Forum: Arts / Diaries

Brainwashed and Jaded
By Sumayah
On Mon Mar 19, 2018 02:21 PM

VOLUME I

Sumayah
age 12-13

1991-1992
October 28

Personal Diary or Journal

*******

Tues. & Thur. School
I go to [REDACTED] Academy
Mon. Jazz, Tue. & Fri Ballet
I dance at Ballet Austin

*******

October twenty-eighth "91"

You won't believe what happened! I left my books in the van and now I have to get all my work done. The problem is Mother just started working again to bring money in. Daddy's business is filing for chapter 11, whatever that is. Well my books were in the van and Mommy had the van and I couldn't get any books till almost 4 o'clock! I know I should have spread my work out instead of rushing Monday night to finish it.

Guess what! Mamie is going to be coming to live with us.

I have a book report due next Tuesday. I'm going to write it on the book Emily of New Moon. It was a very good book.

You will never believe what I did! I MADE a pair of pointe shoes our of papers, masking tape,cardboard, and ribbons! They fit me and I can actually go en pointe in the! Pretty good, huh.

You know normally I hate to write in a journal or something but I like writing in this book. I guess it's because I don't have to. Nobody told me to go write in my diary, I just did it.

I have a correction. I am beginning to like boys. I wish Mother would stop saying, "Sumayah hasn't figured out why boys were put on the earth," or something like that.

You know what I hate, I hate wearing a bra!

I could keep writing but Mother just said "Lights out," so good bye. I will write in you soon. I promise.

P.S. I can't wait to be thirteen!

SMILE!

P.P.S. I was going to start my book report today but I didn't because of the rain & lightning. I was going to do it on the computer.

19 Replies to Brainwashed and Jaded

re: Brainwashed and Jaded
By Sumayah
On Mon Mar 19, 2018 03:34 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2018-03-19 15:37:58
Hey y'all. So you may notice I've got two diaries running. I found a cache of my old handwritten diaries and I initially had ideas of interjecting them into my current diary, but I think they deserve their own place. I'm going to leave my personal color commentary for separate posts like these which will be in italics.

I'd say my grammar and syntax should tip you off, but rereading some of those entries, I, uh, have a style... shall we say? XD The way I speak and write is extremely me and always has been.

Just for transparency, I am correcting spelling and obvious grammar issues. There's no sense in forcing y'all to read through something that two seconds to fix. I'm also breaking up the WALL OF TEXT that is my actual diary for reading ease. Because, wow, 12 yr old me had no idea what a paragraph break was.

Feel free to comment and ask questions and I'll clarify and respond.

Okay. A couple things.

1) My dad's business did file Chapter 11. He was co-owner of a local production company and was the lead editor. This was right when the original Gulf War was going on. They had a multi-million dollar deal that they lost due to planes not being allowed to land overseas and WELP. That was that.

Before that, we weren't exactly well off, but we were solidly upper-middle class white folks in a upper-middle class newish neighborhood. After? Well friends, this is where our story picks up, in a serious economic downshift in Sumayah's life.

2) Mamie is my crazy aunt. She was moving in because of me. The school I went to was a private school that my mom's friend started, but a parent or guardian had to also attend to help. with both my mom and dad working, she moved in to fill that space. It was not good.

3) If you want to know my type, read the Emily series. You will hear me admit to having a crush on a girl in any of these diaries because I barely trusted vocalizing I liked boys, but the pale skin, dark hair, bookish dreamy sort? I CAN'T IMAGINE where that came from. I secretly wanted her and Ilse and Teddy to all get together. When they get trapped in the house during the snowstorm, I always wished Perry wasn't there and I wanted the three of them to get involved. Even back then.

So uh. I'm not sayin' but I'm saying.

Also, it's really telling that the first thing I admit is that I like boys but I'm afraid to tell my mom. Because I'd rather be asexual/aromantic for 20 years then have her know I'm a sexual human being who likes other humans. That's a real thing that happened. I was so afraid of being teased or her making some big deal out of it or embarrassing me that I just. didn't. like. anyone. publicly. because. it. was. easier. Because that's my mom. But y'all will probably see. I don't know. We'll find out together.

