Forum: Arts / Diaries

So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Sun Sep 09, 2018 10:45 PM

So broke, so, so complacent, so worn out, so worn out, so worn out
So full of doubt, so full of restraint
So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof
That we taught the soul


I’m 39, I’m divorced, and I’m honestly a bit of a mess. I know that starting a new diary doesn’t absolve me of my problems, of my lack, of my ability to whinge on endlessly about my life, but somehow the fresh slate feels right. My birthday was yesterday and it was lovely. Today I was fighting a migraine all day and canceled my movie date with J. But still, even though I haven’t necessarily changed, the clean page just feels good. A new start to my next trip around the sun.

And besides...

If you come down and just breathe, and just breathe in and out
You'll feel a whole lot better
Close your eyes, disappear
If you can't see them, then they can't see you, right
Close your eyes


youtube: youtu.be . . .
Image: www.pinterest.com . . .

11 Replies to So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...

re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Mon Sep 10, 2018 10:07 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2018-09-11 11:48:03 I was +real+ tired last night and spelling so yeah
Hey y'all. So, if you haven't been following along, my coworker of ten months quit last week. This was actually a modicum less stressful as the day she turned in her resignation, she was getting fired. So, instead of there being four of us (the doctor, the office manager, her, and me) we're down to three of us - and my boss is in no hurry to hire again.

Actually, financially, this works out for me as I will be picking up her Tuesday/Thursday hours. That will add a little bit hourly to my paycheck. The super-duper downside? I'm used to having Tuesday/Thursday mornings to sleep in and have those days as recovery mornings. NOT ANYMORE. WELP.

So, I can hear you wondering, how is your millions-of-jobs-trying-to-kill-yourself-by-working-all-the-time-and-still-not-managing-to-pay-your-bills lifestyle panning out? Well let me breakdown my schedule for you:

Monday: Job A
8:30am-1:00pm; 2:00pm-6:00pm
Tuesday: Job A
8:30am-1:00pm
Job B
1:30pm-5:30pm
Job C
7:45pm-9:00pm
Wednesday: Job A
8:30am-1:00pm; 2:00pm-6:00pm
Job C
7:15pm-8:00pm; 8:00pm-9:00pm
Thursday: Job A
8:30am-1:00pm
Job B
1:30pm-5:30pm
Job C
6:45pm-7:45pm
Friday: Job A
8:30am-1:00pm
Job D
(variable hours)
Saturday: Job E
9:15pm-12:00am
Sunday: Job D
(variable hours)

To be real honest, I haven't been doing Job D at all and haven't in months. That's the grocery delivery gig. I was planning on picking it back up Friday and Sunday after my birthday, but I'm not sure now. Maybe just Friday? Just a couple hours? Because the past couple Fridays have been D for Dead Asleep in Bed. The week before I just hit a wall of exhaustion and needed to nap; last week I had a mini emotional melt down and a migraine.

The melt down was... a culmination, an outpouring, an eventuality expressed through tears and angst and hurt. Basically, all the stress that had been building coupled with my anniversary passing, and the bluntness of staring down your own mortality that is a birthday PLUS an awesome low pressure front just created the perfect storm. Some things I had been not saying and sitting on got said, which was good, because communication is actually beneficial, but it unfortunately came about in a detrimental manner. I caught it after it was said. I recognized the pattern of manipulation and self-destructive behaviour after it was out of my mouth. And fortunately the person I was dealing with knows me well and when I back tracked and went, WAIT. NOT LIKE THAT. They went, yeah, okay.

I'm still really, really upset that my therapist was so super blasé about my next appointment.

Hey, so I know my meds have made me not actively suicidal but uh, my pcp did that. And if I'm actively mentioning wanting a sooner appointment than a month out and kinda casually not casually drop a thing about how my anniversary and birthday fall between now and then, maybe... just maybe... check your schedule again? Because I don't know about y'all, but if your patient, who a few months ago, described in detail how she was going to kill herself because her depression was that bad, was all, hey yeah, my wedding anniversary and my birthday fall between now and the next time I see you MAYBE YOU SHOULD INSIST ON GETTING HER IN.

