

If they do have to cancel their trip here, then I know it’s not because they don’t want to come, it’s not because of anything between us, it’s literally because life sucks and you can only do so much before you have to adult and when you don’t, you end up with $7 to your name. I +HOPE+ sincerely this is not the case, but I’m preparing myself for the bad news.

I’d rather be pleasantly surprised that everything worked out and I get to see my friend and we get to celebrate their birthday at Pride then build myself up and have a huge crushing let-down later. If the tickets were already purchased then it would be a done deal, but they aren’t so... Real life family is infinitely more important than me from the internet, you know?

I don’t even know what’s going on. I haven’t asked, they haven’t volunteered. I’ll probably find out on Twitter like everyone else. Or not, who knows. They may not be up to sharing at all. But beyond letting them and Cali and K and my sister all know I was headed home and I loved them and a similar text when I land, I’m not gonna bother them. Right now I know that’s the absolute best way I can help. By not doing anything at all.

Not my favored approach.

Aaaand turbulence just hit over the mountains.

Ever wonder if you’d survive a plane crash? Right now with all the snow, if we crashed, assuming I survived the plummet to earth, they wouldn’t easily be able to send out rescue crews. Chances are, even if we survived, we’d die anyway because of harsh conditions and being unreachable until spring thaw.

I swear my brain operates on the worst case scenario. At all times. Have I talked about this? So imagine you’re stuck behind a vehicle with a ladder tied to the top, in my head, my brain narrates the ladder coming loose and shifting, sliding back and hitting the ground before being driven through the windshield and death. Or furniture falling into the road and head-on colliding with it and death. Being forced into the cement barrier of the highway and having the car ricochet back into traffic where you get T-boned by the car behind you which rolls the car and you end up dead. Planes crashing. Boats sinking. If there’s a way to die in or by transport, my brain had actively imagined it.

I’ll tell y’all about ECCC later. I need to close my eyes and imagine this is just a dirt road.
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Tue Mar 06, 2018 06:23 PM
Okay. Wow. So I napped on the plane. Like, head bobbing and I took a solid 30-45 min nap. I also got up and used the facilities and I feel better. I need to eat, but that will happen when I get home. I cannot afford to eat out.

So ECCC.

Okay.

Thursday I was pretty much separated from Cali and C the whole time. I had David Tennant’s autograph, the Dr. Who panel, Billie Piper’s autograph and then the Dr. Who duo photograph. Billie Piper called me “my darling” in her lovely British accent. And she especially really loved the Karen Hallion print I chose for them to sign. It’s the one with the Tardis that had Bad Wolf spray painted across it and Little Red Riding hood looking back. I liked that it was them, but it was their episodes definitely. She was wearing ‘90s jeans and a Friends tee-shirt and if she could bring back any television show from the past, wanna know which on it would be? Beverly Hills 90210. Ded. David Tennent was just so, so lovely. He was quiet and friendly and just so nice! I am so glad I was able to have that opportunity.

Friday. Friday was the Firefly panel with Summer Glau and Sean Maher. Now the reason getting a picture with Summer Glau was important to me was because she was the actor I saw embrace dance and sci-fi. Even if she, herself, didn’t have much of a hand in that, the sheer fact that she had been a dancer and was acting and had these balletic scenes in her pieces was hugely influential to me. The grace and strength was just extraordinary. I had never seen my nerdy side and my love of ballet come together like that before then.

At the panel I decided to ask her about dance specifically. And I got to! I asked her what her favorite part of class was: adagio, pirouettes, petit allegro, grand allegro and how it related back to her acting. She never answered the second half of the question, ha! The music though, she loves the music of adagio and she actually sort of snuck for her first audition. She was hired as an actress, the director never having even seen her dance. So she got to dance Giselle in Buffy first, which was amazing because with the San Antonio ballet, that was a tole she hadn’t gotten to dance, and they loved the dancing so much they kept adding more and more of it. She was never a turner - except in her dreams, where you have that dream where you just pull off a perfect pirouette that just goes around 6, 7 revolutions and balances perfectly and lands. She hated frappes, but you gotta do them! You gotta do them.

And it was so amazing to have that experience. I was already signed up for a photo op but that’s very much cattle call. In, picture, next. I won’t do photo ops in the future. That’s more bragging rights than anything. So I decided to get her autograph and see if I could thank her and explain why she had made such an impact on me.

