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So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Sun Sep 09, 2018 10:45 PM

So broke, so, so complacent, so worn out, so worn out, so worn out
So full of doubt, so full of restraint
So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof
That we taught the soul


I’m 39, I’m divorced, and I’m honestly a bit of a mess. I know that starting a new diary doesn’t absolve me of my problems, of my lack, of my ability to whinge on endlessly about my life, but somehow the fresh slate feels right. My birthday was yesterday and it was lovely. Today I was fighting a migraine all day and canceled my movie date with J. But still, even though I haven’t necessarily changed, the clean page just feels good. A new start to my next trip around the sun.

And besides...

If you come down and just breathe, and just breathe in and out
You'll feel a whole lot better
Close your eyes, disappear
If you can't see them, then they can't see you, right
Close your eyes


youtube: youtu.be . . .
Image: www.pinterest.com . . .

52 Replies to So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...

re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Mon Sep 10, 2018 10:07 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2018-09-11 11:48:03 I was +real+ tired last night and spelling so yeah
Hey y'all. So, if you haven't been following along, my coworker of ten months quit last week. This was actually a modicum less stressful as the day she turned in her resignation, she was getting fired. So, instead of there being four of us (the doctor, the office manager, her, and me) we're down to three of us - and my boss is in no hurry to hire again.

Actually, financially, this works out for me as I will be picking up her Tuesday/Thursday hours. That will add a little bit hourly to my paycheck. The super-duper downside? I'm used to having Tuesday/Thursday mornings to sleep in and have those days as recovery mornings. NOT ANYMORE. WELP.

So, I can hear you wondering, how is your millions-of-jobs-trying-to-kill-yourself-by-working-all-the-time-and-still-not-managing-to-pay-your-bills lifestyle panning out? Well let me breakdown my schedule for you:

Monday: Job A
8:30am-1:00pm; 2:00pm-6:00pm
Tuesday: Job A
8:30am-1:00pm
Job B
1:30pm-5:30pm
Job C
7:45pm-9:00pm
Wednesday: Job A
8:30am-1:00pm; 2:00pm-6:00pm
Job C
7:15pm-8:00pm; 8:00pm-9:00pm
Thursday: Job A
8:30am-1:00pm
Job B
1:30pm-5:30pm
Job C
6:45pm-7:45pm
Friday: Job A
8:30am-1:00pm
Job D
(variable hours)
Saturday: Job E
9:15pm-12:00am
Sunday: Job D
(variable hours)

To be real honest, I haven't been doing Job D at all and haven't in months. That's the grocery delivery gig. I was planning on picking it back up Friday and Sunday after my birthday, but I'm not sure now. Maybe just Friday? Just a couple hours? Because the past couple Fridays have been D for Dead Asleep in Bed. The week before I just hit a wall of exhaustion and needed to nap; last week I had a mini emotional melt down and a migraine.

The melt down was... a culmination, an outpouring, an eventuality expressed through tears and angst and hurt. Basically, all the stress that had been building coupled with my anniversary passing, and the bluntness of staring down your own mortality that is a birthday PLUS an awesome low pressure front just created the perfect storm. Some things I had been not saying and sitting on got said, which was good, because communication is actually beneficial, but it unfortunately came about in a detrimental manner. I caught it after it was said. I recognized the pattern of manipulation and self-destructive behaviour after it was out of my mouth. And fortunately the person I was dealing with knows me well and when I back tracked and went, WAIT. NOT LIKE THAT. They went, yeah, okay.

I'm still really, really upset that my therapist was so super blasé about my next appointment.

Hey, so I know my meds have made me not actively suicidal but uh, my pcp did that. And if I'm actively mentioning wanting a sooner appointment than a month out and kinda casually not casually drop a thing about how my anniversary and birthday fall between now and then, maybe... just maybe... check your schedule again? Because I don't know about y'all, but if your patient, who a few months ago, described in detail how she was going to kill herself because her depression was that bad, was all, hey yeah, my wedding anniversary and my birthday fall between now and the next time I see you MAYBE YOU SHOULD INSIST ON GETTING HER IN.

Isn't... isn't that the point of therapy? So that instead of having these episodes with friends where I'm left going, well shit, I didn't mean for that behaviour pattern to come out, that was really, really wrong of me. I'm working on this, I swear. It's something you work through in, you know... therapy?

Because I'm tired of doing that to people. I'm tired of feeling Dr. Jeckle and Ms. Hyde, I'm tired of showing such conflicting presentations of myself. It's just frustrating. The fact that she also hasn't wanted to deal with any of the religious aspect of my past nor anything about my upbringing or relatives is sketchy too. I have things to talk about if she'd only review her notes. I just maybe don't bring it up because it's not right at the forefront of my brain. But a good therapist would do that right?

Anyway, it's well past my bedtime. I'll update y'all on project Oh God Oh God, I'm In So Much Debt Oh God No. Till next time!! <3
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Tue Sep 11, 2018 01:15 PM
So, I have an appointment with my pcp in October to check how my meds are doing. Overall, they're all right, but I think my anti-depressant needs a boost. Given it's also my med that makes my head not hurt 24/7, it's somewhat important.

I can't tell whether it's coincidental or real or what, because of how everything coincided together, but the ever present headache has returned. Here's the problem.

I finally weened completely off the Lexapro.
Stress and drama leading up to my coworker being fired/quitting.
I was pmsing and I'm now on my period.
The weather went from the 100s to the 70s with storm fronts and pressure changes.
I added in Job E and have been training for that.
My anniversary and birthday.
B emailing and trying to reach me by every means he can.
Having almost -$130 in my checking account until yesterday.
Meeting a cute girl and not knowing whether she wants to hang out and be friends or whether she actually likes me.

So you tell me. Is it that my dose isn't high enough or is it one or more of or ALL of the above?

But I'm sort of resigning myself to the fact that my head is just going to hurt. Maybe perpetually. Maybe I'm just going to have a headache all the time no matter what. And that... my head really hurts y'all. Like I've taken pain pills for it for three days - Friday, Sunday, and Monday. My high end don't take these for more than three days running if you value your internal organs pain meds. I've drunk sodas. I want to smash the crown of my head in with a ball-peen hammer. At this point, I can't even put a number to it. Well, let's try.

Image hotlink - 'https://cdn.paindoctor.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/pain-scales.png'
According to this chart, it's presently only a 3 to a 4. Trouble is, I'm so conditioned to go to work with a migraine, just go teach dance with a migraine, just push through my own discomfort and pain that even at my worst, I still just sort of make do. I've been in pain I'd rate as a 10 - vomiting from the pain, tunnel vision, needing the lights off, and if I can go home I will, but if I can't, well, I deal. Because when you can't get a sub, you deal.

But anyway. This is day four of The Headache.

My suture joints feel swollen and bruised. My neck feels tight, and my brain aches. My eyes hurt. They feel tired despite the almost 7 hours of sleep. I also think my body temperature is low, because my skin feels warm to my touch.

Bleh. Anyway. That's me. I just have to get through class tonight. I can do it. Then I'll go home and take my pills and sleep. No TV. Just a shower and bed. Too late for anything besides work today. Lunch is over, time for Job B. Let's go.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Tue Sep 11, 2018 06:36 PM
Okay. Team Financial Bullshit let's go!

So. Who is down for a rousing review of my finances and my poor money skills? Clearly something has to give. Because on paper I should be able to live and afford my bills and yet in reality things go much more pear shaped. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I actually think I need a checkbook. And I need to write down every. single. penny. that goes anywhere. I also think I need Quicken books? Or rather a free program that does the same thing but doesn't cost me money I don't have.

I think I need to get to the point where what my sister and my nephew pay in rent is not money that is necessary. That should be $1000 extra a month that I'm using to pay off my debt. Not money that if I don't have, I'm basically screwed over hardcore.

A friend told me she wouldn't be surprised if I just picked up and moved away for a few years.

I've definitely thought about it.

It's been a fantasy of mine since I was a teenager. Throw a dart at a map of the world and just... GO. Pick up and move.

I just don't know what I'd do. I feel like I have too many responsibilities. What would I do with my house? My sister sure, but she couldn't afford the mortgage. So even if all the bills were changed into her name, the mortgage would be in my name and that $1200 a month I'd have to have covered. So she'd need another roommate. Someone who'd pay at least $500 rent a month. I just... don't trust being a landlord, you know? Especially with everything that went on this year, if I live elsewhere, I mean...