4) I still hate wearing bras. Bralettes 4 lyfe. Or more to the point, no bras! yaaaaaaay!

5) Also, yes, the title is a riff on the Green Day song Brainstew/Jaded with heavy allegory to the fact that I was raised a Jehovah's Witness and that's some brainwashing cult bullshit.
re: Brainwashed and Jaded
By Sumayah
On Tue Mar 20, 2018 10:27 AM
October 29, 1991 Tuesday

Right now it's 7:07am. We just dropped Mother off at the school she works at. Daddy is taking a shower, or was. He is going to take Mother's place at DLA. We will be leaving soon to go to school. I hope I have a good day!

It's now 7:11 am. Time sure flies!

We had an electrical storm last night. The sky turned from purple to blue every time the lightning struck.

I wish I didn't have to go to school! I'm wearing a white cotton top so I have to wear a bra. Yuck!!

I'll write later. It's 7:16am. So long!

I'm back. It's 10:10pm. Today a cold front came in. I was wearing a sleeveless shirt and shorts. It rained a lot. In math I got one problem done because I was talking with Kristi and Jennifer. I had fun. Most of the kids went out in the rain and got soaked! That was on the second break. I didn't go out. Why you wonder? Well one, because of my ear, two I didn't want to get sick, and three, I was wearing white.

I got to go see Dr. Youngblood today. He's my ear doctor. My ear drum burst again and I to have surgery on it, again! Today he took the packing out and the stitches. He used this suction thing to take the packing out. I HATE THAT THING!!!

We went to bookstudy tonight. I had a good day today. Daddy and I ate at Taco Cabana. Mommy worked again today. She works Mon-Fri. I need to brush my teeth. I wonder what time it is? I wonder what my handwriting will look like in three years? I hope I will be in the new system then. The heater in the car didn't work again tonight. I just about froze. It started working again just as we pulled in the driveway.

I'm tired and I've run out of room to write, Oh, by the way, I brushed my teeth. It's 10:34pm, everyone's gone to bed. Good night. I'll write soon. I promise. Bye.
re: Brainwashed and Jaded
By Sumayah
On Wed Mar 21, 2018 08:34 AM
October 30, Wednesday "91"

Today I had to do three lessons in Pre-Algebra today. I was looking through my science book today and guess what! I found two lessons on evolution. YUCK!! I hate homework.

This morning I forgot to feed the dog & cat. Mother got angry about that.

I'm glad I only go to school two days a week. I told you what I did today. Homework.

Mommy and I went to the grocery store. (Gross-ery store HA, HA). We had pizza for lunch. Yum! I hope tomorrow goes well.

In the back of my Pre-Algerbra book I found an odd number answer key. Do they Want kids to cheat! I'm glad today wasn't a school day.

I wish I didn't have a fat stomach.

Oh well.

I wish I had a down comforter & pillows & mattress cover.

Wonder what time it is? I'm so tired. Tomorrow is school.

I like the floral cover on this book.

I hope someday I can dance on pointe. I mean dance.

Here are some of my goals:
*To be baptized
*To dance en pointe
*To raise my leg over 130*
* And hold it there
* I want to stop biting my nails

My dog Cinnamon (he's a Shetland Sheepdog otherwise known as a Sheltie) licked & licked & licked my hands.

Instead of Mother tucking me in, I tucked her in. It's so quiet.

Tomorrow I have to wear contacts. I think I will wear one blue one & one clear one. I'm not sure what to write abut. It's now 10:24 pm. I think I'm going to start wearing a bra, daily. I'm going through mood swings every month. For one week every month I do this. Mommy says I will probably be starting my period soon. I hope not.

I wish my ear would heal! I don't like my glasses. I don't like contacts. I wish I wasn't nearsighted. I was going to write something down but I don't remember it anymore. I didn't think I would fill the page but I did.

