Forum: Arts / Diaries

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re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Nov 29, 2018 03:34 PM
Yeahhhh I'm pretty sure they're looking for reasons to let me go. I'm going to make my boss fire me though. I will not give them the benefit of quitting. They can nitpick and look for shit I'm doing wrong and feel justified in their decision, but I will not make it easy them.

I'm gonna be petty about the whole thing.

And maybe, just maybe, I make it through this whole period of emotional upheaval and depression and get to the other side with my job intact. Because, yeah, as I said before, I'm doing the best I can but if I'm failing at my job because my best isn't good enough, well. I mean... I really can't argue with decisions made that are best for the business. But, I also recognize that I've been in a period of severe depression, I just finished heckin outpatient therapy because I'm super not functioning, and I went to outpatient because I was actively suicidal.

I'm gonna cut myself some slack, even if my job can't.

I need to be less rigid.

This is me being less rigid and radically accepting where I am and how bad things have been.

Best case scenario, I can get better and do better and I don't lose my job. This just turns into a blip on the radar. A bad year. Worst case, I find a new job that doesn't demonize medicine. Because without breaking HIPAA, we have a patient who is on multiple antidepressants, and a strong neuropathy/pain med and the doctor and office manager were talking about how awful it was. I mean. No? So, yeah, maybe it is time I move on. I dunno. But I definitely won't give my boss an easy out.

re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Sun Dec 02, 2018 11:57 PM
TMI to follow.

But first...

So I decided to get myself off tonight. It's been a while. >.> So I dusted off the Rabbit (metaphorically), ha, I'd have to trim my nails and they've just got to a decent length I could paint. ANYWAY. I opened up private browsing, got some porn going and got to it, I was already in the mood. Well, as I got there, the name that came out of my mouth wasn't the ex's (good) and sorta surprised me. And like hell I'm telling y'all. A girl gets to have some secrets.

So yeah. I need to get laid. Like ever since I stumbled across the gifs of Aubrey Plaza in a music video where she's in the bathtub smoking, I've been like, I need someone to smash. But my chances of that happening are slim to none. Well, presently both Bumble and Tinder are set to girls and I don't know if I'm just not gay enough or outdoorsy enough or thin enough or what, but I'm remarkably free of matches. And my profile all but says one night stands welcome. I mean, it doesn't actually, but "not looking for a serious relationship, open to possibilities and fun" may as well, you know? What's the Korean word for it? Jumanchu? Yeah. That.

It's nearly 1am and I haven't gone to bed yet. I'm sort of dreading tomorrow, if I'm honest. Nothing like going to work where you feel like your every move is being critiqued and criticized. On Friday it apparently took me 45 minutes to fix the Christmas tree - basically, add in stuff and hang a dozen ornaments. So the tree looked... scraggly. And I was having to place and twist tie into place new stuff to fill out the holes of the 20 year old tree and make it look less sad. Well, I was waiting on a patient and overheard that conversation, so I made a point to say that I used that time to interact with the patients and engage with them. As she asked me to do. I didn't say the last part, but seriously, she asked me to be more personable. So I was.

Don't bitch at me for taking time when I'm just following orders.

Also my TMB certification went through. Hooray. So all is good on that end.

I have my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow and she'll probably prescribe the 5mg of Trintellix for me. I don't know why I'm nervous? It's not like I'm going to be committed or anything. I'm actually feel pretty okay. Petty and passive-aggressive, but okay. Also, no one does petty like my family. It's actually why I made the big FB post about my depression, which has me feeling a bit over exposed, if I'm honest.

I figure if my boss is going to nitpick my work and try to find a reason to fire me, I'm letting everyone know what I'm struggling with. That way there's a public record of it. I'm not looking to be the victim if I get fired, but I do want there to be public record that yeah, depression friggin sucks and it's hard and I'm trying. And if they fire me now, after everything else, just because I don't miraculously have my shit together, well, that's kind of sleazy. Texas is a right-to-work state and we have less than 15 employees so they wouldn't be breaking the American Disability Act, so technically I could be fired first thing Monday morning, if my boss wanted, and there really isn't any recourse for me. It's not illegal. Will they look really bad? Yup. Is that my intention? Yup. However, not my business, not my decision, and again, my best right now is not my best from two years ago. I'm struggling a lot. But the least I can do is make them look bad too.

Petty. I could do more should I choose, but I do actually like my job and want to keep it - despite being told twice I'm a square peg in a round hole.

Okay folks, I'm going to go shower and sleep. Night y'all.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Tue Dec 04, 2018 12:47 PM
I got written up today. Fun times. My boss, for the third time, mentioned being a square peg in a round hole.


I also found out yesterday that my insurance doesn't cover Trintellix and even after the coupon, it costs more than I pay for insurance a month. After the $75 discount a one month supply is $275.97. So I need to talk to my psychiatrist about that because I can't afford that.

Time to work.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Dec 20, 2018 03:48 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2018-12-20 16:54:45
I have angered the universe.

I'm not even sure where to start, to be honest. Let me post some of my Facebook and Twitter posts to get y'all caught up.

On Sunday the 9th I filled in for someone at job 4 and I was tired coming home and driving slowly. Car behind me pulls around and next to me at the light. I glance over at a tired looking black woman alone in a car.

I rest my head in my hand, elbow on the door at the window and watch the light. I glance to my right the see a white guy with his phone out filming the woman and in the few seconds I glance over, the light turns green and my instinct kicks in and I go. I look in my rear view mirror and watch the guy throw himself against her car and not let her leave.

My autopilot has me driving home when my brain wakes up and goes, WAIT. WHAT? NO. SHE DID NOTHING WRONG. I mean even if she accidentally cut him off, he was being hateful and extreme.

No no no no no no no.

I took the first exit and went back. I could not let him act that way. Hopefully she was still in her car. I’ll white person the white person, I was a witness. He’s not getting away with being a vicious, hateful bully.

I got there as the guy got back in his car. I tried to pull up along the woman’s car on the right to ask if she was okay but the light turned green the lady took off. So I got between her and the guy’s car.

I tried to drive slower. She turned right onto a side street and I followed. So did the guy behind me - which is why I followed her. She flew down the road. I went oh-so-slow up to the speed limit of 25mph. The car behind me tried to go around but I wouldn’t let them. They finally U-turned and left. I continued driving, making sure I didn’t see her car wrecked anywhere.

To that lady, I’m sorry. I am so sorry I didn’t immediately respond to your situation. I know I came back, and I hope I helped in some small way, but I should have reacted sooner. You should not have had to endure that racist jerk. You should not have been forced to be afraid and alone in the dark. I am so sorry that I didn’t do something sooner. I hope you’re okay.

And to everyone else, please, see something, DO SOMETHING. That man would have chased her down for what? Cutting him off? Because that’s literally the only thing she +may+ have done. He was out for blood and vengeance. And I’m pretty sure, she, like me, just wanted to go home. I was tired so I was driving and accelerating slowly. My brain was moving slow. She was probably tired so she wanted to get. there. get. home. and not be hung up by a slow poke like me.

