Forum: Arts / Diaries

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re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Fri Oct 19, 2018 07:52 AM
My appointment is tomorrow at 9:30am, be there by 9am to fill out paperwork.

It’s... frustrating.

Right now. Right. Now. My brain feels calm. I feel like I have control. I feel reasonable and logical - I feel like myself, except maybe overly tired and a bit melancholy. But not out of control, not suicidal, not overwhelmingly emotional. I feel like I could get it together by getting back into therapy.

But I know I KNOW it’s there in me, waiting and lurking. That darkness, and zero sum end game move, that complete desolation that fills my body, like my heart is pumping sepsis. Leaking and oozing and polluting my soul.


I fell asleep last night writing this. I’m running late for my appointment. Like really late. Hopefully they’re understanding. Depression, eh.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof... (karma: 2)
By Sumayah
On Sat Oct 20, 2018 12:12 AM
The assessment went well.

I just took my meds, so I may nod off in the middle of this. But the assessment went really well. The therapist who did the intake, Matt, was nice. He was easy to talk to, probably late 20s or early 30s, hipsterish. His green socks matched his argyle blue and green shirt ad he was wearing a cardigan. If we had met in a bar, he’d be cute - dark hair, scruffy beard, nice eyes. But despite that, I felt at ease talking to him. Maybe because I saw him more as a peer? Someone with similar life references? The therapist I had been seeing was much older, and honestly, that out of touch quality was one of the things that made opening up a challenge.

I answered the questions honestly and mostly unemotionally, except for one. And I could feel the emotion welling in my voice. How is your hygiene? house cleanliness? running errards? Well, I brush my teeth and shower more days a week than not, so that’s not too bad. My house... it’s not clean, but that’s not the depression. And while I tried to briefly convey 14 years of mental/emotional abuse regarding the cleanliness of my home and how it still triggers me in anvery truncated and short time, I could hear the anxiety and feel my eyes welling. WELP.

-At what age did you start drinking? Don’t laugh but 21. -You strike me as a rule follower. -Have you used [long list of illicit drugs]? Just me saying no on repeat. -Have you ever abused prescription pain pills that weren't prescibed to you? Well... abused? No. Taken? Yes. -So like you have a migraine or threw your back out and you take your sister’s or your husband’s pain meds? Exactly. -Yeah, we can gloss over that one. -Used cannibis? No, oh wait, yes. Earlier this year in Seattle. Figured while I was and since it was legal, might as well try. -What was your experience? It was like taking triptans for my migraines. -Huh. -Were you ever abused as anchild? No. (Several questions on that line.) -Have you been physically abused as an adult? Not physically. Mentally and emotionally, definitely. -Have you been sexually assaulted? ...I don’t know? -Okay, if you had, who would it have been by? My then husband.

Basically, outpatient therapy would be for 5 weeks, Monday-Thursday for 3 hours each day. It’s an intense program. I will have to miss some work to make it happen, but I thinknit’ll be worth it. I also have an appointment with a new therapist on Friday (next week) at 2pm. And I’ve got a call into a psychiatrists office to make an appointment. I’m making things happen.

I love yall.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Mon Oct 22, 2018 11:02 AM
The Headache™ is a 5/6 and my mood is low. :/
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Mon Oct 22, 2018 09:59 PM
Today was a bad brain day. I faked it well, but it was not a good day. Despite sleeping 6 hours 21 minutes, I was exhausted. When I got home I didn’t finish my laundry. I didn’t eat dinner. I just sat on the couch, same as I did yesterday and let the fog of my depression soak me through.

The negative self talk is high. I’m trying not to listen. I am worthy of getting help. I deserve to be happy. I want to be happy. I want to know happiness. Don’t pick your cuticles. Don’t bite your skin on your lips off. Stop trying to damage yourself, disfigure yourself, make yourself bleed. Let your toenails heal - you ripped them deep last time, let them heal. Don’t dig into your skin after a bump, an imperfection until you bleed and ooze and scab over just to dig at the scab. You are worthy. You are good. Don’t hide from your friends. Your friends care, I promise they care. Just because Twitter’s metrics are screwed up and only a few people saw your picture doesn’t make you worthless, doesn’t make you alone. You have so many people who love you. Focus on the good, don’t focus on the bad. The nevative self talk isn’t real. That’s just... static.

It’s just so hard.

My logical brain is quiet and calm and it’s a challenge to focus on it over the chaotic cacophony of self doubt and censure my emotional brain screams and wails at me.


I’m tired.

re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Tue Oct 23, 2018 11:21 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2018-10-23 14:46:04
The Headache™ hurts. I'm tired. My eyes are tired. And I ate and peanut butter sandwich for breakfast, but I feel nauseated. I just want to sleep all the time. I don't want to work. I don't want to do anything. I just want to sleep. And sit. And play the stupid game on my phone.

ETA: I talked to Dr. G and Dr. R about the 5 weeks of therapy and how that would disturb things. They both agreed it was a temporary situation and I should do it.

I also received a call from the hospital program. They have an opening in the 1-4 pm program - the one I want to do - starting tomorrow. So, uh, I start tomorrow. I'm... nervous. Excited. Anxious. Worried. But it's going to be good, yeah?
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Tue Oct 23, 2018 10:47 PM
Can you sit with me for a minute? I’m glad you’re there, right now, because my thoughts are racing. I took my meds and I’m presently in the bath, soaking, because it’s a place of comfort for me.