Good night. Good bye. I'll write later. I promise. Nite!
re: Brainwashed and Jaded
By Sumayah
On Wed Mar 21, 2018 10:15 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2018-03-21 10:15:52
Brainwashed.

Okay, I feel I almost a due diligence to speak up right now.

The Jehovah's Witnesses are a cult. All of the religious bullshit you will hear me espousing as a tween and teen is regurgitated brainwashed lies that keep you within the bounds of the religion.

I want to make it really clear that it is insidious what they do and it should be painfully obvious that the religious overtones are both invasive and crushing to a pre-teen starting puberty.

And should be able to also tell, those who know me well, I'm livid right now. Furious. Okay.

+deep breaths Sumayah+
+deep breaths+

I should give a little break down on how the cult is managed. Jehovah's Witnesses are the religion and also the followers, frequently referred to as JWs or Witnesses. The Watchtower, Bible and Tract Society is the publishing company as run by the Witnesses. The Governing Body is a group of octogenarian white men who live in New York and are completely disassociated from the realities of real life. They interpret the bible and their interpretation is inspired by God and they are among the few (144,000) actually going to heaven. Their word is law. You don't go against the Governing Body.

Bethel in New York is the elite for men to go train to be better brainwashed as JWs. In cities around the globe you will find Kingdom Halls - churches. They don't like the word church because of Christendom. Basically they like to be extra. In each Kingdom Hall is the Elders - only men - who rule over their flock, the member of their congregation. Within the congregation, men can gain privileges to do more and work to become elders. Women? Well... It goes God -> Jesus -> Congregation -> Husbands -> Fathers -> Shit out of luck. It's a whole big patriarchy where women don't have any power.

Higher education is frowned up. Making a lot of money is frowned upon. Dating is extremely frowned upon unless you have a third person with you at all times to make sure no sex happens. Premarital sex or any sort of sexual touching or activities (even masturbation!) can lead to you get disfellowshipped. Disfellowshipping means you are excommunicated from the church AND YOUR FAMILY. YOUR OWN FAMILY IS NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO YOU. YEAH. Okay. Moving on before I punch something, it is creationist and ignores clear science that points to evolution as fact. It takes the bible as fact. All of it. ALL OF IT. ALLLL OF IT. It interprets the crazy stuff to it's own purposes - see Revelation.

Biblestudy is an hour meeting where small groups have a Q&A based on literature provided by the Watchtower - books written by those out of touch white guys based on bible material that should somehow be applicable to our lives today? There was a two hour meeting that studied other stuff as a congregation and then a two hour Sunday meeting. So five hours a week spent studying the bible - not including your own preparation and study of the material.

Going out in service is when those annoying JWs knock on your door. They don't like it either. But you have to get enough hours a month or like you get guilted in trouble. You're not doing Jehovah's work and you should feel bad. You might even get a talking to by the elders because you aren't doing enough to serve God. No really. The goal is to pioneer. To basically spend every waking moment out telling people about God and trying to convert them.

If being a pioneer isn't your life goal you're basically a bad person.

BRAINWASHING.

To do that you have to be baptized.

So yeah.

It's... just... I... AAAAGGGGGHHHH .

Okay. Just so you know. Brainwashing. Cult. Cuuuuuult. +sigh+
re: Brainwashed and Jaded
By Sumayah
On Thu Mar 22, 2018 10:32 AM
October 31 Thursday "91"

Today is Halloween. Ughh! The doorbell has only rung twice. Thank goodness!

Today was library day. We didn't go because we had a half a day. It was almost sleeting today. In Killeen it snowed about three inches. Talk about early winter. In school I only had these periods. Texas History, Earth Science, Pre-Algebra, and Literature, in that order. I had another fun math lesson. Not much work got done. We talked a lot. I am on the back now. I sit on the right. Kristie (I think that's how she spells it.) sits center or left. Jennifer (Jenny) sits right or opposite of Kristie. We are taking the pre-test Tuesday. I hope I pass. The only homework I have is History, Lit, and my book report. That's all due Tuesday. I can manage that.

