Forum: Advice / Secrets PG-13

My Dad Died
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
On Sat Jun 09, 2018 11:25 PM

So, dad died a couple of days ago.

He was old. He had Parkinson's .... and he had a good life before he got old and sick.

The last several years my sibs have not behaved well. The medical professional in the family had his proxy, but did not take him to the doctor for the 3 weeks before he passed although it was clear he had a stroke. It was impossible to do this myself, as all attempts to give him better care than he was getting were met with hostility and nastiness. I set up a great doctor for him and took him several times, but the push back was horrible and since I did not have his proxy, it was counterproductive. When I took him to the doctor, the doctor's orders would be deliberately ignored. Heartbreaking.

Dad was listed on this sib's deed, and with his death, so goes the mortgage. Such luck.

Another of my sibs has been hitting my mom up for money and at last count managed to scam a great deal and still has a "gimme list". China, antiques, family heirlooms. Disgusting.

Another, married 3 times already, lived in a house my mother owned and never paid 17 years....and although rent was supposed to be paid, after a while she gave up and just let it go. Two weeks after signing over the house, sib secretly married the 4th spouse, needing a green card. This was all secret until the deed was done. She felt duped but now is "over it". There were two tenants in this very large house as well, and after driving one out, managed to get mom to sign the house over as well as the rent from the remaining tenant. When dad died, the rent check arrived at mom's house and when she tried to pass it on to "the new owner", it was refused. " keep it." How generous.

The remaining sib is well off and says, "I don't want a dime. I don't need a dime." As the baby, college tuition, cars, big wedding, vacations the rest of us never had, were a given. This is not really about the the baby, Mom felt more attached to this sib. Traveled together for years....and admires the high income lifestyle as it is more similar to a way of life Mom and Dad had once upon a time. Sadly, money is running out and Mom is frightened. I have assured her I would take care of her. My husband is a blue collar worker but we are careful with our money and would never let Mom go to a home. She insists she wants to stay in her very large, high maintenance home, until she dies. She doesn't know I know about how generous she has been with the others. I suspect we (my husband and I) will be "contributing" again soon. Until a year ago, I bought all their groceries but the hideous sibs just emptied the cupboards too often and although the "Baby" is also generous, the nest egg has dwindled since I stopped.

I am the oldest. Their income increased greatly after I married (at 19) and left home so mom has tried to hide many things so I won't think she is being unfair. As I said, I don't want anything from her but for her to be safe and secure.

Well.... there is one thing I did want.... I wanted my Dad to have a funeral mass. We were raised Catholic and although he wasn't, it was a really important part of our life. I spoke to the local priest and he agreed to do it. I told my mom how important it was to me, for many reasons, but in the end, the sib with the new marriage and the sib with the medical proxy who denied Dad medical attention, denied this request, saying, "Dad wouldn't want it." I do. My husband does. Our kids do. Mom doesn't want to get the others mad. It's her call in the end, so, although I am hurt, I will let it go.

Today..... the funeral home posted his obituary. It lists my husband and I, but says we live in a different town than we actually do. Got this wrong too. Our surname is not uncommon, so people who know us won't know this is my Dad, because the address is wrong. It also incorrectly says he is a veteran of a war that started when he was 11 and ended when he was 15. He was a peace time....which is not to diminish his service. But it makes the obituary laughable in its inaccuracy. Need I say, I was totally excluded from this small thing as well?

I don't know how to deal with these hateful sibs. The burial is Tuesday, and they have left me out of everything. Right now, I feel like I don't even want to go. No mass, no time visiting and recalling his life. They were rude and hateful when I went there the day after he died, so I have stayed away the last few days. I call my mom everyday but she is always too busy to talk. No one has called me. I feel so alone.

Would I be a horrible person if I just went to the cemetery and went back home right afterward? We live about 3 hours away and I just don't want any more hurt feelings about being left out and I really don't want to watch one of the sibs take all my dad's guns, another take all his books and things like his chess set and his carpentry tool, as well as some sentimental jewelry. Am I being a big baby over this?

Thanks if anyone is still reading this.....

6 Replies to My Dad Died

re: My Dad Died (karma: 1)
By Sumayah
On Sun Jun 10, 2018 12:48 AM
Honestly? Be there Tuesday for your Mom, say your goodbyes to your Dad at the gravesite, then yeah, if there’s nothing else expected, leave. Everyone grieves differently and you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t in this situation, so you need to make the decision that best for you and your immediate family.

If you’ve made your peace and need to go home and grieve privately, whatever form that is - be it remembering him or crying or being angry at your siblings for their lack of respect or whatever - then do that. If it would give you more peace to stay by your mom for anwhile afterwards, do that. Play it by ear.