But I'd love to do it.

Take my stuff, a moving van, my car, my cats and go.

Where?

Where would I go?

Not here anymore. Just somewhere totally new. I'd have to find a job. An apartment. Live on my own for a while. It sounds so nice honestly.

I couldn't whinge that I haven't lived my life anymore. At least I would have taken a risk and branched out and done something. My whole life has been so careful. So planned.

That goes back to religion.

I see you blinking your eyes with a sort of blank lack of comprehension.

Right. Again. THIS IS ALSO WHY I'M PISSED AT MY THERAPIST. THIS IS SHIT I WANT TO TALK TO HER ABOUT BUT SHE'S BUSY TAKING CALLS FROM HER VET IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR SESSION AND I UNDERSTAND HOW IMPORTANT SICK ANIMALS ARE BUT FFS I'M PAYING YOU MONEY TO LISTEN TO ME FOR AN HOUR AT LEAST GIVE ME YOUR ATTENTION FOR THAT HOUR. GODDAMN HOW HARD IS IT TO TURN OFF YOU PHONE WHEN YOU'RE IN A SESSION WAY TO MAKE ME FEEL SUPER NOT IMPORTANT I MEAN IT'S NOT LIKE THAT'S SOMETHING I STRUGGLE WITH JESUS.

Religion.

So, anyway, growing up, besides not being allowed to have friends at school because they were "worldly" and you were only supposed to have friends within your religion, you were not encouraged to pursue secular activities and education because God might end the world and then you'd be judged based on how much of your life was spent worshiping and preaching about God and how much was spent being a selfish asshole and if you were a selfish asshole, you'd cease to exist and everyone would forget you ever lived too bad so sad for you.

Picture it. Me. The awkward kid who listened to the type of 80s music that the highschoolers listened to (because of my sister being a decade older). The sad emo 4th grader into The Cure and Depeche Mode before there were sad emo kids. Now. NOW. Segregate her from her classmates and don't allow her to participate in school activities. And while you're at it, through in a health dose of video games and video technology because of her dad's job. So instead of the wanting to go to the mall, or wanting to talk about horses or New Kids on the Block, I was quiet and shy and had finished Super Mario World.

CLEARLY THIS WILL BODE WELL FOR MY SOCIAL LIFE.

Kids at school didn't hang with me because, well, I was the weird kid.

Kids at church didn't hang with me because, well, I was the weird kid.

RIGHT.

So I hung out in the background with the adults. Like you do. Now, what were the adults doing? Being super good Christians and spending all their time being obnoxious and knocking on people's doors and proselytizing. So that's what I ended up having to do.

Ha. And you wonder why my peers thought I was goody-two-shoes.

I hated it. HATED. IT. I always felt like we were disturbing people who were just trying to live their lives. I hated it when people rang my doorbell and tried to sell something to my family. I mean parents at home with babies, men and women working from home being interrupted, day-sleepers, people just stopping in for a quick lunch break and here we were asking if they had found Jesus. No one wants to take a break from their day to be preached to.

But basically, the fact that I even got any college is pretty amazing because education past high school was discouraged. But my plan was to get out of my parents house. I had a list. Get a car. Get a job. Graduate college. Move out. That was it. Those were my goals.

Because those were as high a goals as I was really allowed.

We were supposed to dedicate our lives to worshiping god. We should only work enough to pay our bills. If our bills were too much we needed to downsize and work less. Worship more. WORSHIP MORE.

I got married because B was the only guy who bothered to see through the nice-nice exterior and want to sleep with me. And you had to be married to have sex. And I really just wanted to have sex. And I knew that the guy I really wanted would end up with one of the Pretty Girls. He did. He also killed himself. I don't know what relevance that has, but I fool myself into thinking that maybe he married her because I married B and then it was all too much because whereas I wasn't the Perfect Christian she was and maybe if he had ended up with me... I don't know. But yeah, they got married less than a year after I married B and they were engaged for a hot minute the same way B and I were. I don't know. I don't know. These are all just thoughts in my head that don't have a place and just need to go somewhere. I know it's stupid.

But that's what a diary is for right? Stupid, unreasonable thoughts that don't actually mean anything? Things that just have been bumping around in my brain?

I do wonder if he wouldn't have had the pressure of being the Perfect Christian Husband because I wouldn't have been the Perfect Pretty Christian Wife if things would have been different. If I would have given him the going away card when we were 16. And I'm bad at reading people, I'm really bad at it, and maybe it's just teenage me wishing, but we always seemed to have those moments of catching gazes and he seemed disappointed when I got engaged? I don't know. I don't know I don't know I don't know. It's all speculation. He's long dead. He's why I started listening to Green Day though. His birthday would be in two days. He'd have been 39 in two days. I was exactly five days older.

I don't know. Just bullshit. Anyway, I gotta change clothes and teach class. I'm out.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Wed Sep 12, 2018 03:25 AM
I guess I’m not doing the sleep-thing tonight. Not well, anyway.

Hey Suma, do you have a type?

Funny you should ask.

It would appear I’m really into femme presenting nonbinary folx. Because another of my online crushes is recently out as enby, and they posted some pics on Instagram - a sort of Victorian inspired boudoir shoot, not racy, just a little saucy and extremely beautiful, and oh man. And as is the trouble with all my online crushes, also in a relationship. So, perhaps unavailable slender femme presenting enby folx who play with masculinity? Yup. There we go.

Such a mess.

Why are all the beautiful people online?

Don’t get me wrong, I like J, I’d like to kiss J, but she isn’t quite my type. Not in the instant attraction way I feel for some other folx. But that’s neither here nor there. Especially since I’m still working out whether she wants to kiss me back. (I know, I know, just ask. I’m not there yet. Maybe at some point.)

Ser Pounce-a-lot is on my shoulder purring and he’s making me sleepy. Think I’m going to try to catch these last couple hours before my alarm goes off.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Sep 13, 2018 01:09 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2018-09-13 14:25:23
The Headache™ is still very much present and accounted for. I will say, for what it's worth, it hasn't pushed higher than a 5 or 6? It hangs at about a 4, maybe a 3.

Last night in tap, we were doing Paul Kennedy's warm-up and all the hops just about did me in. I had to stop. I pulled my hair out of it's ponytail and worked my fingers across my scalp, massaging into the suture joints and the pain was just too much. But still, that was the 5 or 6. It was enough to give me pause. But hell, a 5 or 6 used to be my daily normal. It was was my baseline headache everyday for over two months. It might drop to a 4, maybe on a really good day even a 3 or a 2, but it would frequently (weekly or more) climb to a 7, 8, 9, and a few times it was a 10. But I didn't go to the hospital. I took my pain meds and dealt with the intense pain and tried to control the suicidal thoughts because my head hurt so much. So really, a steady 4 isn't that terrible honestly.

This new schedule is rough. For the past two days I've come home from teaching, showered, and just gone to bed. And woken up around 3 or 4 in the morning. So. That sucks. There's no downtime. Just come home and take pills and sleep. I really took advantage of that Tues/Thurs morning to rest and catch up and help make my long days less long. Now my long days are a gauntlet of long days. And I'm exhausted.

Working for Dr. R is the hardest. I need the hours, but working for him was already ten times harder than working for Dr. G. Just mentally harder. Dealing with billing and insurance and just his mental processes. So now that I'm dealing with him after already having worked four and half hours is a bit much. I'm allowed to take a lunch, but I think if I want it to be a true lunch off, I need to eat it not here. I need to go away and eat my lunch.

Today I went and got my food, and came back at 1:30, and right away we had a patient. So I had barely taken a bite of food when I was already being told what needed to be done. My dude. I just freaking got my food. Let me eat. I'm not on the clock yet. Let me have time.

He was also upset because someone came up complaining about a bill and he was late so they were complaining to Dr G. Well. Sorry, you should still be here at noon or 1pm. Not my problem that you were late. Per the new arrangement, I was on break. He was also being petty and childish on Tuesday over a patient and frankly, I should be the one fielding those billing calls. But whatever. He really needs someone strictly dedicated to his practice alone.

Okay, speaking of, it's time to work.