I couldn’t find a print to sign at the con. I didn’t want a headshot, I want something to get framed and display in my house, and a headshot isn’t that. I happened to walk by an artist’s booth and they had done these beautiful dancers with tattoos. And I ended up having her sign a picture of legs in soussus. On Sunday, when I finally was able to get her autograph - and Cali got Felicia Day’s autograph, when I got to the front of the line (also, Mathew Lewis was signing in the line next to me and the other boy who didn’t die is BEAUTIFUL let me just tell you), I explained about how seeing ballet in sci-fi was hugely impactful and that I had used the music from Safe for a recital dance and so now that influence was effecting my dancers. Because this year I half joked to my advanced ballet that we should do a Star Wars ballet dance and they were like, DO WE GET TO HAVE LIGHTSABERS!? and I was all, does this mean you’ll let me do it? And they were all, WELL YEAH OF COURSE. But it’s because I’ve been able to give them that exposure and make it fun and cool. And as I was talking she was getting a little misty eyed and instead of just making it out to me love Summer Glau, she wrote a whole paragraph and it was such an amazing experience and I walked away and started crying because it was so good.

Saturday and Sunday we got art and books signed and listened to panels and I took pictures of cosplayers and yeah. So good. Saturday we met up with my former coworker for lunch and it was good to see her and Saturday evening I finally met Cali’s friends who I’ve been online friends with for years now. One hugged me and said, “It’s great to see you again!” And Cali was like, “Have y’all met!?” And we like “no” and she said, “It +feels+ like we’ve already met.” LOL. We played board games and drank and had a good time.

Sunday, after we left the con we went up to the Space Needle - which was sorta lame because it’s under construction. They’re making it glass enclosed instead of open so most of the deck was closed. But I got to go out and see some of it. After that we went to the Chihuly Museum and Garden and if you’re ever in Seattle, definitely go. It was beautiful and inspiring. Just incredible. I highly recommend it. After that we went to dinner at this board game store and restaurant. We played this game called Kodama and it’s so gorgeous and if you like board games, it’s a strategy/matching game using cards. You build a tree. Trust me. You should play it.

Monday we rested and it was a day but I’ve already talked about that. Now I’m about to board my flight home. I love y’all.
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Tue Mar 06, 2018 06:47 PM
Can’t edit on my phone, just landed in Houston, literally just saw Saint M’s tweets (I had written all my posts on the plane and they posted when I landed).

I feel like an asshole.

Send them some love into the universe, she needs it. 💙
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Wed Mar 07, 2018 02:19 PM
Good news. My sister heard back from unemployment and they put money in her account. They deemed that the reason the company fired her for was not appropriate. She immediately transferred the first week of March's rent to me (it should be available to my account tomorrow and I can post a payment then). My nephew should be able to pay rent this week and that payment should post by Monday and I can have a payment to my credit card by Tuesday. I'll get the payments that bounced paid first - I'll call them first thing tomorrow morning and explain I just got back in and am taking care of everything and hope I don't get hit with late charges.

I get paid next Wednesday.

I should be okay. I hope.
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Wed Mar 07, 2018 09:20 PM
As if the universe is making a point, the new season of Tanis started. And you know how I was pouty before? Yeah. I’m excited to share those pictures of trees and ferns and moss again. When they’re ready. 💙
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Thu Mar 08, 2018 11:42 AM
Well, I’ve got a payment of $250 to my credit card. My nephew can only pay me $90 i rent because work screwed him over. So, I’m back to a quiet panic. The $250 helped. But I’ve got $140 in bills waiting to go through as soon as that payment hits. And other payments. I... screwed myself over.

This is my fault.

I did this to myself and now I have to figure it out.
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Thu Mar 08, 2018 10:03 PM
paypal.me/SumayahDDN

Just FYI that’s the correct paypal. I am not Nial in San Ramon, so that DDN at the end is pretty important actually.

If you feel like tossing $5 my way, honestly it helps. Here’s what I’ve done so far.

My sister paid me the $250 rent for the first half of March, I covered her rent for the end of February. My nephew paid his share of rent for February, but due to work screwing him (and frankly his entire department) over, he can only pay $90 for the first half of March. My sister has unemployment and is scheduled for orientation to be a substitute teacher in our school district. My nephew is actively looking for a different job.