Again, wherever you are, I hope you’re okay and I’m sorry my brain didn’t click in sooner about what was happening and how terrifying it must be. I send you as much love and hope as I have.

Monday the 10th. I was on my way to work, going through a green light when a guy in tuck blows through a yield sign and half T-bones me, half sideswipes me. I end up spinning out and facing northbound on the median facing the southbound traffic I was just in. Guy leaves like no big deal.

I was extremely lucky that people stopped for me. And one guy chased down the hit and runner and got pics of his truck and license plate. A very nice woman named Ana is taking me to the hospital because my head hurts, my neck hurts, my shoulder hurts, and my right knee hurts.

I... couldn’t afford the ambulance ride. But I will go to the hospital. I got hit hard.

Ana also stopped us by Starbucks in the nearby Barnes and Noble for the restroom and some comfort coffee. I’m okay-ish. Pain is a 5/10 and given one of my antidepressants is also for pain and pain only really gets up to a 7/10 now, I'm probably worse off than I feel.

I text my dad and my sister to see who can come get me. They both show up at the hospital , which was surprising because I've been so used to taking care of myself. I just needed a ride. I wasn't expecting company. Had I still been with the ex, he sure wouldn't have come sit with me.

They put me in a neck brace just in case. They told me I’d hate it. That it’s protocol until they take xrays. I did. I hate it.

Until it started to feel good. My neck is bueno. I mean, at least skeletally. My headache and the pain on the right side of my C1/C2 is pretty terrible. 5/10 on a muscle relaxer and jumbo hard to swallow ibuprofen.

On the plus side... IT’S NO PANTS MONDAY.

Out of the hospital and back in pants. No broken bones. A pain and muscle relaxer I may fill and not use? Idk. We’ll see.

But I’m okay (I figured I was). Honestly, if I had felt safe to drive I would have gone to work and been checked out there, but since I didn’t, better safe.

My body aches. My car is scheduled to go in for an estimate at 8am tomorrow, at 8:30am the rental place is picking me up. Then I go to work. My boss has fortunately already said that I can go home if I need after I get checked.

I’m genuinely more worried about how I’m taking it. I cried a little at the hospital when I was waiting to be seen. Otherwise I really haven’t had an emotional reaction? It’s just like, no big deal, got in a hit and run going 55mph before 9am, my body hurts, but it’s fine.

So yeah. My knees hurt. My neck hurts. My back hurts. I have cervical and lumbar whiplash. Oh, and apparently lumbar degeneration. Cool.

My car hopefully can be repaired. I say hopefully. There’s fortunately no engine damage. But the driver’s side door, driver’s side panel, driver’s mirror, two hubcaps, and the soft underbumper (if that’s a separate piece?) need to be replaced.

The big question is, is the car going to be worth that much or will the repairs exceed the value? Because even if it gets totaled, I’ll still owe on that loan. That loan I’m still mad about.

The loan that I owe on because when my car was totaled last year, my ex coerced me into giving him the money to pay off +his+ debt for the mattress +he+ purchased instead of letting me pay down my car.

I say coerced. I could do “whatever I wanted to do with the money.” That’s in quotes because if I had paid off my car, I would have had to deal with the mental and emotional consequences of doing so. And I knew it.

It behooved me to give him the money. It made my qualify of life better and at that time I was still actively trying to repair my marriage and be the wife I thought I should be. So instead of being actively antagonist, I did the thing that would bring the most peace.

I regretted it then and I regret it now. But I felt trapped and like I really didn’t have a choice. Yeah, I was given the “choice” but it wasn’t really mine. It was exactly like any money I got back from taxes. I was never allowed to even see it. It was never mine to use.

Same with my paychecks. Money he spent was allowed. Money I spent wasn’t.

I had penpals in other countries I’d mail letters to and send little things, gifts, to them, and they’d send letters and stuff to me.

He became unreasonably angry over the cost of international shipping.

He screamed at me to NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. And that if he EVER SAW THOSE CHARGES AGAIN, SUMAYAH, I’M LEAVING. Funny how people only use my name when they’re upset with me. The moment you start or end a sentence with my name, my brain immediately switches to a sarcastic tone.

But the point is, I was spending some $20 every 6-8 weeks on something for me. Spending money. That’s not allowed. I wasn’t worth spending money on. Or at least that’s how it felt. Meanwhile we divorced with at least 3 PS4s, 4 or more PS3s, two XBOX ONES, and too many 360s.

In the divorce I begrudgingly got one of each. I kept a second PS3 as a screw you. And I made him give me a XBOX ONE. And in keeping with being an asshole, he gave the system, but none of the cords or controllers. Awesome.

So yeah. When I was presented with $8k, can you even imagine what would have happened if I had withheld that to pay off my car?

I was screamed at for $20 of irregular postage fees. Keeping $8k from him? I...


Let’s hope that like the last time, my car can be fixed.

Tuesday, the 11th: I hurt a lot.

Wednesday the 12th, I woke up and felt... normal? So I went to work. And about halfway through the morning I felt really not right. I was having neurological symptoms so my PCP wouldn’t even see me, told me to go the emergency room. CT scan was normal, have post-concussive syndrome.

I was experiencing lightheadedness upon standing, vertigo when I closed my eyes, my vision couldn’t hold a depth and kept shifting, I couldn’t read easily - typeface was painful to focus on and my brain struggled to connect words to meanings, my coordination was off.

Even now I’m closing my eyes against the small font and backlit screen. At the ER I had trouble recognizing my own name and birthdate because the print was small.

I was hiding from light and sound, light especially. The intake nurse allowed me to wait away from the waiting room.

It was nice to be away from the bustle and chaos. My back and neck muscles were so fatigued, even sitting upright and leaning back was exhausting, so I eventually lay on the floor. Which was better.

The floor was cold, which felt good and supportive. And I couldn’t fall off.

I knew I +wasn’t+ going to fall off the chair, but vertigo man. It seemed safer in my brain.

I got a room and not a cubicle. That mean they could dim the lights. Bless. The Dr gave me the concussion follow-my-finger test, which I failed spectacularly. He didn’t say that, but...

It’s kind of obvious when I can’t keep my eyes open and focused on his finger long enough to complete the test and have to close and open and try to refocus them. Also my touch my nose, touch his finger was like molasses. My normally quick reflexes were trudging slowly along.

They gave me a ketorolac shot for pain (I have a prescription for ketorolac pills for my migraines, they aren’t narcotic, they’re a step below), did the ct scan to rule out anything worse, ruled it was post-concussive syndrome, and sent me home with a doctor’s note to rest my brain and not work for the next few days.

In related news, yesterday my baby car Fia was on the threshold for being a total loss. Right now she can still be repaired. The insurance company authorized a tear down and so long as there’s no further damage, she’ll be alright. If they do find more... she’ll be totaled.