Isn't... isn't that the point of therapy? So that instead of having these episodes with friends where I'm left going, well shit, I didn't mean for that behaviour pattern to come out, that was really, really wrong of me. I'm working on this, I swear. It's something you work through in, you know... therapy?

Because I'm tired of doing that to people. I'm tired of feeling Dr. Jeckle and Ms. Hyde, I'm tired of showing such conflicting presentations of myself. It's just frustrating. The fact that she also hasn't wanted to deal with any of the religious aspect of my past nor anything about my upbringing or relatives is sketchy too. I have things to talk about if she'd only review her notes. I just maybe don't bring it up because it's not right at the forefront of my brain. But a good therapist would do that right?

Anyway, it's well past my bedtime. I'll update y'all on project Oh God Oh God, I'm In So Much Debt Oh God No. Till next time!! <3
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Tue Sep 11, 2018 01:15 PM
So, I have an appointment with my pcp in October to check how my meds are doing. Overall, they're all right, but I think my anti-depressant needs a boost. Given it's also my med that makes my head not hurt 24/7, it's somewhat important.

I can't tell whether it's coincidental or real or what, because of how everything coincided together, but the ever present headache has returned. Here's the problem.

I finally weened completely off the Lexapro.
Stress and drama leading up to my coworker being fired/quitting.
I was pmsing and I'm now on my period.
The weather went from the 100s to the 70s with storm fronts and pressure changes.
I added in Job E and have been training for that.
My anniversary and birthday.
B emailing and trying to reach me by every means he can.
Having almost -$130 in my checking account until yesterday.
Meeting a cute girl and not knowing whether she wants to hang out and be friends or whether she actually likes me.

So you tell me. Is it that my dose isn't high enough or is it one or more of or ALL of the above?

But I'm sort of resigning myself to the fact that my head is just going to hurt. Maybe perpetually. Maybe I'm just going to have a headache all the time no matter what. And that... my head really hurts y'all. Like I've taken pain pills for it for three days - Friday, Sunday, and Monday. My high end don't take these for more than three days running if you value your internal organs pain meds. I've drunk sodas. I want to smash the crown of my head in with a ball-peen hammer. At this point, I can't even put a number to it. Well, let's try.

Image hotlink - 'https://cdn.paindoctor.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/pain-scales.png'
According to this chart, it's presently only a 3 to a 4. Trouble is, I'm so conditioned to go to work with a migraine, just go teach dance with a migraine, just push through my own discomfort and pain that even at my worst, I still just sort of make do. I've been in pain I'd rate as a 10 - vomiting from the pain, tunnel vision, needing the lights off, and if I can go home I will, but if I can't, well, I deal. Because when you can't get a sub, you deal.

But anyway. This is day four of The Headache.

My suture joints feel swollen and bruised. My neck feels tight, and my brain aches. My eyes hurt. They feel tired despite the almost 7 hours of sleep. I also think my body temperature is low, because my skin feels warm to my touch.

Bleh. Anyway. That's me. I just have to get through class tonight. I can do it. Then I'll go home and take my pills and sleep. No TV. Just a shower and bed. Too late for anything besides work today. Lunch is over, time for Job B. Let's go.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Tue Sep 11, 2018 06:36 PM
Okay. Team Financial Bullshit let's go!

So. Who is down for a rousing review of my finances and my poor money skills? Clearly something has to give. Because on paper I should be able to live and afford my bills and yet in reality things go much more pear shaped. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I actually think I need a checkbook. And I need to write down every. single. penny. that goes anywhere. I also think I need Quicken books? Or rather a free program that does the same thing but doesn't cost me money I don't have.