I took my miles - over 24,000 of them - and turned them into a $122 credit to my credit card which lowered the balance by the much. The $250 payment is set to post by tonight (I can see it sitting there). So my bills that have been bouncing should go through. Since I’ve been out of town, I’m going to call the companies and use that as my excuse and tell them to run the card again, that a hold had put on it since I was out of state and that the matter was straightened out now. Hopefully that won’t effect anything.

My car payment went through and a very close friend sent me $15 which I’m putting in my checking account since it presently has change in there. That’s going to be a sketchy situation. I get paid on the 14th. My Rooms-To-Go payment comes out on the 15th and that will be fine. It’s not for much. My Lowe’s payment is set to come out on the 14th for $100. It’s either going to be fine or I’m going to pay a fine. If my paycheck hits first, everything is great. If my Lowe’s card hits first, well, there’s nothing I can do about it is there? I just have to hope for the best.

I didn’t have a choice, I had to make it work so I could see my therapist yesterday. It was too late to cancel so I would have been billed regardless. So I went and we discussed this need to spend money. She said it’s pretty common, that it’s a pretty common reaction to have. The need to give yourself the things you were denied. Especially when coming out of an abusive relationship. The real issue is, can I stop it? I told her I have to stop it, it’s pretty dire, I don’t have a choice. I need to budget. I need to budget and I need to stick to the budget. Period. And it’s not going to be easy, but I have to.

I want to succeed. I want to prove to myself that I can do this. After B telling me that I would fail, that I’m bad with money, that I’m irresponsible, that I’m basically helpless with him, I want to prove to myself that I am competent and capable. That he was saying that to keep me scared, keep deflated, keep my confidence shaky because then I was a tool he could use. The more unstable I was, the more beneficial to him, because he could control me and our money. But I am a smart woman. I can do this.

Purging the belonging that were ours - influenced by him - has been cathartic. But replacing items costs money. And I have definitely spent money on things I didn’t need. I just did the math for this trip and I’m pretty shocked. I basically blew an entire paycheck in Seattle. More than an entire paycheck. I... I don’t do that. I’ve never done that. I can’t believe I did that. That’s why I’m in such trouble now. Usually I take out like $200 and that’s all I’ve got. Period. Yeah. No. I spent nearly 1.3k for a week in Seattle. I actually feel lightheaded looking at that amount.

I mean... my little sister has no job and her husband doesn’t have one either, so I helped as I could. We went to the grocery store on Tuesday night and I chipped in for groceries for the week since I was eating their food too. When we went to eat I paid for my food. I bought us three tickets to the Space needle and Chihuly muesum because they couldn’t afford to do both. That was $119 for all three of us to do both. But it was worth it. The art I bought cost the most. It will cost more to get it properly framed. I realized though, that the art in my bedroom is the same art I’ve had - shrink wrapped from Michael’s or Bed, Bath, and Beyond - since before I got married.

Not that it makes it right.

Not that it makes it better.

Not that it excuses spending thirteen hundred dollars in Seattle.

But.

I have come to the conclusion that I need to purge.

Gradually B had moved me out of the house and confined me my office and the bedroom. So now that all my stuff has been condensed further into my bedroom, Inhave gone from feeling like a normal, sentimental packrat to a hoarder.

I am not a hoarder.

My room feels like a hoarders nest and I hate it.

So, it’s time to purge. It’s time to get rid of things I’ve been holding onto that I haven’t looked at in 15-20 years. It’s time to get rid of the old art and put new art up. There’s nothing wrong with the old art, I have good taste, but it is time for freah starts and new beginnings. It is time to leave behind the childish thing of my past. Time to burn old diaries. Time to donate old toys. Go through papers and see what’s important and what’s not. Time to keep things that are important and clear our the chaff. I’m going to sell my coffee table and end tables, the last remnants of my marriage. My Build-A-Bears he made for our wedding day. I had out those in a box on a shelf but the more I think about them, honestly? I think they deserve to go to Goodwill. Pictures I’ll keep. But I think that’s it.

Tomorrow I think I’ll work on a budget. Saturday and Sunday I’ll begin with my bookshelf. What books deserve to be displayed? What books should be put away? That will also clear up some floor space. Put my clothes away. Wash my sheets and make my bed. Little things. Clean my bathroom. We’ll start small and go from there.