I don’t feel well. I think I’m fighting off a sinus infection. My sinuses feel inflamed and irritated, and my throat is sore from the drainage which causes me to cough. And The Headache™ is a solid 6/7. And I’m sneezing a lot.
Image hotlink - ''
I... I... want that alot.
Image hotlink - ''
Ooof. Those jellybeans. I need this alot.

Okay. Right. Anyway. I’m in the tub trying to feel better because I currently feel like hot death on toast. No. I don’t. That’s a superlative ridden over exaggeration. I feel like lukewarm near-death on squished bread. Yes.

Mmm. Sleeping pill kicked in. It should get fun from here on out.

You know why baths? I think? Not sure, but I think and it’s a pretty reasonable guess if I’m honest. Back when I was 13 and had The Year of No Immune System and Full Body Hives my one reprise from feeling like total shite was a package of Aveeno oatmeal bath. And I’d soak and my skin would calm and I’d not want to scratch myself until I bled, slice my nails through the thick plaque hives and draw blood. So baths = soothing and comforting. Even though logically I know I’m just stewing in my own filth, and I’m in no way getting clean, just the warm water surrounding my body, being in a place where no one can bother me, it’s safe and warm. Plus, right now the steam means I can breathe a little easier. I take hot baths. If I’m not bright red it’s not worth it.

But all of this is just to distract myself from the fact that I’m anxious about starting group therapy tomorrow. I was absolutely not expecting to start tomorrow. I was expecting to start in a few weeks. Some time in November. Once I had gotten used to the idea. No. No, it’s tomorrow.

I’m trying to be more open and vulnerable. Trying. But while I’m getting better at being more sharing with people I trust and who need to know or in my diary to the internet at large, I have a hard time really being vulnerable in person. Few people truly see that side of me. If I’m going to have to be vulnerable with strangers...

I can be dramatic and overact. Absolutely. That side of me exists. And I’ve been much more matter of fact about a lot of my history. But what if?

What if...

I mean what if it’s great? But what if...

I guess I should dry off and go to bed. I’ll find out tomorrow. I feel very small. And scared. Sit with me for a little bit? I know it’s stupid, but, I just feel very alone and even though I know what I’m doing is good and needed, I can’t help but feel a bit like Esther Greenwood, being found in her hole, pulled out and forced into the hospital. Despite the fact that I am the one who is voluntarily joining this program of my own free will - in fact I will be paying my insurance to attend +and+ losing money at work because I have no vacation/sick time left this year. I’m doing it because I want to. I’m not doing it because I want to. That’s a lie. I’m doing it because I clearly recognize that I need to go otherwise one of these times I won’t catch myself and say, “But what if you screw it up? What then?” And then the depression will have won.

Just because I’m made of shattered glass doesn’t mean I have to be broken.

But still. I feel a bit like I’m doing this under protest of myself. Logical brain is saying this is the smartest thing we’ve done, I’m proud. Good job. We’ll get Suma back. The real Suma. And IT WILL BE WORTH IT. While emotional brain is saying, but everyone will think we’re crazy, psycho, looney tunes. It’s ridiculous, but there it is.

Okay, have sleep. Good night.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Wed Oct 24, 2018 09:21 AM
Rinse repeat Monday. The Headache™ has taken on a life of its own. It is a living thing. I'm pretty sure I am merely a host organism for The Headache™ to get around in. It is disappointed it chose such a futile body. Maybe I should go collapse in the woods and a tree would grow from my head. And then when I wake, the world will be different and new, but old and the same.

There's an obscure literary reference in there.

My sinuses are tingly and swollen and ugh.

I've been almost exclusively listening to audiobooks in the car lately, but one my dancers told me to listen to her favorite band - Beach House - that I would like it. I do. I recognized a good 2/3's the music Pandora pulled from that station. This is the teen who at the past show I called over (she's 18 mind you) and told her, "Child, you need better cover up that hickey." "I tried!" her exasperated response. Smh. These kids need to learn about color correcting and using products to cover tattoos and bruises. Like you do when you're a performer. But it's nice that my teens don't have that stand-off I won't understand feeling towards me. They know I'm an adult, but they also know I'm not that adult. You know the one.

But anyway. I've had coffee. I'm drinking (safe) water. My head is pounding. I've got therapy in 2 hours and 42 minutes. My stomach is in knots. Yeah. So. Okay.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Wed Oct 24, 2018 01:33 PM
I posted this today: “Shabby chic” is the perfect example of how you can be worn, battered, flaws exposed, stripped down, cracked and peeling and still valuable and wanted.

It’s not my aesthetic.

I’m trying real hard to find worth in my feelings, and I feel like my façade that used to keep everything in place is broken down, the paint is peeling around the edges, the flaws are showing. And I’m trying real hard to believe that there’s value in it. I’ve always felt broken into many little pieces and it’s the glue and tape and bits of string that kept it together. Now it’s falling apart.

Welcome to my morning existential crisis.


The therapist running group just met with me asking specifics about what brought me here, like the actual details of what triggered this. Basically, ha, the contents of this diary. I am “hard to read” because my emotional presentation is incongruous with what I’m saying. So that’s a thing.

Welp, we get to role play. Yay acting skills?
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Oct 25, 2018 10:47 AM
I have a sick.

I woke up with not yet a low-grade fever. I haven't retaken my temp, but I'm pretty sure it's either now officially a low grade fever or it's gone in the opposite direction and it's too low. Mmm, nevermind. It's 99.9F. So not technically a fever. But my temp is going up, which isn't good. It was 99.0F when I woke up. My normal temp is between 97.5-97.8F.

I feel lightheaded and tingly, like my nerve endings are hyper aware and my skin is crawling. My teeth hurt. My sinuses are so heavy that my teeth hurt. I want to floss so badly. Actually, we have floss... brb.