I think I need to get to the point where what my sister and my nephew pay in rent is not money that is necessary. That should be $1000 extra a month that I'm using to pay off my debt. Not money that if I don't have, I'm basically screwed over hardcore.

A friend told me she wouldn't be surprised if I just picked up and moved away for a few years.

I've definitely thought about it.

It's been a fantasy of mine since I was a teenager. Throw a dart at a map of the world and just... GO. Pick up and move.

I just don't know what I'd do. I feel like I have too many responsibilities. What would I do with my house? My sister sure, but she couldn't afford the mortgage. So even if all the bills were changed into her name, the mortgage would be in my name and that $1200 a month I'd have to have covered. So she'd need another roommate. Someone who'd pay at least $500 rent a month. I just... don't trust being a landlord, you know? Especially with everything that went on this year, if I live elsewhere, I mean...

But I'd love to do it.

Take my stuff, a moving van, my car, my cats and go.

Where?

Where would I go?

Not here anymore. Just somewhere totally new. I'd have to find a job. An apartment. Live on my own for a while. It sounds so nice honestly.

I couldn't whinge that I haven't lived my life anymore. At least I would have taken a risk and branched out and done something. My whole life has been so careful. So planned.

That goes back to religion.

I see you blinking your eyes with a sort of blank lack of comprehension.

Right. Again. THIS IS ALSO WHY I'M PISSED AT MY THERAPIST. THIS IS SHIT I WANT TO TALK TO HER ABOUT BUT SHE'S BUSY TAKING CALLS FROM HER VET IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR SESSION AND I UNDERSTAND HOW IMPORTANT SICK ANIMALS ARE BUT FFS I'M PAYING YOU MONEY TO LISTEN TO ME FOR AN HOUR AT LEAST GIVE ME YOUR ATTENTION FOR THAT HOUR. GODDAMN HOW HARD IS IT TO TURN OFF YOU PHONE WHEN YOU'RE IN A SESSION WAY TO MAKE ME FEEL SUPER NOT IMPORTANT I MEAN IT'S NOT LIKE THAT'S SOMETHING I STRUGGLE WITH JESUS.

Religion.

So, anyway, growing up, besides not being allowed to have friends at school because they were "worldly" and you were only supposed to have friends within your religion, you were not encouraged to pursue secular activities and education because God might end the world and then you'd be judged based on how much of your life was spent worshiping and preaching about God and how much was spent being a selfish asshole and if you were a selfish asshole, you'd cease to exist and everyone would forget you ever lived too bad so sad for you.

Picture it. Me. The awkward kid who listened to the type of 80s music that the highschoolers listened to (because of my sister being a decade older). The sad emo 4th grader into The Cure and Depeche Mode before there were sad emo kids. Now. NOW. Segregate her from her classmates and don't allow her to participate in school activities. And while you're at it, through in a health dose of video games and video technology because of her dad's job. So instead of the wanting to go to the mall, or wanting to talk about horses or New Kids on the Block, I was quiet and shy and had finished Super Mario World.

CLEARLY THIS WILL BODE WELL FOR MY SOCIAL LIFE.

Kids at school didn't hang with me because, well, I was the weird kid.

Kids at church didn't hang with me because, well, I was the weird kid.

RIGHT.

So I hung out in the background with the adults. Like you do. Now, what were the adults doing? Being super good Christians and spending all their time being obnoxious and knocking on people's doors and proselytizing. So that's what I ended up having to do.

Ha. And you wonder why my peers thought I was goody-two-shoes.

I hated it. HATED. IT. I always felt like we were disturbing people who were just trying to live their lives. I hated it when people rang my doorbell and tried to sell something to my family. I mean parents at home with babies, men and women working from home being interrupted, day-sleepers, people just stopping in for a quick lunch break and here we were asking if they had found Jesus. No one wants to take a break from their day to be preached to.