Again, I can’t believe I did this. I can’t believe I lost control like this. This isn’t who I am. I can and will do better. I promise.
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Fri Mar 09, 2018 11:56 AM
Okay, I pleaded my case on Twitter and I got another $10. I'm planning on paying folks back for any money they send me. Because this is my fault. But I really can't afford the financial hit of $100 being debited before my paycheck gets deposited. So I just need $75 more. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Because every $5 and $10 helps.

I got my first bill from my doctors in January and fortunately I can set up a payment plan with them. I won't owe the full amount up front. So I've got that scheduled for the end of the month. I also called the bounced payments from earlier this week and got those payments taken care of since the rent payment finally hit my credit card. So far things are okay. Things will be better Wednesday when I get paid.

Making my budget today.

After I go have a very glamorous and expensive lunch to celebrate my 3rd year at work and my coworker's 17th year here. We are going to a très fancy French restaurant and having a very bourgeois lunch. Mind you, I'm not paying for any of it. Praise be work lunches. My boss is +VERY+ generous and typically drops $200-$300 on lunch out with us. So I shall be a fattened calf before I sit down with my bills and pen and paper (or an app? anyone know a good budget app?) and come up with a strict budget to get me back on track.

I can do it. Once I get past this scare, it's going to be okay. <3
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Sat Mar 10, 2018 05:59 AM
Okay. I downloaded the Mint app to start with and while it’s not perfect, it’s really useful. I still need to actually set a budget though. I also have two separate bank accounts and that’s a bit confusing. As soon as my name update goes through, I’m going to order checks and switch my paycheck auto deposit to my newest checking, and switch over the payments coming out of the old account to the new one. That will infinitely help me keep track of things better. I cannot close the old account, my car loan is there, but I don’t have to make it my primary bank either.

A very close friend sent me the $75 I needed. I was out to my lunch and we had been chatting briefly, not about that, and I got an email that I had $75 in my PayPal. We had just sat down at the table in the restaurant and I ordered a fancy gin drink and excused myself to the restroom to go have a small cry. I genuinely wasn’t expecting it. Not all at once like that. I will pay everyone back, that’s just who I am, if this were a situation where I had no control over things, that would be one thing. I’d be less quick to say “I’ll pay you back.” But considering this is a mess I put myself into, it’s not fair to make other people bail me out. I’ll take a hand out of the situation, but this is my problem to fix, not anyone else’s.

I did some purging last night. Glassware that’s just been taking up room. I probably should donate it to Goodwill instead of recycling it, but right now I don’t have it in me. It’s one more step. I just need things gone at this point.

Also, it sucks, but B ruined Batman for me. Completely. Everything Batman/Harley Quinn related has got to go. Too many bad memories.

Cats woke me up needing snuggles. Bern awake for the past few hours. Gotta gonteach soon. Tired now. +sigh+
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Sun Mar 11, 2018 05:16 PM
This feels ridiculous to say. Cleaning triggers me.

Cleaning.

I tried to clean my disgusting bathroom for the first time in months and I only got the bathtub and toilet cleaned. I’m going to clean off the counter and clean the sinks and do the floors today.

It’s just hard.

I can’t just clean stuff anymore.

When you clean your bathtub, do you use a scrub sponge and small scrub brush and scrub the grout around every tile? the fixtures? the tub? the shower curtain? When you clean the toilet do you clean in the bowl, under the rim, under the seat, behind the seat, the tank, the top of the tank, the outside of the bowl, the water connections? Do you dust the toilet paper holder, the towel holders, the windowsils, the baseboards? Because I’d get that shit pointed out to me if I didn’t. I’d get questioned on what products I used. If the chrome wasn’t shiny enough. Did I take window cleaner and dust the light bulbs? Did I dust the air vent? The top of the tiles around the shower. Did I wash down the door handles? the light switch plates? the outlets? Dust the corners for cobwebs? Wipe down the top of the door jambs? Did I vacuum? Mop? Wash the towels? The bathmats?

I started crying while I was cleaning yesterday.

Because that list? That’s not spring cleaning. That was EVERY. TIME. I. CLEANED. THE. BATHROOM.

And I get overwhelmed. Am I going to forget a step? Am I doing a good enough job? Am I going to be in trouble? Am I going to be a disappointment again?

It’s so hard.

It’s so hard.

It’s so hard.
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Sun Mar 11, 2018 09:58 PM
I still haven’t finished the bathroom.