ETA: Guys I'm so tired, I want to cry.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Sep 13, 2018 05:02 PM
I deeply want someone to punch me in the face. Their fist destroying my nose, crushing the nasal bone, splintering fragments inward, collapsing my nasal cavity and grabbing at my brain, my brain stem and ripping it out through my hollowed out face.

My. Head. Hurts.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Sep 13, 2018 07:53 PM
I threw up at the studio. I came home after class and changed clothes and wrapped my arms around my head and lay on my bed. There are mascara stains on my pillow from where I guess I was crying. I’m taking a shower and going to bed. Or hiding in the dark. Something. My vision is off. I can feel a tingling behind my eyes. That’s new. But my vision is distorting like it does when I have a migraine. But I don’t have a migraine. Just the tension headache. It’s like looking through old glasses. Where the prescription is wrong on one eye. And everything is pushed out and wobbly. Like it’s all just further away than the left eye. Like a funhouse mirror.

My head hurts so much.

Y’all. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to pay my bills. I’m going to be I am late on my car payment. I’m waiting for the money to transfer. I have an overdraft loan account that’s maxed out I have to pay on. I have my credit cards that need high minimums mets. I don’t have the money. I had to get out from under negative money. A good $130 of negative money. I just don’t have the money for my midmonth bills and I genuinely don’t know what to do.

My head hurts so much. I want to drive nails into my skull.

How can I do this? How do I do this? I just wish someone would hug me and tell me it’s going to be alright.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Fri Sep 14, 2018 05:34 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2018-09-14 08:52:55
This morning is better. The Headache™ is only a 2 this morning. Maybe even a 1? My tinnitus is crazy high. Apparently I only got 7 hours and 50 minutes of sleep, despite how early I went to bed. I woke up a lot during the night. But I feel more rested today. I'm grateful today is a short day. I think after work, I'm going to come home and nap. I'm scheduled for a massage tomorrow, hopefully that will help as well.

ETA: We're at a solid 4. I cannot wait for today to be over. I want to jam a knife into my head.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Tue Sep 18, 2018 01:55 PM
Dr. G adjusted me. Like adjusted me. She spent some time stretching my neck and having me do strain/counter-strain for my neck so it would stretch more (my neck is so. weak. on the coronal plane) and then she was able to adjust my C2 and whoa. It helped significantly.

I felt good enough (The Headache™ was back to a 2) that I met up with J and went and saw an English 70s pyschothriller, "Symptoms." It had a good jumpscare in it and I did jump. I'm a sucker for a jump scare. It doesn't matter that the music, the suspense, everything is leading up to it and you know it's coming. I jump. And then I laugh at myself for being gullible.

Okay, after fretting about does she friend like me or does she like-me like me, I (having just woke up and not awake enough to consider the consequences of my actions) sent her this text:

Me: Hey awkward question, I terrible at reading folx, and I'm cool with this either way, but are we hanging out as friends or more of a potential hey, it'd be nice to kiss you thing.
Me: I only ask because I'm literally +terrible+ at reading people. And if you're in for being only friends I'm all over that. I genuinely enjoy hanging out with you. If you say I just like being friends, I'm not going to be like, cool knowing you, bye.
Me: However, if you, like me, are an useless gay, and just are like, hey she's cute, but I have no idea how to proceed from here now that we're actually out, then hi, yes, I feel you fellow useless gay.
Me: Basically, I'm just being really wordy and awkward. Which happens. So.... I guess just let me know whether this is a flirty thing or a friend thing. Because I'm happy to know you either way.

I hit send, closed my eyes, and died.

I am dead.

This is my spirit talking to you, I no longer exist in corporeal form.

She responded some hours later:

J: Hey sorry, I've been out of the house all day so I didn't have a chance to respond. I'm new to dating women so that might be why I've been so awkward, but I'm also definitely feeling more of a friends vibe. I hope that is ok because you've been a blast to hang out with.

Friends, let me tell you my heart soared. Leapt. Bounded absolute mountains.

I'm not sure if it was relief of the outcome or the immediate kinship I felt in her statement, maybe both? But I exhaled and smiled and relaxed in my body.

Me: Friends is definitely cool! And we're basically in the same boat honestly. Which is why I'm asking. XD Because I have basically no experience here and am sort of just flailing around going what am I doing? Is this how to be gay right?

J: Haha, pretty much, from what I gather

Me: Image hotlink - 'https://media.giphy.com/media/SRx5tBBrTQOBi/giphy.gif' Actually Me

J: I was never good with men either, but I figured with women it would just sort of click, but no, I'n just as awkward as ever.

Me: Lol. I did the whole married thing , and that worked... not at all. So, I went out with another guy and was like, you know I should embrace the fact that I like girls too and maybe just not with guys.

J: Same, minus the marriage

Me: BE GLAD

J: Lol, I am
J: There is a gay bar up here I've never been to, I think it caters more to men but from what I gather, they all do. If you want to check it out with me, let me know.

Me: Omg yes. Like all my friends are marrieds or into a scene I'm super not. So yes. If you want to go let me know and we can wing(wo)man each other.

J: Sometimes next weekend maybe?

Me: Sure! Just not between 9-midnight on Saturday because work. Afterward is fine.

J: Right! Got it

And so with that friends, by being brave and stupid I have myself a similarly positioned bi-buddy. Someone who is just as novice to this whole thing as I am, and willing to give it a try. Especially now that there's reciprocal moral support of someone experiencing things for the first time too. GO TEAM! 💙💜❤

I got a massage on Saturday and that helped break up a lot of the tension in my neck and head. The therapist spent the whole hour on my upper back, shoulders, neck, and scalp. I was so sore on Monday. I feel measurably better today, but yeah, it was pretty bad. The The Headache™ is a 2 today, sometimes it slips into a 1, but then retreats back up to a 2. But that's infinitely better than Thursday's migraine city.

Okay, my break is up, time to work. I love you guys. Be proud of me, despite having literally no money until next Wednesday, I'm not as stressed as you'd I'd be. I'll just... pay my bills when I have the money to pay them. That's all I can do right?
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Wed Sep 19, 2018 09:09 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2018-09-19 21:36:38
So, when I say I'm super broke I mean it. My credit cards top out at 10K and 5K respectively - both of which are beyond their limits, my car is the $7,827.14 that I owe, the $500 is my maxed out overdraft protection, which is why after depositing my dance paycheck tonight, I'm only -$19.81 and not -137.57 like it was a few hours ago.

I'm going to transfer all my bills and paychecks and everything into the not Capital One account. I have to. Capital One holds onto transactions for a VERY long time. So, transactions I made last week when there was money in my account and it appeared to debit out, didn't actually get debited out? So now I have money bouncing and tons of fees and I kind of want to cry. Because everything SHOULD have gone smoothly. I HAD THE FRIGGING MONEY LAST WEEK AND IT LOOKED LIKE EVERYTHING GOT PAID APPROPRIATELY.

NOPE.

So now I'm shit out of luck and I don't know what to do. I'm so far behind the 8 ball that it's stupid. I'm at the point where I'm down to just not eating as a feasible cost saving method of paying my bills. I scrounged up $1.03 in pennies and dimes and two quarters and bought a banana and an avocado for dinner. I still have pennies left over. Aw yeah. And I did that because I was stupid and didn't make myself a third peanut butter sandwich (with strawberry jelly) for dinner tonight. I forgot about dinner. I remembered breakfast and lunch but forgot about dinner.

I'm exhausted.

I'm doing two jobs at work. The laser job I have been doing and everything it entails and learning everything about the CA job officially. Plus teaching dance until 9pm. Plus doing quiz night and subbing quiz night because I need the extra money dammit. And I still can't catch up.

I feel like I just need a month to get a ahead, so that I can just not have expenses, and then sit down and organize and pay my bills.

I feel like a failure.

I always feel like a failure.

But this. This. B would tell me how I wouldn't be able to do it, how I needed him. And I don't. I've just had a really bad string of events. Things I've had control over and things I haven't. The things I had control over? Well, I'd be more upset but I did get divorced and needed to feel in control over my destiny for a bit. The things I didn't? They were especially damning.

But acknowledging that, I still feel like a failure.

The Headache™ is holding steady at a 4.