Have you noticed I usually write at night? I also have basically (I think that's how to spell it.) the same end sentences. I'm having to write in the kitchen so the trick-or-treaters don't see my light.

At school I thought that DLA should take a field trip to play in the snow.

My hair was so greasy and I couldn't do ANYTHING with it. It needs to be washes. I'll do that tomorrow.

Wonder what time it is?

It's 9:45pm

I wonder what time I'll read this again. 3:45pm 1996 notes 16 yr old Sumayah and now, at 11:20am 2018 notes 38 yr old Sumayah XD

The whole time I've been writing this I was snacking on grapes. I think I will have a banana.

Now I'm eating a banana. It tates good. It TATES good! I mean it TASTES good.

I have a lot of thing in CAPITAL letters.

I be tired and it be 9:50pm. I'm going to run out of room again. Follow the arrow. ----->

---->Mommy is asleep. Daddy is playing Weltris on the computer. I wonder if the dog is with Mommy?

He is.

The cat is laying on the sofa. I should say sleeping on the couch. I'm running out of room so I'll say my end line. Good nite. Sleep tight. I'll write more later. <3 me <3 ya (Fin)

I've almost got it filled! So long, fare well and good night!

I've almost got it. It's now 10:13pm. Time really does fly. I m tired.

Not an inch of space left. When I first got this I thought I wouldn't fill one of those. (-> That page.) WRONG!! I don't think I can write anymore. I can but it will tough. Today we got a History unit test 3 units! We can look over it but we can't write on it. I made a copy to write on.

This is getting really confusing. I shall fill this page. I'm going to say good night to Mommy, Daddy, Cinnamon, Tiger, and myself. I shall cuddle under my comforter and sleep well, I hope.
re: Brainwashed and Jaded
By kinsidhe
On Thu Mar 22, 2018 11:33 AM
Hi Sumayah of today and yesterday.

Just wanted to say, Thank you for sharing this. It is helping me with some surprising insight into 12 yr old Kinsidhe, as well as just being a really good read. I smile at the sign off every time, as my journals from that age end very much the same way.

warmest regards,
K.
re: Brainwashed and Jaded
By Sumayah
On Thu Mar 22, 2018 12:47 PM
Kinsidhe, initially, I was just going to burn the lot of these diaries. But I realized I have a lot of feelings - a lot of anger and regret especially - from my teen years and since I'm paying for therapy right now anyway, it seemed like a cathartic thing to go through them and give the memories less power and maybe hash out the memories that need dealing with.

Like already I see the body dysmorphia I struggle with to this day creeping in. That single, throw away line, "I wish I didn't have a fat stomach," written by prepubescent me, the me I know wasn't super skinny, but by no means overweight, but was already having body identity problems? That's directly the very lasting fault of my original ballet teacher who always commented on our bodies in class. I started ballet late, this was only my second year taking ballet, I started at 10, and like a lot of 10 year olds, I had baby fat and was gawky and had a belly and was learning muscle control. But she'd tell us with a disgusted expression to "put our fat stomachs away" that she didn't "want to see our lunches." And that triggered a very long and deeply ingrained self-image and self-esteem problem I hold to this day, as well as a pattern of disordered eating I fall into because of that criticism.

It's also made me a better teacher though because I'm very inclusive of all my dancers and their limitations and conscious of my words and their impact. I make a point to tell my dancers that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, that how you're put together is neither good nor bad, it's just how your body is made, but it's how you make the most of what you have that matters. I also use anatomical terms over colloquial ones because they're inherently less loaded.

Anyway.