I vacuumed around the toilet. I washed down the door. Glued the cat door on because the cats keep dislodging it.

It’s stupid right? Just do it. Just get it done. Stop procrastinating. Stop being pathetic and stop being a baby.

C’mon. This is drama of my own making. He’s not here anymore. He’s not going to walk in with a sarcastic, caustic remark. He’s not going to put me down. He’s not going to critique whether the grout is scrubbed clean or whether I used too much CLR on the tub. Whether I used the wrong cleaning product on the marble sink or whether I cleaned the light bulbs. That is all in my head. I’m making myself upset. I just need to put it behind me and move on. That is not my reality. I just need to get over it.

I’m so lame.

I still get surprised occasionally when no one barges into the bathroom while I’m on there. Except the cats. B gave me no privacy ever. I’d lock the bathroom door on occasion when my stomach was upset so I could use the bathroom in peace without him coming in. And I could never choose the correct bathroom when that happened. Because without fail, he’d need in the bathroom. Always. And he’d whine and complain that he just needed XYZ from the bathroom and I locked the door. And then when I came out, he’d complain that it smelled and why didn’t I use the other one? It inconvenienced him. My existence for 14 years revolved around pleasing him and not inconveniencing him.

And it’s stupid. I should be able to let it roll off me. I am a person who doesn’t hold onto injury. I don’t keep grudges. When I cut someone out of my life, I’m done with them, I don’t dwell on them. This is the absolute first time I’ve wasted any amount of energy on a person who I’ve decided I was completely done with. And it pisses me off that he still holds influence over me at all. I ripped the damn bandaid off. I threw it in the trash. But the wound is still healing and I hate it. Damn it I hate it.

Okay. Freaking daylight saving time. I need to go finish the bathroom. It’s all in my head.
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Mon Mar 12, 2018 11:02 AM
I didn't do it.

I lay in bed and stared awake at the ceiling and messed around on the internet. I did not finish my bathroom.

And it was okay.

No one got mad. I will get it done because having a clean space is healthy and beneficial. Because I want a clean space.

I know I need to be kind to myself, be patient. That I'm undoing 14 years of conditioned behaviour. It's not going to magically just be fine. I also know in the grand scheme of things, I'm not that bad off. I was not beaten or raped or abused. I'm making this a much bigger deal of this than it actually is. Honestly, knowing the real problems people have suffered through, I just need to suck it up. I'm no princess, I'm no victim. I can stand on my own two feet.

I chose this path for my happiness and my health. It's time to move on. It's time to deal with shit and put it behind me.

I am not someone to be walked on, to be used. I am a kind person, a good person, someone who cares about others and I do not have the time or the energy to invest in someone who is not longer in my life. I do not have the mental capacity to give weight to past wrongs. I am not that person any more. MOVE ON.

Get it through your brain. Work it through your nervous system. Map it through your body. He doesn't matter. His opinion doesn't matter. How he wants things done and his goddamn expectations don't matter.

I matter.

The people I love matter.

That's what's important. That's what's vital.

Being there to support my family and my friends the way they've been there for me - the way I haven't been. All that takes is time and energy. And if I'm less invested in making up dramas to be upset about - cleaning for Andraste's sake - then I can channel that energy appropriately and use it beneficially. Use it on people I care about.

I'm tired. I'm so tired. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling damaged. I'm tired of feeling weak and helpless. I'm tired of things being complicated by my own need to distort them and make them complex.

Maybe that's why my marriage failed.

Wait.

B was a narcissist asshole who used me for his own financial and material gain, make no mistake. I am not excusing him or removing him from the picture. His behaviour doomed our marriage from the start and I should have left a long time ago. Let me be perfectly clear about +that+.

What I mean though, is no relationship is single-sided nor is any relationship bad all the time. Yes, he was a jerk. Yes, I hope his teeth fall out of his head. Yes, I hope many terrible though benign things upon him - an ant infestation, for example, or a broken pipe in his complex that requires him to move to smaller unit, his dvr not recording his shows even though he programmed it correctly, his shoes and socks getting wet at work first thing in the morning - things that would be a horrible inconvenience and annoyance in his life but would cause no real harm except that I know it would eat at his soul and cause him great mental and moral distress. Yes I'm mad and not over the way her treated me and I haven't let it go yet or I wouldn't still be dwelling on this so clearly I'm not quite the water off a duck's back type of person I thought I was.