I feel like I misnamed this diary. It should have been "The Headache™" with a pithy picture of a woman with a migraine holding her head gingerly. You know the one.
Image hotlink - 'https://thedoctorweighsin.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/The-Enormous-Personal-Social-and-Economic-Cost-of-Headaches.jpg'
To be fair, I believe that is every woman's response to hearing men talk.

Okay, it's 10:30, my meds have kicked in and I need to sleep. G'night.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Sep 20, 2018 03:38 PM
Just. So. Exhausted.

My brain has turned to mush. Just absolutely. The Headache™ is mild today. A 1 or 2.

I just found out today that my friend K in Pittsburgh had a heart attack and is in the hospital. Because I've been so tired, I haven't been keeping up with social media and just missed it. And I feel so bad. She only in her 40's. Her early 40's. But she's been dealing with so much stress... high stress job, moving, aging mother, other family, THIS SHITTY COUNTRY.

I wish I could do something. If I had any money at all I would send her some. She has a $2500 deductible to reach before her insurance starts to pay for anything. She doesn't have that kind of money. Guys, if you're reading this, if you can kick her even a couple dollars, it would mean the world to me. She's someone I've met in real life and she's a genuinely good person.
www.paypal.me . . .

In class, we've now lost 5 of our senior company. Two quit in the spring, but they poisoned the waters. The worst is that one of our graduating seniors just quit. The team felt the blow hard. The director talked with them through her jazz class and then through ballet. After ballet, they came in and gave me hugs and told me how they loved me. Teenagers man. These kids are just hurting and I'm glad they know that I love them so much. And what really sucks is the senior who is quitting is a girl I've taught since she was tiny. I taught her to skip. So yeah. That happened.

J asked if I wanted to go watch the Texas Senate debates at the Drafthouse tomorrow. That should be interesting. Seeing Beto and Cruz debating on the big screen with beer and foods. I'm glad that we're becoming friends, she's pretty rad and it's nice to have someone in my same position to go through the learning curve with.

All right I'm off. Love y'all.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Sun Sep 23, 2018 03:31 AM
I went with j to a gay bar tonight. My last whisky caught up with me at home and I’m drunk. No one flirted with me. I did get a free drinkf though from a nice gay guy who I kissed on the cheek. Me and J, we’re a lot alike.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Mon Sep 24, 2018 01:32 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2018-09-24 16:39:05 oh noes a broken link!
Steady 3-4 on The Headache™ front. Not that y'all asked. But this has been your regular The Headache™ update.
Image hotlink - 'https://media.giphy.com/media/6UTq0Y6ZqkAHC/giphy.gif'

Okay, so the stuff you want to know about. Wait. Sumayah, you went to a gay bar!? First off, aren't you broke?

Yes. Very.

I found a gift card hidden away that let me get gas and pay my $5 tip at quiz to my waitress. SM also loaned me $30 so I could go be gay and have fun because bless her. It basically netted me $10ish because of the overdraft and that went to drinks so... but more on that in a minute. She'll get paid back when I get paid on Wednesday. I still owe my other friend $300, and I'm going to bring that down to $200 at the end of the month and hopefully have her paid off by the end of November. But meanwhile I'm eating ramen and popcorn and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Just two more days and I can go about making things right.

Okay. So. At quiz, I ate and had my normal 2 beers. With food and over a three hour period, I metabolize that fine. Also, food and drinks for a $5 tip is a pretty sweet deal. Then I met J at the club. They were finishing up a birthday drag show celebration with some wanna be performers who clearly were either already too drunk to put on a good show or the idea of doing a drag show sounded better than the actual execution went. They did not sashay nor did they shantay. They lip-synced and sort of shimmied a little and pranced a bit, but nothing that got you particularly interested. The wigs were on point though, even if some of their outfits and make-up were a little less one hundred percent than a drag queen would actually go.

We ordered drinks and found chairs and just sort of people watched. It was mostly dudes. Which was fine. The flirting was adorable and made my heartstrings happy. At one point, before last call, I went to get another drink, and I politely asked to get closer in to the bar, thanking the guy who was there and smiling at him. I don't know if he was just surprised at my politeness of what but he asked what I was drinking - whiskey, a double, on the rocks - to his great surprise - well at that, because it's nearly 2am and who needs high end whiskey at nearly 2am? And he offered to buy my drink. Which I absolutely accepted because free drink hell yes. So I thanked him and kissed his cheek.

A cute Latinx girl got J out on the dance floor. J... doesn't dance. She's stiff and ungainly. But I coaxed her into dancing anyway because literally this girl was DRUNK. I guarantee she won't remember a thing. XD And it was good for J to go dance and break out of her quiet shell a little. Believe it or not, I'm the outgoing one.

I was telling J that after everything, (I've only hinted at shitty backstory, she hasn't heard the full thing), that I've come around to the point where I can be more assertive and semi-outgoing. That I've been the quiet and introspective one my whole life and now, I'm just done caring.

Me: Absolutely. We should do it again. It was a fun time. Actually, the most fun I've had in a long while.
Me: I love people watching and filled that need to people watch and live vicariously through others. >.>

J: Oh really? I was worried I was being a downer. I tend to withdraw and get pensive when drinking, especially in a bar, rather than loosen up and have fun.

Me: Oh no. Not at all. You seemed rather... you?

J: Quiet and introspective?

Me: Little bit ;)
Me: But there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

J: Well so long as it was just a little bit.... lol

Me: That +was+ me. I've only VERY recently been more assertive and semi-outgoing.

J: Would never have known, you are magnetic

Me: Ha, I have a hard time believing that.
Me: am the stage left person, not the onstage person. Background, not center stage. But I've been forced into a more vocal role.
Me: So, I've adapted.
Me: And I stopped giving a shit.

J: Nah, you got this.

So, huh. I don't think I've been called magnetic before. We also went to hear the Texas Senate Debate on Friday and that was entertaining. A roomful of Beto supporters. Come ON Texas. Let's DO this. We can go blue. We CAN go blue. We can GO blue!

Cruz is such a sycophant. He's disgusting. He panders to Trump likes he practically licks his butthole on a regular basis. Hell, he probably does. Nah, that gives him too much credit, if he did that, maybe some of the things he's proposed in bills over and over may have gotten passed. He's just simpering and spineless. Disgusting. Such slimy human being.

But I plan to get out a vote first change I get. Absolutely. Beto and the Dems all the way.

In better news, I took a bunch of selfies over the weekend and actually feel pretty good about them. I sent a bunch to SM, a bunch drunk because I tend to be more candid, but they were actually pretty good. I'd post them here, but unless you follow me on twitter you don't get to see them. But my make-up looked hot, even my end of night, drunk out of my mind make-up was holding its own.

All right y'all I'm back to work. Love y'all!
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Mon Sep 24, 2018 09:39 PM
I deleted the selfies I had posted on Twitter. I know it’s stupid. I know my self-esteem shouldn’t be tied to what other people think of me. But isn’t the whole point of posting a selfie to get compliments? Or at least likes?

More often than not, I post selfies not because I feel pretty or good about myself. I don’t post selfies because I feel particularly vain. I post them because I have trouble reconciling what I see in the mirror, the reflection I catch back in the window, the image in a picture with who I am. I take and post selfies usually because I don’t really care and I’m just trying to reconcile with myself that day who I am supposed to be.

Today? I felt pretty. I looked back at my pictures, at the pics I sent to SM over the weekend, and I thought I looked pretty. So I posted them. One friend, they not only liked my post but commented, and another just liked it. Five othet people bothered to open the tweet and didn’t do anything. So. There’s that. I guess I wasn’t as pretty as I thought. And it crossed the feed of over 100 people who didn’t interact with it at all.

So.

It’s the same as when I do any of those 1 like/1 answer quizzes. I never make it out of single digits. I actually feel really... disheartened? doing them because everyone else gets tons of feedback and I get nothing. Like, maybe I should just answer all the questions without waiting for the likes, because why put myself through that?

So yeah.

I did eat some ramen and rice for dinner. So I’m going to bed with a full stomach. Oh and I got a dollar an hour raise. I now make $17 an hour at work. That’s pretty huge. That means my take home will be ~$2000 a month and not ~$1800 if I’m lucky. It will help.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Wed Sep 26, 2018 09:33 PM
I thought I forgot to take my meds this morning.