But basically, the fact that I even got any college is pretty amazing because education past high school was discouraged. But my plan was to get out of my parents house. I had a list. Get a car. Get a job. Graduate college. Move out. That was it. Those were my goals.

Because those were as high a goals as I was really allowed.

We were supposed to dedicate our lives to worshiping god. We should only work enough to pay our bills. If our bills were too much we needed to downsize and work less. Worship more. WORSHIP MORE.

I got married because B was the only guy who bothered to see through the nice-nice exterior and want to sleep with me. And you had to be married to have sex. And I really just wanted to have sex. And I knew that the guy I really wanted would end up with one of the Pretty Girls. He did. He also killed himself. I don't know what relevance that has, but I fool myself into thinking that maybe he married her because I married B and then it was all too much because whereas I wasn't the Perfect Christian she was and maybe if he had ended up with me... I don't know. But yeah, they got married less than a year after I married B and they were engaged for a hot minute the same way B and I were. I don't know. I don't know. These are all just thoughts in my head that don't have a place and just need to go somewhere. I know it's stupid.

But that's what a diary is for right? Stupid, unreasonable thoughts that don't actually mean anything? Things that just have been bumping around in my brain?

I do wonder if he wouldn't have had the pressure of being the Perfect Christian Husband because I wouldn't have been the Perfect Pretty Christian Wife if things would have been different. If I would have given him the going away card when we were 16. And I'm bad at reading people, I'm really bad at it, and maybe it's just teenage me wishing, but we always seemed to have those moments of catching gazes and he seemed disappointed when I got engaged? I don't know. I don't know I don't know I don't know. It's all speculation. He's long dead. He's why I started listening to Green Day though. His birthday would be in two days. He'd have been 39 in two days. I was exactly five days older.

I don't know. Just bullshit. Anyway, I gotta change clothes and teach class. I'm out.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Wed Sep 12, 2018 03:25 AM
I guess I’m not doing the sleep-thing tonight. Not well, anyway.

Hey Suma, do you have a type?

Funny you should ask.

It would appear I’m really into femme presenting nonbinary folx. Because another of my online crushes is recently out as enby, and they posted some pics on Instagram - a sort of Victorian inspired boudoir shoot, not racy, just a little saucy and extremely beautiful, and oh man. And as is the trouble with all my online crushes, also in a relationship. So, perhaps unavailable slender femme presenting enby folx who play with masculinity? Yup. There we go.

Such a mess.

Why are all the beautiful people online?

Don’t get me wrong, I like J, I’d like to kiss J, but she isn’t quite my type. Not in the instant attraction way I feel for some other folx. But that’s neither here nor there. Especially since I’m still working out whether she wants to kiss me back. (I know, I know, just ask. I’m not there yet. Maybe at some point.)

Ser Pounce-a-lot is on my shoulder purring and he’s making me sleepy. Think I’m going to try to catch these last couple hours before my alarm goes off.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Sep 13, 2018 01:09 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2018-09-13 14:25:23
The Headache™ is still very much present and accounted for. I will say, for what it's worth, it hasn't pushed higher than a 5 or 6? It hangs at about a 4, maybe a 3.

Last night in tap, we were doing Paul Kennedy's warm-up and all the hops just about did me in. I had to stop. I pulled my hair out of it's ponytail and worked my fingers across my scalp, massaging into the suture joints and the pain was just too much. But still, that was the 5 or 6. It was enough to give me pause. But hell, a 5 or 6 used to be my daily normal. It was was my baseline headache everyday for over two months. It might drop to a 4, maybe on a really good day even a 3 or a 2, but it would frequently (weekly or more) climb to a 7, 8, 9, and a few times it was a 10. But I didn't go to the hospital. I took my pain meds and dealt with the intense pain and tried to control the suicidal thoughts because my head hurt so much. So really, a steady 4 isn't that terrible honestly.