Realize that your siblings are going to find fault and judge you no matter what choice you make, so do the one that’s healthiest for you.
re: My Dad Died
By Sumayah
On Mon Jun 11, 2018 09:32 AM
Also, posting late at night I neglected something big I wanted to say. My genuine and sincere condolences for your loss.

I hope as tomorrow approaches, things get easier among your siblings, not more difficult. My thoughts have been with you, check in with us and let us know how you are.
re: My Dad Died
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster
On Fri Jun 22, 2018 06:42 PM

The "service" at the funeral home was generic. The graveside was standard military issue, and when the man in uniform presented my mother with the flag from dad's coffin and said, "Oh behalf of the President of the United States..." I wanted to puke.

The man who is responsible for tearing over two thousand children from the arms of their parents whose only real crime was running for their lives to save their children. I don't want to hear this "illegal" crap. Most of them waited for over a month on the bridge and were told, "we're full...come back tomorrow". When they attempted other means, they were arrested. This is just another let down. My country is a mess, my family is a mess, and with each passing day, so am I.

I am currently plowing through the thank you notes to all who extended sympathy to my mom and hideous sibs, as well as a few friends of mine. You might think those who actually ate the food, and knew these people might help but you would be wrong. They are too important.

So.... that's the update.

Not a word from a single sib except the most nasty of them who actually posted a "Good luck to you and your students at your recital today" on Facebook.

You can't make this stuff up.

Thank you Sumayah for your kind words. I appreciate your thoughts and you taking the time to read and reply.
re: My Dad Died
By CinderEmma
On Sun Oct 21, 2018 07:41 AM
Hi there. I know my reply's a little late, but I was just reading your post and I couldn't help but feel such sadness for your situation. I lost my parents when I was eight in a car crash so I know exactly what it's like to lose a loved one. I would definately stay at your mother's side. As for your siblings; they sound like real bad news. And as for your Dad. I encourage you to visit his burial site as often as you feel it necessary and don't worry about what anybody else thinks about it.
I also believe that if members of your family are in a money crises of some sorts, they can always turn to charities that are supported by public donations (not YOUR donations, but from the donations of OTHER people). One of them, (which I neither support nor go against, but merely heard about) is the United Way Foundation which takes care of people in need when they are in situations where money is limited. If you start to get frightened that you may not have enough money to live off of, I would suggest researching one of these charity foundations like United Way to see which ones are legit and genuinely offer help without expecting anything back in return.
I sincerely hope everything works out better for you in the long run and my heartfelt condolensces for the loss of your father.
re: My Dad Died
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster
On Fri Nov 16, 2018 02:01 AM
Thanks for your reply, Cinder Emma. I just discovered it, and I appreciate your helpful suggestions.

I am so sorry you lost your parents at such a tender age. One of the teachers at my studio also lost her parents when she was young, and although her grandparents were happy and able to raise her, she says she still misses them...and she is every bit of 40....or more.

The upcoming holidays are going to be difficult for my mom...I'm sure...but the situation with the sibs is such that I am not even going to attempt to step in. Four years ago, I left my own children and spent the entire day of Thanksgiving with my dad in the nursing home he was in for rehab. He was abusive and awful to me and one of my sisters took my mother to my nephew's house for the holiday celebration and didn't answer the phone all day. She signed herself up for the "family" dinner at the home with Dad, and didn't extend the offer to any one else...when we got there, she was wiping her mouth and making her right after noon time dinner. When she showed up again after he went to sleep, my husband and I went to a crappy diner and had pancakes, then drove home 3 hours.

The next year, I drove up there and cooked an entire dinner for the same nephew, the same sister, Mom, and a few others. (I was NOT part of this dinner, except for the work and funding....) I then drove home and did the same thing for my own family. It cost a small fortune, and took me a day of cooking at home, a day there, and NO ONE EVEN SAID THANK YOU. In fact...when I was there two weeks later, the sister was nasty because I was there to bring Dad to the doctor and she was mad I was going. She was rude and insulting to me in the waiting room...for a FULL HOUR. When I said, "Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?" She said..."Yes.", and rolled her eyes. No thanks...nothing.....

Last year....I did NOTHING. I stayed home and cooked for my own family, called my mom...only to listen to her say how wonderful it was that stingy sister ordered a meal from a restaurant "AND paid for it herself!".... again.... she makes a ton of $$, didn't do any work, and she ate the meal herself.... the other sister has a big bash for her husband's family every year so she wasn't part of any of this...nor did she contribute. Brother? He went on a CRUISE....