With the exception of an incoherent message left on the phone, I spent my 30 minute drive from work to the studio sobbing. And the message was incoherent because I was trying not to cry throughout.

This time last year.

This time last year I was steeling myself to make the decision to divorce B.

I was excited and getting ready for trip to visit SM and Naoise. And I would see the day to day of a relationship where both partners genuinely cared about each other. It would absolutely crush me and leave me feeling hollow and the most alone I had ever felt in my life despite being surrounded by friends. I would feel the absolute most unwanted and unloved. All because it would hit me that the kindness, the small loving gestures, the affection of two people who had been together for years and were not newly in love, but comfortable and easy together were things in my relationship that I had never, ever experienced. The tidal wave of reality that hit me, the actuality of just how messed up my relationship with B was just about swallowed me whole.

And thinking back, it hurts so much even now.

When I got home that trip, I never wanted to leave, I was so afraid to come home - to face him, all the vitriol that played out. My asking for a divorce that very night. All because he was put out because he had to pick me up from the airport. It inconvienced him. But I had already been speaking to lawyers. I already knew what I wanted to do. I just had to be brave enough to do it. That night made it easy for me.

I don’t regret the divorce. I regret not doing it sooner. I regret that I stayed blind for so long. And mostly, I regret all the ways I’ve screwed up in the year since.

I feel like I am a perpetual screw up.

I can’t keep my finances in control. I can’t keep my emotions in control. I can’t keep my bills in control. I can’t keep my spending in control. I can’t keep my headaches in control. I can’t keep my relationships in control. I can’t keep my jobs in control.

I feel like I’m just in a constant state of exhaustion and failure.

Like... I’ve been playing it all cool but... J had a girl hit on her at the bar. No one hit on me. What’s wrong with me? I know it was just one time and all but it’s like being in my 20s again. No one wants me. No one ever does.

Good thing I like cats since I’m destined to be a single, old cat lady.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Sep 27, 2018 03:29 PM
The Headache™ is a solid 6, maybe a 7. But what's weird? It's not that my head hurts, it does, a little, the actual pain is maybe a 1 or a 2, but the effects of the headache are a 6. Like my head hurts, except that it's not a headache, but it is a headache, but maybe it's a migraine, except it's not a migraine.

But my vision is OFF. I cannot focus my eyes to save my life right now. I have my brows furrowed, blocking the light. My tinnitus is SO. LOUD. All I head is static and everything else sound either too loud or underwater and too far away. My body temperature is low, so I feel feverish. My skin feels warm to my touch, but I'm cold, freezing cold. My hands shake. Just a tremble. When I try to be still I just tremble almost imperceptibly. My breathing is too shallow. I realize I'm holding my breath, I haven't breathed and I slowly take a small breath and then I don't breath again until I think to breath. My heart feels like it is beating fast. The bones in my faces hurt, or then the top of my head will hurt. Right now my right cheekbone hurts.

Guys. I can't do this. I can't keep switching gears like this. Not just going from chiropractic to podiatry with maybe 30 minutes downtime, but going changing paces. Dr. R requires ten times more of my mental faculties that Dr. G does. It's the insurance, the fact that I'm doing so many different jobs for him - I'm front office (making appointments, checking patients in and out, taking copays), back office (calling insurance, entering insurance claims, entering insurance payments, entering patient payments, adjusting accounts, etc), and being his medical assistant (mostly watching procedures, spraying alcohol on stuff, or freezing spray, or documenting foot traumas with pictures). Oh and being the person he bounces every single thought off of. And he hates having the music on and I hate his hyper-constant moving around. It makes me anxious.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Mon Oct 08, 2018 12:41 PM
I have been really not okay.

I'm just going to copypasta a reddit conversation over here. TW guys. It's gets bad. Really bad.

ME
Wednesday Oct 3, 2018 12:18pm
I am just exhausted. I work four jobs. I have friends who love me, so much, but I want someone to +love+ me. I'm divorced, from an abusive husband. I'm so tired. I'm tired of playing catch up with so many late bills. All I do is work.

What's there left but another near 40 years or more of work and paying bills and being alone? What's the point? If I died, people would be sad, but I'm replaceable. We all are. Life is so futile and full of chasing things no one needs. If I didn't exist, no one's life would be irreparably effected. I'm just so tired.

The only thing that keeps me alive is the thought of screwing up. Of not succeeding. Of trying to die and living. For what? For a more futile and worthless life than I live now?

I'm so worn. I'm exhausted.

Wednesday October 3, 2018 12:48pm
I want to destroy myself. Take scissors and cut my hair off at the scalp. Pick at every imperfection in my skin until they bleed and ooze. Rip my cuticles off, bite my nails until my fingertips are raw. I want to destroy myself. I want to ruin my friendships, make the people who love me hate me so I can die and I can kill myself and not hurt them further. I want to be a monster.

REPLY
Wednesday October 3, 2018 1:21pm
Instead of becoming a monster, fight through it, just like I do. Become something good and use your depression/anxiety to help others. Just talking with other people helps so much, because you start to realize people are going through the exact same things. There is a lot to live for, I told myself why would I want to die, then I'll never get to taste delicious food again, or watch a movie, or just get to enjoy simple things in life. We are only hear for a short time and we are all a little f'ed, we need to be kind to each other, talk with each other about our problems, and just start enjoying the little things.


ME
Wednesday October 3, 2018 2:11pm
But it’s just pointless. Meaningless. Our whole existence. Why? Yes, I just ate a delicious meal. I spent $15 on it. Tipped $3. That’s more than I make an hour. $18. I have to work for more than an hour at one of my jobs to pay for my lunch.

Why didn’t I go somewhere cheaper? Because I’ve been living off freaking ramen and peanut butter and jelly and I forgot to pack a sandwich and I decided I needed nutrients, not fast food. Maybe it would help.

I still just want to crawl into a hole and never be found. I just told my best friend I’m toxic and I shouldn’t text her. Because I’m just a horrible human and I don’t deserve friends. And I am toxic.

Enjoy what exactly? What is there left to enjoy? Life is bullshit.

REPLY
Wednesday October 3, 2018 3:17pm
Yea life is bullshit, not sure why we are even here. Nothing is toxic about you, it's not your fault, trust me. I couldn't stop pacing my house for two weeks, I was having a crazy amount of panick attacks daily, I felt like I was having a heart attack all thr time, could not sleep and then the dizziness convinced me I must have cancer or something that was killing me, it was just my anxiety I shouldn't have quit taking my pills cold Turkey, it messed me up, but in all that crazy amount of fear that I can only describe as a living hell, I realized, eff dying, there so many things I'd like to do and try still, yea I don't have a lot of money or friends, but no one should be ready to die unless you are very old and ready to go. Does anything in life bring you happiness, or are there any things you want to try?


ME
Wednesday October 3, 2018 10:27pm
If anything in life brought me happiness, do you think I’d be here?

My dude, it’s been so. long. since I was happy that even on meds I don’t know what the frick happiness is.

I’m exhausted from being alive. I’m exhausted from setting my alarm and waking up and dragging myself out of bed and going to work. I’m exhausted from always being responsible. I’m exhausted from living up to expectations. I’m exhausted from trying so damn hard to be a good person. I’m tired of living. I’m tired of never getting a break. I’m tired of working 10 and 11 and 12 hours days. I’m exhausted from working 6 and 7 days a week. I’m too tired to play with my cats. I’m too tired to watch tv. I stopped playing video games because my brain is too tired to play them. I’m exhausted from living.

Every day the same. 6am alarm. Blink my eyes open. Roll onto my side and close my eyes against the existential dread crushing down on my chest. Drift back asleep. Wake up when my alarm goes off at 6:08. Hit the button. Pull the covers up tighter and try to will myself up. Finally get out of bed at 7:45 and be late to work.

I have a mild headache (between a 2 and 6) that doesn’t go away. It’s an intractable tension headache. It’s been going on a month that I’ve been actively tracking it. It’s far better than the headache I used to have though. The chronic intractable tension headache I used to have was a constant 5-10 (honestly it’s probably the same headache, but meds dull the pain).

Why should I keep living? Just the spend the next half of my life working futility and being in pain? For what? To pay more bills? For more responsibility? I’m done. I’m done with responsibility. I’ve never not been responsible. No one gives a shit anyway. We’re all replaceable. We’re all just worthless specs of matter, stupid cells doing meaningless work, to an end that no one will care about or remember. We’re all useless.