Better. I mean, relatively so.

I've got a little over an hour before I leave for therapy. I've gone and laid on the bathroom floor. I'm just not feeling it today. I'm dealing with it. I haven't broken down crying. But I don't know, I'm not feeling so bad I'm at I-want-to-go-home melt down point. But I feel really bad? I don't know.

I feel disconnected today, like my head isn't actually here. Okay, back to work I guess.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Fri Oct 26, 2018 12:23 PM
I lied to my boss this morning and said I was running a fever when I wasn't. Truth is, my head hurt so badly I was having to hold it just to move around. The Headache™ was a 9/10. And I don't mean placing my fingers across my forehead in the typical I-have-a-headache gesture. I mean I had one hand clamped on the top of my head pressing down firmly, and one hand clamped behind my head firmly pressing up, as though my head had split open during the night and I had glued the two halves back together and if I released my grip, the halves would fall apart and shatter. I had to hold my head just to move, because otherwise the pain was so intense, I couldn't walk.

So, since my temperature was up yesterday and I was running a low grade fever, it was easier to say, hey, I woke with a 101.0F temp, even though I'm pretty sure it's just a sinus infection, since it's now officially a fever probably better safe than sorry, I'm gonna stay home a rest and drink tea and take my vitamins than try to explain the extreme pain that was incapacitating me.

What I did, which probably wasn't smart, or safe, but I did anyway because we were out of creamer and I just wanted some coffee goddamnit, was I drove and got some breakfast tacos and coffee and took a pain pill. Yes, I drove with one hand compressing my head head like I'd been shot and was trying to stop the bleeding, but that's neither here nor there. But I took my ketoralac, drove home and crawled back in bed. And the pill is working, bless, and The Headache™ has retreated to a 4/10.

For the record I am not running a fever this morning, my temp is a little high for me, but within normal ranges of normal humans.

I also slept over 9 hours and went to bed at 8:30pm last night because I felt so lousy.

Ooooookay. So, group therapy. I know that's why you're here. How is group?

As an aside, gender neutral endearments. All my endearments are gendered, and tend to be femme in nature. Doll, sweets, baby girl, chica, girlie, etc. I need to find gender neutral endearments besides just "my friend" that I can use. Like with my cats, it's easy, I can just call them descriptors - small and orange, fat and grey, small one, grey one, fuzzybutt, smolcat, babycat, but that doesn't work so well with people, you know?

Any suggestions?

Okay, group. I... don't really know what to say. I guess I'll walk you through both days, start to finish.

Day 1.

I get

I'm having serious trouble writing this out and I don't know why. I just distracted myself playing Pokemon, messing around on Twitter, and then on Reddit. C'mon, Suma. What's up with this? Why don't I want to talk about it? Nothing bad happened. Maybe it's because I don't fully understand what all is going on yet? Let me start from the beginning, maybe that will help?

I started on Wednesday. I got there at 12:45pm to fill out the remaining paperwork. I go back to room 7, incidentally, the same room I did my intake in. There are two people there already. A woman, white, I'd estimate in her 50's, a little overweight, but not morbidly so. She's friendly and greets me. There's also a man in the room, balding, slightly overweight, but has muscle tone, white, and he also greets me. I'm wearing a long black skirts, black sweater, and a dark purple shirt. I sit in the corner.

I feel nervous. My stomach is roiling, and I don't know what to expect.

Another woman enters, mid-twenties, white, a little flustered. The therapist enters, greets me and instructs me to get a daily check in sheet and fill out about 1/4 of it. The rest I'll learn about later. He also hands me a packet of 50 sheets of paper, printed front and back, stapled together. The course lesson. I get up and take a check-in sheet and a clipboard and sit down with my pen and start looking it over.

Name: Suma Date: 10/24/18

Target 1____ Urge to Engage (0-5)___Did You Engage Y or N
Target 2____ Urge to Engage (0-5)___Did You Engage Y or N
Target 3____ Urge to Engage (0-5)___Did You Engage Y or N
Target 4____ Urge to Engage (0-5)___Did You Engage Y or N

Those I left blank because I had no idea what that meant. I could guess that it's some sort of bad behavior, but beyond that, who knows.

The there was 0-10 on your thought process; i.e. ability to focus, hopeless thoughts, etc, 0-10 on mood level and 0-10 on behaviors, i.e. impulsive, self-injuring. A box on sleep and the quality you got. A box for hallucinations. Oh jeez. Hallucinations? Are people here hallucinating? Is this the right place for me? Next was 0-10 on suicidal thoughts, thoughts of injuring others (I've clearly been watching too much NCIS and Criminal Minds because my first thought was if you're harming others you're clearly a psychopath or a sociopath - I'm not sure therapy is gonna help much). Check boxes that "I will be safe for the next 24 hours" and "I will refrain from injuring another." But then, I guess, injuring people doesn't have to be physical. It can be mental or emotional. So. A box for "I took medications as prescribed?" I kind love that it assumes we're all on meds here. I mean, no doubt we are. But yeah. No are you taking meds, DID you take your meds? XD Then there's place to list any changes to meds. A place to list your psychiatrist and date of next appointment and therapist and date of next appointment. I guess I need to pick up on getting a psychiatrist, huh? I do see my therapist today. I'm sorta excited about that. I feel like shit, but it'll be nice to meet with my new therapist and talk. And then there's a box for substance use, yes or no, and if yes, what and how much?

Then there's a bunch of DBT skills I don't know, so I skipped those. And a emotional regulation worksheet on the back I skipped because I had no idea what it was about.