It's definitely going to be an interesting thing, seeing me grow-up, go through puberty and start to lose some of that very childish naivety 12 year old me has in spades. I'm glad this is helping others too. I was talking with a friend about it and she said that some of it was relatable content for 12 year old her as well. XD
re: Brainwashed and Jaded
By kinsidhe
On Fri Mar 23, 2018 08:02 AM
Hi Again,

I am glad you didn't burn them, though I understand the impulse. I have held on to the journals from my childhood and youth and they are painful. Reading them now, I find I experience anger that I didn't/couldn't feel back then at the injustice and mistreatment I experienced. In some ways, perhaps it allows us to champion the child no-one else saw back then. I don't know.

It breaks my heart to hear your child-self's pain through her words. I can see in her matter-of-fact words, the seeds of the pain you must be carrying now. It makes me want to reach out and let her know what an extraordinary person she truly is, but there is no way to go into the past, all I can do for her/you is hear your words now. I am listening. I admire and am grateful you have the strength to use your pain to find a way to be a better teacher than you had. I want to cheer you on, Good on you! No one, child or adult needs to be treated the way you were-that you can take your pain and turn it into kindness and thoughtfulness for your own dancers just speaks to your character.

This is a worthy journey you are on, and I admire the courage you have to take it.

warmest regards,
K.
re: Brainwashed and Jaded
By Sumayah
On Fri Mar 23, 2018 08:36 AM
November 1 Friday "91"

Today I was supposed to clean my room. I didn't and this is why. Daddy and I dropped Mommy off at work early (if you call 7:30 early) in the morning. We came back home and I slept for three more hours or so. I got up and went through my normal morning wake-up thing. I take about two hours to do that.

Then dad said, "Get dressed."

I said, "Why?"

He said, "I need to run a few errands."

I got dressed and we were off. We first stopped at this music store. Then we got some cheeseburgers. I had mine "no onions or lettuce, a large Dr. Pepper and a small order of French fries" from Short Stop. We drove down to Zilker Park's Boticanical Gardens. Or something spelled like that. We ate lunch there. We started at the end pool and when we were done, we walked up to where it began.

Well, anyway, when we were eating we were attacked by some grackles. At first there were two and I threw a fry to them and then there were about twenty of them. Two cats came and ate anything we threw out. We also attracted wasps. Yea! We followed the stream all the way up to where it starts. It's called a well-spring. The water came up out of a rock. It was neat!

We went to another music store.

I had about 30 minutes to clean my room. Yeah right! We picked mom up, dropped dad off and went shopping. Mom got some nail stuff. We then went to the "Gallery of Pets" and got Tiger some food. I saw the cutest baby lop-eared rabbit. It was black with the sweetest brown eyes. It was SO cute.I want it.

Our final stop, Walmart. Mother got me two pairs of jeans and a cute sweater. When I wear that sweater you can hear me coming. It has a bell on it.

Good nite. Sleep tite. Don't let the bed bugs bite. I'm angry with Mommy but I <3 her.

<3 ya
re: Brainwashed and Jaded
By ChristinePremium member
On Fri Mar 23, 2018 10:44 AM
Finally had a few minutes to explore this.

Three things....(because, "Three Is A Magic Number")

1) Thanks for sharing your journey. Your 12 year old self is delightful.

2) Like The Mirror of Erised, enjoy the moment but do not get lost in it forever

3) No regrets. Face the future with hope and optimism. The past is behind you.

Hugs....I love you. xoxox


Keep On Dancing*
re: Brainwashed and Jaded
By Sumayah
On Sun Mar 25, 2018 08:49 AM
Oh I’m not afraid of getting living in the past right now. I’ll explain more in my personal diary. This is more an exploration and maybe, ossuary, of myself past. The skeleton of my former self is housed in the pages of these diaries and I’m shaking loose the memories and alleviating them of power. Dealing with them, dealing with all my past.

I have a lot of regret. I have a lot of quiet anger and resentment. And right now, I’m dealing with more abject emotions than I’ve ever had to deal with and this is how I’m sorting them and handling them. And I’m sort of surprised because that last entry? Rereading it? I remember that day, the part in the gardens with my dad and that is a lovely memory and I’m glad to have revisited it. I had forgotten in all my dark, in all my melancholy and depression that there were pleasant days like that. I’m glad to have remembered.