Checked today and it seems the tear down actually +lowered+ the cost, so it’s looking good that she’ll be fixable and not totaled. Praise! I’m extraordinarily relieved about that, let me tell you.

Fast-forward to Monday the 17th. I call my insurance to see if there's been any updates on the car. Ha. No. No one has done a damn thing. The left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing and the body shop is waiting for someone to give them permission to proceed with a teardown. Also that lower estimate? That's wrong. It's the higher estimate. I talk to both the body shop and insurance company on Monday. I talk to my insurance and the body shop and my insurance again on Tuesday. Wednesday I end up late for work because finally someone has something to tell me - the body shop calls while I'm getting ready for work and tell me that they have permission to call the number to get the authorization for the tear down. +SIGH+ But more troubling, my right front tire is bent, not just the hubcap, but the tire. And if my suspension is off, that alone will push it over.

So I show up and late and the office manager says "this is a problem." I say, "I've been calling the body shop and my insurance daily, they didn't do +anything+ last week because of confusion. I needed to take this call." "You need to put your job first." "Well, given they aren't sure whether they're going to total it, I needed to know how they were preceding." "But it you don't have a job it won't matter if you have a car." I just... what? ><

Now this morning. This morning in my rental I get rear-ended. Not hard, not badly, but enough to do minor damage. But a Sheriff sees it happenyn. So instead of exchanging insurance info and going on our way, the Sheriff calls the local police and we have to wait on them. The local police who I swear were on the other side of the planet. So what should have taken 15 minutes took nearly 90. The only good thing is the guy can’t fight it. Since it’s a rental car and my insurance, he can’t deny since the Sheriff was there.

But I get to work (after I stop for breakfast tacos and coffee because let’s be real, I’m aready late, what’s ten more minutes?) and tell my office manager about what happened. “Well I would have said I don’t have the time and I had to get work.” Because clearly my priorities are skewed. I’m not putting work first in my life. Forget about waiting for the police who have already been called out by the state Sheriff. Just tell him, THANKS BUT NO THANKS. I HAVE TO GET TO WORK ON TIME.

That’s starting to sound like an abusive relationship, you know?

I understand that +this year+ I’ve had a really hard time with showing up on time. I’m also dealing with the worst depression I’ve had in a very long time. I’m dealing with trying to make my life better. Emotionally and mentally. I took on job expectations and hours that my body isn’t coping with. The fact that every Friday I go to bed at 8pm or earlier and sleep until 10am Saturday morning shows that I’m exhausted. The group therapist could see it. I was having skills breakdown points because I’m so exhausted I can’t cope. I’m going to work on my resume over Christmas break. Maybe it’s time for a change.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Dec 20, 2018 09:07 PM
I feel like... like this dark cloud is following me around.

I’m trying, I’m genuinely trying to seek a positive perspective. Despite everything, I kept things light, I tried not to get sucked into my depression. I’ve been doing palms up/half smile/sitting upright. I’ve not been letting myself sit in my emotions, I made Christmas cards, I’ve been doing everything thing I can to be upbeat.

But happiness is eluding me. It’s like... I swear y’all, tell me what deity I’ve pissed off and I’ll burn incense on it’s alter. I’ll sacrifice a goat. A virgin. A virgin goat. I’ll light a candle, I’ll say a prayer. Just tell me who I’ve mortally offended and I’ll make it right.

Because I’m starting to feel like maybe I don’t get to be happy. That it’s too big an ask. That my life is just destined to be full of unhappiness and nothingness. I don’t get a prize. I don’t get satisfaction. I live and I die and that’s all that happens. It’s why I had a hard time reconciling my suicidal thoughts. The fact that I haven’t found any meaning. I’m just existing. And I’m not suicidal. But this damn dark cloud is making me feel like I’m just doomed to ennui and melancholy. Doom and gloom over here.

I just want to be happy. Just for a while.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Sat Dec 22, 2018 03:21 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2018-12-22 15:41:34
I’m absolutely burying Shadow before the New Year. I’ve known it’s been coming. But I don’t think he’s been eating or drinking. He’s so weak. His allergies are so bad and I gave him half a Zyrtec (safe for kitties) to help and went after his nose so that he wasn’t so clogged up. I put him down and he collapsed. I opened a can of wet food and he started eating it ravenously and then he stopped. I don’t want to just put him down if the Zyrtec will help. He may just need a moment to let the meds kick in so his face doesn’t hurt and then he’ll eat and feel better. But he’s been declining quickly. I genuinely don’t think he’ll see 2019, or if he does, he won’t live long into it. He is at least 16 and he’s suffered major health problems so, he’s actually lived a long time. My heart just hurts for him.

ETA: He ate a good amount of wet food and he’s resting again. I’m just keeping fingers crossed that he eats more and starts to feel better. I really don’t need my cat dying with everything that’s been going on.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Tue Dec 25, 2018 01:43 PM
Cat update. Shadow is breathing better since starting him on the Zyrtec. Poor cat and his seasonal allergies.

My body hurts. I’m so achy. My neck and shoulders and back of my head. I was feeling better until that rearending. But my Christmas has been good.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Dec 27, 2018 03:05 PM
I started cleaning my bathroom.

I’m laying down because my heart is racing, I’m nauseated, and my head is pounding. Why can’t I just clean? Why am i about to burst in tears?
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Sun Dec 30, 2018 06:15 PM
I’ve got a migraine today.

I feel like I haven’t been talking to y’all much. It’s been starts and stops and maybe I should go back and let y’all know what all has happened. To be fair, as you know, I’ve been recovering from a concussion, dealing with work, the holidays, my cat, finances, emotional burdens, etc.

My car. It appears Fia is going to be okay? I received an update on Wednesday and Monday that it was on schedule to be done on the 10th. So that’s a positive.

Here’s where I’ve run into trouble. So, remember how my insurance did jack shit the first full week? I was in the hit and run on the 10th, I had the claim files on the 10th, I had it to the body shop at 8am on the 11th at which time I got my rental. On the 12th I was diagnosed with the concussion and I slept a lot until Monday the 17th. That was when I found out my insurance hadn’t done... anything. At all. For almost a full week. At a covered $50 a day, I have limited time with my rental. And 4 days was wasted because nothing happened with my car.

I’m the reason they have the witness names and numbers, the police report, the license plate of the vehicle who fled the scene. I mean they didn’t call me for that info, I had to call them. I called and left a message for my claim handler before the holidays since I’m off until Wednesday as to whether I should return the rental or hang onto it and to call me back to advise me. She never called. I had to call again. A few days ago. Tick tock. I’m calling again on Monday.

In the middle of this Shadow has been declining. He’s losing weight. His breath is terrible. It smells rotten. Like his insides are dying. And the cheapest I find for euthanasia is $100 which is more than I want to kill my cat. :/ I keep hoping he’ll pass peacefully in his sleep.

I had the thing where I fell into a skills breakdown. Because cleaning. I talked to my therapist and read her the conversation between me and K.