After we got started, another woman came in, Hispanic, late twenties, introverted, nervous, anxious, and she joined up. Let's name these people... um, the older woman is Susan, the man is Curtis, the young woman is Dawn, and the middle woman is Cathy.

The therapist went over Susan's check-in first. Susan has high anxiety. She had to field a phone call and deal with an issue and it triggered her. Now, the issue is something that for me or you would have been a non-issue. To Susan, it set off a chain of events where she was unable to function. The therapist went through the actions and emotions that led up to it, how to handle it better, and how to plan for making such phone calls in the future. Fyi, on day 2, she had to make a phone call regarding a somewhat similar issue, and instead of shutting down, she managed to get her needs met. So she clearly worked through the chain and it helped. I thought that was interesting.

Curtis is your typical Austin gay dude. He's into acro-yoga, mountain biking. I mean... do I really need to describe him more? You know exactly the guy. He has bi-polar. I'm making an interpretation that he's bi-polar 1, and has high highs and low lows, just based on the little I've seen of him. He seems to have a lot of personality, but I have a feeling it controls him, he doesn't control it.

Dawn isn't an alcoholic. I am going to make an interpretation here also, she probably is or is well on her to being one. She is currently two weeks sober in order to undergo testing for a medication to help her. But she's struggling with saying no. But she's doing it and she should be damn proud of herself. She has two events where drinking is a focus and staying sober will be challenging. So that's what her check in was about.

Cathy apparently missed Mon/Tues and so was a bit unprepared for Wednesday. It seems she had trouble with one of her targets, I'm guessing some sort of self-harm? The therapist recommended peeling Elmer's glue off her hand instead of what she had been doing.

Then it was my turn. Okay, without going into too much detail, tell everyone why you're here. "I have chronic, severe depression." And somewhat later I explained that friends kept tabs on me through this diary, well, "an online diary I give my friends links to" so that it wouldn't sound searchable, ha, and that a friend had confronted me and told me I needed help. So here I was.

During the break, the therapist asked me to stay for a minute, because, while they don't go into that stuff in group, he will touch on that stuff individually. -So... what did you say in your diary that made your friend so worried? When did they tell you to get help? "Hang on, I can tell you." I looked it up and it was right after the whole meltdown around the 4th. "Ah. Yeah. It was right after the 4th." I read him a few excerpts from my dairy from around then. -Okay, so definitely a cry for help. Wait, is that still posted online? "Well... it is a diary. I have them going back for nearly 10 years." I, uh, I take that to mean that perhaps my diary is triggering?

Sorry y'all.

Although I feel like telling him to never visit the depression boards on reddit. That shit is triggering like people posting their hey I'm about to kill myself I just needed to someone. Byeeee posts. And 3/4's of the posts are like DON'T DO IT MAN I PROMISE IT GETS BETTER. And 1/4 of the posts are like SAME. Although it's amazing to see someone post that, and then come back later and post a follow up that they didn't go through with it. Now I know you're thinking, but how do you know you're not just being played, manipulated? You don't. You can only hope that the guy who posted he had nothing live for, that he hoped his son wouldn't hate him, and who responded to some of the messages, and a day later posted that he went to the hospital instead and that he didn't want to die, he wanted to be there for his son, well... you kind of just hope it's true. Sometimes you need to just believe that people are real and true and that the crisis they're experiencing, the crisis you've felt yourself, that if they pulled through it, you can pull through it also.

Anyway. He listens to me and says he thinks I'll be a good fit for this class.

After the break they do role play. Susan's role-play is about leaving a message and being able to accept a no. Because that no gives her anxiety. Each one worked on a relevant role-play to a situation they were dealing with. Cathy. She didn't seem to understand it. At all. I mean I understood it. I didn't have to do it, because it was my first day, so I just observed, but I totally understood what was happening. Cathy got lost in what was reality and what was role-play. She was trying to recreate a fight she had been in between her and her parents. And instead of letting the role-play develop, responding using the tactics of the therapy, she was trying to remember how she answered in real life and make those answers fit within the scheme of the role-play. And it was confusing her. She couldn't make the distinction between this is a learning exercise, not a recreation.

But that was basically it for day one. Oh... we did the hokey-pokey as a... meditation? I don't know. Ice breaker? Whatever. It was the saddest hokey-pokey ever.

Okay, I've been typing this for hours and I need to get ready for my therapy appointment. Day 2 and today's therapy later. <3
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Mon Oct 29, 2018 02:51 AM
It’s 3:42am.

Hey insomnia long time no see.

My fault for not taking my meds in a timely fashion. It’s interesting that without my sleeping pill, my sleep is no better regulated than it ever was. I thought sleeping pills were supposed to train the body or something? Maybe because I was sick on Thursday, had an incapacitating headache on Friday, and have coughed so much my abs hurt, have blown my nose so much, my nose is swollen and possibly infected, but 9:30pm hit tonight and suddenly I +needed+ to do stuff. I felt compelled.

So I took out the recycling and the trash. I did a load of laundry and put it away. I messed with my costume for ghe office. I dyed my hair. I cut my hair. It’s like I don’t know what to do with myself.