Anyway, on we go.
re: Brainwashed and Jaded
By Sumayah
On Sun Mar 25, 2018 09:33 AM
November 2-4 “91”

Nothing much happened to write about. On the second, I went with Mommy to where she works and helped rearrange stuff there. I treated mommy to lunch. Hamburgers. That’s basically what happened that day.

The third. I did my book report. It turned out good. Mother and I went shopping for a nice coat. Same thing as always. London Fog. Same style as the one they made when I could first walk. It’s red, my last one was blue. Oh well. I also got a really nice pair of shoes. Burgundy. They have a bow on them. We went to our meeting. After that we stopped at Sonic. I had a cherry-lime slush. Delicious!

Today, I got up, got dressed and dad got what he needed at the music place. We came home. I did my homework. That took me all of thirty minutes. I was bored for the next couple hours.

Now for tge not related to the day stuff. I am not pretty. No one told me, I know. I can see myself kissing a boy. I can’t see the boy though. I gave this character I made up. Her name is Missy and she looks and is everything I want to look and be like. When I’m around people my own age I know what to say. I feel like they don’t like me. Mother would say, “You’re feeling sorry for yourself.” I DON’T REALLY CARE!! She treats me like a baby. I’m not sure what I am. Am I a teenager (I’m almost there!) or a baby? I don’t know. I wish I could be Missy. Curly hair. Brown eyes. Gold brown, that is. Pretty figure. I’m none of the above.

I did get my hair washed. Gotta go ❤️ You! Bye! ❤️

P.S. I can go to ballet but not jazz. I hope I get in shape. Wish me a good day tomorrow. Bye! ❤️ Ya!

P.P.S. My butt hurts for sitting on the floor.
re: Brainwashed and Jaded
By Sumayah
On Sun Mar 25, 2018 09:58 AM
Okay. So that last entry? I’m legitimately heartbroken and crying right now for 12 year old me. That was brutal to write.

First off, I +hated+ those London Fog coats. It was this one.
Image hotlink - 'https://img1.etsystatic.com/122/0/9875821/il_340x270.1092453963_ama4.jpg'
It was either red or blue. I wore the same damn coat every year from toddler age up. HATED IT. You cannot make your 12 year wear the same style clothes they wore when they were 3. It’s cruel.

Second, to see in black and white that amount of self-loathing? At 12? Goddamn that just broke me. I’m suddenly remembering all the pleated front shorts and pants I was put in because I have a butt and things didn’t lay right. How even then I twitted about my body. Things had to be loose, they couldn’t be tight. How miserable shopping was. I never got to chooe what I wanted, it was the style and clothes my mom chose for me.

Third, I uh, have a thing for curly headed brunettes. Mmm hmm. Also, Missy was the sister of a neighbor, my down the street sometimes friend Jenny, and that’s where the name came from. Because everyone got to go by nicknames except me. All I know is wow, when I have a type, I have a type. Oh, also. That whole I can myself kissing boy but can’t see what boy? Well let me explain that really quick. Is there someone I’ve taken an interest in, in this diary more than any other? The reason I can’t see the boy is because her name was Kristie. I had the BIGGEST crush on Kristie. So, uh yeah. Welcome to the great world of puberty in a religion where heteronormative relationships were the only correct ones and anything else would get you shunned from the congregation and your family! GOOD TIMES. So moving forward, there’s a lot of reading between the lines. I had crushes on boys and girls. But you’ll only hear about the boys. But sometimes the girls are easy to figure out.

Also, I stopped writing at that point and picked up later. Don’t worry friends, there’s plenty more ahead.
re: Brainwashed and Jaded
By Sumayah
On Mon Mar 26, 2018 01:18 PM
December "92"

I'm thirteen. I did start my period. I'm not at DLA anymore. I'm doing homeschool. I don't don't dance at Ballet Austin anymore. I'm now at ADA. I'm dancing en pointe. Dad works in Waco now. Mom still has her job at [redacted]. Remember Kristy R? She's getting married. She's only 16. A [my sister] got married. She's AM. I'm in the [ballet] production of Cinderella! My life has really changed.