This new schedule is rough. For the past two days I've come home from teaching, showered, and just gone to bed. And woken up around 3 or 4 in the morning. So. That sucks. There's no downtime. Just come home and take pills and sleep. I really took advantage of that Tues/Thurs morning to rest and catch up and help make my long days less long. Now my long days are a gauntlet of long days. And I'm exhausted.

Working for Dr. R is the hardest. I need the hours, but working for him was already ten times harder than working for Dr. G. Just mentally harder. Dealing with billing and insurance and just his mental processes. So now that I'm dealing with him after already having worked four and half hours is a bit much. I'm allowed to take a lunch, but I think if I want it to be a true lunch off, I need to eat it not here. I need to go away and eat my lunch.

Today I went and got my food, and came back at 1:30, and right away we had a patient. So I had barely taken a bite of food when I was already being told what needed to be done. My dude. I just freaking got my food. Let me eat. I'm not on the clock yet. Let me have time.

He was also upset because someone came up complaining about a bill and he was late so they were complaining to Dr G. Well. Sorry, you should still be here at noon or 1pm. Not my problem that you were late. Per the new arrangement, I was on break. He was also being petty and childish on Tuesday over a patient and frankly, I should be the one fielding those billing calls. But whatever. He really needs someone strictly dedicated to his practice alone.

Okay, speaking of, it's time to work.

ETA: Guys I'm so tired, I want to cry.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Sep 13, 2018 05:02 PM
I deeply want someone to punch me in the face. Their fist destroying my nose, crushing the nasal bone, splintering fragments inward, collapsing my nasal cavity and grabbing at my brain, my brain stem and ripping it out through my hollowed out face.

My. Head. Hurts.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Sep 13, 2018 07:53 PM
I threw up at the studio. I came home after class and changed clothes and wrapped my arms around my head and lay on my bed. There are mascara stains on my pillow from where I guess I was crying. I’m taking a shower and going to bed. Or hiding in the dark. Something. My vision is off. I can feel a tingling behind my eyes. That’s new. But my vision is distorting like it does when I have a migraine. But I don’t have a migraine. Just the tension headache. It’s like looking through old glasses. Where the prescription is wrong on one eye. And everything is pushed out and wobbly. Like it’s all just further away than the left eye. Like a funhouse mirror.

My head hurts so much.

Y’all. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to pay my bills. I’m going to be I am late on my car payment. I’m waiting for the money to transfer. I have an overdraft loan account that’s maxed out I have to pay on. I have my credit cards that need high minimums mets. I don’t have the money. I had to get out from under negative money. A good $130 of negative money. I just don’t have the money for my midmonth bills and I genuinely don’t know what to do.

My head hurts so much. I want to drive nails into my skull.

How can I do this? How do I do this? I just wish someone would hug me and tell me it’s going to be alright.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Fri Sep 14, 2018 05:34 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2018-09-14 08:52:55
This morning is better. The Headache™ is only a 2 this morning. Maybe even a 1? My tinnitus is crazy high. Apparently I only got 7 hours and 50 minutes of sleep, despite how early I went to bed. I woke up a lot during the night. But I feel more rested today. I'm grateful today is a short day. I think after work, I'm going to come home and nap. I'm scheduled for a massage tomorrow, hopefully that will help as well.

ETA: We're at a solid 4. I cannot wait for today to be over. I want to jam a knife into my head.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Tue Sep 18, 2018 01:55 PM
Dr. G adjusted me. Like adjusted me. She spent some time stretching my neck and having me do strain/counter-strain for my neck so it would stretch more (my neck is so. weak. on the coronal plane) and then she was able to adjust my C2 and whoa. It helped significantly.

I felt good enough (The Headache™ was back to a 2) that I met up with J and went and saw an English 70s pyschothriller, "Symptoms." It had a good jumpscare in it and I did jump. I'm a sucker for a jump scare. It doesn't matter that the music, the suspense, everything is leading up to it and you know it's coming. I jump. And then I laugh at myself for being gullible.