ME
Thursday October 4, 2018 11:25pm
I’m through the worst of it. This episode anyway.

This morning I woke up and I just felt hollow. Last night I had posted that it’s not even that I’m tired. I’m just so exhausted.

It’s like something triggered inside me. And I’m just worthless. I have nothing left. I don’t have anything left to give.

I feel like I’m ripping off my flesh and my muscles, shaving down my bones. Squeezing out the marrow.

Everything is so hard.

I just want to cry. And sleep.

And die.

And I’m so tired. I can’t even do that. I just sit and stare vacantly until I’m forced into action.

My brain is tired. My body is tired. I just feel worn thin and frayed.

But I can’t stop.

Scrape off more bone, syphon off more blood.

This morning that’s how I felt. Like my muscles were weak and I just couldn’t get up. I started crying in bed. I finally forced myself up, I took a quick shower to calm down. Made myself go to work even though I wanted to call in. Call in to 3 jobs? Couldn’t. Had to go.

I was late.

By 10:30 I went home. I couldn’t stop crying at work. Shortly after I got there I locked myself in the restroom, lay on the floor, curled up and sobbed. I was a mess. I ended up sleeping another 3 or so hours when I got home. I ate a sandwich. I lay on the couch and played a favorite video game. I texted my bff and tried to hopefully, idk. I wouldn’t blame her if she just got sick this, gave up on me. I’m a shit friend. She’s the best. I wish I were a better person - a more stable person.

These low lows, these suicidal stints, I’m so tired of being that person. I didn’t used to be that person. I don’t want to be that person. I just want to be me again. I feel like I died and someone reanimated my corpse and I’m just shambling along screwing up worse and worse as the spell wears off. I feel like such a failure. My whole life is a failure. I’m going to sleep. Work tomorrow.

ME
Friday October 5, 2018 2:45pm
Not yet. I just sat in my bathroom, a razor pressed against my wrist, just feeling the prickle and burn of the sharp blade. I didn’t cut myself. I wanted to. But I decided to look up how long it takes to die from a slit wrist. You don’t. It just hurts and is messy and costs money to get you stitched up. I may want to die, but hell, if it’s not going to work, I can’t freaking afford to luxury of attempts.

So what do I do? My best friend has her niece in town. I tried to talk to her on Wednesday but her niece gad just gotten there. My other best friend I’ve isolated myself from through this bullshit. I can guarantee she doesn’t want to hear from me. I guess I can try the crisis text line. I’ve used them before. But that time it was just, I don’t know. Maybe I should get real drunk. Maybe I’ll be less practical then. Because I’m so tired. I’m so, so tired. I’m just crying, sitting here, and I feel like I’ve got nothing left, and I don’t want to do this anymore. Life. I don’t want to do life anymore. I don’t want to do it. I’m so tired.

ME
Sunday October 7, 2018 11:15pm
I ended up texting the crisis text line. A lot of “you’re brave” scripts. In the end the lady was like, sooooo you got a friend to talk to or...? Because I guess she didn’t have a script for me. I texted one friend.

Then I got trashed. Absolutely wasted drunk. And I texted my other friend.

And Jesus hecking Mary I wish I hadn’t.

I wanted to destroy my friendship, eh? Well, guess the heck what? I’m too embarrassed and ashamed to talk to her at this point. And I doubt she’ll ever reach out to me. So yeah. I screwed that up really, really well. I set out to destroy something and I did. Good job right?

So now I’m reverting back to bad, old habits. Two shallow cuts. Following the veins on my wrist. With an xacto knife. Precise cuts. Just enough to draw blood. My bracelets will hide them. I’d go deeper but I have to work in a professional environment now, so. “Cat scratches” aren’t as easily believed. Or, I guess, as readily believed, because no one ever genuinely believes they’re cat scratches. But it feels good. That moment when the tip punctures through and the blood slips out. The knowing stinging ache afterward. Stupid.

But I guess I’m not doing well.

And my bff? I blocked her number. Because I can’t bear to talk to her right now. I made such an ass out of myself, that even if she did reach out, I messed it up so badly, she shouldn’t have me in her life. Her life would be so much better without my drama. So, that’s her belated birthday gift, no more me, no more drama, no more having to interact with me again. Because I’m a terrible friend and I don’t deserve anyone’s love or kindness.

****

So. That's where I am. I realized that October 4th was the 1 year anniversary of my asking B to get a divorce. I looked back through my diaries here. So maybe that's what all this is about? I don't know. But between Kavanaugh get the nod and just everything. EVERYTHING. My bills being late. Not having money to even feed myself. Because my money is being eaten by late fees and bullshit, I just... I did. I made two small cuts on my wrist. And it felt really good to do that again. Which is bad.

I've also lost almost 5 pounds. It's funny how that happens when you stop eating.

I have an appointment with my doctor. This month. I don't know what the answer is. High dose of meds. Go off of meds. Stand in the middle of the rain storm and hope lightning strikes me dead. Shit, maybe that would fix me.

I don't know. But I'm tired. I napped all weekend. I cried all weekend. I had a migraine. I'm pretty sure I gave myself alcohol poising from drinking an entire bottle of wine on an empty stomach. I feel like a basically worthless and useless person.

Another day alive. Awesome right? Cheers.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Tue Oct 09, 2018 06:37 PM
I am looking into a psychiatrist.

Rational Sumayah has good control right now. Well, "good" control, and I know I'm practically screaming for help. What am I saying? I am screaming for help. Literally. Begging people for help. And when a close friend sends me a dm and tells me I should think about inpatient or outpatient psychiatric help, because they're genuinely concerned about me, you listen. Money is a definite issue, but right now I'm not in any immediate danger, so since I've got a quiet brain, I'll use this time to get things rolling.

I know I'll need a psychiatric evaluation, so may as well start with someone on my insurance, yeah? I'm actually compiling all my diaries together into one document. Because I think that for a therapist to get to know me and understand my progression, reading over the past ten years of my life would be pretty beneficial. They may be able to pinpoint events and things and get a better rounded feel for me.

I hope anyway. That's practically a book to read.

But, hey, I want help. I'm trying, I'm trying to figure it out, I'm trying to put the pieces together, I'm trying to connect the dots and figure out why I act out the way I do and try to figure out the triggers, figure out what's really at stake, deep down.

Part of me worries that I'm doing it for the attention? Am I? I keep it confined to very specific spaces and people. I don't let it bleed over into other aspects of my life. For instance, my FB friends have NO IDEA. Twitter does. Reddit I try to distance myself for everyone and be someone anonymous. I don't have friends there; a lot of the time I just talk to myself on Reddit. I've only reached out to a handful of RL friends, and the ones who are local? I don't tell them near what's going on. Even my sister has no idea the full extent of how bad things are. My parents are the last to know. If I were attention seeking, wouldn't I be telling everyone? On all my social media? I don't want to be a burden on everyone. I'm already a burden on so many.

Here's where I've gotten to. I spent 14 years being told who I was and as the years went on, just surviving. My existence was surviving. Not upsetting B. Doing enough to not get yelled at. Trying to avoid him. Trying to go away and not be home. Just so I could breathe. So I didn't feel smothered by him. Controlled by him. And I started getting bolder, going to concerts and doing things with friends. Being A Person instead of a submissive wallflower.

Well. It came to a head. I stood up to him. I divorced him. I fought for my life and I survived.

Now what?

I don't have faith.

I don't have hope.

I don't have love.

I feel like I don't even have myself. My brain, so rotten and broken, it betrays me, it subverts my good and turns every bad. How can I even trust myself when my brain is so deceptive?

And I'm just here.

I don't have a point, a reason to be. Nothing makes me happy. Nothing excites me. Everything is flat and lackluster.

Growing up, the cult believes that heaven is only for exactly 144,000 people who have ever lived and chances are, you're not one of those people who are going to heaven. Everyone else is supposed to inherit the earth. And live forever in paradise. Which just sounds boring. An eternity of what? Agrarian living and praising god? Yay? That's what all the pictures of paradise picture. I like technology, science. Okay, well, maybe there will be cities and technological advances. Great. So an eternity. An e t e r n i t y of technological advances? And praising god. Never dying. Okay. So.... are we talking about interstellar exploration and colonizing new planets? Because people reproduce and ETERNITY. Okay. But Forever. No strife. No sickness. No drama. No pain or suffering FOREVER. So everything just perfectly. Every. Time. That... sounds so boring. Oh, and praising god. Constant. Praising. God. +sigh+

I'll take a pass. Clearly.