Me: Hey
K: Yo
Me: You up for a quick pep talk? Text pep talk?
K: Sure. Whichever if you still can’t text. [because of the concussion I was having major difficulty texting, my fine motor skills were really off]
Me: Not talking talking. I’m not up for talking. [I was crying too hard]
K: Gotcha. What’s going on?
Me: I’m trying to calm down. Having a small anxiety attack. Heart racing, nauseated, head pounding. Started crying.
K: I’m sorry doll. Those are terrible.
Me: I’m just trying to clean my bathroom. That’s it.
K: Everyone says deep breaths, but that never works for me.
K: What triggered you?
Me: I cleared out the trash. I was about to prevacuum the floor (cat litter) before I started to wipe stuff down.
Me: Cleaning
Me: I even started to remind myself I’m doing this for +me+ and no one’s going to judge me and I don’t even have to finish it today, I can do as much or as little as I want.
K: Oh sweets. I’m so sorry. That’s terrible that it’s affecting you like that.
Me: But I realized I was doing the same procrastination thing I’d do when the ex was at work and I’d dread it so much, that I’d put it off too long and the I wouldn’t be done by the time he got home and then he’d be furious.
Me: And I don’t know why I’m procrastinating.
K: But he’s never going back there again.
K: First off, everyone procrastinates. You’re ok.
Me: No. I start and then I just stop. In the middle. Like I can’t keep going. I do everything else. I watch tv, I play games, I get on the internet. Anything but finishing it.
K: Secondly, you’ve been though a bunch! Depression makes you procrastinate and disinterested.
K: Thirdly, you were in a car accident that hurt your brain. You’re probably dstill recovering.
Me: I’ve done this since I was a child. I’d be told to clean my room and suddenly in the middle, stop and decide that instead, I was going to rearrange all my drawers. Every sock perfectly aligned.
K: And lastly, it’s a trigger. You were abused and this is part of the abuse.
Me: And because I do this, I’d get yelled at. Told I didn’t love him enough. I didn’t care. Didn’t care about him or the house. That I wanted to live in squalor.
Me: That he couldn’t do it. That he couldn’t live that way. That he was going to leave.
Me: That I had to be consistent.
K: And he left. And you are so much better off.
Me: Why couldn’t I be consistent.
Me: Every week.
Me: Every week
K: Clean when you want, how you want.
Me: Or if I took the week off he’d be more awful
Me: Because then the house would be so disgusting.
Me: And I look at the bathroom and I can’t remember when I cleaned it last and it is filthy. Dirty. Actually disgusting.
K: It makes total sense that your bathroom is dirty. It was probably cathartic to leave it be.
Me: And I’m going to have to scrub the walls and the floor and steam the carpet and the mirrors and and baseboards and the lightbulbs even one cracked last time and all the fixtures and the inside of the tub and the outside and the shower curtain and the tile and I have a toothbrush for the grout and I need to clean the pictures and the sinks and everything in there and it’s so much
K: And you are trying to clean it. Baby steps so you’re not overwhelmed.
Me: And I need to pull everything out of the cats closet and sanitize it
K: Start with the countertop. Then chill for a bit. Then move onto another area. Then chill for a bit.
Me: And and there’s so much and the windowsill has black mold and I need to bleach it and there’s stuff on the floor in the closet and my bedroom is a wreck and the downstairs hasn’t been vacuumed in forever
Me: I feel like a failure
K: It’s a lot of cleaning that needs to be fine. Cut it into bite sized pieces that you can deal with. Even if they’re little tiny bites.
Me: I can’t even keep up with life
Me: I can’t do it
Me: Ive never been able to do it
K: You’re not a failure. Look at all you’ve been through.
K: You’re still trying and that’s important.
Me: Ive never been good enough and Im still not and I can’t do it
Me: I can’t do it
K: Stop letting you’re depression and anxiety lie to you. That’s not true.
K: You can do it. You are doing it.
K: And you’re doing it all in the face of a lot of life changes and stress.
K: You’re good enough.
K: I love you and you deserve my love.
Me: Now Im remembering why I drink when I clean
K: I can totally understand that.
Me: I’m doing palms up sitting tall and half smile.
Me: And I’m reaching out.
Me: I know I’m having a skills break down.
K: You’re doing good. I’m proud of your efforts.
Me: I’m using skills
Me: This the first one [skills breakdown] in a month [the last was after Pounce’s hospitalization]
K: And that’s the important part. You’re trying.
K: That’s great! Less frequent is way better.
Me: Okay. I’m okay.

And I was. I walked in the bathroom, looked at it, walked out and decided I was done. My therapist said that my response was a fight or flight response. I freeze, get paralyzed. Because I couldn’t fight or run, I just had to stand there and take it, I’ve formed deep neural pathways from the front of my brain, the thinking part, to that fight or flight place in the back. That it’s a trauma reaponse. She asked if he had ever physically abused me. He never did. He never had to. Even as a child, I responded to verbal punishments more than getting a spanking. So the verbal/emotional abuse actually was possibly worse for me, because if he had hit me, I would have hit him back, but talking down to me, it was psychological and more powerful. It chipped away me.

I also explained my perfectionist tendencies and how my mom did one thing right, she talked to a doctor when I was little who told her to allow me to have a mess. That I was such a perfectionist in so many things at such a you g age that I needed an outlet to be messy - my room for instance. So even when my mom would have me clean my room, the expectation was to put away laundry, wipe surfaces, make the bed. Not a big deal, just, clean your room. The ex found that perfectionist need in me and dug into it, ground it in until it broke in me.

But I did recover faster. It wasn’t the whole day ruined. And the next day I was pretty okay.

Oh also, I got a tattoo. I had some Christmas gift cards from patients. Patients treat us well. I decided I wanted a present for myself instead of just paying bills with it. Irresponsible. But, I’ve been extremely responsible. Pounce’s Care Credit is down to $550. I’m hoping I’ll get a tax return and I can throw some more money at it.

My medical bills I’ll be able to pay off over time. I’m actually not worried about those. I can schedule them for a recurring monthly payment. It’ll take me a good while to pay off $1600 but it’s doable. I have a plan for my cresit card debt too. So +fingers crossed+ I don’t have any more crazy things happen to me.

Alright y’all. 💙
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By ChristinePremium member
On Wed Jan 16, 2019 02:29 PM
Hey Baby...

Just stopping by to offer you some New Year's hugs....


Hope this is a great year.


Keep On Dancing*
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Wed Jan 16, 2019 05:00 PM
(((hugs))) Christine!

Sorry for the radio silence, y'all. If it isn't one thing, it's another. 2019 is going to be the year that the shitstorm hurricane I've been living in doesn't destroy me and force me to rebuild. Again. Because shit is flying, and so far (a grand 16 days into the year), I'm doing okay.

There is the subject of my car.

It's not done.

I know.

It should have been totaled.