I’m going to try to get some sleep. 5:45am will be here in less than 2 hours and tomorrow will be a long day.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Mon Oct 29, 2018 10:26 PM
Because I dyed my hair, and badly chopped at it, since my self-destruction has apparently become subtle and undermining, two people didn’t recognize me - straight up, and one older patient bless-her-heart called me Little Orphan Annie. Now, after I finish shaving my head à la Britney Spears circa 2007 I will go to this patient’s house, decapitate her and then spill her entrails across her front lawn. My dark, murderous soul thus unleashed, bathed in the blood of my fresh kill, I shall travel to Washington, D.C. where I shall be the promised one, the one of prophesy, and I shall leave a trail of Cheetos dust in my bloody footprints as anarchy decends. I will be like The Bride, and none will be left standing who deserve death, and I will paint the house red, no longer white, but a sticky, brackish red. And it will be glorious and the revolution will begin.

Or, you know, I’ll just be really pissed off at the comparison because I have hated Annie since I was small. Seems I loved until I didn’t and then I hated it.

But anyway, my sleeping pill kicked in. Good night.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Tue Oct 30, 2018 11:22 PM
Today was an emotional day. I’ve noticed that when I don’t feel good, or when I’m in pain, I respond emotionally.

Oh by the way, Susan, in her 50’s? Is 70. 😱😱😱 On one hand, WHOA SHE DOESN’T LOOK 70! On the other hand, aw shit. If self harm, anxiety, and needing to find a job is a thing she’s dealing with AT 70, then us Gen Xers and Millennials have zero hope of ever retiring. But she made us chocolate chip cookies and that was awesome.

Okay, so, group is hard. It’s not interpersonal sharing. But it is identifying emotions and labeling them and processing through a moment in time and figuring out whether the emotion fit the event, and how to emotionally respond to situations. Some of this is triggering. More so than I expected. Oh but first, can I tell you how freaking hard it is for me to label my emotions? To think of an event, some moment in time, and say I felt this way about that 10 minute interchange. My emotions have either been scoring nil pois or they’ve been so intense I can’t control them and just get swept along in the drama of my emotional brain.

I live in my logical brain. Way over here. Away from emotions. But when I snap, and I do, I slingshot cattycorner across the Venn diagram to the far emotional brain side. And there, it’s a godless, lord of the flies, emotional blender where the button is stuck on high. The middle ground I skip over, the middle of the intersecting circlenis the wise brain. That’s where I need to move to.

Sleeping pill kicked in. Anyway, triggered by shame and guilt today. Mostly shame. Of being shamed. Hey trauma to work through. Gotta sleep. Bye.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Nov 01, 2018 09:48 PM
I feel like such a mess. Judgment. IOP (intensive outpatient therapy) is kicking my ass. We’re talking about behavior chains and opposite to emotion actions.

Oh I took my pill. I’ll sleep soon. I’m not applying the breathing technique and awareness my therapist recommended to help with racing thoughts before bed because frankly writing helps. And I’m doing what works. Focusing on my breathing just gets me upset and angry. I can’t focus that long when I want to to sleep but my thoughts are racing. Stopping to focus on my breathing technique à la yoga just makes me acutely aware of how my waistband on my pants is pressing into the small of my back and how I want to fix that and how my toes are cold and how I need to shift. Writing channels my racing thpughts, even if I bounce around a bit, and makes me stop and not be hyper focused on EVERYTHING.

So yeah.

Anyway. Emotion chains. I feel a way in a moment. Well, how? When? Where? Why? With who? What were the facts? What’s the set up to the event? What’s the perception? How did the body physically respond? What did you do/say? How did you emotionally proceed? What did you do/say? What was the emotion? What was the intensity pf the emotion? Does the emotion fot the facts of the situation? If it did, did you problem solve? If it didn’t, did you use opposite to emotion actions? What was the result?

I apparently checked out today. That’s not an accurate describe, but there you go. I self-soothed. Being told to “try something for my insomnia” while I wait for my pill to work just... set off something. Also not an accurate descirbe. And I drew mandalas for the rest of the time. My dude. I’ve been dealing with disordered sleep since I was a small child. Do you want to see the freaking lift of things I’ve tried to get to sleep? I have a sleeping pill that works in 30 mins and if I have to deal with a hyper brain for 30 minutes so be it. But don’t think you’re going to magically fix my disordered sleep. That’s not going to happen. It’s never happened. And it seems sort of... pompous isn’t the right word. I don’t know. It frustrates me. It’s my one thing I never want to hear suggestions for ever again.

Speaking of. Night y’all. 💙
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Fri Nov 02, 2018 10:02 PM

the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.
synonyms: pardon, absolution, exoneration, remission, dispensation, indulgence, clemency, mercy; reprieve, amnesty; (archaic) shrift

Okay. Pardon: act of forgiving. Absolution: formal release from guilt, obligation, or punishment. Exoneration: the action of officially absolving someone from blame; vindication. Remission: forgiveness of sins. Dispensation: exemption from a rule or usual requirement. Indulgence: the state or attitude of being indulgent or tolerant. Clemency: mercy; lenience. Mercy: compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm. Reprieve: cancel or postpone the punishment of. Amnesty: an official pardon for people who have been convicted of political offenses. Shrift: confession, esp. to a priest; from the origin shrive, the penance imposed after confession.

So, I guess the question is, how do I go about forgiving myself?

A stupid Twitter quiz asked if I give second chances and this was my response:

Nah, better question. Do you +deserve+ a second chance?

Because when I’m done, I’m done. It takes a whole lot to get there, I’m real laid back, so if you’ve hit a point where I’m in need of giving you a second chance, odds are, you don’t deserve it.

How do I give myself that second chance? Where do I even start? How do you go anout forgiving yourself? +sigh+
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof... (karma: 1)
By Sumayah
On Sat Nov 03, 2018 07:57 AM
I slept in the middle of my bed last night.

Yeah? And? You ask.