Okay, after fretting about does she friend like me or does she like-me like me, I (having just woke up and not awake enough to consider the consequences of my actions) sent her this text:

Me: Hey awkward question, I terrible at reading folx, and I'm cool with this either way, but are we hanging out as friends or more of a potential hey, it'd be nice to kiss you thing.
Me: I only ask because I'm literally +terrible+ at reading people. And if you're in for being only friends I'm all over that. I genuinely enjoy hanging out with you. If you say I just like being friends, I'm not going to be like, cool knowing you, bye.
Me: However, if you, like me, are an useless gay, and just are like, hey she's cute, but I have no idea how to proceed from here now that we're actually out, then hi, yes, I feel you fellow useless gay.
Me: Basically, I'm just being really wordy and awkward. Which happens. So.... I guess just let me know whether this is a flirty thing or a friend thing. Because I'm happy to know you either way.

I hit send, closed my eyes, and died.

I am dead.

This is my spirit talking to you, I no longer exist in corporeal form.

She responded some hours later:

J: Hey sorry, I've been out of the house all day so I didn't have a chance to respond. I'm new to dating women so that might be why I've been so awkward, but I'm also definitely feeling more of a friends vibe. I hope that is ok because you've been a blast to hang out with.

Friends, let me tell you my heart soared. Leapt. Bounded absolute mountains.

I'm not sure if it was relief of the outcome or the immediate kinship I felt in her statement, maybe both? But I exhaled and smiled and relaxed in my body.

Me: Friends is definitely cool! And we're basically in the same boat honestly. Which is why I'm asking. XD Because I have basically no experience here and am sort of just flailing around going what am I doing? Is this how to be gay right?

J: Haha, pretty much, from what I gather

Me: Image hotlink - 'https://media.giphy.com/media/SRx5tBBrTQOBi/giphy.gif' Actually Me

J: I was never good with men either, but I figured with women it would just sort of click, but no, I'n just as awkward as ever.

Me: Lol. I did the whole married thing , and that worked... not at all. So, I went out with another guy and was like, you know I should embrace the fact that I like girls too and maybe just not with guys.

J: Same, minus the marriage

Me: BE GLAD

J: Lol, I am
J: There is a gay bar up here I've never been to, I think it caters more to men but from what I gather, they all do. If you want to check it out with me, let me know.

Me: Omg yes. Like all my friends are marrieds or into a scene I'm super not. So yes. If you want to go let me know and we can wing(wo)man each other.

J: Sometimes next weekend maybe?

Me: Sure! Just not between 9-midnight on Saturday because work. Afterward is fine.

J: Right! Got it

And so with that friends, by being brave and stupid I have myself a similarly positioned bi-buddy. Someone who is just as novice to this whole thing as I am, and willing to give it a try. Especially now that there's reciprocal moral support of someone experiencing things for the first time too. GO TEAM! 💙💜❤

I got a massage on Saturday and that helped break up a lot of the tension in my neck and head. The therapist spent the whole hour on my upper back, shoulders, neck, and scalp. I was so sore on Monday. I feel measurably better today, but yeah, it was pretty bad. The The Headache™ is a 2 today, sometimes it slips into a 1, but then retreats back up to a 2. But that's infinitely better than Thursday's migraine city.

Okay, my break is up, time to work. I love you guys. Be proud of me, despite having literally no money until next Wednesday, I'm not as stressed as you'd I'd be. I'll just... pay my bills when I have the money to pay them. That's all I can do right?
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Wed Sep 19, 2018 09:09 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2018-09-19 21:36:38
So, when I say I'm super broke I mean it. My credit cards top out at 10K and 5K respectively - both of which are beyond their limits, my car is the $7,827.14 that I owe, the $500 is my maxed out overdraft protection, which is why after depositing my dance paycheck tonight, I'm only -$19.81 and not -137.57 like it was a few hours ago.