At $4k+ it should have been totaled. But! In Texas it can go up to the full cost of the car, so $6.3k in my case, and yeah, it will. However, I will be left with a working car, and I won't be stuck owing a grand on a car that I don't have and having to buy another car and deal with those payments - especially with no down payment. So yeah, I'll take this.

Or I will.

When it's done.

At some undetermined point in the future.

Whenever that is.

There's the subject of my love life.

Wellll ... that's a stretch. I was flirting with someone, but she canceled on me twice - legit emergency the first time - and then second time was... not exactly an emergency. She needed to deal with some personal family stuff, but, it wasn't broken limbs. Her ex-husband was playing drama games with their kid (who is an adult btw, a teen, but an adult). So basically, grown kid could have chilled out for an hour or so while we met for lunch.

I had my feelings hurt, felt a little upset and annoyed (that would be 1.75 on the sad and mad scales, respectively) and decided to set some personal boundaries. I told her, look it's not you it's me, I'd still love to go out with you, but your life is crazy right now (she also just moved), hit me up when things have calmed down. She appreciated my honesty. And I had a healthy reaction to a minor disappointment and removed myself from a situation where I would be triggered and upset. I also left the door open for the future, because I get it, sometimes life just blindsides you and sucks you under.

There's the subject of the mysterious $330+ water bill.

Uh guys. I think we have a leak.

Not in the house.

Turn out, the water softener system the ex put in, the plumber was "half-professional." I paid close to $1900 for a plumber to come out and fix the problem. It is now actually fixed.

Except I now have to pay $200 a month to pay that loan off, because like the Care Credit, the company they deal with has HIGH interest rates. But they do a year interest free. So there's that. Care Credit is at $450 and change.

But my water bill should be lower from now on. So that's a thing. The plumber also told me to take my invoice of his work to the City Hall (where our water is billed) and show them we had a leak and maybe they'll help out on the cost. Couldn't hurt to ask. I'd rather ask than pay $300+ again.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Jan 17, 2019 07:45 AM
Shadow is going to die today.

I let him sleep with me last night. I’m surprised made it through the night. He’s wasted away to skin and bones. He stopped eating and drinking, he can barely stand. He’s so frail. I... think I caused it. The escalation. He had started to pee on the catpet so I put him in the litter box closet. And I forgot. I forgot about him. I forgot about him for a full day. No water or food. He couldn’t even meow when I remembered and released him, then when I got some water in him (via syringe) his meow was so soft and sad. Like he knew. He knew he was dying.

So he slept with me last night. And I feel like the worst pet parent ever. Who dors that?

I put him on a blanket in the window so he can have subshine. But I don’t expect him to be alive when I get home. I’m now running late to work because I took time to say goodbye to him. Sweet boy. I’m sorry he’s suffering. I wish I could be there with him for his last day, but work wouldn’t understand. I’m gonna hear about it for being late. But I needed to say goodbye.

I hope it’s an easy trip over the rainbow bridge.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By ChristinePremium member
On Thu Jan 17, 2019 09:14 AM
I am so sorry about your cat. Our pets truly are members of the family and it is the worst kind of pain to watch them suffer and to let them go.

I hope you are finally using up all your bad luck. You have certainly had more than your fair share. xoxo

More hugs... xoxo

Keep On Dancing*
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Tue Jan 22, 2019 01:12 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2019-01-22 14:19:59
So. I was right.

Shadow died that day. He died in my arms. He waited though. He waited 13 hours for me to come home from work before he did. But I scooped him up and curled him on my chest and after a little bit he gave a big sigh and that was it.

I buried him in the backyard. We have a regular pet cemetery going on back there. I have no idea what the local laws are, but c’mon, it’s Texas, if you can’t bury your dead pets in the backyard as per tradition then really, is it Texas? Also, if anyone in the future digs them up and freaks out, analysis will show the animals were old and died of natural causes. So. +shrug+

Friday I cried and grieved. Appropriately. I drank. In moderation. And yeah. It wasn’t this huge fallout I’ve had before. Progress, kids!

The weather has been kicking my ass. I don’t have a migraine today, I did last week, but I can feel my tension headache pushing through my meds. Well, it may also be a migraine? Because my pain levels are so dulled down, I know when I do feel stuff like this, it would be terrible awful and not just ow my heads this sucks. It’s enough to know what’s going on. Anyway, it’s hard to describe. It’s like... when you’re running a high fever, like 104F or more, and your head hurts so badly it’s all you can think about and then you take a couple Tylenol, and it’s like the volume on the pain gets turned down and you still feel like shit and your head still hurts and you still kinda want to die, but it goes from a 10 to a 3 and you can at least sleep or sit up without feeling like you’re going to implode. I don’t know, that’s probably a bad analogy. Needless to say, I feel like crap, but I don’t want to destroy myself to make the pain stop.

I’m presently sitting in my car at the grocery store, because I’m crazy broke and checked my bank account and realized I have no money to buy the $3 salad I thought I did. In fact I have -$50. Wheeeee. So instead of eating lunch, I’m just taking a break. The minute I step back in the office, whether I had food to eat or not, it’s back to work, and I just need a break.

The Office Manager, who I like as a person, but not as my manager, was pointing out my many mistakes from last week. I have discovered I respond better to praise and constructive criticism than just criticism. You tell me the things I’m doing wrong and I’ll damn sure fix them miserably just so I don’t get in trouble again. Tell me what I’m doing right and where I can improve and I’ll work to fix my mistakes happily and try to go above and beyond. Criticism cuts right to the base of me and leaves me going, guess I suck and I can’t do it. It’s not a rallying cry. It shuts me down. I know a lot of people hear what they’re doing wrong and it challenges them, makes them go “Oh yeah, watch me do better, I’ll show you!” But with me, I literally go, “Oh, yeah, I guess you’re right. I did make that mistake. I totally forgot.” And then I don’t want to touch whatever it is again. Healthy coping skills. :/

I’ve already sent out a couple of resumes. I’m going to post to one of those job sites where the people come to you. Post my resume and see what happens. Because last week was great. And if the office was bigger, I could deal with my office manager. But it’s not. It’s too small. Me and her and the doctor. There’s no escape from it. And it’s severely causing my to have issues with my mood. So, yeah, no, done.

Alright y’all. Love ya!

ETA: My second boss is pissed I took an hour lunch. Yah. I did. Sorry not sorry. Yeah, we had a patient at 2pm. Guess I'm out of ducks. However, I did just work almost five and half hours without a break and we usually work until 5:30 or 6:00 or 6:30. Sooooo.... took an hour. Even if we quit at 5:00pm today, I will have worked 7 hours and 40 minutes. Twenty minutes shy of an 8 hour work day. And since I don't exactly get 15 minute breaks to screw around, HOUR LUNCH. BE MAD. I also have to teach tonight.

This is why I need a new job. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of changing directions and modes and being happy perky on at all times IT'S EXHAUSTING. I'M EXHAUSTED. Going from chiropractic to podiatry in 30 minutes is more than my brain can deal with. I cannot do it. Physically and mentally I cannot do it. I need to downtime.