I’ve been sleeping on “my side” of the bed. More habit than anything. Or is it? I don’t know. I have a queen sized bed. I sleep on the left side. I decided rather defiantly last night to sleep in the middle. So I did.

I get to live my life how I want.

I’m free to live my life how I want.

I don’t have to be confined to the left side of the bed. I’m not waiting on someone else to come to bed. I don’t have to worry about taking up too much space. I am allowed to take up all the space. So I’m going to start sleeping in the middle of the bed. I am going to take up space. I’m allowed to do this.

In therapy yesterday, we talked about forgiveness. How the biggest thing holding me back, is that I an holding on to the shame and guilt B instilled into me. That that’s not me, that’s conditioning. That I’m not at fault for the behaviors I fall into because his abuse wore me down until I became that person. I need to forgive myself for not knowing. I need to forgive myself for not being strong enough to see what he was doing, because isolating me from people who could say, Suma that’s not right, was part of his agenda. I need to forgive myself because I did the best I could and when I could do better I did. I need to forgive myself for falling back into bad behavior patterns because I’m actively seeking help to learn how to change those patterns.

It’s going to take time.

My reaction to things is still immediately negative, not positive. I’ve been beat down so much and my self-worth is so, so low that I immediately assume the worst, not the best that someone might think of me. I’m working on it. You’d think having such amazing and truly loving friends I’d feel how loved and valued I am. I should. Especially since the friendships I sought and pursued are relationships I made, relationships I value, people whose opinions I hold in such esteem. But I swear, the daily systematic chipping down of me was tremendous. And it’s almost Pavlovian at this point. It’s a trigger, an automatic response.

My therapist said that I need to start talking back to those thoughts. Even outloud. If I hear B’s voice in my head, telling me I’m not doing something right, making me feel not good enough, not worth enough, I need to tell him off. Shut up. You don’t have any right to be here you abusive asshole. Get the eff out. Find closure in telling him exactly what i think of him. Use the tools from the class, if the emotion I feel fits the facts, I problem solve, if it doesn’t I use opposite to emotion actions. I don’t sit in the emotion, I do something about it. I feel the emotion, but I don’t sit it.

Oh, my antidepressant got upped. We’ll see how that works out. Still looking for a psychiatrist. Onward we go.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Sat Nov 03, 2018 04:01 PM
Talking with my sister, talking about therapy, about issues. About our mom. We’ve been armchair diagnosing her. A is thinking munchausen by proxy (facetious disorder by proxy), I think borderline personality disorder. Interestingly, those two disorders have established relationships.

I’ve talked about BPD before. Let’s review.

People with borderline personality disorder may experience mood swings and display uncertainty about how they see themselves and their role in the world. As a result, their interests and values can change quickly.

People with borderline personality disorder also tend to view things in extremes, such as all good or all bad. Their opinions of other people can also change quickly. An individual who is seen as a friend one day may be considered an enemy or traitor the next. These shifting feelings can lead to intense and unstable relationships.

Other signs or symptoms may include:

Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, such as rapidly initiating intimate (physical or emotional) relationships or cutting off communication with someone in anticipation of being abandoned
A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self
Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating. Please note: If these behaviors occur primarily during a period of elevated mood or energy, they may be signs of a mood disorder—not borderline personality disorder
Self-harming behavior, such as cutting
Recurring thoughts of suicidal behaviors or threats
Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
Difficulty trusting, which is sometimes accompanied by irrational fear of other people’s intentions
Feelings of dissociation, such as feeling cut off from oneself, seeing oneself from outside one’s body, or feelings of unreality
Not everyone with borderline personality disorder experiences every symptom. Some individuals experience only a few symptoms, while others have many. Symptoms can be triggered by seemingly ordinary events. For example, people with borderline personality disorder may become angry and distressed over minor separations from people to whom they feel close, such as traveling on business trips. The severity and frequency of symptoms and how long they last will vary depending on the individual and their illness.

Okay. So, about the facetious disorder by proxy. What about that?

Factitious disorder symptoms involve mimicking or producing illness or injury or exaggerating symptoms or impairment to deceive others. People with the disorder go to great lengths to hide their deception, so it may be difficult to realize that their symptoms are actually part of a serious mental health disorder. They continue with the deception, even without receiving any visible benefit or reward or when faced with objective evidence that doesn't support their claims.

Factitious disorder signs and symptoms may include:

Clever and convincing medical or psychological problems

Extensive knowledge of medical terms and diseases
Vague or inconsistent symptoms
Conditions that get worse for no apparent reason
Conditions that don't respond as expected to standard therapies
Seeking treatment from many different doctors or hospitals, which may include using a fake name
Reluctance to allow doctors to talk to family or friends or to other health care professionals
Frequent stays in the hospital
Eagerness to have frequent testing or risky operations
Many surgical scars or evidence of numerous procedures
Having few visitors when hospitalized
Arguing with doctors and staff
Factious disorder imposed on another

Factitious disorder imposed on another (previously called Munchausen syndrome by proxy) is when someone falsely claims that another person has physical or psychological signs or symptoms of illness, or causes injury or disease in another person with the intention of deceiving others.

People with this disorder present another person as sick, injured or having problems functioning, claiming that medical attention is needed. Usually this involves a parent harming a child. This form of abuse can put a child in serious danger of injury or unnecessary medical care.

OOOO kay. Let’s talk about my mom now. My sister remembers more than I do, I’ve blocked a lot out. So talking with her has been good. My mom...