But no, WHAT I MEAN is maybe my need to make things complicated aggravated things? Maybe that's part and parcel to who I am? Maybe I'm not satisfied unless there's some sort of drama? I honestly don't know. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't want the drama, self-imposed or otherwise. I want to help people. I want to be a good sister, a good friend. I to be a positive influence and have a reach that extends beyond myself so that when I die, I have left my patch of earth and my space of air and my bit of internet a better place. Campfire rules. Even if no one remembers my name, I want to have left a impression on my microcosm of the world better for being here you know?

And if I am that person, that person who stirs drama within themselves for the sake of stirring drama just to be upset, then I can't be that good person. Y'all have been with me for a long time, you've seen me develop and grow and change. You've seen me become more honest, more transparent, more blunt. Tell me honestly, am I that person? Because if so, I need to find ways to change that behaviour - to identify it, to recognize when I'm starting down this path of the dramatic and getting upset for the sake of being upset and redirecting my energies. I don't +want+ to be that person. So if you see that, if that's the person I am, TELL ME. Because I want to change, but I need to be aware of my behaviour. I'm trying you guys.

I'm making progress. I'm really, deeply doing the work and it's hard but I'm trying. I want to be a good person. I don't want to be the same person I was with him. Walked on. Passive. Unable to stand up for myself. Only helping others because I couldn't help myself. I can help myself now. I can help myself and I be as good friend as well. I want that. I want to be a healthy, whole person.

Okay. I love y'all. I'm excited for Odessa and Scarlet and Imadanseur to come visit in April!!!! That's going to be so exciting!
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Wicked_Elphabamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Mar 13, 2018 12:08 AM
Sumayah wrote:


Okay. I love y'all. I'm excited for Odessa and Scarlet and Imadanseur to come visit in April!!!! That's going to be so exciting!


Don't forget Chicago in November! :D
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Theresamember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Tue Mar 13, 2018 09:04 PM
Have you ever heard of Mercari? It's an app, kind of similar to eBay, at least then you could throw some of that stuff out there, and make a buck or two. I mean, sometimes ONLY a buck or two (people like to low ball sometimes, lame...) but solves two jobs. You get the stuff out of the house, and get a little cash flowin'.
re: I constantly recommend a little bit of disdain, a little bit of resistance
By Sumayah
On Thu Mar 15, 2018 08:20 AM
Emt - although that’s not your username anymore, so that’s weird. I’m hoping to pull it together. I had the miles and then I got stupid in Seattle and now I don’t have the miles so it’s all out of pocket. But I’m making some financial changes. I started tonight at the grocery store. I’ve implemented a budget. I just have to get my card down a reasonable amount. My goal is to be there for y'all. Like, that’s why it took me so long and asking Twitter before I finally broke down and cashed out my miles. Things were that bad. But I was holding out that long. But if I have bad credit... :/ So I’m not as 100% as I was before, I’m 85%, but it’s on my priority list for the year. And I have time in my side to save up again. 💖

T - I haven’t heard of that app. Really the only thing I was looking to sell was a marble topped coffee table, with three end tables, and a matching console. And the 90s Star Wars boxed figures he left behind. They aren’t worth much. Maybe $6-$20 per action figure, but all told I might have $200-$300 worth of toys? Maybe less? It’s two large boxes worth. Otherwise, the stuff I’m purging isn’t really worth anything. It’s trash.

Well.

To anyone but me.

I’m an organized packrat. I have things I made in school that I loved filed away in folders, old stuffed animals that filled my room as a child, just odds and ends and things that evoke a memory when I look at them. But nothing that anyone else will have any attachment to or desire to own. But right now, it’s not organized. It’s chaos. And I’m overwhelmed in it all. Some of my stuff is things I inherited from deceased family. My family isn’t big. So I hold onto the things I get. But... it’s definitely time to make my peace with some of this stuff.

Went to therapy today and worked through some important stuff. I’m a calculated impulsive person. I think for a long time about what to do. But once I have a plan of action, I execute it pretty quickly.

*****

I fell asleep you guys. I fell asleep with my phone. It was 10:38pm according to my sleep tracker. That’s how exhausted I was from the day. I didn’t cry (that’s not true, a solitary tear begrudgingly escaped from my eye during therapy) but I felt completely drained by the end of the day. After work, because I’d been paid (yaaaaay) I stopped by the grocery store and bought groceries and my sister and I split a cheap but good frozen pizza and a salad, watched some ANTM and then I got in bed and started writing in my diary. And promptly passed. out. cold. But anyway, back to where I left off...