So long!
re: Brainwashed and Jaded
By Sumayah
On Tue Mar 27, 2018 11:32 AM
August "93"

A few more week and I'll be fourteen. A is pregnant! Mom and Dad are going to GRANDPARENTS! Yes dad still works at [redacted]. Mom and I have moved up to Wacky Waco.

Yeah.

Sweetie Pie's fine. It looks like I'll be dancing at [redacted] School O' Dance. It's O.K. It's not ADA but, what did I expect. Not much!

A will name the Kaitlynn Arianna? or J Christopher? At any rate the first names are right. I wish that I could have summoned enough courage to go and say "Hi" to [???*]. Yes he's the one I've had a crush on all this time. I just never admitted it. *Better scratch the name in case of this being read. At least I wrote it out on paper.

Oh well.

Easy come, easy go, little high, little low, any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me.

I have a real-honest-to-goodness friend at the Hall. There's a startling development! Ages range from ten-to-twenty. Let's see... there's Victoria, Carlianne, Kelly, Tanna, and Krista. Those are just a few. I'd tell me more but I can remember, anyway it's 11:30pm.

Later!
re: Brainwashed and Jaded
By Sumayah
On Wed Mar 28, 2018 10:13 AM
I'm fourteen, I'm fourteen, I am, I'm fourteen. Guess when [???] I know who turns fifteen, Feb 2, "94." I still like him. The others aren't that bad. Nothing's changed since I've turned fourteen. A&T are moving, I get to keep her from lifting anything.

When I have kids, I would name her Melissa Ellen or him Jason Matthew.

Dancing at [redacted] School of Dance. She teaches Cecchetti. Same as [writing is illegible].

Bye!

PS. Had fifth ingrown toe nail surgery. Doctor guaranteed work in writing. Hope it works.

Bye.
re: Brainwashed and Jaded
By Sumayah
On Thu Mar 29, 2018 09:35 AM
"Let me take you down,
'cause I'm going to,
Strawberry fields.
Nothing is real.
And there's nothing to
get hung about,
Strawberry Fields Forever."
re: Brainwashed and Jaded
By Sumayah
On Thu Mar 29, 2018 09:58 AM
March ? 1994 NOT

I HATE MY LIFE
I am so sick and tired of being sick [illegible] I guess I am [illegible] I
(scream!)

I am ticked! I have more or less gotten over my hives. You would think I would be happy. Wrong!! Now I'm on a chicken, rice & apple diet. If I eat another plate of chick, rice and apples I'll scream. Tomorrow I can add one thing to the list. That doesn't stop my hunger for a tuna stuffed tomato.

I've been expressing my feelings to mom, (which she wants me to), but now she is sick of hearing me complain. I woke up this morning not feeling well but I tried to hide that. I'm sick of hiding things. I've spent my whole life hiding my feelings. I can't do that anymore.

I can't have my cat anymore. She's a plus 1. Because of that she can't sleep in my room. I need her to talk to, for her to listen and love me, I need her to sit on lay near me purring. I just need her.

My third grade teacher was right. It does do good to write things down. I feel like my life is being taken away bits at a time. First, moving; took away the house, neighborhood, city. Second, getting sick; hives: took me out of circulation. Third; having the things in my room and the things that I eat. What next?

Actually, I don't hate my life, I'm just not pleased with it. Today I got mom's gift for her anniversary. A silver heart shaped box with a gold bow and her initials inscribed on it. It has a white lining. I got dad a blue & black speckled fountain pen with his name inscribed on it. I know they will both love their gift. I wonder what [illegible]? I feel better now.

Good night!

Love,
Sumayah
re: Brainwashed and Jaded
By Sumayah
On Sun Apr 08, 2018 10:29 PM
[Illegible]

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