I’m having difficulty writing about this. Lemme try this in a bit
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Tue Nov 06, 2018 11:22 AM
Real tired today. I slept almost 9 hours but I'm so tired. The Headache™ is a 4? Depression is high. Group in 40 mins. Okay. I can do this.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Wed Nov 07, 2018 08:25 PM
Last week for Halloween we were dressed as our own variation on a witch doctor. I borrowed from the New Orleans voodoo style without (I hope) appropriating a culture or religion. My goal was to come across as witch doctor, but inoffensively. My coworker, my white coworker, went tribal. >.> I KNOW. I had issues with her costume. But the point of me telling you this isn’t to point out that she totally appropriated a culture that doesn’t belong to her - two cultures, actually - but to give you an idea of her costume. My coworker is very busty, G-cup? easily.

Anyway, we have one patient who is a white guy and he has made comments before. He gets shut down very clearly that it is not appropriate. For instance if he talks about getting rubbed on, he gets an education on why we goad the muscles before an adjustment on the Cox flexion/distraction table. He stopped calling it a massage or getting rubbed on, he stopped referring to it at all. So far, the gross comments have been shut down and he has changed his behavior.

Until Halloween.

And he saw my coworker in her costume. And had to comment on it. How her husband must love it, how she should wear it all the time, how she should wear that around the house. Super inappropriate. My coworker, in no unclear terms, set boundaries for his behavior. Made it known that that sort of talk was not appropriate for the office, Halloween or not.

This week, skeezeball comes in and says, “Where’s your costume? I was hoping you’d have it on again.” Now, having heard the original exchange and now hearing this, I’m on edge. My coworker is again being clear in her words and intent, no, clearly that was for Halloween, and this is back to a normal week, so please sign in. I speak up and redirect him firmly, “There is a roller table [an intersegmental traction table] open you can use.” Instead of hearing her no and hearing my redirect, he doubles down. “Awww, I was hoping you’d wear it and dance around while I got adjusted.”

I felt nauseated. My mouth was open. The words “Stop because you are making me uncomfortable,” hung in my head, I was unable to utter them because my coworker responded with the much less effectual, “No. That will never happen.” And then he went to roll. But that was it. My day was ruined. It wasn’t even directed at me. But my day was ruined.

At group I had a meltdown over the election. Friggin Cruz. I’m so pissed off at those fricken white women ruining it for us. But like, until my coworker was sexually harassed, I had been disappointed and sad, but reasonably so. After? I was ruminating on itand fighting tears at work and then hit the bottom of my skills breakdown point in group and cried publicly. Now I’ve got the start of a migraine and I just... I just... I’m trying really hard to feel my feelings but not get swept away in them, not become so disconsolate that I can’t function. It’s stupidly hard.

I feel like I’m not allowing myself to care as much as I feel like I do, except that I know my emptions don’t fit the facts, they’re too intense, so it’s more like I’m metering them out a little at a time and it’s. So. Hard.

Ugh. Okay. I’m going to go home, take my shower, go to bed. Good night y’all.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Tue Nov 13, 2018 09:53 AM
I'm having a day. I'm feeling like a failure. Like I'm not good enough.

I'm trying to remember that shame or guilt doesn't fit the facts, that I haven't done anything wrong to feel bad about. Do my opposite to emotion action.

But I can't shake feeling like a burden.

I wanted to talk about how our façade, our masking of emotions, isn’t for ourselves but rather for the people around us. I wrote a poem about it some months ago. I was thinking about it last night but my sleeping pill kicked in first.

I'm also frustrated in people telling me no, that the coping methods I present to them are not acceptable. Okay. You clearly know me better. And being told that the way I can cope and manage effectively is wrong is super awesome, thanks. It's not like my ex used to do that to me. Thanks for hearing me and taking my suggestion under consideration, it's nice to be understood and have my issues accommodated for.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Wed Nov 14, 2018 10:26 PM
We were talking about rational brain and emotional brain in class today. And a lightbulb sorta went on over my head. I think I skew more emotional brain when you get down to my chewy, nougat center. All this time I thought I was a rational brain, but deep down? I don’t think I am.

The way the rational brain was described, that’s my ex. The list making, the rigidity, it fit him perfectly. And it can be a learned behavior. So, when he outright refused to meet my emotional needs, I masked my emotions behind a rational brain exterior since that’s what he knew and could relate to. I got so used to masking my emotions, I buried them down so deep that I began to believe I was a rational brain person.

But I’m not.

I need to learn how to live my life without masking and pretending all the time, accepting the status quo because I had no hope of better. I have the hope of better. I can make that happen. I don’t have to settle anymore.

Now I just have to believe it.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof... (karma: 2)
By Nyssasisticmember has saluted, click to view salute photosPremium member
On Thu Nov 15, 2018 08:51 PM
"And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good".

In the past, you did the best you could with what you were given.

Now, you can do the best you can with what you have.

(I found my password, yay!)
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Tue Nov 20, 2018 08:51 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2018-11-20 09:01:01
<3 <3 <3 Nyssa

Good is, yeah. I think I can do good.

Perfect was never attainable. It was never going to be attainable. It just set me up for failure. Good though... good can exceed expectations, good can be just right, good can be perfect in the moment. So I think good is just right.

Although last night I was having a small existential crisis. WHO AM I!? If I'm learning how to cope and be human and be not depressed, who even am I? I've been depressed for so long, it's almost gone from being an adjective to being me.

My individual therapist has been telling me, the strong woman I want to be, the bright and engaging woman I know I can be, that woman is there - she's always been there - and I get to be anyone I want to be. I have no one telling me how I'm supposed to live, shaping my opinions for me, or rather telling me my opinions aren't valid. I get to become who I want.