Just shouting into the universe. Okay y'all. Time to put my resume up on ziprecruiter.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Wed Jan 23, 2019 07:24 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2019-01-23 08:47:59
When I got to the studio last night, my head was killing me. And I was unreasonably exhausted. I turned off the office light and curled up on the cement floor and buried my head in my jacket hood and closed my eyes for about 45 minutes while jazz was going on. My body was just wiped.

The negativity at work is having a physical reaction on me. Between that and storm fronts, last night was rough. I have to find a new job. This is physically harming me to stay.

Fortunately I was able to rest enough to reboot for ballet and we had a good class. But I shouldn't need to curl up in the fetal position for 45 minutes in order to physically and mentally be okay enough to teach.

ETA: Head is still killing me. Not a migraine. It's the tension headache. Vision of both eyes is messed up. Neck feels like bricks. Scalp feels tight. Cheers.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Jan 24, 2019 03:27 AM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2019-01-24 08:55:43
I’m not allowed coffee after the noon hour anymore. Because I’ve basically been awake since before 2am, my body uncomfortably tossing and turning.

A few things.

1) This headache is making me crazy. It’s not painful. It’s a 3, maybe a 4, on the scale. But it this weird sensation, my head hurts, and even though the pain is super manageable, my body knows and is reacting to it like it’s an eight or a nine. Logically I know my head doesn’t really hurt. Instinctually, I feel awful.

More to add gonna try sleep.

2) I need to stop being so self absorbed. When I talk to others, I bring the conversation back to myself. I've been working on this, so that I'm showing real sympathy and empathy, and not just waiting for my turn to talk. I catch myself about half the time right now.

3) I told the Office Manager about my conversation with the Dr and how they need to put an ad out and she's supportive. So, basically I've got blessings to go therefore and find a job.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Mon Feb 11, 2019 03:46 PM
Edited by Sumayah (204191) on 2019-02-11 19:54:04
I have... so much. But I'm going to skip a bunch and go straight to the point that I need to talk to my boss because the Office Manager basically made it sound like I'm notice.

Like as soon as they hire someone, I'm done. I need to ask my boss when my expiration date is. End of day? End of the week? End of the pay period? End of the month? When do I need a job by?

I was really sick last week, called the doctor sick, and I think maybe they thought I was just blowing off work to job hunt and go on interviews? No. I couldn't eat food from Wednesday until Friday night. I barely consumed fluids. I was frickin ill.

So yeah. I feel really disheartened today.

ETA: Okay. Basically, I need to submit a letter of resignation and trust the universe that I’ll have a job by the end of February. Essentially, my boss doesn’t want to fire me and have to deal with justifying why I was fired, i.e. being late, the warnings, etc. But yeah, basically, it’s time and I need to go, is what it boils down to. She also said that it doesn’t have to be set in stone. That at the end of the two or three weeks, if I don’t have a job and they don’t have a new CA, we can play it by ear. And also, if I find something before the two or three weeks and they want me to start right away, we can also talk about that to make it happen. Same with interviews. Just to have open communication and she wants what’s best for me.

It’s just. I hope I can find something. It’s time to start job hunting in earnest.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Feb 14, 2019 11:48 AM
Sit with me.

I need to just outpour everything. This may get triggering? I don’t know? But I need to say everything.

Also, this is going to be TL:DR, so get comfortable.


I’m not even sure where to begin? I’m going to rehash a lot of stuff before getting to new stuff. I think that will make the most sense to me, so if you’re a long-time reader, you may know all this stuff, but I need to process it sequentially.

Got divorced, hooray. But that financially put me in a precarious place. Before the divorce, I had opened a credit card in my name, with the intent of it being a travel card. I’d put gas on it and pay it off and when miles accrued, I’d be able to travel. It had a $10,000 limit but I never expected to even get over $1000. I put $500 on it to get the mile bonus – but that was airline tickets to visit SM and Naoise as well as an optometrist visit with new glasses and prescription as well as my first ever nice sunglasses.

With the ex’s approval, a trip to Seattle and SCCC was planned. The tickets to which also went on the card. It was my gift to my little sister and her now wife that I got all of our 4 day passes. My plane tickets went on there. But everything could be paid off in a reasonable amount of time, a year with low payments – more than minimum, but not stressful because there was 0 interest for a year. With two incomes, it was no problem.

Went on my trip, didn’t spend much. Came home, declared we were getting divorced. Lawyers fees went on that card. Three months mortgage payments of over $1100 went on there. Bills went on there. A mattress and box-spring went on there. I opened a Rooms-To-Go card and got furniture. I have a Lowe’s card and bought necessities – like a fricking ladder that the ex took. Bought some concert tickets.

Went to Seattle and spent too much money. Hit that $10,000 limit while I was there.

I had also opened a bank credit card with a $5000 limit. My sister got fired, my nephew’s job screwed him over. I covered an extra $250 towards bills one month, $750 the next. Trying to just pay my minimums I ended up maxing out that card too.
I ran out of vacation time in the spring.

My depression became worse and worse. I had a 3 month intractable tension headache that was debilitating. My therapist thought I was having a postictal response in addition to a postdromal response, which meant I was not able to escape the pain cycle which was causing my depression to worsen. Work became excruciating because I was so light sensitive. My doctor changed my meds and that helped The Headache™ but I was still having suicidal ideation and that was increasing in intensity.
Eventually, the ideation turned into cutting. And then I had a plan and I knew when and how, but I lacked the conviction to actually follow through with it. But every time I drove past the spot I had it planned, I wanted to turn the wheel and just do it. I fantasized about driving head on into cement restraining walls or flipping off of overpasses. But that one spot, my muscles twitched to turn the wheel, go over the side, hit the water, drown.

A very good friend who was following this diary saw how very dark and hopeless I had become, gave me tough love, recommend I pursue in or outpatient intensive therapy. I did. I got into an IOP DBT class for 10 weeks. I didn’t have time off, so I just ate the lost wages from leaving work early and arriving late.

During that time, Ser Pounce-a-lot had a blocked bladder over Thanksgiving and needed to go to the emergency vet at 2am. He was put on a catheter and it cost around $1300, that I didn’t have. I opened a Care Credit account. Sunday he came home. Monday was my last DBT class. I had a skills breakdown, too many emotions, stress, everything and had to leave work. I attended my last class. I was late to work the following day because depression was weighing me down.

I got written up for the third time.

Every time I was written up last year, it’s because of my depression. But because of how small out office is, ADA laws don’t apply. So, it doesn’t matter that I’m under doctor’s care for my depression, we have less than 11 employees so they don’t have to make disability allowances. It was held against me that I was upset due to a cat. He’s not even 2 and I’m going through a lot of emotional stress, so yeah, I was upset because of my cat. I’m processing the best I can.