But hey, guess what? There's no hell. Like, there's a burning lake a sulfur where the devil and his demons get cast. Cool. But not people. People just get their name removed from the Book of Life. What does that mean? When you die in this life, you're dead. No hope of a resurrection. No paradise. No one remembers you existed. It's like you never born.

That's not bad. Like, that's super not bad. A nonexistence? Yeah. Okay.

So, enough of that has stuck with me that I'd don't believe in heaven, I don't believe in hell, when you die, you're just... dead. You cease to be. Your consciousness doesn't go on, you aren't reborn, you don't ascend, you just stop living. So, what you do on this planet right here, right now, that's the only life you get. I'm still undecided on the whole god thing. I'm more likely to pray to made up gods - Andraste - or call on Cthulhu than genuinely believe in a real higher power influencing us. That just sounds stupid. But regardless, everyone else has some belief or faith or hope of something and my one consolation is that if the cult is right, no one will remember I ever existed. And eventually everyone I know will grow old and die and everyone will forget about me anyway.

So I wake up.

I go to work.

To make money.

To pay my bills.

To further other people's lives.

And for what?

For what real purpose?

I try to remind myself that I'm in a profession that helps people. I help people who are frequently in pain and at the end of their rope get out of pain, I help make their quality of life better. I've seen a woman in her early 20's, in so much pain that she had resigned herself to a wheelchair, get adjusted and she now has a steady job and comes in once a week for maintenance care. I'm seen a woman who was almost 90 so crumpled over and in pain and her color was graying and her eyes were flat and lifeless and because of getting adjusted, the dramatic curvature in her spine isn't as bad, she has a twinkle in her eye again, a brightness to her skin and I'm not worried about attending her funeral before Christmas. I'm able to help these people and that's important.

I teach dance. I love my kids. I love my kids so much. They are my family. When they're having a bad day, they know I can help turn them around. They trust me. They know I love them. I've made an impression on these kids and they're important to me. I love dance so much. I try to remember that. Because I forget. I get lost in the darkness in my head and I forget that I love dance. It's been my constant companion since I was 10. I chose dance over my marriage if you want to get right down to it. That's huge. That's important. What I do is important.

I just get so bogged down in my horrible brain. Anyway. Speaking of class, I have to go teach, but I love y'all. I'll keep you updated.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Wed Oct 10, 2018 01:05 PM
Okay. I have an email in to an outpatient psychiatric program for info/eval. Let's just hope they're on my insurance. That would be nice.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By MarlaSingermember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Sat Oct 13, 2018 10:14 PM
Edited by MarlaSinger (199601) on 2018-10-13 22:15:08 clarity
Aw man, I was hoping maybe the lack of updates for a couple of weeks there meant that you were feeling better and thus, nothing to report. So sorry to hear it's the opposite. I love you and don't want you to have to feel this way. I really hope you are able to get an eval soon and get some helpful info. <3
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Sun Oct 14, 2018 12:00 AM
I have an appointment at 9:30am for Friday the 19th. It’s for an outpatient program through the hospital here.

When a friend straight up tells me I need inpatient or outpatient help or she’s afraid we’ll lose me and when my bff is crying when I tell her this and I have to call her so she can hear my voice and hear that when I tell her I’m safe and okay right now, I really am, it’s time to listen.

I can’t literally beg my friends to help me, I drunkenly texted a friend begging them to help me, saying help me please, help me, and then when confronted with solutions, go, nah, I’m fine. I’m not fine. I’m extraordinarily not fine. And it’s clear that I want help, that whatever is broken inside me isn’t me, not really, you know? Because I wouldn’t be screaming for help if it was.

So I’m listening. And while I’m in an okay place mentally, I’m acting. Hopefully I won’t do that thing where I feel the need to put on a front to make everyone believe I’m fine. Because I do it really well. I’m trying to be honest. I’m trying to be open and transparent. I’m trying not to hide behind the need to present this picture perfect persona anymore.

Everyone keeps telling me that we all have shit, everyone is dealing with serious mental shit. And it’s So. Hard. for me to comprehend. My whole goddamn life has been a show. Putting on who you’re supposed to be.

When I was small, growing up in the cult, you are supposed to present as better than your peers. Smarter than. Politer than. Follows the rules. Listens. Obeys. Exemplary student. I got in trouble in second grade for finishing my work early and giggling too loudly while playing Pick-up Stix in the play area with Matt, who had also finished his work early. We got our names written up on the board and had to sit on a stool at the front of the classroom. I was mortified. I had never gotten in trouble before.

It’s a carefully crafted image. I was already a sensitive kid. And I listened. I heard the lectures at church. I knew that we were supposed to lead by example. Be good Christians by our good example and closely follow Christ’s behanvior and pattern. That was what you were supposed to do. And suddenly now it wasn’t just that I got in trouble for being too loud. I disappointed god. I had gotten in trouble at school, I had brought reproach on god’s name. I was a disappointment. That’s a heavy burden for a 8 year old to shoulder. And it wasn’t that anyone shamed me, told me this, but I felt it. I knew it. I knew I wasn’t good enough for god.

That I didn’t hear the rumors of my dad having an affair. Because why the hell else would I suggest such a thing playing Barbie’s with my next door neighbor? But you don’t talk about that. It just gets play acted out by two Barbie’s and a cheating Ken doll and no one’s ever the wiser.

As I got older, my dad’s business went bankrupt. We had no money. But you put on an outward facade. I was 11 and pretending that everything was fine. Pretending that selling the Baby Grand Piano didn’t devastate me. Acting like my aunt coming to live with us so I could to a private school while both my parents worked was fine. Like everything was okay. No emotions. You don’t show emotions. You present a put together picture.

As a teen, watching my peets date and feeling wholly alone. Jealous. Bitter. But keeping my head up and acting like I don’t care. Putting on a good face. Because that’s what you do. You cry at home about your loneliness. You don’t do it in public. You are polite, and sociable to your acquaintances - Hi, how are you? I like your dress! But that’s it. It never goes beyond that. But always a carefully manicured appearance in public - carefully curated emotions.

Then I got married to B who asked that we not air our dirty laundry, that I not run the my parents over fights. That we would work our problems out. So, we became an idyllic married couple and I became more isolated.

It wasn’t until I started writing my diaries that I slowly began expressing any of what was behind the pretty, cut lawn, and white picket fence. I recently browsed my first diary and I don’t even know that person of ten years ago. I was so desperate to impress people, to have people like me, to not show that I had a tarnished side... it’s almost saccharine.

I realize the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction. Maybe this is too much forthright and transparent, but it has to be. With what’s going on, I need to be completely honest and show the bad with the good.

Even if I’ve been unable to find the good lately. I’m hoping I can find balance at some point. I’m hoping getting help with help me find balance.

But yeah. I’m working on it. It’s hard. I think that’s also where I went wrong with my last therapist. Because maybe I didn’t completely gel with her, I didn’t get really transparent, and so I put on the Everything’s Fine persona. And she believed it. Either that’s how convincing it is, or that’s how uninvolved she was. Either way, it’s a clear sign that I need someone I can open up to.

Okay, well this turned into a bigger outpouring than I expected. I’m actually sitting in a restaurant parking lot at 1am right now. Time to go home. Bye.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Sun Oct 14, 2018 11:25 PM
I’m this close to downloading Tinder. Bumble has gotten me nowhere. And to be real honest, I don’t want a relationship. The most relationship based anything I want right now is +maybe+ friends with benefits. And people my age are looking for The One and right now, at this exact moment? I just want to be naked with someone.

And I’m not necessarily even talking sex. But naked. Touching. Kissing. Caressing. Just curl up with a person I trust. Let me legs intertwine with theirs, feel the warmth of skin against mine, a heartbeat, lungs filling with air. Just an intimate human connection. If sex happened, I’d be super fine with that too. But I just want the physicality of another person.