(By the way my new therapist is great - I love that she's focused on helping build my future before dealing with my past.)

But it's also a little scary, shedding my identity of depression, actually cognitively changing my view of myself. That's going to be thing to work on. But yeah, I'm trying to forgive myself and figure out who I am. Little existential crisis, you know?

Also, I met with a psychiatrist yesterday. She was nice enough, listened, we did the intake form - all the standard questions. "Have you ever been hospitalized?" "No." A few minutes and questions and explanations later... "So... you've never been hospitalized?" "No."


So, that's a thing. My psychiatrist seems to think I should have been committed at some past point. But yeah. She has me trying 5mg of Trintellix in addition to the 95mg of Cymbalta I’m already on for the next two weeks to see if that makes a difference. Anyway, back to work.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Wed Nov 28, 2018 01:19 PM
So, I'm really trying to get fired.

Not intentionally.

I'm not trying to get fired, but I'm just screwing up my life in complicated ways that may result in me getting fired.

Okay, so what's going on?

TL:DR - I'm exhausted and my functionality is suffering because of it.

I know, usually the too long, didn't read goes at the bottom, but hey, stop now instead of scrolling to the bottom waiting for me to get to the point.

Almost every person who did the IOP group was on either on disability, lived at home with parents, or if they worked, it was super part time. I'm the only person who squeezed their therapy into a full time job(s). I took a pay cut of roughly a full 8 hour day every week to go to therapy because I had no vacation days and we aren't allotted sick days. I did all this work on myself - heavy emotional work - while maintaining 4 jobs.

This past Thanksgiving weekend, which was supposed to be relaxing and productive, ended up being super stressful as Ser Pounce-a-lot ended up in the emergency vet at 2am on Friday. If you follow me on social media, you know it was super scary. He had a catheter for over 24 hours, wouldn't eat for the staff there, only for me, and stayed for nearly a full 48 hours. At a tune of $1300 this was the last thing I needed.

So, even though my last IOP class was Monday, it's just been an extremely stressful weekend and I'm on the downside of the anxiety. I went home from work Monday because I was in shape to be at work. Tuesday I was a little late. Today I was 30 minutes late.

The office manager is taking over my duties from me (that she doesn't need to?) and my boss is clearly mad at me today. I haven't had a chance to apologize and frankly, it's an apology out of necessity not because I genuinely feel bad?

I'm tired.

To the bone tired.

And yeah, I have plenty of herbal supplements I can be taking to help that, but to be honest, I kind of think that's all a bunch of BS? I need to redo my adrenal test, I'll do that this week. But yeah. I'm literally doing the best I can.

And it's frustrating when your best is failure, you know?

I'm not saying that as a down on myself thing. I'm saying that as a I've had my privileges of taking X-rays revoked because I'm still having trouble with AP lumbar. And only AP lumbar. All the rest I'm pretty fine with. I'm not allowed to do social media anymore. Because... reasons??? I dunno. Like little things have been taken from me.

I'm not a fighter. I'm not going to fight and be all I'll show you! It's like, okay, well if you want to overwork yourself, you do you. But it still shows a failing on my end. They wouldn't be taken away from me if I were handling them. And frankly, maybe I'm not in a place where I can handle them. I don't know.

But I don't think either my boss nor my coworker know how truly bad this year has been for me nor do they realize how sincerely close I've been this year to throwing in the towel. I'm happy to say I'm feel way more stable. The Headache™ is always an issue, but overall, it's better than worse. But I feel like I can think, even if my brain is moving slowly a lot of the time. And having some clarity of thought is pretty big.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Wed Nov 28, 2018 10:19 PM
My boss mentioned - for a second time - about me being possibly a square peg in a round hole. This was after she told me she was writing me up for going home on Monday and for being late today.

I... don’t care?

The first time she wrote me up for being late I was upset and worried. And now I’m just sort of like, you know what? Why not that too?

I don’t think it’s that I’m a poor fit. I think it’s that I’m processing a lot of trauma and dealing with how to be a functioning adult, and I’m doing it while trying to work myself to death. I also took on responsibility that wasn’t originally mine and I frankly have not adapted to it. Being up and at work at 8:30am every morning after teaching until 9pm is not the schedule I started with. I had Tuesday and Thursday mornings to sleep longer and recoup. And I frankly need that extra time. It was my down time.

I don’t +have+ downtime now unless I take away from my sleep time. Like I’m doing right now. That makes it shockingly difficult to function when you’re fighting chronic depression. I’m constantly exhausted.

I got in trouble today for reading a book to a toddler. And for focusing on work on the computer. I need to be focused on the people. But not the toddlers. And I need to do my job, but not be on the computer. People first. But make sure the other stuff on the computer gets done. But listen and jump if you hear jump. Because people first.

Uh. Okay.

Maybe I’m not a fit.

But I don’t know what I would do?

I’m just trying so hard to just get through my days at this point. Honestly I just need a break. I’m tired of feeling constantly exhausted. I’m tired of hearing my coworker tell me she gets it and relate how scary her ex was, yeah I understand, you went through hell and in comparison what I dealt with seems minor. But you’re not me. And you didn’t experience the years of undermining that happened. You haven’t dealt with the weight of the fate of the world on your shoulders as a child. You dealt with more outright abuse, mine was subtle and insidious. And yeah, I’m having trouble.

So I get written up and maybe I start job hunting? Because it sounds like they’re basically done with me. And when people are done with me, I cut my ties. Anyway. It’s after 11pm and I do have to be on time tomorrow. I might get fired on the spot otherwise.
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