*****

So, being someone who is relatively decisive, I try not to spent too much time on regret. Because I know there’s no going back. That’s why last year once I got on antidepressants, I gave my marriage the good old college try, you might say. Because once that road was started down, I knew there was no coming back. Truthfully my only regret is that I didn't do it years earlier. But that’s not something I dwell on. I might mention it here in occasion, but it’s not in the forefront of my thoughts, it’s not a true, deep, sincere regret that eats at me, you know? It’s a damn, I wish I had gotten out a long time ago and spared myself some bullshit and had some more time for life, c’est la vie, gotta make the most of it now.

But I do have some emotions, anger and hurt, that I’m not moving past. That I keep running into like a wall. And I know until I process them out, I cannot move onto some of the heavier, more difficult things. I want to eventually get to discussing my sex life and that’s going to be +hard+ and I want to talk about my body dismorphia and that’s going to be +hard+ but those are definitely things I need to work out. But I HAVE to get through this anger and this hurt first. Because I’m stuck. I’m a broken record.

I described my brain to my therapist this way, like cartoons draw brains a offices with filing cabinets and desk and people working, right? Well, mine has the windows open and the ceing fan on and all the papers are a maelstrom swirling around. It’s why I journal. To help organize all those papers and put things straight again. It’s why I move on and don’t dwell on things. Once I catch a piece of paper, a memory, if it’s worth saving I file it away, if it’s not, I throw it away. There’s no sense in putting it back in the stack to get reprocessed later. But this anger and hurt I have for B, I keep catching it over and over and over again and instead of throwing away, it gets put back in the stack and ends up back in the sweep of papers blowing around my brain for me to find later.

And it’s so frustrating.

I WANT TO MOVE ON.

That’s how I work. That’s what I’m used to. I don’t like dwelling and sitting in this anger and in this hurt. I don’t want that to fester, I don’t want those emotions to take root; I don’t need poisonous vines of bitterness growing over my heart with their sharp thorns of resentment puncturing the fragile muscle and scarring it more, I don’t need it to sow its seeds into my blood and spread it’s cankerous necrosis, making me someone I not. But I don’t know how to move past it. There is no emotional weed killer.

Mind you we didn’t start there. We started with frustration. It took probably half the session to get the point that I’m frustrated that I’m angry and hurt still. I didn’t know it until I said it. But once I said it, I knew exactly the instances that I’m still angry and hurt and about.

Being denied to go to the doctor when I was suicidally depressed and being told that my life wasn’t that bad, I needed to be happier and appreciate the nice stuff we had and eat better and exercise more. When the following year when he got severely sick, he went to the doctor all he needed to. And when he was sick, and I was still suicidally depressed, I was supposed to emotionally support him, change our diets to suit his restrictions, and make his environment as low stress as possible and take on as many high stress things so he could heal. I AM STILL ANGRY.

Him saying he would have divorced me and then using me to take out a nearly 110,000 mortgage on the house in my name where he walked away with a pool table, a drum kit, toys and tons of of stuff and I’m left holding the bill? I AM STILL HURT AND ANGRY.

The fact that he kept me depressed so he could use me for his personal financial and material gains? I AM HURT AND ANGRY.

But!

I can feel those emotions and I can acknowledge that these were things he did to me. That he’s a complete asshole. He treated me horribly. But those events do not have to define me. Just because I let go of the anger and hurt doesn’t lessen what he did, doesn’t excuse it, doesn’t make him less of a monster, and it sure as hell doesn’t mean I have forgiven him. Letting go of the anger and the hurt will allow me to heal and will allow me to move on. Because I’m in control of my life, I choose who I let have prominence in my brain. I am making the choices that are best for me. And I am choosing not to be anger, not to stay hurt, because it is what I need. I need to heal and not carry that amount intense emotional burden with me. Letting those emotions go does not in any way exonerate him and I will still hold him accountable for his past actions, but I can do so without allowing myself to be so very encumbered by the memories. I choose to move forward. Because I am not tied to him and he holds no sway over me. I have felt the anger and I have felt the hurt. And I may have moments of pain from those events yet, still. And that’s all right. But I won’t let them consume me.
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