December, I get T-boned in a hit-and-run and wind up taking the week off – also without pay. I end up in the hospital twice – whiplash: cervical and lumbar and then two days later with post concussive syndrome. I still have trouble with word recall. The claims agent does nothing for a week. I get rear-ended in the rental car.


New Years.

I get a more than $330 water bill. I have a leak. Finally find it outside. Get a plumber out and $1900 later it’s fixed. I still don’t have my car. Talk to the detective, it’s impossible to track the driver. Might be able to get time off work compensation with the state? But that won’t be soon. Get car back, pay $250 deductible, a week later the window breaks. The mechanism the raises/lowers the window anyway. Still waiting on that replacement part.

I had a migraine, 8/10 last week and then had a possible mild virus on top of it. I wound up calling off the whole week. From work and the studio. I had an anxiety attack. I was hyperventilating. I texted SM. I texted K. Nothing. I called SM. Hoped she’d see the notification. Called K. She answered. I couldn’t answer. She could hear the dog barking, I couldn’t speak. I hung up. I texted her. She called back and talked me down until I could breathe, until I could speak. It took 20 minutes. My brain didn’t function well because it was so depleted of oxygen.

On February 1st, my health insurance deducted my premium plus $120 more. I’ve been trying to sort this problem since last year. I’ve been told all my payments were made. They… weren’t? Because of the hold my bank had put on the debits it looked like I had but no. I had called the week before in January to figure out the issue. No issue, don’t worry about it.

I had $7 not enough in my account. So now I have overdrawn fees of $40. Then my dental insurance goes through. And another $40. A $0.99 iTunes song I had purchased before the first gets debited. Another $40. I end up with -$220. My dance paycheck gets me up to -$60. My work paycheck isn’t enough to cover my mortgage. I split into a half payment and a half late payment.

I come back to work this week and find out I’m fired-not-fired. I’m requested to submit my letter of resignation. For two or three weeks. I choose three weeks because while I’ve been job hunting, I’ve been choosy about it. I don’t have a job lined up. Basically she doesn’t want to pay unemployment. And since I’ve been written up four times, all for being late and not doing my job to expectations, because… depression, but ADA exempt, it would be. Yeah. So I write the letter. What choice do I have?

I don’t know how I’m going to pay my mortgage.

I don’t have a job.

I had to take Ser Pounce-a-lot to the vet this morning. He’s completely blocked again. I’m within $200ish of paying off the Care Credit. I’ll be putting $1800-$2500 on it so he can be cathed, and then when he’s had fluids and is comfortable, they’re going to remove his penis to widen his urethra. He’s still not two years old. I should get him home this weekend or Monday.

So, I’m basically fired and spending money I don’t and won’t have so my cat doesn’t die and I can’t tell anyone. And that’s just this week.

And the suicidal ideation is coming back. I have therapy tomorrow. We were going to talk ED and body dysmorphia but I think that needs to wait.

Think good thoughts for me. I’m overwhelmed.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Thu Feb 21, 2019 10:10 AM
Why am I here today? Why make me work this last day? This is stupid.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Sun Mar 10, 2019 08:19 PM

Hey guys.

It’s been really up and down. Sorry for the radio silence but I’ve been unable to write lately. Which is unusual, typically words pour out of me. Maybe it’s because therapy has been going well, and talking things out is how I process, but I haven’t been able to sit down and maybe process it fully?

I’ve been trying really hard to stay positive and upbeat and take things as they come but it’s hard.

I... don’t have a job. My parents bailed me out so I could make my bills. People have contributed to a GoFundMe I started which has helped with gas for my cat and making some bills. But without my parents I wouldn’t have made my mortgage.

A lot has happened. I’m just not up for going through it. But I had my first pmdd depressive/intrusive thoughts episode in about six months. I cut for the first time since October. And it wasn’t enough. I felt hopeless and I decided that I wanted to just be done and I was going to get in my car and just go end things. I called one person I care about, and left a message saying I loved them and got dressed and left my house. I realized what I was about to do and went to my parents house. I stayed there for 4 hours, my dad took me to my therapy appointment where we realized it was hormonal which was helpful. Once my period started all my symptoms and issues went away. So all the stuff I’ve been dealing with I’m still dealing with, but I know what’s going on. I’m not exactly okay. But I’ve been worse.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Fri Mar 15, 2019 08:46 AM
It’s weird. I’m experiencing what I guess is “classic depression” right now. Zero motivation, I’m either sad or completely apathetic, I just sit. Before, my brain felt rotten and wrong, and I don’t have that now. I don’t have those dark, sticky fingers making my brain bad. I’m just really, really depressed. And it’s sort of weird because it’s not the depression I’m used to. I sort of don’t know how to handle it. I have therapy today and I’ll bring it up.

In other news, the side effect of dreaming hasn’t gone away from medications. I’m actively have loads of dreams like most people do now. I’d had only a rare few detailed sex dreams before, and I’ve had several now. Featuring Aubrey Plaza. XD I’m super not complaining. My dreams were bizarre and involved me being late to work - blaming new contacts, empty mini fridges in need of water bottles, driving on bizarre roads, being shot at in some conspiracy thing, and having explicit sex with Aubrey Plaza. Welp.

I went grocery shopping for the time in a LONG time yesterday. Going to fix coffee, a bagel, and an egg.

Thank you guys for checking on me. It means a lot. 💙
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Sun Mar 17, 2019 04:26 PM
I feel so depressed right now.

I just, I don’t know.

I went to brunch this morning and I feel like all the words coming out of my mouth were said with an overtone of anger, which I didn’t mean. But it’s as though I’m either angry or sad. And sad turns to crying while anger is controllable. And that was when I was participating at all. And not playing with my niece when she was there by way of detatching from the group. The group of my friends.

I’m so not one of these people. I’m not married. I’m not fit. I don’t cook. I don’t eat healthy. I’m not doing anything to make my life better like going to school. I’m just a loser. +starts singing Beck+ “I’m just a loser baby, why don’t you kill me.” +stops singing+ But no really, you should, I’m pretty much a waste of space.

Not having a job has not been good for me. I feel extremely worthless and my ego is taking a hit with every rejection or just... no response. And I’m pushing myself to still stay engaged on social media, but I really just want to withdrawal completely. I’m forcing myself to go be with my bestie since it’s spring break and that means I won’t be leaving my house to even teach. And I don’t think that staying at home for a week and not leaving at all is healthy.

I’m also a bit sad that I had sent a friend a long series of texts and they’ve never responded. Apparently when I sent them, they were doing some pretty significant training that they posted about later, but I sort of have noticed that they’ve slowly been removing themselves from my life for the past couple years, but I’ve ignored it. But I think I take the hint now. They have +a lot+ going on in their life, legitimately, and that obviously takes precedence. They work, volunteer, and have a very time intensive home business that is humanitarian based. So I get it. But I’ve also realized that I’ve ignored their clear needs and keep pushing me and myself on them, and it’s time that I just back off. It’s not like our friendship is over, it’s just that I need give them space away from me. I’m a walking disaster. Everything about me and my life is just... high-maintenance. And no relationship can survive this much intensity of catastrophes in my life. But I do feel sad nonetheless, because it feels like our relationship has changed and it’s lost its closeness. And I don’t think it will ever go back to what it was, but it’s for the best I guess. They will certainly be better off without hearing from me constantly - but then I think everyone is better off not hearing from me.