I'm going to transfer all my bills and paychecks and everything into the not Capital One account. I have to. Capital One holds onto transactions for a VERY long time. So, transactions I made last week when there was money in my account and it appeared to debit out, didn't actually get debited out? So now I have money bouncing and tons of fees and I kind of want to cry. Because everything SHOULD have gone smoothly. I HAD THE FRIGGING MONEY LAST WEEK AND IT LOOKED LIKE EVERYTHING GOT PAID APPROPRIATELY.

NOPE.

So now I'm shit out of luck and I don't know what to do. I'm so far behind the 8 ball that it's stupid. I'm at the point where I'm down to just not eating as a feasible cost saving method of paying my bills. I scrounged up $1.03 in pennies and dimes and two quarters and bought a banana and an avocado for dinner. I still have pennies left over. Aw yeah. And I did that because I was stupid and didn't make myself a third peanut butter sandwich (with strawberry jelly) for dinner tonight. I forgot about dinner. I remembered breakfast and lunch but forgot about dinner.

I'm exhausted.

I'm doing two jobs at work. The laser job I have been doing and everything it entails and learning everything about the CA job officially. Plus teaching dance until 9pm. Plus doing quiz night and subbing quiz night because I need the extra money dammit. And I still can't catch up.

I feel like I just need a month to get a ahead, so that I can just not have expenses, and then sit down and organize and pay my bills.

I feel like a failure.

I always feel like a failure.

But this. This. B would tell me how I wouldn't be able to do it, how I needed him. And I don't. I've just had a really bad string of events. Things I've had control over and things I haven't. The things I had control over? Well, I'd be more upset but I did get divorced and needed to feel in control over my destiny for a bit. The things I didn't? They were especially damning.

But acknowledging that, I still feel like a failure.

The Headache™ is holding steady at a 4.

I feel like I misnamed this diary. It should have been "The Headache™" with a pithy picture of a woman with a migraine holding her head gingerly. You know the one.
Image hotlink - 'https://thedoctorweighsin.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/The-Enormous-Personal-Social-and-Economic-Cost-of-Headaches.jpg'
To be fair, I believe that is every woman's response to hearing men talk.

Okay, it's 10:30, my meds have kicked in and I need to sleep. G'night.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Sep 20, 2018 03:38 PM
Just. So. Exhausted.

My brain has turned to mush. Just absolutely. The Headache™ is mild today. A 1 or 2.

I just found out today that my friend K in Pittsburgh had a heart attack and is in the hospital. Because I've been so tired, I haven't been keeping up with social media and just missed it. And I feel so bad. She only in her 40's. Her early 40's. But she's been dealing with so much stress... high stress job, moving, aging mother, other family, THIS SHITTY COUNTRY.

I wish I could do something. If I had any money at all I would send her some. She has a $2500 deductible to reach before her insurance starts to pay for anything. She doesn't have that kind of money. Guys, if you're reading this, if you can kick her even a couple dollars, it would mean the world to me. She's someone I've met in real life and she's a genuinely good person.
www.paypal.me . . .

In class, we've now lost 5 of our senior company. Two quit in the spring, but they poisoned the waters. The worst is that one of our graduating seniors just quit. The team felt the blow hard. The director talked with them through her jazz class and then through ballet. After ballet, they came in and gave me hugs and told me how they loved me. Teenagers man. These kids are just hurting and I'm glad they know that I love them so much. And what really sucks is the senior who is quitting is a girl I've taught since she was tiny. I taught her to skip. So yeah. That happened.

J asked if I wanted to go watch the Texas Senate debates at the Drafthouse tomorrow. That should be interesting. Seeing Beto and Cruz debating on the big screen with beer and foods. I'm glad that we're becoming friends, she's pretty rad and it's nice to have someone in my same position to go through the learning curve with.

All right I'm off. Love y'all.

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