I’d say that’s what I miss about my marriage, having another body to connect with, except that yeah, no. That never happened. It was sex or nothing. No touching. No cuddling. No foreplay. But we’ve been down this road before. And I’m not sure how far into coercion and manipulation as defining “consensual” sex I really want to go tonight. That’s something I’ve talked to the internet about but couldn’t talk to my therapist about, despite the fact that I chose her based on her being a social worker who worked in the mental hospitals and with sex offenders. Should be able to to open up, right? Never felt comfortable.

But yet on reddit, I saw this post. I’ve been really dodgy about the MeToo hashtag, because I don’t feel it applies to me. But I feel a kinship of sorts? I don’t know. But anyway, I’ve never claimed anything, because technically I have nothing to claim. But this woman made a post - she was raped by her husband. Now I just started reading it because it was something to click on. But then one woman’s story stood out. A comment way down the page. She talked about having a narcissist ex-husband and how he felt entitled. Would say, “but I have a license” and that eventually turned into “may I USE you?” And somewhere that tripped my trigger. I made a long reply to her comment, I was surprised I was posting at all, but figured no one would see it. Described how awful my sex life had become when I was married.

Her response to me: “Oh god, that’s awful. I’m so sorry. That’s coercive control, especially where if you said no and he wouldn’t, but then he’d throw a tantrum and be unbearable... I get it, I got that a lot too. It’s so that next time you’d just “let” him instead of saying no, and you’d hope he’d get it over with quickly and leave you alone.

I never wanted to call it rape. I still don’t. How do you let yourself get raped for a dozen years? You know? But if you’re having sex you don’t wanna have, under duress (whether it’s violently forced or just because you have to live with the consequences otherwise), I say that absolutely qualifies as rape, from a trauma standpoint if not a legal one.

And that’s just the one aspect. All the other traumas have to be dealt with, too. The chronic degradation, never being good enough, everything shitty is your fault even if you had nothing to do with it, your ambitions and talents and dreams crushed, your health and body wrecked from chronic stress... you can take your power back but it takes work and time, and it sucks that you even should have to go through that.”

There was more, and all of it kind, from her and others, but I couldn’t respond. I just didn’t know how? How to wrap my head around that. I guess that’s the reason I feel a kinship to MeToo, even if I don’t feel I have a story to tell. And my brain just rejects the word rape. It doesn’t want it. It’s like I can’t let myself believe that, because if it’s true? Then that’s just one more thing. And it justifies one more thing I always felt in my marriage - that he was just using me. For a house. For sex. For income. For maid service. And then I’d stand there and take his abuse, his put downs, his tantrums, his blaming me for everything, accusing me of hating him.

Gee. I wonder why I feel the need to destroy my relationships? Internalized worthlessness combined with 14 years of being accused that I hate my husband by my husband just so I can reassure him I don’t does a number on you. I self destruct and try to ruin everything good around me because that’s what I’m used to - I’m used to the behaviors. So I’m emulating them. Because I just seem to be a narcissistic printer. The abused becomes the abuser, enacting the same trauma dealt to them.

Ah shit.

I do that so much. I default to his behaviors so much. I have to stop that. I have to. I will not be a puppet of his.

And of course. OF COURSE. The first thing theough my mind after typing that? Literally. I finished typing “I will not be a puppet of his,” and my brain autofilled for me, “I’m a worthless piece of shit.” Like. Who thinks that? My head hurts. Oh yeah, The Headache™ has been a solid 4/5 moving up to an 8 the day I took a pain pill before it got worse. In case you thought it went away. Nah, just haven’t mentioned it.

I also posted in the ex(cult) reddit and it was helpful. I got some good feedback for dealing with my existential dread. I thought this was especially relevant:

His reply to me: “Yes, the vastness of the universe’s indifference is scary. It’s a big big place and often it feels like we’re shouting into the void. For me personally, I have found this feeling to relate to the quality of my personal relationships. Exiting the cult, I felt this strong desire to do good and make a positive impact on the world.

I think partially that comes from the skewed responsibility we had placed on us growing up in the cult. Think about it, we were told that we were saving lives and anyone we didn’t save was going to die armageddon. That’s a crazy responsibility to teach to children! And as a result, I felt a really high expectation for myself (and others but that’s another conversation) regarding the impact I was having on the world and other people.

Most people get the luxury of understanding that their impact is minor, but that’s all that is asked of them. You do something good for someone, they appreciate it and you see the small impact.“

That resonated so much. That and someone else mentioned compassion fatigue. And that also hit home. A few other people had similar thing to say:

This response: “It really sounds like you are burnt out from everything. I mean, there a lot of trauma from the cult, going through divorce and then being in a field that you give a lot of yourself without much coming back—-sounds like a recipe for burning out and leaving you empty.

I did a lot of counseling after being kicked out and learned that, as cult survivors, we have to learn the difference between selfish and self-care. As members we give and give until we are depleted to the point of losing ourselves completely. It’s very easy to think we need to keep that pace up once we’re on the outside. The reality is, you need to be sure to give to yourself what is needed so that you can be a happy person—self care—.”

And yeah. Between working four jobs and being severely depressed, my self care is, uh, brushing my teeth and showering more days of the week than not? Coffee?

Yeah.

I’ve lost myself.

I +want+ to get my room cleaned up and out together. I want to clean up my house. I couldn’t even bother doing my laundry. I have two clean pairs of underwear left. That’s it. I sat on the couch all day. That was after laying in bed until after noon. Because I just can’t.

I still just want someone soft and warm to curl up with. Someone to stroke my hair. To feel taken care of. I’m tired of feeling abandoned. All my life. I’ve been abandoned emotionally. I just want someone to love me. I won’t find that on Tinder. Or Bumble. Or anywhere. I’m not a person who gets to have love. Not like that. I always knew I’d be alone. It’s why I jumped at the first person who wanted to get me naked. I don’t get affection. I don’t get touch. I get therapy. And I get to hurt.

It’s after midnight, I’ll never get up in time tomorrow. I still need to shower. Poor, pathetic me. Get it together Suma. Think about what you do have. You have a talent for attracting amazing friends and that’s not nothing. Be grateful and stop being a whinging bitch. No one wants to hear you feel sorry for yourself. Self exploration is fine. But whinging and being a brat is not. Because you have that rule in your life for a reason, yeah? If you can’t change it, if it’s a situation that’s out of your hands, okay, bitch a little. But if you have the power to change things and you actively don’t? WELP. Time to shut up. And I’m not exactly out there looking for a hookup or a connection, so I don’t get the be upset that there’s no one in my bed. Same thing about the room and the house. You could clean it. You choose to sit on the couch. That’s your own fault. You don’t get to complain until you do something to make it better. And being depressed and sitting around all pathetic isn’t it.

I really am a worthless piece of shit, huh?
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Tue Oct 16, 2018 05:41 PM
I got adjusted yesterday and Dr. G used her super activator on my C2 and it was set on super powerful and it was like a sledgehammer resetting that vertebrae back into place. I swear to you, my neck has never felt better. The Headache™ is living large. My right temple feels rotten pumpkin again.

Also for the past two night I've had mild insomnia. I got 4 hours 40 minutes on Sunday night and 3 hours 59 minutes last night. And 5 hours exactly Saturday night. So it's not bad. At all. I've certainly slept less. But I'm pretty exhausted today.

I just keep sitting and staring. Just depressed.

I found out the hospital program is not covered by insurance so it will be completely out of pocket. I'm looking for a therapist on my insurance. I'll still go Friday for the consult and see what they recommend. I need info and it'll get me that. But I've more calls out to other therapists. I guess cross your fingers? Because $25 a session adds up quick, let alone whatever this program will run. But I'll do it if it'll help and just pay it off slowly. I gotta do something. Because I'm at the studio and I just want to go home and go to bed. I don't even want to be here.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Oct 18, 2018 09:16 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2018-10-18 21:01:38 Finished my sentence.
My Pittsburgh friend K is back at work, carefully, but is still paying a lot for her heart attack. If you can help her out: www.paypal.me . . .

A different K friend in the Midwest got hit by a deer yesterday, their car is going to run nearly $1500 to fix. If you can help them out: www.paypal.me . . .

I'm not financially in a place to send money, but if anyone can help my friends, I (and they) would appreciate it so very much.
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