I’m just full of misery and despair.

Honestly, I’m just hanging in because I don’t know what else to do.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Mon Mar 18, 2019 09:49 AM
Okay once I get out of bed I’m going to make some gluten-free soda bread for K, get my things together for a few days stay. Being not alone will be good.

Maybe got a date off of Tinder? We’ll see.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Wed Mar 20, 2019 12:31 PM
Okay. Trying to figure out where I left off. Or what I already said or didn't say? I don't know.

Still feeling really depressed. I'm at K's house which +was+ a Really Good Idea. Ahhhhhh I love her so much and her family and it's just Such a Good Thing to be here right now. Because even though I still feel depressed and blah and gross and can't find motivation to get out of bed and do anything, just being around people who care about me so much has been really healthy. And I definitely know I would be far worse off had I not made this trip.



I mean, realistically, I'm pretty sure it's as fast or faster to get to K's house as it is to get to Librarian M's and LM lives in South Austin. XD Austin is too friggin' huge. I live north, so driving down a FM or CR or whatever road it is to get 50 minutes and several towns away is the same as driving from north Austin to south Austin. True story.

I think I've depressed her dog though. Rocco seems super bummed. Like he's feeding off my energy and is just MEH. Like when her mom and dad get home he usually gets up to go greet them and last night he was all, imma wag my tail a little and just lay here because why life? WELP.

I need to do some job hunting today but I DON'T WANT TO because reeeejeeecccttttion. +cries in fake despair+ But seriously, rejection or just.... no response at all.... is doing nothing good for me. It's like, hey, here's me, I'm capable, I'm competent, I'm a nice person, but I don't have a bachelor's degree or /specific/ experience, even though my work gives me the experience they're requesting, it's not labeled "The Exact Experience You're Looking For" therefore "We're Going With A More Qualified Applicant" and I just want to scream that I'm am a more qualified applicant that I have tons of experience, years of experience, and if they can't figure that out, then they're super losers and I don't want to work for them anyways except that I super do because being unemployed is eating at my soul and my general well-being.

Clearly I'm upset, given the length of that run-on sentence.




Apparently, I AM the type of person who let's their self-worth get tied up in how much other people value them and whether they can provide for themselves. Also, with the exception of my studio jobs, GWD, and two minor retail jobs, my major jobs I've gotten through other people. Although even just saying those outloud does make me feel a little better. And right now I'm not relying on someone's referral to help me get a big job, I'm relying on me - the mess that I am - to get something. And that's pretty scary, tbh.

So, okay. I can do this right? Right?

Honestly, I'm genuinely worried. But, nothing to do but keep getting out of bed and getting dressed and brushing my teeth and showering, right? Gotta keep trying. I've made it through worse. I've got this.
re: So full of that self-control, or the lack thereof...
By Sumayah
On Sat Mar 23, 2019 11:58 AM
Let me start with this. My depression is complicated. This is going to be TL:DR and there’s no way to sum it up so click out now or grab a blanket and settle in.

Let’s review the medical diagnoses since it’s probably been a while before I dive into all my wrongness.

• Major depressive disorder, recurrent severe without psychotic features

• Migraines without aura

• Intractable tension headache


• Insomnia

I’m currently taking 90mg of duloxetine (depression/intractable tension headache), 100mg topiramate (migraine prevention), 50mg trazadone (depression/sleep). I also have Mirena to help with the PMDD, as well as it should be helped by the antidepressants. I see my therapist weekly. So, all the boxes should be ticked, yeah?

I’ll also preference this by saying I do have an appointment with my gynecologist this coming week to discuss my PMDD and my psychiatrist in April.

Okay, so now that the basic history is there, on to my crazy.

Okay, I was talking again with my therapist about how my depression has changed and is presenting as “classic” depression now. How I understand what everyone feels, that inability to just move or go and the sadness and apathy. How that’s not how my depression presented before. It was much darker, it felt like my brain was rotten, infected... wrong. And I was completely cut off from my emotions.

Before, I could still tap into sympathy and love, it was the only grounding thing I had that kept me feeling human. It was what kept me going. And now I have some many more emotions because my meds are working, but there’s still this underlying depression.

I feel like I’m constantly screwing up now. I used to be a good listener. I’d give as much as I’d ask back. And now I feel like I’m this self-absorbed, hyper-needy thing and I hate it. I hate what it’s doing to me. I hate what I’m doing to my friends. I hate the impact that I’m causing. I’m trying to sort myself out, make sense out of the trauma, out of the disasters that keep happening, out of the emotions I keep feeling, and every choice I make is a screw up.

It’s like I don’t have any objectiveness? I can sit on a thing and think about for days and weeks and months and know it’s a bad idea but somewhere I lack the rationale to let it go, to NOT DO THE THING and I hate it. I hate the impulsive nature that I’ve developed that is just making my life awful. And not just my life, my actions have consequences on others.

I can only apologize for my actions and blame my depression so many times, you know?

Even if it is true, people get sick of hearing it. They expect you to learn from your mistakes. But I don’t have control? I want more than anything to NOT do the thing, not send the email, not make things worse, and I don’t have the ability to stop myself. And I’m so. frustrated.

I tried deleting my social media off my phone but that didn’t really work. I tried deleting conversations with people I tend to have especially a hard time controlling my emotions around, but nope. I don’t know how to stop ruining my life.

I want to stop ruining my life.

I want to stop hurting other people.

I need to stop letting my uncontrollable emotional tornado disrupt other people’s lives.

I’ve made so much progress dealing with my trauma and working with my depression, but I feel like before I actually really have a handle on it, there will be no one left.

I just feel so helpless and I want to fix it. I want to make it better. But I don’t know how.

And what’s worse? Maybe nothing is wrong? Maybe me trying to fix things IS what’s causing problems. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the only one who sees anything wrong. Maybe I’m creating drama and problems because my brain is sick and I don’t know there isn’t a problem?

Maybe that’s the abuse creeping through? The constant feeling that I have to make the situation right. The constant feeling that if I’m not apologizing for something or assuming I did something wrong or...

Maybe I’m just so used to being in a state of conflict I’m creating it?

I don’t want that.

I don’t want to feel like I need to be in conflict with someone. I don’t want to feel like I’m abusing? someone else?

Oh shit. Is that what I’m doing?

Y’all. I’m clearly taking action and working on it, but I feel like I’m just destroying everything. And I feel like I’m repeating the past. I feel like this happened exactly like this last year too. I just don’t know what to do.

I feel like such a trash human.

Thanks for getting to end of this. 🍪🍪🍪
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