This year, he has announced that his new bride "doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving because Christopher Columbus abused "her people" and it would be too painful for her to sit with mother for Thanksgiving dinner." the Caribbean, Pilgrims.....1621...., Plymouth Rock, Mass.... this is the same idiot who wrote Dad's obituary claiming he fought in a battle in the South Pacific when he was 11..... You can't make this stuff up..... So.... it looks like it's going to be on the nasty sib to pick up a prepared dinner at a restaurant... or maybe the nephew and his wife will rise to the occasion...if my mother pays for it. I have decided to do the mentally healthy thing and stand down again. There is no good way for this to go for me. Needless to say, Mom won't even consider coming here.

It is as if this whole family has been dying for a decade. I am sad, but exhausted. And the drama gets worse every day.

As it turns out, my dear friend lost her husband suddenly a few years ago. She is far too young to be a widow, but won't even consider moving on. She goes to the cemetery often, and it turns out my dad's grave is being prepared for the headstone to be placed. I suppose I will have to make a trip to visit, place a wreath....whatever....and I hope my nasty family isn't there. I didn't believe they could get worse. I kind of thought once Dad died they would rally and stop having something to compete over, but in a way, it is worse.

One wants his vanity license plate....he also wants his car. Another wants the plate, but not the car....but they are all like ants at a picnic....every day my mother's home is stripped of something else. It is so damn depressing...

I wish she would consider selling the house and moving to a nice retirement community...but brother...who wants this house too...has convinced her we are trying to push her into a home. It is just crazy.

I feel guilty about staying away, but when I am there, I want to smack half of them. Stingy sister....who lives just 5 minutes from mom....dispatches me to go buy lunch every time I am, after driving 3 hours to visit...I get sent to get take out....and an hour later...and $40. later.... when I wanted to visit with my mother...sister dearest monopolizes the lunch conversation, then I clean up, and drive home 3 hours. When I bring fresh food to prepare a good meal for Mom...she complains that I spend the whole time in the kitchen. I suggested she should come talk to while I cook and serve, but she says, "No...I'm fine here."

So there you have it. Do I sound bitter? Hateful?

Sorry.... I kinda am.

Thanks for listening, Kids. Y'all are the best!
re: My Dad Died
By Anonymousmember has saluted, click to view salute photos
Original Poster
On Mon Dec 03, 2018 11:47 AM
I think this is evolving into an "Anonymous Diary"... which I have often thought would be a good option here on DDN. It wasn't my initial intention, but here we are.

Second night of of Hanukkah, still have an unmailed card in my bag....hopefully it will reach the intended recipient before next weekend. Christmas season is now underway... in 22 days, it will be over...or at least, the big day will be over. I suspect this will be the hardest day of all for the crazy family. Last year my dad was sitting in his chair, watching the birds at the feeder outside his window, remarking how much he loved the book I gave him for Christmas. We have a nice picture of him and my mom surrounded by children and grandchildren so I suppose that is about as good as memories get. So many people have to face this "long goodbye" for years...failing health, memory, often life dignity, the holidays in limbo. I am grateful we did not have to endure this.

A horrible woman at my dance studio went off on me just a few hours before my dad died. Her 12 year old daughter grew quite a bit after costumes were ordered, so she was unhappy when it didn't fit. While throwing a tantrum at me, I said, "Please give me a moment to collect my thoughts. I just left my dying father so I could be here to fix this problem for you. Just give me a minute to explain the plan" (I had arranged a seamstress to do the alterations with another "spare" costume) She screamed at me, "THIS IS YOUR MISTAKE....and it is not my problem. My time is PRECIOUS.... my husband is only home on the weekends and I have to write all the checks for the bills myself! You don't know anything about me or my life. I WISH I could be with my parents....(they live in Europe) YOU WANT YOUR PARENTS must be HAPPY now....."

Although I know this woman is mean, shallow, selfish, and quite ridiculous, and thus...not worthy of a retort... my answer today is this: "I did NOT want my parents dead, I am sorry my dad died"... but his quality of life was not making him happy. He was in pain, he was discouraged, he was angry. He was not himself. Again, as the holiday season is upon us, I am grateful he never lost his mind, his dignity, or his home and loving family. He was surrounded by those who loved him when he passed on, and I suspect this is the best we can all hope for.

Moving right along.... I wish y'all a joyful season.

Hugs. xoxo

ps.... Correction.... I wish joy to all EXCEPT the horrible 54 year old woman who went nuts on me as my father was dying. I am just that petty. Sorry/not sorry. ;P


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